Let's imagine something. It's a world where Television shows, Movies, and Theatre each have their own award nights where they do stuff on a stage.
Imagine if, just once, the Theatre award night was the one that schooled the others on how to do stuff on a stage?
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it's about time.
THE 2011 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED
A "Broadway Abridged" Recap
Presented with "BADOOP BADOOP" Technology by Tivo(TM)
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE BEACON THEATRE, HOME OF LAST YEAR'S CRAPPY CIRQUE
DU SOLEIL SHOW. AND THIS YEAR'S TONY AWARDS. BECAUSE THE
SUNDAY PERFORMANCE OF THIS YEAR'S NOT-AS-CRAPPY CIRQUE DU
SOLEIL SHOW IS CLEARLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN, YOU KNOW A FULL
YEAR OF BROADWAY.
Enter that guy who hosts everything
nowadays.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Ladies and gentlemen, how do you think I'm going to start
this show? Should I sing?
AUDIENCE
Well you--
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Should I dance?
AUDIENCE
It's obvious you're--
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SHOULD I OPEN THE SHOW WITH A SONG AND
A DANCE?
AUDIENCE
For god's sake, you sing and dance to open an awards show
even when it's actually hosted by Alec Baldwin.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
OF COURSE I'M GOING TO SING AND DANCE!
And I'm going to dance about how Broadway isn't just for Gay
people!
DANCERS IN NAVY UNIFORMS AND
CROSSDRESSING NIGHTQUEENS
BACKSTAGE
Yeah that's clearly not going to be true for more than three
minutes.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
What do you have to say, Brooke Shields?
BROOKE SHIELDS
Lgksjdoigjrelvdkmfglskvjdrvgiosmlerkgmpseiorjgmerg
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Excellent.
So, yeah. See Brooke Shields in Addams Family.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
We've basically gone one-note on how to make Broadway
relevant to America. Now who wants to hear that obligatory
Glee joke?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
A GRIZZLY BEAR
Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin. I used to be in plays. Then I got
that TV show with Tina Fey and that homophobic black dude.
Now when it comes to Broadway, I'm too good to even bother
writing a presenter joke! Also: to shave.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
FEATURED ACTRESS
ELLEN BARNKIN
I'm going to thank Larry Kramer, so he gets some good kudos
before he comes onstage and begins handing out leaflets.
ORCHESTRA
Hey Ellen, we're gonna start playing our "hurry it up" music--
FEATURED ACTRESS ELLEN
BARNKIN
But my show is about AIDS.
ORCHESTRA
Oh, then take your time.
The world is your Human Immunodeficiency Oyster.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ROBERT MORSE
I originated the lead in How to Succeed, and won.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
And I played that same role in the revival, and won.
ROBERT MORSE
It's a great role. Tony-worthy!
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Tony-worthy.
THE NOT-EVEN-NOMINATED
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(with gravity-defying hairdo)
You guys suck.
ROBERT MORSE
(holding up his Tony award)
Ms. Perry would say otherwise.
MATTHEW BRODERICK
(also holding up his Tony)
Can you imagine? Somewhere out there, the following words
have been spoken by somebody: "He's no Matthew Broderick."
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(blinds himself with a spike)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
The cast of How to Succeed chooses to
perform "Brotherhood of Man".
Big surprise.
CAMERAMAN
Anybody mind if I do weird close-ups of John Larroquette
while he's not singing and then go to never-ending sweeps
back and forth across the stage OH WAIT I DON'T CARE.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
You know what would go real well right here? A
Schwarzenegger joke that's like a month old.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
VIOLA DAVIS
Hi, I'm Viola Davis. You swear that you must know me from
something famous. The name sounds so familiar, right?
And it can't just be from that one scene in that Priest play.
Anyway, here's yet another award for NORMAL HEART.
NORMAL HEART WINNER
You know what would be great for ratings? Reminding people
that there's a Mavericks game on.
LARRY KRAMER
I dressed up for the Tonys! I put on my cult robes..
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
EYE-CANDY AARON TVEIT
Hi everyone, I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio. Not even almost.
Were you considering seeing Catch Me If You Can The Musical?
Not sure? Well, why not watch literally the ONLY good song
in the show so there's no reason to anymore.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
My god, I can sell anything--
Suddenly the show bleeps, and we see a
fuzzy shot from the roof.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
What the heck was that?
EYE-CANDY AARON TVEIT
Maybe somebody realized that this song only is decent when
it's a breath of fresh air after half an act of a painfully
boring musical.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
I can't hear you over me DANCING LIKE I JUST GOT OFF THE
SHORT BUS.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ANNOUNCER
Coming up next, the Book of Mormon.
Hey, does anybody remember when The Producers won that one
year, and we just kept saying that The Producers was coming
up in the beginning of every single commercial break?
Yeah, just checking.
ALSO WATCH MORE HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER CBS CARES!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I went on All That Chat and found the bitchiest Spider-Man
jokes that you've already heard. Will they sound funnier if
I say them faster?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
DAVID HYDE PIERCE
Directors need "communication".
This is important.
I'm going to mispronounce the word "communication".
This passes for humor.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
DIRECTOR OF WAR HORSE
Thahnk you for this award for best prohduction of a plahy.
In cahse you cahn't tell, I'm British. I say "craft" like
this: "crahft". Have I mentioned the National Theatre in
London yet? Well: National Theatre in London. Don't you
wanker yahnks have a national theatre yet?
Here's some British womahn, she's going to also help make
your American Theatre seem even more impotent, even in a
season with a billion new plays.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
DON CHEADLE
I'm introducing Scottsboro Boys because I'm black?
Is that what we've pretty much settled on?
Wow.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
I'd like to stop here for a moment and ponder:
Who writes my jokes?
I must have writers.
So, why don't other people who host things have jokes written
for them by, you know, people who are good at that?
Seems obvious, right CATWOMAN?
ANNE HATHAWAY
Wait what?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Nothing. Now, please welcome Angela Lansbury, who is so old
she doesn't remember being tricked into signing a contract
promising to do the obligatory Theatre Is Important speech of
the night.
ANGELA LANSBURY
Podcasts.
Portable Media Players.
See how effortlessly I say them so that it seems really clear
that I have no idea what either of those are.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
HARRY CONNICK, JR.
One of these fine women will take a Tony award home because
her colleagues believed that she gave the best performance.
I'm sorry, did I say colleagues? I meant "People who own
touring theaters".
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
BOOK OF MORMON'S
NIKKI M. JAMES
They are saying wrap it up, but I won't leave the stage! MY
MUSICAL HAS THE WORDS AIDS IN IT TOO, GUYS!
YOU
(kind of want to take her home)
(no, in a pure way.)
(like, to Mom)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
HUGH JACKMAN
I'm going to make a joke about the Beacon Theatre, even
though Beacon, Radio City--it all looks the same on TV.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Hugh, wanna dance with me and further confuse people as to
whether or not you're gay?
HUGH JACKMAN
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FABULOUSSSSS IDEA!
IDEA THAT "BROADWAY ISN'T
JUST FOR GAYS ANYMORE"
(was discarded long ago, don't
you worry)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
BROOKE SHIELDS
Come see me in Addams Family. Also, I'm really sorry before
for my FUUUUUU----
FUZZY BLEEPED SHOT OF STAGE
(welcome back)
BROOKE SHIELDS
YEdaLskdjasoiduhaoirdjaoisdjlaksdj--
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
So, Addams Family is closing.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
JOHN LAROQUETTE
Only a Night Court actor could give a Tony acceptance speech
and make it seem like you just woke him up.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
BONO
Hi, I insist that my name is "Bono".
THE EDGE
And I insist that people call me "The Edge", inclusive of the
word "The".
BONO
We're...
We're really sorry about Spider-Man.
THE EDGE
We thought Musicals would be easy, but we were wrong.
BONO
So wrong.
THE EDGE
And now taking the section that is usually reserved for yet
another Jersey boys performance, here is a really boring song
from Spider-Man, which hasn't opened but has somehow weaseled
its way in.
BONO
We're doing a number that shows that the show isn't all about
mediocre flying sequences--
THE EDGE
But also mediocre lyrics and music!
BONO
And mediocre direction.
THE EDGE
You know, we give a lot of credit to you people.
BONO
And by "you people", The Edge is clearly talking about The
Gays.
THE EDGE
But the point is, we're sorry... Spider-Man opens next
week... and we still get to perform tonight...
and we're sorry.
BONO
Sorry.
THE EDGE
Sorry.
BONO
We feel bad.
AUDIENCE
Aww.
BONO AND THE EDGE'S
PUBLICIST
They're doing it! They're acting humble and it's working--
THE EDGE
(actually to the TV)
This Being Humble thing is working.
BONO AND THE EDGE'S
PUBLICIST
Wow. Way to shoot yourself in the foot.
Or... sling yourself in the... equity board... something?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ROBIN WILLIAMS
If you've watched enough of my comedy through the years,
you'd know that every other appearance I make has a Khadafi
joke. I wasn't nominated, but here's another award that Book
of Mormon won.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
You know how when I host stuff, I have this gag where I'm
dressed up in the costumes of that year's shows or movies?
Who wants to guess what show I'm dressed up as?
(pause)
No, just kidding, I'm just wearing ugly, ugly clothing and a
witch hat.
Anyway, here's a Sister Act scene, to cement in that it's
just as crappy as you figure it to be.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
A few months ago this one time, some kids saw Memphis, the
newest "Worst Best Musical Ever", and then danced in the
aisle a bunch... ...
...
So... that's a good enough reason to let Memphis perform
again, right?
CAST OF MEMPHIS
(singing award-winning lyrics)
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
KIDS DANCING IN THE AISLE
(have supposedly learned a
whole bunch of choreography)
CHOREOGRAPHY
(is just another word for
"clapping")
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
And now please welcome an Academy-Award winner who is going
to be playing Martin Luther King, Jr in an upcoming play.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I HAVE A MUTHAFUCKIN' DREAM!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
MORE WAR HORSE WINNERS
We would also like to congratulate the American cast who were
able to master very difficult English dialects, even though
they're stupid Americans.
Now let's all go see a performance of that classic British
piece of art, ENRON.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
JOEL GRAY
Wouldn't I be like the Best Grandpa? Anyway, here's Sutton
Foster smiling and dancing a lot in a great production of a
stupid, stupid musical.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
JAMES EARL JONES
Theatres...
are shrines.
They are...
mysterious temples...
brimming with magic.
The floorboards....
are worn down by...
generations of...
players.
The curtains...
are imbued...
with secrets of...
days...
gone...
by.
The audience...
will never tell...
the voice of Darth Vader...
to Hurry Up.
VANESSA REDGRAVE
Plays live in the present...
Live in the past...
Live in the future...
Live in the past-pluperfect....
Live in alternate dimensions...
Uh...
...
...
So who wants to see a clip of ELLING?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
CHRISTINE BRINKLEY
SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE WERE IN A TERRIBLE BARELY-REHEARSED
PRODUCTION OF "COMPANY"!
THEY ALSO TURNED IT INTO A MOVIE!
I CLEARLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE PHRASE "TAPED PERFORMANCE"
IS DIFFERENT THAN "MOVIE"!
LOOK HOW EVERYBODY DANCES TO A DIFFERENT RHYTHM THAN EACH
OTHER!
WHO GAVE ME ALL THIS SUGAR?
(has a seizure)
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
So yeah... uh... see Christine Brinkley in Chicago.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
KELSEY GRAMMAR
And the award for best revival of a musical goes to SOMETHING
ACTUALLY DONE BY THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE!
ROUNDABOUT ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
TODD HAIMES
But---I don't remember what a Tony Award looks like!
Hell, I don't remember how to walk up the stairs to the
winner's stage!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
TYNE DAILY
Hi, I'm here to introduce the dead people. If you liked
anybody while they were alive more than you liked the other
people who died, do remember to keep a sense of decorum and
audibly clap even harder just for them, K?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
FRANCES MCDORMAND
I AM PLAYING A CLASSIC AMERICAN HERO!
I LOVE MY JOB!
I HAVE BEEN IN STREETCAR!
YOUNG ACTORS WILL ONE DAY PLAY MY ROLE!
I WAS IN CHEKHOV!
I PLAYED ALL THREE SISTERS!
I LÜV MY JOB! NRRRRGH!
AUDIENCE
What the--
ALICE RIPLEY PULLING OFF HER
FRANCES MCDORMAND MASK
ALICE RIPLEY FOOLED YÜ! FRANCES MCDORMAND REALLY ALICE
RIPLEY IN FRANCES MCDORMAND MASK! GRRRH! ARGH!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
SUTTON FOSTER
No dresser, don't leave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
PAUL SCHAFFER
Hi, I'm celebrity Paul Schaffer, brought onto this show to
help with the ratings---
Crickets.
PAUL SCHAFFER
Oh right. Nobody really know who the hell I am nowadays.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
We'll be right back after these commercials for How I Met--
WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME? YOU'RE NOT HUGH JACKMAN AT ALL!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
All of the actors vying for best actor in a play bring
emotional depth to their roles.
Something I do not.
The winner is Mark Rylance!
MARK RYLANCE
(accepting his award)
Goodnight comb. And goodnight brush. Goodnight nobody.
Goodnight mush. And goodnight to the old lady whispering
"Hush".
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
All of the actors vying for best actor in a musical are
triple threats.
Something I am not.
The winner is Norbert Leo Butz, mostly because everybody
feels bad that he was in such a piece of crap.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
I just want to point to my wife, right there. SHE WAS THE
ORIGINAL NESSAROSE IN WICKED! Isn't that kind of awesome?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
CHRIS ROCK
And now, the award for best musical, and no surprise I
actually have the balls to say we all know who's winning.
Have you not seen Book of Mormon yet? Well, you have twenty
seconds before it becomes impossible to get tickets through
2012 TOO LATE THE BOOK OF MORMON WINS!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
What's the best part of Lin Manuel-Miranda rapping?
Is it his amazing ability to rap?
Or is it just his writing, and really anybody could rap even
if they were really, really white?
LIN MANUEL-MIRANDA
You can rap all you want to, White boy. This year's Tonys
were actually good.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
We should make them good *every* year!
...
...
So, uh, was anybody out there taking notes?
BLACKOUT.
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