Les Miserables: Abridged

                               LES MISERABLES ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                 "HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE FRENCH"
                         A "Broadway Abridged" Script That 
                        We've Been Meaning To Write Since 1862
                                         By Gil Varod and Jennifer Jordan





            SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.


                                   Stark, 80s-British-MegaMusical
                                   lighting.  


                                   A French CHAIN GANG enters and sings
                                   in outlandish British accents.


                                   CHAIN GANG
            LOOK DOWN
            LOOK DOWN
            OH, PRISON LIFE IS DEAD!
            WE DON'T
            HAVE TOOLS
            WE HAVE TO MIME INSTEAD.
            LOOK DOWN
            AND GROAN
            MAKE JERKY MOVEMENTS. RHYME.
            WHY CAN'T
            I TELL
            WHAT TOOLS THESE ARE I MIME?


                                   Enter JAVERT.


                                   JAVERT
            Now bring me prisoner number 2468Ten.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            It is Javert, my nemesis!


                                   JAVERT
            COMMENCE EXPOSITION, 2468Ten!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I was imprisoned because I stole bread to feed my sister's
            baby, both of whom we will never mention in this musical ever
            again!  So you see, I was a GOOD SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER and
            was imprisoned unjustly!


                                   JAVERT
            And you were imprisoned for five years for that!  And THEN,
            fourteen MORE because you tried to run!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN AND JAVERT
                          (in unison)
            OH HOW PAINFUL IT WAS TO LIVE IN THE TIME OF FRANCE WHEN
            EVERYBODY HAD REVOLUTIONS!


                                   JAVERT
            Prisoner 2468Ten, you are free to no longer provide exposition.


                                   Javert hands a PIECE OF PRISONER PAPER
                                   to Jean Valjean.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            What is this?


                                   JAVERT
            It's a piece of paper.  You show it to people who want to
            hire you, and this way they know you were a prisoner.
                          (exits)


                                   Jean Valjean tries to find a job.


                                   SMELLY FRENCH GUY 
                                   WITH BRITISH ACCENT
            Yes, I'll hire you.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Excellent.  I'll just give you this piece of PRISONER PAPER
            here--


                                   SMELLY FRENCH GUY 
                                   WITH BRITISH ACCENT
            You have PRISONER PAPER?  I can't very well hire you!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Oh, poor people in France had/have it tough!


                                   SMELLY FRENCH GUY 
                                   WITH BRITISH ACCENT
            You know, you could consider just not giving me the PRISONER
            PAPER.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I cannot do that; it would betray the same strong moral
            values that led me to illegally feed my sister and her dead,
            dead baby.  And I HAVE to uphold my strong moral values.
                          (to passing by Priest)
            Oh hi Priest!






            SCENE: MONASTERY.


                                   PRIEST
            So here's the deal.  I'm going to let you stay here in this
            monastery.  Here's a delicious rack of lamb, and you get to
            sleep in the ROOM OF PRECIOUS SILVER AND OTHER EXTRAVAGANT
            EXAMPLES OF THE CHURCH'S WEALTH.  Nite-nite!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Must uphold strong moral values, 
            must uphold strong moral values, 
            must-- 
            Hell who am I kidding.
                          (grabbing all of the silver)
            YOINK!
                          (sung very high)
            RUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


                                   PRIEST
            POLICE!






            SCENE: THE PART OF FRANCE THAT LOOKS LIKE A TURNTABLE.


                                   Enter a bunch of policemen in bunny
                                   slippers and pajamas.


                                   POLICE CHIEF
            Jean Val...
                          (yawns)
            Jean Valjean, you're under arrest for stealing the church!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Stealing *from* the Church.


                                   POLICE CHIEF
            I ask the question here.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I didn't ask a question. 


                                   POLICE CHIEF
                          (yawns)
            Paul-Claude!  Get me my elaborate police chief hat!


                                   It enters.  It's AWESOME.






            SCENE: MONASTERY.


                                   POLICE CHIEF
            Go ahead, tell his reverence your story about how he gave
            this to you as a "gift".


                                   PRIEST
            But I did give this as a gift... I just forgot to give him
            these WEIGHTED OBJECTS as well.
                          (hands him silver candlesticks)


                                   POLICE CHIEF
            What?


                                   PRIEST
            Yes, thank you for apprehending him so I could--


                                   POLICE CHIEF
            You said he stole.


                                   PRIEST
            Well surely--


                                   POLICEMAN #2
            My wife was woken up at three in the morning for you.


                                   POLICEMAN #3
            My poor consumptive french children can't get back to their
            slumber!


                                   POLICEMAN #2
            Capital F in French.


                                   POLICEMAN #3
            Ah yes.


                                   PRIEST
            But you see, I was teaching him a lesson.


                                   A beat.


                                   Then a beatdown.


                                   POLICE CHIEF
                          (whilst beating)
            STUPID HOUSE OF GOD, MAKING ME FEEL MORALLY GUILTY *AND*
            WAKING ME UP IN THE MORNING!


                                   Jean Valjean escapes.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            This meaningful incident has made me realize the error of my
            ways.  I'm going to start again, and to prove it, I'm going
            to RIP UP THE PRISONER PAPER that for NO REASON I decided to
            show to every potential employer!


                                   PRISONER PAPER
                          (gets ripped up, 
                           is symbolic somehow)


                                   RANDOM GUY 
                                   CONVENIENTLY WALKING BY
            Hey there, you don't look like someone who has any PRISONER
            PAPER or anything.  Want to help me invent GOLD?






            SCENE: THE FUTURE.


                                   But not really the future, just ahead
                                   ten years.  


                                   POOR PEOPLE 
            LIFE IS TOUGH!
            LIFE IS TOUGH!
            WORKING IN A FACTORY IN FRANCE 
            BEFORE SOCIALIST PARTIES
            AND ANARCHISTS PLAYED A PROMINENT ROLE
            IN FORMING AND BUILDING UP TRADE UNIONS FROM THE 1870S ONWARD
            IS HARD!


                                   FOREMAN
            Who's next?


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            I'm ready for my yearly wage.


                                   FOREMAN
            Here's your wage, minus your "You Didn't Let Me Fornicate
            With You" penalty.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            No, please give me the money!  I need it to feed my bastard
            daughter who I sent away because I hate children.


                                   FOREMAN
            What?  You have a kid?  You ARE a total slut and you STILL
            won't sleep with me!
                          (closes the wooden box
                           dramatically)
            You're fired!


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            Oh well.  No other jobs in the universe.  Better take up
            prostitution.


                                   VENEREAL DISEASES
            Come, sleep with us for money!


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            Oh, what a cautionary tale!
                          (sings)
            I DREAMED A DREAM
            THAT I DIDN'T GET KNOCKED UP
            AH WHAT A WONDERFUL FANTASY!


                                   Suddenly, a crappy large setpiece FALLS
                                   ON A GUY!


                                   A GUY
            Help!  I got run over by this VERY SLOW MOVING CART!


                                   JAVERT
            That is BAD!


                                   Enter Jean Valjean.  He has completely
                                   abandoned his former life of lying and
                                   thieving, instead using his effort to
                                   SOMEHOW BECOME THE MAYOR, 
                                   effectively showcasing how incredibly
                                   easy it is to succeed if you GIVE UP a
                                   life of crime, 
                                   say STEALING or USING YOUR MOM'S
                                   GROCERY MONEY TO HUFF GLUE.


                                   Just think about it, Jimmy.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
                          (reacting to A GUY)
            I'll save you!


                                   Valjean convinces nobody that he is
                                   STRUGGLING while lifting the 
                                   STYRAFOAM CART.


                                   JAVERT
            Wow, I don't know anybody who can convince nobody that
            they're struggling to lift a piece of styrafoam like that... 
            EXCEPT FOR JEAN VALJEAN!
            But we're about to execute a Jean Valjean that we just
            caught, so whatevs.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            You can't execute Jean Valjean, because Jean Valjean... IS
            ME!
                          (opens shirt, reveals that it
                           says 2468Ten)
            IT'S MY PRISONER TATOO!


                                   JAVERT
            Um... We don't... Do that...
                          (looks closer)
            Is this finger paint?!?


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
                          (sung very high)
            RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!






            SCENE: HOSPITAL.


                                   Jean Valjean enters in on Pro-V.  


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
                          (dying)
            Oh Cosette, come here and let your crazy blind it-hurts-when
            I-pee mother take care of you.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            She's not here.  You're delusional because you have 
            Gonorrhea.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            It's Syphilis.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            We never really specify.  It seems to be the same disease
            that Lucy, Kim, Charity and other musical females have:
            HOOKER WITH A HEART OF GOLD.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            Who the hell are you?


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I'm the man who looked on while my morally corrupt Foreman
            fired you, and then did nothing while you fell to a life as a
            whore, ultimately contracting the fatal, crusty disease that
            will cause you to die in about six, seven minutes tops.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            Oh.
                          (pause)
            Will you raise my child?


                                   Fantine gets beamed up to heaven.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!


                                   Enter Javert.


                                   JAVERT
            Valjean, at last--


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Cut the crap.  FIGHT!


                                   JAVERT
            Bring it!


                                   They sing at the same time a lot.


                                   THIS is how MEN fight in a MUSICAL!






            SCENE: HOUSE OF THERNARDIER, A.K.A. "SO THIS IS WHAT THE 
            SHAKESPEAREAN CLOWN HAS EVOLVED INTO"


                                   A little girl enters and sings about
                                   how absolutely cute it is when little
                                   girls sing about how absolutely cute it
                                   is when little...


                                   COSETTE
                          (singing)
            BUY A SHIRT OF ME!


                                   Enter two characters to bring much
                                   needed HUMOR to the hysterical issue of
                                   CHILD ABUSE.


                                   MME. THERNARDIER
            Cosette, I'm so glad we've enslaved you to keep you down in
            the cellar where you have to filter your own pee to drink.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Ha ha ha ha!  I love the Thernardiers!


                                   THERNARDIER
                          (to a customer)
            Here you go sir.  I've created this dinner for you which,
            though you're not aware of it, includes ingredients like cat,
            spit, and curious short curly hair!


                                   AUDIENCE
            THOSE TWO ARE HILARIOUS!  AH HA HA HA HA!


                                   MME. THERNARDIER
            I wish I wasn't fat and that I had married a man who had a
            sufficient male member!
            Also, other crude jokes about my husband's poor sexual
            performance!


                                   AUDIENCE
            I JUST WANT TO TAKE THE THERNARDIERS HOME WITH ME!


                                   PRODUCER CAMERON MACKINTOSH
                          (with figurines, hats, novelty
                           socks)
            Now you can!


                                   Enter LOTTERY-WINNING MAYOR.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I have a kajillion dollars.  Here.  Gimme Cosette.


                                   THERNARDIERS
            Sure stranger, do whatever you want.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
                          (to Cosette)
            Cosette, now you're my daughter.


                                   COSETTE
            Yay!  Scruffy stranger, I love you immediately!






            SCENE: SKIPPING THROUGH TIME FASTER THAN A WHIRLING TURNTABLE
            OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM


                                   Enter Javert.


                                   JAVERT
                          (singing)
            THERE...
            THERE ARE SOME STARS...
            I'M SO MUCH LIKE THEM...
            DON'T ASK ME HOW!
            THIS I SWEAR BY
            SOME STARS!






            SCENE: PARIS?  MAYBE.


                                   Half-way into the musical seems like an
                                   *exceptional* time to introduce every
                                   main character!


                                   We are introduced to them by an
                                   annoying little shit:


                                   GAVROCHE
            `Ello govnah!  I'm a plucky li'il street ga'min, so b'sure to
            fall `n luv w't m' now b'fuh I get blewn t'bits!  Blimey!


                                   EPONINE
            I love you Marius!


                                   MARIUS
            I don't notice.  I love that girl that just walked by!


                                   COSETTE
                          (just walked by)
            I love Marius, and am conflicted about abandoning my elderly
            father for him!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I'm elderly now!  My beard is WHITE!  But I still can lift my
            weight in Mariuses! 


                                   ENJOLRAS
            I'm Enjolras!  Try pronouncing my name!  YOU CAN'T!


                                   THUD!


                                   Well look at that.  
                                   A barricade just fell!


                                   MARIUS
            Wait, now I'M conflicted about whether to fight in a war that
            I haven't quite yet figured out the specifics or motivation
            of, or to chase after that girl I just saw that suddenly I'm
            in love with!


                                   COSETTE
            My name is Cosette!


                                   MARIUS
            Oh it's so embarrassing, I don't even know your name!


                                   COSETTE
            Cosette!


                                   MARIUS
            Will I EVER learn her name?


                                   COSETTE
            Asshole.


                                   ENJOLRAS
            Get serious, Marius, it's wartime, and General Lamarque is
            dead.


                                   MARIUS
            Lamwhat?


                                   ENJOLRAS
            You haven't heard of him and we won't bother explaining, but
            put faith in the fact that it's VITALLY IMPORTANT TO THE REST
            OF THE PLOT AND THE REASON I WILL DIE.  
            Come sing a wartime song with us now.


                                   MARIUS
            Okay.


                                   ENJOLRAS
                          (singing)
            RED!


                                   GANG
            THE COLOR OF SOME BLOOD!


                                   ENJOLRAS
            BLACK!


                                   GANG
            THE COLOR OF NOT WHITE!


                                   ENJOLRAS
            RED!


                                   GANG
            THE COLOR OF... SOME... TWIZZLERS LICORICE?


                                   ENJOLRAS
                          (despondent)
            Black.


                                   GANG
            THE COLOR OF... UMM...


                                   STUDENT #1
            Charcoal?


                                   STUDENT #2
            Graphite from a pencil!


                                   STUDENT #3
            Also licorice!  But not twizzlers, a different one.


                                   ENJOLRAS
                          (British)
            Wankers.  
            TOMORROW WE WILL DIE AWFUL, GRUESOME DEATHS!


                                   EVERYONE comes out on stage and screams
                                   at the top of their lungs at the same
                                   time.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            TOMORROW IS IMPENDING!


                                   ENJOLRAS
            TOMORROW HAS MEANINGFUL MEANING!


                                   JAVERT
                          (what we always thought the real
                           lyric was:)
            ONE MORE DAY TILL REVOLUTION
            WE WILL NIP IT IN THE BUD
            I WILL JOIN THESE LITTLE SCHOOLBOYS.
            THEY WILL WET THEMSELVES!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I AM SINGING!


                                   ENJOLRAS
            I AM SINGING WHILE HE IS SINGING!


                                   EVERYBODY
                          (together marching idiotically)
            I AM SINGING 
            WHILE SHE IS SINGING 
            WHILE HE IS SINGING 
            AND HOT DAMN ISN'T THIS DRAMATICALLY EFFECTIVE!


                                   Curtain falls.






            SCENE: EPONINE'S PATHETIC PSYCHE.


                                   Enter a very beautiful girl playing the
                                   novel's ugliest most-toothless
                                   character.


                                   EPONINE
            Come on 14 year old girls, hold hands and sing along!  
                          (singing)
            ON MY OWN
            THERE ONCE WAS A GUY I LIKED A LOT
            EXCEPT HE
            DIDN'T LIKE ME BA-ACK
            AND I CRIED
            I WISH THAT HE HAD LIKED ME
            AND THAT IS WHY I SYMPATHIZE
            WITH EPONINE WHEN SHE'S SHOT.

                                   Adolescent girls everywhere sing it at 
                                   Sweet Sixteens.

                                   If you encounter one of these girls, please
                                   feel free to give them a sharp flick of their 
                                   earlobes, on behalf of the authors.






            SCENE: BACK AT THE BARRICADE.


                                   JAVERT appears disguised as a student,
                                   holding Gen Chem textbooks and wearing
                                   a Phi Delta Alpha shirt tied at the
                                   waist.


                                   JAVERT
            What's up guys!  I'm so totally all about your decision to
            overthrow the government for whatever reasons you seem to
            have that maybe you never really figured out!  
            Can I infiltrate your awesome club?


                                   MARIUS
            We *do* need somebody to find out their attacks and the like.


                                   ENJOLRAS
                          (pointing at Javert)
            Yeah, we can trust him, he's old!


                                   GAVROCHE
            You can't trust him... He's INSPECTOR JAVERT!


                                   ENJOLRAS
            ...


                                   GAVROCHE
            The BAD GUY!


                                   ENJOLRAS
            Oh.


                                   Everybody ties him up.  Kinky.


                                   MARIUS
            Sigh, can't trust old men... 
            So who's gonna execute him?


                                   Jean Valjean enters.


                                   ENJOLRAS
                          (pointing at Valjean)
            We can trust HIM!  He's OLD!


                                   Suddenly Eponine runs over the
                                   barricade and is shit shot!


                                   EPONINE
            Marius!  I died so I could give you a letter from Cosette!


                                   MARIUS
            You poor pathetic fuckup.


                                   It suddenly starts to rain.


                                   MARIUS
            Wow, I gotta protect you from the rain.


                                   EPONINE
            Jesus, fuck the rain.  I'm DYING.


                                   MARIUS
            Oh, poor Eponin--


                                   She FINALLY dies and is beamed up to
                                   heaven.


                                   Rain suddenly (and conveniently) stops.


                                   MARIUS
                          (has completed his 2.5 seconds
                           of caring about Eponine)
            OK, so who wants a drink?
                          (flings Eponine's body to the ground)


                                   ENJOLRAS
            Yes, as your leader-ish person, I command EVERYBODY to get
            inebriated the night before a big battle.


                                   GAVROCHE
            I can't drink because I'm underage.


                                   ENJOLRAS
            Are you old enough to loot dead bodies for ammo?


                                   GAVROCHE
            Yes.


                                   ENJOLRAS
            Climb!


                                   Little adorable Gavroche climbs across
                                   the barricade but, just as Eponine was,
                                   is shot.


                                   In the head.  


                                   Twice.


                                   Enter his many little French 8-year-old
                                   friends.


                                   LITTLE PIERRE
            Gavroche!  Gav--
                          (is shot in the face)


                                   SACRE BLEU
            Oh no, how could--
                          (shot in the skull)


                                   DOUCHE OUI OUI
            My poor friends are dying!
                          (shot in the undeveloped
                           testicles)


                                   Thousands of little children appear on
                                   stage.  A torrid bloodbath ensues.  It
                                   is terrifying.

                                   Aren't you glad you saw a musical?


                                   LITTLE PIERRE
                          (dying with a face of destroyed
                           flesh)
            WAR IS BAD!
                          (falls)


                                   Everybody keeps fighting.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I'm gonna let you go, Javert.


                                   JAVERT
            I have a gun.  I've spent my entire life with CHASING AFTER
            YOU on the backburner.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Whatevs, `Vert.  Go away.


                                   Javert runs across the barricades.  Of
                                   course, he is not shot because he is 
                                   not WOMEN or CHILDREN.


                                   LITTLE DEAD KIDS
            You suck.


                                   Suddenly, everybody dies except for
                                   Jean Valjean. 
                                   The stage is awash in the light of
                                   heavenbeams.


                                   SCOTTY
            THERE'S TOO MANY CAPTAIN!  I DON'T HAVE THE POWER!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
                          (looking at an almost-dead
                           Marius)
            Hey, this is the kid who impregnated my fake daughter a few
            minutes ago!  I ought to save him with my super old man
            strength!


                                   The decrepit old Valjean effortlessly
                                   slings the full-grown man over his back
                                   and jauntily sprints into a sewer.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!


                                   Dead bodies litter the ground.  The
                                   barricade rotates to the other side to
                                   show those who died upon it.  


                                   Then it rotates back to the first side
                                   again and, just like in the Legend of
                                   Zelda, all the dead bodies have blinked
                                   out of existence!


                                   Possible explanations:
                                   - LES MIS is actually a video game.
                                   - French People is Magic!






            SCENE: PARIS'S FAMOUS LABRINTHY SEWERS, REPRESENTED BY 
            "NOT ENOUGH SET".


                                   Jean Valjean gets really tired and puts
                                   down the body of Marius, 
                                   then goes to the side of the stage and
                                   instantaneously falls asleep for plot
                                   reasons.


                                   THERNARDIER
                          (entering, taking a gold tooth
                           from a dead body)
            I LIKE TO STEAL GOLD FROM CORPSES!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Hey... Weren't you the funny character?


                                   THERNARDIER
            I used to be.  I got used up more than my sluttish daughter
            Eponine whose death I haven't noticed.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Wait, she's your daughter?


                                   THERNARDIER
            Yeah.


                                   AUDIENCE
            How can you tell?


                                   THERNARDIER
            If you can remember that Cosette is the grown up version of
            young Cosette, 
            AND that when she was little there was a blonde girl who was
            our daughter and had no lines of dialogue,
            AND that she was sitting next to us for a minute during the
            first Paris scene, 
            then it's EASY to put the dots together and realize that
            she's our daughter!


                                   AUDIENCE
            You're still not funny anymore.


                                   Suddenly, Jean Valjean wakes up, hoists
                                   Marius over his head, and jauntily
                                   skips along.  He is BETTER NOW!






            SCENE: PLASTIC BRIDGE.


                                   JAVERT
            Oh wow, a guy who I casually pursued around a very small area
            of France for a few years has spared my life.  Definitely a
            very good reason for killing myself.
                          (jumps)
            FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!


                                   He spins around a little bit while
                                   standing, then dives into the floor
                                   like it's a slip and slide.


                                   JAVERT
            Retarded.






            SCENE: WORST SONG EVER.


                                   Enter a bunch of women who died cross
                                   dressed as men on the barricade.  
                                   They sing the song "TURNING".


                                   A joke definitely belongs here.  But
                                   frankly, we're not quite sure what to
                                   do with "TURNING".


                                   (Apparently, neither were they.)






            SCENE: OTHER WORST SONG EVER.


                                   MARIUS
            This musical is definitely TOO SHORT and it's just FLYING BY! 
            Let's take a moment to eulogize some minor characters we
            never bothered to get to know in the first place.
                          (singing)
            THERE ARE CHAIRS AND THERE ARE TABLES
            THEY ARE MADE OF LOTS OF WOOD
            NOW MY FRIENDS ARE NOT ALIVE NOW
            THAT IS BAD, NO IT'S NOT GOOD.


                                   And finally, an hour and a half after
                                   having met him, we've CHARACTERIZED THE
                                   CHARACTER ONCE PLAYED BY MICHAEL BALL.






            SCENE: WEDDING.


                                   Marius and Cosette are getting married
                                   with all of their closest friends.


                                   Yes, somehow they have FRIENDS even
                                   though Cosette JUST MOVED THERE and all
                                   of Marius's friends DIED.


                                   Enter a pair of hideous outfits.


                                   MME. THERNARDIER
            We haven't evolved at all as characters throughout the
            passing of time or during our descent into poverty!


                                   THERNARDIER
            I haven't even aged half of what Jean Valjean has in the same
            time!


                                   MME. THERNARDIER
            Sh!  Distract the dead-alive friends while I steal this
            expensive silverware and hide it inside my womanly genitals!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Yay Thernardiers!






            SCENE: JEAN VALJEAN IS DYING, SO THE MUSICAL *MUST* BE ENDING
            RIGHT?  THEY CAN'T VERY WELL GO ON FOREVER.


                                   Jean Valjean lights a pair of weighted
                                   objects and waits to die. It takes
                                   awhile.


                                   CANDLESTICKS
            We were the items Jean Valjean stole about 3 hours ago, and
            we represent...
            We represent...
            WE REPRESENT!  Yo.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Gonna go die,
            Gonna go die,
            Goin' to da sky,
            Gonna go die.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
                          (a ghost)
            Hi Valjean.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Hello, herpes lady! ;)


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            It was syphillis. 


                                   EPONINE
                          (also a ghost)
            Hi Valjean.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Wait, who are you?


                                   EPONINE
            Eponine.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            ...


                                   EPONINE
            Right, we never met.  How awkward that God chose me to guide
            you to the next world.


                                   FANTINE PRO-V
            We're here to take you off to Heavenland.


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            Really?  Jeez, my children who abandoned me better show up
            soon to hear my whole life story all over again.


                                   MARIUS & COSETTE
            Hi, pops!


                                   COSETTE
            Father, I haven't seen you in years but we suddenly figured
            out where you were a few minutes before you die!


                                   MARIUS
            Your father wanted me to pretend I didn't know where he was.


                                   COSETTE
            But why, Papa?


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I was tired of your shit.  Now, I have a story to tell you,
            about a man who stole a loaf of bread, and in that time,
            learned a very difficult lesson of how a hypothetical man
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            and that's why this Jean Valjean never got to have sex.  So
            now that I've told you this story, who am I?
                          (to Marius)
            WHO AM I?


                                   MARIUS
            Oh no, he's got Alzheimers.


                                   COSETTE
            Please father, don't die!


                                   JEAN VALJEAN
            I will obey.. I will try...
                          (gets beamed up to heaven)


                                   COSETTE
            Dammit, you didn't try hard enough!
                          (cries)


                                   Suddenly, every dead character ever
                                   shows up.  The stage is FILLED with
                                   dead people.


                                   MARIUS
            Oh no, ghosts... 
                          (to Cosette)
            And you and I are the only ones in all of
            France who didn't die!  How depressing.


                                   COSETTE
            Marius, will you do the honors?


                                   MARIUS
            It's all that a loving husband can do.
                          (beats Cosette with the
                           weighted objects)


                                   COSETTE
                          (the beam takes her to a very
                           crowded heaven's waiting room
                           whilst they maketh some
                           spaceth for her)


                                   MARIUS
            Now it is I alone left.  YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
                          (runs the candlestick through
                           his own heart, is beamed to heaven)


                                   EVERYBODY
                          (bleeding profusely)
            TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD!


                                        RED-AND-BLACKOUT.

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