SCENE: A DODGEY RUN-DOWN HOTEL ROOM THAT IS INEXPLICABLY NOT
   IN IRELAND.


                         A knock on the door.


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   Yes.  Who.  Is it.


                         Enter Sam Rockwell.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   I just came up because I thought I heard a gunshot, and I was
   hoping there was a fatally wounded chick I could then score
   with.


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   No.  No, it was.  A car.  Back-FIRING.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   My character doesn't buy that for a minute, but whatever. 
   Hey, why do you have a head?


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   What?


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   Isn't this A Beheading in Spokane?


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   That makes no sense.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   But I read the title of the play really quickly and--


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   How could I act.  In a play.  With no HEAD.
   My left hand is MISSING.  It was stolen by PIKERS.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   What are Pikers?


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   Irish gypsies.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   This play is set in America.


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   Fine, Hillbillies.  That's a WORD, right?  


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   Whatever, I'm going downstairs so the hot chick can enter the
   scene


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   O.  Kay.


                         Enter Blonde Chick


                         BLONDE CHICK
   I've got the hand you requested.


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   It's a black HAND.  I hate black PEOPLE.  Cause I'm RACIST. 
   Surely you SEE.  That.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
                 (popping in)
   Oh, also I am racist.
                 (popping out)


                         PLAYWRIGHT MARTIN MCDONAGH
                 (popping in)
   Oh, also my writing is a little racist.  Observe:


                         BLACK GUY
                 (entering play from closet)
   Massah massah massah, ah...
                 (stops doing that because even
                  in an Abridged Script, it's
                  pretty insulting)
   Um, my idiot girlfriend brought you the wrong hand; she
   should have brought the one from on top of the fridge.


                         BLONDE CHICK
   But weWe don't have a fridge.


                         BLACK GUY
                 (to blonde chick)
   No, I'm lying, see?


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   I think you're actually not.  
   So I'm going to go to your house to find it.  
   Because who the hell doesn't have.  A fridge.
   Now please, handcuff yourselves to the radiator.


                         He lights a candle on top of a jug of
                         gasoline and shimmies down the fire
                         escape to ransack their home.


                         BLACK GUY AND BLONDE CHICK
   OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO *NOW*!


                         BLACK GUY
   Let's throw our shoes at the fire.  I'm sure the candle won't
   fall on the floor lighting the carpet ablaze in the process!


                         BLONDE CHICK
   But we keep missing our throws!  We're out of shoes!


                         BLACK GUY AND BLONDE CHICK
   OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO *NOW*!


                         TELEPHONE
   You know, I'm within reach.  Just pick me up.


                         911
   This play keeps referring to the internet, so I must exist!


                         BLONDE CHICK 
   I'll try and get his suitcase and we can throw that at the
   fire instead!  With our feet!


                         It opens, revealing dozens of hands
                         that bounce on the stage as if they
                         were made if silly putty.


                         BLACK GUY AND BLONDE CHICK
   OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO *NOW*!


                         PHONE
   Ring ring!  
   Now you have to pick me up and acknowledge this plot hole!


                         BLACK GUY
   Hello?  Christopher Walken's Mom?  Holy shit is that a
   frightening phrase.  You just called to let me know that you
   may or may not have just died, and also you're a racist too? 
   OH NO, WHAT DO I DO *NOW*!


                         BLONDE CHICK
   At least I'm not a racist.


                         BLACK GUY
   Ahem.  Isn't the reason we gave Christopher Walken a black
   person's hand because before meeting him, you assumed that a
   guy missing a hand would be black?


                         BLONDE CHICK
   Well if this play was set in Ireland, we wouldn't be able to
   explore VERY IMPORTANT race relations like this, would we?


                         Enter Sam Rockwell to answer the
                         question, "When is it no longer too
                         soon to make Columbine jokes?"


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   I noticed you're in a tight spot, guys.  I like tight spots. 
   Back in high school I used to dream of tight spots, like
   being in one of those Columbine-style shootings.  Everybody
   else would be all like, "OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO *NOW*!"  But
   I'd be like, "Hey baby, I'll rescue you with my shot off
   leg."
                 (pause)
   I like Gibbons.


                         BLONDE CHICK
   Please put out the candle for us?  I think Gibbons are sexy
   too.  


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   I was going to say no because of a time when your boyfriend
   screwed me over for drugs, but I forget the point.  Done! 


                         He puts out the candle and leaves.


                         Enter Christopher Walken, breaking
                         through the window with a crowbar.


                         BLACK GUY
   HOLY SHIT!  Like Christopher Walken *not* breaking into a
   window wasn't creepy enough!


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   WHO PUT OUT MY CANDLE!  Oh also there's hands on the floor.
   Incidentally I couldn't find my hand at your house.


                         BLONDE CHICK
   OH NO, WHAT DO YOU DO *NOW*!


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   I think I'll douse you both with gasoline and light you guys
   on fire.


                         BLONDE CHICK
   OH NO, WHAT DO---


                         BLACK GUY
   WHAT THE FUCK?


                         Enter Sam Rockwell.


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   You'll probably need this lighter I took from you.  Also, go
   ahead and call your mom.  She might've died or something
   while on the phone with Black Dude?  I'm not clear on all
   this.


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
                 (on phone)
   Hello.  Mom.  You broke both your ankles.  Falling out of a
   tree while trying to dislodge a balloon.  Because you were
   worried your neighbors would think less of you.  For having a
   balloon in your tree?  This is the flimsiest subplot.  Ever. 
   I'm hanging up.


                         MOM'S VOICE ON PHONE
   OH NO, WHAT DO I--


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   I'm too angry about the shitty subplot to kill you now.  You
   can both go.  I guess I brought this gun out onstage for
   nothing.
                 (uncuffs black/blonde people)


                         SAM ROCKWELL
   Before you two scurry off to safety, let me just put forth my
   theory that Christopher Walken cut off his own hand and is
   just using this story as an excuse to be a homicidal
   whackjob.


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   Oh that's what I had this gun for!


                         BLACK GUY AND BLONDE CHICK
   OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO *NOW*!


                         CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
   I forgot to buy bullets, so the play is now over.


                              BLACKOUT.

]]> tag:www.broadwayabridged.com,2010://3.378 2010-03-08T17:00:00Z 2010-05-18T15:24:23Z

Today's Broadway Abridged Guest Script comes from TVGasm Writer The Unprofessional Critic, who was kind enough to go see 101 Dalmatians The Musical in Chicago which:really existsis really something that Disney didn't have any involvement withis really presented by Purina...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com TVGasm Writer The Unprofessional Critic, who was kind enough to go see 101 Dalmatians The Musical in Chicago which:

• really exists
• is really something that Disney didn't have any involvement with
• is really presented by Purina Dog Chow
• really stars Sara Gettelfinger
• really involves Jerry Zaks
• is really going to be at the Washington Mutual Theater Madison Square Garden Theater in April
• is something I have zero intention of seeing. Thanks Unpro!

]]> 101 DALMATIANS ABRIDGED OR WORST IN SHOW A Deep-Dish Guest Script Of Something Else That Blows In The Windy City by The Unprofessional Critic SCENE: THE HALF-FULL CADILLAC PALACE THEATRE IN CHICAGO. As the lights dim, the SEASON TICKET HOLDERS realize they are surrounded by ACTUAL CHILDREN and begin counting the minutes till intermission when they can switch seatswhile praying that said CHILDREN keep their drooly mouths shut. Onstage, the silhouette of a REAL DOG howls, then a MAN in a SHIT-SPLATTERED THREE-PIECE WHITE SUIT pops out from behind the curtain. Oh, wait. Those are SPOTS! MAN IN SHIT SUIT Hello! I'm a dalmatian doggy who's not named Pongo--really, I have no purpose in this story other to serve as a narrator in a really, really tired plot device that should have been retired in 1972! Aaaanyway, it's awesome to be a dog because we totally control our humans! Curtain opens to reveal a bevy of adults and children dressed in normal clothes but spastically jumping around in a way that is supposed to suggest DOG but really suggests NATALIE PORTMAN IN GARDEN STATE. AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Okay, whatever. I've seen Honk! and The Lion King. I'll stick around. But wait, how are they going to do the... Enter DOG-OWNING HUMAN CHARACTERS on STILTS. AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Oh. God. STUPID ANNOYING DOG-PEOPLE IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG BECAUSE WE TOTALLY MIND-CONTROL HUMANS AND WE'RE GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT WHEN THE "HUMANS" PUT THE "DOGS" ON LEASHES IT'S REALLY FUCKING DISTURBING AND BRINGS "PULP FICTION" TO MIND YAAAAAAAY! Enter PONGO and PER-- MRS. PONGO. Because this is not based on the Disney movie, and in the British book Pongo's dog-wife doesn't deserve a name. PONGO is humped by a little girl dressed as a poodle. It's just as uncomfortable as it sounds. PONGO Oh honey, wouldn't it be great to have kids? MRS. PONGO Ewwwwww! Babies are gross! Then she HUMPS HER OWNER before being put on a leash. INT. BRITISH DOG-OWNER COUPLE'S HOUSE, WITH A FEMALE COOK AND MALE-BUTLER-WHO-IS-INEXPLICABLY-PLAYED-BY-WOMAN. FEMALE COOK Cockney rubbish loverly glottal stop! I'm in love with you! SHEMALE BUTLER The rine in Spine falls minely on the pline! This secretly-in-love plot device will never be mentioned again. MRS. PONGO Guess what? I'm totes preggers! PONGO (hops up on AWKWARD CARDBOARDY COUCH) Noooooooo! (sings Generic Song(TM) about being a Dad) BRITISH COUPLE ON STILTS Let's go for a walk! AUDIENCE Yawn. Where's Sara Gettelfinger? By the way, wasn't Cruella DeVil supposed to be played by Rachel York? I'm sure I saw at least one article about-- SARA GETTELFINGER SILENCE--oooooof! She trips on her stilts but still manages to out act the entire cast with this one klutzy move. SARA GETTELFINGER I am Cruella DeVil and I'm going to try to overshadow this utterly awkward way of separating the dog characters from the people characters with my utter fabulousness and chewing of the cardboard scenery! It works. Almost. SARA GETTELFINGER Now British couple, which I vaguely know from school or something, I DEMAND you come to my house for a fur party. It's like a purse party, but with vehement protests from PETA! Bwahahahahahaha! BRITISH COUPLE Forget the fact that we really didn't like you in school or whatever, we're totally British and polite, plus you're on stilts too, meaning we have to do whatever you say! SCENE: CRUELLA'S HOUSE. BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL You know what this show needs? A CAT. Played by a slutty spandex-clad dancer who talks like a phone sex operator. Because that's NEVER BEEN DONE EVER when a human plays a cat! And then we can make at least one vague "pussy" joke for the grown-ups in the audience! THE GROWN-UPS IN THE AUDIENCE Lame. CAT minces around and rubs against Cruella's HUSBAND, who is a GAY STEREOTYPE, the MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION in fact. BIG GAY HUSBAND If I were any fruitier, I'd be a can of Hi-C in a frilly tutu spackled with glitter! Lisssssssssssssp! CAT (to PONGO and MRS. P) By the way, she totally skins animals here. CRUELLA sings a song about the awesomeness of furs, accompanied by a stageful of "humans" on stilts doing choppy approximations of choreography. COMPOSER DENNIS DEYOUNG OF STYX Screw "Come Sail Away"-- this shall be my life-changing impact on the next generation. Enter ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT-STAINED SUIT. ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT STAINED SUIT So Pongo and the missus had FUCKED, which means she was going to have a BABY! But then the vet was shocked because there was MORE THAN ONE PUPPY popping out of her uterus! THE WORST VET IN THE WORLD Gasp! ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT STAINED SUIT So then there were puppies, all played by children of various ages, ethnicities, and stereotypes! PUPPY SO JEWISH IT'S SURPRISING HE'S NOT WEARING A YARMULKE Oy vey! AFRICAN-AMERICAN GIRL PUPPY Sassy! ASIAN GIRL PUPPY I'm the smart one! AUGUSTUS GLOOP LOOKALIKE PUPPY Where's the chocolate river? GIRL PUPPY ON VERGE OF PUBERTY Holy shit, my name is ROLY-POLY? BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL Yeah, what of it? PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY Have you not heard of Tracey Gold? BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL Oh yeah, the fat chick on Growing Pains. So? PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY I am so billing you for therapy. And by the way, I could use a better bra. PUPPIES screech and run around and execute choreography in an exact imitation of the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" where Wayne Brady played a precocious child. 101 Dalmatians: just like Annie, minus the nostalgia and ten times the grating! SHIT-SPLATTERED NARRATOR So Pongo and his wife couldn't handle all these screeching brats and there's no Supernanny for dogs, so they instead got inspiration from Big Love and . . . brought in a sister wife! AUDIENCE Oh, so THIS is Perdita? Enter PERDITA... Wait, it's Emma from the Legally Blonde reality show that like 5 people watched! (Emma, you were robbed, BTW.) EMMA PERDITA SISTER-WIFE Hello! I apparently have no real owner and nothing better to do than enable the fiendish behavior of your heinous little brats... oh, and sing a song about my long-lost babydaddy and puppies! She sings "I Dreamed a Dream (for Dogs)". PONGO AND MRS. PONGO Wow, I wonder if THAT will become important later? Nah! Let's go have a threesome while the puppies screech around the backyard! The threesome would be gross, but way more interesting than what happens next: SARA GETTELFINGER (chewing the cardboard scenery and wishing she were back in Grey Gardens) Bwahahahahahaha! Now that the grown-up humans and dogs are gone, I shall distract Cook-ney with a song about cooking while my two thugs dressed in black carry off kicking children so that even the spinster audience members who don't even want children think of Jaycee Dugard and have nightmares! She DOES, and they DO. FEMALE COCKNEY COOK Blaw blaw blaw sellingflowers incompetent! SARA GETTELFINGER By the way, riddle me this Cook: why the hell do the dogs all have American accents when we're in London? Doesn't a dog have its own bark in every country? Enter DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS, who pokes SARA GETTELFINGER with his gettel finger and knocks her off her stilts. DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS That'll teach you to ask questions! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO O noes, the puppies are gone! What on earth shall we do? Let's do the Twilight Bark gossip chain Twitter precursor and then go on the road! PERDITA SISTER-WIFE What about me? They technically suckle on me too! The script even heavily implied it! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO Stay here with the humans that we mind-control. PERDITA SISTER-WIFE (who happens to be Jerry Zaks' daughter) Bark! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO But who will help us? JAMAICAN CARICATURE PLAYED BY A WHITE GUY Yah, mon! He sings a song about being motivated or something, followed by a bunch of oddly dressed PEOPLE who are probably DOGS because they are not on STILTS, including a SCOTTISH HIPSTER DOG with two WHORES. SCOTTISH HIPSTER DOG Here you are! Hell Hall! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO But . . . WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHER PUPPIES? The OTHER DOGGIES are played by a few actual Dalmatians--who are way too big to be puppies--CARDBOARD CUTOUTS. Yes, CARDBOARD CUTOUTS. That are obviously CARDBOARD CUTOUTS. Even from the nosebleed seats. AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF G'bye! SCENE: INTERMISSION... ...when any childless adults who haven't run screaming for the exits stay in their seats because they are writing a Broadway Abridged. SCENE: ACT TWO-- HELL HALL... NOW WITH CARDBOARD! Annoying Shit-Splattered Narrator does a BLATANT PURINA PLUG. JEWISH BOY PUPPY Ach, let's all sing through our noses and gyrate in a schizo doggie hip-hop! PUPPIES (actual lyric) SHOW 'EM WHAT THE KIDS CAN DO! YEAH! PONGO Hey, kids! Here we are to rescue you! But what about these poor cardboard cutouts? MRS. PONGO We can't just abandon the cardboard cutouts! SARA GETTELFINGER (sounding more and more like Little Edie Beale) Obligatory comic villains, time to KILL THE DOGS, which are really children that we have imprisoned in a yard! OBLIGATORY COMIC VILLAINS Righto! But first, we must sing a "Brush Up Your Shakespeare" wannabe about being obsessed with a show called, and we are not making this up, "What's My Crime"? They DO, having obviously never heard of "federal pound me in the ass prison." DOGS Let's escape to Benny Hill music! GUARD DOG Hey, wait! I am a GUARD DOG and this is my TABBY CAT, and you can't make a sufficient journey without dispelling the creepy child slavery and polygamy overtones of this musical with a song about being a FAMILY! Now MARCH, bitches! Oh, and a TAP OFF with no TAP SHOES. Thrilling. GODDAMN SHIT-SPLATTED NARRATOR Cruella was pissed when she found out, but the obnoxious Dalmatian people-dogs were welcomed by all. Except... for the Scary Ethnic Stereotypes, I mean Gypsies. AUDIENCE is starting to empathize with CRUELLA. All the single ladies... pop some extra birth control. GYPSIES Let's force them to do tricks and make them part of our show, thus injecting MORE child slavery into a show that's already had way too much! JEWISH BOY PUPPY I'm getting schpilkes! Let's escape! AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL PUPPY Mmm-hmm! ASIAN GIRL PUPPY Still the smart one! PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY Hey, why the hell are you hiding me in the back? CHOREOGRAPHER Because God hates fatties. During the course of a musical number, the PUPPIES tie up the GYPSIES and escape. But wait, where are the CARDBOARD CUTOUTS? PIGTAILED GIRL PUPPY Do you think Boy Puppy likes me, Mommy? Am I pretty? MRS. PONGO Um, aren't you related? Well, kids in captivity: figures we'd get a Flowers in the Attic moment. BOY PUPPY Daddy, what happens in the bushes? AUDIENCE Thanks a fucking lot for putting dog-sex in my head again. SARA GETTELFINGER Haha, now I'm ACTUALLY going to kill you! AUDIENCE Promise? The sooner the performance ends, the sooner much needed revisions can be made. Let's start by axing ALL references to dog sex made by CHILDREN! All DOGS escape, except for PUBERTY PUP, because it's hard to run without proper chestal support. Trust me. SARA GETTELFINGER brings down the house with a crappy song she's way too good for. PONGO Let's cover ourselves with soot! Dogs MOLEST THEMSELVES while REAL DOGS run across the stage and SARA GETTELFINGER trips over her stilts. Again. Then she crashes her CARDBOARD CAR into the CARDBOARD HOUSE and there's a CARDBOARD FIRE. SARA GETTELFINGER Aaaaand . . . I'm left to die. To literally incinerate while moaning and saying, "I'm in heat." CHILD IN AUDIENCE I don't know it yet, but this has scarred me! AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Don't look at me . . . I'm getting drunk down the street! STUPID PERKY NARRATOR And then she died while having an orgasm! Meanwhile, the dog owners were DEPRESSED. DOGS are now outside the CARDBOARD HOUSE in black sweatsuits with flashlights. COOK, BUTLER, BRITISH COUPLE We haz a sad. COOK Clifford joke! AUDIENCE Jesus Christ. DOGS Bark! Bark! And it's beginning to snoooooow! DOGS strip off sweatsuits onstage. AUDIENCE Not comfortable with that. SISTER WIFE Wait, it's my puppies too! Meaning I either gave birth to real-life dogs or cardboard cutouts! I have one HELL of a uterus! BRITISH COUPLE We love kids! Let's get it on! (Wonder if said children will be born with itty bitty stilts.) AUDIENCE At least they're talking about people-sex and not dog-sex. DENNIS DEYOUNG Domo arigato? AUDIENCE Fuck you. SHIT-SPLATTERED PERKY NARRATOR WHO CAN GO TO HELL So I'm FINALLY going to explain how I know this story! I'm the one who initially knocked up Sister Wife Perdita and then ran for the hills. Bully for me! SISTER WIFE PERDITA My "I Dreamed a Dream" Man, um, dog. Polygamy goes both ways, bitches! PERKY NARRATOR Wait, haven't you been listening to my voice and watching me swish around the whole show? I'm totally gay now! Next stop... Dog Drag Race! Then a song called 101 Dalmatians. Really. AUDIENCE TO AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Got any more wine? FIN. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2009:/_broadwayabridged//3.379 2009-12-09T17:00:00Z 2010-08-20T13:23:04Z

SOUTH PACIFIC ABRIDGED OR THE MOST HAPPY WAR! By Gil Varod and Megan Avery SCENE: OVERTURE. The stage pulls back in order to reveal a glorious 734 piece orchestra. LINCOLN CENTER PRODUCERS And we got it for the price...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com SOUTH PACIFIC ABRIDGED OR THE MOST HAPPY WAR! By Gil Varod and Megan Avery SCENE: OVERTURE. The stage pulls back in order to reveal a glorious 734 piece orchestra. LINCOLN CENTER PRODUCERS And we got it for the price of what unions usually charge for a 4-piece band! Go fuck yourself, for-profit producers. YOU KNOW THE TYPE Is that a *full overture* I hear? Well well! I suppose theatre *isn't* dead! God am I pretentious. A curtain with text tries to Prologue us. CURTAIN (pissy because it's too dimly lit to be read) I wish I could tell you about South Pacific. The way it actually was. The endless ocean. The infinite specks of coral we called "islands", because we were slap-happy from booze. But whenever I try to talk about South Pacific, people intervene. Because they say that people in wars don't sing and dance and slap each other's-- (curtain rises) Wait! Wait where are you taking me! SCENE: THE SOUTH PACIFIC. Enter two adorable children who walk around the stage and mime uncomfortably to each other while they stall for time until it gets to the beginning of the song. ADORABLY CUTE CHILDREN (finally on measure) ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN Wait! This musical's supposed to be IMPORTANT! RICHARD RODGERS I know, let's make them foreign or something! OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN What nationality? RICHARD RODGERS Brown! ADORABLY CUTE HALF MELANISIAN CHILDREN UN DEUX TROIS QUATRE CING SIX SEPT HUIT NEUF DIX! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN OH HOW THIS IS EXCELLENT! Enter Kelli O'Hara. KELLI O'HARA I just met you, mysterious Frenchman, but I love you already! RICHARD RODGERS YES OH SO RELEVANT! Enter an Opera Singer who uses "I'm an opera singer acting like an opera singer" as his excuse for not really acting much. PAOLO SZOT (hiding children vigorously) Yes, I love you too Kelli O'Hara. We should sing a few songs to solidify our relationship of fourteen days, when you told me how you were from Small Rock. KELLI O'HARA Little Rock. PAOLO SZOT And that you were a penis-eyed optimist. KELLI O'HARA Cock... whatever. PAOLO SZOT (soliloquying) THIS IS WHAT I NEED SOMEONE YOUNG AND SMILING AND BLONDE ALWAYS A BLONDE. They drink tea, and nothing happens. KELLI O'HARA So... small talk... (awkwardly) How long did it take you to build up this very large and extravagant plantation? PAOLO SZOT Forty Polynesian lives. KELLI O'HARA Uh. Are they Polynesian though? Because I'm-- PAOLO SZOT (singing) SOME ENCHANTED EVENING! KELLI O'HARA Ah yes I know that song. Good good. She spreads her arms all over her own shoulders and then mimes choking herself, because the Choreography budget went to Wigs. KELLI O'HARA I'm from the American South, y'all! PAOLO SZOT AND I KILLED A MAN! KELLI O'HARA Oh isn't that nice. PAOLO SZOT I KILLED A MAN! ME! KELLI O'HARA You've been so sweet to me these past three songs, so I'm sure you had a good reason. PAOLO SZOT HE WAS A WICKED MAN... (smiling) Hey we should have children! KELLI O'HARA This scene's really long. You wanna go see some gay sailors dance? SCENE: THE ANSWER IS "YES". DON'T ASK I make grass skirts! DON'T TELL I'ma gonna slap yer butt! (slaps butt) DANNY BURSTEIN So, Bloody Mary, I understand the economy of this island is entirely dependent on the United States Naval demand for quality island-crafted jewelry, garments and cultural memorabilia. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE GLASS SKILTS! BOALS TOOTH BLACERET! SHLUNKEN HEADS! YOU WRRRRIIIIIIKKEE? DANNY BURSTEIN It's nice to be in an important musical. Gay sailors sing and dance and pull down each other's pants. DON'T ASK I, ahem, "sure wish there were women around". The entire female cast jogs by. DON'T TELL I, um, "me too". DANNY BURSTEIN (singing) THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME LEFTY'S NOT THE SAME I REALLY WANT TO GO TO THE ISLAND WHERE THEY HAVE ORGIES BUT ONLY THE OFFICERS CAN GO, DAMN IT. (to rest of Navy) Everybody, walk around freely to the rhythm with me! They do, because the Choreography budget went to a big plane and two grass skirts. DANNY BURSTEIN Funny, you'd think if we wanted women so much that we CAN'T STAND IT, we would DANCE about it in a musical. Enter Matthew Morrison. DON'T ASK (clapping hands) SQUEEEEEE! DON'T TELL (jumping up and down) IT'S THE GUY FROM GLEE! THE GUY FROM GLEE Look at how cool I am. I have a CIGARETTE and a leather jacket. Like James Dean. I'm cooler than all of this. Like James Dean. He walks to one side of stage, changes his mind, walks to other side of stage, changes his mind, and walks to the first side of stage. DANNY BURSTEIN So what's your story? THE GUY FROM GLEE No, I think that was it. DANNY BURSTEIN Say, you should go to Bali Ha'i, where all the women and grass skirts come from. Only Lieutenants can go to Bali Hai! I want to go to Bali Hai! You're a Lieutenant! (to audience) Got that? That's the B plot. All of it. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE (to Glee dude) Yes, let me sing a song convincing you to go there, even though you will then be able to purchase at wholesale the items I sell for much more. YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE? THE GUY FROM GLEE Whatever. Hey, did I mention that I went to a little college in Jersey. DANNY BURSTEIN Where, Rutgers? THE GUY FROM GLEE (clearing throat) A LITTLE COLLEGE IN JERSEY. DANNY BURSTEIN Seton Hall? THE GUY FROM GLEE No. (dramatic pause:) Princeton. DANNY BURSTEIN Tool. GUY FROM GLEE SINGS "BALI HA'I" REPRISE AGAIN, JUST TO SOLIDIFY HOW DISINTERESTED HE WAS, AND THEN: SCENE: GLEE GUY MEETS WITH HEAD OF THE ENTIRE NAVY EVER. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Sorry for the wait, I had to get my team of ragtag skirt makers to the mess hall for teatime manner lessons. THE GUY FROM GLEE I'm going to draw with a stick on this wooden stage. Imagine what the drawing would have been if this stick was a Sharpee. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Yes, of course. THE GUY FROM GLEE All of these islands are generically in danger. What you need to know is that only Paolo Szot can help me make the bad bad danger go away. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Who? THE GUY FROM GLEE The guy from the first scene. Remember? A half an hour ago? GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Oh Paolo Szot. BUT PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN! THE GUY FROM GLEE PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN? GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN! Enter Kelli O'Hara. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Kelli, did you know that PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN? KELLI O'HARA KILLED WHO? GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY A MAN! Also, what are you doing here? KELLI O'HARA I'm in The Navy. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Really? I didn't catch that. Well allow me to introduce you to That Guy From Glee. THE GUY FROM GLEE Oh, we've met before. KELLI O'HARA Yes, back during his Italian Accent Phase, he kissed me when I was mentally retarded. THE GUY FROM GLEE Did I mention I'm from a small University in New Jer-- KELLI O'HARA That joke's been around since the 40s? Sad. THE GUY FROM GLEE Forget you. You only fall in love with guys with foreign guys anyway. And Harry Connick, Jr. KELLI O'HARA I don't have time for this. I need to go take a shower while the rest of the cast cheers me on for doing so. GRATUITOUS MALE NUDITY-FILLED TRANSITION TO: SCENE: REMEMBER WHAT "BIKINIS" LOOKED LIKE IN THE 40'S? ALSO, EVERYONE WEARING BIKINIS IN THE SHOWER IN THE 40'S? KELLI O'HARA We spent too much time on the love plot, and then not enough on it. So now's about the time in a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical where I decide that I DON'T NEED LOVE! PERSONALITY-LESS RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN FEMALE CHORUS Yes, we have lots of opinions on other people's lovelives! Also, cleanliness rituals. (chanting) SHAMPOO, KELLI, SHAMPOO! Poor Kelli O'Hara is onstage in a 2 piece, and sings while soaking wet. But, at least it's not Dracula all over again. FRANK WILDHORN (should be shot) PAOLO SZOT (entering) Kelli? I am here unannounced! At the place where all the women shower! Just in case I was not, how you say, sketched enough? KELLI O'HARA Paolo, what are you doing here? I just shampoo'd my hair in a physical representation of my breaking up with you. PAOLO SZOT ??? KELLI O'HARA Usually women get haircuts. PAOLO SZOT I don't understand your American culture. But what I do understand is FREEDOM. KELLI O'HARA You do?!?!? Oh, then I *do* love you! PAOLO SZOT Of course I do. Freedom is WHY I KILLED A MAN! KELLI O'HARA Right. This again. PAOLO SZOT This MAN, everybody disliked him and he took over our town... it was all very vague, you see. I wanted everybody to stand up to him, but they walked away. Because he was STANDING BEHIND ME. KELLI O'HARA Literally? That sounds ridiculous. Can we maybe reenact this or something? PAOLO SZOT And he said to me, "I am going to kill you now." And I said, "No, I am going to kill you instead." And he said, "No you're not." And I said, "I so am". And he said "Over my dead body'. And I said, "That's the idea", which I thought was very clever. KELLI O'HARA Hooray! PAOLO SZOT And that is how I stole a man's very life force. Hey, is this a good segue into asking you to marry me? This REALLY HAPPENS. KELLI O'HARA Let's sing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING again! PAOLO SZOT All right, but after that I'm going to immediately leave so you can have a solo song. He does. Enter mindless idiotic R&H women. KELLI O'HARA (cartwheeling) Oh girls, you'd never guess--I'm in one of the worst Rodgers and Hammerstein love storylines EVER! Dance with me! They don't, because the Choreography budget went to a total of TWO SETS and a couple of bottles of Head & Shoulders. KELLI O'HARA (surprisingly not annoying audience) I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE AUDIENCE (surprisingly not annoyed) Aww. I want to take you home. PERSONALITY-LESS RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN FEMALE CHORUS Oh, to be a girl in a R&H musical, to do nothing but sing about how someone else is in and out and in and out of love. SCENE: PAOLO SZOT IS ASKED IF HE'LL HELP WITH SOME VAGUE WAR RELATED THING. PAOLO SZOT Why would I help you Westerners? I had to leave my country when I was twenty-two... THE GUY FROM GLEE Here it comes. PAOLO SZOT ...BECAUSE I KILLED A MAN! THE GUY FROM GLEE Like clockwork. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY I can understand why he doesn't want to go on a dangerous mission. He *does* have kids. PAOLO SZOT No, it is solely because I love Kelli O'Hara. THE GUY FROM GLEE But-- PAOLO SZOT (singing) SOME ENCHANTED EVENING. THE GUY FROM GLEE That doesn't even make sense in this scene. SCENE: THE FIRST OF *TWO* PARTY SCENES IN A SINGLE RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN MUSICAL. HOW THEIR WRITING HAD MATURED SINCE OKLAHOMA! KELLI O'HARA (wasted) That was a great party, Paolo. PAOLO SZOT (being sketchy/foreign) Have some more champagne. KELLI O'HARA You know what's... totes awesome....? That we, like, both get excited about exciting things! Like being in love! With love! We have so much in common, and so strong a foundation to build a solid marriage on! An actual reprise of "I'm In Love". Then an actual reprise of "This Is What I Need". Then an actual reprise of "Wash That Man". RICHARD RODGERS I CAN'T STOP I'M IN A REPRISING FRENZY! PAOLO SZOT If you are drunk enough, I now have a surprise for you. Enter those brown kids. ADORABLY CUTE HALF MELANISIAN CHILDREN (singing) NOUS POUVONS CHANTER LA MEME DAMN SONG DE SCENE ONE! KELLI O'HARA You have two children? PAOLO SZOT Yes. KELLI O'HARA Where is their mother? PAOLO SZOT Dead. KELLI O'HARA Did you kill her too? For being NOT WHITE? PAOLO SZOT No, I killed A MAN. Were you not paying attention? KELLI O'HARA Do you know that your kids have black eyes? As in they are NOT WHITE? COME ON PAOLO, YOU'RE FRENCH, ISN'T THAT FOREIGN ENOUGH? PAOLO SZOT Wait. So you are not mad at me at all for lying to you, by not telling you I had two children before we got engaged to be married? KELLI O'HARA BROWN KIDS, PAOLO! BROWN KIDS! PAOLO SZOT I never would have expected this from a young woman who grew up in the American South in the 1930s! KELLI O'HARA (stumbling out of plantation) If you will excuse me, I must get away from you and your not white children. As quickly as possible. And the only way to do so is to drive home drunk. PAOLO SZOT I'm really glad these brown kids don't understand English. (pause, sings) SOME ENCHANTED EVENING-- SCENE: MATTHEW MORRISON'S CHARACTER HAS NOTHING TO DO. THE GUY FROM GLEE Yawn. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE (peering in through blinds) I know what moves prot arong. Why not you have sex with my daughtel? YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE? THE GUY FROM GLEE Okay, as long as I get to TAKE MY SHIRT OFF! And FLEX! He sings a song. BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER (PG-kissing only) Look, you're singing an "a cappella" song with musical accompaniment, just like on Glee! BLACKOUT! LIGHTS BACK ON! BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER What was that? THE GUY FROM GLEE I think we just had sex. BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER In a 1940s musical? BLACKOUT! LIGHTS BACK ON! THE GUY FROM GLEE We did it again! BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON QUICK OR ELSE-- BLACKOUT! LIGHTS BACK ON! BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER Dammit! BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE (still peering in through the blinds) It's my daughter, so I like to watch. THE GUY FROM GLEE WHAT THE FUCK? SCENE: PARTY SCENE NUMBER 2. Danny Burstein comes out in coconut shells and a grass skirt. DANNY BURSTEIN SEE? THIS IS NOT OKLAHOMA! Whatever. PAOLO SZOT Danny Burstein, will you give Kelli O'Hara these flowers? DANNY BURSTEIN We're trying to do the show, please don't upset her. PAOLO SZOT But-- DANNY BURSTEIN No really Act 1 was longer than Jesus Christ Superstar. Please don't. Enter Kelli O'Hara. KELLI O'HARA I'm still not marrying you, Paolo. Just making that clear. Exit Kelli O' Hara. PAOLO SZOT (singing) SOME ENCHANTED EVEN-- Matthew Morrison runs in distraught for absolutely no reason. BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER Oh, Guy From Glee! They kiss over and over again, but Bloody Merry keeps interrupting them. Then she sings a song that makes you want to shove your eyes into an electric spice grinder. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TALK HAPPY TALK HAPPY TALK HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TALK EVERYBODY DIE BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER I'm going to randomly do Tai Chi now! She does, because the Choreography budget was spent on... Well... Tai Chi lessons. THE GUY FROM GLEE BUT I HATE TAI CHI! He runs away, and bumps into Kelli O'Hara. THE GUY FROM GLEE Oh, I'm in love with that girl who doesn't speak English who I keep rejecting! KELLI O'HARA But don't you already have a fiancee back at home? THE GUY FROM GLEE She didn't put out. The foreign girl did. Hence the blackouts. KELLI O'HARA LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE! THE GUY FROM GLEE No, Kelli O' Hara, the extremely relevant and timely lessons of this musical are to follow your heart and to not be racist. KELLI O'HARA (runs off to go stereotype) Say it again, Bloody! BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE? THE GUY FROM GLEE We are trying to make this musical important, Kelli! ARGH! PAOLO SZOT Hey Glee Guy, you and I should make this musical important and relevant by going on a suicidal mission. THE GUY FROM GLEE But I thought-- PAOLO SZOT Since perky blonde nurse will not marry me, I now have nothing of value to lose, not even my two brown plot devices. THE GUY FROM GLEE Children? PAOLO SZOT Yes please. THE GUY FROM GLEE Then let's go. You are sad about Kelli, and my character makes no sense. SCENE: WAR ROOM. We get to watch the battle from the most exciting place to experience it-- IN A DARK ROOM WITH A RADIO! GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY God dammit, this is 2009 and we have TECHNOLOGY now. Can't we do SOMETHING more? DANNY BURSTEIN No. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY You! I'm angry at you because you parachuted out of a plane and were a diversion against the Japanese and are the reason we'll win World War 2 or something? PAOLO SZOT (over Radio) Hello, you're listening to "Joe and The Frenchman" on KRNH, RACIST RADIO. Normally we'd have a little performance from The Guy From Glee right about now, but he just died, because it works best plot-wise if someone has a quiet offstage death. ... ... Can I sing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING again yet? SCENE: BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER WON'T MARRY ANYBODY BUT THAT GUY FROM GLEE. Yeah... that's a lot of people. SCENE: PAOLO SZOT IS FIGHTING IN WORLD WAR 2 NOW. KELLI O'HARA Wait did the entire Navy just ditch me? The Navy sings a reprise of a song about swiveling hips as they go off to war. KELLI O'HARA I guess that means I get to stay here in Paolo's household. ADORABLY CUTE HALF MELANISIAN CHILDREN LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! KELLI O'HARA Ugh. What the *hell* are you kids singing anyway? Enter Paolo Szot. PAOLO SZOT KELLI! KELLI O'HARA Oh Paolo, I knew you'd be back! PAOLO SZOT What are you doing on my luxurious island plantation!?! KELLI O'HARA I love you! PAOLO SZOT When last we met, I was off to war because you'd broken my heart! KELLI O'HARA Since then I changed my mind yet again! But because you were already at war, I figured I'd just stay here until/if you came back. PAOLO SZOT We're not even married. KELLI O'HARA We-- PAOLO SZOT Heck as far as I was aware of, we weren't even dating anymore. Then I go off to war where I could have *died*, to come back to find the woman who broke my heart lording over my land, servants, and THE KIDS THAT YOU HATE? KELLI O'HARA ...I think you're just a little stressed from the war. What do you say you watch me shampoo my hair again, and then you can sing Some Enchant-- Paolo Szot pulls out his Navy-issued gun and shoots Kelli O'Hara in cold blood. PAOLO SZOT Racist bitch. BLACKOUT. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2009:/_broadwayabridged//3.380 2009-12-02T17:00:00Z 2010-04-29T20:03:31Z

WISHFUL DRINKING ABRIDGED OR CARRIE FISHER RAN OUT OF MONEY From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: STUDIO 54 ...where Carrie Fisher probably once had sex-- CARRIE FISHER Now, I basically say that joke during my...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com WISHFUL DRINKING ABRIDGED OR CARRIE FISHER RAN OUT OF MONEY From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: STUDIO 54 ...where Carrie Fisher probably once had sex-- CARRIE FISHER Now, I basically say that joke during my show. Right then. Go ahead. CARRIE FISHER Now, everybody, let's learn about how ridiculous my life is! AUDIENCE Do tell! We're fully willing to consume 30-year old gossip! CARRIE FISHER Now, my parents were Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, and they cheated on each other! AUDIENCE Hahahahahah! You are so funny! CARRIE FISHER Now, after that I was in Star Wars, and my head was a Pez Dispenser! AUDIENCE Hahah oh your head was a Pez Dispenser! CARRIE FISHER Now, then I married Paul Simon! Imagine having Paul Simon be the one to write songs about how bad a wife you were! AUDIENCE Ha... ha... CARRIE FISHER Now, after that I married a gay man, and I was bipolar, and it ruined me completely and I ended up in a nuthouse! AUDIENCE ... CARRIE FISHER Hysterical, right? Now, that wasn't the only time I was in a nuthouse! I also went through electroshock therapy and went to a mental institution and got addicted to prescription medication! Ha ha ha ha! MANIC DEPRESSION HA HA HA! AUDIENCE ...wait are you going to divulge what it was like to go through any of that? CARRIE FISHER (suddenly serious for 40 seconds) Now, being bipolar is terrible. AUDIENCE Oooh, if I've learned anything from Billy Crystal's "700 Sundays", halfway through is when a one-man show turns from hysterical to touching and soul-baring-- CARRIE FISHER No, that was it. HELP ME OBI WAN KENBI YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE! God I'm funny. AUDIENCE ...do I at least get some very important lesson to learn? CARRIE FISHER NOPE. NOW, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY! BLACKOUT. ALSO, CARRIE FISHER STEALS A JOKE FROM DAVE BARRY. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2009:/_broadwayabridged//3.381 2009-11-30T17:00:00Z 2010-04-29T20:03:38Z

HAIR ABRIDGED OR NAKED HIPPIES NAKED THE MUSICAL NAKED! OR A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT MAKING "HAIR" COHERENT A "Broadway Abridged" Script By Gil Varod and Gina Guadagnino SCENE: CLOSING CAST PARTY OF THE 2008 "SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK" PRODUCTION...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com HAIR ABRIDGED OR NAKED HIPPIES NAKED THE MUSICAL NAKED! OR A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT MAKING "HAIR" COHERENT A "Broadway Abridged" Script By Gil Varod and Gina Guadagnino SCENE: CLOSING CAST PARTY OF THE 2008 "SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK" PRODUCTION OF "HAIR", WHICH (LITTLE KNOWN FACT) WASN'T WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE AT ALL. THE PUBLIC THEATER Our production of HAIR in the park had spirit, passion and competent actors. That rarely happens when we do ACTUAL SHAKESPEARE in the park. Must be Shakespeare's fault, because it certainly couldn't be us. DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS Shame we didn't charge for it. There has to be a way for us to wring a dollar out of these naked hippies, turning their free-spirited, patchuli-scented love-fest into a corporate juggarnaut. PRODUCERS JEFFREY RICHARDS, JERRY FRANKEL, GARY GOODARD, KATHLEEN JOHNSON, ALL 17 NEDERLANDERS, FRAN KIRMSER, JED BERNSTEIN, MARC FRANKEL, BARBARA MANOCHERIAN/ WENCLAIR, TERRY SHNUCK, ANDY SANDBERG [NOT THE SNL ONE, THAT'S ANDY SAMBERG], NORTON HERRICK, JOEY PARNES AND THE WEINSTEINS. YES, THOSE WEINSTEINS. Dollars? Naked? SCENE: THE AL HIRSCHFELD THEATRE, WHERE FREE LOVE RUNS ABOUT $100 A POP. Cast sings that one song you know. WILL SWENSON My character's name is "Berger". I'm going to make lots of PUNS about this and-- AUDIENCE WHY ARE THEY NOT NAKED YET. WILL SWENSON Wow, you guys really need to learn how to find Porn on the Internet or something. Okay, fine. (takes off pants) I know what you're thinking. "Oh dear, isn't that a cute one." My penis, that is. AUDIENCE WE CAN'T ACTUALLY SEE YOUR PENIS WHY ARE YOU TAUNTING US? WILL SWENSON I guess you'll have to wait until right before the intermission. Oh look, my mom is here tonight! Every night! How lucky you guys are to be here the night my Mom showed up. WILL SWENSON'S MOM (isn't Will Swenson's Mom) GAY HIPPIE I'm the Gay Hippie, except I'm not really admitting I'm gay. Because in a show with a multiracial naked cast, that would be controversial! (makes out with poster of Mick Jagger in straightest way possible) Also by the way, LOVE is very important. BLACK GUY I'm the black guy. OTHER BLACK GUYS We're black too! ALL BLACK GUYS LOOK AT HOW INTEGRATED OUR CAST IS! ISN'T THAT REVOLUTIONARY? AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE From way up here we can't tell. GAY HIPPIE Since the mezzanine is half-empty, let's perform the hit song from Hair, "The Song Where The People In The Rear Mezzanine Get Better Seats". AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE BUT NOW IN FRONT MEZZANINE HOORAY! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS! WILL SWENSON I hate school! Wah wah wah wah wah! TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT I am showing how institutional the American school system is by portraying a German principal who is named "Principal Poopypants." TAKE OUR VERY IMPORTANT HIPPIE MESSAGE SERIOUSLY! ALSO, LOVE! WILL SWENSON I must be a high school student; you can tell because I have two o' clock shadow. TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT Will Swenson, you are expelled from Doodyface Academy. WILL SWENSON (lathering his face for a nice close shave) For being old enough to immediately go to jail were I to date my classmates? TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT No, for being subversive. WILL SWENSON (while renting a car without paying a surcharge) If I'm so subversive, why should I go to high school anyway? TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT Because if you don't go to High School, you have to go to `NAM! WILL SWENSON I live on the street. How the hell were they going to mail me a draft card in the first place? TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT Um... WILL SWENSON Then I didn't need to go to High School at ALL. Forget this! This isn't IMPORTANT! This isn't LOVE! Enter Claude. JONATHAN GROFF My name is Claude, and I'm from Manchester Eng-- GAVIN CREEL Honey, you forgot. I'm playing the part of Claude now! *You* played the part in the Park, silly! JONATHAN GROFF Whoopsie, I forgot! Okay Gavy-poo. They kiss a hot Claude-on-Claude kiss. JONATHAN GROFF Gav-gav, when are they announcing the replacement cast for when you guys go to London? GAVIN CREEL Any day now. Why, SugarGroff? JONATHAN GROFF Let me know when you find out who's playing Claude. We can invite him over to... um... "watch Glee with us". (wink) GAVIN CREEL (in a horrible British accent) My character's name is Claude! And I'm from Manchester, England! WILL SWENSON Why Manchester England? GAVIN CREEL Because that's where the Beatles are from! WILL SWENSON That's... Also you're from Flushing. GAVIN CREEL Um... bullocks? Or no bullocks? Hey which one is it? Enter Gavin Creel's parents as imagined by hippies playing dressup with Mommy and Daddy's clothing. GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS Get a job and join the Army! GAVIN CREEL Those are two entirely different things. GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS We are stereotypical parents from Queens and we are ashamed of your long hair and very stylish jeans. GAVIN CREEL I'm going to RIP UP MY DRAFT LETTER! He does! ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE WHO IS UNDER THE AGE OF 35 Meh. SIX PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE (clapping wildly) Whooo! FUN GAME: Can you guess how many old hippies are in the audience tonight? GAVIN CREEL Love love love. Hey, let's sing about body parts! Cast of Hair runs out into the audience to interact with/frighten them. CAST OF HAIR (singing) I'VE GOT MY EYES I'VE GOT MY NOSE I'VE GOT MY MOUTH I'VE GOT MY HANDS I'VE GOT MY SPHINCTER I'VE GOT MY ESOPHAGUS I'VE GOT MY LARGE INTESTINE I'VE GOT MY SMALL INTESTINE I'VE GOT MY COLON I'VE GOT MY MEDULLA OBLONGATA I'VE GOT MY CUSPIDS I'VE GOT MY MOLARS I'VE GOT MY INCISORS I'VE GOT MY CANINES I'VE GOT MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED BUT THEY USED TO BE THERE. FUN GAME: What skill do you need in order to be a Hair Castmember? Is it: A) Be able to sing 8 times a week? B) Have some idea of how to remove your clothes (or how to have a fellow cast member do it for you)? C) Be comfortable touching random strangers in ways you wouldn't even consider doing to your closest friend if "being in character" wasn't a suitable excuse? D) All of the above. FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON [ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY MEN] We're on our honeymoon! TWELVE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE (clap) We are applauding for you even though it's clear you are not real people! FUN GAME: Guess how many people in the audience did a hit in the bathroom just before the show? FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON [ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY MEN] Sing the title song already! They do, while running out to interact with the audience once again. TOKEN ASIAN GIRL I am running my fingers through 40% of the audience's hair! STEEL "STEEL" BURKHARDT It is fun to molest the scalp of strangers! Also my name is actually Steel! Isn't that awesome? THE INCOMPARABLE MEGAN "REDHEAD" REINKING Headlice has spread quite a lot in NYC since March 2009! I wonder why! COSTUME DESIGNER MICHAEL MCDONALD Oh... but I built a Purell pouch into everybody's clothes... Enter an NYU student. CAISSIE LEVY They call me Democracy's Daughter because I care about THINGS! WILL SWENSON (kiss kiss) Hello, love! CAISSIE LEVY (kiss kiss) THINGS, like being a college student dating a "high school student". WILL SWENSON That's okay, I got expelled. CAISSIE LEVY (it's nice to hear that hippies nag too) Tsk. As a hippie myself, I had plans for you Will Swenson! Plans that involved you growing up and being responsible and getting a job, and growing up into the 80s, and wearing a Member's Only jacket, and taking me to the multiplex in your Iroc. WILL SWENSON My what? CAISSIE LEVY Your Iroc. It was a car that was popular in the 1980s! Is! No, will be! Damn, when are you going to Grow Up And Be A Hippie? GAVIN CREEL Oh Caissie, *I'll* grow up and be... Wait what? WILL SWENSON My best friend is in love with my girlfriend. I guess by default, that means that we should have hot three way action? CAISSIE LEVY It's called a "love triangle". Jackass. AUDIENCE (clapping) We understand this plot point! PREGNANT CHICK Everybody got that? See, Gavin Creel is in love with Caissie Levy, and Caissie Levy is in love with Will Swenson, and Will Swenson is in love with both of them. But: I'm in love with Gavin Creel! Love triangles are for squares--this is a love quadrangle! GEOMETRY TEACHERS (heads explode) AUDIENCE Oh, your pregnancy's relevant to the plot because the baby's father is Gavin Cr-- PREGNANT CHICK No, it's not his at all. It's an unnamed speed freak's. And we will never bring him up again. AUDIENCE Plot... Relevant... Nevermind. CAISSIE LEVY Will Swenson: I just came back from being tear-gassed, and all I brought you was this stupid T-Shirt. WILL SWENSON I'M GONNA RIP IT! He does. CAISSIE LEVY Why'd you do that? WILL SWENSON Because I'm an immature hippie. Wait, is that really the message we're trying to convey? CAISSIE LEVY Then I'm gonna sing a song about it! She does. THAT GIRL FROM ALL THE POSTERS I'm going to sing a song about waiting for some guy in front of the Waverly, which is probably an NYU Dorm today. She does. Audience gets antsy. AUDIENCE We were promised nudity. We have no idea what's going on anymore but we distinctly remember being promised nudity. BLACK GUY Lucky for you, that's what we do at be-ins! GAY HIPPIE What's a be-in? BLACK GUY How should I know, I was born in `83. Everybody burns their draft cards. PREGNANT CHICK Gavin, why aren't you burning *your* draft card? GAVIN CREEL Because I tore it up in front of my parents, remember? PREGNANT CHICK No, that was your draft *letter*, this is your draft *card*. There's a difference. GAVIN CREEL Oh. I guess I don't have a good reason then. Hey, Rest Of Cast, why are you suddenly naked? REST OF CAST We don't have a reason either. DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS Because the audience was promised nudity. Dimly, dimly lit nudity. SCENE: ACTUALLY OVERHEARD IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM: LATE 20S THEATREGOER Why are there so many 14 year olds dressed like hippies at this show? HER FRIEND I guess they're just really into the show. LATE 20S THEATREGOER Whatever. I was into "Beauty and the Beast" at that age, but I didn't go to the show in a yellow ballgown. SCENE: SOMEPLACE WITH A GIANT PROJECTION OF THE MOON THAT WILL BE REFERRED TO OVER AND OVER AND OVER. The cast sings a song about how girls like boys of the "opposite race". No, not like. *Love*. WHITE GIRLS We are very much into black boys! BLACK GIRLS Except why would black girls be into white boys? More audience interaction: a small blonde girl tickles your leg waving "hi" like she knows you or something. Wait a second is she even in the cast? WILL SWENSON Look at the giant projected moon! Let's get high! PREGNANT CHICK I will suck in this doobie so deeply that my fetus will be able to touch the sky! AUDIENCE We find this much more shocking than our promised nudity. WILL SWENSON (somehow not a dick joke) Gavin Creel, I made a special joint for you to suck. GAVIN CREEL Oh, I'm so depressed about having to go to Vietnam that I'm going to get high to feel better. Suddenly he goes skydiving. GAVIN CREEL So much more fun when you're high! He sees famous people. ARETHRA FRANKLIN (sings R-E-S-P-E-C-T, just to placate the audience) GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS, LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, GENERAL CUSTARD, THE DALAI LLAMA AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN We are all famous people, and we are all dead. If you go to Vietnam, you'll be dead too. ARETHRA FRANKLIN Wait, what? GAVIN CREEL Even if I put this flower in this gun? Like every fucking poster you've ever seen from the 60s? GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS, LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, GENERAL CUSTARD, THE DALAI LLAMA AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN Yes, even then. GAVIN CREEL Even if George W. Bush is no longer in office, thus making the political parallels we've drawn between this era and the Iraqi war meaningless? GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS, LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, GENERAL CUSTARD, THE DALAI LLAMA AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN Yes, even then. GAVIN CREEL In that case.. (wakes up) Wow, that was a bad trip. AUDIENCE No shit. Entire cast runs around the theater once again, finally proving that they didn't really need the stage at all in the first place. GAVIN CREEL Hey Caissie Levy, look at how well I can sing music that flows with Shakespeare's lyrics as unnaturally as possible! So will you marry me? CAISSIE LEVY That's not going to save you. But maybe if we all say "yip" really hard, we can... um... conjure up the Sesame Street aliens and they'll end the war? WILL SWENSON I'll never have to go to war! I'm going to India! I'm going to stay young and high forever! "Berger", by the way is now a middle- aged chiropractor in Fort Lauderdale. OTHER HIPPIES That's right! We're going to stay young and liberal forever! And found Ben and Jerry's and the Whole Foods Corporation and Organic Disco and battle erectile dysfunction and vote for Proposition 8 and never legalize marijuana. Oh wait a minute we failed at everything. GAVIN CREEL That sounds terrible. I'd rather just go die on that flag. He DOES. REST OF CAST Now that dummyhead Gavin Creel's out of the way, everybody come up onstage and dance with us! Lights get very bright. REST OF CAST ... ... ... Hey why is nobody onstage dancing with us? MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE You want that I should walk up these stairs without a handrail? Feh. Hippies in cast put handrails on side of stairs to stage so Hippies in audience can meet them. Hippies in audience dance. Then they take off all their clothes. CAST OF HAIR What the fuck do you think you're doing? MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE WE WERE PROMISED NUDITY. BLACKOUT. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2009:/_broadwayabridged//3.382 2009-11-24T17:00:00Z 2010-04-29T20:03:37Z

FELA! ABRIDGED OR THE $112 AFROBEAT CONCERT By Gil Varod SCENE: THE EUGENE O'NEILL CENTER... ...which has been fantastically decked out in an awesome array of Christmas lights and artwork, to show you how REALLY REALLY HARD they tried...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com FELA! ABRIDGED OR THE $112 AFROBEAT CONCERT By Gil Varod SCENE: THE EUGENE O'NEILL CENTER... ...which has been fantastically decked out in an awesome array of Christmas lights and artwork, to show you how REALLY REALLY HARD they tried to let you know that you're not in a "theater". And as we all know, a beautifully decorated theater means that the show is PERFECT and doesn't need any other MODIFICATIONS or CUTTING or BETTER STORYTELLING. How else could they have had the time for such ancillary things? Enter SAHR NGAUJAH as FELA. (If the 3:5 odds paid in your favor.) SAHR NGAUJAH Who wasn't freaked out enough by the audience participation in HAIR? Audience is silent. SAHR NGAUJAH If you were freaked out by the audience participation in HAIR, say "Yeah yeah". AUDIENCE (timidly) ...uh... SAHR NGAUJAH I am going to make a very disappointed look because you are not PARTICIPATING well, AUDIENCE. Say YEAH YEAH! AUDIENCE (timidly) ...yeah... yeah... SAHR NGAUJAH (oh no his "disappointed look" now "looks" even more "disappointed"!) That was awful. Now you're all going to stand up. BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO, NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN VOLITION! If you don't we'll wait. I mean it. This show is 2 and a half hours, and it used to be 3. So I have extra time budgeted. Audience awkwardly gets up. SAHR NGAUJAH Now you're going to dance. I'm going to shout out directions and you're going to shake your butt in that direction. This will KILL lots of TIME. AUDIENCE Aren't I paying to watch other people do this? SAHR NGAUJAH I'm going to bring the rest of the ensemble onto the stage and into the audience, and they're going to do a half hour of variations on different ways of butt-shaking. (angrily) DANCE WITH THEM. BROADWAY PRODUCER WILL SMITH (gets jiggy) Now that's what I'm talkin' `bout! AUDIENCE (covering eyes) Why do you keep blinding me with these lights? SAHR NGAUJAH So that you can't see what's happening onstage right now. Which is basically me gratuitously pretending to play the saxophone while we hope to hell that these numbers stand alone and in place of a PLOT. AUDIENCE Can't you hold off on the "endless concert" part till the middle of the show? Like in Jersey Boys? So we get to know you fir-- SAHR NGAUJAH IT SHOULD BE CLEAR BY NOW THAT THIS IS NOT JERSEY BOYS! Afrobeat goes on for a half an hour. Which is about the amount it takes for it to all sound the same when they're songs you've never heard before. PAUL SIMON, DAVE MATTHEWS THE FOUR SEASONS, AND PROBABLY A FEW OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS TOO It's nothing against Afrobeat. Most of the songs by each of us sound the same if you listen to three albums worth for the very first time. ENSEMBLE (insanely high energy despite endless repetitiveness!) Hey we found a new type of choreograph-- No, wait, this is just us shaking our asses again. AUDIENCE (overwhelmed by their senses) (also by endless Afrobeat) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! SAHR NGAUJAH Excellent. I'm glad you've all gotten to know me. AUDIENCE I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL! YOU DANCED FOREVER AND THAT'S IT! SAHR NGAUJAH It's 8:40. Really. So let's start the story... ... But FIRST I'll sing a song about how things are bad and how we ought to have them be not bad. Subtitles mercifully appear on the screen to help you with his thick accent. SAHR NGAUJAH Then I'll tell you about the time I met this girl-- Enter female love interest. SAYCON SENGBLOH Hi Fela, I'm finally another character besides you in this musical. I think you should learn about life from books-- SAHR NGAUJAH --who I immediately said goodbye to and never saw again. SAYCON SENGBLOH (fading away into ensemble) What the... SAHR NGAUJAH So here's another song I wrote. It's........................ ............................................................. Yes! An Afrobeat song! It also talks about how things are bad, and how we ought to have them be not bad. Subtitles don't appear. AUDIENCE (now having major difficulty with Pidgin English) WAIT WHERE DID THE SUBTITLES GO? PLEASE BRING THEM BACK! SAHR NGAUJAH (singing) WHITE COLONIALISTS ARE BAD WHITE COLONIALISTS ARE BAD WHITE WHITE WHITE COLONIALISTS ARE BAD. THE FANTASTIC ONSTAGE BAND Um... we're practically all white. Maybe we should play out of the audience's view? In the pit?? DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHAKE YOUR BUTT SOME MORE! SAHR NGAUJAH Now I'll tell you something about myself because you were all so good. I had a mom, she was fantastic, but she's dead now. We see his mom projected in one of those Harry Potter moving pictures that plays the same 5-second moving image loop, over and over. LILLIAS WHITE (as a ghost) I am Fela's Mom. You might think that I'm here to do something to propel a plot, but you'd be sorely mistaken. Instead, I'm going to sing a song about how things are bad, but they ought to be good. She DOES. PROJECTIONS (show us the only bits of history we'll actually learn) PACE (drags) SAHR NGAUJAH Oh crap, intermission. Cliffhangers belong here. Hey Bill T. Jones, maybe something could ACTUALLY HAPPEN here? ENSEMBLE You could use any one of us so it's not a one-man show anym-- DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES NO. What about when Fela ran for PRESIDENT? Imagine if instead of WHITE PEOPLE for president of Nigeria, there was (wink) A BLACK PRESIDENT. BROADWAY PRODUCER WILL SMITH Now that's what I'm talkin' `bout! ...Whoa it's weird to see my name with that title. OH BOY, WILL FELA BECOME THE BLACK PRESIDENT?!?!?!?!? SCENE: ACT TWO. SAHR NGAUJAH Nope, I didn't become President. Hmm. If only my dead mother was alive. She'd know what to do. LILLIAS WHITE (as a ghost) Fela, here's what I can tell you. In the form of a song, where I say how things are bad, and how we ought to have them be not bad. SAHR NGAUJAH But mother, I wrote that song. LILLIAS WHITE Why would you actually mention that? You wrote almost every song in this musical. SAHR NGAUJAH But my songs don't move plot! How can I move plot? LILLIAS WHITE Tell us about a time you took a crap. He DOES. SAHR NGAUJAH Did that help? LILLIAS WHITE Uh... not so much. SAHR NGAUJAH How about I tell everyone about how I have like a dozen wives? ENSEMBLE We are his dozen wives. BROADWAY PRODUCER WILL SMITH Yeah, that's what I'm talkin'-- BROADWAY PRODUCER JADA PINKETT SMITH *Ahem*? BROADWAY PRODUCER WILL SMITH I mean, "A dozen wives? How come?" DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES Remember? The dozen wives? From the History of Fela Kuti? AUDIENCE (perking up) No! But does this mean I'm going to finally learn something about this amazing man and what he-- DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES EVERYBODY DANCE MORE! And Sahr, why don't you sing another endless non-dramatic song about how things are bad and how we ought to have them be not bad. DANCING (happens) SAHR NGAUJAH And around 10 PM, that was the point where LOTS OF TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED for the first time all night in a PLAY THAT TAKES PLACE IN TROUBLED TROUBLED NIGERIA. Actual exposition finally happens, but only via projections. SAHR NGAUJAH Also, my mother died. AUDIENCE Your mother's already dead. That was like thing #1 you said in the beginning. SAHR NGAUJAH No, but you see, she's dead *now*. AUDIENCE Of course she's dead *now*, it's 2009. SAHR NGAUJAH No, but it's 1977 at this fictional concert you're at. AUDIENCE And you said your mother died in the very beginning of the show. Likely because you wanted to use her as an excuse for songs of yours being randomly sung. Three separate times. SAHR NGAUJAH Well let's say there's Timeline A, which is this fictional concert that you're at. And within Timeline A, I'm talking about Timeline B, which is my past as-of Timeline A. In Timeline B, my mother just now died. In Timeline A, my mother died at the beginning of the concert or beforehand. We have to go back to Timeline A to keep Biff from stealing the Sports Almanac in Timeline B, or else... I just confused myself. YOUR SENSES (overloaded) SAHR NGAUJAH If only I had someone to interact with, ANY OTHER CHARACTER AT ALL... SAYCON SENGBLOH What if I came into the story again, maybe even as a different charac-- SAHR NGAUJAH I guess I'll have to TRAVEL DOWN INTO THE DEATHWORLD TO GO SEE MY MOTHER. All of three minutes after she died. I'm very impatient. Everybody screams and shakes their butts as the stage is redesigned to become "El Dia De Los Muertos" meets "Disney's Haunted Mansion". Lillias White grandiosely stands in what seems to be a telephone booth on a ladder. SAHR NGAUJAH Oh mother, I have spent ten minutes of absolutely unnecessary stage time dancing among ensemble members in blacklight to ask you the question: do I have your blessing to leave Nigeria? LILLIAS WHITE No. SAHR NGAUJAH I guess this was all pretty gratuitous then. MORE DANCING! Chorus enters onstage holding those weird white coffins from the minimalist 2006 Sweeney Todd revival. PROJECTIONS Fela eventually died somehow or other. DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES THE END! LET'S DO MORE OF MY CHOREOGRAPHY! AUDIENCE Didn't he die of AIDS? Wasn't he an AIDS activist or something? DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES Not important. AUDIENCE It was in every single press release! DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES What, suddenly you think you know something about Fela Kuti? AUDIENCE No, but I just spent 150 minutes at a Broadway show based on his life. DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER/ CONCEIVER BILL T. JONES So? AUDIENCE So... Shouldn't I? BLACKOUT. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2010:/_broadwayabridged//3.439 2009-11-16T09:19:14Z 2010-04-30T06:00:23Z

RAGTIME ABRIDGED OR LES AMERICANBLES By Gil Varod SCENE: THE NEIL SIMON THEATER... ...where they've stolen one catwalk from every single Broadway theater so they can keep claiming that this production is "stripped down". LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com RAGTIME ABRIDGED OR LES AMERICANBLES By Gil Varod SCENE: THE NEIL SIMON THEATER... ...where they've stolen one catwalk from every single Broadway theater so they can keep claiming that this production is "stripped down". LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK In 1994, Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb directed company accountants to falsify Livent's records to boost its earnings to the tune of half a billion dollars. And it seemed, for some time thereafter, Ahrens and Flaherty would be relegated to off-Broadway musicals or, worse, "Seussical". WASPS La, la la la la! RON BOHMER Father was well off. Very well off, for a man who was best known for replacing the lead in "Scarlet Pimpernel" and being the secondary bad guy in "Woman in White". Yep, Lloyd Webber's had a new musical on Broadway recently. I forgot too! CHRISTIANE NOLL The land of "Jekyll and Hyde" fanatics was Mother's Domain. She took pleasure in not having to sing Frank Wildhorn crap anymore, and often told herself how fortunate she was to finally be in a musical that allowed for simple things, like "having your character perform plot-related actions". BOBBY STEGGERT Mother's... Younger Brother... was a man... in search of... a way to not deliver... his lines in a... really weird off-kilter rhythm... like he was... Spring Awakening's John Gallagher Jr... or... yeah. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON In Harlem, Men and Women of color forgot their troubles and excused the fact that Coalhouse Walker, Act Two's main driving force, didn't appear in the plot at all for the first half hour. SARAH BROWNEYES One young woman was freaked out that she had to fill Audra McDonald's shadow! Her name was Sarah.... no! Audra's name wasn't Sarah! Audra's name was Audra! I mean IS Audra! Audra McDonald's not dead! Oh shoot I've already killed it haven't I?!? ROBERT PETKOFF In Latvia, a man dreamed of a new world known as The American Musical, a place where his daughter was the one girl from "13" lucky enough to not be in Bye Bye Birdie, and where famous people were pointlessly trotted out for vague name recognition. BOOKER T. WASHINGTON, HARRY HOUDINI, J.P. MORGAN, HENRY FORD, EMMA GOLDMAN, ADMIRAL ROBERT E. PEARY, MATTHEW HENSON, EVELYN NESBIT, STANFORD WHITE, HARRY K. THAW, HOUDINI'S MOM, AND THE CAT IN THE HAT (singing) WE'LL POP UP HERE AND THERE AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHERE WHO OR WHAT WE MIGHT BE! STANDFORD WHITE, HARRY K. THAW AND HOUDINI'S MOM Oh wait... no, not us. We've been cut. I guess we were gratuitous. ALBERT EINSTEIN (sympathizing) Heck, that's never stopped any of the other American History characters in this show. HENRY FORD I'm not cut from this show because I'm the tip-top! All men are created equal, but the cream rises to the top! J.P. MORGAN Henry, did you just have two lines in a row that end in "top"? HENRY FORD Terrence McNally couldn't have *possibly* written such a strange mistake, such prose wouldn't rise to the top! J.P. MORGAN Please stop that. HENRY FORD Sure, I'll prioritize your request to the tippy top! J.P. MORGAN Grr. Suddenly everyone hops onto a SOUL TRAIN and gets ready to do a do-si-doe! Then they follow each other around the stage in straight lines and 90 degree angles. They are divided into the 3 TYPES OF PEOPLE that existed back in early 1900s America. White People: WASPS We are rich! African Americans Who Live in Harlem: BLACK PEOPLE We are poor! And People In The Cast Of "Fiddler On the Roof": FIDDLER CAST (stomping ground while shaking their arms in the stereotypical air) Every day is a bottle dance! CHRISTIANE NOLL You know what sucks about Ahrens and Flaherty opening numbers? It's five minutes-- RON BOHMER Twelve to sixteen. CHRISTIANE NOLL It's twelve to sixteen minutes in, and you know the rest of the show won't ever be better than that. RON BOHMER When Ahrens and Flaherty get to the point where their songs are "Sondheimed"--e.g. mined for endless revues--I'd like my name thrown in for directing "OPENING NUMBERS ONLY: THE BEST OF AHRENS AND FLAHERTY." AHRENS AND FLAHERTY Sure, let's do it in the basement of Lincoln Center. They're basically our bitch now. SCENE: FATHER IS LEAVING TO GO DISCOVER THE NORTH POLE. CHRISTIANE NOLL You're seriously ditching us for a whole year? RON BOHMER Oh, Mother. Nothing changes in a year, WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE, SAY NO MORE. But: I'll miss you so while I'm off exploring the North Pole. CHRISTIANE NOLL So then don't go. RON BOHMER Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, goodbye wife. I'll think of you when I'm having sex with an Eskimo in the book. CHRISTIANE NOLL Eww. Ron departs without saying I LOVE YOU, in case you weren't sure yet whether he's a TERRIBLE HUSBAND. ADMIRAL ROBERT E. PEARY Ron, this is my First Black Officer, Mr. Matthew Henson. MATTHEW HENSON (putting out his hand to shake) Nice to meet you-- RON BOHMER Oh, sorry, can't. (points to self) Very Racist. Everyone sings a long throaty ballad. Don't forget to park and/or bark! RON BOHMER Hey, what's that Robert Petkoff-looking character out there? It's hard to see because I'm so impossibly far upstage. MATTHEW HENSON That's the man who marries and fornicates with your wife after you die. RON BOHMER (pointing to self) See this? STILL RACIST. SCENE: BOBBY STEGGERT GOES TO VISIT EVELYN NESBIT. Evelyn Nesbit swings back and forth using a JUSTICE SCALE as her swing. +1 for Cleverness. -2 for Not Understanding When A Character Could Be Cut Out Without Missing Anything Important. EVELYN NESBIT Evelyn Nesbit was the most popular woman in America. If she wore her hair in painfully unrealistic looking curls, everybody wore their hair in painfully unrealistic looking curls. If she dressed like a pirate in Act Two for no particular reason, everyone dressed like a pirate in Act Two for no particular reason. If she was the lead in Rock of Ages before being bumped by both Amy Spanger and Kerry Butler--at separate times!-- then EVERYONE WAS THE LEAD IN ROCK OF AGES BEFORE BEING BUMPED BY BOTH AMY SPANGER AND KERRY BUTLER AT SEPARATE TIMES! WHEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH! Crappy vaudeville commences in the background. Ah, American History! BOBBY STEGGERT Mother's Younger Brother was tired of speaking in the third person. (to Evelyn) I'm going to change the world for you! EVELYN NESBIT You've apparently mistaken us for Jodi Foster and John Hinckley Jr., but no matter, I'll give you a kiss. BOBBY STEGGERT That'll do for now, so long as Emma Goldman still massages you sexually while I hide in the closet watching and playing with myself, my discharge inevitably landing on you in the end. EVELYN NESBIT WHAT. ARE. YOU. TALKING. ABOUT. BOBBY STEGGERT (hands her a copy of E.L. Doctorow's "Ragtime") EVELYN NESBIT (skims through early chapters) Holy shit. (to audience) And that right there should end the argument "this doesn't stick close enough to the book". For all dramatic works. Forever. SCENE: NEW ROCHELLE. CHRISTIANE NOLL Let's see, here I am, all alone. My husband just left for the North Pole just a mere hour ago and-- LITTLE BLACK BABY BURIED IN HER GARDEN (being found) Wah. CHRISTIANE NOLL Ha! Figures. LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK Why is that little black baby in our garden, Mother? Are black people in New Rochelle just too poor to know the difference between a garden and a dumpster? CHRISTIANE NOLL I'm starting to think Father leaving may have been a good thing. SCENE: A PLACE WHERE GIANT GATES DON'T CRASH DOWN ANYMORE. ROBERT PETKOFF I've decided to start out making money by selling drawings on the streets rather than attempting a real job. The cast of Fiddler on the Roof walks back and forth on the stage endlessly in what still passes for "Choreography" in your Playbill. ROBERT PETKOFF Hmm. I wonder why I'm not making money? HARRY HOUDINI Probably because even a "stripped down" version still has 40 people. ROBERT PETKOFF You... you didn't understand my question at all. He tries even harder at Artist-ing, but instead he accidentally summons J.P. Morgan. J.P. MORGAN Hi everyone. Remember me? From History? ROBERT PETKOFF What are you doing here? J.P. MORGAN The Cast of Fiddler promised they'd let me crush them while I stand on a platform. ROBERT PETKOFF No, we don't really do that anymore. In any production. Ever. J.P. MORGAN But there're an awful lot of platforms. Can't just one move up and down? ROBERT PETKOFF You apparently don't understand the concept of "stripped down". DIRECTOR MARCIA MILGROM DODGE Yes, only *I* get to be the arbitrator for what is "stripped down" or not. J.P. MORGAN Well now I'm confused as to what I'm doing here! ROBERT PETKOFF WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD! HARRY HOUDINI When you feel dejected, just think of me. I used to be an immigrant! ROBERT PETKOFF You said that twice already. What kind of idol are you supposed to be? HARRY HOUDINI Don't idolize me! Shit, I lie to people for a living. SCENE: EMMA GOLDMAN GIVES SOME SPEECH. EMMA GOLDMAN Remember me, from History? I just came back from Boston, where an immigrant is being overworked! (pause) In Boston. In a factory. (pause) With his daughter! AUDIENCE ... EMMA GOLDMAN It's Robert Petkoff. He's in Boston now. Gee I don't know how (COUGH COUGH) you could have possibly missed that line in passing. Well, at least he's doing "working in a factory" movements to try and help clarif-- OH NO WAIT, they're in Philadelphia now. Man this guy knows his Amtrak. ROBERT PETKOFF (huffing/puffing) There was a lot of chaos or something and I had no idea what sort of plot was being rushed down my throat, and the next thing I knew I was on a train showing my child a Flipbook? Which I call a "MovieBook". GIRL FROM "13" Sure. You came up with the word "Movie". Right. ROBERT PETKOFF GOD SO HELP ME I WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW YOUR MOTHER WAS LEFT BEHIND IN LATVIA FOR WHORING HERSELF OUT. (pauses) Er, I mean, if you can't stomach that "made up the word MOVIE" revelation, Act 2 is going to be pretty hard to swallow. Robert Petkoff delivers the most cloying song in the show, but in a way that somehow does not make you want to scoop out your own eardrums with a grapefruit spoon! ROBERT PETKOFF See everybody in an hour! (goes to Angus McIndoe's for a leisurely dinner) SCENE: HARLEM. Let's meet more main characters! It's never too late in RAGTIME to meet even *more* main characters! QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON I'm black, and this is a musical. Which of course means my life will constantly alternate between melodramatic and violent. Oh, I figured out where Sarah Browneyes is, and I'm going do my damnest to make sure she takes me back. BLACK PEOPLE Yaaay! Er... we mean, what stereotypical things do black people shout out? In musicals? QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON (miming piano) Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Nothing-Is-Happenin' Plotwise-Rag! Now let's all dance like how black people dance! In musicals! Quentin joins in dancing with various other women that aren't Sarah Browneyes. BLACK WOMEN Boy I wonder just how he "loved her not too wisely". QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON And to make up for everything, I'm sure she'll love me more if I am driving a new car! Chicks dig cars, right? Even in like 190X right? Enter Henry Ford. HENRY FORD Hello everybody, you may notice that I'm not nearly as racist today as you'd expect me to be from the source material. That's because back in `98 the Ford Corporation invested a excessive sum of money into this musical that, Jesus, we could *really* use today. But the investment came with a little-known stipulation that we could always replace this portion of the musical with a more *updated* interruption if we pleased. So I'd like to present you the 2010 Ford Taurus: A beaut, ain't she? Now not so long ago, we took the world by surprise when we built cars that took people to places they'd never been, like the Model T that Coalhouse here is going to use to surprise his lady friend. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON (singing) Hell, I'll take-- HENRY FORD Well today, we're surprising the world again. With cars like the 2010 Ford Fusion, our 41 MPG Hybrid: Folks, this is our time to show everyone what one Ford can do when we all work together to improve, innovate, and inspire. These are cars made with integrity, imagination, and WITH A QUALITY THAT IS NOW EQUAL TO TOYOTA! Ford. Drive one. (walking offstage, to wings) Jesus, Alan, imagine if we were also using that damn Toyota line for our commercials. (pause) What? You're shitting me. Why, if I find the kike or nigg-- SCENE: SARAH BROWNEYES SINGS A TORTURED-BLACK-WOMAN-AS WRITTEN-BY-WHITE-PEOPLE LONG THROATY BALLAD... ... and keeps from sounding like she's bawling the entire song! Good for her! SARAH BROWNEYES (singing) ONLY DARKNESS AND PAIN THE ANGER AND PAIN THE BLOOD AND THE PAIN THE MUD AND THE PAIN THE FLOODIN' OF PAIN THE SADNESS AND PAIN THE MADNESS AND PAIN THE GLADNESS AND PAIN THERE'S OH SO MUCH PAIN THE PAIN AND THE PAIN... Something something heartstrings... You get the idea. SCENE: QUENTIN COMES TO VISIT SARAH. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Is there a woman named Sarah that lives here? CHRISTIANE NOLL Sure, come inside. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON This wooden skeleton of a piano is badly in need of a tuning. CHRISTIANE NOLL It's the piano setpiece you own. It's the literal same setpiece you played fifteen minutes ago-- QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON (mimes playing piano) CHRISTIANE NOLL Holy crap you're damn good at miming the Piano when the Piano is literally a Wooden Frame. Think you could teach Sahr Ngaujah over at "Fela!" a lesson or two about how to mime Saxaphone playing so he doesn't look so ridiculous? QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON I don't have time for that. I must speak to Sarah. CHRISTIANE NOLL Sarah will not see you now. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON What if I came back every week? CHRISTIANE NOLL Nope. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON What if I played the piano and sang a Best of Ragtime medley? CHRISTIANE NOLL Nope. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON What if I sang the long throaty words, (sung) SARAH COME DOWN TO ME! SARAH BROWNEYES (running down like 7 flights of stairs) YEAH THAT'S ALL YOU NEEDED TO DO WAS ASK! BLACK PEOPLE, WHITE PEOPLE, JEWS, OH MY! Let's suddenly be a Greek Chorus for the only time all play! SARAH BROWNEYES I'm trying to get (inhale) (exhale) there, why are there so many (inhale) (exhale) stairs? It's New Rochelle, not The Duomo. RON BOHMER (entering) Hi honey, I'm home, and I brought back from Alaska a long throaty ballad. Also, I'm limp for life now. CHRISTIANE NOLL How'd you get that? RON BOHMER Physical manifestation of my failure as a husband. SCENE: THE SECOND LONG SLOW THROATY BALLAD IN A ROW? Quentin and Sarah drive/walk up in the sweetest looking Flintstones car you've ever seen. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Sarah, look at our baby. Your folks will take to him like cats to cream. Wow, that felt weird to say. SARAH BROWNEYES I CAN'T CONCENTRATE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF I'M HOLDING MY OWN TO AUDRA MCDONALD! Will I at least be good enough to play her part if they ever make a Private Practice Stage Musical? QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Shhh... it's going to be okay, Sarah Browneyes. Or should I say, Sarah Browneyes, my wife! SARAH BROWNEYES Oh, Quentin! QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Our son will make his way on the WHEELS OF A DREAM. Just like this car. This Ford Model T car. Which also has WHEELS. See, Sarah? It's a "parallel". SARAH BROWNEYES Just because I'm not Audra McDonald doesn't mean I'm developmentally challenged. IRISH ASSHOLE (finally, a BAD GUY!) Hey Quentin, I made a doody all over your car. SARAH BROWNEYES Well that shouldn't be a problem, your doody would fall right through the empty frame-- QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON THAT'S IT! Until I have solved the #1 priority that IS MY CAR, I can't marry you Sarah. SARAH BROWNEYES How men will be men! SCENE: SARAH GOES TO TELL A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ABOUT HER DARKNESS AND PAIN, THE ANGER AND PAIN, THE BLOOD AND THE PAIN... SARAH BROWNEYES Presidential candidate! I need advice! My baby-daddy won't take responsibility for anything he does in life. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE How come? SARAH BROWNEYES His logic goes: if he can't find justice for the damage of his new car, he doesn't want to be married. You know until I just said that out loud I never realized how terrible it sounds. Just shoot me now! PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Have it your way. He DOES. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! NOW I AM ANGRY AND REVENGE-HUNGRY! Watch me go from being NICE GUY to being GUY WHO SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF YOU! AN OVER THE TOP LONG THROATY (GOSPEL) BALLAD, COMPLETE WITH SHRILL HIGH-NOTE NUTZINESS, AND WE'RE IN... SCENE: ACT 2. Entr'acte plays, and white people in audience clap to prove once again that they have no rhythm. LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK Hey look, it's Houdini doing magic! Remember? From History? HARRY HOUDINI Sorry kid, not anymore. In any production of this show again. Ever. LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK But... Warn... the Duke.. HARRY HOUDINI Yeah I get it, it's World War I, why is that relevant? LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK But... what about "something terrible is going to happen"? What about "people are going to die"? HARRY HOUDINI We know, we know, you have that thing people have sometimes... what's it called... Lazy Foreshadowing? LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK E.S.P. HARRY HOUDINI Same difference. CHRISTIANE NOLL (to Ron Bohmer) Father, your son feels depressed about how Houdini basically walks around like a moron doing nothing the whole show. If you were a better father and knew your son at all, you'd know how to handle him. RON BOHMER Oh yeah? (hands little boy a baseball glove) Little boy, do you like Charm Songs? LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK Do I! CHRISTIANE NOLL Oh, husband, maybe I've been too hard on you! You're not so awf-- RON BOHMER Oh, they don't let ni***rs play baseball yet do they? CHRISTIANE NOLL Scratch that. SCENE: COALHOUSE IS KILLING TONS OF PEOPLE. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON My car got ruined, which prompted my fiancee to ask the president for help, which led her to get gunned down by security guards! This ridiculous sequence of melodramatic events has made me ANGRY and REVENGE-HUNGRY! He goes on a shooting rampage. RON BOHMER I must save my family! If only there were a safe haven. EVELYN NESBIT Atlantic City is a safe haven. RON BOHMER Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, the New Jersey one? Why? EVELYN NESBIT Because you should enjoy it now before it becomes plagued with poverty, crime, and disease. RON BOHMER Oh right that hasn't happened yet. SCENE: ATLANTIC CITY. Everyone sings about Atlantic City for a full five minutes and thirty four seconds. ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS FACIAL HAIR CUT! Seriously, CUT the song. That's even worse than "Gliding". (smiles to audience) Hey remember me! From the first act? I'm suddenly famous and rich now! I can afford a Mach 3 Razor! (shaving happily) When you put a battery in this one it buzzes! HARRY HOUDINI Did anybody want to hear me ramble on about my Mom dying again as a replacement for Me Not Doing Magic? No? Oh. (pouts) Enter a marching band dressed in the worst color of red you can come up with. RON BOHMER They're playing Ragtime music. Why, that conveniently reminds me that I should go to New York to help deal with a neglected plotline. He does, because things there are BAD. They're so bad, in fact, that it causes Atlantic City to get crappy stormcloudsy weather, which ruins *everybody's* vacation. Thanks a lot, Quentin. ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS FACIAL HAIR You know, anyone can get lucky in America! That is, if you have the improbable ability to invent FLIPBOOKS, MOVIES, and FILM PROJECTORS back in the early 1900s, and the fortune to have that VERY INTERESTING SEGMENT OF YOUR LIFE skipped over entirely so you don't have to worry about plausibility. Then, you can be like ME, owner of my own film company which I named "EXCESSIVE EXPOSITION SONG, INC." How the life of an immigrant always ends so rosy!!!!! Evelyn Nesbit and Harry Houdini wander around aimlessly a little more, while a band mimes playing instruments, and NO PLOT HAPPENS. GIRL FROM "13" Father, this movie you're making looks terrible. (indicating Christiane Noll) Does this mean that we'll be poor unless you find a way to marry that shiksa? ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS FACIAL HAIR SO HELP YOU GOD I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO A JASON ROBERT BROWN MUSICAL. (coughs) I mean, "I will buy you wind and ocean for the rest of your life". Ha ha. Children. Now go along, run around with the weird white fey kid. CHRISTIANE NOLL (facing audience) Look at how our children play in the sand! ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS FACIAL HAIR That's very nuanced of you but, um, that's not the ocean. The ocean is behind us. We had this same problem with the last produc-- CHRISTIANE NOLL TOWARD THE FUTURE! FROM THE... uh... PAST! ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS FACIAL HAIR Can I open my heart to you, with a hope that maybe your husband will one day die on a submarine that I definitely didn't have a hand in the torpedo-ing of? CHRISTIANE NOLL Sure. For some reason I'm suddenly into you. Of course, when your husband's an asshole, every option looks better than the one you're in. Do I get to speak-sing the beginning verse of an open-throat ballad yet? ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS FACIAL HAIR I was thinking we could just see more of what happens to Quentin. Frankly that's the only part I really care about right now. FINALLY: SCENE: QUENTIN IS THREATENING TO BLOW UP A LIBRARY. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Hello audience. I think maybe you've forgotten what's motivating my ANGER, and my HUNGER FOR REVENGE. AUDIENCE Um. They killed your woman. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON (plugging fingers in ears) Lalalalalalala. Hey Sarah, why don't you come out here and we can act out a little flashback, in case they forgot. SARAH BROWNEYES Tee-hee, only if we DON'T change the lighting to "flashback mode", so people are as confused as possible! BOBBY STEGGERT (entering) QUENTIN. I'm here to help you, because by wandering aimlessly in and out of scenes that could've happened without me, I've grown as a person. Which means I can help you explode things! QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON You sure have grown as a person! Why, your speaking isn't John Gallagher Jr. like at all! BOBBY STEGGERT See? I had a reason for talking weird. I was giving my character DEPTH. RON BOHMER (entering) And I'm sure there would have been absolutely NO other way for you to portray that than by fooling us into thinking you came straight from community theater! BOBBY STEGGERT (to Ron Bohmer) YOU ARE A DESPICABLE MAN AND YOU MAKE ME SICK. RON BOHMER Would a despicable man bring by the Al Sharpton of his time? Ooh, that didn't come out right at all. Enter Booker T. Washington on Atkins. THE THINNEST BOOKER T. WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN I am here because I think I can talk some sense int-- QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Wow Mr. Washington, you've slimmed up! How did you do that? THE THINNEST BOOKER T. WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN A healthy diet of open beams and tiers. But I'm not fully fat-free, I still let myself bulk up on a good dozen costumes per chorusmember! QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Again, I think you've maybe misunderstood my question. THE THINNEST BOOKER T. WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN Quentin you have to give this all up. Don't you realize that your son isn't being taken care of by your woman anymore? QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Son? OH RIGHT I HAVE A SON SHIT. THE THINNEST BOOKER T. WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN It's my job to convince you to sing a final open-throated teary song about universal truths, then to go outside and let yourself get shot at many times. For your son's sake. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON You're right. He steps outside. QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON Hey wait a minute how is this supposed to help my (dies) SCENE: EPILOGUE. LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK The era of Ragtime had run out. What? What the Fuck does that mean? BOBBY STEGGERT Mother's Younger Brother went down South to join a Mexican revolution, which was chronicled in RAGTIME TWO: RAG HARDER. EMMA GOLDMAN The signs of the coming Tony Awards were everywhere, and the 2010 award for Best Revival of a Musical was awarded to Bye Bye Birdie. Ha! Oh man, could you even imagine? THE THINNEST BOOKER T. WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN When the Ragtime revival closed, the guy playing Booker T. Washington got another job at... (quickly) ...The Lion King! OH GOD I SAID IT! (runs away in fear) RON BOHMER Father died, so they wouldn't have to divorce or cheat on each other or anything immoral. Isn't that great? CHRISTIANE NOLL The Ford Theater, Ragtime's original home, continued to host countless flops. After Spiderman The Musical opened in 2013 for a week of previews before the building mysteriously caught fire and burned down for inconclusive reasons, copious amounts of insurance money was used to replace it with two sensible-sized theaters, THE LYRIC and THE APOLLO. ROBERT PETKOFF One day, the immigrant filmmaker was sitting on the porch with his Shiksa Wife, watching his Hallmark Branded Melting Pot Children play together and he created The Little Rascals. No! Don't go look that up in Wikipedia to make sure that's right! Wikipedia is always wrong. LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT "EDGAR" IN THE BOOK AMERICA. Where people of Color and Paleness can join together to see a Great American Musical together. And walk out after the Curtain Call, hand in hand, to see the LIGHT OF AMERICAN DREAMS. Lights that come together to spell out AMERICAN DREAM WORDS, words like "Gypsy", and "Les Mis", and "La Cage", and "Parade". And probably "The Producers", and "Hairspray", and "Legally Blonde", and "The Color Purple". ECONOMY-WHIPPED PRODUCERS That's right bitches. The "How Soon Is Too Soon To Revive A Show" limit has been lifted! FOREVER! Now where'd I put my checkbook. BLACKOUT. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2010:/_broadwayabridged//3.438 2009-11-13T09:19:15Z 2010-04-29T20:03:51Z

SUPERIOR DO[UGH]NUTS ABRIDGED OR THE ABC [THIRTY YEARS] AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: A DO[UGH]NUT SHOP THAT REMINDS YOU OF THE MOST DISGUSTING TWIN DONUT YOU'VE EVER SET FOOT IN, AND...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com SUPERIOR DO[UGH]NUTS ABRIDGED OR THE ABC [THIRTY YEARS] AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: A DO[UGH]NUT SHOP THAT REMINDS YOU OF THE MOST DISGUSTING TWIN DONUT YOU'VE EVER SET FOOT IN, AND YET STILL MAKES YOU WANT TO BUY ONE DURING INTERMISSION, THE BASTARDS. POLICEWOMAN We don't know who smashed the window of this do[ugh]nut shop. Do you, Hilarious Foreign Guy? HILARIOUS FOREIGN GUY SIDE CHARACTER No, I am too much with the Busy for the Living of American Dream. EVERYBODY American Dream! POLICEMAN I'm black, but I dress in Star Trek clothing as my character's gag. VERY TALL BLONDE RUSSIAN GUY I am here solely because I look like the bad guy from Rocky IV, and to be the butt of dated jokes about the fact that I look like the bad guy from Rocky IV. RANDOM DRUNK WOMAN I'm also some sort of side character. Enter a man who's pretty fantastic at DRAMA for a person you likely know as THAT GUY FROM THAT IMPROV DOCUMENTARY. MICHAEL MCKEAN I run this do[ugh]nut shop. And I am entirely unconcerned with who broke in. POLICEWOMAN Why, because you're endlessly PASSIVE? MICHAEL MCKEAN That, and I read the rest of the play and it turns out that it doesn't matter. What concerns me more is that Starbucks and Best Buy are RUINING THE HUMAN FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY. POLICEWOMAN Well said, Guy Who Is Too Afraid To Ask Me On A Date Until He Learns Something Important About *Himself* In Act Two. HILARIOUS FOREIGN GUY SIDE CHARACTER Yeah, corporations are in the suck! MICHAEL MCKEAN This is an important notion, and a very NEW concept in dramatic American works. Just like a T.V. Sitcom Wisecracking Black Guy! Enter the aforementioned. JON MICHAEL HILL Yo McK--can I call you McK?--I'm here fer that help want'd sign ya got up on the window, and in return I'm gonna offer you some chillin' one-liners. Also FORESHADOWING I've compulsively gambled myself into major debt. MICHAEL MCKEAN Why should I hire you? JON MICHAEL HILL Because only a black kid with a heart of warmth can thaw an emotionally frozen white man. Possible I remind you of yourself somehow? MICHAEL MCKEAN But the audience doesn't know that. They know barely anything about me. If only there was a technique that playwrights could resort to when they can't figure out how to dramatize exposition! JON MICHAEL HILL You could address them directly with monologues that fill them in on your past. MICHAEL MCKEAN What?!?!? But my character's way too self-reserved to-- Weird spotlight on Michael McKean. MICHAEL MCKEAN Oh. Um... let's see, what do you *need* to know... My Dad was a Prisoner of War, and I got drafted into Vietnam but ran away to Canada, and my father always resented me for it and-- Huh? What did you *do*? Well, I just lived my life, and got married, and I've been divorced, and my ex-wife died too so I'm *definitely* as lonely as possible-- What? What is it like? Is that what you asked me? AUDIENCE ...We didn't ask you anything. MICHAEL MCKEAN I thought I'm taking questions from the audience. Or being interviewed by... somebody? Anybody? JON MICHAEL HILL Never mind, these honkey spotlight monologues be trippin! (holding up 7000-page handwritten book) This is my Great American Novel I wrote, WHICH I HAVE THE MISFORTUNE TO ONLY HAVE ONLY ONE COPY OF. (winks) Read it, McK. Michael McKean reads a book the size of an encyclopedia in one night. MICHAEL MCKEAN This is essentially the best book ever written in the history of the universe. Despite the fact that the book, this OBJECT in my hand, is so heavy, so WEIGHTED. JON MICHAEL HILL Underneath my wiseguy exterior, I've got a wisdom well beyon' my years. Would be a major shame if two guys came in here to do terrible things to me and my book, WHICH I HAVE THE MISFORTUNE TO ONLY HAVE ONLY ONE COPY OF. VERY TOUGH GUY WHO CONVENIENTLY HAS AN ULCER I'm here, and I conveniently have an ulcer. MICHAEL MCKEAN Good, because I am 59 years old and I'm going to FIGHT YOU. VERY TOUGH GUY WHO CONVENIENTLY HAS AN ULCER But stage combat relies on SPEED for the illusion to work! If we moved as slowly as you and I inevitably will, it will be obvious to the audience that we are not hitting each other at all! MICHAEL MCKEAN SOOOOOOOOO BBEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIT! The fight is long. And sweaty. And bloody, which is accomplished by the actors pulling out little plastic blood containers. Which isn't unique or anything, but sometimes it's fun to see how the stage magic is performed! Like when Penn and Teller ruin a trick for you for life. Oh look Michael McKean won somehow? CONVENIENCE Works for me. DANNY TANNER (as the slow and sullen version of the Superior Do[ugh]nuts Theme Song plays) Now, John Michael Hill, what did you learn about Gambling? JON MICHAEL HILL Oh Dad, I'll never gamble again. Gambling is for losers! MICHELLE TANNER Peeeeee-yooooo! MICHAEL MCKEAN And I'll never be a cipher character ever again! Now, who wants a free do[ugh]nut? EVERYBODY Yaaaaaay! KIMMY GIBBLER Well I don't want a bear claw. Imagine those poor bears without hands! JON MICHAEL HILL Or without two fingers! EVERYBODY Ah ha ha ha! Stay tuned for a sneak peek at next week's episode, where Hilarious Foreign Guy's niece comes from Foreign Country and mistakenly thinks she and John Michael Hill are married. Phew! BLACKOUT. ]]> tag:www.varod.net,2009:/_broadwayabridged//3.48 2009-11-12T15:18:00Z 2010-04-30T06:03:06Z

If you're new to Broadway Abridged, you may not be aware that occasionally we get a hamful of actors into the Broadway Bullet studio to record a Radio Show version called Broadway Abridged: Live! If you're old to Broadway Abridged,...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com If you're new to Broadway Abridged, you may not be aware that occasionally we get a hamful of actors into the Broadway Bullet studio to record a Radio Show version called Broadway Abridged: Live! If you're old to Broadway Abridged, then you made me type more words than I had to today, and I resent you for it.

Rachel Pincus, Jaclyn Huberman, Steven Olender and Randall Meehl provide the voices for West Side Story Abridged, or, High School (Spanish) Musical, with Michael Gilboe as your friendly neighborhood narrator.

You can subscribe to the Broadway Bullet Podcast, or you can download the MP3 of episode 324 directly (we're at about an hour and a minute in, following Daniel Jenkins and Robert Stanton from Love Child, Andrew Goffman and Charles Messina from The Accidental Pervert, Dan Fortune from Lush and Lively, and James Larocca and Peter Sabri from Panang).

And while I have your attention:

Artwork by Jennifer Lynn Jordan

New digital album BROADWAY ABRIDGED LIVE VOLUME 1: EVEN MORE MUSICALS drops on November 24th on Amazon and iTunes (no link there yet). Features ~10 minute versions of Wicked, West Side Story (yes, even though it's not on the cover), Spring Awakening, Les Miserables, Little Mermaid and A Chorus Line. It's one full hour of snark in a convenient digital package.

And hey, come back tomorrow, and we'll abridge some Superior Donuts, k?]]> tag:www.varod.net,2009:/_broadwayabridged//3.386 2009-11-09T17:00:00Z 2010-04-29T20:03:47Z

A STEADY RAIN ABRIDGED OR FINALLY WE CAN ATTRACT THE "YES I'D PAY A C-NOTE TO WATCH HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG READ THE PHONEBOOK" CROWD From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: TWO CHAIRS IN...

Gil http://www.broadwayabridged.com A STEADY RAIN ABRIDGED OR FINALLY WE CAN ATTRACT THE "YES I'D PAY A C-NOTE TO WATCH HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG READ THE PHONEBOOK" CROWD From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: TWO CHAIRS IN FRONT OF A BLACK BACKDROP, WHICH IS ROUGHLY WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT TO AFFORD WHEN YOU'VE PAID WOLVERINE AND JAMES BOND-SIZED SALARIES HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN I'm Hugh Jackman in a Chicago accent. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG And I'm Daniel Craig in a Chicago accent. PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG GET ONSTAGE! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN But we're already onstage. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG (saying moustache spelled the British way) If you imagine me without a moustache, will that help you-- PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND WHEN THEY DO I'LL CLAP SO HARD! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Um. So, I'm a cop. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG And I'm a cop. HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN And we're going to both narrate our story, going back and forth-- HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG --usually without acting it out-- HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN --so that you can hear the meshing of both of our accounts of the course of events. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG Which will BARELY clash or contradict each other, the way two people's depositions do. Because even though we are different people with separate morals and viewpoints, we will see and interpret every event EXACTLY THE SAME. Like in a one-man show! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Except we're not one man. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG We're two. HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN We're best friends. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG I have unspoken feelings for your wife. HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN I AM A FAMILY MAN. A FAMILY MAN. ME. I HAVE A WIFE. AND KIDS. WHICH MAKE A FAMILY. AND I AM THE MAN OF THE AFOREMENTIONED FAMILY. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG ... HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN ANYONE WHO MESSES WITH THE FAMILY MAN GETS VVVVEEEENNNGGGAAANCE! HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG We get it, Hollywood's Hugh Jackman. HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN I have to insist on being a FAMILY MAN a lot, Hollywood's Daniel Craig. Because my wife is not portrayed by an onstage actress. So I won't be acting out any scenes with her. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG Or with me. HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Or with him. I'll just tell all of you what happened in each scene, and you can imagine how good I-- HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG or I-- HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN would have acted in it, if it had been a movie instead. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG A picturefilm! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Like how hard I'd act when I sleep with a prostitute, or kill someone who doesn't deserve to die, or skim money off the top of something particularly unsavory, or make enemies with someone who doesn't respect the FAMILY in FAMILY MAN. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG Or when I mention rain a lot. RAIN! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Or LOGIC! HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG RAAAIIIINNN! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN LOOOOGGGIIICCC! HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG & HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN RAAAAIIIIIINNNN ANNNDDDD LLLOOOGGGIIICCCC AAAAAANNNDDDD RRRRAAAAIIINNNN ANNNDDDD LLLOOOOGGGGIIIICCC AAAANNNDDD RRRAAAIIINNNN... This continues for a short while. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG Ah, I love Tell Don't Show. HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Hey Hollywood's Daniel Craig, is there a gun in this play? HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG You mean is there a gun prop? Or is a gun casually mentioned via direct-to-the-audience storytelling? HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN The first one. HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG Then no. Unless you think this chair looks like a gun? HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN Well what will that mean if one or both of us are supposed to die via gunshot 90 minutes in? HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG Why, we'd have to come out of our Chicago Accents in order to auction off our undershirts for Broadway Cares Equity Fights Aids! HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN For real? HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG I shit you not. PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND Woooooooo! BLACKOUT. ]]>