The 2009 Tony Awards: Abridged


                           THE 2009 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED
                             A "Broadway Abridged" Recap
                                                            By Gil Varod
                Special thanks to contributors Susanne K, Joel P, 
                      Jen H, Rachel P, Jac H, Jake B, and Eva B.
                Presented with "BADOOP BADOOP" Technology by Tivo(TM)






            SCENE: RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, BECAUSE A GIANT CAVERN IS THE
            PERFECT PLACE TO SHOWCASE THE WONDERFUL INTIMACY THAT IS LIVE
            THEATER.


                                   Elton John sits at stage, singing into
                                   a microphone that doesn't feel like
                                   working today.


                                   SOUND GUY
                          (nods off somewhere)


                                   THREE BILLY ELLIOT KIDS
            Let's all dance, all the while making sure that the three of
            us are never on-screen at the same time!


                                   TWO "ADULT" BILLY ELLIOTS
            That's great, we can join you and confuse the audience even
            more!


                                   The prettiest Billy Elliot kid flies
                                   away into the sky, because that's
                                   what...


                                   Um... Because...


                                   WEST SIDE STORY KIDS
                          (well, what we can actually
                           hear of them)
            ..... JETS.... ET.. IT... TONI....
            ..... ARKS.... ET.. IT... TONI....


                                   RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL
                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS
            Hey, I'm going to go ahead and cough, because I presume that my
            coughing shouldn't interfere with the sounds of THIRTY MIKED
            PEOPLE SINGING ONSTAGE.


                                   SOUND GUY
                          (snores)


                                   The cast of Guys and Dolls now sing at
                                   the same time as the West Side cast is
                                   singing a song.  


                                   CBS
            You wanted to showcase more shows?  This is how we're doing
            it--two songs being sung at the same time.  That'll teach ya!


                                   Dissonance FTW!


                                   POISON'S BRETT MICHAELS
            NOW WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME LIPSYNC GRATUITOUSLY!


                                   He does, then jumps up and down, then
                                   gets the shit beaten out of him by a
                                   foam backdrop.


                                   This ACTUALLY HAPPENS.


                                   Enter a CROSSDRESSING MAN WHO SLURS to
                                   do the weirdest duet ever with THE CUTE
                                   GUY FROM NEXT TO NORMAL.


                                   CROSSDRESSING MAN WHO SLURS
            BEWITCHED, BORERED, AB BERIRDEWED...


                                   And now comes the CAST OF SHR--


                                   No now it's DOLLY PARTON and the CA--


                                   No scratch that it's THE SHELL OF LIZA MI--


                                   Nevermind forget that because the 
                                   CAST OF HAI--


                                   ANYBODY WHO DIDN'T SEE EVERY
                                   SINGLE MUSICAL THIS YEAR
            So... this is what it feels like to be put in a blender MADE
            OUT OF MUSICALS.
                          (pukes)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   Enter Neil Patrick Harris, thank god.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Hello, I'm Neil, thanks for being here, and I won't be doing
            ANY DOCTOR HORRIBLE BITS WHATSOEVER!  


                                   15% of the audience changes channels.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (CONT'D)
            So Brett Michaels banged his head, but he's doing fine and---
                          (suddenly he gets bleeped out)


                                   SOUND GUY
                          (suddenly wakes up)
            Oh right, you're supposed to bleep 10 seconds BEFORE when
            you're doing a 10-second delay, not 10 seconds AFTER.


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Why are ---- *trying* to blee--- out the Brett Michaels joke?
            ------- ----- ---- CONSTANTINE MAROULIS!


                                   Shot of Constantine Maroulis's mom
                                   looking horrified for some reason.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   JANE FONDA
            And now I'm here to present the BEST PERFORMANCE BY A
            FEATURED ACTOR IN A PLAY WHO IS PREFERABLY A MINORITY SO THE
            TONY COMMITTEE FEELS BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.


                                   ROGER ROBINSON
                          (accepting award)
            So when you namedrop the words "Barack Oba--






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ANNOUNCER WOMAN
            Will Ferrell is coming up next.
            No for real, he is, after this actual commercial break.  
            I'm actually not going to just say that over and over all night 
            long!
            Yes, back to Will Ferrell right after these five commercials
            for "How I Met Your Mother"...






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES [IN SHREK MAKEUP]
            And now, CHRISTOPHER SEIBER!
            Wait... I put on all the damn makeup just to introduce one of
            the weaker numbers in the show, and then sit in the audience
            in this getup?


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            You put it on to introduce me in my "always on my knees" role
            that we're hoping will get us our only on-screen Tony Award!


                                   CAMERAMEN
                          (miking the shriekiest chorus
                           member for some reason)
            Only if we can do it with so many sweeps that we obfuscate
            and kill the joke that you're on your knees!


                                   Poor Brian D'Arcy James sits in
                                   audience...


                                   ...but with Sutton Foster, who was nice
                                   enough to keep her getup on to make him
                                   feel better!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ANGELA LANSBURY
            I haven't aged in forty years, and I'm proud to accept the
            OLD WOMAN NOBODY WOULD EVEN CONSIDER VOTING AGAINST award in
            the category of ANGELA LANSBURY AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO
            AREN'T ANGELA LANSBURY.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Every day, fantastic musicals tour the US and take precious
            time away from plays who should have gotten a little bit of
            airtime.  Here to show you how horribly touring companies
            sing and dance, here is the cast of MAMMA MIA, dressed in
            Buzz Lightyear outfits, doing awful Karaoke.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
                          (shouting over Mamma Mia
                           performers)
            WE'RE GOING TO HIT A COMMERCIAL BREAK AND I HAVE TO SHOUT
            OVER THIS BECAUSE OF HOW PAINFUL IT IS AND I HOPE YOU DON'T
            FAST FORWARD PAST THE COMMERCIALS FOR HOW I MET YOUR--






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            --and after it you won't see me for like an hour.  Here's the
            pretaped clip from 33 Variations, because why do theatre
            live?


                                   PRETAPED 33 VARIATIONS CLIP
                          (yes, this is the clip in its
                           ENTIRETY:)
            "Because Mozart composed in his head.  Beethoven composed on
            paper.  So there are thousands and thousands of sketches with
            his every thought, every compositional idea.  And they're
            embalmed.  It's the only hope I have to understand why he did
            it."


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (is confused at the lack of
                           context)
                          (doesn't even *consider* buying
                           tickets)


                                   WILL FERRELL
            Hi, I'm Will Ferrell.  I absolutely refuse to be anywhere
            near as entertaining as I am on the Oscars or Emmys,
            because this awards show is beneath my time and energy.
            Earlier tonight, we gave away some useless awards.  Like BEST
            BOOK OF A MUSICAL, but you don't care about THAT right? 
            Here's SOME SONGWRITERS!


                                   SONGWRITERS OF          
                                   NEXT TO NORMAL
                          (winning best music & lyrics)
            We are thrilled to have even been nominated next to such
            inspiring Musical Theatre heroes like... um... Dolly
            Parton... and... um... Elton John?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   LIN MANUEL MIRANDA
            Man, even when I talk I sound a little like I'm rapping.
            Here's the WEST SIDE STORY REVIVAL in 1080i HD, so you can
            see how terrible the acting really is in closeup!


                                   JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
                          (totally cracks on a High D?!?)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   A shot of the 3 Billy Elliots, who were
                                   forced to sit in successive rows for
                                   the annoying camera angles.


                                   STEPHEN DALDRY,      
                                   DIRECTOR/WRITER OF BILLY ELLIOT
            Man, have I really been doing nothing but Billy Elliot and
            its rehashes for ten years?  
            Speaking of which, so I was thinking of also a movie version
            of the musical--






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ROCK OF AGES
                          (singing)
            BLAH BLAH BLAH MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING A-NY-WHERE!


                                   PRETENTIOUS THEATRE FANS
            What a stupid way to showcase a stupid show.


                                   I'M SORRY, BUT REALLY,   
                                   THE REST OF AMERICA
            I actually want to see this musical.


                                   The tony awards do the "music pulls
                                   out, audience claps" thing.  Really.


                                   ROCK OF AGES NUMBER
                          (comes off better than the
                           actual show, and frankly, much
                           better than Tonys performances
                           tend to)


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Did you see me fist-bump Jim Dial from Murphy Brown?  It
            totally happened!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   EDIE FALCO
            And now the award for PERSON THAT GAY PEOPLE LIKE THE MOST
            goes to Liza Minnelli!


                                   PRODUCER JOHN SCHER
            I'm going to give most of the thank yous, because you don't
            really want to hear from LIZA or anything do you?


                                   LIZA MINNELLI
                          (does the jumping up and down   
                           "I wanna talk dance")


                                   PRODUCER JOHN SCHER
            Fine, you can talk.  Baby.


                                   LIZA MINNELLI
            I'd like to thank--
                          (gets cut off by music.)


                                   PEOPLE WHO CONTROL    
                                   CUTOFF MUSIC
            Well, it's clear *we* aren't gay.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   HOPE DAVIS AND        
                                   MARCIA GAY HARDEN
            Our second nominee for Best Play, God of...
                          (mouthed, unheard words)


                                   SOUND GUY
            (more snoring)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   Cast of Guys and Dolls show just how
                                   much they pale to the `90s cast.


                                   TITUSS BURGESS
                          (more mouthed words)


                                   ALL FOUR PEOPLE NOMINATED
                                   FOR SOUND DESIGN OF A PLAY
                                   THIS YEAR
            Well that's funny, because we know FOUR SOUND GUYS WHO ALL
            HAD TONIGHT FREE.


                                   UNCLE JESSE
            Earlier tonight, a number of unimportant Tony Awards were
            presented that you can't see.  Not even on PBS anymore.
            For BEST ORCHESTRATIONS and BEST LIGHTING and BEST
            CHOREOGRAPHY and BEST COSTUME and BEST SET and BEST SOUND
            DESIGN and BEST THEATER THAT ISN'T IN NEW YORK CITY.  
            You know, crap that ISN'T AS IMPORTANT terrible touring
            companies.  
            And now receiving the award for GUY WHO IS ALSO INVOLVED WITH
            BILLY ELLIOT, here's GREG JBARA!


                                   GREG JBARA
            Thank you for this award!


                                   GREG JBARA'S WIFE
            Yes, it's really wonderful to have this!


                                   GREG JBARA'S WIFE'S
                                   GINORMOUS BOOBS
            Hello America!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Remember me?  I'm the host.  CLEVER SUSHI JOKE!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   Next to Normal does a number.


                                   It's funny to watch the INTENSITY when
                                   you can't understand a word, nor what's
                                   going on...


                                   And it kinda sounds like drunk people
                                   playing ROCK BAND.


                                   SOUND GUY
            That's not what you wanted?
                          (downs whiskey)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   GEOFFREY RUSH
            Thank you for this award for "Best Mugging on Broadway".


                                   AUDIENCE
            No, thank you for winning, and being the one person with an
            ACTUALLY FUNNY SPEECH.


                                   RÁÚL ÉSPÁRZÁ
                          (cries, makes note to never be
                           in Fall plays ever again)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   PRERECORDED CLIP FROM   
                                   "DIVIDING THE ESTATE" THAT
                                   LOOKS LIKE A TAPING OF A
                                   HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION
            Well why didn't you just say so?  The estate will loan you
            money.  I don't want the estate to loan me anything.  I want
            us to DIVIDE THE ESTATE so I can have a little dignity in my
            life!


                                   AUDIENCE
            I still have no idea what that play is, but at least I heard
            them say the title in that clip!  So that's good I guess?






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   BEBE NEUWIRTH
            And now, to remember some people who died, by QUICKLY PANNING
            BACK AND FORTH on a projection showing people's names while you
            listen to the instrumental MEMORY from CATS and that one sappy
            CHORUS LINE SONG.


                                   ALL THE PEOPLE WHO      
                                   DIED THIS YEAR
            We do *not* want to be remembered by a visual and auditory
            combination that makes people NAUSEOUS.


                                   DIRECTOR OF THIS YEAR'S  
                                   TONY AWARDS
            I might very well be a 12 year old girl on crack!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   FRANK LANGELLA
            I just want to be an asshole in the good way by reminding
            everybody that, oh right, SHOWS IN THE FALL EXIST!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   And now, TEN SECONDS of "Reasons to be
                                   Pretty".  


                                   And god help us, that "ten seconds" is
                                   *not* a comical exaggeration.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ONE KID FROM BILLY ELLIOT
            I'm maybe the BEST OF THE BILLY ELLIOT kids?
            You'd think that couldn't POSSIBLY be true if we were triple
            nominated...


                                   He dances the ANGRY DANCE.  


                                   Only him.


                                   This goes on long enough that maybe we
                                   won't have to see the touring company
                                   of a show that WASN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO
                                   PERFORM DURING THEIR TONY YEAR and 
                                   closed OVER A YEAR AG--


                                   CRAPPY LEGALLY BLONDE CAST
            OMG YOU GUYS!


                                   Sigh.  Never mind.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   HARVEY FIERSTEIN
            Rasp rasp rasp rasp rasp GOD OF CARNAGE!


                                   YASMINA REZA
            I am very happy to be here again.  Maybe you missed my
            accent?  Maybe you want to hear again?  Maybe I come off like
            a real jerk because I am french, non?  I dedicate this to my
            mother, who overcame...


                                   AUDIENCE
            Cancer?  Poor woman.


                                   YASMINA REZA
            ...her fear of flying to be here tonight.


                                   AUDIENCE
            ...oh.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   ANGELA LANSBURY
            I'd like to now introduce you to a tribute to Jerry Herman,
            which we will present using a wonderful live chorus of some
            of the best broadway stars of--
                          (pauses, reads teleprompter)
            Oh, I'm sorry, I apparently meant, "using the worst, shakiest
            bootleg footage we could find, singing the title word of each
            of his musicals".  
            Also did you know he wrote a song for important things like
            WALL-E?  Enjoy!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   We see the company of HAIR perform the
                                   ONLY OTHER DECENT MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
                                   TONIGHT.  


                                   Pay special attention to the redhead
                                   giving Uncle Jesse a lapdance!






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Most of my relationships are limited relationships!
                          (pauses)
            That's weird.  Kind of like the way my boobs stay up. 
            Anyway, the winner of West Side vs. Hair is...
                          (does mini Herbal Essences
                           commercial)
            Hair.


                                   THE PUBLIC'S OSKAR EUSTIS
            I'd like to thank the author, the writers, the directors, the
            cast, the produ... um...


                                   KID OVER OSKAR'S LEFT
                                   SHOULDER
                          (is welling with tears)
                          (is moaning)
                          (is having an orgasm?)
                          (is... getting a blowjob right
                           behind Oskar Eustis?)






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   DAVID HYDE PIERCE
            And now, a shot of Sutton Foster sitting next to her brother.


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (smiles)


                                   DAVID HYDE PIERCE
            Isn't she adorable?  Anyway, Alice Ripley wins.


                                   ALICE RIPLEY
            AARRGGGGHHH!!  GRR AGRH GGRRR ARGH ARGH!  MAAAAAH!  GRFF!


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            Um... how about a shot of Sutton Foster again?


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (angrily welling up in tears)


                                   AUDRA MCDONALD
            And now, the winner for best actor WHO'S A LITTLE ADORABLE
            BOY you can't refuse even if ONLY A THIRD of the Tony voters
            saw them: the three Billy Elliots when you add them up!


                                   FRANKE DOLCE, THE ONLY ONE
                                   OF THE DOUBLE-CAST "BILLY'S BEST
                                   FRIEND" KIDS WHO DIDN'T GET
                                   NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD
            W. T. F.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES [SANS SHREK MAKEUP]
            I took off my makeup for nothing?  Man, I could have just
            slept in this again!


                                   ALL THREE BILLY ELLIOTS
                          (verbatim text)
            Oh my god...
            Wow...
            Um...
            Heh...
            Um...
            This is quite unbelievable...
            Heh...
            Whoo...
            Okay...
            Um...
            We have...
            Our dressssser, Jesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.....


                                   FIRST BILLY ELLIOT
            My mom, my dad, my brother and sister.


                                   SECOND BILLY ELLIOT.
            I have a mom and a dad and TWO sisters.


                                   THIRD BILLY ELLIOT
            I have a mom and dad and THREE sisters.


                                   FIRST AND SECOND       
                                   BILLY ELLIOTS
            You win.






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   BAILEY FROM GREY'S ANATOMY
            And now, because we definitely need the THIRD JERSEY BOYS
            PERFORMANCE in FOUR YEARS, here are the Jersey Boys leads
            from five different productions: Toronto, Vegas, Chicago, the
            Tour, and Broadway.  If you think your Frankie Vallie doesn't
            SUCK compared to the OTHERS, why not go see it? 


                                   LIZA MINNELLI
                          (entering)
            Hi I'm... did I forget to bring my winner envelope out?  






            [BADOOP BADOOP!]


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Remember me?  I'm the host.  Now I'm going to show you--last
            minute during the credits--what you've been missing by me not
            even getting to set up a opening number.


                                   Neil Patrick Harris sings a clever and
                                   raunchy "Tonight" parody that recaps
                                   the winners EVEN HE WASN'T TOLD WHO THE
                                   WINNERS WOULD BE EARLIER IN THE EVENING!


                                   NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
            Yeah, so next time you invite me to host, give me more than
            four goddamned minutes onstage.  NPH OUT!
                          (winks)


                                        BLACKOUT.

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