THE AUDIENCE ABRIDGED
From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: 42 CHAIRS IN A BROADWAY THEATRE, BUT ACTUALLY IN A OFF
BROADWAY THEATRE... YOU SEE, THE REAL AUDIENCE IS IN AN OFF
BROADWAY THEATRE, BUT ONSTAGE IS AN AUDIENCE FROM A BROADWAY
THEATRE... FORGET IT.
A bunch of people enter and sit down.
MANY CHARACTERS THAT
DON'T SING
Look! I have an irrelevant comment to make!
LITTLE KID
I will sing a song about being a little kid!
USHER
I will sing a song about watching the actors onstage!
BLACK GUY
Lemme sing a song about being black, with references to Bill
Cosby as if he was the ONLY FRICKING BLACK PERSON EVER.
SOME GIRL
I will sing a song about my father having inappropriately
touched me, but not let on as to what I'm referring so you
have absolutely NO idea what I'm talking about!
Couples enter.
FIRST COUPLE
Let's leave the theatre and have sex even though NOBODY
CARES!
SECOND COUPLE
Let's leave this play because we've just decided we're
SOULMATES!
TWO SETS OF GAY COUPLES
Can you say STEREOTYPE? CAN YOU?
OLD JEWISH PEOPLE
Yes, yes we can!
Enter people whose silly plots have to
do with dead people.
ONE GUY
I have bought extra seats for dead parents, who I pretend are
with me!
BROTHER AND SISTER
We will spend the entire show whispering about our dead Mom!
ANOTHER WOMAN
I brought my dead husband's urn to watch the show!
ONE GUY AND
BROTHER AND SISTER
Nope, yours is the lamest subplot. You win.
Enter the guy who has "written" the
"show" that this "audience" is
"watching".
AUTHOR OF THE "PLAY"
Oh, I am so sad.
USHER
How come?
AUTHOR OF THE "PLAY"
The critics said that my play is so messed up!
USHER
In what way?
AUTHOR OF THE "PLAY"
Because it has no coherent plot or togetherness and relies
entirely on gimmicks.
USHER
Hmm. I wonder what that's like...
BLACKOUT.
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