Rent: Abridged

                                    RENT ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                         FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND 
                               SIX HUNDRED PLOT HOLES
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod



                        Presented with UNCOLORBLIND NAMES (TM)
                 "Helping You Make Sense Of Way Too Many Characters 
                                     Since 1996"






            SCENE: A BLANK STAGE THAT LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE NEW YORK
            THEATRE WORKSHOP


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Captain's log.  December 24th, Nineteen hundred and ninety--
                          (cough)


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Wait, what year was that?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Cough.   Nineteen-ninety-cough.


                                   A phone rings.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Don't answer; let's "screen" it!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Screen?  What's that?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Listening to a voice message *as it's being left*.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Wow, the 1990s sure were different!


                                   MOTHER ON 
                                   ANSWERING MACHINE
            Dear White Nerd, 
                 I just called to remind you once more that I'm aware you
            BROKE UP with WHITE GIRL who became a lesbian.  I can't wait
            to meet her in Act 2.
                 Also important-- Merry Christmas!... which it is!  Today!
            Even though we're Jewish!
                                                                  Love, 
                                                                   Mom


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Um, did all people in the 1990s also leave messages like they
            were writing a letter?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            ...not really.


                                   Phone rings again.


                                   It's GAY BLACK GUY!


                                   (The one that DOESN'T cross-dress).


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Hey, it's me, I'm downstairs!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Hey, GAY BLACK GUY!  I'm throwing you the keys out the
            window.
                          (pause, to a confused
                           audience:)
            Because our buzzer's broken.  Cause we're poor.  Obviously.


                                   Suddenly...


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Oh no, the electricity is out.  You know what that means... 


                                   BOTH WHITE GUYS 
            LET'S ROCK AND ROLL, ELECTRIC-GUITAR-LIKE-THE-ELECTRICITY-WAS
            STILL-WORKING STYLE!   YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!


                                   Enter a group of lead characters that
                                   consist of every GENDER, SEXUAL
                                   ORIENTATION, and RACE that you can
                                   think of, in case you didn't understand
                                   the idea that DIVERSITY = HARMONY.


                                   Oh, except for Arabs.


                                   And Indians.  Both kinds.


                                   Okay, maybe never mind.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            IT'S COLD!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            WE'LL BURN MY MANUSCRIPTS FOR HEAT!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            REMEMBER IN THE OPERA WHEN THAT WAS FUNNY?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            YEAH!


                                   MOST OF THE CAST
            WE'RE NOT GOING TO GROW UP
            AND GET JOBS AND PAY OUR DAMN RENT
            EVEN THOUGH EVERYBODY DOES IT,
            AND SOMEHOW THIS MAKES US 
            SYMPATHETIC CHARACTERS!


                                   Song ends all crazy-like.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            That was excessive.






            SCENE: THE ALLEY WHERE GAY BLACK MEN MEET.  SAME EVENING.


                                   Enter what's possibly the only Gay
                                   person in the world with zero fashion
                                   sense.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO 
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            You allright?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Yeah, some assholes beat me up and took my coat.  
            But they missed a sleeve!


                                        FLASH TO:






            SCENE: TEN MINUTES AGO, SAME ALLEY.


                                   Assholes are beating up 
                                   GAY NOT-CROSS-DRESSING GUY
                                   and stealing his coat.


                                   ASSHOLE #1
            Wait, we missed a sleeve.  He's unconscious and badly-beaten
            on the floor, are you sure you don't want to just--


                                   ASSHOLE #2
            No, we got our 7/8ths of a coat.  Our work here is
            done.






            SCENE: BACK IN THE APARTMENT, SAME EVENING.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            OK, I'm going to go help WHITE GIRL--
                          (to audience)
            who I used to DATE!
                          (back to HUNK)
            --with her SOUND SYSTEM for her performance piece tonight. 
            Wanna come?


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Nah, I haven't left the house in a year.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Worst roommate ever.
                          (to audience)
            By the way, HE HAS AIDS AND IS GOING TO DIE.
            God help you for the rest of this show if you weren't paying
            attention just then.
                          (exits)


                                   WHITE HUNK 
                          (pulls out guitar, sings:)
            ONE SONG, GLORY.
            ONE SONG,
            JUST - LIKE - THIS - ONE.
            GLORY,
            IF I COULD JUST WRITE OOOONE...

            ...SONG!
            ONE SONG.
            IF I COULD WRITE
            ONE SONG
            LIKE THE ONE THAT I'M SING-ING...

            PERHAPS LIKE WHAT I RIGHT NOW SING!

            ONE SONG
            WHERE WILL I, FIND A TUNE?
            MAYBE
            LIKE-THE-ONE-THAT-I SING NOOOOW?
            WHERE CAN IIIIIII.....

            FIND!
            LY-RICS?
            NO THEY DON'T *NEED* TO BE GREAT.
            MU-SIC?
            MUCH WORSE THAN THIS SONG'S.
            STO-RY?  NO:
            I WANT A SONG LIKE THIS!--


                                   We interrupt this poorly-constructed
                                   song parody for a knock at the door. 
                                   Who can it be? 


                                   Why, we couldn't go an entire diversity
                                   musical without a LATINA CHARACTER!


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Hello complete stranger, would you light my candle?


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Sure, you can just borrow this Zippo--


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            NO, I SAID LIGHT THE CANDLE SPECIFICALLY WITH A MATCH.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Why on earth would you come next door to have some *candle*
            lit?


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Dunno, thought we should find SOME way to stay true to the
            original opera.






            SCENE: WHITE NERD HELPS LESBIAN BLACK GIRL WITH SOUND SYSTEM
            FOR WHITE GIRL, AND IT'S *STILL* THE SAME DAY.


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL is talking on a
                                   really, really giant cellphone...


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            We're all set for your performance tonight, WHITE GIRL.


                                   ...while also talking on a New York
                                   City Payphone...


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            Oh my god I'm talking on multiple phones at once, how
            humorous!


                                   Giant cellphones?  NYC Payphones?  


                                   Ah, the curious nostalgia for the 1990s
                                   just never ends!


                                   WHITE NERD 
                          (entering)
            Hello, SEVENTH MAIN CHARACTER.  So, you date WHITE GIRL now?


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            Yes.
                          (to audience)
            And WHITE NERD used to date her.  Just in case you still
            weren't sure.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Is WHITE GIRL here?


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            No, her half-hour calltime hasn't even passed.
            Why don't we just talk about her a lot instead?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Okay...
                          (pauses, sings:)
            WHITE GIRL CHEATED ON ME A WHOLE LOT
            AND SHE'LL DO THE SAME TO YOU!
                          (smiles)
            Boy, that was a load off of my chest.


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            Well thanks a lot.  Now I feel like shit.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            You really shouldn't.  The show's a quarter done, and my
            character just completed his ENTIRE EMOTIONAL ARC.


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            Ha ha.  Your character blows.






            SCENE: A FEW MINUTES LATER.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            I'm back from fixing WHITE GIRL's sound system.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
                          (pulls out Playbill)
            No, you aren't.  That scene isn't supposed to happen until
            much later, for reasons unbeknownst to man.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Oh?
                          (also pulls out Playbill)
            You're right... So then where was I really during "One Song"
            and "Light My Candle"?


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Let's go with "conveniently offstage, so I could have alone
            time and character development".


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Shut up you, taunting me with the character development that
            I shall never be privy to!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Hey you know, we totally forgot about black-non-cross-dresser
            guy.  He hasn't come up in a good four or five songs, should
            we be concerned about him?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            No, why?


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Dude's got our keys.  Shouldn't we at least be concerned
            about our KEYS? 


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
                          (entering)
            No, I'm here!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Welcome back to New York!  
            Say, weren't you teaching at MIT? (he asked, unconvinced
            that a basically-homeless man used to teach at
            the country's top technical institute).


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Well, I got kicked out for HACKING INTO the Virtual Reality
            system--


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Wow, I remember Virtual Reality from the 1990s!  What ever
            happened to--


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
                          (clears throat)
            ...HACKING INTO the Virtual Reality system and spreading
            around a virus to have it display a pro-AIDS message.


                                        JUMP CUT TO:






            SCENE: MIT, VIRTUAL REALITY "LAB".


                                   MIT KID #1
                          (wearing silly goggles)
            I shot the Virtual Pterodactyl from the back, now you
            just you have to do it from the front!


                                   MIT KID #2
                          (also looking like a fucktard)
            I can't!  Every time I go to shoot the Virtuality gun, it just 
            displays some message about AIDS!


                                   MIT KID #1
            But the Pterodactyl is going to get us!


                                   MIT KID #2
            I can't make the AIDS messages go away!


                                   MIT KID #1
            We're going to Virtual-y die!


                                   BOTH
            AAAAAGH!
                          (are attacked by a 
                           virtual pterodactyl.
                           And virtual AIDS)


                                   MIT KID #2
            Worst video game ever.


                                        BACK TO:






            SCENE: BACK IN THE APARTMENT


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
                          (sighs to self)
            Ah, my Virtual Reality "Virus".


                                   WHITE NERD 
            "Virus"?  So, you're saying that in the 1990s, Virtual
            Reality was... The Internet?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            No, I'm saying I have AIDS.  And you know who else has AIDS? 
            My new CROSS-DRESSING BOY/GIRLFRIEND for all of 5 minutes!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
                          (entering, singing)
            HELLO BOYS
            I HAVE LOTS OF MONEY TO GIVE AWAY 
            BECAUSE I WAS PAID TO PLAY MY DRUMS SO LOUD 
            THAT SOME DOG WOULD COMMIT SUICIDE 
            AND THEN I MET GAY-NOT-CROSSDRESSING-BLACK-GUY 
            AND NOW WE'RE IMMEDIATELY INTENSE LOVERS 
            BECAUSE "TODAY IS FOR YOU BUT TOMORROW WILL BE FOR ME"
            WHICH MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO 
            WITH LIVING LIFE UNSELFISHLY SO THAT I GET TO GO 
            TO AN AWESOME HEAVEN?
            BUT HELL, WHO KNOWS.
                          (pause)
            ALSO THE NAME OF THE DOG WAS AKITAOREVITA.  
            I HOPE YOU REMEMBER THAT.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            I lost you at "hello".


                                        A "THELMA AND LOUISE" REFERENCE
                                        TO THROW OFF ANY POSSIBILITY OF
                                        YOU EVER FIGURING OUT WHAT YEAR
                                        WE'RE ACTUALLY IN, AND WE'RE AT:






            SCENE: A BLACK STAGE THAT LOOKS SLIGHTLY LESS LIKE THE INSIDE
            OF AN APARTMENT.


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
                          (appearing)
            Hey, it's me, the sorta-bad-guy!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Huh?  Who's that?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            I'm the guy who, before the musical began, used to live with
            WHITE HUNK and WHITE NERD in a friendship that YOU WILL
            TOTALLY MISS THE HISTORY OF, but then I married a rich girl
            that YOU WILL NEVER GET TO MEET before I became uber
            corporate.  
            I'll redeem myself in act two over the course of 2 words of
            dialogue: "I'll pay".  But don't worry if you don't catch
            them because it's hard to care about redemption from a
            character that you NEVER GOT TO SEE FALL in the first place.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Why are you in this show?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            I'm played by Taye Diggs.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Touche.






            SCENE: LIFE SUPPORT MEETING


                                   PEOPLE AT LIFE 
                                   SUPPORT MEETING
                          (singing)
            THERE'S ONLY AIDS
            THERE'S ONLY AIDS
            FORGET REGRET
            CAUSE LIFE IS ONLY AIDS--


                                   MAYBE AN ASIAN GUY?
            Wait, I'm confused.  See, I have HIV, and you're not really
            differentiating between HIV and Full Blown AIDS.


                                   HEAD OF LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
            Well, humankind didn't really know the difference back here
            in Nineteen eighty *COUGH*.


                                   OK, AN ASIAN GUY
            I thought this takes place in Nineteen *Ninety* cough.


                                   HEAD OF LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
            Shh.


                                   GORDON
                          (just some guy at the meeting)
            Hey, I have a problem with the overly rosy way you're
            teaching us to deal with AIDS.


                                   HEAD OF LIFE SUPPORT MEETING
            Maybe it's because we're all on this very tall platform way
            upstage right, and you're by yourself all the way downstairs,
            downstage left.


                                   GORDON
            Oh?
                          (walks up to the platform)
            Wow, you're right!  Having AIDS is much more optimistic from
            up here!






            SCENE: OUT TONIGHT / ANOTHER DAY


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            You really should hook up with me.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Why?


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Because you can see all of the details of my womanly plumbing
            in these pants.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
                          (angrily shouting)
                          (but via song!)
            NO GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT YOU LITTLE GIRL I CAN'T HANDLE YOU
            GOD DAMN WITCH.


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Whoa, harsh.  Didn't we JUST MEET?






            SCENE: GENERAL OUTDOORS NEW YORK CITY AGAIN


                                   WHITE NERD and both BLACK GUYS are
                                   outside homeless-people-watching, which
                                   is kinda weird.


                                   HOMELESS PERSON
            Stop videotaping me.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Wow homeless person, you're bitter for no apparent reason I
            can derive.


                                   HOMELESS PERSON
            Yeah I don't know maybe it's because you're VIDEOTAPING ME.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            New York city blows chunks.


                                   Homeless People in the streets suddenly
                                   do synchronized choreography.


                                   Perhaps Homeless People in the 90s
                                   were just more talented.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER  
            You and I should go to Santa Fe together and open up a
            restaurant!


                                        FLASH TO:






            SANTA FE...


                                   ...where both gay black guys are trying
                                   to run a fine dining establishment.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            I said Scallopini!  
            Come on, don't you know how to make Veal Scallopini!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            I play a fucking drum on the streets for a living.  Who said
            I knew how to cook?!?!?


                                   DINING PATRONS IN 
                                   SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO
                          (hearing this from the seating
                           area, and not quite as open
                           minded as East Villagers)
            Wait, the chef is a cross-dresser?  No way I'm eating here. 
            Leave that shit in Broadway Musicals where it BELONGS!


                                        BACK TO:

            EASTERN VILLAGE:


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Yeah on second thought... Forget the restaurant.






            SCENE: ANOTHER PART OF ALPHABET CITY.


                                  WHITE HUNK apologizes to LATINA GIRL.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            I'm sorry for being so mean to you, LATINA GIRL.  I suppose
            we just were meant to have a rocky relationship.


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Yes, these 45... 
            ...minutes... 
            ...have been tumultuous.
            You'd think that would be my first clue that this isn't going
            to work out too well.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Can I simply make up for screaming your head off by inviting
            you out to a dinner party?


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Apparently.


                                   Enter a DRUG DEALER.


                                   DRUG DEALER
            You can't invite her out for a dinner party, she's supposed
            to be doing drugs tonight!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            No, I've SAVED HER FROM YOU!


                                   DRUG DEALER
            Nooooooooooo!
                          (melts)


                                   EVIL 
                          (is defeated once again!)






            SCENE: SOME SORT OF ALPHABET CITY FLEA MARKET THAT'S
            APPARENTLY OPEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.


                                  GAY COUPLE goes SHOPPING.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Let's buy you some crappy stolen used clothes.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Why, I should declare my love to you in a love duet so
            crappy, they must have saved it for the gay characters!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Come live with me.  I think it's time to take that step.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Yes, it is!  Being together these 53... 
            ...minutes... 
            ...have shown me that you are truly "the one".


                                   WHITE NERD 
            God, I'll never understand gay people.


                                   Suddenly, LESBIAN WHITE GIRL appears on
                                   an INVISIBLE MOTORCYCLE, which for some 
                                   reason doesn't make a motorcycle noise if
                                   you're listening to the cast recording.


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            It's me!  Main character number 8!


                                   WHITE GIRL then does a what YOU think a
                                   Performance Art piece would be like.


                                   You know, if YOU were from LONG ISLAND.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Huh?  We built up this one character the entirety of Act One,
            and she's just regular Idina Menzel?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
                          (breaking character)
            Hey you know what FUCK YOU.






            SCENE: "THE LIFE CAFE", WHICH IN REAL LIFE I'VE BEEN TOLD
            SERVES SOME SUPERB MEATLOAF.


                                   After a year of sequestering himself,
                                   WHITE HUNK has made the giant personal
                                   step of leaving the apartment.


                                   And everybody pretty much ignores this.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S  
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            How come your wife missed WHITE GIRL's show?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Because our AkitaOrEvita died.
                          (pause)
            My Dog.  Who was killed by cross-dresser, unbeknownst to me.
                          (pause)
            What nobody pays attention to throwaway lines of lyrics
            anymore?


                                   WHITE NERD 
                          (to waiter)
            I'll have the expensive organic food platter.


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            How extravagant.  So does that mean you have some rent
            money?  


                                   WHITE NERD 
                          (eating mushroom truffles)
            Still no.


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Boy, I'm SUCH AN ASSHOLE for asking you bohemians to pay
            rent!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            That doesn't really make you an asshole.  No, as our landlord
            it's a decently reasonable request.


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            But you see, I'm asking you to BACK-PAY the rent for the
            entire past year, the period in which I told you guys you 
            could live for FREE.  It's a year's worth of rent all at ONCE.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            I didn't catch that.  Did anybody catch that?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            No.


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            No.


                                   CHORUS
            No.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            We have a chorus?


                                   CHORUS
                          (singing... 
                           well, shouting really)
            LIST SONG!
            LIST SONG!
            LIST SONG!
            LIST SONG!


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Hey LATINA GIRL, your new boyfriend doesn't know about us.
            I think we used to fuck? 


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            So do you have AIDS?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Somehow I don't.  


                                   WHITE HUNK 
                          (overhearing)
            I DO!  Let's date, LATINA GIRL, it's great to have things in
            in common!  AZT AZT AZT.


                                   And everybody knows what AZT is, RIGHT?

                                   No?  Oh... well, it's an expensive drug 
                                   treatment that people with no jobs could 
                                   apparently afford in the 90s...






            SCENE: NEW YEAR'S EVE.


                                   CHORUS
                          (singing, solo'd by some E-list
                           celebrity or other)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            So, we're breaking into our apartment.  It's been really
            difficult this past week, not being able to live there and
            instead living at (mumble mumble cough).


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Let's hoist a rope over the fire escape, then tie it off of
            that bench, then climb in through the window and from the
            back--


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            What is this, the ending to Huck Finn?  Let's just break into
            a FOLDING TABLE instead.


                                   They DO.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Can we take a quick tally of what's up with all the couples?


                                   GAY COUPLE 
            We're happy, as only GAY PEOPLE can be!


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            LESBIAN WHITE GIRL and I are catfighting, because she
            might've cheated on WHITE NERD and that bothers me somehow.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            We're so happy in our week-old relationship...


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            ...that I've stopped taking EVIL DRUGS!  For like a WHOLE
            WEEK!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER  
            This family sure does have some deep roots.


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Deep roots?  I've known you seven days.  Are you one of those
            serial best-friend types?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Everyone, I'm going to give you your keys back because Latina
            Girl had sex with me.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            LATINA GIRL, did you cheat on me?


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Actually, I have NO IDEA.  Am I sympathetic or a whore?  Does
            anybody know?  Please?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S  
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            STRAIGHT BLACK GUY, why aren't you spending New Years Eve
            with your wife?


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Oh, she had... thing... to do ....


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S     
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Is it safe to assume by now that you probably made her up?


                                   Suddenly we jump forward an indeterminable
                                   number of months.  Like, a couple of times
                                   in a row.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            HEY!  FORGET YOU, LATINA GIRL!  I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            I am sad!  I will revert back to EVIL DRUGS.  And maybe
            having sex with STRAIGHT BLACK GUY?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Let's *all* have sex!


                                   EVERYBODY
            YAY!


                                   They all play musical chairs, then get
                                   under a sheet and wriggle around a
                                   whole bunch in an attempt of what's
                                   supposed to be "Performance Art".


                                   If you're born in Westchester County to
                                   a Jewish Family, perhaps.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO  
                                   *IS* A CROSS-DRESSER 
                          (having an orgasm as he
                           dies?!?!?!?)
            OH NO I DIED OF SEX!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Figures.  We were the only happy couple.


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            I'll miss cross-dresser.  He would make a dress out of a
            tablecloth and the next year, they'd be mass-producing them
            at the Gap.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Really.


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            Crazy, right?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            And you've knew him for how long?


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
                          (to audience)
            IT'S HALLOWEEN...
                          (to GBGW*N*ACD)
            So that'd be... Ten Months.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            And... The next year, the Gap.   Really.  STOP SCREWING UP MY
            MOURNING.


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            YEAH!


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            YEAH!


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            I WANNA FIGHT!


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            ME TOO!  


                                   They DO.

                                   We skip forward more months, 
                                   how many is up to your IMAGINATION!


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            Oh, now I feel terrible!  Let's get back together!


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            Let's!


                                   BOTH LESBIANS
            YAY!


                                   CHORUS
                          (again?)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Oh no... then my relationship had better take up the
            overdramatics!


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            I MAY OR MAY NOT BE SLEEPING WITH STRAIGHT BLACK GUY!  


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            That makes no sense.  Aren't I aware that you have AIDS?  And
            that you were dating WHITE HUNK--who also has AIDS--for a
            good FOUR OR FIVE HOURS?


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Well maybe people in Nineteen Ninety Cough didn't know
            AIDS was sexually transmitted.


                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            I'm pretty sure people did.


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Well WITHOUT YOU, WHITE HUNK, I'm SAD. 
            Perhaps I should stop cheating on you,
            if that is in fact what I'm doing.
            

                                   CHORUS
                          (yet again...)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            WHITE HUNK is leaving the East village.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            JESUS FUCK, IS EVERYBODY BEING PRICED OUT OF
            MANHATTAN?!?!?!?!??!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            What?  Oh, no, not yet... this is the 1990s.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Oh yeah.


                                   We skip forward more months while you blink.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            WHITE HUNK needs a change; he's moving to Santa Fe.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Santa Fe?  Why?


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            BLACK GAY GUY haphazardly mentioned it in Act One... seemed
            like a great idea.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            You weren't even in the scene where he--


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            SEEMED LIKE A GREAT IDEA.  


                                   WHITE NERD 
            How are you going to get there?


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            WHITE HUNK traded in his guitar for a whole car.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Boy, money made no sense in the 1990s!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            WHITE NERD MAKE NO SENSE IN THE 1990s!  


                                   WHITE NERD 
            IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP TALKING IN THIRD PERSON, THEN
            LEAVE!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            I'll call.
            I hate the fall.
                          (pause)
            Oh my god I can't believe I just rhymed that.
                          (exits)


                                   CHORUS
                          (surprise!)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            While he's gone, I should rethink my dilemma about whether I
            should sell my soul to being a cameraman for Hard Copy, or
            whether I should instead continue making my obviously shitty
            film.  I'm going to choose the latter, because I never want to be 
            accountable for anything--


                                   WHITE HUNK 
                          (enters)
            Hey I'm back, and it's cough months later.
            I sold my car and bought a guitar again and came up with an idea
            for ONE SONG which I wrote.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Sounds like a character development I'd love to see if they
            ever make a movie version of this!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Nah... It'll end up with me singing on a mountaintop.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Your epiphany was The Sound of Music?!?!?


                                   CHORUS
                          (aww, did you miss them?)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Hey, everyone, I hacked the ATM at the supermarket!


                                   WHITE NERD 
            What's the code?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            A-N-G-E-L.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            ....


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            ATMs have numbers as pin codes.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
                          (holding back tears)
            I... I never went to MIT....


                                   WHITE NERD 
            So who wants to see my film?


                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            You've been making a film?


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Yeah, all this time!  If I can't develop my character, I can
            at least develop film!
                          (chuckles to self, shows film)


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Your... 
            Your film is basically of people mugging.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Yes.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Throughout everything we've seen.  


                                   WHITE NERD 
            Yes.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Instead of getting a job.


                                   WHITE NERD 
            See, getting a job would have made me a sellout!


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            I'd love to call that a pathetic waste of a year's worth-
            especially considering that the internet hasn't really become
            a distraction yet--but it just took me just as long to write
            a four-minute boy-band ditty.


                                   CHORUS
                          (well they missed *you*!)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-O-OOOOOOVE!


                                   Way too many damned answering machines
                                   play at the same time, then:


                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
                                   AND LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            Help!  We have LATINA GIRL and she's dying of a lethal
            combination of AIDS and EVIL DRUGS and WHITE HUNK NOT LOVING
            HER ENOUGH!


                                   CHORUS
                          (singing)
            SEASONS OF...
            LO-O-


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            SHUT UP!
            Oh, I feel terrible about this... Or maybe I don't.  Did you
            actually cheat on me with STRAIGHT BLACK GUY?


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            Can't... answer... there's so little... life left in me.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Wait, you can't go yet.  I wrote you a song.  I gotta play it
            for you first.


                                   LATINA GIRL 
            But.  I'm.  Dying.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Hold on... lemme just go get my guitar....
                          (rummages around)
            Where is it?
                          (rummages)
            It's gotta be here SOMEWHERE!
                          (rummages more)
            DAMMIT WHITE NERD WHERE DID YOU PUT MY GUIT--
            Ah here it is.
                          (sings)
            YOUR EYES,
            THE ONES THAT--


                                   LATINA GIRL 
                          (dies)


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            NO!!!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO AT LEAST WAIT FOR THE CHORUS!
                          (sung incredibly dramatically)
            LATINA GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRL!


                                   Enter A GHOST.


                                   WHITE HUNK 
            Latina Girl!  As a ghost, you look a hell of a lot like 
            Jonathan  Larson.


                                  THE GHOST OF JONATHAN LARSON 
            No, ignore those impulses you have from all of those times
            you saw that horrible Met production of La Boheme.  For you
            see, LATINA GIRL isn't really dead... because this musical
            ends with HOPE!

                                   LATINA GIRL 
            I'm alive!  And life is great and fantastic and I have HOPE
            for the future and for love and life!  Thank you Jonathan
            Larson!  I'll live a long, happy life with WHITE HUNK.

                                   THE GHOST OF JONATHAN LARSON 
            Yes, everybody smiles and is happy and full of HOPE.
            Which, I guess, is a lot better than the other ending I had...



            SCENE: A FINAL JUMP TO MORE INDETERMINABLE MONTHS LATER.

                                   The whole cast meets up for an
                                   impromptu support group, at the lot
                                   that was BURNED DOWN after WHITE
                                   LESBIAN's Christmas Eve show.

                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            Thank you all for supporting me here today.  My wife divorced me
            this morning after suspecting that I may or may not have been 
            cheating on her with LATINA GIRL.  Pre-nup means I'm poor again.  
            Hey WHITE HUNK, how *is* LATINA GIRL?

                                   WHITE HUNK 
            She's dead.

                                   STRAIGHT BLACK GUY 
            What?  But I thought she came back to life when you sang her
            that song.

                                   WHITE HUNK 
            My song didn't make her AIDS disappear.

                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            Well at least she and my dead CROSS-DRESSER BOYFRIEND will be
            forever in Film, right WHITE NERD?

                                    WHITE NERD 
            My film was rejected from every single film festival. 
            Apparently nobody wants a film that's just people smiling and
            hugging in front of a backdrop.

                                   WHITE HUNK 
            I tried getting my song played, and they passed on it because
            it sounded derivative of the NSync-like stuff the 90s were...
            are... so oversaturated with. 
            They were excited to see other things I'd written--

                                   WHITE NERD 
            That's great!

                                   WHITE HUNK 
            --and I had to admit to them that I've only written one song.

                                   LESBIAN BLACK GIRL 
            This month we're fighting again.  Next month we aren't.

                                   LESBIAN WHITE GIRL 
            We'll probably break up any day now.

                                   GAY BLACK GUY WHO'S 
                                   *NOT* A CROSS-DRESSER 
            I really miss my dead boyfriend.

                                   Silence.

                                   THE GHOST OF JONATHAN LARSON 
            Um...
            No day but today?

                                                               BLACKOUT.

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