OLEANNA ABRIDGED
From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE SCHOOL OF MAMET.
Enter Bill Pullman.
BILL PULLMAN
Hi, I'm a professor.
Enter Julia Stiles.
JULIA STILES
And I'm a student.
Hmm. We don't have any other characters to help with
exposition.
BILL PULLMAN
Why don't I ramble on and on about applying for tenure and my
house and its mortgage, and how I have self-doubts, and other
things that are all about me me me.
Will that make me elitist and chauvinistic?
JULIA STILES
That depends. What are you a professor of?
BILL PULLMAN
I have no idea. Maybe a teacher of Teaching or something?
It doesn't matter.
JULIA STILES
Yes it does. Maybe your personal experience is relevant to
what I came in here for.
BILL PULLMAN
No, see? No, see, no, no, see, no, NO.
No no see.
No.
It's all about...
no, see?
It's... see... no--
JULIA STILES
I feel so stupid when I hear you teach--
BILL PULLMAN
---no... NO!... See? SEE!
JULIA STILES
(damn convincing crying)
I'm going to fail.
BILL PULLMAN
Well if you come in here and talk with me every week, I'll
give you an A.
(puts hand on Julia Stiles'
shoulder)
It's all going to be okay.
DAVID FUCKING MAMET
See? By the end of the first act, the women are going to
hate him... but wait till act two when the men are going to
hate her!
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
Well, we don't hate him so much... he's just kind of a crappy
teacher, maybe a little egotistical.
DAVID FUCKING MAMET
No, did you miss when he touched her on the shoulder? That
proves he's a male pig.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
Well, what year is this play taking place?
DAVID FUCKING MAMET
Nineteen ninety tw--
DIRECTOR DOUG HUGHES
(interrupting)
Two thousand and nine.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
You sure?
DIRECTOR DOUG HUGHES
Yes. Definitely two thousand and nine. He touched a student
on the shoulder, and it's two thousand and nine. Yes.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
That doesn't prove he's a chauvinist. That just proves he's
an idiot.
DIRECTOR DOUG HUGHES
?
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
Any male today has to be an idiot if he touches a student
even if his intentions are right.
Especially after the sexual harassment craziness of the early
90s... Roughly 1992ish or so.
DAVID FUCKING MAMET
THAT'S IT, I'm ending the scene right he--
SCENE: THE LAND OF BLINDS.
You know what audiences love?
They love watching curtain blinds go
all the way up a set of windows over
the course of two minutes.
And then go all the way down a set of
windows in roughly the same amount of
time.
With a loud mechanical sound of exactly
that happening.
Yeah, it's great to cater to an
audience's likes.
SCENE: INDETERMINABLE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER.
JULIA STILES
Hey, I'm suddenly articulate now, and quite the bitch. Just
wanted to let you know that I told the tenure board you
shouldn't get tenure because you propositioned me.
BILL PULLMAN
What? You have no proof.
JULIA STILES
I don't need proof, it's the hysterical crazy nineties. Like
remember when EVERYBODY was on Ritalin?
She tries to leave. He blocks her.
JULIA STILES
BLINDS!
Blinds go back up and down and make
more lovely mechanical harmonies.
JULIA STILES
Okay, now I told the board that just there, when you blocked
me forcefully, that it was attempted rape. So you're going
to lose everything you have ever.
BILL PULLMAN
What?
JULIA STILES
So, just as you asked, I came here alone to talk to you about
said rape claim. Me. Came here. To meet my attempted
rapist. Alone.
For real.
BILL PULLMAN
Why do you hate me?
JULIA STILES
Throw a chair at me.
BILL PULLMAN
I'M GONNA THROW A CHAIR AT--
BLACKOUT.
EPILOGUE: OBLIGATORY AUDIENCE TALKBACK.
PANEL HOST OF THE WEEK
So...
So it's 9:15, and we totally forgot to rehearse a third act.
But hey, who wants to stick around and say what they think
and feel about the play?
EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE
I have meaningless useless crap to add to this discussion!
YOU
MUST... STAY IN SEAT... TO MAKE MY TICKET'S DOLLAR-AMOUNT PER
MINUTE... SEMI-REASONABLE...
TIME: 9:30 PM.
HEY, SHAME "ROCKY HORROR SHOW"
ISN'T STILL ON BROADWAY; YOU
COULD HAVE CAUGHT THE SECOND
PERFORMANCE!
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