PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ABRIDGED
OR
BROADWAY: THE RIDE
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Jennifer Jordan
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
Stark, 80s-British-MegaMusical
lighting.
A French CHAIN GANG enters and sings
in outlandish British accents:
CHAIN GANG
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
OH, PRISON LIFE IS D--
Sorry about that. Wrong musical.
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
Stark, 80s-British-Megamusical
lighting.
An French AUCTIONEER enters and sings
in an outlandish British accent:
AUCTIONEER
...and you win the three human skulls, you peculiar rich man.
Auction Lot number 665, ladies and gentlemen. A creepy-ass
monkey playing the cymbals that was once a meaningless
weighted object in a Rock Opera that ran longer than CATS.
Can we start at fifteen francs?
OLD MAN
Fifteen francs.
AUCTIONEER
Fifteen francs going once, going twice...
OLD MAN
And two bits.
AUCTIONEER
You can't outbid yourself, sir.
OLD MAN
But I'm the only bidder here. It makes a boring auction
otherwise.
AUCTIONEER
Sold to the crazy old man, for fifteen francs and twenty five
American cents.
OLD MAN
(to monkey)
A poem, by OLD MAN RAOUL:
Oh little monkeything, you are so weird.
Will you still be playing when the rest of us are dead?
Do you think anyone knows what the hell is going on right
now? Or who the hell I am?
Oh little monkeything.
(bows)
AUCTIONEER
Pathetic.
Now we're going to auction off a CHANDELIER! This relic of a
late 1980s Broadway musical was once considered an impressive
display of theatrical technology. Today, stupid godddamn
tourists still fucking love it.
It is presented as LOT SIX-SIX-SIX,
WHICH IS THE DEVIL'S NUMBER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
RISE, RISE,
DEVIL'S CHANDELIER!
DEVIL'S CHANDELIER
(sounds like the name of
a bad horror film)
Synths.
The chandelier rises, ascending towards
the ceiling to the lovely sounds of
RIPPED OFF PINK FLOYD.
STUPID FUCKING TOURISTS
Oooooooh an object being moved by a pulley system OOOOOOOH!
SCENE: THE WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.
Eighteen ballerinas leap onstage doing
the moves from that current hit music
video, "Walk Like An Egyptian".
Men whip women. Seriously.
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
A dance break to stop the plot before
it even gets to begin.
BALLERINAS
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!
You've got us enraptured, Andrew Lloyd
Webber. What's next?
FORMER OPERA OWNER
Humongous cast, these are your new Opera Owners. They will
provide feeble ineffective "comic relief", as we BRITISH say.
Which, um, we're NOT.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I'm the lead. This annoys me, THE LEAD, for no reason
because I'm a "Prima Donna". That's Italian for "Bitch".
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I'm hungry.
A very light backdrop falls onto the
floor and doesn't hurt anybody at all.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUST HAVE DONE IT!
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
Come now, there's no such thing as Phantoms of Operas!
FORMER OPERA OWNER
Oh no, there is. You have to pay him twenty thousand francs
a month, and from time to time he will kill a chorus member.
Also he may or may not be the guy who composes every single
one of the operas we put on.
Did I forget to mention that?
(skedaddles)
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
He drops a very very light backdrop. He glues a French Franc
to the floor and nobody can pick it up. He puts Saran Wrap
on the toilets.
He switches the salt and pepper shakers--my Coq au Vin was
WAAYYYY too peppery.
I CAN'T POSSIBLY WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! AND I'M NOT
THE LEAD ANYMORE!
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
That's fine, we'll have the understudy do it.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
it is a new opera. there is no understudy.
we only have understudies for revivals.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
That makes zero sense.
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
Christine Die, Eh? could sing the part. She's got a tew-tah.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
A what?
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
A tew-tah.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
This is why you're only a dancer.
Who teaches you, Christine?
WE SEE A FLASHBACK OF
THE PHANTOM TEACHING CHRISTINE.
PHANTOM
(hiding behind wardrobe)
That's it Christine, fling your arms out!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
(in hideous Sarah Brightman
wig)
Like this, disembodied voice that is giving me singing
lessons for free?
PHANTOM
(dramatically jumping, then
hiding behind a couch)
Yes. Now remember this, never sing unless your arms are
flung out or you'll end up singing not good. Occasionally
you can hug yourself too, that's okay.
BACK TO OPERA HOUSE:
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
That Christine, she "always" has her head in the clouds. And
by "always", I mean "in this scene".
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
let her sing for you. she's awesome.
Christine sings.
After her customary two "I'm too
nervous to sing" lines, she's GREAT!
You can tell she's MUCH BETTER than the
Female Italian Stereotype, because she
has much less vibrato, and flings her
arms to the side much, MUCH more.
FORCED TRANSITION TO:
SCENE: CHRISTINE IS SINGING ONSTAGE IN THE REAL OPERA, AND
PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE AN UNDERSTUDY EITHER.
Enter a lack of personality.
RAOUL
Can it be, can it be Christine?
BRAVO!
What a change, you're really not a bitch.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
The reviewers love her way more, because she's thinner!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Waaaah. I'm not the lead anymore.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
christine, you did a great job for the disfigured man i
pimped y...
you didn't hear me say that.
as for you, dancers, you all did uniformly terribly.
everybody, rehearsal, now.
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
What? It's eleven forty five at night. That's ridiculous.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
actors equity doesn't cover operas. or exist yet. now dance
in the background behind a scrim for the next ten minutes
without music while nobody in the audience even notices.
RAOUL enters Christine's dressing room.
RAOUL
HEY. I don't know if you remember me, my name's Raoul, we
were friends when we were little. I was pretty foppish and
weak so you probably didn't notice me. Also something vague
about a scarf.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
(barely noticing that this is
the first time she's seen him
since she was 14)
Also something about a little Latte.
So what have you been up to?
RAOUL
For eight to ten years? I went through puberty, still
rocking the "foppish and weak" thing...
So, you know, there was that. You look pretty today.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the
Angel of Music to you". Well, father is dead, Raoul, and I
have been visited by the Angel of Music.
RAOUL
...hmm.
RAOUL runs for his life because Men Are
Afraid Of Commitment.
Christine hears a disembodied voice in
her dressing room.
PHANTOM
(off-stage)
OOOOGLY BOOGLY BOO!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Angel of Music?!?!?!? I installed a one-way mirror just like
you asked.
PHANTOM
I know.... OH... I KNOW...
(drools)
Come, step directly through the mirror with me somehow!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Sure. I always step into small corridors that are filled
with smoke.
Raoul hears SYNTHS and is
understandably concerned.
He barges into the dressing room door,
but it's okay because it opens up by
itself.
PHANTOM
ONE OF MY MANY INEXPLICABLE MAGIC POWERS IS THE ABILITY TO
INSTALL AUTOMAGIC DOOR OPENERS LIKE THE KIND YOU FIND AT
PATHMARK!
RAOUL
Dammit! And I probably would have gotten a sideways twister
from her tonight.
(to audience)
Oh, you don't know what a sideways twister is? It's when the
SCENE: THE IMPOSSIBLY ELABORATE UNDERGROUND LAIR OF THE
PHANTOM
Synths, y'all.
Fake Phantom and Christine run back and
forth on the same damn bridge for a
while, then emerge onto the
Awesomeboat Which Moves By Itself.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Phantom, where are we?
S-s-s-synths.
PHANTOM DOUBLE
I'm not the Phantom, Christine, I'm the Phantom double.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Why do you exist?
PHANTOM DOUBLE
What?
CHRISTINE DOUBLE
I didn't say anything.
But did someone say SYNTHS?
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
REAL PHANTOM! Where are we?
PHANTOM
This is the Phantom Of The Opera flume ride originally built
for Universal Studios. The Operahouse of France is trying to
put on a performance of a new work, but SOMETHING HAS GONE
HORRIBLY WRONG!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Wow!
PHANTOM
(if you look in the mirror, he's
in the flume WITH YOU!)
Yeah, unfortunately the movie kinda tanked, so we took the
audio-animatronics and put them into the Broadway show. You
can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can
hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
(smacks him in the side of the
head)
PHANTOM
SING ONCE AGAIN FOR ME
MY CREPE SUZETTE!
Phantom and Christine get out of the
boat onto a part of the stage that has
lots of smoke, and can stand just
fine there. Even though smoke
represents "water".
Must be PHANTOM-MAGIC!
PHANTOM
Lemme just get comfortable here... take off my hat, my cape,
my shoes, put on my slippers, take off my mask--HA! GOTCHA!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
...
PHANTOM
Now sing for me!
SING FOR ME MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
SING FOR ME!
DO IT!
FUCKING DO IT!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
Syyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnttthhhssssssss.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
What song do you you want me to sing? Like a specific song?
PHANTOM
I don't know, just choose one note and sing it over and over
again.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Okay.
(singing)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(long, deep breath)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
(hyperventilates)
PHANTOM
(in a twenty minute song that
goes like this:)
OOOOHHH DARKNESS, ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT,
MUSIC MUSIC DARKNESS ANGEL NIGHT,
LET YOUR FEAR GIVE IN TO MUSIC
LET YOUR MUSIC GIVE IN TO FEAR.
DARKNESS DARKNESS ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT
I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC
YOU ARE MY ANGEL OF MUSIC TOO
TOGETHER WE ARE DUAL ANGELS OF MUSICS.
(pacing back and forth awhile)
MUUUUUUUUUSSSSSIIIIIIIIIICSSSSSSSSSS!!!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
This is really endearing and not creepy at all!
PHANTOM
Oh, so I wanted to show you this thing I made. It's a wax
figure of you, in a wedding dress.
(gesturing to it very
presentationally)
It's made to your exact dimensions. And I stole some sweat
off of your body while you were sleeping.
SO SHE SMELLS LIKE YOU TOO.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Ah.
Christine has now fallen asleep,
because "Music of the Night" was too
long.
The monkeything is playing a terribly
composed little tune next to her. It
still doesn't mean anything.
PHANTOM
(miming a completely
unintelligible song on the
organ)
THIS IS MY KINGDOM.
WHERE ALL MUST PAY HOMAGE TO MUSIC.
CAUSE MUSIC IS MAGIC.
LIKE THE FORCE.
Christine is now awake again, and the
thought of what may have happened to
her while asleep is now giving her
the jibblies.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I wonder what he looks like under the mask. I bet the best
way to find out is to just walk right up to him and pull it
off while he's fully awake.
This happens.
They both drop to the floor, weeping
openly, and crawling around onstage.
Maybe there is a reason for this.
PHANTOM
OOOH! OH, YOU GOT ME!
YOU VIXEN! YOU HARLOT! YOU PANDORA! YOU DELILAH! YOU
PERSEPHONE! YOU OTHER LITERARY FIGURES I LOOKED UP ON THE
SHAKESPEARE INSULT GENERATOR!
The Phantom cries. A lot.
It is unbearably awkward.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Can I go home yet?
YOU, THE ONE SANE
THEATERGOER IN A SEA OF
TOURISTS
I finally feel for Christine's character!
SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS, WHERE EVERYBODY PRESUMES
RAOUL AND CHRISTINE ARE LOVERS EVEN THOUGH CHRISTINE
DISAPPEARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY FIRST RE-MET.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
THERE ARE SO MANY LETTERS!
SCENE: THE OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR
LIFE.
Enter a horrible costume in whiteface.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I am cheating on my husband with a female dressed as a
pageboy!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I am playing a mute boy who OOPS.
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Nineteenth century Frenchmen will watch anything!
PHANTOM
Guuuuuuyyyyyyyssssssss...
(sobs ridiculously)
You didn't listen to my casting notes AT ALLLLLLLL.
Now I will casually mention bringing down the Chandelier even
though I won't decide to bring it down till the next scene.
THIS IS WAR!
PHANTOM has acquired +5 FROG
VOICE-IFICATION.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
(in a frog voice?)
Wait you have the power to do what now!
PHANTOM
That's not all I can do! Check this shit out.
Hanging by the neck from the ceiling is
a MANNEQUIN MADE OF SOFT GOOSEFEATHERS.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
(froggily)
IT'S THE SARAN WRAP ALL OVER AGAIN!
I am NOT the lead anymore! PRIIIIMMMAAAA DOOOONNNAAAA!!!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Raoul, come quickly, we must go to the rooftop at night,
because maybe Phantoms are afraid of rooftops at night.
RAOUL
There is no such thing as a Phantom. Or maybe there is. I
can't decide.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Isn't it blissfully coincidental that the Phantom uses the
same "Angel of Music" terminology that my dead Dad used to?
RAOUL
His intimate knowledge of your childhood concerns me. How
about I propose to you without a ring right now.
C'mere, hugs!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Raoul:
Say you'll love me every waking moment,
Say you need me with you now and always,
Say you'll shelter me, and shower me with kisses,
Say you'll get me pain au chocolat at 3 AM if I want you to,
Say you'll draw me baths of the finest champagne,
and go to ridiculous lengths to appease me when I become a
cantankerous bitch every fourth week of the month.
Raoul,
that's all I ask
of you.
Also do you love me enough to sing real high?
The phantom emerges from a LITERAL
ANGEL OF GODDAMN MUSIC statue that is
floating in the middle of air.
PHANTOM
*I* love you enough to sing real high.
Oh, not even my +11 power to make statues float in mid-air
could turn your love to me.
(sobs endlessly: a master class
in terrible acting)
That's it! It's WAR.... AGAIN!
CUT TO:
BACK AT THE OPERA, WHERE A MAN HAS DIED IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE
HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE BUT THEY'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH A
PERFORMANCE ANYWAY.
Recorded applause reminds audience to
applaud.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Oooohhh---
The chandelier begins to descend slowly
from the ceiling.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
Look out everyone it's falling!
It continues to descend at a snail's
pace.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY WE'RE LOSING TIME I'M THE LEAD AGAIN
It has moved about a foot.
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Quick, it's falling entirely of its own accord in a way that
is completely unnatural to the basic laws of physics!
The chandelier has stalled mid-air, and
then with a lurch starts back up on its
slow, inexorable journey towards the
floor.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Get out of the way it's SPEEDING TOWARDS US.
Christine has failed to move an inch,
despite ample lead time, and the
chandelier softly caresses her shoulder
as the lights go down...
OH NO IS CHRISTINE OKAY?
SCENE: A FANCY MASQUERADE BALL.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Yeah I'm perfectly fine.
PERSON DRESSED HEAD-TO-TOE
IN WEIGHTED-OBJECT-MONKEY
PLAYING-THE-CYMBALS COSTUME
I obviously don't understand what a masquerade is.
Everybody dances on the staircase
because it takes up the entire
ballroom, which was an immense failure
on the architect's part.
EVERYONE
FLASH OF MAUVE, SPLASH OF PUCE
FOOL AND KING, GHOUL AND GOOSE
CURL OF LIP, SWIRL OF GOWN
EYE OF GOLD, FACE OF CLOWN
ACE OF BASS, COLDPLAY
PINK FLOYD, JOHNNY RAY
WALTER WINCHELL SOUTH PACIFIC JOE DIMAGGIO.
Enter PHANTOM with a red cape and a
sweet, sweet skull mask.
PHANTOM
It's me!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Oh God it's the Phantom! I can tell by his voice, even
though a major plot point will later hinge on not
recognizing his voice!
RAOUL
(not wearing a mask cause he's
a wuss)
He's in plain sight: nobody attempt to kill him.
PHANTOM
I wrote you an Opera! I am delivering it in this very
grandiose fashion. Why do you balk at paying me money when I
write Operas for you? A synth-loving monstrosity's gotta
eat, you know.
So in summation: vaguely threatening things! And then--
In a poof of smoke, he disappears.
And reappears ten feet away.
And then disappears.
And then reappears ten feet away.
And then disappears.
And then reppea--
PHANTOM
Oh shit this again.
SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
AGH MORE LETTERS!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
WHAT THE SHIT. I'm the lead again.
This is asinine, and it's probably your fault, Christine.
The creepy lady in black, however, is entirely uninvolved.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
What? There was a guy in a Masque of the Red Death costume
in the last scene! Did you somehow miss that!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I DON'T CARE I'M A PRIMA DONNA HOW DID YOU MISS *THAT*.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
What will we do! We are helpless in the face of this ghost!
Who isn't dead!
Everyone walks around in circles while
the Phantom tests out the surround
sound speaker system.
RAOUL
I just figured out why I'm in this plot!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
To round out an thoroughly unexciting love triangle?
RAOUL
No--I'm here to suggest we kill the Phantom!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
You're a shitty fiance.
RAOUL
Listen to me--we leave BOX FIVE open for him to sit in, and
we put you onstage as THE BAIT, and then we have dozens of
men aim guns at the stage.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
You're a *really* shitty fiance.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Now I'm not the lead anymore? Wow, the casting department
here is terrible.
RAOUL
Christine, darling, dearest, it's not like I don't care, you
don't *have* to be a part of this, but EXTREME PRESSURE.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I refuse to be a part of this.
SCENE: OPERA REHEARSAL, WHERE CHRISTINE IS APPARENTLY PART OF
THIS.
The Paris Opera has purchased a player
piano!
SCENE: LAVISH ELABORATE GRAVEYARD.
Christine is mourning at what is
probably the most luxurious grave
in the entire universe.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Oh Daddy, you sent an angel of music for me, and I appreciate
it and all, but he's really creepy. But also, Hal Prince
tells me I might love him. But also he's creepy! I don't
know. Maybe a very long song in which I explore my feelings
will help.
(singing)
IF I JUST DREAMED
WISHING I COULD HEAR YOUR VOICE
DREAMING OF ALL THAT YOU DREAM
FIGHTING BACK TEARS
TEARS OF DREAMS
GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO TRY
TO TRY DREAMS
AND WISHING
AND DREAMS MADE OF WISHES.
DREAMS?
WISHES.
(pause)
Nope, didn't help.
Phantom enters.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Oh Phantom, are you here to get me to love you by bringing my
father back from the dead?
PHANTOM
Um, no, for whatever reason I didn't think to acquire that
superpower. So how about instead, you come closer, and I
will hypnotize you with the musical stylings of Andrew Lloyd
Webber...
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?
Raoul conveniently enters.
RAOUL
Nooooo he's mesmerizing you with another power he just
discovered he had! Snap out of it you hussy.
PHANTOM
THIS IS WAR! STILL!
I will make my move using +2 Harmless Flares.
RAOUL
You can do what now?
Doesn't really matter, you keep shooting them to the side.
We're in front of you in case you haven't noticed.
PHANTOM
Uh, hey, what's that over there on stage left? Maybe you
should go check it out.
RAOUL
Okay I'll go over and--
Wait you just want me to stand where the flares are going!
PHANTOM
No, really, I dropped some french money over there, I need
you to get it for me....
RAOUL
Capital F in French, Phantom.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Hey have you considered using your magic Jedi powers to make
your face less vomit-inducing?
PHANTOM
You don't understand my powers at all. Plastic surgery is
*nothing* like causing a person to suddenly speak in a
froglike voice; it's *hard*!
Raoul leaves with Christine, who for
some reason looks coked up now.
PHANTOM
Ah, impotent rage!
And then sparklers fill the stage!
Because you *love* sparklers, don't
you, you vapid idiot?
SCENE: THE OTHER OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN
YOUR LIFE.
RAOUL
Are the doors secure? Is everybody locked in? Are all the
gunmen ready? Can everybody in the opera audience hear me
now as I painfully give away my plan?
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
If you have any other comments, just keep shouting them
across the boxes during the middle of the performance.
PHANTOM
(disguised as the Fat Italian
Stereotype)
I am the ALLURING lover Don Juan, and I am covered head-to
toe in black for some reason.
Which means that I write shows that makes about as much sense
as an Andrew Lloyd Webber Rock Opera.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I have no idea it's you, Phantom, even though you're not fat
at all, and as a singer I should be able to recognize that
your voice is much more breathy and growly and much less fake
Italian-accenty.
PHANTOM
Now, it's time to take all those vaguely suggestive metaphors
I've been singing about, and turn them into REALLY DISGUSTING
LITERAL DESCRIPTIONS OF LOVE-MAKING.
Phantom sings a seductive song while dry
humping Christine's leg.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I'm going to run away! No wait I'll stay. No I'll run away.
No I'll stay and pull your mask off in front of every rich
person in Paris!
RAOUL
Oh shoot him already for Chrissakes!
Everybody does, and every single one of
them misses.
RAOUL
What? That's ridicul... WHY DO I NOT CARRY A GUN?
SCENE: IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN.
Synths! JUST FOR YOU!
RAOUL
Where are we?
Enter the character who likes to
pretend she doesn't know the identity
of the guy who is KILLING EVERYBODY.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
we're at the point of the show where we just ran out of
budget for scenery.
with seven minutes left to the show, i should tell you that
the phantom was born a disfigured genius.
RAOUL
So he has the ability to do random acts of pure MAGIC?
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
selectively. unless you count nooses as magic, then all the
time.
RAOUL
Thanks for the last minute exposition!
Raoul jumps into an endless pit of
water but doesn't drown or anything.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
what the hell is my point in this musi
SCENE: SPLASH MOUNTAIN
The Awesomeboat urgently chugs along
as the fog machine urgently spits out
smoke and the synths urgently,
urgently synth.
PHANTOM
Okay Christine, this is it, our final confrontation! You
have to make up your mind, or else, well, let's say a certain
person has access to flaming bags of dog doody.
Enter Raoul.
RAOUL
(to self)
Gotta keep my hand at eye level,
Gotta keep my hand at eye level,
Gotta keep my hand at eye level,
Gotta...
(waving)
Oh hi Christine! How are AAAGHHHH.
Phantom hangs Raoul.
PHANTOM
(to CHRISTINE)
He was bound to love you when he heard your voice.
Whereas me, I loved you because you're skinny.
(to RAOUL)
WHY SHOULD I MAKE HER PAY FOR THE SINS THAT ARE YOURS?
RAOUL
What the fuck are you talking about, Phants?
PHANTOM
Christine: you choose me and he lives! You don't choose me
and I'll push the red button on my modified garage door
opener and he'll hang! Either way I get what I want!
It's all about me! ME ME ME ME ME! EVERYBODY DOES WHATEVER
I SAY!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I don't love you.
PHANTOM
Is it because of my face?
(sobs uncontrollably like a
consumptive baby)
Oh Christine, this face which taints our love!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I don't dislike you because of your vomit-inducing face;
I dislike you for whole BUNCHES of reasons!
You sing under pitch.
You cry like a pathetic little emo kid. You killed two
people THAT I KNOW ABOUT. You pretty much have nothing going
for you.
Christine spots the Christine doll
tossed to the side of the PHANTOM-CAVE
like a used rag.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Also have you been using my waxen doppleganger as OH GOD OH
GOD OH GOD OH GOD I'LL NEVER BE CLEAN ENOUGH.
And lo Christine, she who wast of anger
towards he who was maskt, did kisseth
the Phantom.
And yea did Raoul turn his head, so as
to not take in the sight of his beloved
as she didst play at tonsil hockey, and
within Raoul's own mouth didst he vomit
only but a tad, and swallowed it anon.
PHANTOM
Oh man... that should keep me goin' awhile.
NOW GO! GO NOW! BOTH OF YOU TAKE THE AWESOMEBOAT AND GO
NOW! DO IT! FUCKING DO IT! GOD DAMN GO!...
Oh you're both already gone.
The Phantom falls to the floor and sobs
like a banshee.
Christine returns.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Wait!
Long pause. The Phantom lifts himself
from the floor, his mangled face full
of hope.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Nevermind.
Christine leaves.
Then she comes back again.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Phantom...
No forget it.
She leaves.
Enter Christine.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Um... I... Er...
PHANTOM
OH GOD YOU'RE A CRUEL LITTLE BITCH AREN'T YOU.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I just wanted to see how ugly you were one last time.
Very.
Okay, that's all I had.
PHANTOM
Will we ever see each other again?
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Oh God I hope not!
Incidentally, in 1907, I will be doing a one-off performance
of a new opera at Coney Island under the suggestion of a
mysterious Maestro. SO DON'T BE THERE, okay?
PHANTOM
That seems incredibly improbable. I hope I don't show up.
That would bring the cataclysmic events of 10 years prior at
the Paris Opera crashing back into all of our lives!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
You'd think that after going through all this shit now, I
wouldn't sing for a mysterious anything, nevermind Maestro.
THE SEQUEL
(is really happening, for real,
isn't it.)
(wow.)
ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S CAT
I TRIED TO DESTROY TEH SCORE BUTS HE WROTE ANOTHER ONE I DIDZ
THE BEST I COULD... I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER?
PHANTOM
It's okay, you're a good pussy.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
What?!?
PHANTOM
ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?!?!
Christine leaves a few more times, then
leaves.
PHANTOM
(sitting on Phantom Throne)
Where's my cuddly blanket. Living in a flume ride sucks.
He covers himself in the Phantom Blankey
and OH WOW HE GOT THE POWER TO DISAPPEAR!
Enter Fourth Lead Female (remember
her?) who walks over to the Phantom
blankey, and pulls it off, expecting to
find an ugly man napping.
Instead, all that remains is his MASK!
She lifts it up very slowly so that the
spotlight guy can follow it correctly.
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
(to audience)
THIS IS WHAT HE WORE.
BLACKOUT.
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