The Phantom Of The Opera: Abridged

                            PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                                 BROADWAY: THE RIDE
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                         By Gil Varod and Jennifer Jordan






            SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.


                                   Stark, 80s-British-MegaMusical
                                   lighting.  


                                   A French CHAIN GANG enters and sings
                                   in outlandish British accents:


                                   CHAIN GANG
            LOOK DOWN
            LOOK DOWN
            OH, PRISON LIFE IS D--


                                   Sorry about that.  Wrong musical.






            SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.


                                   Stark, 80s-British-Megamusical
                                   lighting.


                                   An French AUCTIONEER enters and sings
                                   in an outlandish British accent:


                                   AUCTIONEER
            ...and you win the three human skulls, you peculiar rich man.
            Auction Lot number 665, ladies and gentlemen.  A creepy-ass
            monkey playing the cymbals that was once a meaningless
            weighted object in a Rock Opera that ran longer than CATS. 
            Can we start at fifteen francs?


                                   OLD MAN
            Fifteen francs.


                                   AUCTIONEER
            Fifteen francs going once, going twice...


                                   OLD MAN 
            And two bits.


                                   AUCTIONEER
            You can't outbid yourself, sir.


                                   OLD MAN
            But I'm the only bidder here.  It makes a boring auction
            otherwise.


                                   AUCTIONEER
            Sold to the crazy old man, for fifteen francs and twenty five
            American cents. 


                                   OLD MAN
                          (to monkey)
            A poem, by OLD MAN RAOUL:
            Oh little monkeything, you are so weird.
            Will you still be playing when the rest of us are dead?
            Do you think anyone knows what the hell is going on right
            now?  Or who the hell I am?
            Oh little monkeything.
                          (bows)


                                   AUCTIONEER
            Pathetic.
            Now we're going to auction off a CHANDELIER!  This relic of a
            late 1980s Broadway musical was once considered an impressive
            display of theatrical technology.  Today, stupid godddamn
            tourists still fucking love it.  
            It is presented as LOT SIX-SIX-SIX, 
            WHICH IS THE DEVIL'S NUMBER!  
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!  
            RISE, RISE,
            DEVIL'S CHANDELIER!


                                   DEVIL'S CHANDELIER
                          (sounds like the name of 
                           a bad horror film)


                                   Synths.


                                   The chandelier rises, ascending towards
                                   the ceiling to the lovely sounds of
                                   RIPPED OFF PINK FLOYD.


                                   STUPID FUCKING TOURISTS
            Oooooooh an object being moved by a pulley system OOOOOOOH!






            SCENE: THE WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.


                                   Eighteen ballerinas leap onstage doing
                                   the moves from that current hit music
                                   video, "Walk Like An Egyptian".


                                   Men whip women.  Seriously.


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!


                                   A dance break to stop the plot before
                                   it even gets to begin.


                                   BALLERINAS
            DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!


                                   You've got us enraptured, Andrew Lloyd
                                   Webber.  What's next?


                                   FORMER OPERA OWNER
            Humongous cast, these are your new Opera Owners.  They will
            provide feeble ineffective "comic relief", as we BRITISH say. 
            Which, um, we're NOT.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            I'm the lead.  This annoys me, THE LEAD, for no reason
            because I'm a "Prima Donna".  That's Italian for "Bitch".


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            I'm hungry.


                                   A very light backdrop falls onto the
                                   floor and doesn't hurt anybody at all.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUST HAVE DONE IT!


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            Come now, there's no such thing as Phantoms of Operas!


                                   FORMER OPERA OWNER
            Oh no, there is.  You have to pay him twenty thousand francs
            a month, and from time to time he will kill a chorus member. 
            Also he may or may not be the guy who composes every single
            one of the operas we put on.  
            Did I forget to mention that?
                          (skedaddles)


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            He drops a very very light backdrop.  He glues a French Franc
            to the floor and nobody can pick it up.  He puts Saran Wrap
            on the toilets. 
            He switches the salt and pepper shakers--my Coq au Vin was
            WAAYYYY too peppery.
            I CAN'T POSSIBLY WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!  AND I'M NOT
            THE LEAD ANYMORE!


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            That's fine, we'll have the understudy do it.


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            it is a new opera.  there is no understudy. 
            we only have understudies for revivals.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            That makes zero sense.


                                   FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
            Christine Die, Eh? could sing the part.  She's got a tew-tah.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            A what?


                                   FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
            A tew-tah.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            This is why you're only a dancer.  
            Who teaches you, Christine?


                                        WE SEE A FLASHBACK OF         
                                        THE PHANTOM TEACHING CHRISTINE.


                                   PHANTOM
                          (hiding behind wardrobe)
            That's it Christine, fling your arms out!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
                          (in hideous Sarah Brightman
                           wig)
            Like this, disembodied voice that is giving me singing
            lessons for free?


                                   PHANTOM
                          (dramatically jumping, then
                           hiding behind a couch)
            Yes.  Now remember this, never sing unless your arms are
            flung out or you'll end up singing not good.  Occasionally
            you can hug yourself too, that's okay.  


                                        BACK TO OPERA HOUSE:


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            That Christine, she "always" has her head in the clouds.  And
            by "always", I mean "in this scene".


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            let her sing for you.  she's awesome.


                                   Christine sings.  


                                   After her customary two "I'm too
                                   nervous to sing" lines, she's GREAT!


                                   You can tell she's MUCH BETTER than the
                                   Female Italian Stereotype, because she
                                   has much less vibrato, and flings her
                                   arms to the side much, MUCH more.


                                        FORCED TRANSITION TO:






            SCENE: CHRISTINE IS SINGING ONSTAGE IN THE REAL OPERA, AND
            PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE AN UNDERSTUDY EITHER.


                                   Enter a lack of personality.


                                   RAOUL
            Can it be, can it be Christine?  
            BRAVO!
            What a change, you're really not a bitch.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            The reviewers love her way more, because she's thinner!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            Waaaah.  I'm not the lead anymore.


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            christine, you did a great job for the disfigured man i
            pimped y... 
            you didn't hear me say that.
            as for you, dancers, you all did uniformly terribly.  
            everybody, rehearsal, now.


                                   FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
            What?  It's eleven forty five at night.  That's ridiculous.


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            actors equity doesn't cover operas.  or exist yet.  now dance
            in the background behind a scrim for the next ten minutes
            without music while nobody in the audience even notices.


                                   RAOUL enters Christine's dressing room.


                                   RAOUL
            HEY.  I don't know if you remember me, my name's Raoul, we
            were friends when we were little.  I was pretty foppish and
            weak so you probably didn't notice me.  Also something vague
            about a scarf.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
                          (barely noticing that this is
                           the first time she's seen him
                           since she was 14)
            Also something about a little Latte.
            So what have you been up to? 


                                   RAOUL
            For eight to ten years?  I went through puberty, still
            rocking the "foppish and weak" thing... 
            So, you know, there was that.  You look pretty today.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the
            Angel of Music to you". Well, father is dead, Raoul, and I
            have been visited by the Angel of Music. 


                                   RAOUL
            ...hmm.


                                   RAOUL runs for his life because Men Are
                                   Afraid Of Commitment.  
                                   Christine hears a disembodied voice in 
                                   her dressing room.


                                   PHANTOM
                          (off-stage)
            OOOOGLY BOOGLY BOO!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Angel of Music?!?!?!?  I installed a one-way mirror just like
            you asked.


                                   PHANTOM
            I know.... OH... I KNOW...
                          (drools)
            Come, step directly through the mirror with me somehow!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Sure.  I always step into small corridors that are filled
            with smoke.


                                   Raoul hears SYNTHS and is
                                   understandably concerned.  
                                   He barges into the dressing room door,
                                   but it's okay because it opens up by
                                   itself.


                                   PHANTOM
            ONE OF MY MANY INEXPLICABLE MAGIC POWERS IS THE ABILITY TO
            INSTALL AUTOMAGIC DOOR OPENERS LIKE THE KIND YOU FIND AT
            PATHMARK!


                                   RAOUL
            Dammit!  And I probably would have gotten a sideways twister
            from her tonight. 
                          (to audience)
            Oh, you don't know what a sideways twister is?  It's when the






            SCENE: THE IMPOSSIBLY ELABORATE UNDERGROUND LAIR OF THE
            PHANTOM


                                   Synths, y'all.


                                   Fake Phantom and Christine run back and
                                   forth on the same damn bridge for a
                                   while, then emerge onto the 
                                   Awesomeboat Which Moves By Itself.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Phantom, where are we?


                                   S-s-s-synths.


                                   PHANTOM DOUBLE
            I'm not the Phantom, Christine, I'm the Phantom double.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Why do you exist?


                                   PHANTOM DOUBLE
            What?


                                   CHRISTINE DOUBLE
            I didn't say anything.


                                   But did someone say SYNTHS?


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            REAL PHANTOM!  Where are we?


                                   PHANTOM
            This is the Phantom Of The Opera flume ride originally built
            for Universal Studios.  The Operahouse of France is trying to
            put on a performance of a new work, but SOMETHING HAS GONE
            HORRIBLY WRONG!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Wow!


                                   PHANTOM
                          (if you look in the mirror, he's
                           in the flume WITH YOU!)
            Yeah, unfortunately the movie kinda tanked, so we took the
            audio-animatronics and put them into the Broadway show.  You
            can hardly tell!  can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can
            hardly tell!  can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
                          (smacks him in the side of the
                           head)


                                   PHANTOM
            SING ONCE AGAIN FOR ME
            MY CREPE SUZETTE!


                                   Phantom and Christine get out of the
                                   boat onto a part of the stage that has
                                   lots of smoke, and can stand just
                                   fine there.  Even though smoke
                                   represents "water".


                                   Must be PHANTOM-MAGIC!


                                   PHANTOM
            Lemme just get comfortable here... take off my hat, my cape,
            my shoes, put on my slippers, take off my mask--HA!  GOTCHA!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            ...


                                   PHANTOM
            Now sing for me!
            SING FOR ME MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
            SING FOR ME!
            DO IT!
            FUCKING DO IT!
            WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!


                                   Syyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnttthhhssssssss.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            What song do you you want me to sing?  Like a specific song?


                                   PHANTOM
            I don't know, just choose one note and sing it over and over
            again.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Okay.
                          (singing)
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
                          (long, deep breath)
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
                          (hyperventilates)


                                   PHANTOM
                          (in a twenty minute song that
                           goes like this:)
            OOOOHHH DARKNESS, ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT,
            MUSIC MUSIC DARKNESS ANGEL NIGHT,
            LET YOUR FEAR GIVE IN TO MUSIC
            LET YOUR MUSIC GIVE IN TO FEAR.
            DARKNESS DARKNESS ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT
            I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC
            YOU ARE MY ANGEL OF MUSIC TOO
            TOGETHER WE ARE DUAL ANGELS OF MUSICS.
                          (pacing back and forth awhile)
            MUUUUUUUUUSSSSSIIIIIIIIIICSSSSSSSSSS!!!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            This is really endearing and not creepy at all!


                                   PHANTOM
            Oh, so I wanted to show you this thing I made.  It's a wax
            figure of you, in a wedding dress.  
                          (gesturing to it very
                           presentationally)
            It's made to your exact dimensions.  And I stole some sweat 
            off of your body while you were sleeping.
            SO SHE SMELLS LIKE YOU TOO.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Ah.


                                   Christine has now fallen asleep,
                                   because "Music of the Night" was too
                                   long.


                                   The monkeything is playing a terribly
                                   composed little tune next to her.  It
                                   still doesn't mean anything.


                                   PHANTOM
                          (miming a completely
                           unintelligible song on the
                           organ)
            THIS IS MY KINGDOM.
            WHERE ALL MUST PAY HOMAGE TO MUSIC.
            CAUSE MUSIC IS MAGIC.
            LIKE THE FORCE.


                                   Christine is now awake again, and the
                                   thought of what may have happened to
                                   her while asleep is now giving her
                                   the jibblies.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I wonder what he looks like under the mask.  I bet the best
            way to find out is to just walk right up to him and pull it
            off while he's fully awake.


                                   This happens.


                                   They both drop to the floor, weeping
                                   openly, and crawling around onstage. 
                                   Maybe there is a reason for this.


                                   PHANTOM
            OOOH!  OH, YOU GOT ME!
            YOU VIXEN!  YOU HARLOT!  YOU PANDORA! YOU DELILAH!  YOU
            PERSEPHONE!  YOU OTHER LITERARY FIGURES I LOOKED UP ON THE
            SHAKESPEARE INSULT GENERATOR!


                                   The Phantom cries.  A lot.


                                   It is unbearably awkward.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Can I go home yet?


                                   YOU, THE ONE SANE
                                   THEATERGOER IN A SEA OF
                                   TOURISTS
            I finally feel for Christine's character!






            SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS, WHERE EVERYBODY PRESUMES
            RAOUL AND CHRISTINE ARE LOVERS EVEN THOUGH CHRISTINE
            DISAPPEARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY FIRST RE-MET.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            THERE ARE SO MANY LETTERS!






            SCENE: THE OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR
            LIFE.


                                   Enter a horrible costume in whiteface.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            I am cheating on my husband with a female dressed as a
            pageboy!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I am playing a mute boy who OOPS.  


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            Nineteenth century Frenchmen will watch anything!


                                   PHANTOM
            Guuuuuuyyyyyyyssssssss... 
                          (sobs ridiculously)
            You didn't listen to my casting notes AT ALLLLLLLL. 
            Now I will casually mention bringing down the Chandelier even
            though I won't decide to bring it down till the next scene.
            THIS IS WAR!


                                   PHANTOM has acquired +5 FROG 
                                   VOICE-IFICATION.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
                          (in a frog voice?)
            Wait you have the power to do what now!


                                   PHANTOM
            That's not all I can do!  Check this shit out.


                                   Hanging by the neck from the ceiling is
                                   a MANNEQUIN MADE OF SOFT GOOSEFEATHERS.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
                          (froggily)
            IT'S THE SARAN WRAP ALL OVER AGAIN!
            I am NOT the lead anymore!  PRIIIIMMMAAAA DOOOONNNAAAA!!!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Raoul, come quickly, we must go to the rooftop at night,
            because maybe Phantoms are afraid of rooftops at night.


                                   RAOUL
            There is no such thing as a Phantom.  Or maybe there is.  I
            can't decide.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Isn't it blissfully coincidental that the Phantom uses the
            same "Angel of Music" terminology that my dead Dad used to?


                                   RAOUL
            His intimate knowledge of your childhood concerns me.  How
            about I propose to you without a ring right now.  
            C'mere, hugs!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Raoul:
            Say you'll love me every waking moment,
            Say you need me with you now and always,
            Say you'll shelter me, and shower me with kisses,
            Say you'll get me pain au chocolat at 3 AM if I want you to,
            Say you'll draw me baths of the finest champagne,
            and go to ridiculous lengths to appease me when I become a
            cantankerous bitch every fourth week of the month.
            Raoul, 
            that's all I ask 
            of you.
            Also do you love me enough to sing real high?


                                   The phantom emerges from a LITERAL
                                   ANGEL OF GODDAMN MUSIC statue that is
                                   floating in the middle of air.


                                   PHANTOM
            *I* love you enough to sing real high.
            Oh, not even my +11 power to make statues float in mid-air
            could turn your love to me.
                          (sobs endlessly: a master class
                           in terrible acting)
            That's it!  It's WAR.... AGAIN!


                                        CUT TO:






            BACK AT THE OPERA, WHERE A MAN HAS DIED IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE
            HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE BUT THEY'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH A
            PERFORMANCE ANYWAY.


                                   Recorded applause reminds audience to
                                   applaud.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Oooohhh---


                                   The chandelier begins to descend slowly
                                   from the ceiling.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            Look out everyone it's falling!


                                   It continues to descend at a snail's
                                   pace.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            MOVE OUT OF THE WAY WE'RE LOSING TIME I'M THE LEAD AGAIN


                                   It has moved about a foot.


                                   FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            Quick, it's falling entirely of its own accord in a way that
            is completely unnatural to the basic laws of physics!


                                   The chandelier has stalled mid-air, and
                                   then with a lurch starts back up on its
                                   slow, inexorable journey towards the
                                   floor.


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            Get out of the way it's SPEEDING TOWARDS US.


                                   Christine has failed to move an inch,
                                   despite ample lead time, and the
                                   chandelier softly caresses her shoulder
                                   as the lights go down...


                                        OH NO IS CHRISTINE OKAY?






            SCENE: A FANCY MASQUERADE BALL.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Yeah I'm perfectly fine.


                                   PERSON DRESSED HEAD-TO-TOE
                                   IN WEIGHTED-OBJECT-MONKEY
                                   PLAYING-THE-CYMBALS COSTUME
            I obviously don't understand what a masquerade is.


                                   Everybody dances on the staircase
                                   because it takes up the entire
                                   ballroom, which was an immense failure
                                   on the architect's part.


                                   EVERYONE
            FLASH OF MAUVE, SPLASH OF PUCE 
            FOOL AND KING, GHOUL AND GOOSE 
            CURL OF LIP, SWIRL OF GOWN
            EYE OF GOLD, FACE OF CLOWN
            ACE OF BASS, COLDPLAY
            PINK FLOYD, JOHNNY RAY
            WALTER WINCHELL SOUTH PACIFIC JOE DIMAGGIO.


                                   Enter PHANTOM with a red cape and a
                                   sweet, sweet skull mask.


                                   PHANTOM
            It's me!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Oh God it's the Phantom!  I can tell by his voice, even
            though a major plot point will later hinge on not 
            recognizing his voice!


                                   RAOUL
                          (not wearing a mask cause he's
                           a wuss)
            He's in plain sight: nobody attempt to kill him.


                                   PHANTOM
            I wrote you an Opera!  I am delivering it in this very
            grandiose fashion.  Why do you balk at paying me money when I
            write Operas for you?  A synth-loving monstrosity's gotta
            eat, you know.  
            So in summation: vaguely threatening things!  And then--


                                   In a poof of smoke, he disappears.


                                   And reappears ten feet away.


                                   And then disappears.


                                   And then reappears ten feet away.


                                   And then disappears.


                                   And then reppea--


                                   PHANTOM
            Oh shit this again.






            SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            AGH MORE LETTERS!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            WHAT THE SHIT.  I'm the lead again.
            This is asinine, and it's probably your fault, Christine. 
            The creepy lady in black, however, is entirely uninvolved.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            What?  There was a guy in a Masque of the Red Death costume
            in the last scene!  Did you somehow miss that!


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            I DON'T CARE I'M A PRIMA DONNA HOW DID YOU MISS *THAT*.


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            What will we do!  We are helpless in the face of this ghost! 
            Who isn't dead!


                                   Everyone walks around in circles while
                                   the Phantom tests out the surround
                                   sound speaker system.


                                   RAOUL
            I just figured out why I'm in this plot!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            To round out an thoroughly unexciting love triangle?


                                   RAOUL
            No--I'm here to suggest we kill the Phantom!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            You're a shitty fiance.


                                   RAOUL
            Listen to me--we leave BOX FIVE open for him to sit in, and
            we put you onstage as THE BAIT, and then we have dozens of
            men aim guns at the stage.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            You're a *really* shitty fiance.  


                                   FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
            Now I'm not the lead anymore?  Wow, the casting department
            here is terrible.


                                   RAOUL
            Christine, darling, dearest, it's not like I don't care, you
            don't *have* to be a part of this, but EXTREME PRESSURE.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I refuse to be a part of this.






            SCENE: OPERA REHEARSAL, WHERE CHRISTINE IS APPARENTLY PART OF
            THIS.


                                   The Paris Opera has purchased a player
                                   piano!






            SCENE: LAVISH ELABORATE GRAVEYARD.


                                   Christine is mourning at what is
                                   probably the most luxurious grave 
                                   in the entire universe.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Oh Daddy, you sent an angel of music for me, and I appreciate
            it and all, but he's really creepy.  But also, Hal Prince
            tells me I might love him.  But also he's creepy!  I don't
            know.  Maybe a very long song in which I explore my feelings
            will help.
                          (singing)
            IF I JUST DREAMED
            WISHING I COULD HEAR YOUR VOICE
            DREAMING OF ALL THAT YOU DREAM 
            FIGHTING BACK TEARS
            TEARS OF DREAMS
            GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO TRY
            TO TRY DREAMS
            AND WISHING
            AND DREAMS MADE OF WISHES.
            DREAMS?
            WISHES.
                          (pause)
            Nope, didn't help.


                                   Phantom enters.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Oh Phantom, are you here to get me to love you by bringing my
            father back from the dead?


                                   PHANTOM
            Um, no, for whatever reason I didn't think to acquire that
            superpower.  So how about instead, you come closer, and I
            will hypnotize you with the musical stylings of Andrew Lloyd
            Webber...


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?


                                   Raoul conveniently enters.


                                   RAOUL
            Nooooo he's mesmerizing you with another power he just
            discovered he had!  Snap out of it you hussy.


                                   PHANTOM
            THIS IS WAR! STILL!
            I will make my move using +2 Harmless Flares.


                                   RAOUL
            You can do what now?
            Doesn't really matter, you keep shooting them to the side. 
            We're in front of you in case you haven't noticed.


                                   PHANTOM
            Uh, hey, what's that over there on stage left?  Maybe you
            should go check it out.


                                   RAOUL
            Okay I'll go over and-- 
            Wait you just want me to stand where the flares are going!


                                   PHANTOM
            No, really, I dropped some french money over there, I need
            you to get it for me....


                                   RAOUL
            Capital F in French, Phantom.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Hey have you considered using your magic Jedi powers to make
            your face less vomit-inducing?


                                   PHANTOM
            You don't understand my powers at all.  Plastic surgery is
            *nothing* like causing a person to suddenly speak in a
            froglike voice; it's *hard*!


                                   Raoul leaves with Christine, who for
                                   some reason looks coked up now.


                                   PHANTOM
            Ah, impotent rage!


                                   And then sparklers fill the stage!
                                   Because you *love* sparklers, don't
                                   you, you vapid idiot?






            SCENE: THE OTHER OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN
            YOUR LIFE.


                                   RAOUL
            Are the doors secure?  Is everybody locked in?  Are all the
            gunmen ready?  Can everybody in the opera audience hear me
            now as I painfully give away my plan?


                                   BOTH OPERA OWNERS
            If you have any other comments, just keep shouting them
            across the boxes during the middle of the performance.


                                   PHANTOM
                          (disguised as the Fat Italian
                           Stereotype)
            I am the ALLURING lover Don Juan, and I am covered head-to
            toe in black for some reason.  
            Which means that I write shows that makes about as much sense
            as an Andrew Lloyd Webber Rock Opera.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I have no idea it's you, Phantom, even though you're not fat
            at all, and as a singer I should be able to recognize that
            your voice is much more breathy and growly and much less fake
            Italian-accenty.


                                   PHANTOM
            Now, it's time to take all those vaguely suggestive metaphors
            I've been singing about, and turn them into REALLY DISGUSTING
            LITERAL DESCRIPTIONS OF LOVE-MAKING.


                                   Phantom sings a seductive song while dry
                                   humping Christine's leg.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I'm going to run away!  No wait I'll stay.  No I'll run away. 
            No I'll stay and pull your mask off in front of every rich
            person in Paris!


                                   RAOUL
            Oh shoot him already for Chrissakes!


                                   Everybody does, and every single one of
                                   them misses.


                                   RAOUL
            What?  That's ridicul... WHY DO I NOT CARRY A GUN?






            SCENE: IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN.


                                   Synths!  JUST FOR YOU!


                                   RAOUL
            Where are we?


                                   Enter the character who likes to
                                   pretend she doesn't know the identity
                                   of the guy who is KILLING EVERYBODY.


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            we're at the point of the show where we just ran out of
            budget for scenery. 
            with seven minutes left to the show, i should tell you that
            the phantom was born a disfigured genius.


                                   RAOUL
            So he has the ability to do random acts of pure MAGIC?


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            selectively.  unless you count nooses as magic, then all the
            time.


                                   RAOUL
            Thanks for the last minute exposition!


                                   Raoul jumps into an endless pit of
                                   water but doesn't drown or anything.


                                   WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
                                   TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
                                   SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
                                   DARK YEARS
            what the hell is my point in this musi






            SCENE: SPLASH MOUNTAIN


                                   The Awesomeboat urgently chugs along 
                                   as the fog machine urgently spits out
                                   smoke and the synths urgently, 
                                   urgently synth.


                                   PHANTOM
            Okay Christine, this is it, our final confrontation!  You 
            have to make up your mind, or else, well, let's say a certain
            person has access to flaming bags of dog doody.


                                   Enter Raoul.


                                   RAOUL
                          (to self)
            Gotta keep my hand at eye level,
            Gotta keep my hand at eye level,
            Gotta keep my hand at eye level,
            Gotta... 
                          (waving)
            Oh hi Christine!  How are AAAGHHHH.


                                   Phantom hangs Raoul.


                                   PHANTOM
                          (to CHRISTINE)
            He was bound to love you when he heard your voice. 
            Whereas me, I loved you because you're skinny.
                          (to RAOUL)
            WHY SHOULD I MAKE HER PAY FOR THE SINS THAT ARE YOURS?


                                   RAOUL
            What the fuck are you talking about, Phants?


                                   PHANTOM
            Christine: you choose me and he lives!  You don't choose me
            and I'll push the red button on my modified garage door
            opener and he'll hang!  Either way I get what I want!  
            It's all about me!  ME ME ME ME ME!  EVERYBODY DOES WHATEVER
            I SAY! 


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I don't love you.


                                   PHANTOM
            Is it because of my face?
                          (sobs uncontrollably like a
                           consumptive baby)
            Oh Christine, this face which taints our love! 


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I don't dislike you because of your vomit-inducing face;  
            I dislike you for whole BUNCHES of reasons!
            You sing under pitch. 
            You cry like a pathetic little emo kid.  You killed two
            people THAT I KNOW ABOUT.  You pretty much have nothing going
            for you.


                                   Christine spots the Christine doll
                                   tossed to the side of the PHANTOM-CAVE
                                   like a used rag.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Also have you been using my waxen doppleganger as OH GOD OH
            GOD OH GOD OH GOD I'LL NEVER BE CLEAN ENOUGH.


                                   And lo Christine, she who wast of anger
                                   towards he who was maskt, did kisseth
                                   the Phantom.


                                   And yea did Raoul turn his head, so as
                                   to not take in the sight of his beloved
                                   as she didst play at tonsil hockey, and
                                   within Raoul's own mouth didst he vomit
                                   only but a tad, and swallowed it anon.


                                   PHANTOM
            Oh man... that should keep me goin' awhile.
            NOW GO!  GO NOW!  BOTH OF YOU TAKE THE AWESOMEBOAT AND GO
            NOW!  DO IT!  FUCKING DO IT!  GOD DAMN GO!...
            Oh you're both already gone.


                                   The Phantom falls to the floor and sobs
                                   like a banshee.


                                   Christine returns.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Wait!  


                                   Long pause.  The Phantom lifts himself
                                   from the floor, his mangled face full
                                   of hope.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Nevermind.


                                   Christine leaves.  


                                   Then she comes back again.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Phantom...
            No forget it.


                                   She leaves.


                                   Enter Christine.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Um... I... Er...


                                   PHANTOM
            OH GOD YOU'RE A CRUEL LITTLE BITCH AREN'T YOU.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            I just wanted to see how ugly you were one last time.  
            Very.  
            Okay, that's all I had.


                                   PHANTOM
            Will we ever see each other again?


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            Oh God I hope not!  
            Incidentally, in 1907, I will be doing a one-off performance
            of a new opera at Coney Island under the suggestion of a
            mysterious Maestro.  SO DON'T BE THERE, okay?


                                   PHANTOM
            That seems incredibly improbable.  I hope I don't show up. 
            That would bring the cataclysmic events of 10 years prior at
            the Paris Opera crashing back into all of our lives!


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            You'd think that after going through all this shit now, I
            wouldn't sing for a mysterious anything, nevermind Maestro.


                                   THE SEQUEL
                          (is really happening, for real,
                           isn't it.)
                          (wow.)


                                   ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S CAT
            I TRIED TO DESTROY TEH SCORE BUTS HE WROTE ANOTHER ONE I DIDZ
            THE BEST I COULD... I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER?


                                   PHANTOM
            It's okay, you're a good pussy.


                                   CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
            What?!?


                                   PHANTOM
            ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?!?!


                                   Christine leaves a few more times, then
                                   leaves.


                                   PHANTOM
                          (sitting on Phantom Throne)
            Where's my cuddly blanket.  Living in a flume ride sucks.


                                   He covers himself in the Phantom Blankey
                                   and OH WOW HE GOT THE POWER TO DISAPPEAR!


                                   Enter Fourth Lead Female (remember
                                   her?) who walks over to the Phantom
                                   blankey, and pulls it off, expecting to
                                   find an ugly man napping.


                                   Instead, all that remains is his MASK! 
                                   She lifts it up very slowly so that the
                                   spotlight guy can follow it correctly.


                                   FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
                          (to audience)
            THIS IS WHAT HE WORE.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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