Special thanks to American Edit for the soundclip.
AMERICAN IDIOT ABRIDGED OR THE SCRIPT THAT FITS IN THE LINER OF A CD JEWEL CASE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ITS SO LOUD I CAN'T HEAR YOU
A "Broadway Abridged" Script By Gil Varod and Megan Avery SCENE: GREEN DAY CONCERT, BACKSTAGE. BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG (singing) ...THE TI-IME OF YOUR LIFE! Thank you, Walla Walla! He exits offstage with Other Green Day Bandmembers where he is confronted by Michael Mayer. (The director, not the Serial Killer.) DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Hey, Billy Joel! BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG That's not... who are you? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER I'm Broadway's Michael Mayer! You may remember me from such productions as: Spring Awakening. Also, Spring Awakening: The Tour! BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG You know, why are you dressed in an American Idiot T-Shirt, an American Idiot Baseball Cap and, you know, pants fashioned out of American Idiot Compact Discs? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER I also have your eyeliner! BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG You know, I know. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER I'm such a huge fan of you guys, Billy Joel. I don't know if you read Variety or not, but I want to take the album American Idiot and turn it into a Musical! BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG (correcting) Rock opera. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Rock opera! BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG You know, we've always thought of American Idiot as a Broadway, you know, Rock Opera. And not a film. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER REALLY!?!?!? BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG No, but I'm, you know, going to keep telling people that from now on. You know, what do you think, band? OTHER GREEN DAY BANDMEMBERS OH MY GOD BILLIE JOE TALKED TO US! WE'LL NEVER WASH THESE EARS AGAIN! DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER So what do you think the musical-- BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG Rock Opera. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER --Rock Opera would be about? BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG Maybe things don't work out the way you think they'll work out, or maybe that girl you feel like drunk dialing once in awhile... (trails off, smiles weirdly) DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER I have no idea what you're talking about but could you say those exact words in an actual talkback someday after the show? BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG Yes, but let's not publicize the talkbacks very well. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Of course. BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG So, who are you getting to write the Book? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER ............................................................ ...................................... SCENE: A SET DESIGNED BY A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO WAS GIVEN TOO MANY NEWSPAPERS TO PLAY WITH. BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG (addressing audience) And now presenting a Broadway Rock Opera... IN TWO DIMENSIONS! AUDIENCE Ooooooh! Enter alumni of Spring Awakening, Hair, Spring Awakening, Rent, Tommy (the Tour) and Spring Awakening, wearing jeans and hoodies. COSTUME DESIGNER ANDREA LAUER I let them wear whatever they came in with today! Just like in Our Town! ENTIRE CAST (singing, dancing like they hafta pee) DON'T WANNA BE AN AMERICAN IDIOT DON'T WANNA (INAUDIBLE) (INAUDIBLE) NEW MEDIA DON'T WANNA PAY DON'T WANNA PAY WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY LAST YEAR'S RENT. CAUSE IT'S THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS! AQUARIUS! ALSO PINBALL WIZARD. CHOREOGRAPHER STEVEN HOGGETT Now dance like you have epilepsy! AUDIENCE (being blinded by flashing lights) That can't be too hard.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Hi, I'm John Gallagher, Jr. on a case of Red Bull. I won the Tony for Spring Awakening, but don't expect me to be nominated for this unless they find a way to fit the words "Frank Wedekind" into the playbill. And these are my friends, Whiny Character #2 and Whiny Character #3.
SIDE-NOTE: we have now come to the point in this Abridged Script where we have six times the amount of dialogue as the real show.
GUY NOT ON COUCH John Gallagher, Jr. and Blonde Guy, let's all agree we love Green Day Music and that we hate Bush. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Yeah, Green Day's the best. And, I hate the way that society doesn't mesh with my desire to LEECH off of it! BLONDE GUY And Bush sucks! And I'm also against jobs, and war, and I'm not for anything at all except for being against everything. GUY NOT ON COUCH What wonderful identifiable, sympathetic characters we'll make without any hopes, dreams, or desires whatsoever. Now let's go to the 7-11 and get beer, because that's what people do in the suburbs! BLONDE GUY I'm in. But I'm also against society's insistence that we have to pay for beer or even for the gas that we use to ride to the 7-11. GUY NOT ON COUCH FUCK SOCIETY! JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Hold on guys. Just writin' a letter to my bitch mom, who lent us her stupid, tainted money for bus tickets outta this stupid town that she bitchily lives in, supporting me all my life. WHAT A BITCH SHE IS. (writing) Dearest mother. It's February 2nd, 9pm, Eastern Standard Time. From here on in I shoot without a script. See if anything comes from it, instead-- DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER John, this isn't Rent. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. But I was born too late to *be* in Rent. Can't I just make *this* Rent? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Maybe someday they'll revive it for you. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Can *you* revive it for me? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER No. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Can we call this "Rent: Lite"? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER No. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Can we rename Spring Awakening to "Rent: Lite"? And then we can call this "Rent: Lite: Lite"? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Eh, do what you want. It's not like I have a clearer idea of what's going on. Everybody drinks beer to music instead of dancing to music. BLONDE GUY Hey guys I have an idea, let's go to the BIG CITY... of Portland? Or New York? GUY NOT ON COUCH Sure, I'm not on a couch or anything! Enter White Girl via an onstage bathroom. SET DESIGNER CHRISTINE JONES Yeah, about that onstage bathroom... Originally we built it for the onstage seating we were planning on having. (barely-concealed excitement) LIKE IN SPRING AWAKENING! LIGHTING DESIGNER KEVIN ADAMS Unfortunately much of the onstage audience during previews experienced epilepsy from the strobe lighting/flashing screens/cast members shining flashlights directly into their eyes. OH ALSO I WAS INVOLVED WITH SPRING AWAKENING! SET DESIGNER CHRISTINE JONES Me too re: Spring Awakening! Just in case you couldn't tell! LIGHTING DESIGNER KEVIN ADAMS And also for me, Spring Awakening, just in case you couldn't tell! WHITE GIRL Ahem. (singing to GUY NOT ON COUCH) OH NO YOU DON'T GO OUT! YOU'RE GROUNDED! GUY NOT ON COUCH What? What did you say? I can't understand a single damn lyric in this thing. WHITE GIRL (intensely reading a pregnancy test, like it's full of lots of WORDS and not a COLOR) I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY AND oh no I ran out of my lines for the entire musical. GUY NOT ON COUCH Dammit. He sits on the couch. GUY ON COUCH Well. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I AM NOW THE JESUS OF SUBERBIA! WHATEVER THAT MEANS! He presses Track 2 on a Discman. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. LET'S SING A SONG THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE "SUMMER OF 69"! BLONDE GUY Huh? JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Summer of 69... you know, this:
GUY ON COUCH HA HA YOU SAID 69! BLONDE GUY YEAH, 69. If you'd gone that way, then maybe you could have come with us to the city. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Have we mentioned how EDGY we are yet? Cuz, we are. BLONDE GUY THEN LET'S LITTER! ENTIRE CAST (doing so) WOOOOOO! Cast dances and sings Green Day music, thus fulfilling the requirement that there be at least one hot young dancing cast on Broadway at any given moment. Audience sits entirely still, worrying if ushers will scold them if they even consider head-bobbing. SCENE: A SET DESIGNED BY A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO LEFT HIS "CONSUMERIST.COM FLICKR PHOTOS" SCREENSAVER ON. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Here we are in the big expensive city! Now to not work whilst affording an apartment, but not one-way busfare. BLONDE GUY Great! I'm going to nap and then watch TV. Urbia is the best, Jesus! JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I could have just left you home for that. I'm going to go find an acoustic guitar to play and whine. Everybody litters some more. TVs play commercials. Like you Tivo'd a bunch of shows, and did the opposite of what most people do with fast forwarding. Suddenly, enter a black guy wearing tighty whities. BLONDE GUY (watching TV) What the fuck. BLACK GUY IN HIS UNDERWEAR Hello, blonde guy. Come, take off some of your clothes, and ruminate with me how much this "joining the army" scene is a ripoff of the one in the movie "Across the Universe". Then, stare at my pecs and nipples. BLONDE GUY (very exaggerated channel changing) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY TELEVISION. BLACK GUY IN HIS UNDERWEAR Seriously, join the army. You hate Bush. So do it. BLONDE GUY YES I HATE BUSH! BUSH SUCKS! ENTIRE CAST REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN IT USED TO BE TO HATE BUSH? BLONDE GUY HATING BUSH IS FASHIONABLE! (joins Army) That'll show him. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Ah, here's a guitar! (sings) READ BETWEEN THE LINES, I SING "FUCK", I FLAIL, IT FEELS SO NICE, AND WHEN YOUR CHARACTER IS FLAT, TO BEEF HIM UP YOU SING ALONE. I SING ALONE I SING ALONE ... I SING ALONE I SING A... (speaking) Hey Blonde guy, I wouldn't have to ballad-ize alone if you would sing with me!.... .... Blonde guy? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Sorry, he went off to go join the army with a black fellow in his underwear. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. OH! Well, I never knew that about him! TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK No... not in that way. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Who are you? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK I'm either REAL or a FIGMENT of your IMAGINATION, if you pay close attention to an indiscernible lyric in Act One. Of One. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I didn't ask that at all. TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK I'm some youth with a haircut that probably signifies EVIL. I think I sell drugs, which makes me even MORE EVIL-- JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. No I know you! Weren't you Judas-as-Billy-Idol in the last revival of Jesus Christ Superstar? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Yes... JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. That was ten years ago! Jeez, how old *are* you? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Shh. See That Girl you've been staring at the past 7-8 minutes of libretto? JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Libretto? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK I know you want to make out with that girl, so here are some drugs. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I HAVE ACQUIRED THE POWER OF DRUGS! THAT GIRL WHICH MEANS I NOW WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU ALTHOUGH I HATE DRUGS! JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. THANKS MINORITY GIRL, LET'S DO A CREEPY DANCE WITH HEROIN TUBE TIES! THAT GIRL (trying Heroin) I momentarily love this stuff! Wanna have platform sex like in Spring Awakening? JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Oh yeah, looks like Moritz is finally going to get laid! THAT GIRL YES! YES! YES! YES! oh I fell asleep. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Asleep? Good. I wrote a song for you that I want to sing to you but only while you're asleep. Well, Billie Joe did. (sings) YOUR EYES THE ONES THAT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE CAN'T GET THEM OUT OF MY MIND AND I FIND-- DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER What did I say? JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I guess I mix up Jonathan Larson and Green Day when I'm on evil drugs. SCENE: BACK WITH GUY ON COUCH. More endless crap falls onto stage. Paper, plastic bags, those plastic rings that keep soda cans together... Basically, if you threw it out in the lobby before the show began, you can bet it's on stage right now. WHITE GIRL (takes out baby) (gesticulates wildly about how she has a baby) (shops some) GUY ON COUCH (smoking weed) Oh... oh no... am I superglued to this couch? Am I going to have to spend the rest of this musical-- BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG Rock Opera, you know? GUY ON COUCH ...spend the rest of this Rock Opera on this couch, eventually dying here? WHITE GIRL (is upset that Guy On Couch is using Evil Marijuana) (can't effectively communicate her concerns because she is out of dialogue, also, a woman) (walks out on him, taking baby with her, who has been crying because the music is so insanely loud) GUY ON COUCH WHO LEAVES SUPERGLUE ON A COUCH? SCENE: A SET DESIGNED BY A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO LEFT THE DSTRUCTION SCENES OF "INDEPENDENCE DAY" RUNNING ON A LOOP. BLONDE GUY WHO'S GOING TO GO OFF TO WAR I'm off to war. He goes off to war, dancing and singing and falling in love the whole way just as people in wars do. BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO WAR Dammit, I forgot that War Is Bad.
BLONDE GUY Shit... am I deaf? DID THIS AWFULLY-LOUD MUSICAL-- BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG Critically Important Rock Opera-- BLONDE GUY --MAKE ME GO DEAF? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER No Blonde Guy, the previous song was just really loud, and now the stage is in total silence. Your ears are simply doing that "thwong" thing. He and three other veterans with war casualties are now in a hospital, singing awfully pretty counterpoint. BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO WAR Yup. Looks like I lost a leg and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!? ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN hovers down from the rafters on extremely visible wires. ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN I AM FLYING AND WEARING MUSLIM CLOTHING BUT ALSO SEXY CLOTHING LOOK HOW I AM PROBABLY A COMMENTARY ON SOMETHING! BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO WAR Or, I'm falling in love with religious equality? ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN Whatever, let's you and I dance a ballroom dance in the air! BLONDE GUY WHO WENT OFF TO WAR And let's have me missing one leg but suddenly having one for this scene. And let's have you do an in-air strip routine with Muslim clothes, just to make sure the St. James gets bombed. ANOTHER MINORITY WOMAN I just read the synopsis on Wikipedia and it says I'm a nurse. Maybe I should have dressed like one instead of like a GENIE. They air-dance, brought to you Flying By Foy's mentally-challenged cousin, FLYING BY LESTER. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I'm impressed, Michael Mayer, that you've cast two of the three female leads as minorities. Good job on the diversity. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Yes... It was definitely Diversity, not the fact that only minority women can successfully sing Green Day. Yep, Diversity. I love Diversity. SCENE: GUY ON COUCH. GUY ON COUCH Peanut butter isn't working... ice cubes aren't working... FOR GOD'S SAKE DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO UNSTICK SUPERGLUE?!?!? What if I have to pee? SCENE: JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. IS DRUGGED OUT. TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Come on, Johnny, stop focusing on That Girl and focus on these drugs that I have! You're not in love with her, she's barely said a word, and you can't even remember her name. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Sure I can. It's... It's... Whatever. Dude, remember when we sang "Holiday"? Before the "oh wow they're performing Green Day songs" bit got tired? THAT GIRL John Gallagher Jr., I used to take drugs with you, but now I'm ANGRY at you for taking drugs and I'm leaving you. Who wants to sing "Twenty One Guns" as if it were "Somewhere Out There"? This HAPPENS. TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Hey everybody look it's A BUNCH OF GANGMEMBERS IN HOODIES! And now, I may or may not be killing myself! AM I REAL OR A HALLUCINATION? JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Isn't your character just Judas from "Superstar" again? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Does Judas sing "DO YOU KNOW YOUR ENEMY"? JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Sounds about right. ENTIRE CAST (sings) (ignores "diction") DAYANAYAR EH AH EE DAYANAYAR EH AH EE DAYANAYAR EH AH EE AH EE TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK Um... I gotta go John. I have, uh... a family emergency. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Tony Vincent, does your "family emergency" have anything to do with Billie Joe Armstrong standing over there in the same costume as you, glaring in your general direction? TONY VINCENT WITH A SIDEHAWK No, it's... uh... BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG (motions for Tony Vincent to get offstage, menacingly) NOW, TONY. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. ... BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG You can do quite a lot when you make more in one day of, you know, residuals than a theatre producer does in, you know, an entire Broadway run. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Can somebody somewhere in this production please, for all that is good and just, explain to me what on earth is going on? There's five minutes left and I still have zero idea. John Gallagher, Jr. spends time contemplating whether he should come back on Closed Captioning night while he is suddenly surrounded by... Men Wearing TIes! MEN WEARING TIES Now you have a desk job! Now you're a sellout! JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. OH NO AAAAAGGHHHH. I'm working in office, instead of what I really want to do, which is... um... What on earth is it that I want to do? Oh yeah! (sings) I SOLD MY GUITAR AND BOUGHT A CAR, IT'S TRUE I'M LEAVING NOW FOR SANTA FE, YOU-- DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Again, that's Rent. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I SOLD MY GUITAR AND BOUGHT A BUS TICKET. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Much better. The three friends get together to learn how each other has changed and grown. BLONDE GUY (not really looking like he lost a leg) Hey friends, it's good to see you guys! I lost a leg! JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. I kicked a drug habit! GUY NOT ON COUCH I got off the couch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Turns out, I just had to take my pants off. They all hug. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Well, what's the logical conclusion to this? GUY NOT ON COUCH Break the fourth wall and sing Time of Your Life? BLONDE GUY I CALL TIMPANI! JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. No: War Vet, Office Drone, Guy on Couch-- let's form a band! GUY NOT ON COUCH We could call ourselves Stuck On Couch! BLONDE GUY Or, this could be the genesis story of a band called GREEN DAY! GUY NOT ON COUCH I don't know. I envision that years from now, Stuck On Couch is going to be huge, writing Musicals-- BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG You know, you know, you know-- GUY NOT ON COUCH Sure, Rock Operas. They all start playing hit radio songs, because all Rock Operas are just stories about how rock bands form. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. And so, my mom was right. I *am* an idiot.... An *American* Idiot. I'm sorry, do I have to say that with a straight face? DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Well yes, it's the conclusion your character comes to. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. Really? But in Hair, it's a generation who are hoping for peace in a time of war. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Right. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. And in Rent, it's a bunch of artists who really want to make art. DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER Rule of threes says your next line is about to make a point. JOHN GALLAGHER, JR. So in this show, it's a bunch of kids who are cranky that Mom gave them bus fare money. BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG I AM THE FUTURE OF MUSICAL THEATER! You know, you know, you know, what do you guys think of the title "DOOKIE: A MUSICAL FANTASIA"? BLACKOUT.