NEXT TO NORMAL ABRIDGED
A "Broadway Abridged" Pill That Melts In Your Mouth
[WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS. ALSO, SPOILERS.]
By Gil Varod
SCENE: A SERIES OF POP-ART PANELS AND POLES THAT JOIN TO
CREATE A MULTI-LEVEL... UM... STRIP CLUB?
Enter exactly what you wish your kid
would have looked like if he GREW UP
instead of DYING AS A BABY.
MALE EYE CANDY
Hi mom, I'm your SPOOKY ANTAGONIST SON, and I'm sorry I'm
"home late", wink wink. I'll just pretend I'm ACTUALLY HERE,
because didn't that work so well in PROOF?
Enter a graduate from the MARY LOUISE
PARKER SCHOOL OF CRAZY EYES.
ALICE RIPLEY
(for some reason opening and
closing her fist over and over
again, one finger at a time)
THAT OKAY, BECAUSE ALICE RIPLEY GOING TÜ HAVE SEX WITH YÜR
FATHER!
JENNIFER DAMIANO
I'm *so* glad I know that.
(to audience)
You can tell that I'm a hip, modern high school teenager
because, duh, I roll my eyes at everything while being dryly
sarcastic and cursing too much!
(rolls eyes)
Ffffffuck.
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Get to school daughter, because your mother is CRAZY and I
never understand WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. She keeps saying
crazy things like:
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY KEEP CAVE CLEAN. YÜ GO OUT, GET FIRE.
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Just crazy! Sigh, our musical's so important.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
Dad, *duh* she's saying she'll be homemaker while you head
off to work.
(rolls eyes)
Right Mom? Fffffuck.
ALICE RIPLEY
(making sandwiches, wasting
away 8 loaves of bread a week)
ME NO PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE ME CRAZY.
ALSO, ME QUESTIONABLE SUBCONSCIOUS TÜ BUSY IMAGINING ME DEAD
CHILD UPSTAIRS TAKING SHOWER.
MALE EYE CANDY
(Standing in underwear on top
level of set. For real.)
Hi there!
SCENE: A DOCTOR'S OFFICE THAT IS MADE OUT TO LOOK LIKE A
STRIP CLUB, BUT WITH THE LIGHTING FROM "SPRING AWAKENING".
DOCTOR CHARACTER
(enters)
I'm here to establish that you're taking pills.
(exits)
SCENE: A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF SAME STRIPCLUB (PERHAPS THE VIP
SECTION?) WITH THE LIGHTING FROM "PASSING STRANGE".
LIGHTING DESIGNER
KEVIN ADAMS
They told me that if I stole the lighting from my last two
"hip/edgy" shows, that I'd get to keep the purchase price of
the bulbs! :D
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Kids, we're going to play a new game today. It's called
GUESS THE LAZY LYRIC!
One of us (usually me) will sing a lyric missing the last
word so that you at home can guess what OBVIOUS RHYME is
coming next!
We'll do it slowly enough so that the rhyme screams out at
you, just like while you're watching the REAL show. Ready?
(sings)
WHO'S CRAZY
A HUSBAND OR WIFE?
WHO'S CRAZY
(a pause so you can guess what
word ends the next line)
TO LIVE THEIR WHOLE ______?
ALICE RIPLEY
MY PSYCHOPHARMACOLOGIST AND I...
IT'S LIKE AN ODD ROMANCE
INTENSE AND VERY INTIMATE...
(pause: can you guess?)
WE DÜ OUR ________?
J. ROBERT SPENCER
REMEMBERING WHEN SHE WAS
TWENTY AND BRILLIANT AND BOLD!
AND I WAS SO YOUNG AND SO DUMB...
(another pregnant pause)
AND NOW I AM _______.
(to Audience)
OK add up your score. Did you get all of them? Because if
you did, you win a FREE PICTURE of Alice Ripley making
SCARY-AS-SATAN faces that you can hang over your bed!
YOU, THE WINNER
(absolutely horrified)
ALICE RIPLEY
IT LIKE DREAMCATCHER, BUT MORE ALICE RIPLEY SMASH ALICE
RIPLEY KILL!
SCENE: PIANO ROOM THAT LOOKS LIKE A STRIP CLUB.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
You should stay away from me, romantic male lead. I'm very
(rolls eyes)
FFFFFUCKED UP!
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
Well I SMOKE POT, which in this musical apparently passes for
being FUCKED UP too. We should date.
Also: I've been SITTING BEHIND YOU IN CLASS for SIX YEARS
while eyeing you.
Also: I love you.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
Yeah, that's not coming on too strong at all. Let's
definitely date, because you like me for some reason, and I
find attractive the fact that you're borderline stalkerish.
Also: the word Ffffffuck.
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY WATCH SCENE BETWEEN DAUGHTER AND BORING
CHARACTER, REMIND ALICE RIPLEY OF ALICE RIPLEY YOUNG. ALICE
RIPLEY SING "I WANT" SONG ABOUT THIS?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL GREIF
Hmm. I think we're probably too IMPORTANT and SMART a
MUSICAL, so let's treat the audience like IDIOTS just in case
they're missing the PARALLELS.
J. ROBERT SPENCER IN A
HALF-ASSED ATTEMPT TO DRESS
LIKE HE'S YOUNGER
(enters)
Hey, Alice Ripley, let's marry.
(leaves)
DIRECTOR MICHAEL GREIF
That'll do.
Alice Ripley sings while pouring all of
the pills down the toilet.
She has learned a valuable lesson that
PILLS ARE EVIL and they never help
anyone at all!
ALICE RIPLEY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME DEAD, DEAD, DEAD SON!
...or maybe not.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
My ffffffucking brother died before I was born! But we're
not going to say how yet!
AUDIENCE
Since they kept it from us, I can't wait until ACT TWO when
I'll surely find out how he died! I bet it had something to
do with ALICE RIPLEY'S MENTAL DISORDER!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Alice Ripley, we are having an ANGRY ARGUMENT! So I'm going
to yell at you via song, pausing awkwardly during the spaces
in between lyrics like I don't know what to do with myself.
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY ANGRY AT YOU TÜ FOR BEING...
üm...
SUPPORTIVE HÜSBAND!
FOR REVENGE, ALICE RIPLEY TRÜST MIRAGE OF DEAD SON INSTEAD!
Alice Ripley and her Imaginary Son grab
each other a bunch and hold each other.
TONY AWARDS WATCHERS
Oh... so this *isn't* a musical about a woman torn between
her husband and an affair with a younger man....
Coulda fooled me.
SCENE: DOCTOR'S OFFICE-SLASH-GENTLEMEN'S CLUB.
ALICE RIPLEY
DOCTOR, ME FEEL WORSE THAN LAST SCENE. WHY-FOR?
DOCTOR CHARACTER
I'm a different doctor character now. You can tell because I
took off my glasses.
(sings all crazy like)
So your last doctor diagnosed you as a nice vague mix of
BIPOLAR and SCHIZOPHRENIC.
ALICE RIPLEY
(has tiny, creepy orgasms when
he does so)
YES, THAT COVER GENERAL MENTAL DISEASE GAMÜT!
DOCTOR CHARACTER
(never sings crazy-like again)
Well, according to my notes here,
if your son had never died, none of your neuroses would have
ever been triggered.
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY FIND THIS VERY CONVENIENT FOR PLOT.
DOCTOR CHARACTER
My very professional doctorly advice--and your VALUABLE
LESSON today--is that you should LEARN HOW TO LET GO OF YOUR
SON.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
(rolling onstage via her eyes)
Wow, what a *genius* doctor. Pfft.
ALICE RIPLEY
LET GO SON? WHY IT TAKE FULL SEVENTEEN YEARS OF THERAPY TÜ
REACH THIS CONCLÜSION?
MALE EYE CANDY
Hey, there's all these stripper poles around here, does
anybody mind if I swing on them and gyrate in most of my
songs?
ALICE RIPLEY
ONLY ALICE RIPLEY CAN SEE SON GYRATE...
MAYBE DEAD SON TINY BIT OEDIPAL?
SCENE: SO, DID *YOUR* HIGH SCHOOL LOOK LIKE A PLACE WHERE
PEOPLE TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES FOR MONEY?
JENNIFER DAMIANO
I have decided that MOZART is too RIGID, and that CREATIVE
IMPROVISATION is more IMPORTANT!
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
Whatever.
SCENE: THE SAME DOCTOR'S TITTY BAR.
ALICE RIPLEY
I THOUGHT SHOW ABOUT ME CRAZY. WHY IS SHOW NOW ABOUT DEAD
SON? ALICE RIPLEY CONFÜSED.
DOCTOR CHARACTER
That's cause the pills aren't helping. Which is good,
because if eventually finding the right combination did seem
to fix that you're CRAZY like it sometimes does in real life,
this musical would be suddenly over.
Doctor does exactly the sort of
PROFESSIONAL HYPNOSIS that you used to
do in summer camp!
DOCTOR CHARACTER
Now, imagine you're walking down a long flight of stairs,
then down a hall, then opening a door that you see.
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY SEE DAUGHTER, WHO ALICE RIPLEY MAKE BABY OF TÜ
DEAL WITH DEAD DEAD SON.
DOCTOR CHARACTER
Ah, maybe you should finally go clear out your dead son's
bedroom? Then we could do the scene where your son is in
a tuxedo, and you share a rather questionable slow-dance
with him as he warmly kisses your hand.
ALICE RIPLEY
DOCTOR THINK QUESTIONABLE SLOW DANCE FIX MOURNING?
(slits wrists)
DOCTOR CHARACTER
Apparently not. J-ROB!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
(entering)
Sorry, I was busy washing INVISIBLE BLOOD off this chair.
DOCTOR CHARACTER
Well, I'm going to suggest ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY, while
being very crafty and misleading about how totally-not
problematic the side effects are. Cause of the lesson
that DOCTORS ARE EVIL.
ALICE RIPLEY
NO, ME WON'T DÜ THAT! AARRGGGGHHH!! GRR AGRH GGRRR ARGH
ARGH!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Let me convince you with a sweet, calming and relaxing song.
(singing)
TAKE THIS CHANCE CAUSE IT MAY BE OUR LAST
TO BE FREE, TO LET GO OF THE _____
TAKE MY HAND, AND LET ME TAKE YOUR HEART
KEEP YOU FAR FROM WHAT KEEPS US A-_____
(pause)
AND SHOCK YOURSELF WITH OVER ONE HUNDRED
PULSING WATTS OF LIVE ELECTRICITY....
UM...
FOR OUR LOVE!
ALICE RIPLEY
OH. OKAY. ALICE RIPLEY DÜ IT.
(signs form)
(is electrocuted using the
worst "electrocution lighting"
ever)
LIGHTING DESIGNER
KEVIN ADAMS
Ah, the old "Bitch of Living" bulbs still work great!
SCENE: A *NON*-STRIPCLUB CLUB. WHICH IS THEMED TO A
STRIPCLUB.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
(taking handfuls of pills at
once, but definitely not going
to the emergency room for
overdosing or anything)
I'm stealing my mother's medicine, but ha ha, I'm still
against pot!
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
And you're still dating me?
JENNIFER DAMIANO
(bumpin' and grindin')
Dating you, and NEVER KISSING YOU.
Also, POLE-DANCING!
AUDIENCE
Whoa whoa whoa... isn't she like SIXTEEN in real life?
SCENE: WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR MEMORY, EVEN YOUR *OWN HOUSE*
STARTS TO LOOK KIND OF LIKE A STRIP CLUB.
ALICE RIPLEY
ME LÜSE MEMORY.
ME AT UNLIKELY WORST-CASE SCENARIO OF ELECTRIC MEMORY LOSS.
ME CAN'T REMEMBER ALL IMPORTANT LESSONS ME LEARN IN ACT ONE
OF IMPORTANT, IMPORTANT MÜSICAL.
ME CAN'T REMEMBER OWN DAUGHTER!
ME CAN'T REMEMBER A WHOLE PERSON!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Don't worry, just remember this universal fluffy truth:
Memories Don't Die!
...unless you electrocute them to a crisp. I guess we
learned the important lesson that ELECTRICITY IS EVIL.
COMPOSER TOM KITT
Can everyone now sing a song all about REMEMBERING?
They do.
LYRICIST BRIAN YORKEY
Um... now can you sing a song about ITEMS we remember?
They do.
COMPOSER TOM KITT
Jeez what else... Oh, in song, can you recount a whole bunch
of TIMES THAT ALICE WAS CRAZY so the audience knows she was
crazy, in case they weren't sure?
That happens. Finally:
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Gee Alice, you're getting better--almost as good as you were
in the end of Act One!
ALICE RIPLEY
WHOLE POINT OF NOW IS GET ALICE RIPLEY ONLY AS SANE AS ACT
ONE? THAT NOT COMFORTING.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
Wow, a Rock Musical with a way less coherent second act than
its first?
(rolls eyes)
Apparently RENT *is* still influential!
SCENE: STRIPPERCIZE CLASSES IN PHYS ED.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
We're breaking up now.
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
BREAKING UP!!!! But I never even got to kiss y--
JENNIFER DAMIANO
THIS IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION! IF YOU COME UP WITH A BETTER
THING TO HAPPEN IN ACT TWO, YOU LET ME KNOW! ROLLEYES!
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
ROLLEYES INDEED! Why on earth do I like you, never mind
*love* you?
ALICE RIPLEY
(to other young boy)
HMMM. OTHER YOUNG BOY, YÜ REMIND ALICE RIPLEY OF SÜMEBODY.
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
Why, because I'm roughly the same age as your son, even
though I look nothing like you imagine him being?
ALICE RIPLEY
WHAT? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ME SON!!!
EYE CANDY sets out a basket with all
sorts of things that will REMIND Alice
Ripley that HE EXISTS! How
antagonistic.
ALICE RIPLEY
NAAAGHH! MÜAAAAAH! GRFF!
MALE EYE CANDY
Yes, I am back and I'm being generally antagonistic still!
And until you SAY MY NAME, you won't get PAST MY DEATH, Alice
Ripley!
(to audience)
Got that? She needs to SAY MY NAME TO DEAL WITH ME! She
does JUST THAT and she won't be crazy anymore!
ALICE RIPLEY
(suddenly kind of lucid)
Oh son, Alice Ripley now remember everything! Alice Ripley
now remember the secretive way that yü died...
AUDIENCE
Oooooh here it is we're gonna learn how you killed him!
ALICE RIPLEY
...all because...
AUDIENCE
Yes... yes... yes...!
ALICE RIPLEY
OF AN INTESTINAL ISSÜE!
AUDIENCE
...well boo.
ALICE RIPLEY AND
JENNIFER DAMIANO
(at the same time)
(because having parallels in
IMPORTANT MUSICALS are also
IMPORTANT!)
We're angry at yü, men!
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
Why are you angry at me, Jennifer?
JENNIFER DAMIANO
Oh. Not really sure. Nevermind!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Why are you angry at me, Alice?
ALICE RIPLEY
Because yü were terrible hüsband to Alice Ripley!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
What was terrible about me?
ALICE RIPLEY
Alice Ripley dünno. Yü always avoided talking about our dead
son. You didn't bring him üp single time in this müsical.
Always Alice Ripley did!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
That might be because I've moved on, and because he died
sixteen years ago.
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY DON'T CHÜÜSE TO INTERPRET IT THAT WAY!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
WELL I DO!
ALICE RIPLEY
WELL ALICE RIPLEY LEAVING!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
YEAH WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO?
ALICE RIPLEY
TO LIVE WITH ALICE RIPLEY PARENTS!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
YOU WHAT? YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MENTIONED THAT YOU HAVE
LIVING PARENTS IN THE WORLD OF THIS MUSICAL!
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY CAN, AND ALICE RIPLEY WILL!
MALE EYE CANDY
Apparently THAT was the solution to your mental illness all
along: don't deal with it and just run away.
You've learned a VALUABLE LESSON, Alice Ripley!
ALICE RIPLEY
(starts to walk out the door)
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Wait... take Dead Son with you! Don't leave him behind,
transferring your delusions to me somehow!
ALICE RIPLEY
ALICE RIPLEY NOT TRANSFERRING ME DELUSIONS TO YÜ! ALICE
RIPLEY THINK BY ME LEAVING, YÜ FINALLY DEAL WITH HIS DEATH!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
Well that's not how I interpret that either!
ALICE RIPLEY
WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOT MARRIED--WE NO AGREE ON SHODDY
INTERPRETATION OF ANYTHING!
(leaves)
MALE EYE CANDY
(enters)
Now I'm haunting *you*, Dad!
J. ROBERT SPENCER
(finally revealing his name)
Your name is Gabriel!
YOUR NAME IS GABRIEL!
JENNIFER DAMIANO
(takes pills)
It's a shame we'll never be a normal family, but I'm okay
with that. I will happily settle for a family that is NEXT
TO NORMAL.
Whee they said the musical's name!
SCENE: AN EPILOGUE THAT DOESN'T HAVE THE MAIN CHARACTER IN IT
AT *ALL*.
J. ROBERT SPENCER
(to Doctor)
Help me, Doctor.
DOCTOR CHARACTER
With finally grieving for your lost son?
J. ROBERT SPENCER
What? No, that was like 20 years ago. I need to schedule a
session with you so you can help me understand why ME saying
my son's name was the correct solution to the issue that
ALICE couldn't say his name the whole musical.
JENNIFER DAMIANO
I need a session too, maybe you can tell me why the musical
"had" to end at this particular point instead of, say, ten
minutes earlier or later.
Or even with a scene where Alice Ripley sings to the audience
about where she's headed in life from here on.
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
Yeah, are there pills you can recommend for highly
unsatisfying endings?
And does my HMO cover them?
DOCTOR CHARACTER
Okay, I have you all down for Thursday at noon, one and two
respectively. And we can talk about that, as well as the
TRUE moral of this very IMPORTANT MUSICAL, which is that
EVERYBODY NEEDS THERAPY!
OTHER YOUNG BOY IN THE SHOW
Also, maybe that "love conquers all"? Or maybe that was
"love makes young people do stupid impregnating things".
JENNIFER DAMIANO
(eyes falling out)
I figured maybe our lesson was that "ONE FAMILY IS ABOUT TO
FACE THE MUSIC" is a vague, terrible tagline.
Or maybe we learned to never use a logo that looks like
Ffffffffffff-
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTING DESIGNER
KEVIN ADAMS
(with flashlight)
Sorry guys, my fault. I guess that's what I learn from
reusing so many old bulbs.
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