West Side Story: Abridged

                             "WEST SIDE STORY ABRIDGED"
                                         OR
                         "HIGH SCHOOL... SPANISH... MUSICAL"
                             A Broadway Abridged Script
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                 (With Special Thanks to Google Translate)






            SCENE: ARTHUR LAURENTS' EGOTISTICAL MIND.


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
                          (in his own words)
            I've come up with a way of doing West Side Story that will
            make it absolutely contemporary without changing a word or a
            note.


                                   EVERYBODY IN THE 
                                   ENTIRE WORLD
            That's not really necessary.  West Side Story is a classic. 
            And we're kind of okay with it being a classic, just look at
            the recent revival of South Paci--


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS (CONT'D)
            And what will annoy you is that I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU
            WHAT IT IS.
                          (pause)
            Oh, wait.  You'll be annoyed that I'm going to destroy my own
            musical, angrily clutching at it as I sink into the grave. 
            Yes, that part of it might annoy you more.






            SCENE: THE STREETS OF NEW YORK, WITH AN OVERTURE THAT MAKES
            THE SENTIMENTALIST'S HEART GO AFLUTTER.


                                   Enter Arthur Laurents' new, tough,
                                   gritty, "realistic" versions of West
                                   Side's gang members.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            See, our wrists are just slightly less limp than those of the
            original cast!  UGH!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
            EL UGH!


                                   They jump around the stage, shimmying
                                   and grinding the shoulders on their
                                   hard, dancer-like male bodies...


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            ROWR!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
            MAS!  MAS!


                                   ...which they press up against each
                                   other.


                                   Just like the gangs you know.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            HARDER!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
           ADIOS MIOS!


                                   And now they're about to have some hot,
                                   male-dancer-on-male-dancer lov--


                                   Except here are two OBLIGATORY
                                   AUTHORITY FIGURES to interrupt them!


                                   LT. SCHRANK
            You're both gangs, and I want you off the street, and also
            I'm unsubtly racist.


                                   OFFICER KRUPKE
                          (speaking one of his 4 total
                           lines in the show)
           Yeah.


                                   They exit racist-ly.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            Oooh, that Officer Krupke's lack of any actual dialogue makes
            me so much angrier at him than the Lieutenant.  Now would be
            a great time to sing a comedic song about him, and not about
            the Lieutenant.


                                   LEADER OF THE WHITE GANG 
            No, singing that in act 1 would gain the audience's
            sympathies for us early in.  Kind of like the movie.  
            Let's just sing a song about being in a gang, so people know
            we're tough.


                                   They sing a song with lots of gang-like
                                   terms, like "when the spit hits the
                                   fan" and "mother-loving street".  


                                   Just like the gangs you know.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            What if we got Matt Cavenaugh to join our gang?


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
                          (entering blandly.  Yes, he
                           even *enters* blandly.)
            Did I hear my name?


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            Could you re-join our gang and make us tougher?


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Why, does someone who looks like a J-Crew model help make
            your gang seem tougher?


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            I still fail to buy the notion that you *started* this gang.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            I'm different because now, I have GENERIC HOPES and DREAMS.  
            Something's COMING.  Something.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            Whoa, did I just miss your "I Want" song?



                                 MATT CAVENAUGH

            Apparetly.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            What did you want?


                                  MATT CAVENAUGH
            To have positive reviews to make up for me having been in
            "Urban Cowboy".  There goes that.






            SCENE: A HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM.


                                   The 20-something Jets and Sharks are
                                   hanging out in high school gymnasiums
                                   at night.


                                   Just like the gangs that you know.


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST ARTHUR
                                   LAURENTS, EVERYBODY'S LEAST
                                   FAVORITE UNCLE
            But-- Maybe my very clever, would-have-worked idea of making
            it contemporary was to cast the show so they're of age to
            actually be *in* High School!


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Arthur, I'm 31.



                                 DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST ARTHUR
                                  LAURENTS, ASSHOLE OF
                                   BROADWAY
            How would I know the difference?  I'm 90.  
            Ah well, let's just make it bilingual instead.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            WE HATE YOU, SHARKS!  WE HATE YOU!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
            ESPAÑOL ESPAÑOL ESPAÑOL ESPAÑOL!


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST ARTHUR
                                   LAURENTS, ASSHOLE OF
                                   BROADWAY
            There.  Wonderfully relevant.


                                   Matt Cavenaugh and Josefina Scaglione
                                   meet by convenience of choreography.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Hi.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
                          (emoting instead of acting, but
                           you kinda can't tell cause
                           she's foreign)
            Hola, Señor Abercrombie y El Fitch.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            I know you from somewhere.  Why do you seem so familiar to my
            true love's heart?


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Usted me conoce desde el Youtube-o.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            El Youtube-o!  Oh, you speak it so beautifully!  
            I am instantly in ridiculous young love at first sight.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Como que Shakespeare escribe en Romeo and Juliet, que
            MADE SENSE porque Romeo y Juliet estan SIXTEEN AND FOURTEEN,
            RESPECTIVELY-O.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
                          (singing)
            JOSEFINA!  I JUST MET A GIRL NAMED JOSEFINA!
            Um....
            JOSEFINA JOSEFINA JOSEFINA!
            ....
            Wow, sorry, kinda ran out of lyrics there. 
            Maybe we could have made up for that if we had that cool hip 
            daddy-o "chemistry" whiz-bang stuff that I've heard so much
            about, pops.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Oh Matt, every time you speak another "Laurents-ism", I fall
            ever more deeply in love with you.


                                   We now move to a BALCONY, because
                                   you're too stupid to get the parallels.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Oh el Matt-o, el Matt-o, donde estas thou el Matt-o?


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Josefina!


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            El Matt-o!  


                                   He joins her on the biggest frickin'
                                   fire escape ever devised by man.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE (CONT'D)
            Tonight!  Suns and moons!


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Josefina!  Tonight, Josefina, the world is a star!


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            I love you!  There's only you tonight!


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            I love you!  You're the only thing I see!  Etcetera etcetera!


                                  JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Y el resto!


                                        WE FLASH FORWARD TO...






            THIRTY YEARS LATER, WHAT THEIR LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF
            THEY HAD ENDED UP GETTING MARRIED.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
           The world is full of light.  


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Es claro that we've never really had very much to talk about.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            All the world is you and me, Josefina.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Cuando the kids grow up, I'm divorcing you.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Frankly I'm surprised we had enough sexual energy to actually
            get a bun in your oven.






           SCENE: THANK GOD KAREN OLIVO IS HERE.


                                   HISPANIC GANG LEADER
            Hola, Karen Olivo!  Como are you doing?


                                   KAREN OLIVO
           I APPRECIATE the theatrical way that your Spanish fades out
           when you're speaking to other Hispanics, even though we know
           you're probably actually speaking in Spanish.  Imagine if we
           did that in BOTH acts!  


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBER
            And I APPRECIATE that you're just generally fantastic.  You'd
            think that we could somehow get an entire cast as good as
            you.  Isn't this Broadway?


                                   KAREN OLIVO
            And I APPRECIATE less how your accent fades out, and then
            back in, and then back out again.  AI AI AI!


                                   Karen Olivo sings AMERICA which,
                                   regardless of whatever BS excuse you've
                                   heard about how "a song about America
                                   should be performed in English", is
                                   done like that simply because IT
                                   WOULDN'T BE FUNNY IN SPANISH.


                                   She dances and delivers comedy
                                   effortlessly, while the CHORUS forgets
                                   that you're supposed to enunciate when
                                   singing.


                                   HISPANIC FEMALE CHORUS
            I ANNA E I A-ERICA
            O-AY I E I A-ERICA...


                                   But for a moment...
                                   Let us take pause and imagine just the
                                   notion of a one-woman West Side Story
                                   starring Karen Olivo.


                                   Don't feel ashamed at the wistful tear
                                   forming in the corner of your eye. 
                                   There's nothing wrong with that.






           SCENE: "COOL".


                                   Enter the white gang members.


                                   They snap in unison a lot.


                                   Then they leave.






            SCENE: MATT AND JOSEFINA ARE STILL IN LOVE FOR SOME REASON.


                                   Matt Cavenaugh enters.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Matt, the gangs are fighting tomorrow.  I want you to single
            handedly bring their years of fighting to an end in one
            evening.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            I'll do that for you later so long as we can have an awkward
            dream ballet right now.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Si.  I'll just hold up this convenient bride mannequin and
            wear the veil...


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            I'll just hold up this groom mannequin and wear the top
            hat...


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            And we'll totally ignore the fact that you started a gang,
            but now you're PLAYING WITH DOLLS.






            SCENE: IS IT THE ACT ONE FINALE?


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE AND  
                                   MATT CAVANAUGH
            TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
            TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
            TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
            TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
            TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
            TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            THE SHARKS ARE GOING TO GET IT TONIGHT!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
                          (singing at the same time)
           LOS AVIONES VAN A MUERTA, uh, TONIGHT!


                                   With everybody in the cast saying
                                   "TONIGHT" one last time, and Act 1
                                   being so long, and Act 2 having four
                                   songs, this is the perfect place for an
                                   intermission to HAPPEN.


                                   Of course, it DOESN'T.






            SCENE: UNDER A RATHER IMPRESSIVE HIGHWAY SET.


                                   A random TOMBOY hangs around to watch
                                   and marvel at how awesome gangs are,
                                   because tomboys in dramatic works are
                                   always RIDICULOUS.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
            WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU!



                                   They fight.


                                  WHITE GANG MEMBERS
            LA!


                                   HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
            EL LA!!!!


                                   Uh... no, not like how people fight in
                                   a musical.  They ACTUALLY FIGHT.






            SCENE: SURE, DO THE INTERMISSION *NOW*.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Oh, muchachas!  Estoy muy happy-o!
                          (singing)
            I FEEL PRETTY
            I FEEL--


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            Hold on, this doesn't feel Gimmicky enough.  And as I always
            say, Gotta Get a Gimmick!


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Wrong musical, and you didn't write those-- 


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Lin Manuel Miranda!


                                   LIN MANUEL MIRANDA,
                                   BROADWAY'S FAVORITE HISPANIC
            OMG HI EVERYONE! :D


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            Please give Josefina those translated lyrics.


                                   LIN MANUEL MIRANDA,
                                   BROADWAY'S FAVORITE HISPANIC
            Guess what?  I GOT TO MEET SONDHEIM!  I'm so excited--I mean,
            did you hear my Tony acceptance speech?  LOL, it was
            basically a giant rap to Sondheim, even though he didn't even
            show up to collect his lifetime achievement award.  OMG
            STEPHEN SONDHEIM!


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            You did this... just to meet Sondheim...


                                  LIN MANUEL MIRANDA,
                                   BROADWAY'S FAVORITE HISPANIC
            YES I GOT TO MEET STEPHEN SONDHEIM!
            ...well, by meet, I mean I got to talk to him on the phone
            for a few minutes...BUT STILL!
            Anyway, here's the translation.


                                   KAREN OLIVO
            Hey, imagine if we performed an entire scene in a language
            that this whitebread audience hasn't spoken since high
            school.


                                   That REALLY HAPPENS.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
                          (singing as she over
                           exaggerates her blocking)
            SIENTO HERMOSA
            SIENTO HERMOSA
            SIENTO HERMOSA Y INGENIOSO Y BRILLANTE!
            Y QUE LÁSTIMA...


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            Funny, in this instance, doing it all in Spanish actually
            does make it more contemporary.  
            Because in today's day and age nobody could swallow those
            lyrics if they understood a word of them.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Can't they just read the supertitles?


                                  DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            We cut those out.  Rather than be distracted by them, I'd
            rather the audience be confused, bored, and asleep.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Also, subtitles would be admitting that this needed a
            director who actually knows how to stage foreign-language
            scenes.  
            Like an Opera Director.  Or Baz Luhrmann; it's not like he
            has work.


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            Is this really that big a deal?  Everybody knows what happens
            in the scenes--it's West Side Story.


                                   KAREN OLIVO
            Sure--then after seeing a High School Production of West Side
            to bone up on the foreign-language Broadway version, we can
            tell people to see a High School Production of Guys and
            Dolls.
            So they aren't confused when they realize the new revival has
            the complexity and nuances of a 16-bit Sega game...  
            And some of the backgrounds too, it seems.


                                   Karen Olivo FTW!






            SCENE: FIELDS OF GREEN.


                                   Everybody--Sharks, Jets, El Resto--is
                                   living in peace and happiness and
                                   harmony.  We are either in the
                                   musical's second dream ballet or a
                                   Claritin commercial.


                                   Enter that little boy from the Fiddler
                                   on the Roof revival.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Who the heck are you?


                                   LITTLE BOY
            I represent innocence? Or, your unborn lovechild.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Weren't you in NINE?


                                   LITTLE BOY
            By NINE, do you mean VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED?  Then, yes.
            Now have HAVE SEX AND CONCEIVE ME.


                                   MATT CAVENAUGH
            Wow, creepy.






            SCENE: THE OFFICER KRUPKE SONG.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            I'm still angry at the cops even though they're on our side.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBER #1
            Well, we could do something to help the plot continue to move
            forward.  Alternatively, we could stop it with a charm number
            that's too little, too late.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
                          (crazy eyes)
            CHARM NOTHING!


                                   Curtis Holbrook leads the cast in what
                                   may possibly be the first horrifyingly
                                   evil version of Office Krupke ever. 


                                   It's not funny, although there's sure a
                                   lot of people hitting each other on the
                                   head with sound effects.


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST 
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS, 
                                   GEEZER OF BROADWAY
            Aren't "funny" and "sound effects" one in the same?


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
                          (actually acting like a gang
                           member you'd be afraid to meet
                           in an alley)
            AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGH!


                                   Fair enough, Curtis.  When Karen Olivo
                                   does her one-woman West Side, you get
                                   to be the special guest star for one of
                                   the duets.






            SCENE: WHERE KAREN OLIVO TELLS JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE THAT SHE
            NEEDS TO FORGET ABOUT MATT CAVANAUGH, AND YOU DEFINITELY WANT
            TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS SCENE
            BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT AND PROPELLING PLOT
            POINTS.


                                   KAREN OLIVO
            Un muchacho como ese ¿Quién había matar a tu hermano.
            Olvídate de ese muchacho Y encontrar otro. Una de su propia 
            especie. Se atengan a su propia especie. Un muchacho como ese 
            Le dará dolor. Conocerás a otro chico mañana. Una de su 
            propia especie. Se atengan a su propia especie. 


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Anita ¡Oh no, no Anita no. No es cierto, no para mí. Es 
            cierto que usted, no para mí. He oído sus palabras. Y en mi 
            cabeza Sé que estás listo. Pero mi corazón, Anita, Pero mi 
            corazón Sabe que está mal. Usted debe saber mejor. Que estuvo
            en el amor O lo que dice. Usted debe saber mejor. Tengo un
            amor y es todo lo que tengo.




                                   KAREN OLIVO
            Un chico que mata no puede amar. Un chico que mata no tiene 
            corazón. Y él es el chico ¿Quién recibe tu amor Y recibe tu 
            corazón. Muy inteligente, María, muy inteligente. Un muchacho 
            como ese Quiere sólo una cosa. Y cuando termine Él va a dejar
            solo. Él asesinato de su amor. Él fue asesinado el mío. Sólo 
            esperar y ver. Espera María, Sólo esperar y ver.


                                   Holy crap.  Apparently you've
                                   accidentally switched to the Telemundo
                                   channel again when they're playing one
                                   of those hideous, over-acted soap
                                   operas where you don't understand
                                   what's going on.


                                   No wait a second aren't you in a
                                   theater?






            SCENE: A "PHARMACY", WHICH IN TODAY'S CONNOTATION IS A MUCH
            MORE LIKELY PLACE FOR GANG MEMBERS TO HAVE HUNG OUT AT.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            Old man who owns this Sodie Shoppe, you need to GO DOWNSTAIRS
            so you don't see us doing more gang-like things, like playing
            a jukebox and drinking Strawberry Phosphates, whatever those
            are.


                                   OLD MAN
            Allright.  But I'm going to do it because it says to in the
            script, not because I find a single damn one of you anywhere
            in the realm of "threatening".


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            Shut up, old man.


                                   OLD MAN
            YEAH WELL WHY DON'T YOU DRINK A BEER! 


                                   Enter Karen Olivo.


                                   KAREN OLIVO
            I am here with a mis-delivered message for Matt Cavenaugh, so
            the two romantic leads don't have to take medicines to
            pretend they're dead or anything.


                                   WHITE GANG MEMBER #1
            Arthur can I smoke some pot?

                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            No.


                                  WHITE GANG MEMBER #2
            Can I say a cuss word?


                                  DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            No.


                                   CURTIS HOLBROOK
            Arthur, can we attempt to rape her?


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
            Yeah that's perfectly fine.  


                                   They DO.


                                   Because the thing that was definitely
                                   missing from West Side Story was RAPE.






            SCENE: ENDING.


                                   Matt Cavenaugh is dead.


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            ¿Cómo utilizar esta arma?  Are there enough bullets in here
            para ti?  


                                   Josefina melodramatically waves a gun
                                   in the air while speaking more
                                   unintelligible Spanglish.


                                  JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
            Y for usted?  Y will there be suficiente for mí­?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Come on, why the heck can't I even understand what's going on
            during the ending?  Why's the hispanic girl holding a gun?



                                  LT. SCHRANK
            A HISPANIC GIRL'S HOLDING A GUN?!?!?!?!?


                                   Enter thirty policemen, who open fire
                                   on Josefina Scaglione.


                                   LT. SCHRANK
            That'll teach them.  That'll teach them all how the play
            really ends!


                                   He then opens fire on Arthur Laurents.


                                   DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST      
                                   ARTHUR LAURENTS
                          (dying)
            But.... I'm... so.... old....
            Waste... of... bullets..


                                   And then takes off his mask to reveal
                                   that he's actually...


                                   LT. SCHRANK, A.K.A.
                                   WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!
            We tell the story MY WAY, and I said the girl dies too.  So
            screw all of you.
            ....But I'm still racist.  


                                   He shoots Josefina in the head a few
                                   more times.


                                   LT. SCHRANK, A.K.A.  
                                   WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!
            Damn spics.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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