HURLY BURLY ABRIDGED
From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE 80S. WITH VERY 80S WALLPAPER AND 80S
PARAPHERNALIA. JUST IN CASE IT WASN'T FRICKING CLEAR ENOUGH
FOR YOU.
Ethan Hawke lies on couch with ass
crack showing.
ETHAN HAWKE'S ASS CRACK
Maybe at least half of you will be able to feel like you got
your money's worth if STARE AT ME!
GUY WITH MUSTACHE
Hey Ethan. I'm your roommate who will be at-first-possibly
gay-but-later-on-definitely-not!
ETHAN HAWKE
I'm confused. Cause I'm on lots of drugs.
(looks at audience)
I AM VERY DEFINITELY ON LOTS OF DRUGS! SEE? I AM ON DRUGS!
ASSHOLE GUY
(entering)
HEY! I had a DIVORCE or something or rather. It's
irrelevant. What you need to know is that I get ANGRY at
people all play long! I wonder if this'll come back to get
me by the end of the play?
ETHAN HAWKE
For some reason Jerk Guy, you're my friend. Let's smoke weed
for like an hour.
They DO.
GUY WITH MUSTACHE
Ethan, why don't you date Parkey Posey instead of me dating
Parker Posey?
ETHAN HAWKE
Done.
Enter Parkey Posey.
PARKER POSEY
Hi!
Exit Parker Posey.
ETHAN HAWKE
Whoa, I'm on so much drugs that it seems like she was on
stage for maybe five minutes!
AUDIENCE
Uh, it's not the drugs...
GUY WITH MUSTACHE
Look Ethan, I've brought along the old guy from Princess
Bride who said the word "Inconceivable" a lot.
OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
Inconceivable! Inconceivable!
ETHAN HAWKE
What's inconceivable?
OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
I deliver every single line like it has an exclamation! But
still like it sounds like a question! I don't get it! It's
inconceivable!
ETHAN HAWKE
Um, what're you doing here?
OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
I brought a 19 year old female NYU student with me! She's a
DRIFTER.
FEMALE NYU STUDENT
I like to have sex.
ASSHOLE GUY
Let's all feel her up onstage!
They DO.
ASSHOLE GUY
Now let's have sex with her offstage!
They DO.
ASSHOLE GUY
Now I want to have even MORE sex.
ETHAN HAWKE
Let's invite NEW AND POINTLESS CHARACTER over!
BLONDE GIRL
(enters)
Hi!
(flashes breasts)
Bye!
(leaves)
PARKER POSEY
(entering)
Ethan Hawke, we MAY OR MAY NOT be breaking up or something!
(leaves in a teary huff)
OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
I'm angry at you because you think Asshole guy is a better
friend!
(leaves in a huff)
GUY WITH MUSTACHE
WHY DID WE SPEND THE FIRST TEN MINUTES ESTABLISHING THAT I
MAY BE GAY WHEN IT'S SINCE BEEN PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT I'M
NOT GAY?!?
(leaves in a sexually ambiguous
huff)
ETHAN HAWKE
Well damn. Everyone has left me. I am sad.
FEMALE NYU STUDENT
That's okay. I'm pointlessly here to sympathize with you.
By the way, did you want to fuck me before I go to sleep?
ETHAN HAWKE
No, there there, sleep you young child you.
She does. He has chosen not to have
sex with her this time and has now
REDEEMED HIMSELF!
Clock ticks 11 PM.
AUDIENCE
I suppose this was a nice three-hour drug induced haze...
Although I could have done it through... You know... DRUGS.
BLACKOUT.
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