FIERSTEIN ON THE ROOF:
A Harvey Fierstein in Fiddler "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE MINKSOFF THEATRE, WHICH FOR SOME REASON DOESN'T
BELIEVE THAT HAVING AISLES IN THE MEZZANINE IS A WORTHWHILE
CONCEPT.
Enter Harvey Fierstein in a Hairspray
dress and a Tevye beard.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
There. The cliché joke was made. Are you happy?
Harvey Fierstein walks off, annoyed and
rambling about who knows what.
SCENE: ANATEVKA
THE ENTIRE CAST
(singing)
Tradition! Tradition!
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
(raspily)
Tradition!
Why without our tradition, we'd be as shaky as... as...
HARVEY FIERSTEIN'S VOICE
As me! For the first three scenes until you've gotten used
to me, it will be JARRING how raspy I am!
SCENE: A VERY BEAUTIFUL ENVIRONMENT INHABITED BY POOR PEOPLE
Enter Nancy Opel.
NANCY OPEL
[AS YENTE THE MATCHMAKER]
Andrea Martin, come quick, Lazar Wolf wants to marry your
daughter!
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
Which one?
NANCY OPEL
[AS YENTE THE MATCHMAKER]
The oldest one.
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
The oldest one? You mean Tzeitel, right?
NANCY OPEL
[AS YENTE THE MATCHMAKER]
(entirely unfunnily)
Right of course right.
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
Okay, I want to make sure we're entirely clear on this.
Because at the moment, my oldest daughter is being played by
somebody much shorter than my second oldest daughter, which
makes it confusing as to who is older than who. So you want
the FIRST-OLDEST, i.e. the SECOND-TALLEST, right?
NANCY OPEL
[AS YENTE THE MATCHMAKER]
(playing the character with
absolutely no humor at all)
Right of course right.
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
...Jesus, you were in this show for over a year and you still
haven't figured out how the hell to get laughs?
They exit.
Enter THREE OLDEST DAUGHTERS.
TWO DAUGHTERS
We want to get married really bad!
They wash each others breasts and begin
to mimic an Herbal Essences commercial.
OLDEST DAUGHTER
Are you sure you want to get married? Imagine what Yente
will bring!
(dresses up like Yente the
Matchmaker)
Lookame! Can you guess who I'm doing an impression of?
TWO DAUGHTERS
Nope. No clue.
AUDIENCE
Me neither.
OLDEST DAUGHTER
It's an impression of Yente! Isn't it funny?
TWO DAUGHTERS
It's hard to tell that you're making fun of Yente when she
doesn't play a character that is imitate-able.
NANCY OPEL
[AS YENTE THE MATCHMAKER]
Rightofcourserightrightofcourserightrightofcourseri--
ORIGINAL YENTE BEA ARTHUR
(smacks Nancy Opel upside the
head)
God dammit, it's not that hard a fricking role!
SCENE: AUTUMN (ANATEVKA APPARENTLY IS ALWAYS AUTUMN)
Enter Harvey Fierstein.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Dear God, you made many many raspy people. I realize of
course, that Zero Mostel wasn't the greatest singer...
(pause)
But that doesn't make anybody want to do a re-release of the
cast album with *my voice* laid over it like they did with
Brooke Shields. So what would it mean if my voice... if...
(sings)
IF MY VOICE WERE RICHER,
A BIDDY BIDDY BIDDY BUM...
He continues to sing, making the "biddy
biddy bums" *not* seem awkward, and
seeming entirely convincing as he
builds natural transitions from one
verse to the next.
Audience is won over.
PREVIOUS TEVYE ALFRED MOLINA
Transitions... making the "biddy biddy bums" not seem so
awkward... why couldn't I have thought of that?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Because I didn't direct it in.
PREVIOUS TEVYE ALFRED MOLINA
Ah... That's right.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Wait a minute... You didn't direct any transitions with *me*
and I still put them in.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
What do you know? You're just an actor!
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
A Tony Award-winning actor.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
So what? That doesn't mean you know anything about scene
structure!
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
And a Tony winning playwright.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Yeah, but that... Oh.
(shuts up)
SCENE: SHABBAT DINNER
Enter five daughters and JOHN CARIANI
[as Motel].
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Perchik, come meet my family.
(Points to daughters)
This is mine, this is mine, this is mine, this is mine, and
this is mine. And *this*...
(Points to Motel, aside to
audience)
Now watch this, to make this line even *funnier*, I'm going
to do the Harvey Fierstein signature "make my voice suddenly
drop down three octaves" thing that I'm known for.
(boomingly:)
THIS IS NOT MINE!
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
Was that really necessary? You already have the audience in
the palm of your hand after "Rich Man"; you don't have to
work so hard.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
At least I'm making my part more interesting! It's not like
*you're* playing Golde particularly memorably!
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
But is that because I'm not playing it memorably, or is it
because I'd have to compete with you?
HARVEY FIERSTEIN AND
ANDREA MARTIN
Hmm.
SCENE: OUTDOORS
JOHN CARIANI [AS MOTEL]
Tevye, I want to marry your daughter!
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
No. You're a poor tailor.
JOHN CARIANI [AS MOTEL]
But even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!
In shock that he spoke his mind, he
jerks his body around for ten seconds,
looking back and forth between Tevye
and Tzeitel as if freaking out.
Audience laughs at this unique
performance.
JOHN CARIANI [AS MOTEL]
Wow, they're laughing when I act like I'm a Jew on Heroin. I
should keep doing it!
He continues this for about three
minutes longer than he used to at the
beginning of the run.
JOHN CARIANI [AS MOTEL]
(singing)
WONDER OF WONDER, MIRACLES OF MIRACLES!
He now gratingly jump around all
throughout the song. Audience gets
seasick.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Somebody's gotta get that boy to calm down after his second
scene.
ANDREA MARTIN [AS GOLDE]
Somebody's gotta direct you to keep your wrist motions
looking a tad less gay. Because you've toned down everything
else gay; all you'd need to fix your wrists is some good
direction.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Hmm... yeah I guess you would.
SCENE: INTERMISSION
AUDIENCE
Boy, Act One was funny, and Harvey Fierstein does a great job
at being the center of attention. I am enjoying this!
NEW YORK TIMES THEATRE
CRITIC BEN BRANTLEY
But Tevye must to some degree be an everyman! And Harvey
Fierstein shakes off any semblance of ordinariness as soon as
he opens his mouth. Fiddler has gone from having too little
of a personality at its center to having too much of one.
ORIGINAL TEVYE
ZERO MOSTEL
(rising from grave)
He has "too much" of a personality? Have you *heard* of me?
I not only played the part larger-than life, but I had the
entire show centered around me! AND,
(puts finger up in air to
stress point)
I won a Tony for it! AND that production ran for eight
years! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
NEW YORK TIMES THEATRE
CRITIC BEN BRANTLEY
Please... Don't hurt me... I'm just a poor lonely man...
(huddles into corner)
SCENE: ACT TWO
CHAVAH
I am marrying a non-Jew.
Every other song that Harvey Fierstein
has sung has actually been within his
voice range *and* in the correct notes.
For some absurd reason, he now sings
this next song gratingly off-key.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
(singing)
CHAVELEH, CHAVELEH
AUDIENCE'S EARS
(bleeding)
AAAAAGH!
The SADNESS continues to PILE UP:
CHAVAH
And so goodbye forever.
HODEL
I am leaving to see my fiancee in Sibera.
CONSTABLE
You Jews must leave Anatevka.
LAZAR WOLF
I died of a heart attack.
THE FIDDLER
I'm dressed a bit too much like Carlos Santana.
Audience weeps.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Wait a minute. They're responding more in the sad scenes
than they did when Molina was in it. Nothing has changed at
all about the sad scenes! Why are they crying more?
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
See if you make the first half *funnier*, then there's a
contrast between acts one and two. This makes the solemn
scenes *more* solemn because the downward spiral of their
lives is greater.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
But that's not the British way! Bah!
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Oh screw you. Now I'm directing this show.
David Leveaux is deported back to
Britain.
And hell, can we ship Brantley there
too?
BLACKOUT.
|
