A STEADY RAIN ABRIDGED
OR
FINALLY WE CAN ATTRACT THE "YES I'D PAY A C-NOTE TO WATCH
HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG READ THE PHONEBOOK" CROWD
From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: TWO CHAIRS IN FRONT OF A BLACK BACKDROP, WHICH IS
ROUGHLY WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT TO AFFORD WHEN YOU'VE PAID
WOLVERINE AND JAMES BOND-SIZED SALARIES
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
I'm Hugh Jackman in a Chicago accent.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
And I'm Daniel Craig in a Chicago accent.
PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE
TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND
I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HUGH JACKMAN AND DANIEL CRAIG GET ONSTAGE!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
But we're already onstage.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
(saying moustache spelled the
British way)
If you imagine me without a moustache, will that help you--
PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE
TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND
WHEN THEY DO I'LL CLAP SO HARD!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Um. So, I'm a cop.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
And I'm a cop.
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
And we're going to both narrate our story, going back and
forth--
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
--usually without acting it out--
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
--so that you can hear the meshing of both of our accounts of
the course of events.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
Which will BARELY clash or contradict each other, the way two
people's depositions do. Because even though we are
different people with separate morals and viewpoints, we will
see and interpret every event EXACTLY THE SAME. Like in a
one-man show!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Except we're not one man.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
We're two.
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
We're best friends.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
I have unspoken feelings for your wife.
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
I AM A FAMILY MAN. A FAMILY MAN. ME. I HAVE A WIFE. AND
KIDS. WHICH MAKE A FAMILY. AND I AM THE MAN OF THE
AFOREMENTIONED FAMILY.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
...
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
ANYONE WHO MESSES WITH THE FAMILY MAN GETS
VVVVEEEENNNGGGAAANCE!
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
We get it, Hollywood's Hugh Jackman.
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
I have to insist on being a FAMILY MAN a lot, Hollywood's
Daniel Craig. Because my wife is not portrayed by an onstage
actress. So I won't be acting out any scenes with her.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
Or with me.
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Or with him. I'll just tell all of you what happened in each
scene, and you can imagine how good I--
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
or I--
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
would have acted in it, if it had been a movie instead.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
A picturefilm!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Like how hard I'd act when I sleep with a prostitute, or kill
someone who doesn't deserve to die, or skim money off the top
of something particularly unsavory, or make enemies with
someone who doesn't respect the FAMILY in FAMILY MAN.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
Or when I mention rain a lot. RAIN!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Or LOGIC!
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
RAAAIIIINNN!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
LOOOOGGGIIICCC!
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
& HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
RAAAAIIIIIINNNN ANNNDDDD LLLOOOGGGIIICCCC AAAAAANNNDDDD
RRRRAAAAIIINNNN ANNNDDDD LLLOOOOGGGGIIIICCC AAAANNNDDD
RRRAAAIIINNNN...
This continues for a short while.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
Ah, I love Tell Don't Show.
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Hey Hollywood's Daniel Craig, is there a gun in this play?
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
You mean is there a gun prop? Or is a gun casually mentioned
via direct-to-the-audience storytelling?
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
The first one.
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
Then no. Unless you think this chair looks like a gun?
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
Well what will that mean if one or both of us are supposed to
die via gunshot 90 minutes in?
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
Why, we'd have to come out of our Chicago Accents in order to
auction off our undershirts for Broadway Cares Equity Fights
Aids!
HOLLYWOOD'S HUGH JACKMAN
For real?
HOLLYWOOD'S DANIEL CRAIG
I shit you not.
PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE WHO LIKE
TO MAKE THAT "WOOO!" SOUND
Woooooooo!
BLACKOUT.
|
