THE GLASS MENAGERIE
A "Broadway Abridged" Guest Script
By Kim Patterson
SCENE: BARRYMORE THEATER
Enter CHRISTIAN SLATER.
Out-of-town audience members applaud.
NYC AUDIENCE MEMBER
Is that guy famous?
CHRISTIAN SLATER
I was in some totally important 80s movies, like Heathers and
Pump Up the Volume. But now I'm a serious actor. That's why
I'm speaking in a Southern accent. I really want you to take
me seriously, which might be hard since yesterday I was
arrested for pinching a woman's bottom. Come meet my
dysfunctional family.
He enters the living room, decorated
with a large lace curtain, and a glass
shelf full of glass animals
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
Hey! Notice me! I'm over here in the corner, and I'm very
symbolic! No one will actually acknowledge me yet, but I'm
here!
JESSICA LANGE's very shrill, very
Southern voice floats out from behind
the lace curtain
JESSICA LANGE'S VOICE
(disembodied nagging)
Tom! I'm going to nag you from off-stage for awhile. We have
to finish dinner so we can wait for some Gentleman Callers!
While we're waiting, I'll nag you some more. Your sister
needs Gentleman Callers. I had lots and lots of Gentleman
Callers when I was your age.
Enter LAURA.
LAURA
Momma, there aren't going to be any Gentleman Callers.
Besides, it sounds like you were a ho when you were my age.
She sits on the sofa next to CHRISTIAN
SLATER. They hug, in a way that
brothers should never hug their
sisters.
SCENE: THE NEXT MORNING.
LAURA
I'm very shy, so I'll just play with my glass animals and the
Victrola. My mother's not going to like that I dropped out of
business school.
Enter JESSICA LANGE
JESSICA LANGE
(self-righteous nagging)
You dropped out of business school. I'm so ashamed.
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
Yo! Look at me! Something's going to happen over here!
JESSICA LANGE
(annoyed nagging)
Silly glass!
She picks up a glass animal and slams
it hard against the shelf. It snaps and
a piece of glass flies out of the set.
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
Look, she broke one of my animals. That was symbolic! Or
maybe it was just an accident. Yeah, I think it was an
accident. Sorry.
JESSICA LANGE
(nagging gently)
Laura, haven't you ever liked a boy?
LAURA
Yes, just one. His name is Jim. Jim O'Connor. Jim. I would be
so humiliated if ever I had to speak to that boy, Jim
O'Connor, again. O'Connor. Jim. Jim. Jim.
Enter CHRISTIAN SLATER.
JESSICA LANGE
(angry nagging)
Where have you been?
CHRISTIAN SLATER
I was at the movies. Stop nagging me! I can't even sit at my
typewriter and write poetry without you nagging me. I'm so
angry!
He jumps around the living room and, at
one point, lies down on the floor, then
finally grabs his jacket in huff. As he
storms off, he knocks into the glass
shelf.
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
Hi, I'm still here! Look, they bumped into me! That was
symbolic! No, really, he meant to do that. Yes, I know,
Christian Slater is good at acting belligerent.
CHRISTIAN SLATER
I'm going to the movies!
Exits.
He returns later, drunk.
CHRISTIAN SLATER
I'm drunk. I was drunk the other night too, when I was
arrested for pinching a woman's bottom.
LAURA enters, puts CHRISTIAN SLATER to
bed on the sofa, and then lies down on
top of him, something most normal
brothers and sisters don't do.
SCENE: THE NEXT MORNING.
JESSICA LANGE
(bright, chipper nagging)
Rise and shine!
CHRISTIAN SLATER
Ok, ok. I'll bring home a gentleman caller for Laura… just
stop nagging. Doesn't this seem a lot like pimping?
SCENE: INTERMISSION
Out-of-town audience members gush about
the symbolism and the importance of
Tennessee Williams in the
dramaticcanon.
NYC AUDIENCE MEMBER
I forgot how many words Tennessee Williams likes to use.
SCENE: ACT II
Enter LAURA, in a poofy white dress,
with JESSICA LANGE. JESSICA LANGE's
dress is yellow and less poofy, but
still ridiculous.
JESSICA LANGE
(nostalgic nagging)
I love jonquils. I loved your father. Now I hate your father.
Open the door when your brother brings in your Gentleman
Caller, Jim.
LAURA
His name is Jim? Not Jim O'Connor!
Enter CHRISTIAN SLATER with JOSH LUCAS.
JOSH LUCAS
Hey, I'm famous! I was in Hulk and Sweet Home Alabama! But
now I'm a serious actor. Why didn't anyone clap for me?
LAURA faints.
JESSICA LANGE
(flirtatious nagging)
Jim! Nag, nag, nag. Nag nag, nag nag nag! Nag?
10 minutes pass.
JESSICA LANGE
Nag nag? Nag, nag, nag!
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
Get ready! My big scene is coming up!
JOSH LUCAS
Laura, let's sit on the floor together in the dark with these
candles and talk about how we knew each other in high school.
CLARA
(from The Light in the Piazza)
Ooooh, a boy! He's talking to me! Look, Momma!
AUDIENCE
Uh, wrong production. While you're both blonde, Southern and
have overbearing mothers, Laura is shy, not mentally
deficient. Or 12. Or whatever you are.
CLARA
(from The Light in the Piazza)
Oops. Sorry.
She exits.
LAURA
Look at my unicorn. It's very fragile. Do you get the
symbolism here?
JOSH LUCAS
Do you want to dance?
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
Here it comes!
LAURA
Oh no! The unicorn is broken! Now he's just like all the
other horses.
JOSH LUCAS
Hey, that was symbolic! I like you, Laura. You're not like
other girls. And not just because you talk to little glass
animals. If you were my sister, I'd make sure you were happy.
They kiss - something most normal men
don't do with women they think of as
sisters. LAURA freaks out. JOSH LUCAS
freaks out. He leaves.
JESSICA LANGE
(freaking out - nagging finally
replaced by hysterical
wailing)
What happened to our Gentleman Caller!?
CHRISTIAN SLATER
I'm going to the movies! Ok, really, I'm joining the Merchant
Marines. Except that after I went away, I keep thinking about
my sister. Is that normal? I don't think that's normal.
LAURA blows out the candles.
NYC AUDIENCE MEMBER
Oh, thank god.
Out-of-town audience members rise for
standing ovation.
BLACKOUT.
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