SPRING AWAKENING ABRIDGED
The first "Broadway Abridged"
script in over 14 months.
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE EUGENE O' NEILL THEATRE...
...which has been retrofitted to look
just like the Atlantic Theatre
Company's West 20th Street home in
Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood.
But larger.
On stage is an empty low-cost... er...
"minimalist" set.
It is surrounded by audience members
who bought low-cost tickets...
sorry... "minimalist" tickets.
These audience members will become an
unintended second source of
entertainment during the rest of the
show.
Enter Lea Michele, to find out whether
this was worth her giving up Eponine in
Les Miserables.
LEA MICHELE
(after singing a lullaby about
nothing in particular)
Oh mother... where do babies come from?
Enter Actress Who Plays Every Adult
Woman.
ACTRESS WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT WOMAN
Well my teenager daughter, the stork brings it.
LEA MICHELE
Well, it's a good thing that this play takes place in THE
PAST, otherwise the fact that I, like, totally BELIEVE you
would seem UTTERLY ABSURD.
She sings another song. It doesn't say
much. It also doesn't really move the
plot, it just vaguely illuminates the
themes.
We shall call it "Kander and Ebb Lite",
yes?
SCENE: CLASSROOM.
We find JONATHAN GROFF and JOHN
GALLAGHER, JR. being horny teens.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
(with insane, insane Beakman's
World type hair)
Jonathan, where do Babies come from?
JONATHAN GROFF
Why do you ask?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Overheard it in the last scene. Also, HORNY TEEN ANGST.
JONATHAN GROFF
Well, you see when a man and a--
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
I've been at this VERY STRICT school for a long time. Can
you just give it to me as a 30 page paper?
JONATHAN GROFF
Weirdo.
Enter rest of male class.
REST OF MALE CAST
(finely establishing that
they're in a school)
LATIN, LATIN, LATIN, LATIN.
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
Yes, you must learn Latin and the like, from me, your VERY
STRICT professor. And curses to your HORNY TEEN ANGST!
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Um... Jonathan, are you happy to see me or something?
JONATHAN GROFF
Nah, it's just a microphone.
Suddenly the simple lighting changes
into ROCK STAR LIGHTING! Jonathan
Groff pulls the microphone out of his
clothing and begins to sing Duncan
Sheik music into it while behind him,
an 1890s Germany continues to be 1890s
and German.
This juxtaposition is TOTALLY JARRING
and something you'll have to get
USED TO or else this show will make
ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
JONATHAN GROFF
(into a not-1890s microphone,
Actual lyrics:)
I KNOW THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO FIND
JUST IN LOOKING THROUGH MYSELF AND NOT AT THEM.
I KNOW TO TRUST MY OWN TRUE MIND
THEN TO SAY THERE'S A WAY THROUGH THIS...
ALTERNATIVE MUSIC COMPOSER
DUNCAN SHEIK
I went all this way to bring rock to Broadway just so I could
write a Musical Theatre 101 "I WANT" song. Bully for me!
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
And so, latin latin latin... By the way John, you're a crappy
student and you're probably going to fail.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
ANGST! Also, HORNINESS! Because we're teens, and we're
HORNY!
Lights go down even further. Now all
students take out their rather phallic
microphones and sing into them.
ALL STUDENTS
(emphasizing their
"cuss word")
Living is a BITCH!
They do a whole bunch of Alternative
Music Video types of moves. This is
very HIP and TRENDY and will further
get REVIEWERS to use the word "Rent" a
lot in their WRITE-UPS.
AUDIENCE
(collectively speaking their
inner monologue out loud for
no given reason)
I see... the JUXTAPOSITION is the 1890s strictness of adults--
represented by the German play scenes--versus the inner angst
of the children--represented by music sung in microphones by
the "I am barely breathing" guy!
Okay, I'm willing to follow along so long as I have the
microphones to clarify for me when the juxtapositioning
happens!
Do you see where this is going?
Good for you.
SCENE: SOMEWHERE MINIMALIST THAT FEMALES TEENS "HANG OUT".
LEA MICHELE
We need to push the raunchiness to match our crappy, crappy
logo and advertising campaign. So far we've talked about
where babies come from. Also a reference to homosexuality,
and having a crush on your piano teacher's breasts, and we
used the word "Bitch" as the main chorus of a song. We need
to up the ante on pushing the envelope; girls, any idea?
ONLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN
FEMALE IN CAST,
FOR SOME REASON
I get beaten. My father beats me!
GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE'S
GOTTA BE TWELVE
Let's all talk about the details of YOUNG GIRLS being BEATEN!
They take out microphones so they can
do it with more TEEN ANGST.
GIRL WHO DEFINITELY ISN'T
ANYWHERE NEAR THE AGE HER
CHARACTER'S SUPPOSED TO BE
Now, LIKE, let's TOTALLY get a boy to masturbate on stage n'
JUNK!
LIBRETTIST STEVEN SATER
(twirling own hair)
LIKE, I was alive in the late 80s... So I TOTALLY know how
teens today talk n' JUNK!
SCENE: ROCK CONCERT / TOILET / WHEREVER.
Enter gay blonde.
GAY BLONDE
Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?
He masturbates on stage during an
entire song while looking at what seems
to be a picture of a GIRL.
This makes NO SENSE because he has
already been established as GAY.
THE GAY PEOPLE
WTF???
JONATHAN GROFF
We're so EXPLICIT!
LEA MICHELE
Yes we ARE, Jonathan! Now, I've never been BEATEN before.
Please, beat ME!
JONATHAN GROFF
Well... Okay....
He does. It is so over the top one
can't help to find it COMICAL.
JONATHAN GROFF
(now getting WAY too into it)
YEAAAH! Deep within my INNER PSYCHE I am human and have an
INHERENT desire to BEAT a woman!
FREUD
Whatever.
LEA MICHELE
That pretty much covers all of the horrific things we can
shove into this musical, right?
(pause)
Right?
SCENE: HOME OF JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
Don't commit suicide or anything, but you're failing school.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
But Jonathan Groff's Dad--
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
I'm not Jonathan Groff's Dad in this scene. I'm your dad.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
How am I supposed to tell the difference?
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
Context. Very minor changes in costuming.
Guessing.
(pauses)
So yeah, don't fail school. And also, I keep my gun over
here.
SCENE: THE PARK, A GREAT PLACE FOR 14 YEAR OLDS TO HAVE SEX.
Jonathan Groff and Lea Michelle get
just a little tiny bit naked and have
sex.
DANIEL "HARRY POTTER"
RADCLIFFE
This is naked? Feh! I'm going totally-buff in Equus!
THE REST OF THE WORLD
And you have no idea how much that FREAKS US OUT.
Jonathan and Lea get onto a small
platform which sways back and forth
with their sex-rhythms. For the first
time in an hour, we stop looking at how
HORRID life is and how BEAUTIFUL an act
sex can be.
ORIGINAL "SPRING AWAKENING"
WRITER FRANK WEDEKIND
Oh sure, you zprinkle my pley all oveh vis songks of
runchiness, but vere I had him rrrape her you mek it loving
unt warm? NEIN! ZIS IS NOT ZE GERMAN VEY!
More soft, wonderful sensual beauty.
Lights go down and full cast comes on,
singing more Duncan Sheikisms into
their micropho--
DIRECTOR MICHAEL MAYER
Nah, lose the microphones. For no apparent reason, we're
going to have you sing only every OTHER song with
microphones. Why keep a convention going when you can
DESTROY IT ENTIRELY! Speaking of destroying...
SCENE: HOME OF LEA MICHELLE
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
You're pregnant. You fucked.
LEA MICHELE
I am? Why didn't anyone tell me I can get pregnant from
fucking? Why, mom?
ACTRESS WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT WOMAN
Coulda woulda shoulda.
LEA MICHELE
Why, dad?
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
I'm not your dad. I'm the doctor now.
LEA MICHELE
Oh.
SCENE: MORE MINIMALISM.
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
Here I am, with this gun, I'm going to kill myself, also I'm
horny...
RANDOM FEMALE CHARACTER WITH
BREATHY SINGING VOICE
Hey John, I'm a person you know but I've only entered the
plot at this very second. I have a lot of sex, which is
apparently what you desire. Before you kill yourself, wanna
have sex?
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
No, I have homework to do.
RANDOM FEMALE CHARACTER WITH
BREATHY SINGING VOICE
But you're really just going to kill yours--
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
No sex for us.
(kills self)
RANDOM FEMALE CHARACTER WITH
BREATHY SINGING VOICE
Well that's a direct slap in the face.
SCENE: JAIL CLASSROOM OR SOMETHING.
JONATHAN GROFF
(reading note)
She's pregnant and I'm stuck in Jail School or whatever I'm
in? This sucks.
OTHER JAIL CLASSROOM KIDS
Let's rape him or something!
They do?
(Do they?)
SCENE: A DIFFERENT PART OF THE PARK, THIS PART WHERE *GAY*
TEENAGERS HAVE SEX.
GAY BLONDE
(campy and over the top)
I want to lick off the cream... Will you help me lick off the
cream?
OTHER GAY BOY
(without any shred of
seriousness or sincerity)
Yes... Yes... Lick the cream...
THE GAY PEOPLE
Gee, thanks for setting us back twenty years.
SCENE: THE LAND OF "TELL DON'T SHOW".
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
Abortion kills.
ACTRESS WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT WOMAN
So will Lea survive it?
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
ABORTION KILLS!
ACTRESS WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT WOMAN
Who are you in this scene?
ACTOR WHO PLAYS
EVERY ADULT MALE
Abortion...
(pauses)
Kills.
SCENE: GRAVEYARD
JONATHAN GROFF
Oh, Lea and John... You're dead, and I'm so sad! And Lea...
You even gave up being the return Eponine for this!
Singing is heard.
LEA MICHELE
(looking very silly coming out
of grave)
TAKE MY HAND
AND LEAD ME TO SALVATION
TAKE MY LOVE
FOR LOVE IS EVERLASTING
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
(looking just as absurd)
AND REMEMBER
THE TRUTH THAT ONCE WAS SPOKEN
LEA MICHELE AND
JOHN GALLAGHER, JR.
TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON
IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD
AND... Um... SHIT BITCH FUCK!!!!!
Jean Valj...
(hiccup)
Jonathan Groff is reassured by his two
dead friends, and he goes up to heaven.
No wait... NO! He runs away and
decides that they'll live INSIDE OF
HIM, which is SUCH an original final
message for a musical!
Musical is over.
AUDIENCE, COLLECTIVELY
SPEAKING THEIR INNER
MONOLOGUE OUT LOUD FOR NO
REASON
Well, we'll just get up and leave.
CAST
ENDING SONG!
The cast sings an unnecessary,
pointless and generic song about...
You know, life, horniness, etc.
THE ROCK MUSICAL
Fuck, there I go again.
BLACKOUT.
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