110 IN THE BROTHEL
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
and Megan Avery
SCENE: MANY YEARS AGO.
LYRICIST TOM JONES
Remember when we wrote the Fantasticks?
COMPOSER HARVEY SCHMIDT
Yes.
LYRICIST TOM JONES
Remember when it had act one take place at night and act two
take place in the day?
COMPOSER HARVEY SCHMIDT
Yes.
LYRICIST TOM JONES
Wanna do something really RADICAL?
SARCASM-INFUSED TRANSITION TO...
SCENE: ACT ONE, WHICH TAKES PLACE IN THE *DAY*.
CHORUS
(singing)
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
IT'S HOT
DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
Boy... I don't think they're going to understand that this is
Texas, and that the temperature is really HOT.
Enter a SUN that is as large as the
REAL SUN.
DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
Much better. Sing, people!
CHORUS
IT'S STILL HOT
IT DIDN'T CHANGE
IT'S STILL TOO WARM OUTSIDE
SHAME THEY HAVEN'T INVENTED AIR CONDITIONING YET
THIS MUSICAL...
TAKES PLACE...
BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!!!!!
SCENE: CHEAP HOUSE FACADE
JOHN CULLUM
My daughter, AUDRA MCDONALD is coming!
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
Audra McDonald is coming!
BROTHER #2
Audra McDonald is coming!
JOHN CULLUM
This is no place for a four-time-Tony-winner! We gotta clean
up.
They DO.
They also sing about it. La la la.
It's been ten minutes and we still
haven't seen a single sign of Audr--
Wait there she is! YAAY!
AUDRA MCDONALD
Oh my family, it's good to...
Audra McDonald pauses.
She realizes her "family" is three
white guys.
AUDRA MCDONALD
Oh boy this is awkward.
AUDIENCE
Very.
BROTHER #2
(White)
Pa, I thought you said my sister's coming.
JOHN CULLUM
Shut up, you. Just for that, we're replacing you.
BROTHER #2
(being dragged away by DIRECTOR
LONNY PRICE)
What? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
BALDING AFRICAN
AMERICAN BROTHER
(replacing)
Sorry about that, white father and white brother and African
American sister.
AUDIENCE
(seeing the two-black-two-white
family)
Curious. I suddenly feel at ease.
SCENE: SHERRIF'S OFFICE.
Enter JOHN CULLUM and his OREO BOYS.
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
What can I do for you, JOHN CULLUM?
JOHN CULLUM
(to YOUNGER BROTHER)
Now go ahead, get your sister laid like I taught you.
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
Hey sheriff, want to go to out for a drink?
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
No I don't want to screw your sister.
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
Wanna go play poker?
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
No I don't want to screw your sister.
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
How about to a picnic?
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
No I don't want to screw your sister.
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
Asshole.
(smacks Sheriff)
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
(smacks Younger Brother, who
has a black eye for like the
entire show)
JOHN CULLUM
Good idea.
(also smacks)
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
What was *that* one for?
JOHN CULLUM
Pre-emptive. You're gonna break out into about seven too
many cheesy cutesy songs during this musical. I wanted to
make you think twice before doing so.
ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
YOUNGER BROTHER
Noted.
JOHN CULLUM
(to Sheriff)
So seriously, what can I do to get you in bed with my
daughter today?
SCENE: A PICNIC, BUT NOT THE ONE IN OKLAHOMA OR STATE FAIR OR
PAJAMA GAME OR SHOWBOAT... CUZ THIS ONE INCLUDES A
*BIG FRICKIN' SUN*!
WOMEN
(singing)
GOTTA MAKE SURE THAT THE MEN HAVE FOOD
OR ELSE THEY'LL BE IN A REAL BAD MOOD
GOTTA MAKE SURE THAT THE MEN HAVE FOOD
THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM BABIES!
AUDRA MCDONALD
Hello, my multi-cultural family!
JOHN CULLUM
Hello, AUDRA MCDONALD!
Audience cheers, `cause she's AUDRA
MCDONALD!
AUDRA MCDONALD
Where's the Sheriff, who I may or may not be interested in?
JOHN CULLUM
Sorry, he ain't coming. Don't worry. I'll find someone else
to take yer virginity.
AUDRA MCDONALD
WHAT?
JOHN CULLUM
(takes off cowboy hat,
puts on pimp hat)
I love being a father.
Enter third part of love triangle.
MOCHA-LATTE
Hi there! I'm an unfortunately-named character who comes to
town to turn it on its HEAD! Like Harold Hill, but CRAPPIER!
Now in case you forgot, there's a drought and it's HOT.
(to John Cullum)
I can make it rain for a hundred dollars!
JOHN CULLUM
Yeah, not interested.
(slips a crisp Benjamin into
Mocha-Latte's trousers)
MOCHA-LATTE
What's this for?
JOHN CULLUM
Spending fifteen minutes secluded with my daughter.
MOCHA-LATTE
But I haven't spent fifteen minutes secluded with your
daughter.
JOHN CULLUM
Not yet you haven't.
(does a really, really creepy
wink)
SCENE: MORE OF THAT STUPID, STUPID GIANT SUN.
AUDRA MCDONALD
Papa, am I plain?
JOHN CULLUM
No.
BALDING AFRICAN
AMERICAN BROTHER
(disagreeing)
Yes.
AUDRA MCDONALD
(four-time-Tony-award crying)
NOOOOOOOOO!
BALDING AFRICAN
AMERICAN BROTHER
Jesus, you're Audra McDonald. All you gotta do is not put
your hair in a bun like that.
AUDRA MCDONALD
Oh.
SCENE: ACT TWO OF THE FANTASTICKS 110 IN THE SHADE, WHICH
TAKES PLACE IN THE DAY NIGHT.
DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
(winking)
But how do we KNOW it's night?
He flips a switch and the lighting on
the giant circle turns blue.
DIRECTOR LONNY PRICE
Yes, THAT'S how we know!
Oh yeah, oh yeah..
(does LONNY PRICE
VICTORY DANCE)
SCENE: THE WOODS, BUT NOT THE ONE IN "A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S
DREAM" OR "INTO THE WOODS"... THIS ONE INCLUDES A *BIG
FRICKIN' MOON*!
CHORUS
(singing)
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT
WE'RE GETTING LAID CAUSE IT'S NIGHT...
AUDRA MCDONALD
AND I'M NOT!
JOHN CULLUM
(winking even more sketchily)
Why don't you go give this blanket to Mocha-Latte, who's
sleeping in the woods tonight?
AUDRA MCDONALD
Okay.
JOHN CULLUM
And also, you'll notice, the blanket is VERY comfortable.
AUDRA MCDONALD
Yeah.
JOHN CULLUM
Like, to sleep in.
AUDRA MCDONALD
Yeah.
JOHN CULLUM
With another man. A man named after a beverage.
AUDRA MCDONALD
What?
JOHN CULLUM
While nude.
SCENE: DEEPER IN THE WOODS.
MOCHA-LATTE
Audra McDonald, you're plain.
AUDRA MCDONALD
(lets hair down)
MOCHA-LATTE
Oh.
SCENE: NAKED.
AUDRA MCDONALD
(smokin' a ciggy)
You mean I've been going my entire life being a shrew, and
that kept me from FUCKING? Wow. Fucking is GOOD!
MOCHA-LATTE
Oh Audra McDonald, I'm a fraud. I keep going from town to
town saying I can make it rain, and I can't. But I'm tryin'
ever so hard!
AUDRA MCDONALD
You're not a fraud, you're just trying to do something nice
for people. See, you're a sympathetic character after all!
MOCHA-LATTE
But I tell people I can make it rain, then take their money,
then I run away and--
AUDRA MCDONALD
SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER.
MOCHA-LATTE
(counting pile of money)
As you wish.
THE MONEY HE STOLE
(anthropomorphically)
Yes, now since you've "redeemed" yourself by having naked
time with the very attractive Audra McDonald, you'll redeem
yourself even more by returning me to the people you scammed!
MOCHA-LATTE
(shifty-eyes)
Uh... Returning the money... Sure... I'm definitely going to--
Enter BORING SHERIFF.
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
Mocha-Latte, you're under arrest for being a con-artist!
MOCHA-LATTE
(to Audra)
Well, I guess I can't return this money because I have to RUN
AWAY!
AUDRA MCDONALD
What?
MOCHA-LATTE
Run away WITH me!
BORING SHERIFF CHARACTER
No, stay here and marry me! I wouldn't fuck her before, but
I just realized that when Audra McDonald takes down her hair,
she looks GREAT!
MOCHA-LATTE
No, run away with me!
AUDRA MCDONALD
Oh Papa, who should I marry?
JOHN CULLUM
Why get married? Why not sleep with both of them?
AUDRA MCDONALD
What?
JOHN CULLUM
The more I can get my daughter laid, the better.
It begins to rain. Perfect for...
A GIANT BROADWAY MUSICAL ORGY!
Thanks, Roundabout, for
another quality production!
BLACKOUT.
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