RAGTIME ABRIDGED
OR
LES AMERICANBLES
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE NEIL SIMON THEATER...
...where they've stolen one catwalk
from every single Broadway theater so
they can keep claiming that this
production is "stripped down".
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
In 1994, Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb directed company
accountants to falsify Livent's records to boost its earnings
to the tune of half a billion dollars.
And it seemed, for some time thereafter, Ahrens and Flaherty
would be relegated to off-Broadway musicals or, worse,
"Seussical".
WASPS
La, la la la la!
RON BOHMER
Father was well off. Very well off, for a man who was best
known for replacing the lead in "Scarlet Pimpernel" and being
the secondary bad guy in "Woman in White". Yep, Lloyd
Webber's had a new musical on Broadway recently. I forgot
too!
CHRISTIANE NOLL
The land of "Jekyll and Hyde" fanatics was Mother's Domain.
She took pleasure in not having to sing Frank Wildhorn crap
anymore, and often told herself how fortunate she was to
finally be in a musical that allowed for simple things, like
"having your character perform plot-related actions".
BOBBY STEGGERT
Mother's... Younger Brother...
was a man...
in search of...
a way to not deliver...
his lines in a...
really weird off-kilter rhythm...
like he was...
Spring Awakening's John Gallagher Jr...
or...
yeah.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
In Harlem, Men and Women of color forgot their troubles and
excused the fact that Coalhouse Walker, Act Two's main
driving force, didn't appear in the plot at all for the first
half hour.
SARAH BROWNEYES
One young woman was freaked out that she had to fill Audra
McDonald's shadow! Her name was Sarah.... no! Audra's name
wasn't Sarah! Audra's name was Audra! I mean IS Audra!
Audra McDonald's not dead! Oh shoot I've already killed it
haven't I?!?
ROBERT PETKOFF
In Latvia, a man dreamed of a new world known as The American
Musical, a place where his daughter was the one girl from
"13" lucky enough to not be in Bye Bye Birdie, and where
famous people were pointlessly trotted out for vague name
recognition.
BOOKER T. WASHINGTON,
HARRY HOUDINI, J.P. MORGAN,
HENRY FORD, EMMA GOLDMAN,
ADMIRAL ROBERT E. PEARY,
MATTHEW HENSON, EVELYN
NESBIT, STANFORD WHITE,
HARRY K. THAW, HOUDINI'S
MOM, AND THE CAT IN THE HAT
(singing)
WE'LL POP UP HERE AND THERE
AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHERE
WHO OR WHAT WE MIGHT BE!
STANDFORD WHITE,
HARRY K. THAW
AND HOUDINI'S MOM
Oh wait... no, not us. We've been cut. I guess we were
gratuitous.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
(sympathizing)
Heck, that's never stopped any of the other American History
characters in this show.
HENRY FORD
I'm not cut from this show because I'm the tip-top! All men
are created equal, but the cream rises to the top!
J.P. MORGAN
Henry, did you just have two lines in a row that end in
"top"?
HENRY FORD
Terrence McNally couldn't have *possibly* written such a
strange mistake, such prose wouldn't rise to the top!
J.P. MORGAN
Please stop that.
HENRY FORD
Sure, I'll prioritize your request to the tippy top!
J.P. MORGAN
Grr.
Suddenly everyone hops onto a SOUL
TRAIN and gets ready to do a do-si-doe!
Then they follow each other around the
stage in straight lines and 90 degree
angles.
They are divided into the 3 TYPES OF
PEOPLE that existed back in early 1900s
America. White People:
WASPS
We are rich!
African Americans Who Live in Harlem:
BLACK PEOPLE
We are poor!
And People In The Cast Of
"Fiddler On the Roof":
FIDDLER CAST
(stomping ground while shaking
their arms in the
stereotypical air)
Every day is a bottle dance!
CHRISTIANE NOLL
You know what sucks about Ahrens and Flaherty opening
numbers? It's five minutes--
RON BOHMER
Twelve to sixteen.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
It's twelve to sixteen minutes in, and you know the rest of
the show won't ever be better than that.
RON BOHMER
When Ahrens and Flaherty get to the point where their songs
are "Sondheimed"--e.g. mined for endless revues--I'd like my
name thrown in for directing "OPENING NUMBERS ONLY: THE BEST
OF AHRENS AND FLAHERTY."
AHRENS AND FLAHERTY
Sure, let's do it in the basement of Lincoln Center. They're
basically our bitch now.
SCENE: FATHER IS LEAVING TO GO DISCOVER THE NORTH POLE.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
You're seriously ditching us for a whole year?
RON BOHMER
Oh, Mother. Nothing changes in a year, WINK WINK, NUDGE
NUDGE, SAY NO MORE.
But: I'll miss you so while I'm off exploring the North Pole.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
So then don't go.
RON BOHMER
Ha ha ha ha.
Anyway, goodbye wife. I'll think of you when I'm having sex
with an Eskimo in the book.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Eww.
Ron departs without saying I LOVE YOU,
in case you weren't sure yet whether
he's a TERRIBLE HUSBAND.
ADMIRAL ROBERT E. PEARY
Ron, this is my First Black Officer, Mr. Matthew Henson.
MATTHEW HENSON
(putting out his hand to shake)
Nice to meet you--
RON BOHMER
Oh, sorry, can't.
(points to self)
Very Racist.
Everyone sings a long throaty ballad.
Don't forget to park and/or bark!
RON BOHMER
Hey, what's that Robert Petkoff-looking character out there?
It's hard to see because I'm so impossibly far upstage.
MATTHEW HENSON
That's the man who marries and fornicates with your wife
after you die.
RON BOHMER
(pointing to self)
See this? STILL RACIST.
SCENE: BOBBY STEGGERT GOES TO VISIT EVELYN NESBIT.
Evelyn Nesbit swings back and forth
using a JUSTICE SCALE as her swing.
+1 for Cleverness.
-2 for Not Understanding When A
Character Could Be Cut Out Without
Missing Anything Important.
EVELYN NESBIT
Evelyn Nesbit was the most popular woman in America. If she
wore her hair in painfully unrealistic looking curls,
everybody wore their hair in painfully unrealistic looking
curls.
If she dressed like a pirate in Act Two for no particular
reason, everyone dressed like a pirate in Act Two for no
particular reason.
If she was the lead in Rock of Ages before being bumped by
both Amy Spanger and Kerry Butler--at separate times!--
then EVERYONE WAS THE LEAD IN ROCK OF AGES BEFORE BEING
BUMPED BY BOTH AMY SPANGER AND KERRY BUTLER AT SEPARATE
TIMES!
WHEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH!
Crappy vaudeville commences in the
background. Ah, American History!
BOBBY STEGGERT
Mother's Younger Brother was tired of speaking in the third
person.
(to Evelyn)
I'm going to change the world for you!
EVELYN NESBIT
You've apparently mistaken us for Jodi Foster and John
Hinckley Jr., but no matter, I'll give you a kiss.
BOBBY STEGGERT
That'll do for now, so long as Emma Goldman still massages
you sexually while I hide in the closet watching and playing
with myself, my discharge inevitably landing on you in the
end.
EVELYN NESBIT
WHAT. ARE. YOU. TALKING. ABOUT.
BOBBY STEGGERT
(hands her a copy of E.L.
Doctorow's "Ragtime")
EVELYN NESBIT
(skims through early chapters)
Holy shit.
(to audience)
And that right there should end the argument "this doesn't
stick close enough to the book".
For all dramatic works.
Forever.
SCENE: NEW ROCHELLE.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Let's see, here I am, all alone. My husband just left for
the North Pole just a mere hour ago and--
LITTLE BLACK BABY
BURIED IN HER GARDEN
(being found)
Wah.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Ha! Figures.
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
Why is that little black baby in our garden, Mother?
Are black people in New Rochelle just too poor to know the
difference between a garden and a dumpster?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
I'm starting to think Father leaving may have been a good
thing.
SCENE: A PLACE WHERE GIANT GATES DON'T CRASH DOWN ANYMORE.
ROBERT PETKOFF
I've decided to start out making money by selling drawings on
the streets rather than attempting a real job.
The cast of Fiddler on the Roof walks
back and forth on the stage endlessly
in what still passes for "Choreography"
in your Playbill.
ROBERT PETKOFF
Hmm. I wonder why I'm not making money?
HARRY HOUDINI
Probably because even a "stripped down" version still has 40
people.
ROBERT PETKOFF
You... you didn't understand my question at all.
He tries even harder at Artist-ing, but
instead he accidentally summons J.P.
Morgan.
J.P. MORGAN
Hi everyone. Remember me? From History?
ROBERT PETKOFF
What are you doing here?
J.P. MORGAN
The Cast of Fiddler promised they'd let me crush them while I
stand on a platform.
ROBERT PETKOFF
No, we don't really do that anymore. In any production.
Ever.
J.P. MORGAN
But there're an awful lot of platforms. Can't just one move
up and down?
ROBERT PETKOFF
You apparently don't understand the concept of "stripped
down".
DIRECTOR MARCIA
MILGROM DODGE
Yes, only *I* get to be the arbitrator for what is "stripped
down" or not.
J.P. MORGAN
Well now I'm confused as to what I'm doing here!
ROBERT PETKOFF
WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD!
HARRY HOUDINI
When you feel dejected, just think of me. I used to be an
immigrant!
ROBERT PETKOFF
You said that twice already. What kind of idol are you
supposed to be?
HARRY HOUDINI
Don't idolize me! Shit, I lie to people for a living.
SCENE: EMMA GOLDMAN GIVES SOME SPEECH.
EMMA GOLDMAN
Remember me, from History? I just came back from Boston,
where an immigrant is being overworked!
(pause)
In Boston. In a factory.
(pause)
With his daughter!
AUDIENCE
...
EMMA GOLDMAN
It's Robert Petkoff. He's in Boston now. Gee I don't know
how (COUGH COUGH) you could have possibly missed that line in
passing.
Well, at least he's doing "working in a factory" movements to
try and help clarif--
OH NO WAIT, they're in Philadelphia now. Man this guy knows
his Amtrak.
ROBERT PETKOFF
(huffing/puffing)
There was a lot of chaos or something and I had no idea what
sort of plot was being rushed down my throat,
and the next thing I knew I was on a train showing my child a
Flipbook? Which I call a "MovieBook".
GIRL FROM "13"
Sure. You came up with the word "Movie". Right.
ROBERT PETKOFF
GOD SO HELP ME I WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW YOUR
MOTHER WAS LEFT BEHIND IN LATVIA FOR WHORING HERSELF OUT.
(pauses)
Er, I mean, if you can't stomach that "made up the word
MOVIE" revelation, Act 2 is going to be pretty hard to swallow.
Robert Petkoff delivers the most
cloying song in the show, but in a way
that somehow does not make you want to
scoop out your own eardrums with a
grapefruit spoon!
ROBERT PETKOFF
See everybody in an hour!
(goes to Angus McIndoe's for a
leisurely dinner)
SCENE: HARLEM.
Let's meet more main characters! It's
never too late in RAGTIME to meet even
*more* main characters!
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
I'm black, and this is a musical. Which of course means my
life will constantly alternate between melodramatic and
violent.
Oh, I figured out where Sarah Browneyes is, and I'm going do
my damnest to make sure she takes me back.
BLACK PEOPLE
Yaaay! Er... we mean, what stereotypical things do black
people shout out? In musicals?
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
(miming piano)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Nothing-Is-Happenin'
Plotwise-Rag! Now let's all dance like how black people
dance! In musicals!
Quentin joins in dancing with various
other women that aren't Sarah
Browneyes.
BLACK WOMEN
Boy I wonder just how he "loved her not too wisely".
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
And to make up for everything, I'm sure she'll love me more
if I am driving a new car! Chicks dig cars, right? Even in
like 190X right?
Enter Henry Ford.
HENRY FORD
Hello everybody, you may notice that I'm not nearly as racist
today as you'd expect me to be from the source material.
That's because back in `98 the Ford Corporation invested a
excessive sum of money into this musical that, Jesus, we
could *really* use today. But the investment came with a
little-known stipulation that we could always replace this
portion of the musical with a more *updated* interruption if
we pleased.
So I'd like to present you the 2010 Ford Taurus:
A beaut, ain't she? Now not so long ago, we took the world
by surprise when we built cars that took people to places
they'd never been, like the Model T that Coalhouse here is
going to use to surprise his lady friend.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
(singing)
Hell, I'll take--
HENRY FORD
Well today, we're surprising the world again. With cars like
the 2010 Ford Fusion, our 41 MPG Hybrid:
Folks, this is our time to show everyone what one Ford can do
when we all work together to improve, innovate, and inspire.
These are cars made with integrity, imagination, and WITH
A QUALITY THAT IS NOW EQUAL TO TOYOTA! Ford. Drive one.
(walking offstage, to wings)
Jesus, Alan, imagine if we were also using that damn Toyota
line for our commercials.
(pause)
What? You're shitting me. Why, if I find the kike or nigg--
SCENE: SARAH BROWNEYES SINGS A TORTURED-BLACK-WOMAN-AS
WRITTEN-BY-WHITE-PEOPLE LONG THROATY BALLAD...
... and keeps from sounding
like she's bawling the entire song!
Good for her!
SARAH BROWNEYES
(singing)
ONLY DARKNESS AND PAIN
THE ANGER AND PAIN
THE BLOOD AND THE PAIN
THE MUD AND THE PAIN
THE FLOODIN' OF PAIN
THE SADNESS AND PAIN
THE MADNESS AND PAIN
THE GLADNESS AND PAIN
THERE'S OH SO MUCH PAIN
THE PAIN AND THE PAIN...
Something something heartstrings...
You get the idea.
SCENE: QUENTIN COMES TO VISIT SARAH.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Is there a woman named Sarah that lives here?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Sure, come inside.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
This wooden skeleton of a piano is badly in need of a tuning.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
It's the piano setpiece you own. It's the literal same
setpiece you played fifteen minutes ago--
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
(mimes playing piano)
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Holy crap you're damn good at miming the Piano when the Piano
is literally a Wooden Frame. Think you could teach Sahr
Ngaujah over at "Fela!" a lesson or two about how to mime
Saxaphone playing so he doesn't look so ridiculous?
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
I don't have time for that. I must speak to Sarah.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Sarah will not see you now.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
What if I came back every week?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Nope.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
What if I played the piano and sang a Best of Ragtime medley?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Nope.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
What if I sang the long throaty words,
(sung)
SARAH COME DOWN TO ME!
SARAH BROWNEYES
(running down like 7 flights of
stairs)
YEAH THAT'S ALL YOU NEEDED TO DO WAS ASK!
BLACK PEOPLE, WHITE PEOPLE,
JEWS, OH MY!
Let's suddenly be a Greek Chorus for the only time all play!
SARAH BROWNEYES
I'm trying to get
(inhale)
(exhale)
there, why are there so many
(inhale)
(exhale)
stairs? It's New Rochelle, not The Duomo.
RON BOHMER
(entering)
Hi honey, I'm home, and I brought back from Alaska a long
throaty ballad. Also, I'm limp for life now.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
How'd you get that?
RON BOHMER
Physical manifestation of my failure as a husband.
SCENE: THE SECOND LONG SLOW THROATY BALLAD IN A ROW?
Quentin and Sarah drive/walk up in the
sweetest looking Flintstones car you've
ever seen.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Sarah, look at our baby. Your folks will take to him like
cats to cream. Wow, that felt weird to say.
SARAH BROWNEYES
I CAN'T CONCENTRATE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF I'M HOLDING
MY OWN TO AUDRA MCDONALD! Will I at least be good enough to
play her part if they ever make a Private Practice Stage
Musical?
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Shhh... it's going to be okay, Sarah Browneyes.
Or should I say, Sarah Browneyes, my wife!
SARAH BROWNEYES
Oh, Quentin!
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Our son will make his way on the WHEELS OF A DREAM. Just
like this car. This Ford Model T car. Which also has
WHEELS. See, Sarah? It's a "parallel".
SARAH BROWNEYES
Just because I'm not Audra McDonald doesn't mean I'm
developmentally challenged.
IRISH ASSHOLE
(finally, a BAD GUY!)
Hey Quentin, I made a doody all over your car.
SARAH BROWNEYES
Well that shouldn't be a problem, your doody would fall right
through the empty frame--
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
THAT'S IT! Until I have solved the #1 priority that
IS MY CAR, I can't marry you Sarah.
SARAH BROWNEYES
How men will be men!
SCENE: SARAH GOES TO TELL A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ABOUT HER
DARKNESS AND PAIN, THE ANGER AND PAIN, THE BLOOD AND THE
PAIN...
SARAH BROWNEYES
Presidential candidate! I need advice! My baby-daddy won't
take responsibility for anything he does in life.
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
How come?
SARAH BROWNEYES
His logic goes: if he can't find justice for the damage of
his new car, he doesn't want to be married.
You know until I just said that out loud I never realized
how terrible it sounds. Just shoot me now!
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
Have it your way.
He DOES.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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NOW I AM ANGRY AND REVENGE-HUNGRY! Watch me go from being
NICE GUY to being GUY WHO SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!
AN OVER THE TOP LONG THROATY
(GOSPEL) BALLAD, COMPLETE WITH
SHRILL HIGH-NOTE NUTZINESS,
AND WE'RE IN...
SCENE: ACT 2.
Entr'acte plays, and white people in
audience clap to prove once again that
they have no rhythm.
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
Hey look, it's Houdini doing magic! Remember? From History?
HARRY HOUDINI
Sorry kid, not anymore. In any production of this show
again. Ever.
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
But... Warn... the Duke..
HARRY HOUDINI
Yeah I get it, it's World War I, why is that relevant?
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
But... what about "something terrible is going to happen"?
What about "people are going to die"?
HARRY HOUDINI
We know, we know, you have that thing people have
sometimes... what's it called... Lazy Foreshadowing?
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
E.S.P.
HARRY HOUDINI
Same difference.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
(to Ron Bohmer)
Father, your son feels depressed about how Houdini basically
walks around like a moron doing nothing the whole show.
If you were a better father and knew your son at all, you'd
know how to handle him.
RON BOHMER
Oh yeah?
(hands little boy a baseball
glove)
Little boy, do you like Charm Songs?
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
Do I!
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Oh, husband, maybe I've been too hard on you! You're not so
awf--
RON BOHMER
Oh, they don't let ni***rs play baseball yet do they?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Scratch that.
SCENE: COALHOUSE IS KILLING TONS OF PEOPLE.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
My car got ruined, which prompted my fiancee to ask the
president for help, which led her to get gunned down by
security guards! This ridiculous sequence of melodramatic
events has made me ANGRY and REVENGE-HUNGRY!
He goes on a shooting rampage.
RON BOHMER
I must save my family! If only there were a safe haven.
EVELYN NESBIT
Atlantic City is a safe haven.
RON BOHMER
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Wait, the New Jersey one? Why?
EVELYN NESBIT
Because you should enjoy it now before it becomes plagued
with poverty, crime, and disease.
RON BOHMER
Oh right that hasn't happened yet.
SCENE: ATLANTIC CITY.
Everyone sings about Atlantic City for
a full five minutes and thirty four
seconds.
ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS
FACIAL HAIR
CUT!
Seriously, CUT the song. That's even worse than "Gliding".
(smiles to audience)
Hey remember me! From the first act? I'm suddenly famous
and rich now! I can afford a Mach 3 Razor!
(shaving happily)
When you put a battery in this one it buzzes!
HARRY HOUDINI
Did anybody want to hear me ramble on about my Mom dying
again as a replacement for Me Not Doing Magic? No? Oh.
(pouts)
Enter a marching band dressed in the
worst color of red you can come up
with.
RON BOHMER
They're playing Ragtime music. Why, that conveniently
reminds me that I should go to New York to help deal with a
neglected plotline.
He does, because things there are BAD.
They're so bad, in fact, that it causes
Atlantic City to get crappy
stormcloudsy weather, which ruins
*everybody's* vacation.
Thanks a lot, Quentin.
ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS
FACIAL HAIR
You know, anyone can get lucky in America!
That is, if you have the improbable ability to invent
FLIPBOOKS, MOVIES, and FILM PROJECTORS back in the early
1900s, and the fortune to have that VERY INTERESTING SEGMENT
OF YOUR LIFE skipped over entirely so you don't have to worry
about plausibility.
Then, you can be like ME, owner of my own film company which
I named "EXCESSIVE EXPOSITION SONG, INC."
How the life of an immigrant always ends so rosy!!!!!
Evelyn Nesbit and Harry Houdini wander
around aimlessly a little more, while a
band mimes playing instruments, and NO
PLOT HAPPENS.
GIRL FROM "13"
Father, this movie you're making looks terrible.
(indicating Christiane Noll)
Does this mean that we'll be poor unless you find a way to
marry that shiksa?
ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS
FACIAL HAIR
SO HELP YOU GOD I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO A JASON ROBERT BROWN
MUSICAL.
(coughs)
I mean, "I will buy you wind and ocean for the rest of your
life". Ha ha. Children. Now go along, run around with the
weird white fey kid.
CHRISTIANE NOLL
(facing audience)
Look at how our children play in the sand!
ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS
FACIAL HAIR
That's very nuanced of you but, um, that's not the ocean.
The ocean is behind us. We had this same problem with the
last produc--
CHRISTIANE NOLL
TOWARD THE FUTURE! FROM THE... uh... PAST!
ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS
FACIAL HAIR
Can I open my heart to you, with a hope that maybe your
husband will one day die on a submarine that I definitely
didn't have a hand in the torpedo-ing of?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
Sure. For some reason I'm suddenly into you. Of course,
when your husband's an asshole, every option looks better
than the one you're in.
Do I get to speak-sing the beginning verse of an open-throat
ballad yet?
ROBERT PETKOFF WITH LESS
FACIAL HAIR
I was thinking we could just see more of what happens to
Quentin. Frankly that's the only part I really care about
right now.
FINALLY:
SCENE: QUENTIN IS THREATENING TO BLOW UP A LIBRARY.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Hello audience. I think maybe you've forgotten what's
motivating my ANGER, and my HUNGER FOR REVENGE.
AUDIENCE
Um. They killed your woman.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
(plugging fingers in ears)
Lalalalalalala.
Hey Sarah, why don't you come out here and we can act out a
little flashback, in case they forgot.
SARAH BROWNEYES
Tee-hee, only if we DON'T change the lighting to "flashback
mode", so people are as confused as possible!
BOBBY STEGGERT
(entering)
QUENTIN. I'm here to help you, because by wandering
aimlessly in and out of scenes that could've happened without
me, I've grown as a person. Which means I can help you
explode things!
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
You sure have grown as a person! Why, your speaking isn't
John Gallagher Jr. like at all!
BOBBY STEGGERT
See? I had a reason for talking weird. I was giving my
character DEPTH.
RON BOHMER
(entering)
And I'm sure there would have been absolutely NO other way
for you to portray that than by fooling us into thinking you
came straight from community theater!
BOBBY STEGGERT
(to Ron Bohmer)
YOU ARE A DESPICABLE MAN AND YOU MAKE ME SICK.
RON BOHMER
Would a despicable man bring by the Al Sharpton of his time?
Ooh, that didn't come out right at all.
Enter Booker T. Washington on Atkins.
THE THINNEST BOOKER T.
WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN
I am here because I think I can talk some sense int--
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Wow Mr. Washington, you've slimmed up! How did you do that?
THE THINNEST BOOKER T.
WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN
A healthy diet of open beams and tiers. But I'm not fully
fat-free, I still let myself bulk up on a good dozen costumes
per chorusmember!
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Again, I think you've maybe misunderstood my question.
THE THINNEST BOOKER T.
WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN
Quentin you have to give this all up. Don't you realize that
your son isn't being taken care of by your woman anymore?
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Son? OH RIGHT I HAVE A SON SHIT.
THE THINNEST BOOKER T.
WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN
It's my job to convince you to sing a final open-throated
teary song about universal truths, then to go outside and let
yourself get shot at many times. For your son's sake.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
You're right.
He steps outside.
QUENTIN EARL DARRINGTON
Hey wait a minute how is this supposed to help my
(dies)
SCENE: EPILOGUE.
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
The era of Ragtime had run out.
What? What the Fuck does that mean?
BOBBY STEGGERT
Mother's Younger Brother went down South to join a Mexican
revolution, which was chronicled in RAGTIME TWO: RAG HARDER.
EMMA GOLDMAN
The signs of the coming Tony Awards were everywhere, and the
2010 award for Best Revival of a Musical was awarded to
Bye Bye Birdie.
Ha! Oh man, could you even imagine?
THE THINNEST BOOKER T.
WASHINGTON YOU'VE EVER SEEN
When the Ragtime revival closed, the guy playing Booker T.
Washington got another job at...
(quickly)
...The Lion King! OH GOD I SAID IT!
(runs away in fear)
RON BOHMER
Father died, so they wouldn't have to divorce or cheat on
each other or anything immoral. Isn't that great?
CHRISTIANE NOLL
The Ford Theater, Ragtime's original home, continued to host
countless flops. After Spiderman The Musical opened in 2013
for a week of previews before the building mysteriously
caught fire and burned down for inconclusive reasons, copious
amounts of insurance money was used to replace it with two
sensible-sized theaters, THE LYRIC and THE APOLLO.
ROBERT PETKOFF
One day, the immigrant filmmaker was sitting on the porch
with his Shiksa Wife, watching his Hallmark Branded Melting
Pot Children play together and he created The Little Rascals.
No! Don't go look that up in Wikipedia to make sure that's
right! Wikipedia is always wrong.
LITTLE BOY WHOSE NAME IS NOT
"EDGAR" IN THE BOOK
AMERICA. Where people of Color and Paleness can join
together to see a Great American Musical together.
And walk out after the Curtain Call, hand in hand, to see the
LIGHT OF AMERICAN DREAMS.
Lights that come together to spell out AMERICAN DREAM WORDS,
words like "Gypsy", and "Les Mis", and "La Cage", and "Parade".
And probably "The Producers", and "Hairspray", and "Legally
Blonde", and "The Color Purple".
ECONOMY-WHIPPED PRODUCERS
That's right bitches. The "How Soon Is Too Soon To Revive A
Show" limit has been lifted! FOREVER!
Now where'd I put my checkbook.
BLACKOUT.
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