Let's imagine something. It's a world where Television shows, Movies, and Theatre each have their own award nights where they do stuff on a stage.
Imagine if, just once, the Theatre award night was the one that schooled the others on how to do stuff on a stage?
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it's about time.
THE 2011 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED A "Broadway Abridged" Recap Presented with "BADOOP BADOOP" Technology by Tivo(TM) By Gil Varod SCENE: THE BEACON THEATRE, HOME OF LAST YEAR'S CRAPPY CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW. AND THIS YEAR'S TONY AWARDS. BECAUSE THE SUNDAY PERFORMANCE OF THIS YEAR'S NOT-AS-CRAPPY CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW IS CLEARLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN, YOU KNOW A FULL YEAR OF BROADWAY. Enter that guy who hosts everything nowadays. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Ladies and gentlemen, how do you think I'm going to start this show? Should I sing? AUDIENCE Well you-- NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Should I dance? AUDIENCE It's obvious you're-- NEIL PATRICK HARRIS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SHOULD I OPEN THE SHOW WITH A SONG AND A DANCE? AUDIENCE For god's sake, you sing and dance to open an awards show even when it's actually hosted by Alec Baldwin. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS OF COURSE I'M GOING TO SING AND DANCE! And I'm going to dance about how Broadway isn't just for Gay people! DANCERS IN NAVY UNIFORMS AND CROSSDRESSING NIGHTQUEENS BACKSTAGE Yeah that's clearly not going to be true for more than three minutes. [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS What do you have to say, Brooke Shields? BROOKE SHIELDS Lgksjdoigjrelvdkmfglskvjdrvgiosmlerkgmpseiorjgmerg NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Excellent. So, yeah. See Brooke Shields in Addams Family. [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS We've basically gone one-note on how to make Broadway relevant to America. Now who wants to hear that obligatory Glee joke? [BADOOP BADOOP!] A GRIZZLY BEAR Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin. I used to be in plays. Then I got that TV show with Tina Fey and that homophobic black dude. Now when it comes to Broadway, I'm too good to even bother writing a presenter joke! Also: to shave. [BADOOP BADOOP!] FEATURED ACTRESS ELLEN BARNKIN I'm going to thank Larry Kramer, so he gets some good kudos before he comes onstage and begins handing out leaflets. ORCHESTRA Hey Ellen, we're gonna start playing our "hurry it up" music-- FEATURED ACTRESS ELLEN BARNKIN But my show is about AIDS. ORCHESTRA Oh, then take your time. The world is your Human Immunodeficiency Oyster. [BADOOP BADOOP!] ROBERT MORSE I originated the lead in How to Succeed, and won. MATTHEW BRODERICK And I played that same role in the revival, and won. ROBERT MORSE It's a great role. Tony-worthy! MATTHEW BRODERICK Tony-worthy. THE NOT-EVEN-NOMINATED DANIEL RADCLIFFE (with gravity-defying hairdo) You guys suck. ROBERT MORSE (holding up his Tony award) Ms. Perry would say otherwise. MATTHEW BRODERICK (also holding up his Tony) Can you imagine? Somewhere out there, the following words have been spoken by somebody: "He's no Matthew Broderick." DANIEL RADCLIFFE (blinds himself with a spike) [BADOOP BADOOP!] The cast of How to Succeed chooses to perform "Brotherhood of Man". Big surprise. CAMERAMAN Anybody mind if I do weird close-ups of John Larroquette while he's not singing and then go to never-ending sweeps back and forth across the stage OH WAIT I DON'T CARE. [BADOOP BADOOP!] JOHN LEGUIZAMO You know what would go real well right here? A Schwarzenegger joke that's like a month old. [BADOOP BADOOP!] VIOLA DAVIS Hi, I'm Viola Davis. You swear that you must know me from something famous. The name sounds so familiar, right? And it can't just be from that one scene in that Priest play. Anyway, here's yet another award for NORMAL HEART. NORMAL HEART WINNER You know what would be great for ratings? Reminding people that there's a Mavericks game on. LARRY KRAMER I dressed up for the Tonys! I put on my cult robes.. [BADOOP BADOOP!] EYE-CANDY AARON TVEIT Hi everyone, I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio. Not even almost. Were you considering seeing Catch Me If You Can The Musical? Not sure? Well, why not watch literally the ONLY good song in the show so there's no reason to anymore. NORBERT LEO BUTZ My god, I can sell anything-- Suddenly the show bleeps, and we see a fuzzy shot from the roof. NORBERT LEO BUTZ What the heck was that? EYE-CANDY AARON TVEIT Maybe somebody realized that this song only is decent when it's a breath of fresh air after half an act of a painfully boring musical. NORBERT LEO BUTZ I can't hear you over me DANCING LIKE I JUST GOT OFF THE SHORT BUS. [BADOOP BADOOP!] ANNOUNCER Coming up next, the Book of Mormon. Hey, does anybody remember when The Producers won that one year, and we just kept saying that The Producers was coming up in the beginning of every single commercial break? Yeah, just checking. ALSO WATCH MORE HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER CBS CARES! [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS I went on All That Chat and found the bitchiest Spider-Man jokes that you've already heard. Will they sound funnier if I say them faster? [BADOOP BADOOP!] DAVID HYDE PIERCE Directors need "communication". This is important. I'm going to mispronounce the word "communication". This passes for humor. [BADOOP BADOOP!] DIRECTOR OF WAR HORSE Thahnk you for this award for best prohduction of a plahy. In cahse you cahn't tell, I'm British. I say "craft" like this: "crahft". Have I mentioned the National Theatre in London yet? Well: National Theatre in London. Don't you wanker yahnks have a national theatre yet? Here's some British womahn, she's going to also help make your American Theatre seem even more impotent, even in a season with a billion new plays. [BADOOP BADOOP!] DON CHEADLE I'm introducing Scottsboro Boys because I'm black? Is that what we've pretty much settled on? Wow. [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS I'd like to stop here for a moment and ponder: Who writes my jokes? I must have writers. So, why don't other people who host things have jokes written for them by, you know, people who are good at that? Seems obvious, right CATWOMAN? ANNE HATHAWAY Wait what? NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Nothing. Now, please welcome Angela Lansbury, who is so old she doesn't remember being tricked into signing a contract promising to do the obligatory Theatre Is Important speech of the night. ANGELA LANSBURY Podcasts. Portable Media Players. See how effortlessly I say them so that it seems really clear that I have no idea what either of those are. [BADOOP BADOOP!] HARRY CONNICK, JR. One of these fine women will take a Tony award home because her colleagues believed that she gave the best performance. I'm sorry, did I say colleagues? I meant "People who own touring theaters". [BADOOP BADOOP!] BOOK OF MORMON'S NIKKI M. JAMES They are saying wrap it up, but I won't leave the stage! MY MUSICAL HAS THE WORDS AIDS IN IT TOO, GUYS! YOU (kind of want to take her home) (no, in a pure way.) (like, to Mom) [BADOOP BADOOP!] HUGH JACKMAN I'm going to make a joke about the Beacon Theatre, even though Beacon, Radio City--it all looks the same on TV. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Hugh, wanna dance with me and further confuse people as to whether or not you're gay? HUGH JACKMAN THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FABULOUSSSSS IDEA! IDEA THAT "BROADWAY ISN'T JUST FOR GAYS ANYMORE" (was discarded long ago, don't you worry) [BADOOP BADOOP!] BROOKE SHIELDS Come see me in Addams Family. Also, I'm really sorry before for my FUUUUUU---- FUZZY BLEEPED SHOT OF STAGE (welcome back) BROOKE SHIELDS YEdaLskdjasoiduhaoirdjaoisdjlaksdj-- NEIL PATRICK HARRIS So, Addams Family is closing. [BADOOP BADOOP!] JOHN LAROQUETTE Only a Night Court actor could give a Tony acceptance speech and make it seem like you just woke him up. [BADOOP BADOOP!] BONO Hi, I insist that my name is "Bono". THE EDGE And I insist that people call me "The Edge", inclusive of the word "The". BONO We're... We're really sorry about Spider-Man. THE EDGE We thought Musicals would be easy, but we were wrong. BONO So wrong. THE EDGE And now taking the section that is usually reserved for yet another Jersey boys performance, here is a really boring song from Spider-Man, which hasn't opened but has somehow weaseled its way in. BONO We're doing a number that shows that the show isn't all about mediocre flying sequences-- THE EDGE But also mediocre lyrics and music! BONO And mediocre direction. THE EDGE You know, we give a lot of credit to you people. BONO And by "you people", The Edge is clearly talking about The Gays. THE EDGE But the point is, we're sorry... Spider-Man opens next week... and we still get to perform tonight... and we're sorry. BONO Sorry. THE EDGE Sorry. BONO We feel bad. AUDIENCE Aww. BONO AND THE EDGE'S PUBLICIST They're doing it! They're acting humble and it's working-- THE EDGE (actually to the TV) This Being Humble thing is working. BONO AND THE EDGE'S PUBLICIST Wow. Way to shoot yourself in the foot. Or... sling yourself in the... equity board... something? [BADOOP BADOOP!] ROBIN WILLIAMS If you've watched enough of my comedy through the years, you'd know that every other appearance I make has a Khadafi joke. I wasn't nominated, but here's another award that Book of Mormon won. [BADOOP BADOOP!] WHOOPI GOLDBERG You know how when I host stuff, I have this gag where I'm dressed up in the costumes of that year's shows or movies? Who wants to guess what show I'm dressed up as? (pause) No, just kidding, I'm just wearing ugly, ugly clothing and a witch hat. Anyway, here's a Sister Act scene, to cement in that it's just as crappy as you figure it to be. [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS A few months ago this one time, some kids saw Memphis, the newest "Worst Best Musical Ever", and then danced in the aisle a bunch...
... ... So... that's a good enough reason to let Memphis perform again, right? CAST OF MEMPHIS (singing award-winning lyrics) NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA KIDS DANCING IN THE AISLE (have supposedly learned a whole bunch of choreography) CHOREOGRAPHY (is just another word for "clapping") [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS And now please welcome an Academy-Award winner who is going to be playing Martin Luther King, Jr in an upcoming play. SAMUEL L. JACKSON I HAVE A MUTHAFUCKIN' DREAM! [BADOOP BADOOP!] MORE WAR HORSE WINNERS We would also like to congratulate the American cast who were able to master very difficult English dialects, even though they're stupid Americans. Now let's all go see a performance of that classic British piece of art, ENRON. [BADOOP BADOOP!] JOEL GRAY Wouldn't I be like the Best Grandpa? Anyway, here's Sutton Foster smiling and dancing a lot in a great production of a stupid, stupid musical. [BADOOP BADOOP!] JAMES EARL JONES Theatres... are shrines. They are... mysterious temples... brimming with magic. The floorboards.... are worn down by... generations of... players. The curtains... are imbued... with secrets of... days... gone... by. The audience... will never tell... the voice of Darth Vader... to Hurry Up. VANESSA REDGRAVE Plays live in the present... Live in the past... Live in the future... Live in the past-pluperfect.... Live in alternate dimensions... Uh... ... ... So who wants to see a clip of ELLING? [BADOOP BADOOP!] CHRISTINE BRINKLEY SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE WERE IN A TERRIBLE BARELY-REHEARSED PRODUCTION OF "COMPANY"! THEY ALSO TURNED IT INTO A MOVIE! I CLEARLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE PHRASE "TAPED PERFORMANCE" IS DIFFERENT THAN "MOVIE"! LOOK HOW EVERYBODY DANCES TO A DIFFERENT RHYTHM THAN EACH OTHER! WHO GAVE ME ALL THIS SUGAR? (has a seizure) NEIL PATRICK HARRIS So yeah... uh... see Christine Brinkley in Chicago. [BADOOP BADOOP!] KELSEY GRAMMAR And the award for best revival of a musical goes to SOMETHING ACTUALLY DONE BY THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE! ROUNDABOUT ARTISTIC DIRECTOR TODD HAIMES But---I don't remember what a Tony Award looks like! Hell, I don't remember how to walk up the stairs to the winner's stage! [BADOOP BADOOP!] TYNE DAILY Hi, I'm here to introduce the dead people. If you liked anybody while they were alive more than you liked the other people who died, do remember to keep a sense of decorum and audibly clap even harder just for them, K? [BADOOP BADOOP!] FRANCES MCDORMAND I AM PLAYING A CLASSIC AMERICAN HERO! I LOVE MY JOB! I HAVE BEEN IN STREETCAR! YOUNG ACTORS WILL ONE DAY PLAY MY ROLE! I WAS IN CHEKHOV! I PLAYED ALL THREE SISTERS! I LÜV MY JOB! NRRRRGH! AUDIENCE What the-- ALICE RIPLEY PULLING OFF HER FRANCES MCDORMAND MASK ALICE RIPLEY FOOLED YÜ! FRANCES MCDORMAND REALLY ALICE RIPLEY IN FRANCES MCDORMAND MASK! GRRRH! ARGH! [BADOOP BADOOP!] SUTTON FOSTER No dresser, don't leave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee [BADOOP BADOOP!] PAUL SCHAFFER Hi, I'm celebrity Paul Schaffer, brought onto this show to help with the ratings--- Crickets. PAUL SCHAFFER Oh right. Nobody really know who the hell I am nowadays. [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS We'll be right back after these commercials for How I Met-- WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME? YOU'RE NOT HUGH JACKMAN AT ALL! [BADOOP BADOOP!] CATHERINE ZETA-JONES All of the actors vying for best actor in a play bring emotional depth to their roles. Something I do not. The winner is Mark Rylance! MARK RYLANCE (accepting his award) Goodnight comb. And goodnight brush. Goodnight nobody. Goodnight mush. And goodnight to the old lady whispering "Hush". CATHERINE ZETA-JONES All of the actors vying for best actor in a musical are triple threats. Something I am not. The winner is Norbert Leo Butz, mostly because everybody feels bad that he was in such a piece of crap. NORBERT LEO BUTZ I just want to point to my wife, right there. SHE WAS THE ORIGINAL NESSAROSE IN WICKED! Isn't that kind of awesome? [BADOOP BADOOP!] CHRIS ROCK And now, the award for best musical, and no surprise I actually have the balls to say we all know who's winning. Have you not seen Book of Mormon yet? Well, you have twenty seconds before it becomes impossible to get tickets through 2012 TOO LATE THE BOOK OF MORMON WINS! [BADOOP BADOOP!] NEIL PATRICK HARRIS What's the best part of Lin Manuel-Miranda rapping? Is it his amazing ability to rap? Or is it just his writing, and really anybody could rap even if they were really, really white? LIN MANUEL-MIRANDA You can rap all you want to, White boy. This year's Tonys were actually good. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS We should make them good *every* year! ... ... So, uh, was anybody out there taking notes? BLACKOUT.