Spring Awakening: Abridged

                              SPRING AWAKENING ABRIDGED
                            The first "Broadway Abridged"
                              script in over 14 months.
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: THE EUGENE O' NEILL THEATRE...


                                   ...which has been retrofitted to look
                                   just like the Atlantic Theatre
                                   Company's West 20th Street home in
                                   Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood.  
                                   But larger.


                                   On stage is an empty low-cost... er...
                                   "minimalist" set.


                                   It is surrounded by audience members
                                   who bought low-cost tickets... 
                                   sorry... "minimalist" tickets.
                                   These audience members will become an
                                   unintended second source of
                                   entertainment during the rest of the
                                   show.


                                   Enter Lea Michele, to find out whether
                                   this was worth her giving up Eponine in
                                   Les Miserables.


                                   LEA MICHELE
                          (after singing a lullaby about
                           nothing in particular)
            Oh mother... where do babies come from?


                                   Enter Actress Who Plays Every Adult
                                   Woman.


                                   ACTRESS WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT WOMAN
            Well my teenager daughter, the stork brings it.


                                   LEA MICHELE
            Well, it's a good thing that this play takes place in THE
            PAST, otherwise the fact that I, like, totally BELIEVE you
            would seem UTTERLY ABSURD.


                                   She sings another song.  It doesn't say
                                   much.  It also doesn't really move the
                                   plot, it just vaguely illuminates the
                                   themes.


                                   We shall call it "Kander and Ebb Lite",
                                   yes?






            SCENE: CLASSROOM.


                                   We find JONATHAN GROFF and JOHN
                                   GALLAGHER, JR. being horny teens.


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
                          (with insane, insane Beakman's
                           World type hair)
            Jonathan, where do Babies come from?


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Why do you ask?


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            Overheard it in the last scene.  Also, HORNY TEEN ANGST.


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Well, you see when a man and a--


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            I've been at this VERY STRICT school for a long time.  Can
            you just give it to me as a 30 page paper?


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Weirdo.


                                   Enter rest of male class.


                                   REST OF MALE CAST
                          (finely establishing that
                           they're in a school)
            LATIN, LATIN, LATIN, LATIN.


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            Yes, you must learn Latin and the like, from me, your VERY
            STRICT professor.  And curses to your HORNY TEEN ANGST!


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            Um... Jonathan, are you happy to see me or something?


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Nah, it's just a microphone.


                                   Suddenly the simple lighting changes
                                   into ROCK STAR LIGHTING!  Jonathan
                                   Groff pulls the microphone out of his
                                   clothing and begins to sing Duncan
                                   Sheik music into it while behind him,
                                   an 1890s Germany continues to be 1890s
                                   and German.  


                                   This juxtaposition is TOTALLY JARRING
                                   and something you'll have to get 
                                   USED TO or else this show will make
                                   ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
                          (into a not-1890s microphone, 
                           Actual lyrics:)
            I KNOW THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO FIND
            JUST IN LOOKING THROUGH MYSELF AND NOT AT THEM.
            I KNOW TO TRUST MY OWN TRUE MIND
            THEN TO SAY THERE'S A WAY THROUGH THIS...


                                   ALTERNATIVE MUSIC COMPOSER
                                   DUNCAN SHEIK
            I went all this way to bring rock to Broadway just so I could
            write a Musical Theatre 101 "I WANT" song.  Bully for me!


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            And so, latin latin latin... By the way John, you're a crappy
            student and you're probably going to fail.


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            ANGST!  Also, HORNINESS!  Because we're teens, and we're
            HORNY!


                                   Lights go down even further.  Now all
                                   students take out their rather phallic
                                   microphones and sing into them.


                                   ALL STUDENTS
                          (emphasizing their 
                           "cuss word")
            Living is a BITCH!


                                   They do a whole bunch of Alternative
                                   Music Video types of moves.  This is
                                   very HIP and TRENDY and will further
                                   get REVIEWERS to use the word "Rent" a
                                   lot in their WRITE-UPS.


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (collectively speaking their
                           inner monologue out loud for
                           no given reason)
            I see... the JUXTAPOSITION is the 1890s strictness of adults--
            represented by the German play scenes--versus the inner angst
            of the children--represented by music sung in microphones by
            the "I am barely breathing" guy!  
            Okay, I'm willing to follow along so long as I have the
            microphones to clarify for me when the juxtapositioning
            happens!


                                   Do you see where this is going?  
                                   Good for you.






            SCENE: SOMEWHERE MINIMALIST THAT FEMALES TEENS "HANG OUT".


                                   LEA MICHELE
            We need to push the raunchiness to match our crappy, crappy
            logo and advertising campaign.  So far we've talked about
            where babies come from.  Also a reference to homosexuality,
            and having a crush on your piano teacher's breasts, and we
            used the word "Bitch" as the main chorus of a song.  We need
            to up the ante on pushing the envelope; girls, any idea?


                                   ONLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN 
                                   FEMALE IN CAST, 
                                   FOR SOME REASON
            I get beaten.  My father beats me!


                                   GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE'S
                                   GOTTA BE TWELVE
            Let's all talk about the details of YOUNG GIRLS being BEATEN!


                                   They take out microphones so they can
                                   do it with more TEEN ANGST.


                                   GIRL WHO DEFINITELY ISN'T
                                   ANYWHERE NEAR THE AGE HER
                                   CHARACTER'S SUPPOSED TO BE
            Now, LIKE, let's TOTALLY get a boy to masturbate on stage n'
            JUNK!


                                   LIBRETTIST STEVEN SATER
                          (twirling own hair)
            LIKE, I was alive in the late 80s... So I TOTALLY know how
            teens today talk n' JUNK!






            SCENE: ROCK CONCERT / TOILET / WHEREVER.


                                   Enter gay blonde.


                                   GAY BLONDE
            Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?


                                   He masturbates on stage during an
                                   entire song while looking at what seems
                                   to be a picture of a GIRL.  


                                   This makes NO SENSE because he has
                                   already been established as GAY.


                                   THE GAY PEOPLE
            WTF???


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            We're so EXPLICIT!


                                   LEA MICHELE
            Yes we ARE, Jonathan!  Now, I've never been BEATEN before. 
            Please, beat ME!


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Well... Okay....


                                   He does.  It is so over the top one
                                   can't help to find it COMICAL.


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
                          (now getting WAY too into it)
            YEAAAH!  Deep within my INNER PSYCHE I am human and have an
            INHERENT desire to BEAT a woman!


                                   FREUD
            Whatever.


                                   LEA MICHELE
            That pretty much covers all of the horrific things we can
            shove into this musical, right?
                          (pause)
            Right?






            SCENE: HOME OF JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            Don't commit suicide or anything, but you're failing school.


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            But Jonathan Groff's Dad--


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            I'm not Jonathan Groff's Dad in this scene.  I'm your dad.


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            How am I supposed to tell the difference?


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            Context.  Very minor changes in costuming.  
            Guessing.
                          (pauses)
            So yeah, don't fail school.  And also, I keep my gun over
            here.






            SCENE: THE PARK, A GREAT PLACE FOR 14 YEAR OLDS TO HAVE SEX.


                                   Jonathan Groff and Lea Michelle get
                                   just a little tiny bit naked and have
                                   sex.


                                   DANIEL "HARRY POTTER"
                                   RADCLIFFE
            This is naked?  Feh!  I'm going totally-buff in Equus!


                                   THE REST OF THE WORLD
            And you have no idea how much that FREAKS US OUT.


                                   Jonathan and Lea get onto a small
                                   platform which sways back and forth
                                   with their sex-rhythms.  For the first
                                   time in an hour, we stop looking at how
                                   HORRID life is and how BEAUTIFUL an act
                                   sex can be.


                                   ORIGINAL "SPRING AWAKENING"
                                   WRITER FRANK WEDEKIND
            Oh sure, you zprinkle my pley all oveh vis songks of
            runchiness, but vere I had him rrrape her you mek it loving
            unt warm?  NEIN!  ZIS IS NOT ZE GERMAN VEY!


                                   More soft, wonderful sensual beauty. 
                                   Lights go down and full cast comes on,
                                   singing more Duncan Sheikisms into
                                   their micropho--


                                   DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
            Nah, lose the microphones.  For no apparent reason, we're
            going to have you sing only every OTHER song with
            microphones.  Why keep a convention going when you can
            DESTROY IT ENTIRELY!  Speaking of destroying...






            SCENE: HOME OF LEA MICHELLE


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            You're pregnant.  You fucked.


                                   LEA MICHELE
            I am?  Why didn't anyone tell me I can get pregnant from
            fucking?  Why, mom?


                                   ACTRESS WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT WOMAN
            Coulda woulda shoulda.


                                   LEA MICHELE
            Why, dad?


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            I'm not your dad.  I'm the doctor now.


                                   LEA MICHELE
            Oh.






            SCENE: MORE MINIMALISM.


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            Here I am, with this gun, I'm going to kill myself, also I'm
            horny...


                                   RANDOM FEMALE CHARACTER WITH
                                   BREATHY SINGING VOICE
            Hey John, I'm a person you know but I've only entered the
            plot at this very second.  I have a lot of sex, which is
            apparently what you desire.  Before you kill yourself, wanna
            have sex?


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            No, I have homework to do.


                                   RANDOM FEMALE CHARACTER WITH
                                   BREATHY SINGING VOICE
            But you're really just going to kill yours--


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            No sex for us.
                          (kills self)


                                   RANDOM FEMALE CHARACTER WITH
                                   BREATHY SINGING VOICE
            Well that's a direct slap in the face.






            SCENE: JAIL CLASSROOM OR SOMETHING.


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
                          (reading note)
            She's pregnant and I'm stuck in Jail School or whatever I'm
            in?  This sucks.


                                   OTHER JAIL CLASSROOM KIDS
            Let's rape him or something!


                                   They do?


                                   (Do they?)






            SCENE: A DIFFERENT PART OF THE PARK, THIS PART WHERE *GAY*
            TEENAGERS HAVE SEX.


                                   GAY BLONDE
                          (campy and over the top)
            I want to lick off the cream... Will you help me lick off the
            cream?


                                   OTHER GAY BOY
                          (without any shred of
                           seriousness or sincerity)
            Yes... Yes... Lick the cream...


                                   THE GAY PEOPLE
            Gee, thanks for setting us back twenty years.






            SCENE: THE LAND OF "TELL DON'T SHOW".


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            Abortion kills.


                                   ACTRESS WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT WOMAN
            So will Lea survive it?


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            ABORTION KILLS!


                                   ACTRESS WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT WOMAN
            Who are you in this scene?


                                   ACTOR WHO PLAYS 
                                   EVERY ADULT MALE
            Abortion...
                          (pauses)
            Kills.






            SCENE: GRAVEYARD


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Oh, Lea and John...  You're dead, and I'm so sad!  And Lea...
            You even gave up being the return Eponine for this!


                                   Singing is heard.


                                   LEA MICHELE
                          (looking very silly coming out
                           of grave)
            TAKE MY HAND
            AND LEAD ME TO SALVATION
            TAKE MY LOVE
            FOR LOVE IS EVERLASTING


                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
                          (looking just as absurd)
            AND REMEMBER 
            THE TRUTH THAT ONCE WAS SPOKEN


                                   LEA MICHELE AND 
                                   JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
            TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON
            IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD
            AND... Um... SHIT BITCH FUCK!!!!!


                                   Jean Valj...


                                   (hiccup)


                                   Jonathan Groff is reassured by his two
                                   dead friends, and he goes up to heaven.


                                   No wait... NO!  He runs away and
                                   decides that they'll live INSIDE OF
                                   HIM, which is SUCH an original final
                                   message for a musical!


                                   Musical is over.


                                   AUDIENCE, COLLECTIVELY
                                   SPEAKING THEIR INNER
                                   MONOLOGUE OUT LOUD FOR NO
                                   REASON
            Well, we'll just get up and leave.


                                   CAST
            ENDING SONG!


                                   The cast sings an unnecessary,
                                   pointless and generic song about...


                                   You know, life, horniness, etc.


                                   THE ROCK MUSICAL
            Fuck, there I go again.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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