It's viewer mail time! - Broadway Abridged

Everybody knows how much I love to post the feedback of my adoring fans! Here's a script from someone who signs his e-mail as "Chucky", even though his name is "Dave Higgs" and not... I dunno... Charles. Before you read, here's a few warnings:

It's long. Like, longer than my Woman in White abridged. Might be better-written too.
It's badly formatted.
When you're reading something this badly-formatted via e-mail, like I had, it's not really clear that it's a "script".

Enjoy!

Gil

Hey, look at me. I'm a dick who has nothing better to do than re-write broadway scripts and make fun of them because I probably have no friends. Oh yah, I also don't have any knowledge about broadway, musicals, acting, or anything of that sort. In fact, the only knowledge I have is that I know how to incorrectly make fun of amazing masterpieces because I have nothing better to do.

Website Viewers

Who is this dick? I was looking for clips of the scripts of my favorite plays, and then this dumb site came up. This guy must have no life.

They all exit the site and join broadway to see what stupid thing Gil can come up with.

Gil

Wait, come back...Idena Menzel sucks...hahaha.

Nobody comes back.

I thought I'd write a script, too. I don't care that you don't like broadway shows, and I don't know what you have against them, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't bother me that you hate them. But, honestly, you don't know anything about it, and I can tell because of the things you say. Sure, maybe you've read the synopsis of them all, or you've seen them all, but you don't know what you're talking about. So, I know this e-mail isn't going to affect anything, and you will still write these lame, not funny, plays making of broadway, but just think about what you are saying before you write it. Like, I don't know anything about you, so to say that you have no life etc. may not be accurate, but I was just trying to get a point across. So, if you don't like broadway, don't watch it, don't read the scripts, etc. If you really hate it why don't you just find something better to do with your free time, and take time to be nice to people, if you can. It doesn't seem that you know how to be nice. Anyway, enjoy making scripts because I know this e-mail won't get to your heart, so, enjoy life.

God Bless

Signed,

Chuckie

22 Comments

Anonymous | February 17, 2008 11:31 PM

wooow. what a douche. I mean, clearly it bothers him if he's writing this shit to you. eh, fuck him.I think you're hilars, Gil. it totes brightens my day when there's a new script. keep doing what you're doing!

Anonymous | February 17, 2008 11:57 PM

Wait...can someone explain to me how you "join/make of broadway"? Does he mean join Broadway Abridged/make fun of Broadway? Maybe? Can you even join Broadway Abridged? Or maybe it's the thing where you can get e-mailed for new scripts? Dammit now I'm all confused. I need some sleep.And way to spell "Idina" "Idena".

Anonymous | February 18, 2008 1:32 AM

Well first letâ€™s make sure that no one misses the irony in â€œSo, if you don't like broadway, don't watch it, don't read the scripts, etc.â€ As a huge broadway lover I think it's clear that the scripts come from a place of respect and at least a little admiration. No one needs to take themselves too seriously, and my guess would be that a lot of people involved with the shows in question would get a kick out of them. And really, how many masterpieces have we had in the past few years?

webcomix | February 18, 2008 8:26 AM

Whatevs 'chuckie'. Obviously, if someone has to go to the trouble of writing a parody script of something, an INTERESTING and DETAILED one at that, they've got to have adqequate knowledge about it. More often than not, it's the fans who know a lot about it. Haters can't be bothered to go look things up, because, well. If you hate it, then why on earth would you want to know every little thing about it?Anyway, I'd like to add that I have once recited nearly the entier Les Mis Abridged to a friend. He doesn't know anything about it apart that it's French, and he thought it was hilarious.

Gil | February 18, 2008 9:07 AM

All I know is, right now I'm trying to learn how to be nice, because I probably don't have any friends. Since nobody comes back, and all.

schizophrenic0 | February 18, 2008 5:29 PM

"They all exit the site and join broadway to see what stupid thing Gil can come up with."Wait...what?"the only knowledge I have is that I know how to incorrectly make fun of amazing masterpieces"...The Little Mermaid, In My Life, The Audience, Good Vibrations, Little Women, and Brooklyn are masterpieces now?Seriously, I kind of want to write my own script now. Mine would definitely be shorter:Chucky: I have no sense of humor. I probably only read the Wicked Abridgement and the fact that this guy didn't praise it and build a shrine to it got my panties in a twist. I will now insult him while simultaneously preaching to him about being nice to people. It doesn't bother me that this person has a sense of humor, and I will prove this by whining. A lot.Everyone else: *mocks*

Rebecca | February 18, 2008 8:22 PM

Ooooh someone needs a nap. I think you're hilarious Gil. Keep the scripts coming, and if you get any more hate mail, don't hesitate to post it. I love trolls.(P.S. Hi Schizophrenic0! I didn't know you read broadway abridged.)

Gil | February 18, 2008 9:31 PM

Aww guys, you all make me wish I got a little more hate mail. Not much more. Just a little. With one exception, people who send me hate-mail have always been a little on the crazy fanatic side. The exception was one guy who sent me a very courteous e-mail saying "I don't find your stuff funny, I'm curious if you really do hate Broadway." I responded just as courteously... I mean not everyone finds this stuff funny.Then a month or so later, he'd changed his mind. Because of the August: Osage County abridge, of all things....

The_Drowsy_Kaye | February 18, 2008 10:26 PM

It was actually "Rock 'n' Roll," but still the same basic concept.Up yours Chuckie.Keep up the good work Gil.

Gil | February 18, 2008 10:44 PM

Oh right, it was you!

The_Drowsy_Kaye | February 18, 2008 10:48 PM

That is correct sir.

Anonymous | February 19, 2008 2:52 AM

Lol, that's the funniest thing I've read in a week. Wait, it's kind of frightening as well. Literal people scare the crap out of me, actually.

Chuckie | February 19, 2008 3:44 PM

Yah, you guys are right. Up mine. I didn't know you guys would take this so seriuosly. I was just bored. Obviously Gil has to know about the shows. I do declare, though, "Interesting and Detailed" doesn't fit the definition for these. Sorry that I didn't know that these meant so much to you. I see that I am really the one who needs to be nice. And obviously if I don't enjoy these parodies then I don't have to come to this site. And whoever mocked me for spelling Idena with and 'i' instead of an 'e'...you can not ever say that you have never made a spelling error...stupid thing to make fun of me fore. But, I will go now, because nobody likes me here, haha. And just because people come back to this site does not make them your friends. Anyway, sorry for my offending. I really didn't know y'all took this so seriously.

Chuckie | February 19, 2008 3:59 PM

Look how I spelled for. I added an 'e'. Make fun of it. Haha...I just read my original e-mail. Haha. How funny is the things I said. Stupid. Up mine.

Anonymous | February 19, 2008 7:50 PM

Now for a musical break...Mad Magazine"The Sound of Mucus"Sung by Julie Andrews to the tune of "Doe a Deer"DOUGH means cash for all of us.RAY for musicals like this.ME a star so big that by FAR it will never ever miss.SO implicide is the plot.LA te da, although we know,TE dious it is alot,It will bring us lots of DOUGH DOUGH DOUGH DOUGH...:) Nick

Gil | February 21, 2008 9:39 AM

That was... pretty much the most random musical break ever...

Anonymous | February 24, 2008 5:56 PM

True...But I thought it fit the insanity of all that went before it.Was I supposed to paying attention to all that?lolN

mattbrain | March 12, 2008 3:48 PM

dude, Chuckie's an ass. You've spoofed the following shows that I love:Les MizLegally BlondeSpring AwakeningThe Light in the PiazzaDessa RoseSpamalotDirty Rotten ScoundrelsPacific OverturesThe Woman in WhiteBrooklynCaroline or ChangeAssassinsWickedand they are nothing short of hilarious. I sit there reading your stuff and think, "My God, he's right. My favorite shows have major flaws."So keep it up. can't wait for the Rent abridge.

Ave | March 29, 2008 7:13 PM

I would just like to state, for the record, that Gil has more friends than a 90-year-old, chain-smoking, cancer-ridden billionaire in the process of rewriting his will.

Zanzibar Smith | April 5, 2008 4:48 PM

The guy has a point. Vaguely speaking anyway. It's not that your "parodies" don't have potential. But for someone like myself, who prefers a much more subversive, subtle kind of humour. In writing at least (on stage or on TV or in film I'll laugh at any old crap). Just picking a random example the whole Mel Brooks having a big ego in your Young Frankenstein parody (personally I enjoyed Young Frankenstein. It's not a masterpiece but it is a good couple of hours of fun and currently the cast is strong enough to carry the show over any weak spots in the material, though personally I felt there were very little of these. Also I don't think Roger Bart mugs as much as you suggest but then I saw the show only recently. Perhaps he has fine tuned his performance/taken valium since you saw it? Anyway I'll stop this now before it turns into a full blown review!) I've met Mel Brooks and know for a fact he's one of the most humble men out there and even if I hadn't met him interviews with him make that very clear even if he does make the occassional joke which my subversive sense of humour instantly detects as an ironic joke.

Gil | April 7, 2008 8:30 PM

G:I'm not going to really disagree with you on anything. You very well may be right!However, I don't think the point you're making in your comment is that similar to those Chuckie was making...

Anonymous | April 15, 2008 5:38 PM

Gil, you have written some hilarious stuff, but I'm not sure that any of it can top that email.