THE LITTLE MERMAID ABRIDGED
OR
"WELL, AFTER ALADDIN, I GUESS WE HAVE TO CLOSE UP SHOP"
A Broadway Abridged Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE THEATER WHERE "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" DIED.
Overture plays.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
(applauding overture)
Yaaay!
GUY IN FRONT OF ME AT THE
PERFORMANCE I WENT TO
(singing to overture, out loud)
LA DA DA DEE,
I WANNA BE
PART OF YOUR WORLD!
HIS FAMILY
(amused!)
EVERYONE ELSE
(not amused in the slightest)
Curtain rises on a sailing ship.
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
Prince Eric, ever since your FATHER DIED...
PREREQUISITE THAT A
A PARENT MUST BE DEAD
IN ALL DISNEY MUSICALS
Check!
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
...it's been my duty to make sure that you are married by
your TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY.
Now anybody can see that you're obviously thirty years old or
more, but we'll let that slide and focus on the fact that YOU
HAD BETTER HONOR YOUR FATHER'S DYING WISHES TO GET MARRIED so
you can be king.
PRINCE ERIC
(high voice)
Wait, if I'm not King until I get married,
(even HIGHER voice)
Who's been King in the meanwhile?
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
Holy shit Prince Eric is a tenor!?!?!?!?
PRINCE ERIC
Well why are you British? Isn't Little Mermaid a Danish
story?
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
Nobody REALLY knows!
PRINCE ERIC
Actually, in 1836, the Danish author Hans Christian Andersen--
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
GET MARRIED BY YOUR TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY OR ELSE
[VAGUE THREAT GOES HERE]!
SCENE: IT LOOKS LIKE SHAMU THREW UP.
Enter Norm Lewis and a bunch of other
"mermaids" on Heelys, their legs hidden
by water-colored dresses and their
tails moving behind them.
Heelys?
Oh, They're these wheels on the back of
children's sneakers that let them sort
of skate, manufactured by a company who
must have a hell of a legal team to
effectively hide every single case of
these things hurting children.
COSTUME DESIGNER
TATIANA NOGINOVA
With the subtle representation the Heelys provide, you stop
noticing their use pretty quickly!
Oh, if only that could be true for,
say, the costumes...
Enter Norm Lewis, who has been working
out!
Good for you, Norm. Now put on a damn
shirt.
NORM LEWIS
Everybody, it's time to begin our celebration over the
triumph of the war where the Sea-Witch Ursula was banished...
BACKSTORY
Wow, look at that, I'm being further develo--
NORM LEWIS
...which I will never delve deeper into or mention again.
BACKSTORY
Dang.
NORM LEWIS
Also, my wife died from it or something.
PREREQUISITE THAT A
A PARENT MUST BE DEAD
IN ALL DISNEY CARTOONS
Wow, it is a very happy day for me indeed!
NORM LEWIS
(accentuates his abs some more,
then shouts:)
Let's get out that little crab or lobster or whatever it is.
SEBASTIAN!
Enter black guy with a red tophat and
claws.
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
No mon, no claws. Just da red gloves.
NORM LEWIS
Who the hell are you?
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
(in an "almost-jamaican"
accent)
Hold on, Triton is Black? But Ariel's white! Won't that
confuse da kids?
BOOKWRITER DOUG WRIGHT
(entering)
Oh don't worry... In this version Ursula--a multi tentacled
something or rather--is Triton's sister.
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
(to Norm Lewis)
Perhaps you were da products of Posdeidon gettin' it on wit a
giant squid, ya mon?
NORM LEWIS
That's just disgusting.
SCENE: THE SHORE...
...which looks like a cellophane
monster threw up.
Enter a girl in a clamshell bra.
Little boys in the audience (who were
dragged to this by their parents) are
suddenly enjoying this show for reasons
they won't understand.
SIERRA BOGGESS
(sings a new song)
HOW I WISH I COULD BE IN THE WORLD ABOVE
I WANT TO BE IN THE WORLD ABOVE
I WANT
I WANT
THIS IS MY I WANT SONG
AND "PART OF YOUR WORLD"
IS GOING TO BE RATHER SUPERFLUOUS
WITH THIS CRAPPY SONG HAVING BEEN INSERTED BEFORE.
LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
Hi Ariel!
SIERRA BOGGESS
Who are you?
LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
Flounder.
SIERRA BOGGESS
Oh. I thought you were a homeless kid.
LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
Nope, just my crappy costuming.
Enter a "seagull".
SIERRA BOGGESS
Hello old creepy man.
SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE
A SEAGULL
Hello, Ariel! Hello, Spongebob Squarepants!
LITTLE KID IN A YELLOW SHIRT
I am Flounder.
SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE
A SEAGULL
I bet you are!
SIERRA BOGGESS
Ugly, ugly I-don't-know-what-you-are, I figured you could
recite the funny little routine where the seagull tells me
that a fork is for combing the hair.
SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE
A SEAGULL
I can! By heart!
SIERRA BOGGESS
Great.
SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE
A SEAGULL
But I thought now would be a good time to appeal to the Monty
Python and Young Frankenstein fans.
SIERRA BOGGESS
...in a Disney show?
SOMETHING THAT LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE
A SEAGULL
Sure, it's not hard. We'll just stretch out this
Dinglehopper dialogue into a SONG THAT STRETCHES OUT A GAG
WHICH WORKED BETTER IN THE MOVIE!
TO "PYTHON" A SONG
Hey, I just might be a new verb!
The rest of cast comes out, looking a
lot like a cotton factory threw up.
The point being made here is, if you do
decide to see this show, you might want
to bring a vomit bag.
SCENE: URSULA'S LAIR.
Which is decorated in...
Oh come on what the hell color palette
IS this?
SCENIC DESIGNER
GEORGE TSYPIN
What's a color palette?
Sigh. Enter Sherie Rene Scott attached
to a platform.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Gay guy from Altar Boyz, Black guy from Spelling Bee, help me
out: I need an opening villain introduction song!
GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ
How about "Poor unfortunate souls".
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
I can't... Ariel isn't here yet.
BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
What about the song where you convince Ariel to... Oh right,
that's Poor Unfortunate Souls, isn't it.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
`Tis.
GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST
WHO REPLACED THE LATE
GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
(entering)
How about a song that talks about how much you miss the year
1940?
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
What does that have to do with anything?
GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST
WHO REPLACED THE LATE
GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
I don't know, it's a trunk song I had laying around from a
musical about Chita Rivera missing the year 1940 or god knows
what.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
What?
GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST
WHO REPLACED THE LATE
GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
Sing it.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Fine.
(sings)
I WANT THE GOOD TIMES BACK, I WANT--
(pauses)
Why am I tied down to this platform?
COSTUME DESIGNER
TATIANA NOGINOVA
I think they represent your tentacles.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
I have tentacles?
COSTUME DESIGNER
TATIANA NOGINOVA
Sure... Wasn't that obvious? Just ask your two eel henchmen.
Silence.
GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ AND
BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT EELS?
SCENE: A WASTE OF TEN MINUTES THAT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
IF HOWARD ASHMAN WAS STILL ALIVE.
ARIEL'S SISTERS
(singing)
SHE'S IN LOVE
SHE'S IN LOVE
SHE'S IN LOVE
SHE'S IN LOVE
SHE'S IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL GUY!
SIERRA BOGGESS
(smiling, to audience)
See? Disney is concerned with role-models; they've cast some
of my sisters as NOT overly-thin girls. In fact, one of them
is downright big-boned!
AUDIENCE
Oh? Well how much do you weigh?
SIERRA BOGGESS
(small voice)
...sixty three pounds...
NORM LEWIS
ARIEL! You are far too skinny to go up to the surface alone!
Also something something something your mother's voice. The
human world is a dangerous place, where the sets are slightly
better and the costuming doesn't force you to guess!
SIERRA BOGGESS
But father, I'm in love with a tenor who's trying to pass
himself off as Prince Eric! And the only way I can get him
to love me back is if you could use your magic to grant me--
NORM LEWIS
Legs? No, I will not--
SIERRA BOGGESS
Actually he doesn't really care about legs. He says he'll be
fine so long as I have a vagina.
SCENE: THE END OF PART OF YOUR WORLD.
SIERRA BOGGESS
(it starts from the bridge,
people)
WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE
TO PLAY THIS PART
UP HERE ON BROADWAY
HEY LITTLE GIRLS
I GOT THIS PART
AND YOU DID NOT
I AM LIKE YOU
WHEN I WAS TWELVE
I WANTED TO BE ARIEL
NOW I *AM* HER
YOU ARE *NOT* HER
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SAD!
OR...
(final verse now)
MAYBE YOU'RE SAD CAUSE I'M JUST OKAY
SERIOUSLY, WASN'T KERRY BUTLER
SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS PART, HOW COME SHE'S NOT?
FORBIDDEN BROADWAY'S
GERARD ALESSANDRINI
I said stop that.
SIERRA BOGGESS
UP WHERE THEY SING
UP WHERE THEY ACT
I'M NOT QUITE AS GOOD AS ALL THAT
I'M JUST OKAY
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE
I'M PART OF YOUR WORLD!
Audience claps because they love this
song.
But really, the audience would have
clapped if the damn song was farted out
by a fat man.
SCENE: UNDER THE SEA.
The set is adorned with...
Wait are those Underwater Bongs?!?
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
You don't want to go up to the surface, you want to stay
here, where we have LOTS OF DA FISHIES!
SIERRA BOGGESS
Later you're going to have to explain to me how you're so
adept at wavering in and out of a Jamaican accent within a
single sentence.
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
Mon--
SIERRA BOGGESS
You just sing your song, I'll jet out of here in the first
ten seconds k?
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
(singing)
Under D.C.!
Under D.C.!
Wow, a bunch of marine creatures swim
by in some stupid carousel-like things,
and your job is to figure out what they
are!
No, this isn't like Circle of Life in
Lion King, where it was cool that some
wooden thing was a gazelle.
It's a lot more subjective here.
More of a:
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
Mommy what is that?
MOMMY IN AUDIENCE
I think it's a vomit fish.
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
Mommy, can we get a vomit fish to take home?
DISNEY SALESCLERK (IN LOBBY)
WHY YES WE SELL THAT!
SCENE: UP WHERE THEY WALK.
Prince Eric is walking on the sand.
PRINCE ERIC
(voice practically cracking)
Oh that girl, with the red hair and the voice and the
clamshell bra... how I long for her clamshell bra!
(pause)
But singing about her voice would provide a much better lyric
I'm sure.
He sings a brand new song about how her
voice has enthralled her.
COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
See Glenn? Sometimes it's okay to write a really, really
wonderful song with purpose that moves a plot!
GLENN SLATER, LYRICIST
WHO REPLACED THE LATE
GREAT HOWARD ASHMAN
You're right! YOU'RE RIGHT!
SCENE: EELS GET ARIEL TO GO TO URSULA'S LAIR.
GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ
We can help you, Ariel!
BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
Yesss, we can help you!
SIERRA BOGGESS
Why can two gay eels help me?
BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAY EELS!
SIERRA BOGGESS
Bullshit.
GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ AND
BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
(real lyrics)
SWEET CHILD...
SO TRAGIC SO MISUNDERSTOOD
DEAR CHILD...
LIFE'S LOOKING SHALL WE SAY NOT GOOD.
COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
(smacks Glenn Slater)
Dammit, what did I just tell you?
SCENE: SHERIE RENE SCOTT SINGS "POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS".
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
(singing, hamming it up)
I ADMIT THAT IN THE PAST I'VE BEEN A NASTY
(makes a funny face for
"NASTY")
THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY CALLED ME
(deadpans perfectly:)
WELL, A WITCH...
DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
Tone it down, Sherie.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
What? But I'm making it funny! Shmaltzy!
DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
Stop coloring outside of the lines. Do it more like the
movie.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
...but it's funnier when I ham it up...
DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
If there's one thing I learned from my days directing Opera,
it's that people want to hear things exactly how they expect
them to sound. Tone it down NOW!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Fine.
(sings, doesn't get to own role
as much as she ought to, wastes
away perfectly good talent)
ORTHODOX RABBI
(thumbs up)
No ham here!
SCENE: PRINCE'S CASTLE.
Ariel and speaking-tenor Prince Eric
are in his castle.
Enter John Treacy Egan as CHEF.
JOHN TREACY EGAN
Hi, I basically got to the theater ten minutes ago!
(sings)
LES POISSONS
LES POISSONS
HEE HEE HEE
HO HO HO!
(spoken)
Ah, easiest job in the world.
Surprisingly, he does damn good for a
little shit part number.
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
Oh look, I'm in the kitchen, and the chef wants to cook me!
JOHN TREACY EGAN
Oh look, I'm not running very hard after you! Also, it looks
really weird that I want to cook a 5'9" tall man in a red top
hat!
(misses swinging the knife at
him by a good six feet)
SUPPOSEDLY SEBASTIAN
THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD! Chorus, come over here and gloss
over that point!
CHORUS
(in a big spectacular kitchen
number)
LES POISSONS
LES POISSONS
HEE HEE HEE
HO HO HO
THEN WE'LL SING YOU OFF TO SLEEP
WHILE YOU DIGEST!
TONIGHT YOU'LL PROP YOUR FEET UP
BUT FOR NOW, LET'S EAT UP
LES POISSONS
LES POISSONS
LES POISSONS!
Finally, unadulterated proof of what
I've been trying to prove since 1991.
SCENE: THE PRINCE AND THE PRINCESS ARE FALLING IN LOVE.
PRINCE ERIC
Let's dance, mute girl! But since you can't speak, I'll be
the only one who sings.
(sings in baritone mode)
SOMETHING ABOUT DANCING
DANCING IS MAGIC
THIS IS IRRELEVANT
AND IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING
WITH LYRICS DIRECTED MORE AT YOU!
SIERRA BOGGESS
...
PRINCE ERIC
You know, if you could speak, this scene and this duet we're
going to sing would make the slightest bit of sense!
COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
Great, Doug. We've got a main character who spends act two
as a mute, and in case you haven't noticed THIS IS A MUSICAL!
BOOKWRITER DOUG WRIGHT
I dunno, just have her... sing to herself in her own head?
COMPOSER ALAN MENKEN
That kinda works.
DIRECTOR FRANCESCA ZAMBELLO
So long as I get to stage it so it's absolutely unclear when
it's in her head and when it's not!
LIGHTING DESIGNER
NATASHA KATZ
Already three steps ahead of you!
A quick moment where the girl-who-spent
act-one-in-a-clamshell-bra takes a bath
in front of us, and now:
SCENE: EVERYBODY IS SINGING TO THEMSELVES, BUT AT THE SAME
TIME.
PRINCE ERIC
OH
SHE MIGHT BE THE GIRL I LOVE
BUT THE GIRL I LOVE HAD THAT VOICE
SO WHY AM I SO CONFUSED
ACTUALLY THE ATTEMPTS TO STRENGTHEN MY CHARACTER
ARE DECENTLY SOLID!
SIERRA BOGGESS
YOU CAN TELL I LISTENED TO
THE SOUNDTRACK A LOT AS A KID
BECAUSE I SING IT LIKE
THE CD, EXACTLY!
NORM LEWIS
(from underwater)
WHERE IS ARIEL?
WE'RE SUDDENLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ACT TWO
AND I FINALLY NOTICED SHE'S NOT AROUND!
BOY I MUST BE
A REALLY SHITTY
FATHER!
ALL TOGETHER
SOME MUSICALS HAVE MOMENTS WHERE PEOPLE SING AT ONCE
AND THEY REALLY MOVE THE PLOT
THIS IS NOT
ONE OF THEM!
NORM LEWIS'S TALENT
Boy I feel underused.
SCENE: SINGING CONTEST.
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
Now ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our singing contest.
AUDIENCE
I don't remember this in the movie.
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
That's because it's not in the movie. In this version, Eric
is so enamored with Ariel's voice and confused as to why
Ariel ends up being a mute, that he decides to hold a singing
contest to see if he really can find that voice.
AUDIENCE
Oh! That sounds like a story change that could prove
valuable!
GIRL #1
I AM SINGING!
GIRL #2
I AM SINGING!
GIRL #3
I AM SINGING!
AUDIENCE
Or just silly.
PRINCE ERIC
No, I'm going to choose Ariel, because she knows the gift of
dance or something saccharine-sweet like that which we kinda
alluded to for a moment. Let's kiss!
ARIEL
Okay, let's kiss, Prince Eric, because I love you and oh wait
I'm mute.
(quiets up again)
They're about to kiss when SUDDENLY...
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Hey it's me, time's up and I'm here to take you back!
ARIEL
So you're representing a squid, but easily walking around on
dry land now.
GAY GUY FROM ALTAR BOYZ AND
BLACK GUY FROM SPELLING BEE
SO ARE WE, SOMEHOW!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Not so easily. I have to lug around this platform with me to
make it look like I have more tentacles or something. NOW
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!
PRINCE ERIC
So Ariel was a mermaid!
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
She didn't change to a mermaid in front of you.
So how did you know?
PRINCE ERIC
I saw the movie.
VERY VERY ENGLISH GUY
Oh.
SCENE: UNDERWATER.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Now, at last, I have you in my grasp Ariel! Ah ha ha ha!
(pause, to audience)
O YEA BTW THIS IS MY SHELL IF YOU DESTROY IT I DIE N STUF K?
PRINCE ERIC
Not so fast!
Prince Eric appears from above in his
ship...
And tries... crashing it...
into Ursula's underwater lair???
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Oh no I'm mildly distracted... Wait how did you get your ship
to plunge so many feet below sea level? Does it turn into a
submarine?
PRINCE ERIC
No.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Can you breathe underwater?
PRINCE ERIC
No.
ARIEL
While you were mildly distracted, I got your shell!
And now I'm throwing it to the ground!
(throws to ground)
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
AND NOW I'M DYING!
(pauses)
Wow, you'd think that if I could die that way, I'd be a bit
more careful about just leaving my shell around.
(dies)
DISAPPOINTMENT
(sets in fully)
BOOKWRITER DOUG WRIGHT
Hold on a second, aren't I the Tony and Pulitzer Prize winner
who wrote "I am my own wife"? Oh well...
(cashes check)
DAVID HENRY HWANG,
BOOKWRITER OF AIDA
AND TARZAN
Don't worry Doug, the bitter flavor goes away eventually...
NORM LEWIS
Ariel, I'm proud of your exertion of barely any energy to
kill Ursula, and I'm sorry that I was so harsh on you going
up to the water surface.
SIERRA BOGGESS
That's okay Dad, I accept.
NORM LEWIS
(to audience)
Let that be a metaphoric lesson to all the parents in the
audience today that they should... Um...
Let their kids go to Harlem by themsleves?
PRINCE ERIC
Ariel, you're alive and can talk! Oh, but you're a
mermaid...
SIERRA BOGGESS
Please, Daddy?
NORM LEWIS
Allright.
(hands her a box)
SIERRA BOGGESS
(opens it up)
A vagina in a box! How did you ever know?
NORM LEWIS
In honor of this event, I will allow for one day, the people
of the sea and the people of the land to come together!
Mermaids and human folk dance with each
other onstage in a way that can be
represented all that you want, but that
makes absolutely no logical sense at
all.
Curtain falls.
AUDIENCE
Wait that was it? Did the show just end while I blinked?
And thusly, another generation of
little girl princess are BORN!
(Who we hope will learn to like
musicals.)
Also, a bunch of little boys go home to
have their FIRST CLAMSHELL BRA FANTASY
DREAMS.
Ah, youth.
Audience leaves to go home, as does the
cast and crew.
Silence.
Enter a Disney Imagineer with a prop
from a far-better Little Mermaid show
that's going on at MGM-Studios.
AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC ENGINEER
Okay, I've got the giant Ursula AA here that takes up the
whole stage and makes for the very satisfying wondrous ending
that you'd expect from an expensive Disney show.
Silence.
AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC ENGINEER
Aww come on guys!
BLACKOUT.
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