The 2011 Tony Awards: Abridged

| 6 Comments
Let's imagine something.  It's a world where Television shows, Movies, and Theatre each have their own award nights where they do stuff on a stage.
Imagine if, just once, the Theatre award night was the one that schooled the others on how to do stuff on a stage?
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it's about time.


                           THE 2011 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED
                             A "Broadway Abridged" Recap
                Presented with "BADOOP BADOOP" Technology by Tivo(TM)
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: THE BEACON THEATRE, HOME OF LAST YEAR'S CRAPPY CIRQUE
            DU SOLEIL SHOW.  AND THIS YEAR'S TONY AWARDS.  BECAUSE THE
            SUNDAY PERFORMANCE OF THIS YEAR'S NOT-AS-CRAPPY CIRQUE DU
            SOLEIL SHOW IS CLEARLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN, YOU KNOW A FULL
            YEAR OF BROADWAY.


                                   Enter that guy who hosts everything
                                   nowadays.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Ladies and gentlemen, how do you think I'm going to start
            this show?  Should I sing?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Well you--


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Should I dance?


                                   AUDIENCE
            It's obvious you're--


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SHOULD I OPEN THE SHOW WITH A SONG AND
            A DANCE?


                                   AUDIENCE
            For god's sake, you sing and dance to open an awards show
            even when it's actually hosted by Alec Baldwin.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            OF COURSE I'M GOING TO SING AND DANCE!
            And I'm going to dance about how Broadway isn't just for Gay
            people!


                                   DANCERS IN NAVY UNIFORMS AND
                                   CROSSDRESSING NIGHTQUEENS
                                   BACKSTAGE
            Yeah that's clearly not going to be true for more than three
            minutes.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            What do you have to say, Brooke Shields?


                                   BROOKE SHIELDS
            Lgksjdoigjrelvdkmfglskvjdrvgiosmlerkgmpseiorjgmerg


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Excellent.
            So, yeah.  See Brooke Shields in Addams Family.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            We've basically gone one-note on how to make Broadway
            relevant to America.  Now who wants to hear that obligatory
            Glee joke?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   A GRIZZLY BEAR
            Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin.  I used to be in plays.  Then I got
            that TV show with Tina Fey and that homophobic black dude. 
            Now when it comes to Broadway, I'm too good to even bother
            writing a presenter joke!  Also: to shave.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   FEATURED ACTRESS       
                                   ELLEN BARNKIN
            I'm going to thank Larry Kramer, so he gets some good kudos
            before he comes onstage and begins handing out leaflets.


                                   ORCHESTRA
            Hey Ellen, we're gonna start playing our "hurry it up" music--


                                   FEATURED ACTRESS ELLEN
                                   BARNKIN
            But my show is about AIDS.


                                   ORCHESTRA
            Oh, then take your time.  
            The world is your Human Immunodeficiency Oyster.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ROBERT MORSE
            I originated the lead in How to Succeed, and won.


                                   MATTHEW BRODERICK
            And I played that same role in the revival, and won.


                                   ROBERT MORSE
            It's a great role.  Tony-worthy!


                                   MATTHEW BRODERICK
            Tony-worthy.


                                   THE NOT-EVEN-NOMINATED
                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                          (with gravity-defying hairdo)
            You guys suck.


                                   ROBERT MORSE
                          (holding up his Tony award)
            Ms. Perry would say otherwise.


                                   MATTHEW BRODERICK
                          (also holding up his Tony)
            Can you imagine?  Somewhere out there, the following words
            have been spoken by somebody: "He's no Matthew Broderick."


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                          (blinds himself with a spike)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   The cast of How to Succeed chooses to
                                   perform "Brotherhood of Man".  


                                   Big surprise.


                                   CAMERAMAN
            Anybody mind if I do weird close-ups of John Larroquette
            while he's not singing and then go to never-ending sweeps
            back and forth across the stage OH WAIT I DON'T CARE.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   JOHN LEGUIZAMO
            You know what would go real well right here?  A 
            Schwarzenegger joke that's like a month old. 






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   VIOLA DAVIS
            Hi, I'm Viola Davis.  You swear that you must know me from
            something famous.  The name sounds so familiar, right? 
            And it can't just be from that one scene in that Priest play. 
            Anyway, here's yet another award for NORMAL HEART.


                                   NORMAL HEART WINNER
            You know what would be great for ratings?  Reminding people
            that there's a Mavericks game on.


                                   LARRY KRAMER
            I dressed up for the Tonys!  I put on my cult robes..






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   EYE-CANDY AARON TVEIT
            Hi everyone, I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio.  Not even almost.
            Were you considering seeing Catch Me If You Can The Musical?
            Not sure?  Well, why not watch literally the ONLY good song
            in the show so there's no reason to anymore.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            My god, I can sell anything--


                                   Suddenly the show bleeps, and we see a
                                   fuzzy shot from the roof.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            What the heck was that?


                                   EYE-CANDY AARON TVEIT
            Maybe somebody realized that this song only is decent when
            it's a breath of fresh air after half an act of a painfully
            boring musical.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            I can't hear you over me DANCING LIKE I JUST GOT OFF THE
            SHORT BUS.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ANNOUNCER
            Coming up next, the Book of Mormon.
            Hey, does anybody remember when The Producers won that one
            year, and we just kept saying that The Producers was coming
            up in the beginning of every single commercial break?
            Yeah, just checking.
            ALSO WATCH MORE HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER CBS CARES!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            I went on All That Chat and found the bitchiest Spider-Man
            jokes that you've already heard.  Will they sound funnier if
            I say them faster?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   DAVID HYDE PIERCE
            Directors need "communication".  
            This is important.
            I'm going to mispronounce the word "communication".
            This passes for humor.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   DIRECTOR OF WAR HORSE
            Thahnk you for this award for best prohduction of a plahy.
            In cahse you cahn't tell, I'm British.  I say "craft" like
            this: "crahft".  Have I mentioned the National Theatre in
            London yet?  Well: National Theatre in London.  Don't you
            wanker yahnks have a national theatre yet? 
            Here's some British womahn, she's going to also help make
            your American Theatre seem even more impotent, even in a
            season with a billion new plays.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   DON CHEADLE
            I'm introducing Scottsboro Boys because I'm black?
            Is that what we've pretty much settled on?
            Wow.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            I'd like to stop here for a moment and ponder:
            Who writes my jokes?
            I must have writers.
            So, why don't other people who host things have jokes written
            for them by, you know, people who are good at that?
            Seems obvious, right CATWOMAN?


                                   ANNE HATHAWAY
            Wait what?


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Nothing.  Now, please welcome Angela Lansbury, who is so old
            she doesn't remember being tricked into signing a contract
            promising to do the obligatory Theatre Is Important speech of
            the night.


                                   ANGELA LANSBURY
            Podcasts.
            Portable Media Players.
            See how effortlessly I say them so that it seems really clear
            that I have no idea what either of those are.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   HARRY CONNICK, JR.
            One of these fine women will take a Tony award home because
            her colleagues believed that she gave the best performance.
            I'm sorry, did I say colleagues?  I meant "People who own
            touring theaters".






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   BOOK OF MORMON'S        
                                   NIKKI M. JAMES
            They are saying wrap it up, but I won't leave the stage!  MY
            MUSICAL HAS THE WORDS AIDS IN IT TOO, GUYS!


                                   YOU
                          (kind of want to take her home)
                          (no, in a pure way.)
                          (like, to Mom)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   HUGH JACKMAN
            I'm going to make a joke about the Beacon Theatre, even
            though Beacon, Radio City--it all looks the same on TV.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Hugh, wanna dance with me and further confuse people as to
            whether or not you're gay?


                                   HUGH JACKMAN
            THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FABULOUSSSSS IDEA!


                                   IDEA THAT "BROADWAY ISN'T
                                   JUST FOR GAYS ANYMORE"
                          (was discarded long ago, don't
                           you worry)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   BROOKE SHIELDS
            Come see me in Addams Family.  Also, I'm really sorry before
            for my FUUUUUU----


                                   FUZZY BLEEPED SHOT OF STAGE
                          (welcome back)


                                   BROOKE SHIELDS
            YEdaLskdjasoiduhaoirdjaoisdjlaksdj--


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            So, Addams Family is closing.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   JOHN LAROQUETTE
            Only a Night Court actor could give a Tony acceptance speech
            and make it seem like you just woke him up.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   BONO
            Hi, I insist that my name is "Bono".


                                   THE EDGE
            And I insist that people call me "The Edge", inclusive of the
            word "The".


                                   BONO
            We're... 
            We're really sorry about Spider-Man.


                                   THE EDGE
            We thought Musicals would be easy, but we were wrong.


                                   BONO
            So wrong.


                                   THE EDGE
            And now taking the section that is usually reserved for yet
            another Jersey boys performance, here is a really boring song
            from Spider-Man, which hasn't opened but has somehow weaseled
            its way in.


                                   BONO
            We're doing a number that shows that the show isn't all about
            mediocre flying sequences--


                                   THE EDGE
            But also mediocre lyrics and music!


                                   BONO
            And mediocre direction.


                                   THE EDGE
            You know, we give a lot of credit to you people.


                                   BONO
            And by "you people", The Edge is clearly talking about The
            Gays.


                                   THE EDGE
            But the point is, we're sorry... Spider-Man opens next
            week... and we still get to perform tonight...
            and we're sorry.

                                   BONO
            Sorry.


                                   THE EDGE
            Sorry.


                                   BONO
            We feel bad.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Aww.


                                   BONO AND THE EDGE'S
                                   PUBLICIST
            They're doing it!  They're acting humble and it's working--


                                   THE EDGE
                          (actually to the TV)
            This Being Humble thing is working.


                                   BONO AND THE EDGE'S
                                   PUBLICIST
            Wow.  Way to shoot yourself in the foot.
            Or... sling yourself in the... equity board... something?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ROBIN WILLIAMS
            If you've watched enough of my comedy through the years,
            you'd know that every other appearance I make has a Khadafi
            joke.  I wasn't nominated, but here's another award that Book
            of Mormon won.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   WHOOPI GOLDBERG
            You know how when I host stuff, I have this gag where I'm
            dressed up in the costumes of that year's shows or movies? 
            Who wants to guess what show I'm dressed up as?
                          (pause)
            No, just kidding, I'm just wearing ugly, ugly clothing and a
            witch hat.
            Anyway, here's a Sister Act scene, to cement in that it's
            just as crappy as you figure it to be.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            A few months ago this one time, some kids saw Memphis, the
            newest "Worst Best Musical Ever", and then danced in the 
            aisle a bunch...
            ...
            ...
            So... that's a good enough reason to let Memphis perform
            again, right?


                                   CAST OF MEMPHIS
                          (singing award-winning lyrics)
            NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
            NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA


                                   KIDS DANCING IN THE AISLE 
                          (have supposedly learned a
                           whole bunch of choreography)


                                   CHOREOGRAPHY
                          (is just another word for
                           "clapping")






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            And now please welcome an Academy-Award winner who is going
            to be playing Martin Luther King, Jr in an upcoming play.


                                   SAMUEL L. JACKSON
            I HAVE A MUTHAFUCKIN' DREAM!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   MORE WAR HORSE WINNERS
            We would also like to congratulate the American cast who were
            able to master very difficult English dialects, even though
            they're stupid Americans.
            Now let's all go see a performance of that classic British
            piece of art, ENRON.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   JOEL GRAY
            Wouldn't I be like the Best Grandpa?  Anyway, here's Sutton
            Foster smiling and dancing a lot in a great production of a
            stupid, stupid musical.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   JAMES EARL JONES
            Theatres...
            are shrines.  
            They are...
            mysterious temples...
            brimming with magic.  
            The floorboards....
            are worn down by...
            generations of...
            players.  
            The curtains...
            are imbued...
            with secrets of...
            days...
            gone...
            by. 
            The audience...
            will never tell...
            the voice of Darth Vader...
            to Hurry Up.


                                   VANESSA REDGRAVE
            Plays live in the present...
            Live in the past...
            Live in the future...
            Live in the past-pluperfect....
            Live in alternate dimensions...
            Uh...
            ...
            ...
            So who wants to see a clip of ELLING?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   CHRISTINE BRINKLEY
            SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE WERE IN A TERRIBLE BARELY-REHEARSED
            PRODUCTION OF "COMPANY"!
            THEY ALSO TURNED IT INTO A MOVIE!
            I CLEARLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE PHRASE "TAPED PERFORMANCE"
            IS DIFFERENT THAN "MOVIE"!
            LOOK HOW EVERYBODY DANCES TO A DIFFERENT RHYTHM THAN EACH
            OTHER!
            WHO GAVE ME ALL THIS SUGAR?
                          (has a seizure)


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            So yeah... uh... see Christine Brinkley in Chicago.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   KELSEY GRAMMAR
            And the award for best revival of a musical goes to SOMETHING
            ACTUALLY DONE BY THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE!


                                   ROUNDABOUT ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
                                   TODD HAIMES
            But---I don't remember what a Tony Award looks like!
            Hell, I don't remember how to walk up the stairs to the
            winner's stage!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   TYNE DAILY
            Hi, I'm here to introduce the dead people.  If you liked
            anybody while they were alive more than you liked the other
            people who died, do remember to keep a sense of decorum and
            audibly clap even harder just for them, K?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   FRANCES MCDORMAND
            I AM PLAYING A CLASSIC AMERICAN HERO!
            I LOVE MY JOB!
            I HAVE BEEN IN STREETCAR!
            YOUNG ACTORS WILL ONE DAY PLAY MY ROLE!
            I WAS IN CHEKHOV!
            I PLAYED ALL THREE SISTERS!
            I LÜV MY JOB!  NRRRRGH!


                                   AUDIENCE
            What the--


                                   ALICE RIPLEY PULLING OFF HER
                                   FRANCES MCDORMAND MASK
            ALICE RIPLEY FOOLED YÜ!  FRANCES MCDORMAND REALLY ALICE
            RIPLEY IN FRANCES MCDORMAND MASK!  GRRRH!  ARGH!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            No dresser, don't leave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   PAUL SCHAFFER
            Hi, I'm celebrity Paul Schaffer, brought onto this show to
            help with the ratings---


                                   Crickets.


                                   PAUL SCHAFFER
            Oh right.  Nobody really know who the hell I am nowadays.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            We'll be right back after these commercials for How I Met--
            WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?  YOU'RE NOT HUGH JACKMAN AT ALL!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
            All of the actors vying for best actor in a play bring
            emotional depth to their roles.  
            Something I do not.  
            The winner is Mark Rylance!


                                   MARK RYLANCE
                          (accepting his award)
            Goodnight comb.  And goodnight brush.  Goodnight nobody. 
            Goodnight mush.  And goodnight to the old lady whispering
            "Hush".


                                   CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
            All of the actors vying for best actor in a musical are
            triple threats.  
            Something I am not.  
            The winner is Norbert Leo Butz, mostly because everybody
            feels bad that he was in such a piece of crap.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            I just want to point to my wife, right there.  SHE WAS THE
            ORIGINAL NESSAROSE IN WICKED!  Isn't that kind of awesome?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   CHRIS ROCK
            And now, the award for best musical, and no surprise I
            actually have the balls to say we all know who's winning. 
            Have you not seen Book of Mormon yet?  Well, you have twenty
            seconds before it becomes impossible to get tickets through
            2012 TOO LATE THE BOOK OF MORMON WINS!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            What's the best part of Lin Manuel-Miranda rapping?
            Is it his amazing ability to rap?
            Or is it just his writing, and really anybody could rap even
            if they were really, really white?


                                   LIN MANUEL-MIRANDA 
            You can rap all you want to, White boy.  This year's Tonys
            were actually good.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            We should make them good *every* year!
            ...
            ...
            So, uh, was anybody out there taking notes?


                                        BLACKOUT.

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts

6 Comments

Once again, brilliant Gil. Were you up all night writing this? I love the ending where you kind of admit the show was good after all. Thanks! Rob Wills, Toronto Canada
Funny. You should write for the Tonys. It was a good night.
I like to think Whoopi was dressing as Antoinette Perry.
The only thing I quibble with is that you most certainly COULD tell the difference between Radio City and the Beacon. And hopefully it will never have to go back to that oversized airplane hangar ever again! And after Don Cheadle appeared to introduce, I had to go to ibdb to check if he'd ever even been on Broadway... nope. But he was black and available!
I don't think Don Cheadle was presenting on the Tony Awards just because he was black and available. I think he was presenting because he's the go to black actor that cares about political things in my opinion. Scottsboro Boys falls into that category of theatre making statements and that's the kind of work he does. He was really amazing in The Public Theatre's production of "Topdog/Underdog." He is a member of the theatre community. Sure, it might have made more sense to ask Jeffrey Wright to host, but Don Cheadle is more famous... . NOW, if they had asked Denzel to present and he agreed that would make the most sense, but in any case I guess it just had to be a black male film star that kinda works in theatre and people recognize from films.
Um... Mario? It looks like you wrote a comment actually arguing for Don Cheadle having introduced because he was black, available, and famous. Roy: He was in Topdog/Underdog at the Public (as Mario says), but when it moved to Broadway he was replaced with Mos Def.

RECENT BLOG ENTRIES

Review: Quidam
There is a joke about every Disney theme park ride in the world being the same thing over and…
Blue Man Group: Revisited
"Is there anything I need to know about Blue Man Group going in?"How do you even describe Blue Man Group?…
Macbeth on Broadway
Alan Cumming is back on Broadway doing a limited run of his tour-de-force almost-one-man Macbeth, and it is a must-see. …
Les Miserables The Movie: Abridged
"Papa, Mister Hooper's camera is getting awfully close. ""Yes Cosette, that's called a 'bad touch'."…

ITBA

RECENT COMMENTS

BROADWAY ABRIDGED LIVE! (THE CD)


Volume 1: Even More Musicals comedy album available for sale on iTunes/Amazon.