Broadway Abridged - Scripts Only

The 2011 Tony Awards: Abridged

2011-06-13T13:45:55Z

Imagine if, just once, the Theatre award night was the one that schooled the others on how to do stuff on a stage?

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it's about time.

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Brief Encounter: Abridged

2010-11-01T17:24:41Z

If anybody hears about that jugband doing a concert, please let me know, I will totally pay to see them do 60 minutes of music.]]>

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American Idiot: Abridged

2010-10-05T14:56:41Z

Special thanks to American Edit for the soundclip.

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La Bete: Abridged

2010-10-03T13:08:02Z

You have an excuse for your writing often being inaccessible. It is about 400 years old. At the time, it was more accessible. So, good job.

Sincerely,
Broadway Abridged.

Dear David Hirson,
You wrote La Bete 19 years ago.
We just thought that you might not have been aware.

Sincerely,
Broadway Abridged

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The Colin Quinn Show: Abridged

2010-09-21T18:28:58Z

THE COLIN QUINN SHOW: ABRIDGED A "Broadway Abridged" Script By Gil Varod SCENE: THE HELEN HAYES THEATER. NOBODY (cares) BLACKOUT.

NYTimes: That’s the Deal: Colin Quinn Show, Directed by Jerry Seinfeld, Headed to Broadway
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The Addams Family: Abridged

2010-08-30T04:09:02Z

Just please don't return it; we don't want any.

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Promises, Promises: Abridged

2010-08-23T13:47:00Z

South Pacific last Wednesday night, I Tivo'd it and went to see Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth in what was apparently a musical that was revived for the following excellent reasons:

1) Mad Men is popular.

So.
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The Tonys 2010: Pre-Abridgement

2010-06-06T17:44:12Z

Tony Awards broadcast. Will I feel like I've missed anything? Does a 2010 Tony-nominated musical have wings?]]>

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Everyday Rapture: Abridged

2010-05-17T13:00:00Z

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All About Me: Abridged

2010-03-30T07:04:52Z

ALL ABOUT ME ABRIDGED OR SHE FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA FOR THIS? From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archive By Gil Varod ]]>

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A Behanding in Spokane: Abridged

2010-03-29T16:00:00Z

A BEHANDING IN SPOKANE ABRIDGED OR "OH NO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?" THE PLAY From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod and Gina Guadagnino ]]>

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101 Dalmatians: Abridged

2010-03-08T17:00:00Z

TVGasm Writer The Unprofessional Critic, who was kind enough to go see 101 Dalmatians The Musical in Chicago which:

really exists
is really something that Disney didn't have any involvement with
is really presented by Purina Dog Chow
really stars Sara Gettelfinger
really involves Jerry Zaks
is really going to be at the ~~Washington Mutual Theater~~ Madison Square Garden Theater in April
is something I have zero intention of seeing. Thanks Unpro!

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South Pacific: Abridged

2009-12-09T17:00:00Z

SOUTH PACIFIC ABRIDGED OR THE MOST HAPPY WAR! By Gil Varod and Megan Avery SCENE: OVERTURE. The stage pulls back in order to reveal a glorious 734 piece orchestra. LINCOLN CENTER PRODUCERS And we got it for the price of what unions usually charge for a 4-piece band! Go fuck yourself, for-profit producers. YOU KNOW THE TYPE Is that a *full overture* I hear? Well well! I suppose theatre *isn't* dead! God am I pretentious. A curtain with text tries to Prologue us. CURTAIN (pissy because it's too dimly lit to be read) I wish I could tell you about South Pacific. The way it actually was. The endless ocean. The infinite specks of coral we called "islands", because we were slap-happy from booze. But whenever I try to talk about South Pacific, people intervene. Because they say that people in wars don't sing and dance and slap each other's-- (curtain rises) Wait! Wait where are you taking me! SCENE: THE SOUTH PACIFIC. Enter two adorable children who walk around the stage and mime uncomfortably to each other while they stall for time until it gets to the beginning of the song. ADORABLY CUTE CHILDREN (finally on measure) ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN Wait! This musical's supposed to be IMPORTANT! RICHARD RODGERS I know, let's make them foreign or something! OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN What nationality? RICHARD RODGERS Brown! ADORABLY CUTE HALF MELANISIAN CHILDREN UN DEUX TROIS QUATRE CING SIX SEPT HUIT NEUF DIX! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN OH HOW THIS IS EXCELLENT! Enter Kelli O'Hara. KELLI O'HARA I just met you, mysterious Frenchman, but I love you already! RICHARD RODGERS YES OH SO RELEVANT! Enter an Opera Singer who uses "I'm an opera singer acting like an opera singer" as his excuse for not really acting much. PAOLO SZOT (hiding children vigorously) Yes, I love you too Kelli O'Hara. We should sing a few songs to solidify our relationship of fourteen days, when you told me how you were from Small Rock. KELLI O'HARA Little Rock. PAOLO SZOT And that you were a penis-eyed optimist. KELLI O'HARA Cock... whatever. PAOLO SZOT (soliloquying) THIS IS WHAT I NEED SOMEONE YOUNG AND SMILING AND BLONDE ALWAYS A BLONDE. They drink tea, and nothing happens. KELLI O'HARA So... small talk... (awkwardly) How long did it take you to build up this very large and extravagant plantation? PAOLO SZOT Forty Polynesian lives. KELLI O'HARA Uh. Are they Polynesian though? Because I'm-- PAOLO SZOT (singing) SOME ENCHANTED EVENING! KELLI O'HARA Ah yes I know that song. Good good. She spreads her arms all over her own shoulders and then mimes choking herself, because the Choreography budget went to Wigs. KELLI O'HARA I'm from the American South, y'all! PAOLO SZOT AND I KILLED A MAN! KELLI O'HARA Oh isn't that nice. PAOLO SZOT I KILLED A MAN! ME! KELLI O'HARA You've been so sweet to me these past three songs, so I'm sure you had a good reason. PAOLO SZOT HE WAS A WICKED MAN... (smiling) Hey we should have children! KELLI O'HARA This scene's really long. You wanna go see some gay sailors dance? SCENE: THE ANSWER IS "YES". DON'T ASK I make grass skirts! DON'T TELL I'ma gonna slap yer butt! (slaps butt) DANNY BURSTEIN So, Bloody Mary, I understand the economy of this island is entirely dependent on the United States Naval demand for quality island-crafted jewelry, garments and cultural memorabilia. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE GLASS SKILTS! BOALS TOOTH BLACERET! SHLUNKEN HEADS! YOU WRRRRIIIIIIKKEE? DANNY BURSTEIN It's nice to be in an important musical. Gay sailors sing and dance and pull down each other's pants. DON'T ASK I, ahem, "sure wish there were women around". The entire female cast jogs by. DON'T TELL I, um, "me too". DANNY BURSTEIN (singing) THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME LEFTY'S NOT THE SAME I REALLY WANT TO GO TO THE ISLAND WHERE THEY HAVE ORGIES BUT ONLY THE OFFICERS CAN GO, DAMN IT. (to rest of Navy) Everybody, walk around freely to the rhythm with me! They do, because the Choreography budget went to a big plane and two grass skirts. DANNY BURSTEIN Funny, you'd think if we wanted women so much that we CAN'T STAND IT, we would DANCE about it in a musical. Enter Matthew Morrison. DON'T ASK (clapping hands) SQUEEEEEE! DON'T TELL (jumping up and down) IT'S THE GUY FROM GLEE! THE GUY FROM GLEE Look at how cool I am. I have a CIGARETTE and a leather jacket. Like James Dean. I'm cooler than all of this. Like James Dean. He walks to one side of stage, changes his mind, walks to other side of stage, changes his mind, and walks to the first side of stage. DANNY BURSTEIN So what's your story? THE GUY FROM GLEE No, I think that was it. DANNY BURSTEIN Say, you should go to Bali Ha'i, where all the women and grass skirts come from. Only Lieutenants can go to Bali Hai! I want to go to Bali Hai! You're a Lieutenant! (to audience) Got that? That's the B plot. All of it. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE (to Glee dude) Yes, let me sing a song convincing you to go there, even though you will then be able to purchase at wholesale the items I sell for much more. YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE? THE GUY FROM GLEE Whatever. Hey, did I mention that I went to a little college in Jersey. DANNY BURSTEIN Where, Rutgers? THE GUY FROM GLEE (clearing throat) A LITTLE COLLEGE IN JERSEY. DANNY BURSTEIN Seton Hall? THE GUY FROM GLEE No. (dramatic pause:) Princeton. DANNY BURSTEIN Tool. GUY FROM GLEE SINGS "BALI HA'I" REPRISE AGAIN, JUST TO SOLIDIFY HOW DISINTERESTED HE WAS, AND THEN: SCENE: GLEE GUY MEETS WITH HEAD OF THE ENTIRE NAVY EVER. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Sorry for the wait, I had to get my team of ragtag skirt makers to the mess hall for teatime manner lessons. THE GUY FROM GLEE I'm going to draw with a stick on this wooden stage. Imagine what the drawing would have been if this stick was a Sharpee. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Yes, of course. THE GUY FROM GLEE All of these islands are generically in danger. What you need to know is that only Paolo Szot can help me make the bad bad danger go away. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Who? THE GUY FROM GLEE The guy from the first scene. Remember? A half an hour ago? GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Oh Paolo Szot. BUT PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN! THE GUY FROM GLEE PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN? GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN! Enter Kelli O'Hara. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Kelli, did you know that PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN? KELLI O'HARA KILLED WHO? GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY A MAN! Also, what are you doing here? KELLI O'HARA I'm in The Navy. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY Really? I didn't catch that. Well allow me to introduce you to That Guy From Glee. THE GUY FROM GLEE Oh, we've met before. KELLI O'HARA Yes, back during his Italian Accent Phase, he kissed me when I was mentally retarded. THE GUY FROM GLEE Did I mention I'm from a small University in New Jer-- KELLI O'HARA That joke's been around since the 40s? Sad. THE GUY FROM GLEE Forget you. You only fall in love with guys with foreign guys anyway. And Harry Connick, Jr. KELLI O'HARA I don't have time for this. I need to go take a shower while the rest of the cast cheers me on for doing so. GRATUITOUS MALE NUDITY-FILLED TRANSITION TO: SCENE: REMEMBER WHAT "BIKINIS" LOOKED LIKE IN THE 40'S? ALSO, EVERYONE WEARING BIKINIS IN THE SHOWER IN THE 40'S? KELLI O'HARA We spent too much time on the love plot, and then not enough on it. So now's about the time in a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical where I decide that I DON'T NEED LOVE! PERSONALITY-LESS RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN FEMALE CHORUS Yes, we have lots of opinions on other people's lovelives! Also, cleanliness rituals. (chanting) SHAMPOO, KELLI, SHAMPOO! Poor Kelli O'Hara is onstage in a 2 piece, and sings while soaking wet. But, at least it's not Dracula all over again. FRANK WILDHORN (should be shot) PAOLO SZOT (entering) Kelli? I am here unannounced! At the place where all the women shower! Just in case I was not, how you say, sketched enough? KELLI O'HARA Paolo, what are you doing here? I just shampoo'd my hair in a physical representation of my breaking up with you. PAOLO SZOT ??? KELLI O'HARA Usually women get haircuts. PAOLO SZOT I don't understand your American culture. But what I do understand is FREEDOM. KELLI O'HARA You do?!?!? Oh, then I *do* love you! PAOLO SZOT Of course I do. Freedom is WHY I KILLED A MAN! KELLI O'HARA Right. This again. PAOLO SZOT This MAN, everybody disliked him and he took over our town... it was all very vague, you see. I wanted everybody to stand up to him, but they walked away. Because he was STANDING BEHIND ME. KELLI O'HARA Literally? That sounds ridiculous. Can we maybe reenact this or something? PAOLO SZOT And he said to me, "I am going to kill you now." And I said, "No, I am going to kill you instead." And he said, "No you're not." And I said, "I so am". And he said "Over my dead body'. And I said, "That's the idea", which I thought was very clever. KELLI O'HARA Hooray! PAOLO SZOT And that is how I stole a man's very life force. Hey, is this a good segue into asking you to marry me? This REALLY HAPPENS. KELLI O'HARA Let's sing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING again! PAOLO SZOT All right, but after that I'm going to immediately leave so you can have a solo song. He does. Enter mindless idiotic R&H women. KELLI O'HARA (cartwheeling) Oh girls, you'd never guess--I'm in one of the worst Rodgers and Hammerstein love storylines EVER! Dance with me! They don't, because the Choreography budget went to a total of TWO SETS and a couple of bottles of Head & Shoulders. KELLI O'HARA (surprisingly not annoying audience) I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE AUDIENCE (surprisingly not annoyed) Aww. I want to take you home. PERSONALITY-LESS RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN FEMALE CHORUS Oh, to be a girl in a R&H musical, to do nothing but sing about how someone else is in and out and in and out of love. SCENE: PAOLO SZOT IS ASKED IF HE'LL HELP WITH SOME VAGUE WAR RELATED THING. PAOLO SZOT Why would I help you Westerners? I had to leave my country when I was twenty-two... THE GUY FROM GLEE Here it comes. PAOLO SZOT ...BECAUSE I KILLED A MAN! THE GUY FROM GLEE Like clockwork. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY I can understand why he doesn't want to go on a dangerous mission. He *does* have kids. PAOLO SZOT No, it is solely because I love Kelli O'Hara. THE GUY FROM GLEE But-- PAOLO SZOT (singing) SOME ENCHANTED EVENING. THE GUY FROM GLEE That doesn't even make sense in this scene. SCENE: THE FIRST OF *TWO* PARTY SCENES IN A SINGLE RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN MUSICAL. HOW THEIR WRITING HAD MATURED SINCE OKLAHOMA! KELLI O'HARA (wasted) That was a great party, Paolo. PAOLO SZOT (being sketchy/foreign) Have some more champagne. KELLI O'HARA You know what's... totes awesome....? That we, like, both get excited about exciting things! Like being in love! With love! We have so much in common, and so strong a foundation to build a solid marriage on! An actual reprise of "I'm In Love". Then an actual reprise of "This Is What I Need". Then an actual reprise of "Wash That Man". RICHARD RODGERS I CAN'T STOP I'M IN A REPRISING FRENZY! PAOLO SZOT If you are drunk enough, I now have a surprise for you. Enter those brown kids. ADORABLY CUTE HALF MELANISIAN CHILDREN (singing) NOUS POUVONS CHANTER LA MEME DAMN SONG DE SCENE ONE! KELLI O'HARA You have two children? PAOLO SZOT Yes. KELLI O'HARA Where is their mother? PAOLO SZOT Dead. KELLI O'HARA Did you kill her too? For being NOT WHITE? PAOLO SZOT No, I killed A MAN. Were you not paying attention? KELLI O'HARA Do you know that your kids have black eyes? As in they are NOT WHITE? COME ON PAOLO, YOU'RE FRENCH, ISN'T THAT FOREIGN ENOUGH? PAOLO SZOT Wait. So you are not mad at me at all for lying to you, by not telling you I had two children before we got engaged to be married? KELLI O'HARA BROWN KIDS, PAOLO! BROWN KIDS! PAOLO SZOT I never would have expected this from a young woman who grew up in the American South in the 1930s! KELLI O'HARA (stumbling out of plantation) If you will excuse me, I must get away from you and your not white children. As quickly as possible. And the only way to do so is to drive home drunk. PAOLO SZOT I'm really glad these brown kids don't understand English. (pause, sings) SOME ENCHANTED EVENING-- SCENE: MATTHEW MORRISON'S CHARACTER HAS NOTHING TO DO. THE GUY FROM GLEE Yawn. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE (peering in through blinds) I know what moves prot arong. Why not you have sex with my daughtel? YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE? THE GUY FROM GLEE Okay, as long as I get to TAKE MY SHIRT OFF! And FLEX! He sings a song. BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER (PG-kissing only) Look, you're singing an "a cappella" song with musical accompaniment, just like on Glee! BLACKOUT! LIGHTS BACK ON! BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER What was that? THE GUY FROM GLEE I think we just had sex. BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER In a 1940s musical? BLACKOUT! LIGHTS BACK ON! THE GUY FROM GLEE We did it again! BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON QUICK OR ELSE-- BLACKOUT! LIGHTS BACK ON! BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER Dammit! BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE (still peering in through the blinds) It's my daughter, so I like to watch. THE GUY FROM GLEE WHAT THE FUCK? SCENE: PARTY SCENE NUMBER 2. Danny Burstein comes out in coconut shells and a grass skirt. DANNY BURSTEIN SEE? THIS IS NOT OKLAHOMA! Whatever. PAOLO SZOT Danny Burstein, will you give Kelli O'Hara these flowers? DANNY BURSTEIN We're trying to do the show, please don't upset her. PAOLO SZOT But-- DANNY BURSTEIN No really Act 1 was longer than Jesus Christ Superstar. Please don't. Enter Kelli O'Hara. KELLI O'HARA I'm still not marrying you, Paolo. Just making that clear. Exit Kelli O' Hara. PAOLO SZOT (singing) SOME ENCHANTED EVEN-- Matthew Morrison runs in distraught for absolutely no reason. BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER Oh, Guy From Glee! They kiss over and over again, but Bloody Merry keeps interrupting them. Then she sings a song that makes you want to shove your eyes into an electric spice grinder. BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TALK HAPPY TALK HAPPY TALK HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TALK EVERYBODY DIE BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER I'm going to randomly do Tai Chi now! She does, because the Choreography budget was spent on... Well... Tai Chi lessons. THE GUY FROM GLEE BUT I HATE TAI CHI! He runs away, and bumps into Kelli O'Hara. THE GUY FROM GLEE Oh, I'm in love with that girl who doesn't speak English who I keep rejecting! KELLI O'HARA But don't you already have a fiancee back at home? THE GUY FROM GLEE She didn't put out. The foreign girl did. Hence the blackouts. KELLI O'HARA LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE! THE GUY FROM GLEE No, Kelli O' Hara, the extremely relevant and timely lessons of this musical are to follow your heart and to not be racist. KELLI O'HARA (runs off to go stereotype) Say it again, Bloody! BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE? THE GUY FROM GLEE We are trying to make this musical important, Kelli! ARGH! PAOLO SZOT Hey Glee Guy, you and I should make this musical important and relevant by going on a suicidal mission. THE GUY FROM GLEE But I thought-- PAOLO SZOT Since perky blonde nurse will not marry me, I now have nothing of value to lose, not even my two brown plot devices. THE GUY FROM GLEE Children? PAOLO SZOT Yes please. THE GUY FROM GLEE Then let's go. You are sad about Kelli, and my character makes no sense. SCENE: WAR ROOM. We get to watch the battle from the most exciting place to experience it-- IN A DARK ROOM WITH A RADIO! GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY God dammit, this is 2009 and we have TECHNOLOGY now. Can't we do SOMETHING more? DANNY BURSTEIN No. GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY You! I'm angry at you because you parachuted out of a plane and were a diversion against the Japanese and are the reason we'll win World War 2 or something? PAOLO SZOT (over Radio) Hello, you're listening to "Joe and The Frenchman" on KRNH, RACIST RADIO. Normally we'd have a little performance from The Guy From Glee right about now, but he just died, because it works best plot-wise if someone has a quiet offstage death. ... ... Can I sing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING again yet? SCENE: BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER WON'T MARRY ANYBODY BUT THAT GUY FROM GLEE. Yeah... that's a lot of people. SCENE: PAOLO SZOT IS FIGHTING IN WORLD WAR 2 NOW. KELLI O'HARA Wait did the entire Navy just ditch me? The Navy sings a reprise of a song about swiveling hips as they go off to war. KELLI O'HARA I guess that means I get to stay here in Paolo's household. ADORABLY CUTE HALF MELANISIAN CHILDREN LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! KELLI O'HARA Ugh. What the *hell* are you kids singing anyway? Enter Paolo Szot. PAOLO SZOT KELLI! KELLI O'HARA Oh Paolo, I knew you'd be back! PAOLO SZOT What are you doing on my luxurious island plantation!?! KELLI O'HARA I love you! PAOLO SZOT When last we met, I was off to war because you'd broken my heart! KELLI O'HARA Since then I changed my mind yet again! But because you were already at war, I figured I'd just stay here until/if you came back. PAOLO SZOT We're not even married. KELLI O'HARA We-- PAOLO SZOT Heck as far as I was aware of, we weren't even dating anymore. Then I go off to war where I could have *died*, to come back to find the woman who broke my heart lording over my land, servants, and THE KIDS THAT YOU HATE? KELLI O'HARA ...I think you're just a little stressed from the war. What do you say you watch me shampoo my hair again, and then you can sing Some Enchant-- Paolo Szot pulls out his Navy-issued gun and shoots Kelli O'Hara in cold blood. PAOLO SZOT Racist bitch. BLACKOUT. ]]>

Wishful Drinking: Abridged

2009-12-02T17:00:00Z

WISHFUL DRINKING ABRIDGED OR CARRIE FISHER RAN OUT OF MONEY From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives By Gil Varod SCENE: STUDIO 54 ...where Carrie Fisher probably once had sex-- CARRIE FISHER Now, I basically say that joke during my show. Right then. Go ahead. CARRIE FISHER Now, everybody, let's learn about how ridiculous my life is! AUDIENCE Do tell! We're fully willing to consume 30-year old gossip! CARRIE FISHER Now, my parents were Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, and they cheated on each other! AUDIENCE Hahahahahah! You are so funny! CARRIE FISHER Now, after that I was in Star Wars, and my head was a Pez Dispenser! AUDIENCE Hahah oh your head was a Pez Dispenser! CARRIE FISHER Now, then I married Paul Simon! Imagine having Paul Simon be the one to write songs about how bad a wife you were! AUDIENCE Ha... ha... CARRIE FISHER Now, after that I married a gay man, and I was bipolar, and it ruined me completely and I ended up in a nuthouse! AUDIENCE ... CARRIE FISHER Hysterical, right? Now, that wasn't the only time I was in a nuthouse! I also went through electroshock therapy and went to a mental institution and got addicted to prescription medication! Ha ha ha ha! MANIC DEPRESSION HA HA HA! AUDIENCE ...wait are you going to divulge what it was like to go through any of that? CARRIE FISHER (suddenly serious for 40 seconds) Now, being bipolar is terrible. AUDIENCE Oooh, if I've learned anything from Billy Crystal's "700 Sundays", halfway through is when a one-man show turns from hysterical to touching and soul-baring-- CARRIE FISHER No, that was it. HELP ME OBI WAN KENBI YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE! God I'm funny. AUDIENCE ...do I at least get some very important lesson to learn? CARRIE FISHER NOPE. NOW, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY! BLACKOUT. ALSO, CARRIE FISHER STEALS A JOKE FROM DAVE BARRY. ]]>

Hair: Abridged

2009-11-30T17:00:00Z

HAIR ABRIDGED OR NAKED HIPPIES NAKED THE MUSICAL NAKED! OR A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT MAKING "HAIR" COHERENT A "Broadway Abridged" Script By Gil Varod and Gina Guadagnino SCENE: CLOSING CAST PARTY OF THE 2008 "SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK" PRODUCTION OF "HAIR", WHICH (LITTLE KNOWN FACT) WASN'T WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE AT ALL. THE PUBLIC THEATER Our production of HAIR in the park had spirit, passion and competent actors. That rarely happens when we do ACTUAL SHAKESPEARE in the park. Must be Shakespeare's fault, because it certainly couldn't be us. DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS Shame we didn't charge for it. There has to be a way for us to wring a dollar out of these naked hippies, turning their free-spirited, patchuli-scented love-fest into a corporate juggarnaut. PRODUCERS JEFFREY RICHARDS, JERRY FRANKEL, GARY GOODARD, KATHLEEN JOHNSON, ALL 17 NEDERLANDERS, FRAN KIRMSER, JED BERNSTEIN, MARC FRANKEL, BARBARA MANOCHERIAN/ WENCLAIR, TERRY SHNUCK, ANDY SANDBERG [NOT THE SNL ONE, THAT'S ANDY SAMBERG], NORTON HERRICK, JOEY PARNES AND THE WEINSTEINS. YES, THOSE WEINSTEINS. Dollars? Naked? SCENE: THE AL HIRSCHFELD THEATRE, WHERE FREE LOVE RUNS ABOUT $100 A POP. Cast sings that one song you know. WILL SWENSON My character's name is "Berger". I'm going to make lots of PUNS about this and-- AUDIENCE WHY ARE THEY NOT NAKED YET. WILL SWENSON Wow, you guys really need to learn how to find Porn on the Internet or something. Okay, fine. (takes off pants) I know what you're thinking. "Oh dear, isn't that a cute one." My penis, that is. AUDIENCE WE CAN'T ACTUALLY SEE YOUR PENIS WHY ARE YOU TAUNTING US? WILL SWENSON I guess you'll have to wait until right before the intermission. Oh look, my mom is here tonight! Every night! How lucky you guys are to be here the night my Mom showed up. WILL SWENSON'S MOM (isn't Will Swenson's Mom) GAY HIPPIE I'm the Gay Hippie, except I'm not really admitting I'm gay. Because in a show with a multiracial naked cast, that would be controversial! (makes out with poster of Mick Jagger in straightest way possible) Also by the way, LOVE is very important. BLACK GUY I'm the black guy. OTHER BLACK GUYS We're black too! ALL BLACK GUYS LOOK AT HOW INTEGRATED OUR CAST IS! ISN'T THAT REVOLUTIONARY? AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE From way up here we can't tell. GAY HIPPIE Since the mezzanine is half-empty, let's perform the hit song from Hair, "The Song Where The People In The Rear Mezzanine Get Better Seats". AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE BUT NOW IN FRONT MEZZANINE HOORAY! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS! WILL SWENSON I hate school! Wah wah wah wah wah! TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT I am showing how institutional the American school system is by portraying a German principal who is named "Principal Poopypants." TAKE OUR VERY IMPORTANT HIPPIE MESSAGE SERIOUSLY! ALSO, LOVE! WILL SWENSON I must be a high school student; you can tell because I have two o' clock shadow. TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT Will Swenson, you are expelled from Doodyface Academy. WILL SWENSON (lathering his face for a nice close shave) For being old enough to immediately go to jail were I to date my classmates? TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT No, for being subversive. WILL SWENSON (while renting a car without paying a surcharge) If I'm so subversive, why should I go to high school anyway? TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT Because if you don't go to High School, you have to go to `NAM! WILL SWENSON I live on the street. How the hell were they going to mail me a draft card in the first place? TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS NAZI ACCENT Um... WILL SWENSON Then I didn't need to go to High School at ALL. Forget this! This isn't IMPORTANT! This isn't LOVE! Enter Claude. JONATHAN GROFF My name is Claude, and I'm from Manchester Eng-- GAVIN CREEL Honey, you forgot. I'm playing the part of Claude now! *You* played the part in the Park, silly! JONATHAN GROFF Whoopsie, I forgot! Okay Gavy-poo. They kiss a hot Claude-on-Claude kiss. JONATHAN GROFF Gav-gav, when are they announcing the replacement cast for when you guys go to London? GAVIN CREEL Any day now. Why, SugarGroff? JONATHAN GROFF Let me know when you find out who's playing Claude. We can invite him over to... um... "watch Glee with us". (wink) GAVIN CREEL (in a horrible British accent) My character's name is Claude! And I'm from Manchester, England! WILL SWENSON Why Manchester England? GAVIN CREEL Because that's where the Beatles are from! WILL SWENSON That's... Also you're from Flushing. GAVIN CREEL Um... bullocks? Or no bullocks? Hey which one is it? Enter Gavin Creel's parents as imagined by hippies playing dressup with Mommy and Daddy's clothing. GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS Get a job and join the Army! GAVIN CREEL Those are two entirely different things. GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS We are stereotypical parents from Queens and we are ashamed of your long hair and very stylish jeans. GAVIN CREEL I'm going to RIP UP MY DRAFT LETTER! He does! ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE WHO IS UNDER THE AGE OF 35 Meh. SIX PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE (clapping wildly) Whooo! FUN GAME: Can you guess how many old hippies are in the audience tonight? GAVIN CREEL Love love love. Hey, let's sing about body parts! Cast of Hair runs out into the audience to interact with/frighten them. CAST OF HAIR (singing) I'VE GOT MY EYES I'VE GOT MY NOSE I'VE GOT MY MOUTH I'VE GOT MY HANDS I'VE GOT MY SPHINCTER I'VE GOT MY ESOPHAGUS I'VE GOT MY LARGE INTESTINE I'VE GOT MY SMALL INTESTINE I'VE GOT MY COLON I'VE GOT MY MEDULLA OBLONGATA I'VE GOT MY CUSPIDS I'VE GOT MY MOLARS I'VE GOT MY INCISORS I'VE GOT MY CANINES I'VE GOT MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED BUT THEY USED TO BE THERE. FUN GAME: What skill do you need in order to be a Hair Castmember? Is it: A) Be able to sing 8 times a week? B) Have some idea of how to remove your clothes (or how to have a fellow cast member do it for you)? C) Be comfortable touching random strangers in ways you wouldn't even consider doing to your closest friend if "being in character" wasn't a suitable excuse? D) All of the above. FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON [ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY MEN] We're on our honeymoon! TWELVE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE (clap) We are applauding for you even though it's clear you are not real people! FUN GAME: Guess how many people in the audience did a hit in the bathroom just before the show? FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON [ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY MEN] Sing the title song already! They do, while running out to interact with the audience once again. TOKEN ASIAN GIRL I am running my fingers through 40% of the audience's hair! STEEL "STEEL" BURKHARDT It is fun to molest the scalp of strangers! Also my name is actually Steel! Isn't that awesome? THE INCOMPARABLE MEGAN "REDHEAD" REINKING Headlice has spread quite a lot in NYC since March 2009! I wonder why! COSTUME DESIGNER MICHAEL MCDONALD Oh... but I built a Purell pouch into everybody's clothes... Enter an NYU student. CAISSIE LEVY They call me Democracy's Daughter because I care about THINGS! WILL SWENSON (kiss kiss) Hello, love! CAISSIE LEVY (kiss kiss) THINGS, like being a college student dating a "high school student". WILL SWENSON That's okay, I got expelled. CAISSIE LEVY (it's nice to hear that hippies nag too) Tsk. As a hippie myself, I had plans for you Will Swenson! Plans that involved you growing up and being responsible and getting a job, and growing up into the 80s, and wearing a Member's Only jacket, and taking me to the multiplex in your Iroc. WILL SWENSON My what? CAISSIE LEVY Your Iroc. It was a car that was popular in the 1980s! Is! No, will be! Damn, when are you going to Grow Up And Be A Hippie? GAVIN CREEL Oh Caissie, *I'll* grow up and be... Wait what? WILL SWENSON My best friend is in love with my girlfriend. I guess by default, that means that we should have hot three way action? CAISSIE LEVY It's called a "love triangle". Jackass. AUDIENCE (clapping) We understand this plot point! PREGNANT CHICK Everybody got that? See, Gavin Creel is in love with Caissie Levy, and Caissie Levy is in love with Will Swenson, and Will Swenson is in love with both of them. But: I'm in love with Gavin Creel! Love triangles are for squares--this is a love quadrangle! GEOMETRY TEACHERS (heads explode) AUDIENCE Oh, your pregnancy's relevant to the plot because the baby's father is Gavin Cr-- PREGNANT CHICK No, it's not his at all. It's an unnamed speed freak's. And we will never bring him up again. AUDIENCE Plot... Relevant... Nevermind. CAISSIE LEVY Will Swenson: I just came back from being tear-gassed, and all I brought you was this stupid T-Shirt. WILL SWENSON I'M GONNA RIP IT! He does. CAISSIE LEVY Why'd you do that? WILL SWENSON Because I'm an immature hippie. Wait, is that really the message we're trying to convey? CAISSIE LEVY Then I'm gonna sing a song about it! She does. THAT GIRL FROM ALL THE POSTERS I'm going to sing a song about waiting for some guy in front of the Waverly, which is probably an NYU Dorm today. She does. Audience gets antsy. AUDIENCE We were promised nudity. We have no idea what's going on anymore but we distinctly remember being promised nudity. BLACK GUY Lucky for you, that's what we do at be-ins! GAY HIPPIE What's a be-in? BLACK GUY How should I know, I was born in `83. Everybody burns their draft cards. PREGNANT CHICK Gavin, why aren't you burning *your* draft card? GAVIN CREEL Because I tore it up in front of my parents, remember? PREGNANT CHICK No, that was your draft *letter*, this is your draft *card*. There's a difference. GAVIN CREEL Oh. I guess I don't have a good reason then. Hey, Rest Of Cast, why are you suddenly naked? REST OF CAST We don't have a reason either. DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS Because the audience was promised nudity. Dimly, dimly lit nudity. SCENE: ACTUALLY OVERHEARD IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM: LATE 20S THEATREGOER Why are there so many 14 year olds dressed like hippies at this show? HER FRIEND I guess they're just really into the show. LATE 20S THEATREGOER Whatever. I was into "Beauty and the Beast" at that age, but I didn't go to the show in a yellow ballgown. SCENE: SOMEPLACE WITH A GIANT PROJECTION OF THE MOON THAT WILL BE REFERRED TO OVER AND OVER AND OVER. The cast sings a song about how girls like boys of the "opposite race". No, not like. *Love*. WHITE GIRLS We are very much into black boys! BLACK GIRLS Except why would black girls be into white boys? More audience interaction: a small blonde girl tickles your leg waving "hi" like she knows you or something. Wait a second is she even in the cast? WILL SWENSON Look at the giant projected moon! Let's get high! PREGNANT CHICK I will suck in this doobie so deeply that my fetus will be able to touch the sky! AUDIENCE We find this much more shocking than our promised nudity. WILL SWENSON (somehow not a dick joke) Gavin Creel, I made a special joint for you to suck. GAVIN CREEL Oh, I'm so depressed about having to go to Vietnam that I'm going to get high to feel better. Suddenly he goes skydiving. GAVIN CREEL So much more fun when you're high! He sees famous people. ARETHRA FRANKLIN (sings R-E-S-P-E-C-T, just to placate the audience) GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS, LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, GENERAL CUSTARD, THE DALAI LLAMA AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN We are all famous people, and we are all dead. If you go to Vietnam, you'll be dead too. ARETHRA FRANKLIN Wait, what? GAVIN CREEL Even if I put this flower in this gun? Like every fucking poster you've ever seen from the 60s? GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS, LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, GENERAL CUSTARD, THE DALAI LLAMA AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN Yes, even then. GAVIN CREEL Even if George W. Bush is no longer in office, thus making the political parallels we've drawn between this era and the Iraqi war meaningless? GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS, LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, GENERAL CUSTARD, THE DALAI LLAMA AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN Yes, even then. GAVIN CREEL In that case.. (wakes up) Wow, that was a bad trip. AUDIENCE No shit. Entire cast runs around the theater once again, finally proving that they didn't really need the stage at all in the first place. GAVIN CREEL Hey Caissie Levy, look at how well I can sing music that flows with Shakespeare's lyrics as unnaturally as possible! So will you marry me? CAISSIE LEVY That's not going to save you. But maybe if we all say "yip" really hard, we can... um... conjure up the Sesame Street aliens and they'll end the war? WILL SWENSON I'll never have to go to war! I'm going to India! I'm going to stay young and high forever! "Berger", by the way is now a middle- aged chiropractor in Fort Lauderdale. OTHER HIPPIES That's right! We're going to stay young and liberal forever! And found Ben and Jerry's and the Whole Foods Corporation and Organic Disco and battle erectile dysfunction and vote for Proposition 8 and never legalize marijuana. Oh wait a minute we failed at everything. GAVIN CREEL That sounds terrible. I'd rather just go die on that flag. He DOES. REST OF CAST Now that dummyhead Gavin Creel's out of the way, everybody come up onstage and dance with us! Lights get very bright. REST OF CAST ... ... ... Hey why is nobody onstage dancing with us? MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE You want that I should walk up these stairs without a handrail? Feh. Hippies in cast put handrails on side of stairs to stage so Hippies in audience can meet them. Hippies in audience dance. Then they take off all their clothes. CAST OF HAIR What the fuck do you think you're doing? MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE WE WERE PROMISED NUDITY. BLACKOUT. ]]>