RENT ABRIDGED
OR
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND
SIX HUNDRED PLOT HOLES
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
Presented with UNCOLORBLIND NAMES (TM)
"Helping You Make Sense Of Way Too Many Characters
Since 1996"
SCENE: A BLANK STAGE THAT LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE NEW YORK
THEATRE WORKSHOP
WHITE NERD
Captain's log. December 24th, Nineteen hundred and ninety--
(cough)
WHITE HUNK
Wait, what year was that?
WHITE NERD
Cough. Nineteen-ninety-cough.
A phone rings.
WHITE NERD
Don't answer; let's "screen" it!
WHITE HUNK
Screen? What's that?
WHITE NERD
Listening to a voice message *as it's being left*.
WHITE HUNK
Wow, the 1990s sure were different!
MOTHER ON
ANSWERING MACHINE
Dear White Nerd,
I just called to remind you once more that I'm aware you
BROKE UP with WHITE GIRL who became a lesbian. I can't wait
to meet her in Act 2.
Also important-- Merry Christmas!... which it is! Today!
Even though we're Jewish!
Love,
Mom
WHITE HUNK
Um, did all people in the 1990s also leave messages like they
were writing a letter?
WHITE NERD
...not really.
Phone rings again.
It's GAY BLACK GUY!
(The one that DOESN'T cross-dress).
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Hey, it's me, I'm downstairs!
WHITE NERD
Hey, GAY BLACK GUY! I'm throwing you the keys out the
window.
(pause, to a confused
audience:)
Because our buzzer's broken. Cause we're poor. Obviously.
Suddenly...
WHITE HUNK
Oh no, the electricity is out. You know what that means...
BOTH WHITE GUYS
LET'S ROCK AND ROLL, ELECTRIC-GUITAR-LIKE-THE-ELECTRICITY-WAS
STILL-WORKING STYLE! YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Enter a group of lead characters that
consist of every GENDER, SEXUAL
ORIENTATION, and RACE that you can
think of, in case you didn't understand
the idea that DIVERSITY = HARMONY.
Oh, except for Arabs.
And Indians. Both kinds.
Okay, maybe never mind.
WHITE HUNK
IT'S COLD!
WHITE NERD
WE'LL BURN MY MANUSCRIPTS FOR HEAT!
WHITE HUNK
REMEMBER IN THE OPERA WHEN THAT WAS FUNNY?
WHITE NERD
YEAH!
MOST OF THE CAST
WE'RE NOT GOING TO GROW UP
AND GET JOBS AND PAY OUR DAMN RENT
EVEN THOUGH EVERYBODY DOES IT,
AND SOMEHOW THIS MAKES US
SYMPATHETIC CHARACTERS!
Song ends all crazy-like.
WHITE NERD
That was excessive.
SCENE: THE ALLEY WHERE GAY BLACK MEN MEET. SAME EVENING.
Enter what's possibly the only Gay
person in the world with zero fashion
sense.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
You allright?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Yeah, some assholes beat me up and took my coat.
But they missed a sleeve!
FLASH TO:
SCENE: TEN MINUTES AGO, SAME ALLEY.
Assholes are beating up
GAY NOT-CROSS-DRESSING GUY
and stealing his coat.
ASSHOLE #1
Wait, we missed a sleeve. He's unconscious and badly-beaten
on the floor, are you sure you don't want to just--
ASSHOLE #2
No, we got our 7/8ths of a coat. Our work here is
done.
SCENE: BACK IN THE APARTMENT, SAME EVENING.
WHITE NERD
OK, I'm going to go help WHITE GIRL--
(to audience)
who I used to DATE!
(back to HUNK)
--with her SOUND SYSTEM for her performance piece tonight.
Wanna come?
WHITE HUNK
Nah, I haven't left the house in a year.
WHITE NERD
Worst roommate ever.
(to audience)
By the way, HE HAS AIDS AND IS GOING TO DIE.
God help you for the rest of this show if you weren't paying
attention just then.
(exits)
WHITE HUNK
(pulls out guitar, sings:)
ONE SONG, GLORY.
ONE SONG,
JUST - LIKE - THIS - ONE.
GLORY,
IF I COULD JUST WRITE OOOONE...
...SONG!
ONE SONG.
IF I COULD WRITE
ONE SONG
LIKE THE ONE THAT I'M SING-ING...
PERHAPS LIKE WHAT I RIGHT NOW SING!
ONE SONG
WHERE WILL I, FIND A TUNE?
MAYBE
LIKE-THE-ONE-THAT-I SING NOOOOW?
WHERE CAN IIIIIII.....
FIND!
LY-RICS?
NO THEY DON'T *NEED* TO BE GREAT.
MU-SIC?
MUCH WORSE THAN THIS SONG'S.
STO-RY? NO:
I WANT A SONG LIKE THIS!--
We interrupt this poorly-constructed
song parody for a knock at the door.
Who can it be?
Why, we couldn't go an entire diversity
musical without a LATINA CHARACTER!
LATINA GIRL
Hello complete stranger, would you light my candle?
WHITE HUNK
Sure, you can just borrow this Zippo--
LATINA GIRL
NO, I SAID LIGHT THE CANDLE SPECIFICALLY WITH A MATCH.
WHITE HUNK
Why on earth would you come next door to have some *candle*
lit?
LATINA GIRL
Dunno, thought we should find SOME way to stay true to the
original opera.
SCENE: WHITE NERD HELPS LESBIAN BLACK GIRL WITH SOUND SYSTEM
FOR WHITE GIRL, AND IT'S *STILL* THE SAME DAY.
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL is talking on a
really, really giant cellphone...
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
We're all set for your performance tonight, WHITE GIRL.
...while also talking on a New York
City Payphone...
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
Oh my god I'm talking on multiple phones at once, how
humorous!
Giant cellphones? NYC Payphones?
Ah, the curious nostalgia for the 1990s
just never ends!
WHITE NERD
(entering)
Hello, SEVENTH MAIN CHARACTER. So, you date WHITE GIRL now?
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
Yes.
(to audience)
And WHITE NERD used to date her. Just in case you still
weren't sure.
WHITE NERD
Is WHITE GIRL here?
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
No, her half-hour calltime hasn't even passed.
Why don't we just talk about her a lot instead?
WHITE NERD
Okay...
(pauses, sings:)
WHITE GIRL CHEATED ON ME A WHOLE LOT
AND SHE'LL DO THE SAME TO YOU!
(smiles)
Boy, that was a load off of my chest.
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
Well thanks a lot. Now I feel like shit.
WHITE NERD
You really shouldn't. The show's a quarter done, and my
character just completed his ENTIRE EMOTIONAL ARC.
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
Ha ha. Your character blows.
SCENE: A FEW MINUTES LATER.
WHITE NERD
I'm back from fixing WHITE GIRL's sound system.
WHITE HUNK
(pulls out Playbill)
No, you aren't. That scene isn't supposed to happen until
much later, for reasons unbeknownst to man.
WHITE NERD
Oh?
(also pulls out Playbill)
You're right... So then where was I really during "One Song"
and "Light My Candle"?
WHITE HUNK
Let's go with "conveniently offstage, so I could have alone
time and character development".
WHITE NERD
Shut up you, taunting me with the character development that
I shall never be privy to!
WHITE HUNK
Hey you know, we totally forgot about black-non-cross-dresser
guy. He hasn't come up in a good four or five songs, should
we be concerned about him?
WHITE NERD
No, why?
WHITE HUNK
Dude's got our keys. Shouldn't we at least be concerned
about our KEYS?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
(entering)
No, I'm here!
WHITE NERD
Welcome back to New York!
Say, weren't you teaching at MIT? (he asked, unconvinced
that a basically-homeless man used to teach at
the country's top technical institute).
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Well, I got kicked out for HACKING INTO the Virtual Reality
system--
WHITE HUNK
Wow, I remember Virtual Reality from the 1990s! What ever
happened to--
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
(clears throat)
...HACKING INTO the Virtual Reality system and spreading
around a virus to have it display a pro-AIDS message.
JUMP CUT TO:
SCENE: MIT, VIRTUAL REALITY "LAB".
MIT KID #1
(wearing silly goggles)
I shot the Virtual Pterodactyl from the back, now you
just you have to do it from the front!
MIT KID #2
(also looking like a fucktard)
I can't! Every time I go to shoot the Virtuality gun, it just
displays some message about AIDS!
MIT KID #1
But the Pterodactyl is going to get us!
MIT KID #2
I can't make the AIDS messages go away!
MIT KID #1
We're going to Virtual-y die!
BOTH
AAAAAGH!
(are attacked by a
virtual pterodactyl.
And virtual AIDS)
MIT KID #2
Worst video game ever.
BACK TO:
SCENE: BACK IN THE APARTMENT
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
(sighs to self)
Ah, my Virtual Reality "Virus".
WHITE NERD
"Virus"? So, you're saying that in the 1990s, Virtual
Reality was... The Internet?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
No, I'm saying I have AIDS. And you know who else has AIDS?
My new CROSS-DRESSING BOY/GIRLFRIEND for all of 5 minutes!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
(entering, singing)
HELLO BOYS
I HAVE LOTS OF MONEY TO GIVE AWAY
BECAUSE I WAS PAID TO PLAY MY DRUMS SO LOUD
THAT SOME DOG WOULD COMMIT SUICIDE
AND THEN I MET GAY-NOT-CROSSDRESSING-BLACK-GUY
AND NOW WE'RE IMMEDIATELY INTENSE LOVERS
BECAUSE "TODAY IS FOR YOU BUT TOMORROW WILL BE FOR ME"
WHICH MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO
WITH LIVING LIFE UNSELFISHLY SO THAT I GET TO GO
TO AN AWESOME HEAVEN?
BUT HELL, WHO KNOWS.
(pause)
ALSO THE NAME OF THE DOG WAS AKITAOREVITA.
I HOPE YOU REMEMBER THAT.
WHITE NERD
I lost you at "hello".
A "THELMA AND LOUISE" REFERENCE
TO THROW OFF ANY POSSIBILITY OF
YOU EVER FIGURING OUT WHAT YEAR
WE'RE ACTUALLY IN, AND WE'RE AT:
SCENE: A BLACK STAGE THAT LOOKS SLIGHTLY LESS LIKE THE INSIDE
OF AN APARTMENT.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
(appearing)
Hey, it's me, the sorta-bad-guy!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
Huh? Who's that?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
I'm the guy who, before the musical began, used to live with
WHITE HUNK and WHITE NERD in a friendship that YOU WILL
TOTALLY MISS THE HISTORY OF, but then I married a rich girl
that YOU WILL NEVER GET TO MEET before I became uber
corporate.
I'll redeem myself in act two over the course of 2 words of
dialogue: "I'll pay". But don't worry if you don't catch
them because it's hard to care about redemption from a
character that you NEVER GOT TO SEE FALL in the first place.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
Why are you in this show?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
I'm played by Taye Diggs.
WHITE NERD
Touche.
SCENE: LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
PEOPLE AT LIFE
SUPPORT MEETING
(singing)
THERE'S ONLY AIDS
THERE'S ONLY AIDS
FORGET REGRET
CAUSE LIFE IS ONLY AIDS--
MAYBE AN ASIAN GUY?
Wait, I'm confused. See, I have HIV, and you're not really
differentiating between HIV and Full Blown AIDS.
HEAD OF LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
Well, humankind didn't really know the difference back here
in Nineteen eighty *COUGH*.
OK, AN ASIAN GUY
I thought this takes place in Nineteen *Ninety* cough.
HEAD OF LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
Shh.
GORDON
(just some guy at the meeting)
Hey, I have a problem with the overly rosy way you're
teaching us to deal with AIDS.
HEAD OF LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
Maybe it's because we're all on this very tall platform way
upstage right, and you're by yourself all the way downstairs,
downstage left.
GORDON
Oh?
(walks up to the platform)
Wow, you're right! Having AIDS is much more optimistic from
up here!
SCENE: OUT TONIGHT / ANOTHER DAY
LATINA GIRL
You really should hook up with me.
WHITE HUNK
Why?
LATINA GIRL
Because you can see all of the details of my womanly plumbing
in these pants.
WHITE HUNK
(angrily shouting)
(but via song!)
NO GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT YOU LITTLE GIRL I CAN'T HANDLE YOU
GOD DAMN WITCH.
LATINA GIRL
Whoa, harsh. Didn't we JUST MEET?
SCENE: GENERAL OUTDOORS NEW YORK CITY AGAIN
WHITE NERD and both BLACK GUYS are
outside homeless-people-watching, which
is kinda weird.
HOMELESS PERSON
Stop videotaping me.
WHITE NERD
Wow homeless person, you're bitter for no apparent reason I
can derive.
HOMELESS PERSON
Yeah I don't know maybe it's because you're VIDEOTAPING ME.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
New York city blows chunks.
Homeless People in the streets suddenly
do synchronized choreography.
Perhaps Homeless People in the 90s
were just more talented.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
You and I should go to Santa Fe together and open up a
restaurant!
FLASH TO:
SANTA FE...
...where both gay black guys are trying
to run a fine dining establishment.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
I said Scallopini!
Come on, don't you know how to make Veal Scallopini!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
I play a fucking drum on the streets for a living. Who said
I knew how to cook?!?!?
DINING PATRONS IN
SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO
(hearing this from the seating
area, and not quite as open
minded as East Villagers)
Wait, the chef is a cross-dresser? No way I'm eating here.
Leave that shit in Broadway Musicals where it BELONGS!
BACK TO:
EASTERN VILLAGE:
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Yeah on second thought... Forget the restaurant.
SCENE: ANOTHER PART OF ALPHABET CITY.
WHITE HUNK apologizes to LATINA GIRL.
WHITE HUNK
I'm sorry for being so mean to you, LATINA GIRL. I suppose
we just were meant to have a rocky relationship.
LATINA GIRL
Yes, these 45...
...minutes...
...have been tumultuous.
You'd think that would be my first clue that this isn't going
to work out too well.
WHITE HUNK
Can I simply make up for screaming your head off by inviting
you out to a dinner party?
LATINA GIRL
Apparently.
Enter a DRUG DEALER.
DRUG DEALER
You can't invite her out for a dinner party, she's supposed
to be doing drugs tonight!
WHITE HUNK
No, I've SAVED HER FROM YOU!
DRUG DEALER
Nooooooooooo!
(melts)
EVIL
(is defeated once again!)
SCENE: SOME SORT OF ALPHABET CITY FLEA MARKET THAT'S
APPARENTLY OPEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
GAY COUPLE goes SHOPPING.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
Let's buy you some crappy stolen used clothes.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Why, I should declare my love to you in a love duet so
crappy, they must have saved it for the gay characters!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
Come live with me. I think it's time to take that step.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Yes, it is! Being together these 53...
...minutes...
...have shown me that you are truly "the one".
WHITE NERD
God, I'll never understand gay people.
Suddenly, LESBIAN WHITE GIRL appears on
an INVISIBLE MOTORCYCLE, which for some
reason doesn't make a motorcycle noise if
you're listening to the cast recording.
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
It's me! Main character number 8!
WHITE GIRL then does a what YOU think a
Performance Art piece would be like.
You know, if YOU were from LONG ISLAND.
WHITE NERD
Huh? We built up this one character the entirety of Act One,
and she's just regular Idina Menzel?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
(breaking character)
Hey you know what FUCK YOU.
SCENE: "THE LIFE CAFE", WHICH IN REAL LIFE I'VE BEEN TOLD
SERVES SOME SUPERB MEATLOAF.
After a year of sequestering himself,
WHITE HUNK has made the giant personal
step of leaving the apartment.
And everybody pretty much ignores this.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
How come your wife missed WHITE GIRL's show?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Because our AkitaOrEvita died.
(pause)
My Dog. Who was killed by cross-dresser, unbeknownst to me.
(pause)
What nobody pays attention to throwaway lines of lyrics
anymore?
WHITE NERD
(to waiter)
I'll have the expensive organic food platter.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
How extravagant. So does that mean you have some rent
money?
WHITE NERD
(eating mushroom truffles)
Still no.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Boy, I'm SUCH AN ASSHOLE for asking you bohemians to pay
rent!
WHITE NERD
That doesn't really make you an asshole. No, as our landlord
it's a decently reasonable request.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
But you see, I'm asking you to BACK-PAY the rent for the
entire past year, the period in which I told you guys you
could live for FREE. It's a year's worth of rent all at ONCE.
WHITE HUNK
I didn't catch that. Did anybody catch that?
WHITE NERD
No.
LATINA GIRL
No.
CHORUS
No.
WHITE HUNK
We have a chorus?
CHORUS
(singing...
well, shouting really)
LIST SONG!
LIST SONG!
LIST SONG!
LIST SONG!
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Hey LATINA GIRL, your new boyfriend doesn't know about us.
I think we used to fuck?
LATINA GIRL
So do you have AIDS?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Somehow I don't.
WHITE HUNK
(overhearing)
I DO! Let's date, LATINA GIRL, it's great to have things in
in common! AZT AZT AZT.
And everybody knows what AZT is, RIGHT?
No? Oh... well, it's an expensive drug
treatment that people with no jobs could
apparently afford in the 90s...
SCENE: NEW YEAR'S EVE.
CHORUS
(singing, solo'd by some E-list
celebrity or other)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!
WHITE NERD
So, we're breaking into our apartment. It's been really
difficult this past week, not being able to live there and
instead living at (mumble mumble cough).
WHITE HUNK
Let's hoist a rope over the fire escape, then tie it off of
that bench, then climb in through the window and from the
back--
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
What is this, the ending to Huck Finn? Let's just break into
a FOLDING TABLE instead.
They DO.
WHITE NERD
Can we take a quick tally of what's up with all the couples?
GAY COUPLE
We're happy, as only GAY PEOPLE can be!
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL and I are catfighting, because she
might've cheated on WHITE NERD and that bothers me somehow.
WHITE HUNK
We're so happy in our week-old relationship...
LATINA GIRL
...that I've stopped taking EVIL DRUGS! For like a WHOLE
WEEK!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
This family sure does have some deep roots.
LATINA GIRL
Deep roots? I've known you seven days. Are you one of those
serial best-friend types?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Everyone, I'm going to give you your keys back because Latina
Girl had sex with me.
WHITE HUNK
LATINA GIRL, did you cheat on me?
LATINA GIRL
Actually, I have NO IDEA. Am I sympathetic or a whore? Does
anybody know? Please?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY, why aren't you spending New Years Eve
with your wife?
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Oh, she had... thing... to do ....
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Is it safe to assume by now that you probably made her up?
Suddenly we jump forward an indeterminable
number of months. Like, a couple of times
in a row.
WHITE HUNK
HEY! FORGET YOU, LATINA GIRL! I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!
LATINA GIRL
I am sad! I will revert back to EVIL DRUGS. And maybe
having sex with STRAIGHT BLACK GUY?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
Let's *all* have sex!
EVERYBODY
YAY!
They all play musical chairs, then get
under a sheet and wriggle around a
whole bunch in an attempt of what's
supposed to be "Performance Art".
If you're born in Westchester County to
a Jewish Family, perhaps.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO
*IS* A CROSS-DRESSER
(having an orgasm as he
dies?!?!?!?)
OH NO I DIED OF SEX!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Figures. We were the only happy couple.
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
I'll miss cross-dresser. He would make a dress out of a
tablecloth and the next year, they'd be mass-producing them
at the Gap.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Really.
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
Crazy, right?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
And you've knew him for how long?
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
(to audience)
IT'S HALLOWEEN...
(to GBGW*N*ACD)
So that'd be... Ten Months.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
And... The next year, the Gap. Really. STOP SCREWING UP MY
MOURNING.
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
YEAH!
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
YEAH!
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
I WANNA FIGHT!
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
ME TOO!
They DO.
We skip forward more months,
how many is up to your IMAGINATION!
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
Oh, now I feel terrible! Let's get back together!
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
Let's!
BOTH LESBIANS
YAY!
CHORUS
(again?)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!
WHITE HUNK
Oh no... then my relationship had better take up the
overdramatics!
LATINA GIRL
I MAY OR MAY NOT BE SLEEPING WITH STRAIGHT BLACK GUY!
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
That makes no sense. Aren't I aware that you have AIDS? And
that you were dating WHITE HUNK--who also has AIDS--for a
good FOUR OR FIVE HOURS?
LATINA GIRL
Well maybe people in Nineteen Ninety Cough didn't know
AIDS was sexually transmitted.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
I'm pretty sure people did.
LATINA GIRL
Well WITHOUT YOU, WHITE HUNK, I'm SAD.
Perhaps I should stop cheating on you,
if that is in fact what I'm doing.
CHORUS
(yet again...)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!
WHITE HUNK
WHITE HUNK is leaving the East village.
WHITE NERD
JESUS FUCK, IS EVERYBODY BEING PRICED OUT OF
MANHATTAN?!?!?!?!??!
WHITE HUNK
What? Oh, no, not yet... this is the 1990s.
WHITE NERD
Oh yeah.
We skip forward more months while you blink.
WHITE HUNK
WHITE HUNK needs a change; he's moving to Santa Fe.
WHITE NERD
Santa Fe? Why?
WHITE HUNK
BLACK GAY GUY haphazardly mentioned it in Act One... seemed
like a great idea.
WHITE NERD
You weren't even in the scene where he--
WHITE HUNK
SEEMED LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
WHITE NERD
How are you going to get there?
WHITE HUNK
WHITE HUNK traded in his guitar for a whole car.
WHITE NERD
Boy, money made no sense in the 1990s!
WHITE HUNK
WHITE NERD MAKE NO SENSE IN THE 1990s!
WHITE NERD
IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP TALKING IN THIRD PERSON, THEN
LEAVE!
WHITE HUNK
I'll call.
I hate the fall.
(pause)
Oh my god I can't believe I just rhymed that.
(exits)
CHORUS
(surprise!)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!
WHITE NERD
While he's gone, I should rethink my dilemma about whether I
should sell my soul to being a cameraman for Hard Copy, or
whether I should instead continue making my obviously shitty
film. I'm going to choose the latter, because I never want to be
accountable for anything--
WHITE HUNK
(enters)
Hey I'm back, and it's cough months later.
I sold my car and bought a guitar again and came up with an idea
for ONE SONG which I wrote.
WHITE NERD
Sounds like a character development I'd love to see if they
ever make a movie version of this!
WHITE HUNK
Nah... It'll end up with me singing on a mountaintop.
WHITE NERD
Your epiphany was The Sound of Music?!?!?
CHORUS
(aww, did you miss them?)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Hey, everyone, I hacked the ATM at the supermarket!
WHITE NERD
What's the code?
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
A-N-G-E-L.
WHITE NERD
....
WHITE HUNK
ATMs have numbers as pin codes.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
(holding back tears)
I... I never went to MIT....
WHITE NERD
So who wants to see my film?
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
You've been making a film?
WHITE NERD
Yeah, all this time! If I can't develop my character, I can
at least develop film!
(chuckles to self, shows film)
WHITE HUNK
Your...
Your film is basically of people mugging.
WHITE NERD
Yes.
WHITE HUNK
Throughout everything we've seen.
WHITE NERD
Yes.
WHITE HUNK
Instead of getting a job.
WHITE NERD
See, getting a job would have made me a sellout!
WHITE HUNK
I'd love to call that a pathetic waste of a year's worth-
especially considering that the internet hasn't really become
a distraction yet--but it just took me just as long to write
a four-minute boy-band ditty.
CHORUS
(well they missed *you*!)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!
Way too many damned answering machines
play at the same time, then:
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
AND LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
Help! We have LATINA GIRL and she's dying of a lethal
combination of AIDS and EVIL DRUGS and WHITE HUNK NOT LOVING
HER ENOUGH!
CHORUS
(singing)
SEASONS OF...
LO-O-
WHITE HUNK
SHUT UP!
Oh, I feel terrible about this... Or maybe I don't. Did you
actually cheat on me with STRAIGHT BLACK GUY?
LATINA GIRL
Can't... answer... there's so little... life left in me.
WHITE HUNK
Wait, you can't go yet. I wrote you a song. I gotta play it
for you first.
LATINA GIRL
But. I'm. Dying.
WHITE HUNK
Hold on... lemme just go get my guitar....
(rummages around)
Where is it?
(rummages)
It's gotta be here SOMEWHERE!
(rummages more)
DAMMIT WHITE NERD WHERE DID YOU PUT MY GUIT--
Ah here it is.
(sings)
YOUR EYES,
THE ONES THAT--
LATINA GIRL
(dies)
WHITE HUNK
NO!!!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO AT LEAST WAIT FOR THE CHORUS!
(sung incredibly dramatically)
LATINA GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRL!
Enter A GHOST.
WHITE HUNK
Latina Girl! As a ghost, you look a hell of a lot like
Jonathan Larson.
THE GHOST OF JONATHAN LARSON
No, ignore those impulses you have from all of those times
you saw that horrible Met production of La Boheme. For you
see, LATINA GIRL isn't really dead... because this musical
ends with HOPE!
LATINA GIRL
I'm alive! And life is great and fantastic and I have HOPE
for the future and for love and life! Thank you Jonathan
Larson! I'll live a long, happy life with WHITE HUNK.
THE GHOST OF JONATHAN LARSON
Yes, everybody smiles and is happy and full of HOPE.
Which, I guess, is a lot better than the other ending I had...
SCENE: A FINAL JUMP TO MORE INDETERMINABLE MONTHS LATER.
The whole cast meets up for an
impromptu support group, at the lot
that was BURNED DOWN after WHITE
LESBIAN's Christmas Eve show.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
Thank you all for supporting me here today. My wife divorced me
this morning after suspecting that I may or may not have been
cheating on her with LATINA GIRL. Pre-nup means I'm poor again.
Hey WHITE HUNK, how *is* LATINA GIRL?
WHITE HUNK
She's dead.
STRAIGHT BLACK GUY
What? But I thought she came back to life when you sang her
that song.
WHITE HUNK
My song didn't make her AIDS disappear.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
Well at least she and my dead CROSS-DRESSER BOYFRIEND will be
forever in Film, right WHITE NERD?
WHITE NERD
My film was rejected from every single film festival.
Apparently nobody wants a film that's just people smiling and
hugging in front of a backdrop.
WHITE HUNK
I tried getting my song played, and they passed on it because
it sounded derivative of the NSync-like stuff the 90s were...
are... so oversaturated with.
They were excited to see other things I'd written--
WHITE NERD
That's great!
WHITE HUNK
--and I had to admit to them that I've only written one song.
LESBIAN BLACK GIRL
This month we're fighting again. Next month we aren't.
LESBIAN WHITE GIRL
We'll probably break up any day now.
GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S
*NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER
I really miss my dead boyfriend.
Silence.
THE GHOST OF JONATHAN LARSON
Um...
No day but today?
BLACKOUT.
RSS Feed
E-mail me about new scripts!
