Special thanks to American Edit for the soundclip.
AMERICAN IDIOT ABRIDGED
OR
THE SCRIPT THAT FITS IN THE LINER OF A CD JEWEL CASE
OR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ITS SO LOUD I CAN'T HEAR YOU
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Megan Avery
SCENE: GREEN DAY CONCERT, BACKSTAGE.
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
(singing)
...THE TI-IME OF YOUR LIFE!
Thank you, Walla Walla!
He exits offstage with Other Green Day
Bandmembers where he is confronted by
Michael Mayer.
(The director, not the Serial Killer.)
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Hey, Billy Joel!
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
That's not... who are you?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
I'm Broadway's Michael Mayer! You may remember me from such
productions as: Spring Awakening. Also, Spring Awakening:
The Tour!
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
You know, why are you dressed in an American Idiot T-Shirt,
an American Idiot Baseball Cap and, you know, pants fashioned
out of American Idiot Compact Discs?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
I also have your eyeliner!
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
You know, I know.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
I'm such a huge fan of you guys, Billy Joel. I don't know if
you read Variety or not, but I want to take the album
American Idiot and turn it into a Musical!
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
(correcting)
Rock opera.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Rock opera!
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
You know, we've always thought of American Idiot as a
Broadway, you know, Rock Opera. And not a film.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
REALLY!?!?!?
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
No, but I'm, you know, going to keep telling people that from
now on. You know, what do you think, band?
OTHER GREEN DAY BANDMEMBERS
OH MY GOD BILLIE JOE TALKED TO US! WE'LL NEVER WASH THESE
EARS AGAIN!
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
So what do you think the musical--
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Rock Opera.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
--Rock Opera would be about?
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Maybe things don't work out the way you think they'll work
out, or maybe that girl you feel like drunk dialing once in
awhile...
(trails off, smiles weirdly)
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
I have no idea what you're talking about but could you say
those exact words in an actual talkback someday after the
show?
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Yes, but let's not publicize the talkbacks very well.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Of course.
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
So, who are you getting to write the Book?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
............................................................
......................................
SCENE: A SET DESIGNED BY A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO WAS GIVEN TOO MANY
NEWSPAPERS TO PLAY WITH.
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
(addressing audience)
And now presenting a Broadway Rock Opera... IN TWO
DIMENSIONS!
AUDIENCE
Ooooooh!
Enter alumni of Spring Awakening, Hair,
Spring Awakening, Rent, Tommy (the
Tour) and Spring Awakening, wearing
jeans and hoodies.
COSTUME DESIGNER
ANDREA LAUER
I let them wear whatever they came in with today!
Just like in Our Town!
ENTIRE CAST
(singing, dancing like they
hafta pee)
DON'T WANNA BE AN AMERICAN IDIOT
DON'T WANNA (INAUDIBLE) (INAUDIBLE) NEW MEDIA
DON'T WANNA PAY
DON'T WANNA PAY
WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY
LAST YEAR'S RENT.
CAUSE IT'S THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS!
AQUARIUS!
ALSO PINBALL WIZARD.
CHOREOGRAPHER STEVEN HOGGETT
Now dance like you have epilepsy!
AUDIENCE
(being blinded by flashing
lights)
That can't be too hard.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Hi, I'm John Gallagher, Jr. on a case of Red Bull. I won the
Tony for Spring Awakening, but don't expect me to be
nominated for this unless they find a way to fit the words
"Frank Wedekind" into the playbill. And these are my
friends, Whiny Character #2 and Whiny Character #3.
SIDE-NOTE: we have now come to the
point in this Abridged Script where we
have six times the amount of dialogue
as the real show.
GUY NOT ON COUCH
John Gallagher, Jr. and Blonde Guy, let's all agree we love
Green Day Music and that we hate Bush.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Yeah, Green Day's the best.
And, I hate the way that society doesn't mesh with my desire
to LEECH off of it!
BLONDE GUY
And Bush sucks!
And I'm also against jobs, and war, and I'm not for anything
at all except for being against everything.
GUY NOT ON COUCH
What wonderful identifiable, sympathetic characters we'll
make without any hopes, dreams, or desires whatsoever.
Now let's go to the 7-11 and get beer, because that's what
people do in the suburbs!
BLONDE GUY
I'm in. But I'm also against society's insistence that we
have to pay for beer or even for the gas that we use to ride
to the 7-11.
GUY NOT ON COUCH
FUCK SOCIETY!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Hold on guys. Just writin' a letter to my bitch mom, who
lent us her stupid, tainted money for bus tickets outta this
stupid town that she bitchily lives in, supporting me all my
life. WHAT A BITCH SHE IS.
(writing)
Dearest mother. It's February 2nd, 9pm, Eastern Standard
Time. From here on in I shoot without a script. See if
anything comes from it, instead--
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
John, this isn't Rent.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
But I was born too late to *be* in Rent. Can't I just make
*this* Rent?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Maybe someday they'll revive it for you.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Can *you* revive it for me?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
No.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Can we call this "Rent: Lite"?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
No.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Can we rename Spring Awakening to "Rent: Lite"? And then we
can call this "Rent: Lite: Lite"?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Eh, do what you want. It's not like I have a clearer idea of
what's going on.
Everybody drinks beer to music instead
of dancing to music.
BLONDE GUY
Hey guys I have an idea, let's go to the BIG CITY... of
Portland? Or New York?
GUY NOT ON COUCH
Sure, I'm not on a couch or anything!
Enter White Girl via an onstage
bathroom.
SET DESIGNER CHRISTINE JONES
Yeah, about that onstage bathroom...
Originally we built it for the onstage seating we were
planning on having.
(barely-concealed excitement)
LIKE IN SPRING AWAKENING!
LIGHTING DESIGNER
KEVIN ADAMS
Unfortunately much of the onstage audience during previews
experienced epilepsy from the strobe lighting/flashing
screens/cast members shining flashlights directly into their
eyes.
OH ALSO I WAS INVOLVED WITH SPRING AWAKENING!
SET DESIGNER CHRISTINE JONES
Me too re: Spring Awakening! Just in case you couldn't tell!
LIGHTING DESIGNER
KEVIN ADAMS
And also for me, Spring Awakening, just in case you couldn't
tell!
WHITE GIRL
Ahem.
(singing to GUY NOT ON COUCH)
OH NO YOU DON'T GO OUT!
YOU'RE GROUNDED!
GUY NOT ON COUCH
What? What did you say? I can't understand a single damn
lyric in this thing.
WHITE GIRL
(intensely reading a pregnancy
test, like it's full of lots
of WORDS and not a COLOR)
I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY AND
oh no I ran out of my lines for the entire musical.
GUY NOT ON COUCH
Dammit.
He sits on the couch.
GUY ON COUCH
Well.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I AM NOW THE JESUS OF SUBERBIA! WHATEVER THAT MEANS!
He presses Track 2 on a Discman.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
LET'S SING A SONG THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE "SUMMER OF 69"!
BLONDE GUY
Huh?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Summer of 69... you know, this:
GUY ON COUCH
HA HA YOU SAID 69!
BLONDE GUY
YEAH, 69. If you'd gone that way, then maybe you could have
come with us to the city.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Have we mentioned how EDGY we are yet? Cuz, we are.
BLONDE GUY
THEN LET'S LITTER!
ENTIRE CAST
(doing so)
WOOOOOO!
Cast dances and sings Green Day music,
thus fulfilling the requirement that
there be at least one hot young dancing
cast on Broadway at any given moment.
Audience sits entirely still, worrying
if ushers will scold them if they even
consider head-bobbing.
SCENE: A SET DESIGNED BY A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO LEFT HIS
"CONSUMERIST.COM FLICKR PHOTOS" SCREENSAVER ON.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Here we are in the big expensive city! Now to not work
whilst affording an apartment, but not one-way busfare.
BLONDE GUY
Great! I'm going to nap and then watch TV.
Urbia is the best, Jesus!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I could have just left you home for that. I'm going to go
find an acoustic guitar to play and whine.
Everybody litters some more.
TVs play commercials. Like you Tivo'd
a bunch of shows, and did the opposite
of what most people do with fast
forwarding.
Suddenly, enter a black guy wearing
tighty whities.
BLONDE GUY
(watching TV)
What the fuck.
BLACK GUY IN HIS UNDERWEAR
Hello, blonde guy. Come, take off some of your clothes, and
ruminate with me how much this "joining the army" scene is a
ripoff of the one in the movie "Across the Universe".
Then, stare at my pecs and nipples.
BLONDE GUY
(very exaggerated channel
changing)
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY TELEVISION.
BLACK GUY IN HIS UNDERWEAR
Seriously, join the army. You hate Bush. So do it.
BLONDE GUY
YES I HATE BUSH! BUSH SUCKS!
ENTIRE CAST
REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN IT USED TO BE TO HATE BUSH?
BLONDE GUY
HATING BUSH IS FASHIONABLE!
(joins Army)
That'll show him.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Ah, here's a guitar!
(sings)
READ BETWEEN THE LINES,
I SING "FUCK", I FLAIL, IT FEELS SO NICE,
AND WHEN YOUR CHARACTER
IS FLAT, TO BEEF HIM UP YOU SING ALONE.
I SING ALONE
I SING ALONE
...
I SING ALONE
I SING A...
(speaking)
Hey Blonde guy, I wouldn't have to ballad-ize alone if you
would sing with me!....
....
Blonde guy?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Sorry, he went off to go join the army with a black fellow in
his underwear.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
OH! Well, I never knew that about him!
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
No... not in that way.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Who are you?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
I'm either REAL or a FIGMENT of your IMAGINATION, if you pay
close attention to an indiscernible lyric in Act One.
Of One.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I didn't ask that at all.
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
I'm some youth with a haircut that probably signifies EVIL.
I think I sell drugs, which makes me even MORE EVIL--
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
No I know you! Weren't you Judas-as-Billy-Idol in the last
revival of Jesus Christ Superstar?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Yes...
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
That was ten years ago! Jeez, how old *are* you?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Shh. See That Girl you've been staring at the past 7-8
minutes of libretto?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Libretto?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
I know you want to make out with that girl, so here are some
drugs.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I HAVE ACQUIRED THE POWER OF DRUGS!
THAT GIRL
WHICH MEANS I NOW WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU AND HAVE SEX WITH
YOU ALTHOUGH I HATE DRUGS!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
THANKS MINORITY GIRL, LET'S DO A CREEPY DANCE WITH HEROIN
TUBE TIES!
THAT GIRL
(trying Heroin)
I momentarily love this stuff! Wanna have platform sex like
in Spring Awakening?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Oh yeah, looks like Moritz is finally going to get laid!
THAT GIRL
YES! YES! YES! YES! oh I fell asleep.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Asleep? Good. I wrote a song for you that I want to sing to
you but only while you're asleep. Well, Billie Joe did.
(sings)
YOUR EYES
THE ONES THAT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE
CAN'T GET THEM OUT OF MY MIND
AND I FIND--
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
What did I say?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I guess I mix up Jonathan Larson and Green Day when I'm on
evil drugs.
SCENE: BACK WITH GUY ON COUCH.
More endless crap falls onto stage.
Paper, plastic bags, those plastic
rings that keep soda cans together...
Basically, if you threw it out in the
lobby before the show began, you can
bet it's on stage right now.
WHITE GIRL
(takes out baby)
(gesticulates wildly about how
she has a baby)
(shops some)
GUY ON COUCH
(smoking weed)
Oh... oh no... am I superglued to this couch? Am I going to
have to spend the rest of this musical--
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Rock Opera, you know?
GUY ON COUCH
...spend the rest of this Rock Opera on this couch,
eventually dying here?
WHITE GIRL
(is upset that Guy On Couch is
using Evil Marijuana)
(can't effectively communicate
her concerns because she is
out of dialogue, also, a
woman)
(walks out on him, taking baby
with her, who has been crying
because the music is so
insanely loud)
GUY ON COUCH
WHO LEAVES SUPERGLUE ON A COUCH?
SCENE: A SET DESIGNED BY A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO LEFT THE
DSTRUCTION SCENES OF "INDEPENDENCE DAY" RUNNING ON A LOOP.
BLONDE GUY WHO'S GOING TO GO
OFF TO WAR
I'm off to war.
He goes off to war, dancing and singing
and falling in love the whole way just
as people in wars do.
BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO
WAR
Dammit, I forgot that War Is Bad.
BLONDE GUY
Shit... am I deaf? DID THIS AWFULLY-LOUD MUSICAL--
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Critically Important Rock Opera--
BLONDE GUY
--MAKE ME GO DEAF?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
No Blonde Guy, the previous song was just really loud, and
now the stage is in total silence. Your ears are simply
doing that "thwong" thing.
He and three other veterans with war
casualties are now in a hospital,
singing awfully pretty counterpoint.
BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO
WAR
Yup. Looks like I lost a leg and WHAT THE FUCK IS
THAT?!?!?!?
ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN hovers down from
the rafters on extremely visible wires.
ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN
I AM FLYING AND WEARING MUSLIM CLOTHING BUT ALSO SEXY
CLOTHING LOOK HOW I AM PROBABLY A COMMENTARY ON SOMETHING!
BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO
WAR
Or, I'm falling in love with religious equality?
ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN
Whatever, let's you and I dance a ballroom dance in the air!
BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO
WAR
And let's have me missing one leg but suddenly having one for
this scene. And let's have you do an in-air strip routine
with Muslim clothes, just to make sure the St. James gets
bombed.
ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN
I just read the synopsis on Wikipedia and it says I'm a
nurse. Maybe I should have dressed like one instead of like
a GENIE.
They air-dance, brought to you Flying
By Foy's mentally-challenged cousin,
FLYING BY LESTER.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I'm impressed, Michael Mayer, that you've cast two of the
three female leads as minorities. Good job on the diversity.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Yes... It was definitely Diversity, not the fact that only
minority women can successfully sing Green Day.
Yep, Diversity.
I love Diversity.
SCENE: GUY ON COUCH.
GUY ON COUCH
Peanut butter isn't working... ice cubes aren't working...
FOR GOD'S SAKE DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO UNSTICK
SUPERGLUE?!?!?
What if I have to pee?
SCENE: JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. IS DRUGGED OUT.
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Come on, Johnny, stop focusing on That Girl and focus on
these drugs that I have! You're not in love with her, she's
barely said a word, and you can't even remember her name.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Sure I can. It's...
It's...
Whatever.
Dude, remember when we sang "Holiday"? Before the "oh wow
they're performing Green Day songs" bit got tired?
THAT GIRL
John Gallagher Jr., I used to take drugs with you, but now
I'm ANGRY at you for taking drugs and I'm leaving you. Who
wants to sing "Twenty One Guns" as if it were "Somewhere Out
There"?
This HAPPENS.
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Hey everybody look it's A BUNCH OF GANGMEMBERS IN HOODIES!
And now, I may or may not be killing myself! AM I REAL OR A
HALLUCINATION?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Isn't your character just Judas from "Superstar" again?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Does Judas sing "DO YOU KNOW YOUR ENEMY"?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Sounds about right.
ENTIRE CAST
(sings)
(ignores "diction")
DAYANAYAR EH AH EE
DAYANAYAR EH AH EE
DAYANAYAR EH AH EE AH EE
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
Um... I gotta go John. I have, uh... a family emergency.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Tony Vincent, does your "family emergency" have anything to
do with Billie Joe Armstrong standing over there in the same
costume as you, glaring in your general direction?
TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK
No, it's... uh...
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
(motions for Tony Vincent to
get offstage, menacingly)
NOW, TONY.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
...
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
You can do quite a lot when you make more in one day of, you
know, residuals than a theatre producer does in, you know, an
entire Broadway run.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Can somebody somewhere in this production please, for all
that is good and just, explain to me what on earth is going
on? There's five minutes left and I still have zero idea.
John Gallagher, Jr. spends time
contemplating whether he should come
back on Closed Captioning night while
he is suddenly surrounded by...
Men Wearing TIes!
MEN WEARING TIES
Now you have a desk job! Now you're a sellout!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
OH NO AAAAAGGHHHH. I'm working in office, instead of what I
really want to do, which is... um...
What on earth is it that I want to do?
Oh yeah!
(sings)
I SOLD MY GUITAR AND BOUGHT A CAR, IT'S TRUE
I'M LEAVING NOW FOR SANTA FE, YOU--
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Again, that's Rent.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I SOLD MY GUITAR AND BOUGHT A BUS TICKET.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Much better.
The three friends get together to learn
how each other has changed and grown.
BLONDE GUY
(not really looking like he
lost a leg)
Hey friends, it's good to see you guys! I lost a leg!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I kicked a drug habit!
GUY NOT ON COUCH
I got off the couch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Turns out, I just had to take my pants off.
They all hug.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Well, what's the logical conclusion to this?
GUY NOT ON COUCH
Break the fourth wall and sing Time of Your Life?
BLONDE GUY
I CALL TIMPANI!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
No: War Vet, Office Drone, Guy on Couch-- let's form a band!
GUY NOT ON COUCH
We could call ourselves Stuck On Couch!
BLONDE GUY
Or, this could be the genesis story of a band called GREEN
DAY!
GUY NOT ON COUCH
I don't know. I envision that years from now, Stuck On Couch
is going to be huge, writing Musicals--
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
You know, you know, you know--
GUY NOT ON COUCH
Sure, Rock Operas.
They all start playing hit radio songs,
because all Rock Operas are just
stories about how rock bands form.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
And so, my mom was right. I *am* an idiot....
An *American* Idiot.
I'm sorry, do I have to say that with a straight face?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Well yes, it's the conclusion your character comes to.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Really? But in Hair, it's a generation who are hoping for
peace in a time of war.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Right.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
And in Rent, it's a bunch of artists who really want to make
art.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Rule of threes says your next line is about to make a point.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
So in this show, it's a bunch of kids who are cranky that Mom
gave them bus fare money.
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
I AM THE FUTURE OF MUSICAL THEATER!
You know, you know, you know, what do you guys think of the
title "DOOKIE: A MUSICAL FANTASIA"?
BLACKOUT.
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