"WEST SIDE STORY ABRIDGED"
OR
"HIGH SCHOOL... SPANISH... MUSICAL"
A Broadway Abridged Script
By Gil Varod
(With Special Thanks to Google Translate)
SCENE: ARTHUR LAURENTS' EGOTISTICAL MIND.
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
(in his own words)
I've come up with a way of doing West Side Story that will
make it absolutely contemporary without changing a word or a
note.
EVERYBODY IN THE
ENTIRE WORLD
That's not really necessary. West Side Story is a classic.
And we're kind of okay with it being a classic, just look at
the recent revival of South Paci--
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS (CONT'D)
And what will annoy you is that I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS.
(pause)
Oh, wait. You'll be annoyed that I'm going to destroy my own
musical, angrily clutching at it as I sink into the grave.
Yes, that part of it might annoy you more.
SCENE: THE STREETS OF NEW YORK, WITH AN OVERTURE THAT MAKES
THE SENTIMENTALIST'S HEART GO AFLUTTER.
Enter Arthur Laurents' new, tough,
gritty, "realistic" versions of West
Side's gang members.
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
See, our wrists are just slightly less limp than those of the
original cast! UGH!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
EL UGH!
They jump around the stage, shimmying
and grinding the shoulders on their
hard, dancer-like male bodies...
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
ROWR!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
MAS! MAS!
...which they press up against each
other.
Just like the gangs you know.
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
HARDER!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
ADIOS MIOS!
And now they're about to have some hot,
male-dancer-on-male-dancer lov--
Except here are two OBLIGATORY
AUTHORITY FIGURES to interrupt them!
LT. SCHRANK
You're both gangs, and I want you off the street, and also
I'm unsubtly racist.
OFFICER KRUPKE
(speaking one of his 4 total
lines in the show)
Yeah.
They exit racist-ly.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
Oooh, that Officer Krupke's lack of any actual dialogue makes
me so much angrier at him than the Lieutenant. Now would be
a great time to sing a comedic song about him, and not about
the Lieutenant.
LEADER OF THE WHITE GANG
No, singing that in act 1 would gain the audience's
sympathies for us early in. Kind of like the movie.
Let's just sing a song about being in a gang, so people know
we're tough.
They sing a song with lots of gang-like
terms, like "when the spit hits the
fan" and "mother-loving street".
Just like the gangs you know.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
What if we got Matt Cavenaugh to join our gang?
MATT CAVENAUGH
(entering blandly. Yes, he
even *enters* blandly.)
Did I hear my name?
CURTIS HOLBROOK
Could you re-join our gang and make us tougher?
MATT CAVENAUGH
Why, does someone who looks like a J-Crew model help make
your gang seem tougher?
CURTIS HOLBROOK
I still fail to buy the notion that you *started* this gang.
MATT CAVENAUGH
I'm different because now, I have GENERIC HOPES and DREAMS.
Something's COMING. Something.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
Whoa, did I just miss your "I Want" song?
MATT CAVENAUGH
Apparently.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
What did you want?
MATT CAVENAUGH
To have positive reviews to make up for me having been in
"Urban Cowboy". There goes that.
SCENE: A HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM.
The 20-something Jets and Sharks are
hanging out in high school gymnasiums
at night.
Just like the gangs that you know.
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST ARTHUR
LAURENTS, EVERYBODY'S LEAST
FAVORITE UNCLE
But-- Maybe my very clever, would-have-worked idea of making
it contemporary was to cast the show so they're of age to
actually be *in* High School!
MATT CAVENAUGH
Arthur, I'm 31.
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST ARTHUR
LAURENTS, ASSHOLE OF
BROADWAY
How would I know the difference? I'm 90.
Ah well, let's just make it bilingual instead.
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
WE HATE YOU, SHARKS! WE HATE YOU!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
ESPAÑOL ESPAÑOL ESPAÑOL ESPAÑOL!
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST ARTHUR
LAURENTS, ASSHOLE OF
BROADWAY
There. Wonderfully relevant.
Matt Cavenaugh and Josefina Scaglione
meet by convenience of choreography.
MATT CAVENAUGH
Hi.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
(emoting instead of acting, but
you kinda can't tell cause
she's foreign)
Hola, Señor Abercrombie y El Fitch.
MATT CAVENAUGH
I know you from somewhere. Why do you seem so familiar to my
true love's heart?
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Usted me conoce desde el Youtube-o.
MATT CAVENAUGH
El Youtube-o! Oh, you speak it so beautifully!
I am instantly in ridiculous young love at first sight.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Como que Shakespeare escribe en Romeo and Juliet, que
MADE SENSE porque Romeo y Juliet estan SIXTEEN AND FOURTEEN,
RESPECTIVELY-O.
MATT CAVENAUGH
(singing)
JOSEFINA! I JUST MET A GIRL NAMED JOSEFINA!
Um....
JOSEFINA JOSEFINA JOSEFINA!
....
Wow, sorry, kinda ran out of lyrics there.
Maybe we could have made up for that if we had that cool hip
daddy-o "chemistry" whiz-bang stuff that I've heard so much
about, pops.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Oh Matt, every time you speak another "Laurents-ism", I fall
ever more deeply in love with you.
We now move to a BALCONY, because
you're too stupid to get the parallels.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Oh el Matt-o, el Matt-o, donde estas thou el Matt-o?
MATT CAVENAUGH
Josefina!
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
El Matt-o!
He joins her on the biggest frickin'
fire escape ever devised by man.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE (CONT'D)
Tonight! Suns and moons!
MATT CAVENAUGH
Josefina! Tonight, Josefina, the world is a star!
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
I love you! There's only you tonight!
MATT CAVENAUGH
I love you! You're the only thing I see! Etcetera etcetera!
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Y el resto!
WE FLASH FORWARD TO...
THIRTY YEARS LATER, WHAT THEIR LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF
THEY HAD ENDED UP GETTING MARRIED.
MATT CAVENAUGH
The world is full of light.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Es claro that we've never really had very much to talk about.
MATT CAVENAUGH
All the world is you and me, Josefina.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Cuando the kids grow up, I'm divorcing you.
MATT CAVENAUGH
Frankly I'm surprised we had enough sexual energy to actually
get a bun in your oven.
SCENE: THANK GOD KAREN OLIVO IS HERE.
HISPANIC GANG LEADER
Hola, Karen Olivo! Como are you doing?
KAREN OLIVO
I APPRECIATE the theatrical way that your Spanish fades out
when you're speaking to other Hispanics, even though we know
you're probably actually speaking in Spanish. Imagine if we
did that in BOTH acts!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBER
And I APPRECIATE that you're just generally fantastic. You'd
think that we could somehow get an entire cast as good as
you. Isn't this Broadway?
KAREN OLIVO
And I APPRECIATE less how your accent fades out, and then
back in, and then back out again. AI AI AI!
Karen Olivo sings AMERICA which,
regardless of whatever BS excuse you've
heard about how "a song about America
should be performed in English", is
done like that simply because IT
WOULDN'T BE FUNNY IN SPANISH.
She dances and delivers comedy
effortlessly, while the CHORUS forgets
that you're supposed to enunciate when
singing.
HISPANIC FEMALE CHORUS
I ANNA E I A-ERICA
O-AY I E I A-ERICA...
But for a moment...
Let us take pause and imagine just the
notion of a one-woman West Side Story
starring Karen Olivo.
Don't feel ashamed at the wistful tear
forming in the corner of your eye.
There's nothing wrong with that.
SCENE: "COOL".
Enter the white gang members.
They snap in unison a lot.
Then they leave.
SCENE: MATT AND JOSEFINA ARE STILL IN LOVE FOR SOME REASON.
Matt Cavenaugh enters.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Matt, the gangs are fighting tomorrow. I want you to single
handedly bring their years of fighting to an end in one
evening.
MATT CAVENAUGH
I'll do that for you later so long as we can have an awkward
dream ballet right now.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Si. I'll just hold up this convenient bride mannequin and
wear the veil...
MATT CAVENAUGH
I'll just hold up this groom mannequin and wear the top
hat...
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
And we'll totally ignore the fact that you started a gang,
but now you're PLAYING WITH DOLLS.
SCENE: IS IT THE ACT ONE FINALE?
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE AND
MATT CAVANAUGH
TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT,
TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT.
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
THE SHARKS ARE GOING TO GET IT TONIGHT!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
(singing at the same time)
LOS AVIONES VAN A MUERTA, uh, TONIGHT!
With everybody in the cast saying
"TONIGHT" one last time, and Act 1
being so long, and Act 2 having four
songs, this is the perfect place for an
intermission to HAPPEN.
Of course, it DOESN'T.
SCENE: UNDER A RATHER IMPRESSIVE HIGHWAY SET.
A random TOMBOY hangs around to watch
and marvel at how awesome gangs are,
because tomboys in dramatic works are
always RIDICULOUS.
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU!
They fight.
WHITE GANG MEMBERS
LA!
HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS
EL LA!!!!
Uh... no, not like how people fight in
a musical. They ACTUALLY FIGHT.
SCENE: SURE, DO THE INTERMISSION *NOW*.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Oh, muchachas! Estoy muy happy-o!
(singing)
I FEEL PRETTY
I FEEL--
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
Hold on, this doesn't feel Gimmicky enough. And as I always
say, Gotta Get a Gimmick!
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Wrong musical, and you didn't write those--
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Lin Manuel Miranda!
LIN MANUEL MIRANDA,
BROADWAY'S FAVORITE HISPANIC
OMG HI EVERYONE! :D
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
Please give Josefina those translated lyrics.
LIN MANUEL MIRANDA,
BROADWAY'S FAVORITE HISPANIC
Guess what? I GOT TO MEET SONDHEIM! I'm so excited--I mean,
did you hear my Tony acceptance speech? LOL, it was
basically a giant rap to Sondheim, even though he didn't even
show up to collect his lifetime achievement award. OMG
STEPHEN SONDHEIM!
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
You did this... just to meet Sondheim...
LIN MANUEL MIRANDA,
BROADWAY'S FAVORITE HISPANIC
YES I GOT TO MEET STEPHEN SONDHEIM!
...well, by meet, I mean I got to talk to him on the phone
for a few minutes...BUT STILL!
Anyway, here's the translation.
KAREN OLIVO
Hey, imagine if we performed an entire scene in a language
that this whitebread audience hasn't spoken since high
school.
That REALLY HAPPENS.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
(singing as she over
exaggerates her blocking)
SIENTO HERMOSA
SIENTO HERMOSA
SIENTO HERMOSA Y INGENIOSO Y BRILLANTE!
Y QUE LÁSTIMA...
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
Funny, in this instance, doing it all in Spanish actually
does make it more contemporary.
Because in today's day and age nobody could swallow those
lyrics if they understood a word of them.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Can't they just read the supertitles?
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
We cut those out. Rather than be distracted by them, I'd
rather the audience be confused, bored, and asleep.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Also, subtitles would be admitting that this needed a
director who actually knows how to stage foreign-language
scenes.
Like an Opera Director. Or Baz Luhrmann; it's not like he
has work.
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
Is this really that big a deal? Everybody knows what happens
in the scenes--it's West Side Story.
KAREN OLIVO
Sure--then after seeing a High School Production of West Side
to bone up on the foreign-language Broadway version, we can
tell people to see a High School Production of Guys and
Dolls.
So they aren't confused when they realize the new revival has
the complexity and nuances of a 16-bit Sega game...
And some of the backgrounds too, it seems.
Karen Olivo FTW!
SCENE: FIELDS OF GREEN.
Everybody--Sharks, Jets, El Resto--is
living in peace and happiness and
harmony. We are either in the
musical's second dream ballet or a
Claritin commercial.
Enter that little boy from the Fiddler
on the Roof revival.
MATT CAVENAUGH
Who the heck are you?
LITTLE BOY
I represent innocence? Or, your unborn lovechild.
MATT CAVENAUGH
Weren't you in NINE?
LITTLE BOY
By NINE, do you mean VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED? Then, yes.
Now have HAVE SEX AND CONCEIVE ME.
MATT CAVENAUGH
Wow, creepy.
SCENE: THE OFFICER KRUPKE SONG.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
I'm still angry at the cops even though they're on our side.
WHITE GANG MEMBER #1
Well, we could do something to help the plot continue to move
forward. Alternatively, we could stop it with a charm number
that's too little, too late.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
(crazy eyes)
CHARM NOTHING!
Curtis Holbrook leads the cast in what
may possibly be the first horrifyingly
evil version of Office Krupke ever.
It's not funny, although there's sure a
lot of people hitting each other on the
head with sound effects.
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS,
GEEZER OF BROADWAY
Aren't "funny" and "sound effects" one in the same?
CURTIS HOLBROOK
(actually acting like a gang
member you'd be afraid to meet
in an alley)
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGH!
Fair enough, Curtis. When Karen Olivo
does her one-woman West Side, you get
to be the special guest star for one of
the duets.
SCENE: WHERE KAREN OLIVO TELLS JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE THAT SHE
NEEDS TO FORGET ABOUT MATT CAVANAUGH, AND YOU DEFINITELY WANT
TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS SCENE
BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT AND PROPELLING PLOT
POINTS.
KAREN OLIVO
Un muchacho como ese ¿Quién había matar a tu hermano.
Olvídate de ese muchacho Y encontrar otro. Una de su propia
especie. Se atengan a su propia especie. Un muchacho como ese
Le dará dolor. Conocerás a otro chico mañana. Una de su
propia especie. Se atengan a su propia especie.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Anita ¡Oh no, no Anita no. No es cierto, no para mí. Es
cierto que usted, no para mí. He oído sus palabras. Y en mi
cabeza Sé que estás listo. Pero mi corazón, Anita, Pero mi
corazón Sabe que está mal. Usted debe saber mejor. Que estuvo
en el amor O lo que dice. Usted debe saber mejor. Tengo un
amor y es todo lo que tengo.
KAREN OLIVO
Un chico que mata no puede amar. Un chico que mata no tiene
corazón. Y él es el chico ¿Quién recibe tu amor Y recibe tu
corazón. Muy inteligente, María, muy inteligente. Un muchacho
como ese Quiere sólo una cosa. Y cuando termine Él va a dejar
solo. Él asesinato de su amor. Él fue asesinado el mío. Sólo
esperar y ver. Espera María, Sólo esperar y ver.
Holy crap. Apparently you've
accidentally switched to the Telemundo
channel again when they're playing one
of those hideous, over-acted soap
operas where you don't understand
what's going on.
No wait a second aren't you in a
theater?
SCENE: A "PHARMACY", WHICH IN TODAY'S CONNOTATION IS A MUCH
MORE LIKELY PLACE FOR GANG MEMBERS TO HAVE HUNG OUT AT.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
Old man who owns this Sodie Shoppe, you need to GO DOWNSTAIRS
so you don't see us doing more gang-like things, like playing
a jukebox and drinking Strawberry Phosphates, whatever those
are.
OLD MAN
Allright. But I'm going to do it because it says to in the
script, not because I find a single damn one of you anywhere
in the realm of "threatening".
CURTIS HOLBROOK
Shut up, old man.
OLD MAN
YEAH WELL WHY DON'T YOU DRINK A BEER!
Enter Karen Olivo.
KAREN OLIVO
I am here with a mis-delivered message for Matt Cavenaugh, so
the two romantic leads don't have to take medicines to
pretend they're dead or anything.
WHITE GANG MEMBER #1
Arthur can I smoke some pot?
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
No.
WHITE GANG MEMBER #2
Can I say a cuss word?
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
No.
CURTIS HOLBROOK
Arthur, can we attempt to rape her?
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
Yeah that's perfectly fine.
They DO.
Because the thing that was definitely
missing from West Side Story was RAPE.
SCENE: ENDING.
Matt Cavenaugh is dead.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
¿Cómo utilizar esta arma? Are there enough bullets in here
para ti?
Josefina melodramatically waves a gun
in the air while speaking more
unintelligible Spanglish.
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
Y for usted? Y will there be suficiente for mí?
AUDIENCE
Come on, why the heck can't I even understand what's going on
during the ending? Why's the hispanic girl holding a gun?
LT. SCHRANK
A HISPANIC GIRL'S HOLDING A GUN?!?!?!?!?
Enter thirty policemen, who open fire
on Josefina Scaglione.
LT. SCHRANK
That'll teach them. That'll teach them all how the play
really ends!
He then opens fire on Arthur Laurents.
DIRECTOR/LIBRETTIST
ARTHUR LAURENTS
(dying)
But.... I'm... so.... old....
Waste... of... bullets..
And then takes off his mask to reveal
that he's actually...
LT. SCHRANK, A.K.A.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!
We tell the story MY WAY, and I said the girl dies too. So
screw all of you.
....But I'm still racist.
He shoots Josefina in the head a few
more times.
LT. SCHRANK, A.K.A.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!
Damn spics.
BLACKOUT.
West Side Story: Abridged
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