AUGUST, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, DECEMBER, JANUARY,
FEBRUARY, MARCH, (ARE WE STILL SITTING IN THIS THEATRE?)
APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY
From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE IMPERIAL THEATRE
Where a HOUSE has been built, doing
that age-old thing where the HOUSE is a
CHARACTER in of ITSELF! Woot.
FATHER WHO WILL BE DEAD
BY THE NEXT SCENE
Native American Housekeeper?
NATIVE AMERICAN HOUSEKEEPER
Yes?
FATHER WHO WILL BE DEAD
BY THE NEXT SCENE
I'd like to hire you.
NATIVE AMERICAN HOUSEKEEPER
What job will I have?
FATHER WHO WILL BE DEAD
BY THE NEXT SCENE
To not have as many lines as I do.
NATIVE AMERICAN HOUSEKEEPER
But don't you die bef--
SCENE: FIVE DAYS LATER.
Don't worry if it takes fifteen minutes
until you figure that out. We've got
all night!
MOTHER
Everybody into the family room! My husband, FATHER, has
disappeared!
BLONDE DAUGHTER
(who is 40)
Oh no!
REDHEAD DAUGHTER
(who is 40)
Oh no!
BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
(who is 40 like her sisters,
but looks like she's 22 from
the mezzanine)
Oh no!
14 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER OF BLONDE
Oh no!
(smokes pot)
Enter a Sheriff, just to round out the
cast to an even THIRTEEN.
SHERIFF CHARACTER
(leaving his digits with
BLONDE)
Wait, it turns out he drowned!
HUSBAND OF BLONDE
Oh no!... by the way, I'm sleeping with my student!
FIANCEE OF REDHEAD
Oh no!... by the way, I want to fondle the 14-year old.
FIRST COUSIN
Oh no!... by the way, I want to marry my cousin, the
brunette.
AUNT
Let's all sit down to dinner!
They DO.
MOTHER
(anecdote-ing)
Father wrote some POEMS once, which is NOT INCREDIBLY
NECESSARY TO KNOW!
EVERYBODY
Talk talk talk talk talk!
They talk and have a dinner long enough
to ACTUALLY BE AS LONG AS A NORMAL
DINNER!
14 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER OF BLONDE
I am so glad I'm not at the grownups table.
MOTHER
I am old and ranting! It may be because I take every pill
that Playwright Tracy Letts could find listed on Wikipedia,
or it may be because as a child I was beaten in the head with
hammers! Either way it's HORRIBLY TERRIBLE!
(points at daughters, suddenly
stark-raving)
I AM RESENTFUL THAT YOU ALL GOT MARRIED OR DIDN'T GET MARRIED
OR ARE GOING TO END UP DIVORCED,
AND I LIKE RUINING MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL DINNER!
BLONDE DAUGHTER
I'm going to choke you, Mom!
She DOES.
AUNT
Everybody calm down! Also, Son, I find you to be SUBPAR.
FIRST COUSIN
Wah.
UNCLE
(to Aunt)
Wife, now that our son is in his LATE THIRTIES, it is
apparently the PERFECT time for me to tell you that you
should NOT TREAT HIM SO BADLY!
FIRST COUSIN
Wah.
BLONDE DAUGHTER
I'm bored. Let's have sister bonding time!
REDHEAD DAUGHTER
Yes, let's! Brunette sister, who we barely got to know while
growing up, are you dating FIRST COUSIN?
BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
How did you know?
REDHEAD DAUGHTER
Let's go with "inner sisterly feelings".
BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
I thought you barely got to know me.
BLONDE DAUGHTER
The play is half over! Can I be the main character now?
REDHEAD DAUGHTER
Sure!
BLONDE DAUGHTER
Sweet!
14 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER OF BLONDE
(to Blonde)
Mom, thanks for causing me to be a 14 year old who smokes pot
and wants to have sex with Redhead's fiancee!
REDHEAD DAUGHTER
(to Blonde)
Thanks for having a 14-year-old daughter that tempted my
fiancee while high!
HUSBAND OF BLONDE
(to Blonde)
Thanks for doing whatever vague thing it was that caused me
to DIVORCE you!
BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
(to Blonde)
Thanks for idiotically not telling me some VERY IMPORTANT
INFORMATION I SHOULD KNOW about First Cousin!
SHERIFF CHARACTER
(to Blonde)
Thanks for kissing me in Act 3!
MOTHER
By the way, there is more screwed-up information about both
my husband's death and First Cousin's background that I feel
like THE VERY END OF THE PLAY is the best time to release!
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
Yaayyy for twist endings that come out of nowhere!
And yaay for three and a half hour shows!
AUDIENCE
Um... why couldn't it have been cut down to two hours?
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
Too much important information to deal with that the audience
couldn't bear to not get!
AUDIENCE
Which you couldn't have done in two hours.
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
Nope.
AUDIENCE
Do you know how long it would take to read an abridged
version of it?
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
Maybe three hours fifteen minutes?
AUDIENCE
Five and a half minutes.
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
But it wouldn't hit every one of the 30 plotlines--
AUDIENCE
It sorta would.
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
I don't care! I WROTE A PLAY ABOUT THE GRAND AMERICAN OR
OKLAHOMAN TRADITION OF HAVING A SCREWED UP FAMILY!
PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE
Hoorah! EVERYBODY who writes about dysfunctional American
families WINS!
(gives prize)
PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
Yaaayyyy!
(takes prize)
Big dysfunctional American family
party!
BLACKOUT.
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