The Little Mermaid: Abridged

                             THE LITTLE MERMAID ABRIDGED
                                         OR
               "WELL, AFTER ALADDIN, I GUESS WE HAVE TO CLOSE UP SHOP"
                             A Broadway Abridged Script
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: THE THEATER WHERE "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" DIED.


                                   Overture plays.


                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                          (applauding overture)
            Yaaay!


                                   GUY IN FRONT OF ME AT THE
                                   PERFORMANCE I WENT TO
                          (singing to overture, out loud)
            LA DA DA DEE,
            I WANNA BE
            PART OF YOUR WORLD!


                                   HIS FAMILY
                          (amused!)


                                   EVERYONE ELSE
                          (not amused in the slightest)


                                   Curtain rises on a sailing ship.


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            Prince Eric, ever since your FATHER DIED...


                                   PREREQUISITE THAT A 
                                   A PARENT MUST BE DEAD
                                   IN ALL DISNEY MUSICALS
            Check!


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            ...it's been my duty to make sure that you are married by
            your TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY. 
            Now anybody can see that you're obviously thirty years old or
            more, but we'll let that slide and focus on the fact that YOU
            HAD BETTER HONOR YOUR FATHER'S DYING WISHES TO GET MARRIED so
            you can be king.


                                   PRINCE ERIC
                          (high voice)
            Wait, if I'm not King until I get married,
                          (even HIGHER voice)
            Who's been King in the meanwhile?


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            Holy shit Prince Eric is a tenor!?!?!?!?


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            Well why are you British?  Isn't Little Mermaid a Danish
            story?


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            Nobody REALLY knows!


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            Actually, in 1836, the Danish author Hans Christian Andersen--


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            GET MARRIED BY YOUR TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY OR ELSE 
            [VAGUE THREAT GOES HERE]!






            SCENE: IT LOOKS LIKE SHAMU THREW UP.


                                   Enter Norm Lewis and a bunch of other
                                   "mermaids" on Heelys, their legs hidden
                                   by water-colored dresses and their
                                   tails moving behind them.


                                   Heelys?  


                                   Oh, They're these wheels on the back of
                                   children's sneakers that let them sort
                                   of skate, manufactured by a company who
                                   must have a hell of a legal team to
                                   effectively hide every single case of
                                   these things hurting children.


                                   COSTUME DESIGNER 
                                   TATIANA NOGINOVA
            With the subtle representation the Heelys provide, you stop
            noticing their use pretty quickly!


                                   Oh, if only that could be true for,
                                   say, the costumes...


                                   Enter Norm Lewis, who has been working
                                   out!  


                                   Good for you, Norm.  Now put on a damn
                                   shirt.


                                   NORM LEWIS
            Everybody, it's time to begin our celebration over the
            triumph of the war where the Sea-Witch Ursula was banished...


                                   BACKSTORY
            Wow, look at that, I'm being further develo--


                                   NORM LEWIS
            ...which I will never delve deeper into or mention again.


                                   BACKSTORY
            Dang.


                                   NORM LEWIS
            Also, my wife died from it or something.


                                   PREREQUISITE THAT A 
                                   A PARENT MUST BE DEAD
                                   IN ALL DISNEY CARTOONS
            Wow, it is a very happy day for me indeed!


                                   NORM LEWIS
                          (accentuates his abs some more,
                           then shouts:)
            Let's get out that little crab or lobster or whatever it is. 
            SEBASTIAN!


                                   Enter black guy with a red tophat and
                                   claws.


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
            No mon, no claws.  Just da red gloves.


                                   NORM LEWIS
            Who the hell are you?


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
                          (in an "almost-jamaican"
                           accent)
            Hold on, Triton is Black?  But Ariel's white!  Won't that
            confuse da kids?


                                   BOOKWRITER DOUG WRIGHT
                          (entering)
            Oh don't worry... In this version Ursula--a multi tentacled
            something or rather--is Triton's sister.  


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
                          (to Norm Lewis)
            Perhaps you were da products of Posdeidon gettin' it on wit a
            giant squid, ya mon?


                                   NORM LEWIS
            That's just disgusting.






            SCENE: THE SHORE...


                                   ...which looks like a cellophane
                                   monster threw up.


                                   Enter a girl in a clamshell bra.


                                   Little boys in the audience (who were
                                   dragged to this by their parents) are
                                   suddenly enjoying this show for reasons
                                   they won't understand.


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
                          (sings a new song)
            HOW I WISH I COULD BE IN THE WORLD ABOVE
            I WANT TO BE IN THE WORLD ABOVE
            I WANT
            I WANT
            THIS IS MY I WANT SONG
            AND "PART OF YOUR WORLD"
            IS GOING TO BE RATHER SUPERFLUOUS
            WITH THIS CRAPPY SONG HAVING BEEN INSERTED BEFORE.


                                   LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
            Hi Ariel!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Who are you?


                                   LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
            Flounder.


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Oh.  I thought you were a homeless kid.


                                   LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
            Nope, just my crappy costuming.


                                   Enter a "seagull".


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Hello old creepy man.  


                                   SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
                                   ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE 
                                   A SEAGULL
            Hello, Ariel!  Hello, Spongebob Squarepants!


                                   LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
            I am Flounder.


                                   SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
                                   ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE 
                                   A SEAGULL
            I bet you are!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Ugly, ugly I-don't-know-what-you-are, I figured you could
            recite the funny little routine where the seagull tells me 
            that a fork is for combing the hair.


                                   SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
                                   ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE 
                                   A SEAGULL
            I can!  By heart!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Great.


                                   SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
                                   ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE 
                                   A SEAGULL
            But I thought now would be a good time to appeal to the Monty
            Python and Young Frankenstein fans.


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            ...in a Disney show?


                                   SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
                                   ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE 
                                   A SEAGULL
            Sure, it's not hard.  We'll just stretch out this
            Dinglehopper dialogue into a SONG THAT STRETCHES OUT A GAG
            WHICH WORKED BETTER IN THE MOVIE!


                                   TO "PYTHON" A SONG
            Hey, I just might be a new verb!


                                   The rest of cast comes out, looking a
                                   lot like a cotton factory threw up.


                                   The point being made here is, if you do
                                   decide to see this show, you might want
                                   to bring a vomit bag.






            SCENE: URSULA'S LAIR.


                                   Which is decorated in... 


                                   Oh come on what the hell color palette
                                   IS this?


                                   SCENIC DESIGNER 
                                   GEORGE TSYPIN
            What's a color palette?


                                   Sigh.  Enter Sherie Rene Scott attached
                                   to a platform.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Gay guy from Altar Boyz, Black guy from Spelling Bee, help me
            out: I need an opening villain introduction song!  


                                   GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ
            How about "Poor unfortunate souls".


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            I can't... Ariel isn't here yet.


                                   BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
            What about the song where you convince Ariel to... Oh right,
            that's Poor Unfortunate Souls, isn't it.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            `Tis.


                                   GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST 
                                   WHO REPLACED THE LATE 
                                   GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
                          (entering)
            How about a song that talks about how much you miss the year
            1940?


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            What does that have to do with anything?


                                   GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST 
                                   WHO REPLACED THE LATE 
                                   GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
            I don't know, it's a trunk song I had laying around from a
            musical about Chita Rivera missing the year 1940 or god knows
            what.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            What?


                                   GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST 
                                   WHO REPLACED THE LATE 
                                   GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
            Sing it.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Fine.
                          (sings)
            I WANT THE GOOD TIMES BACK, I WANT--
                          (pauses)
            Why am I tied down to this platform?


                                   COSTUME DESIGNER 
                                   TATIANA NOGINOVA
            I think they represent your tentacles.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            I have tentacles?


                                   COSTUME DESIGNER 
                                   TATIANA NOGINOVA
            Sure... Wasn't that obvious?  Just ask your two eel henchmen.


                                   Silence.


                                   GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ AND
                                   BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
            WE'RE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT EELS?






            SCENE: A WASTE OF TEN MINUTES THAT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
            IF HOWARD ASHMAN WAS STILL ALIVE.


                                   ARIEL'S SISTERS
                          (singing)
            SHE'S IN LOVE
            SHE'S IN LOVE
            SHE'S IN LOVE
            SHE'S IN LOVE
            SHE'S IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL GUY!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
                          (smiling, to audience)
            See?  Disney is concerned with role-models; they've cast some
            of my sisters as NOT overly-thin girls.  In fact, one of them
            is downright big-boned!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oh?  Well how much do you weigh?


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
                          (small voice)
            ...sixty three pounds...


                                   NORM LEWIS
            ARIEL!  You are far too skinny to go up to the surface alone! 
            Also something something something your mother's voice.  The
            human world is a dangerous place, where the sets are slightly
            better and the costuming doesn't force you to guess!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            But father, I'm in love with a tenor who's trying to pass
            himself off as Prince Eric!  And the only way I can get him
            to love me back is if you could use your magic to grant me--


                                   NORM LEWIS
            Legs?  No, I will not--


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Actually he doesn't really care about legs.  He says he'll be
            fine so long as I have a vagina.






            SCENE: THE END OF PART OF YOUR WORLD.


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
                          (it starts from the bridge,
                           people)
            WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE
            TO PLAY THIS PART
            UP HERE ON BROADWAY
 
            HEY LITTLE GIRLS
            I GOT THIS PART
            AND YOU DID NOT
 
            I AM LIKE YOU
            WHEN I WAS TWELVE
            I WANTED TO BE ARIEL
            NOW I *AM* HER
            YOU ARE *NOT* HER
            THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SAD!
 
            OR...
                          (final verse now)
            MAYBE YOU'RE SAD CAUSE I'M JUST OKAY
            SERIOUSLY, WASN'T KERRY BUTLER
            SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS PART, HOW COME SHE'S NOT?


                                   FORBIDDEN BROADWAY'S 
                                   GERARD ALESSANDRINI
            I said stop that.


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            UP WHERE THEY SING
            UP WHERE THEY ACT
            I'M NOT QUITE AS GOOD AS ALL THAT
            I'M JUST OKAY
            YOU HAVE NO CHOICE
            I'M PART OF YOUR WORLD!


                                   Audience claps because they love this
                                   song.


                                   But really, the audience would have
                                   clapped if the damn song was farted out
                                   by a fat man.






            SCENE: UNDER THE SEA.


                                   The set is adorned with... 


                                   Wait are those Underwater Bongs?!?


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
            You don't want to go up to the surface, you want to stay
            here, where we have LOTS OF DA FISHIES!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Later you're going to have to explain to me how you're so
            adept at wavering in and out of a Jamaican accent within a
            single sentence.


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
            Mon--


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            You just sing your song, I'll jet out of here in the first
            ten seconds k?


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
                          (singing)
            Under D.C.!
            Under D.C.!


                                   Wow, a bunch of marine creatures swim
                                   by in some stupid carousel-like things,
                                   and your job is to figure out what they
                                   are!


                                   No, this isn't like Circle of Life in
                                   Lion King, where it was cool that some
                                   wooden thing was a gazelle.  
                                   It's a lot more subjective here.  
                                   More of a:


                                   CHILD IN AUDIENCE
            Mommy what is that?


                                   MOMMY IN AUDIENCE
            I think it's a vomit fish.


                                   CHILD IN AUDIENCE
            Mommy, can we get a vomit fish to take home?


                                   DISNEY SALESCLERK (IN LOBBY)
            WHY YES WE SELL THAT!






            SCENE: UP WHERE THEY WALK.


                                   Prince Eric is walking on the sand.


                                   PRINCE ERIC
                          (voice practically cracking)
            Oh that girl, with the red hair and the voice and the
            clamshell bra... how I long for her clamshell bra!	
                          (pause)
            But singing about her voice would provide a much better lyric
            I'm sure.


                                   He sings a brand new song about how her
                                   voice has enthralled her.


                                   COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
            See Glenn?  Sometimes it's okay to write a really, really
            wonderful song with purpose that moves a plot!


                                   GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST 
                                   WHO REPLACED THE LATE 
                                   GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
            You're right!  YOU'RE RIGHT!






            SCENE: EELS GET ARIEL TO GO TO URSULA'S LAIR.


                                   GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ
            We can help you, Ariel!


                                   BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
            Yesss, we can help you!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Why can two gay eels help me?


                                   BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
            WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAY EELS!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Bullshit.


                                   GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ AND
                                   BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
                          (real lyrics)
            SWEET CHILD...
            SO TRAGIC SO MISUNDERSTOOD
            DEAR CHILD...
            LIFE'S LOOKING SHALL WE SAY NOT GOOD.


                                   COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
                          (smacks Glenn Slater)
            Dammit, what did I just tell you?






            SCENE: SHERIE RENE SCOTT SINGS "POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS".


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
                          (singing, hamming it up)
            I ADMIT THAT IN THE PAST I'VE BEEN A NASTY
                          (makes a funny face for
                           "NASTY")
            THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY CALLED ME 	
                          (deadpans perfectly:)
            WELL, A WITCH...


                                   DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
            Tone it down, Sherie.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            What?  But I'm making it funny!  Shmaltzy!


                                   DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
            Stop coloring outside of the lines.  Do it more like the
            movie.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            ...but it's funnier when I ham it up...


                                   DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
            If there's one thing I learned from my days directing Opera,
            it's that people want to hear things exactly how they expect
            them to sound.  Tone it down NOW!


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Fine.
                          (sings, doesn't get to own role
                           as much as she ought to, wastes
                           away perfectly good talent)


                                   ORTHODOX RABBI
                          (thumbs up)
            No ham here!






            SCENE: PRINCE'S CASTLE.


                                   Ariel and speaking-tenor Prince Eric
                                   are in his castle.


                                   Enter John Treacy Egan as CHEF.


                                   JOHN TREACY EGAN
            Hi, I basically got to the theater ten minutes ago! 
                          (sings)
            LES POISSONS
            LES POISSONS
            HEE HEE HEE
            HO HO HO!
                          (spoken)
            Ah, easiest job in the world.


                                   Surprisingly, he does damn good for a
                                   little shit part number.


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
            Oh look, I'm in the kitchen, and the chef wants to cook me!


                                   JOHN TREACY EGAN
            Oh look, I'm not running very hard after you!  Also, it looks
            really weird that I want to cook a 5'9" tall man in a red top
            hat!
                          (misses swinging the knife at
                           him by a good six feet)


                                   SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
            THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD!  Chorus, come over here and gloss
            over that point!


                                   CHORUS
                          (in a big spectacular kitchen
                           number)
            LES POISSONS
            LES POISSONS
            HEE HEE HEE
            HO HO HO
            THEN WE'LL SING YOU OFF TO SLEEP
            WHILE YOU DIGEST!
 
            TONIGHT YOU'LL PROP YOUR FEET UP
            BUT FOR NOW, LET'S EAT UP
            LES POISSONS
            LES POISSONS
            LES POISSONS!


                                   Finally, unadulterated proof of what
                                   I've been trying to prove since 1991.






            SCENE: THE PRINCE AND THE PRINCESS ARE FALLING IN LOVE.


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            Let's dance, mute girl!  But since you can't speak, I'll be
            the only one who sings.
                          (sings in baritone mode)
            SOMETHING ABOUT DANCING
            DANCING IS MAGIC
            THIS IS IRRELEVANT
            AND IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING
            WITH LYRICS DIRECTED MORE AT YOU!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            ...


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            You know, if you could speak, this scene and this duet we're
            going to sing would make the slightest bit of sense!


                                   COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
            Great, Doug.  We've got a main character who spends act two
            as a mute, and in case you haven't noticed THIS IS A MUSICAL!


                                   BOOKWRITER DOUG WRIGHT
            I dunno, just have her... sing to herself in her own head?


                                   COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
            That kinda works.


                                   DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
            So long as I get to stage it so it's absolutely unclear when
            it's in her head and when it's not!


                                   LIGHTING DESIGNER 
                                   NATASHA KATZ
            Already three steps ahead of you!


                                   A quick moment where the girl-who-spent
                                   act-one-in-a-clamshell-bra takes a bath
                                   in front of us, and now:






            SCENE: EVERYBODY IS SINGING TO THEMSELVES, BUT AT THE SAME
            TIME.


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            OH
            SHE MIGHT BE THE GIRL I LOVE
            BUT THE GIRL I LOVE HAD THAT VOICE
            SO WHY AM I SO CONFUSED
            ACTUALLY THE ATTEMPTS TO STRENGTHEN MY CHARACTER 
            ARE DECENTLY SOLID!


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            YOU CAN TELL I LISTENED TO 
            THE SOUNDTRACK A LOT AS A KID
            BECAUSE I SING IT LIKE 
            THE CD, EXACTLY!


                                   NORM LEWIS
                          (from underwater)
            WHERE IS ARIEL?
            WE'RE SUDDENLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ACT TWO
            AND I FINALLY NOTICED SHE'S NOT AROUND!
            BOY I MUST BE
            A REALLY SHITTY
            FATHER!


                                   ALL TOGETHER
            SOME MUSICALS HAVE MOMENTS WHERE PEOPLE SING AT ONCE
            AND THEY REALLY MOVE THE PLOT
            THIS IS NOT
            ONE OF THEM!


                                   NORM LEWIS'S TALENT
            Boy I feel underused.






            SCENE: SINGING CONTEST.


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            Now ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our singing contest.


                                   AUDIENCE
            I don't remember this in the movie.


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            That's because it's not in the movie.  In this version, Eric
            is so enamored with Ariel's voice and confused as to why
            Ariel ends up being a mute, that he decides to hold a singing
            contest to see if he really can find that voice.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oh!  That sounds like a story change that could prove
            valuable!


                                   GIRL #1
            I AM SINGING!


                                   GIRL #2
            I AM SINGING!


                                   GIRL #3
            I AM SINGING!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Or just silly.


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            No, I'm going to choose Ariel, because she knows the gift of
            dance or something saccharine-sweet like that which we kinda
            alluded to for a moment.  Let's kiss!


                                   ARIEL
            Okay, let's kiss, Prince Eric, because I love you and oh wait
            I'm mute.
                          (quiets up again)


                                   They're about to kiss when SUDDENLY...


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Hey it's me, time's up and I'm here to take you back!


                                   ARIEL
            So you're representing a squid, but easily walking around on
            dry land now.


                                   GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ AND
                                   BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
            SO ARE WE, SOMEHOW!


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Not so easily.  I have to lug around this platform with me to
            make it look like I have more tentacles or something.  NOW
            YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            So Ariel was a mermaid!


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            She didn't change to a mermaid in front of you.
            So how did you know?


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            I saw the movie.


                                   VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
            Oh.






            SCENE: UNDERWATER.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Now, at last, I have you in my grasp Ariel!  Ah ha ha ha!
                          (pause, to audience)
            O YEA BTW THIS IS MY SHELL IF YOU DESTROY IT I DIE N STUF K?


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            Not so fast!


                                   Prince Eric appears from above in his
                                   ship...


                                   And tries... crashing it... 
                                   into Ursula's underwater lair???


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Oh no I'm mildly distracted... Wait how did you get your ship
            to plunge so many feet below sea level?  Does it turn into a
            submarine?


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            No.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Can you breathe underwater?


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            No.


                                   ARIEL
            While you were mildly distracted, I got your shell!
            And now I'm throwing it to the ground!
                          (throws to ground)


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            AND NOW I'M DYING!
                          (pauses)
            Wow, you'd think that if I could die that way, I'd be a bit
            more careful about just leaving my shell around. 
                          (dies)


                                   DISAPPOINTMENT
                          (sets in fully)


                                   BOOKWRITER DOUG WRIGHT
            Hold on a second, aren't I the Tony and Pulitzer Prize winner
            who wrote "I am my own wife"?  Oh well...
                          (cashes check)


                                   DAVID HENRY HWANG,
                                   BOOKWRITER OF AIDA 
                                   AND TARZAN
            Don't worry Doug, the bitter flavor goes away eventually...


                                   NORM LEWIS
            Ariel, I'm proud of your exertion of barely any energy to
            kill Ursula, and I'm sorry that I was so harsh on you going
            up to the water surface.


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            That's okay Dad, I accept.


                                   NORM LEWIS
                          (to audience)
            Let that be a metaphoric lesson to all the parents in the
            audience today that they should... Um...
            Let their kids go to Harlem by themsleves?


                                   PRINCE ERIC
            Ariel, you're alive and can talk!  Oh, but you're a
            mermaid...


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
            Please, Daddy?


                                   NORM LEWIS
            Allright.
                          (hands her a box)


                                   SIERRA BOGGESS
                          (opens it up)
            A vagina in a box!  How did you ever know?


                                   NORM LEWIS
            In honor of this event, I will allow for one day, the people
            of the sea and the people of the land to come together!


                                   Mermaids and human folk dance with each
                                   other onstage in a way that can be
                                   represented all that you want, but that
                                   makes absolutely no logical sense at
                                   all.


                                   Curtain falls.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Wait that was it?  Did the show just end while I blinked?


                                   And thusly, another generation of
                                   little girl princess are BORN!  
                                   (Who we hope will learn to like
                                   musicals.)


                                   Also, a bunch of little boys go home to
                                   have their FIRST CLAMSHELL BRA FANTASY
                                   DREAMS.  


                                   Ah, youth.


                                   Audience leaves to go home, as does the
                                   cast and crew.


                                   Silence.


                                   Enter a Disney Imagineer with a prop
                                   from a far-better Little Mermaid show
                                   that's going on at MGM-Studios.


                                   AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC ENGINEER
            Okay, I've got the giant Ursula AA here that takes up the
            whole stage and makes for the very satisfying wondrous ending
            that you'd expect from an expensive Disney show.


                                   Silence.


                                   AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC ENGINEER
            Aww come on guys!


                                        BLACKOUT.

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