THE 2009 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED
A "Broadway Abridged" Recap
By Gil Varod
Special thanks to contributors Susanne K, Joel P,
Jen H, Rachel P, Jac H, Jake B, and Eva B.
Presented with "BADOOP BADOOP" Technology by Tivo(TM)
SCENE: RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, BECAUSE A GIANT CAVERN IS THE
PERFECT PLACE TO SHOWCASE THE WONDERFUL INTIMACY THAT IS LIVE
THEATER.
Elton John sits at stage, singing into
a microphone that doesn't feel like
working today.
SOUND GUY
(nods off somewhere)
THREE BILLY ELLIOT KIDS
Let's all dance, all the while making sure that the three of
us are never on-screen at the same time!
TWO "ADULT" BILLY ELLIOTS
That's great, we can join you and confuse the audience even
more!
The prettiest Billy Elliot kid flies
away into the sky, because that's
what...
Um... Because...
WEST SIDE STORY KIDS
(well, what we can actually
hear of them)
..... JETS.... ET.. IT... TONI....
..... ARKS.... ET.. IT... TONI....
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Hey, I'm going to go ahead and cough, because I presume that my
coughing shouldn't interfere with the sounds of THIRTY MIKED
PEOPLE SINGING ONSTAGE.
SOUND GUY
(snores)
The cast of Guys and Dolls now sing at
the same time as the West Side cast is
singing a song.
CBS
You wanted to showcase more shows? This is how we're doing
it--two songs being sung at the same time. That'll teach ya!
Dissonance FTW!
POISON'S BRETT MICHAELS
NOW WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME LIPSYNC GRATUITOUSLY!
He does, then jumps up and down, then
gets the shit beaten out of him by a
foam backdrop.
This ACTUALLY HAPPENS.
Enter a CROSSDRESSING MAN WHO SLURS to
do the weirdest duet ever with THE CUTE
GUY FROM NEXT TO NORMAL.
CROSSDRESSING MAN WHO SLURS
BEWITCHED, BORERED, AB BERIRDEWED...
And now comes the CAST OF SHR--
No now it's DOLLY PARTON and the CA--
No scratch that it's THE SHELL OF LIZA MI--
Nevermind forget that because the
CAST OF HAI--
ANYBODY WHO DIDN'T SEE EVERY
SINGLE MUSICAL THIS YEAR
So... this is what it feels like to be put in a blender MADE
OUT OF MUSICALS.
(pukes)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
Enter Neil Patrick Harris, thank god.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Hello, I'm Neil, thanks for being here, and I won't be doing
ANY DOCTOR HORRIBLE BITS WHATSOEVER!
15% of the audience changes channels.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (CONT'D)
So Brett Michaels banged his head, but he's doing fine and---
(suddenly he gets bleeped out)
SOUND GUY
(suddenly wakes up)
Oh right, you're supposed to bleep 10 seconds BEFORE when
you're doing a 10-second delay, not 10 seconds AFTER.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Why are ---- *trying* to blee--- out the Brett Michaels joke?
------- ----- ---- CONSTANTINE MAROULIS!
Shot of Constantine Maroulis's mom
looking horrified for some reason.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
JANE FONDA
And now I'm here to present the BEST PERFORMANCE BY A
FEATURED ACTOR IN A PLAY WHO IS PREFERABLY A MINORITY SO THE
TONY COMMITTEE FEELS BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.
ROGER ROBINSON
(accepting award)
So when you namedrop the words "Barack Oba--
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ANNOUNCER WOMAN
Will Ferrell is coming up next.
No for real, he is, after this actual commercial break.
I'm actually not going to just say that over and over all night
long!
Yes, back to Will Ferrell right after these five commercials
for "How I Met Your Mother"...
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES [IN SHREK MAKEUP]
And now, CHRISTOPHER SEIBER!
Wait... I put on all the damn makeup just to introduce one of
the weaker numbers in the show, and then sit in the audience
in this getup?
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
You put it on to introduce me in my "always on my knees" role
that we're hoping will get us our only on-screen Tony Award!
CAMERAMEN
(miking the shriekiest chorus
member for some reason)
Only if we can do it with so many sweeps that we obfuscate
and kill the joke that you're on your knees!
Poor Brian D'Arcy James sits in
audience...
...but with Sutton Foster, who was nice
enough to keep her getup on to make him
feel better!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ANGELA LANSBURY
I haven't aged in forty years, and I'm proud to accept the
OLD WOMAN NOBODY WOULD EVEN CONSIDER VOTING AGAINST award in
the category of ANGELA LANSBURY AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T ANGELA LANSBURY.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Every day, fantastic musicals tour the US and take precious
time away from plays who should have gotten a little bit of
airtime. Here to show you how horribly touring companies
sing and dance, here is the cast of MAMMA MIA, dressed in
Buzz Lightyear outfits, doing awful Karaoke.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
(shouting over Mamma Mia
performers)
WE'RE GOING TO HIT A COMMERCIAL BREAK AND I HAVE TO SHOUT
OVER THIS BECAUSE OF HOW PAINFUL IT IS AND I HOPE YOU DON'T
FAST FORWARD PAST THE COMMERCIALS FOR HOW I MET YOUR--
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
--and after it you won't see me for like an hour. Here's the
pretaped clip from 33 Variations, because why do theatre
live?
PRETAPED 33 VARIATIONS CLIP
(yes, this is the clip in its
ENTIRETY:)
"Because Mozart composed in his head. Beethoven composed on
paper. So there are thousands and thousands of sketches with
his every thought, every compositional idea. And they're
embalmed. It's the only hope I have to understand why he did
it."
AUDIENCE
(is confused at the lack of
context)
(doesn't even *consider* buying
tickets)
WILL FERRELL
Hi, I'm Will Ferrell. I absolutely refuse to be anywhere
near as entertaining as I am on the Oscars or Emmys,
because this awards show is beneath my time and energy.
Earlier tonight, we gave away some useless awards. Like BEST
BOOK OF A MUSICAL, but you don't care about THAT right?
Here's SOME SONGWRITERS!
SONGWRITERS OF
NEXT TO NORMAL
(winning best music & lyrics)
We are thrilled to have even been nominated next to such
inspiring Musical Theatre heroes like... um... Dolly
Parton... and... um... Elton John?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
LIN MANUEL MIRANDA
Man, even when I talk I sound a little like I'm rapping.
Here's the WEST SIDE STORY REVIVAL in 1080i HD, so you can
see how terrible the acting really is in closeup!
JOSEFINA SCAGLIONE
(totally cracks on a High D?!?)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
A shot of the 3 Billy Elliots, who were
forced to sit in successive rows for
the annoying camera angles.
STEPHEN DALDRY,
DIRECTOR/WRITER OF BILLY ELLIOT
Man, have I really been doing nothing but Billy Elliot and
its rehashes for ten years?
Speaking of which, so I was thinking of also a movie version
of the musical--
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ROCK OF AGES
(singing)
BLAH BLAH BLAH MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING A-NY-WHERE!
PRETENTIOUS THEATRE FANS
What a stupid way to showcase a stupid show.
I'M SORRY, BUT REALLY,
THE REST OF AMERICA
I actually want to see this musical.
The tony awards do the "music pulls
out, audience claps" thing. Really.
ROCK OF AGES NUMBER
(comes off better than the
actual show, and frankly, much
better than Tonys performances
tend to)
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Did you see me fist-bump Jim Dial from Murphy Brown? It
totally happened!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
EDIE FALCO
And now the award for PERSON THAT GAY PEOPLE LIKE THE MOST
goes to Liza Minnelli!
PRODUCER JOHN SCHER
I'm going to give most of the thank yous, because you don't
really want to hear from LIZA or anything do you?
LIZA MINNELLI
(does the jumping up and down
"I wanna talk dance")
PRODUCER JOHN SCHER
Fine, you can talk. Baby.
LIZA MINNELLI
I'd like to thank--
(gets cut off by music.)
PEOPLE WHO CONTROL
CUTOFF MUSIC
Well, it's clear *we* aren't gay.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
HOPE DAVIS AND
MARCIA GAY HARDEN
Our second nominee for Best Play, God of...
(mouthed, unheard words)
SOUND GUY
(more snoring)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
Cast of Guys and Dolls show just how
much they pale to the `90s cast.
TITUSS BURGESS
(more mouthed words)
ALL FOUR PEOPLE NOMINATED
FOR SOUND DESIGN OF A PLAY
THIS YEAR
Well that's funny, because we know FOUR SOUND GUYS WHO ALL
HAD TONIGHT FREE.
UNCLE JESSE
Earlier tonight, a number of unimportant Tony Awards were
presented that you can't see. Not even on PBS anymore.
For BEST ORCHESTRATIONS and BEST LIGHTING and BEST
CHOREOGRAPHY and BEST COSTUME and BEST SET and BEST SOUND
DESIGN and BEST THEATER THAT ISN'T IN NEW YORK CITY.
You know, crap that ISN'T AS IMPORTANT terrible touring
companies.
And now receiving the award for GUY WHO IS ALSO INVOLVED WITH
BILLY ELLIOT, here's GREG JBARA!
GREG JBARA
Thank you for this award!
GREG JBARA'S WIFE
Yes, it's really wonderful to have this!
GREG JBARA'S WIFE'S
GINORMOUS BOOBS
Hello America!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Remember me? I'm the host. CLEVER SUSHI JOKE!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
Next to Normal does a number.
It's funny to watch the INTENSITY when
you can't understand a word, nor what's
going on...
And it kinda sounds like drunk people
playing ROCK BAND.
SOUND GUY
That's not what you wanted?
(downs whiskey)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
GEOFFREY RUSH
Thank you for this award for "Best Mugging on Broadway".
AUDIENCE
No, thank you for winning, and being the one person with an
ACTUALLY FUNNY SPEECH.
RÁÚL ÉSPÁRZÁ
(cries, makes note to never be
in Fall plays ever again)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
PRERECORDED CLIP FROM
"DIVIDING THE ESTATE" THAT
LOOKS LIKE A TAPING OF A
HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION
Well why didn't you just say so? The estate will loan you
money. I don't want the estate to loan me anything. I want
us to DIVIDE THE ESTATE so I can have a little dignity in my
life!
AUDIENCE
I still have no idea what that play is, but at least I heard
them say the title in that clip! So that's good I guess?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
BEBE NEUWIRTH
And now, to remember some people who died, by QUICKLY PANNING
BACK AND FORTH on a projection showing people's names while you
listen to the instrumental MEMORY from CATS and that one sappy
CHORUS LINE SONG.
ALL THE PEOPLE WHO
DIED THIS YEAR
We do *not* want to be remembered by a visual and auditory
combination that makes people NAUSEOUS.
DIRECTOR OF THIS YEAR'S
TONY AWARDS
I might very well be a 12 year old girl on crack!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
FRANK LANGELLA
I just want to be an asshole in the good way by reminding
everybody that, oh right, SHOWS IN THE FALL EXIST!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
And now, TEN SECONDS of "Reasons to be
Pretty".
And god help us, that "ten seconds" is
*not* a comical exaggeration.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ONE KID FROM BILLY ELLIOT
I'm maybe the BEST OF THE BILLY ELLIOT kids?
You'd think that couldn't POSSIBLY be true if we were triple
nominated...
He dances the ANGRY DANCE.
Only him.
This goes on long enough that maybe we
won't have to see the touring company
of a show that WASN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO
PERFORM DURING THEIR TONY YEAR and
closed OVER A YEAR AG--
CRAPPY LEGALLY BLONDE CAST
OMG YOU GUYS!
Sigh. Never mind.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Rasp rasp rasp rasp rasp GOD OF CARNAGE!
YASMINA REZA
I am very happy to be here again. Maybe you missed my
accent? Maybe you want to hear again? Maybe I come off like
a real jerk because I am french, non? I dedicate this to my
mother, who overcame...
AUDIENCE
Cancer? Poor woman.
YASMINA REZA
...her fear of flying to be here tonight.
AUDIENCE
...oh.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
ANGELA LANSBURY
I'd like to now introduce you to a tribute to Jerry Herman,
which we will present using a wonderful live chorus of some
of the best broadway stars of--
(pauses, reads teleprompter)
Oh, I'm sorry, I apparently meant, "using the worst, shakiest
bootleg footage we could find, singing the title word of each
of his musicals".
Also did you know he wrote a song for important things like
WALL-E? Enjoy!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
We see the company of HAIR perform the
ONLY OTHER DECENT MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
TONIGHT.
Pay special attention to the redhead
giving Uncle Jesse a lapdance!
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Most of my relationships are limited relationships!
(pauses)
That's weird. Kind of like the way my boobs stay up.
Anyway, the winner of West Side vs. Hair is...
(does mini Herbal Essences
commercial)
Hair.
THE PUBLIC'S OSKAR EUSTIS
I'd like to thank the author, the writers, the directors, the
cast, the produ... um...
KID OVER OSKAR'S LEFT
SHOULDER
(is welling with tears)
(is moaning)
(is having an orgasm?)
(is... getting a blowjob right
behind Oskar Eustis?)
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
DAVID HYDE PIERCE
And now, a shot of Sutton Foster sitting next to her brother.
SUTTON FOSTER
(smiles)
DAVID HYDE PIERCE
Isn't she adorable? Anyway, Alice Ripley wins.
ALICE RIPLEY
AARRGGGGHHH!! GRR AGRH GGRRR ARGH ARGH! MAAAAAH! GRFF!
AUDRA MCDONALD
Um... how about a shot of Sutton Foster again?
SUTTON FOSTER
(angrily welling up in tears)
AUDRA MCDONALD
And now, the winner for best actor WHO'S A LITTLE ADORABLE
BOY you can't refuse even if ONLY A THIRD of the Tony voters
saw them: the three Billy Elliots when you add them up!
FRANKE DOLCE, THE ONLY ONE
OF THE DOUBLE-CAST "BILLY'S BEST
FRIEND" KIDS WHO DIDN'T GET
NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD
W. T. F.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES [SANS SHREK MAKEUP]
I took off my makeup for nothing? Man, I could have just
slept in this again!
ALL THREE BILLY ELLIOTS
(verbatim text)
Oh my god...
Wow...
Um...
Heh...
Um...
This is quite unbelievable...
Heh...
Whoo...
Okay...
Um...
We have...
Our dressssser, Jesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.....
FIRST BILLY ELLIOT
My mom, my dad, my brother and sister.
SECOND BILLY ELLIOT.
I have a mom and a dad and TWO sisters.
THIRD BILLY ELLIOT
I have a mom and dad and THREE sisters.
FIRST AND SECOND
BILLY ELLIOTS
You win.
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
BAILEY FROM GREY'S ANATOMY
And now, because we definitely need the THIRD JERSEY BOYS
PERFORMANCE in FOUR YEARS, here are the Jersey Boys leads
from five different productions: Toronto, Vegas, Chicago, the
Tour, and Broadway. If you think your Frankie Vallie doesn't
SUCK compared to the OTHERS, why not go see it?
LIZA MINNELLI
(entering)
Hi I'm... did I forget to bring my winner envelope out?
[BADOOP BADOOP!]
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Remember me? I'm the host. Now I'm going to show you--last
minute during the credits--what you've been missing by me not
even getting to set up a opening number.
Neil Patrick Harris sings a clever and
raunchy "Tonight" parody that recaps
the winners EVEN HE WASN'T TOLD WHO THE
WINNERS WOULD BE EARLIER IN THE EVENING!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Yeah, so next time you invite me to host, give me more than
four goddamned minutes onstage. NPH OUT!
(winks)
BLACKOUT.
RSS Feed
E-mail me about new scripts!
