"ROCK 'N' ROLL"
OR
"WHAT HAPPENED WHEN TOM STOPPARD WASN'T ALLOWED
TO MAKE 'COAST OF UTOPIA' INTO A QUADRILOGY"
From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: A REVOLVING TURNTABLE... BUT A SLOWLY-REVOLVING ONE.
A young girl is sitting and watching a
young man on the wall as he plays a pan
flute.
YOUNG GIRL
Look, it's a character that may or may not be interpreted as
former Pink Floyd band member Syd Barrett! Perhaps we'll
get to meet Roger Waters, and Bob Dylan, John Lennon--
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
(killing the young girl's
dream)
Blah blah blah Communism is great blah blah blah--
MOST OF THE OTHER
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
No, communism is bad.
YOUNG GIRL
What are we talking about?
OLD COMMUNIST GUY'S WIFE
(out of nowhere.)
I lost my boobs to the cancer. Look!
She pulls her shirt up to reveal a
crappy muscle man Halloween costume.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
Ah, that may be, but I myself remember when I became
communist! It all started back when...
SCENE: A BLACK SCREEN...
...during which we hear the first of
many rock songs that you may not be
familiar with.
PLAYWRIGHT TOM STOPPARD
(gloating)
Who said I couldn't make you feel as guilty about your lack
of knowledge of Rock and Roll as I did with your lack of
knowledge of Russian Philosophy?
The screen shows the name of the song,
and the record it was on.
And the band members.
And who recorded it.
And where it was recorded it.
And the album ID.
Boy, this is taking a long time.
There must be a lot of scenery to
move, right?
SCENE: NO SCENERY HAS BEEN MOVED. PERHAPS THAT'S WHAT THE
BEAUTIFUL CONVENIENCE OF A *TURNTABLE* WAS FOR.
We're in a Cambridge dorm room. It is
probably many years ago, but to be
sure, you'd have to look in the
Playbill where it can remind you what
year the previous scene took place and
OH THAT'S RIGHT THEY DIDN'T LIST SCENES
IN THE PLAYBILL, DID THEY?
UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER
You have a gajillion records, Czechoslovakian guy. I'm gonna
tape some of them if you don't mind.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
I only mind if you're planning on making this some commentary
about internet filesharing. Because if Tom Stoppard says
that it's okay to steal music, then that means it's pretty
much okay to do.
That old guy enters.
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
You or I or that guy over there should sign this paper to
show that we support something Communist.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
(in thick heavy Czech accent)
I don't care about Communism. I care about the billions of
money I've spent in records.
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
Whoa whoa whoa... why do you suddenly have a Czech accent?
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
When I speak in an accent, I'm speaking in English, and without
an accent is in Czech. Or maybe it's vice versa... Remember
PART ONE of this?
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
Then why am I not speaking in an accent now?
UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER
Wait, "Part one"?!?
COAST OF UTOPIA WAS A DIFFERENT PLAY!!!!
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
Bullshit.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
It was!
Now let's get onto some historical Rock n' Roll figures.
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
(referring to a band you feel like
you might vaguely recognize...)
Like the Plastic People of the Universe!
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
(pretending he knows who the
hell that is)
Um... sure, we can start with... them. So are we going to--
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
In 1968, under rule of Communist Party leader Alexander
Dubcek, Soviet and other Warsaw Pact troops invaded
Czechoslovakia to overthrow Dubcek and reinstate hard-line
communist rule. Less than a month after the invasion,
Plastic People of the Universe was formed.
YOU
(banging head into wall)
Why do I keep subjecting myself to feeling so intellectually
inferior?
SCENE: A BLACK SCREEN...
Where we've decided to add another 3
minutes of time by featuring song
titles via a Pink Floyd laser light show.
SCENE: SAME COLLEGE
But perhaps a few years later?
Again, you can just check your
Playbill's IMAGINARY SCENE LISTING.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
Oh no, now all of my records are on the floor, and many of
them are broken!
UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER
How did they break?
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
(walking around the apartment,
stepping on the records a bit)
Communism or something.
UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER
You should probably stop walking directly on your records.
Some of them seem like they're probably in fine conditio--
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GUY
(shaking fists)
DAMN YOU COMMUNISM!
Enter Jerry Garcia of GREATFUL DEAD
fame.
JERRY GARCIA
I'm ready for my scene.
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
No, you have nothing to do with communism. Shoo, you!
JERRY GARCIA
(sulks, leaves all pouty)
SCENE: A BLACK SCREEN...
Beach Boys music plays for whatever
reason.
Oh god will this never end?
SCENE: BACK WHEREVER THE FIRST SCENE WAS, BUT IN THE LATE
1980S.
NEW CHARACTER #1
I hate you!
NEW CHARACTER #2
Hi, I'm a reporter!
NEW CHARACTER #3
Mom, I want to go to college!
YOUNG GIRL
(now grown up)
Communism is dead!
OLD COMMUNIST GUY
I miss communism. Sigh.
YOUNG GIRL
Let's all go to a concert and look really stupid onstage like
we're trying to "rock out"!
EVERYBODY
Yay!
They DO.
EMPEROR TOM STOPPARD
Jesus, when will you all realize that I'm naked?
BLACKOUT.
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