A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE: ABRIDGED
From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
By Gil Varod
SCENE: TRASH LOT OUTSIDE OF STUDIO 54
TABLES AND CHAIRS
FROM CABARET
(laying in dumpster)
THANK GOD, we've FINALLY been thrown away now that Cabaret
has been closed for *years*.
AUDIENCE'S BACKS
AND NECKS
Whoopee! Now the only thing that can still hurt us is a
three-hour play that doesn't *really* need to be all three
hours...
SCENE: STUDIO 54.
Enter John C. Reilly.
JOHN C. REILLY
Oh wife? Where are you? AND, where is your sister who is
staying with us?
Enter Natasha Richardson.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
I'm right here.
JOHN C. REILLY
Hi Natasha, Vilkommen to my house.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Did you just say Vilkommen?
JOHN C. REILLY
Oh... sorry, I suppose I got you confused with your part in
CABARET, where you ALSO played a woman who is obsessed with
the fancy life and who speaks in an over-trained accent with
monotone speaking.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Well we're not in Germany, John. We're in New Orleans.
JOHN C. REILLY
How can you (and the audience) tell?
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Because of the six dozen fans that are twirling on our set,
which obviously mean "New Orleans". I hope that the
combination of this DISTRACTING HYPNOTIC MOVEMENT and my
tendency to SPEAK MY MONOLOGUES SLOWER THAN TIME ITSELF
doesn't cause the audience to DRIFT OFF.
(pause)
Oh. It's been five minutes. I should somehow meaninglessly
mention the word "DESIRE" because it's in the title.
JOHN C. REILLY
Well, I think you may be stealing from my wife or something
because of some sort of deed to a land or something that you
may or may not have sold or who the hell knows what.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Well, perhaps if you didn't constantly mumble, the audience
would know.
JOHN C. REILLY
Yeah, well. The point is, I hate you, sister-in-law who I
somehow haven't met until now.
And now that we *have* met, we are definitely not both at
once REPULSED BY and DRAWN TO each other as one would assume
from reading the script.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Have I mentioned that I'm afraid I've grown old and ugly?
Because even though it's painfully apparent I'm neither old
or ugly, I think I should mention every five minutes that--
Suddenly, at some very anti-climatic
moment in the scene, the lights go dim
as the set transitions into a few hours
later.
BLACK FEMALE SOLOIST
(singing)
OH HOW WE HERE IN NEW ORLEANS LOVE OUR TRANSITION MUSIC
OH PRAISE THE LORD FOR OUR WONDERFUL TRANSITION MUSIC
TRANSITION MUSIC
TRANSITION MUSIC
TRANSITION TRANSITION TRANSITION TRASITION
SING SING SING SING
WAITING FOR THE STAGEHANDS TO CHANGE THE SET
WHY DO THEY WEAR KHAKIS WE WONDER
DURING TRANSITION MUSIC!
TRANSITION TO:
SCENE: A POKER GAME
JOHN C. REILLY
Hey stock friends, let's all play poker.
They DO.
Enter Natasha Richardson with
JOHN C. REILLY'S WIFE.
For today's Abridge, JOHN C. REILLY'S
WIFE (AKA "Stella") will be a non
speaking part because nobody cares much
about her.
JOHN C. REILLY
WIFE, I'm drunk, so I'm going to hit you!
He does.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
No, don't do that!
(pause)
Also, um... DESIRE!
JOHN C. REILLY
Now, WIFE, I will apologize and we'll MAKE LOVE!
They DO.
JOHN C. REILLY
See? Now I'm a generic run-of-the-mill guy who's also some
sort of a BAD GUY!
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Oh John C. Reilly--who definitely isn't Marlon Brando--I hate
you! In fact, I...
(continues on one of her long
droll-ly delivered monologues)
AUDIENCE
(falls asleep)
MITCH
I don't care if she does put the audience to sleep. I'm VERY
SENSITIVE, and I'm going to MARRY her, because I will be
LONELY once my Mother dies!
NATASHA RICHARDSON
(unable to be understood
through her annoying crying
noises)
Great! Now I won't be lonely, because I've been lonely since
the boy I married DIED, and he was a boy, and I've been
lonely ever since then, because I know what it's like to have
someone close to you--
(pause)
Um, what're you doing?
MITCH
Groping and/or trying to rape you.
NATASHA RICHARDSON
Wait, I thought you're sensitive.
MITCH
But the script says "Rape here". So I did.
DIRECTOR EDWARD HALL
(entering)
Well, what about motivation?
MITCH
What about you not being another friggin Brit who thinks they
should be directing American plays on Broadway?
DIRECTOR EDWARD HALL
But hell, even David Leveaux knows that you need to create a
clear motivation for your character.
MITCH
You really want to make this play *longer*?
DIRECTOR EDWARD HALL
Sure. Bring on the absurdly-large cast of bit parts that
this play requires!
YOUNG BOY
(kisses Natasha Richardson)
Why thank you, ma'am, now I must leave.
(leaves)
WOMAN UPSTAIRS
(enters)
Glad to let you into the house Natasha.
(leaves)
MAN UPSTAIRS
(enters)
Hi! I like poker and I argue with my wife!
(leaves)
MEXICAN WOMAN
(enters)
Something something Flowers For the Dead!
(leaves, irrelevantly)
DOCTOR AND NURSE
(enter)
*WE* come in so late to the show, that we don't have our call
until 10 PM! We could be in another fricking play, do our
bows, and then come here and do our one scene!
(leaves)
JOHN C. REILLY'S WIFE
[STELLA]
(signs something about how
Natasha's arrival has turned
her and John's life upside
down)
JOHN C. REILLY
My bland wife is right. Get the hell out, Natasha.
Theoretically I'm a jerk for telling you this so brutely, but
you're so painfully annoying that the audience sympathizes
with my hatred for you!
John C. Reilly maybe rapes Natasha
Richardson. Well, only if you feel
like interpreting it that way.
BLACKOUT.
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