SOUTH PACIFIC ABRIDGED
OR
THE MOST HAPPY WAR!
By Gil Varod and Megan Avery
SCENE: OVERTURE.
The stage pulls back in order to reveal
a glorious 734 piece orchestra.
LINCOLN CENTER PRODUCERS
And we got it for the price of what unions usually charge for
a 4-piece band! Go fuck yourself, for-profit producers.
YOU KNOW THE TYPE
Is that a *full overture* I hear?
Well well! I suppose theatre *isn't* dead!
God am I pretentious.
A curtain with text tries to Prologue
us.
CURTAIN
(pissy because it's too dimly
lit to be read)
I wish I could tell you about South Pacific. The way it
actually was. The endless ocean. The infinite specks of
coral we called "islands", because we were slap-happy from
booze.
But whenever I try to talk about South Pacific, people
intervene. Because they say that people in wars don't sing
and dance and slap each other's--
(curtain rises)
Wait! Wait where are you taking me!
SCENE: THE SOUTH PACIFIC.
Enter two adorable children who walk
around the stage and mime uncomfortably
to each other while they stall for time
until it gets to the beginning of the
song.
ADORABLY CUTE CHILDREN
(finally on measure)
ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN
Wait! This musical's supposed to be IMPORTANT!
RICHARD RODGERS
I know, let's make them foreign or something!
OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN
What nationality?
RICHARD RODGERS
Brown!
ADORABLY CUTE HALF
MELANISIAN CHILDREN
UN DEUX TROIS QUATRE CING SIX SEPT HUIT NEUF DIX!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN
OH HOW THIS IS EXCELLENT!
Enter Kelli O'Hara.
KELLI O'HARA
I just met you, mysterious Frenchman, but I love you already!
RICHARD RODGERS
YES OH SO RELEVANT!
Enter an Opera Singer who uses "I'm an
opera singer acting like an opera
singer" as his excuse for not really
acting much.
PAOLO SZOT
(hiding children vigorously)
Yes, I love you too Kelli O'Hara.
We should sing a few songs to solidify our relationship of
fourteen days, when you told me how you were from Small Rock.
KELLI O'HARA
Little Rock.
PAOLO SZOT
And that you were a penis-eyed optimist.
KELLI O'HARA
Cock... whatever.
PAOLO SZOT
(soliloquying)
THIS IS WHAT I NEED
SOMEONE YOUNG AND SMILING
AND BLONDE
ALWAYS A BLONDE.
They drink tea, and nothing happens.
KELLI O'HARA
So... small talk...
(awkwardly)
How long did it take you to build up this very large and
extravagant plantation?
PAOLO SZOT
Forty Polynesian lives.
KELLI O'HARA
Uh. Are they Polynesian though? Because I'm--
PAOLO SZOT
(singing)
SOME ENCHANTED EVENING!
KELLI O'HARA
Ah yes I know that song. Good good.
She spreads her arms all over her own
shoulders and then mimes choking
herself, because the Choreography
budget went to Wigs.
KELLI O'HARA
I'm from the American South, y'all!
PAOLO SZOT
AND I KILLED A MAN!
KELLI O'HARA
Oh isn't that nice.
PAOLO SZOT
I KILLED A MAN! ME!
KELLI O'HARA
You've been so sweet to me these past three songs, so I'm
sure you had a good reason.
PAOLO SZOT
HE WAS A WICKED MAN...
(smiling)
Hey we should have children!
KELLI O'HARA
This scene's really long. You wanna go see some gay sailors
dance?
SCENE: THE ANSWER IS "YES".
DON'T ASK
I make grass skirts!
DON'T TELL
I'ma gonna slap yer butt!
(slaps butt)
DANNY BURSTEIN
So, Bloody Mary, I understand the economy of this island is
entirely dependent on the United States Naval demand for
quality island-crafted jewelry, garments and cultural
memorabilia.
BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE
GLASS SKILTS! BOALS TOOTH BLACERET! SHLUNKEN HEADS!
YOU WRRRRIIIIIIKKEE?
DANNY BURSTEIN
It's nice to be in an important musical.
Gay sailors sing and dance
and pull down each other's pants.
DON'T ASK
I, ahem, "sure wish there were women around".
The entire female cast jogs by.
DON'T TELL
I, um, "me too".
DANNY BURSTEIN
(singing)
THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME
LEFTY'S NOT THE SAME
I REALLY WANT TO GO TO THE ISLAND
WHERE THEY HAVE ORGIES
BUT ONLY THE OFFICERS CAN GO, DAMN IT.
(to rest of Navy)
Everybody, walk around freely to the rhythm with me!
They do, because the Choreography
budget went to a big plane and two
grass skirts.
DANNY BURSTEIN
Funny, you'd think if we wanted women so much that we CAN'T
STAND IT, we would DANCE about it in a musical.
Enter Matthew Morrison.
DON'T ASK
(clapping hands)
SQUEEEEEE!
DON'T TELL
(jumping up and down)
IT'S THE GUY FROM GLEE!
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Look at how cool I am. I have a CIGARETTE and a leather
jacket. Like James Dean. I'm cooler than all of this. Like
James Dean.
He walks to one side of stage, changes
his mind, walks to other side of stage,
changes his mind, and walks to the
first side of stage.
DANNY BURSTEIN
So what's your story?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
No, I think that was it.
DANNY BURSTEIN
Say, you should go to Bali Ha'i, where all the women and
grass skirts come from. Only Lieutenants can go to Bali Hai!
I want to go to Bali Hai! You're a Lieutenant!
(to audience)
Got that? That's the B plot. All of it.
BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE
(to Glee dude)
Yes, let me sing a song convincing you to go there, even
though you will then be able to purchase at wholesale the
items I sell for much more. YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Whatever. Hey, did I mention that I went to a little college
in Jersey.
DANNY BURSTEIN
Where, Rutgers?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
(clearing throat)
A LITTLE COLLEGE IN JERSEY.
DANNY BURSTEIN
Seton Hall?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
No.
(dramatic pause:)
Princeton.
DANNY BURSTEIN
Tool.
GUY FROM GLEE SINGS "BALI HA'I"
REPRISE AGAIN, JUST TO SOLIDIFY
HOW DISINTERESTED HE WAS, AND
THEN:
SCENE: GLEE GUY MEETS WITH HEAD OF THE ENTIRE NAVY EVER.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
Sorry for the wait, I had to get my team of ragtag skirt
makers to the mess hall for teatime manner lessons.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
I'm going to draw with a stick on this wooden stage. Imagine
what the drawing would have been if this stick was a Sharpee.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
Yes, of course.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
All of these islands are generically in danger. What you
need to know is that only Paolo Szot can help me make the bad
bad danger go away.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
Who?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
The guy from the first scene. Remember? A half an hour ago?
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
Oh Paolo Szot.
BUT PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN!
THE GUY FROM GLEE
PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN?
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN!
Enter Kelli O'Hara.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
Kelli, did you know that PAOLO SZOT KILLED A MAN?
KELLI O'HARA
KILLED WHO?
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
A MAN! Also, what are you doing here?
KELLI O'HARA
I'm in The Navy.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
Really? I didn't catch that.
Well allow me to introduce you to That Guy From Glee.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Oh, we've met before.
KELLI O'HARA
Yes, back during his Italian Accent Phase, he kissed me when
I was mentally retarded.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Did I mention I'm from a small University in New Jer--
KELLI O'HARA
That joke's been around since the 40s? Sad.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Forget you. You only fall in love with guys with foreign
guys anyway. And Harry Connick, Jr.
KELLI O'HARA
I don't have time for this. I need to go take a shower while
the rest of the cast cheers me on for doing so.
GRATUITOUS MALE NUDITY-FILLED
TRANSITION TO:
SCENE: REMEMBER WHAT "BIKINIS" LOOKED LIKE IN THE 40'S?
ALSO, EVERYONE WEARING BIKINIS IN THE SHOWER IN THE 40'S?
KELLI O'HARA
We spent too much time on the love plot, and then not enough
on it. So now's about the time in a Rodgers and Hammerstein
musical where I decide that I DON'T NEED LOVE!
PERSONALITY-LESS RODGERS AND
HAMMERSTEIN FEMALE CHORUS
Yes, we have lots of opinions on other people's lovelives!
Also, cleanliness rituals.
(chanting)
SHAMPOO, KELLI, SHAMPOO!
Poor Kelli O'Hara is onstage in a 2
piece, and sings while soaking wet.
But, at least it's not Dracula all over
again.
FRANK WILDHORN
(should be shot)
PAOLO SZOT
(entering)
Kelli? I am here unannounced! At the place where all the
women shower! Just in case I was not, how you say, sketched
enough?
KELLI O'HARA
Paolo, what are you doing here? I just shampoo'd my hair in
a physical representation of my breaking up with you.
PAOLO SZOT
???
KELLI O'HARA
Usually women get haircuts.
PAOLO SZOT
I don't understand your American culture. But what I do
understand is FREEDOM.
KELLI O'HARA
You do?!?!? Oh, then I *do* love you!
PAOLO SZOT
Of course I do. Freedom is WHY I KILLED A MAN!
KELLI O'HARA
Right. This again.
PAOLO SZOT
This MAN, everybody disliked him and he took over our town...
it was all very vague, you see.
I wanted everybody to stand up to him, but they walked away.
Because he was STANDING BEHIND ME.
KELLI O'HARA
Literally? That sounds ridiculous. Can we maybe reenact this
or something?
PAOLO SZOT
And he said to me, "I am going to kill you now."
And I said, "No, I am going to kill you instead."
And he said, "No you're not."
And I said, "I so am".
And he said "Over my dead body'.
And I said, "That's the idea", which I thought was very
clever.
KELLI O'HARA
Hooray!
PAOLO SZOT
And that is how I stole a man's very life force.
Hey, is this a good segue into asking you to marry me?
This REALLY HAPPENS.
KELLI O'HARA
Let's sing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING again!
PAOLO SZOT
All right, but after that I'm going to immediately leave so
you can have a solo song.
He does.
Enter mindless idiotic R&H women.
KELLI O'HARA
(cartwheeling)
Oh girls, you'd never guess--I'm in one of the worst Rodgers
and Hammerstein love storylines EVER!
Dance with me!
They don't, because the Choreography
budget went to a total of TWO SETS and
a couple of bottles of Head &
Shoulders.
KELLI O'HARA
(surprisingly not annoying
audience)
I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE
I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE
I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE
I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE
AUDIENCE
(surprisingly not annoyed)
Aww. I want to take you home.
PERSONALITY-LESS RODGERS AND
HAMMERSTEIN FEMALE CHORUS
Oh, to be a girl in a R&H musical, to do nothing but sing
about how someone else is in and out and in and out of love.
SCENE: PAOLO SZOT IS ASKED IF HE'LL HELP WITH SOME VAGUE WAR
RELATED THING.
PAOLO SZOT
Why would I help you Westerners? I had to leave my country
when I was twenty-two...
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Here it comes.
PAOLO SZOT
...BECAUSE I KILLED A MAN!
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Like clockwork.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
I can understand why he doesn't want to go on a dangerous
mission. He *does* have kids.
PAOLO SZOT
No, it is solely because I love Kelli O'Hara.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
But--
PAOLO SZOT
(singing)
SOME ENCHANTED EVENING.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
That doesn't even make sense in this scene.
SCENE: THE FIRST OF *TWO* PARTY SCENES IN A SINGLE RODGERS
AND HAMMERSTEIN MUSICAL. HOW THEIR WRITING HAD MATURED SINCE
OKLAHOMA!
KELLI O'HARA
(wasted)
That was a great party, Paolo.
PAOLO SZOT
(being sketchy/foreign)
Have some more champagne.
KELLI O'HARA
You know what's... totes awesome....?
That we, like, both get excited about exciting things!
Like being in love! With love!
We have so much in common, and so strong a foundation to
build a solid marriage on!
An actual reprise of "I'm In Love".
Then an actual reprise of "This Is What
I Need".
Then an actual reprise of "Wash That
Man".
RICHARD RODGERS
I CAN'T STOP I'M IN A REPRISING FRENZY!
PAOLO SZOT
If you are drunk enough, I now have a surprise for you.
Enter those brown kids.
ADORABLY CUTE HALF
MELANISIAN CHILDREN
(singing)
NOUS POUVONS CHANTER
LA MEME DAMN SONG
DE SCENE ONE!
KELLI O'HARA
You have two children?
PAOLO SZOT
Yes.
KELLI O'HARA
Where is their mother?
PAOLO SZOT
Dead.
KELLI O'HARA
Did you kill her too? For being NOT WHITE?
PAOLO SZOT
No, I killed A MAN. Were you not paying attention?
KELLI O'HARA
Do you know that your kids have black eyes? As in they are
NOT WHITE? COME ON PAOLO, YOU'RE FRENCH, ISN'T THAT FOREIGN
ENOUGH?
PAOLO SZOT
Wait. So you are not mad at me at all for lying to you, by
not telling you I had two children before we got engaged to
be married?
KELLI O'HARA
BROWN KIDS, PAOLO! BROWN KIDS!
PAOLO SZOT
I never would have expected this from a young woman who grew
up in the American South in the 1930s!
KELLI O'HARA
(stumbling out of plantation)
If you will excuse me, I must get away from you and your not
white children. As quickly as possible. And the only way to
do so is to drive home drunk.
PAOLO SZOT
I'm really glad these brown kids don't understand English.
(pause, sings)
SOME ENCHANTED EVENING--
SCENE: MATTHEW MORRISON'S CHARACTER HAS NOTHING TO DO.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Yawn.
BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE
(peering in through blinds)
I know what moves prot arong. Why not you have sex with my
daughtel? YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Okay, as long as I get to TAKE MY SHIRT OFF! And FLEX!
He sings a song.
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
(PG-kissing only)
Look, you're singing an "a cappella" song with musical
accompaniment, just like on Glee!
BLACKOUT!
LIGHTS BACK ON!
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
What was that?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
I think we just had sex.
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
In a 1940s musical?
BLACKOUT!
LIGHTS BACK ON!
THE GUY FROM GLEE
We did it again!
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON QUICK OR ELSE--
BLACKOUT!
LIGHTS BACK ON!
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
Dammit!
BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE
(still peering in through the
blinds)
It's my daughter, so I like to watch.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
WHAT THE FUCK?
SCENE: PARTY SCENE NUMBER 2.
Danny Burstein comes out in coconut
shells and a grass skirt.
DANNY BURSTEIN
SEE? THIS IS NOT OKLAHOMA!
Whatever.
PAOLO SZOT
Danny Burstein, will you give Kelli O'Hara these flowers?
DANNY BURSTEIN
We're trying to do the show, please don't upset her.
PAOLO SZOT
But--
DANNY BURSTEIN
No really Act 1 was longer than Jesus Christ Superstar.
Please don't.
Enter Kelli O'Hara.
KELLI O'HARA
I'm still not marrying you, Paolo. Just making that clear.
Exit Kelli O' Hara.
PAOLO SZOT
(singing)
SOME ENCHANTED EVEN--
Matthew Morrison runs in distraught for
absolutely no reason.
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
Oh, Guy From Glee!
They kiss over and over again, but
Bloody Merry keeps interrupting them.
Then she sings a song that makes you
want to shove your eyes into an
electric spice grinder.
BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TALK
HAPPY TALK
HAPPY TALK
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TALK
EVERYBODY DIE
BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER
I'm going to randomly do Tai Chi now!
She does, because the Choreography
budget was spent on...
Well...
Tai Chi lessons.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
BUT I HATE TAI CHI!
He runs away, and bumps into Kelli
O'Hara.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Oh, I'm in love with that girl who doesn't speak English who
I keep rejecting!
KELLI O'HARA
But don't you already have a fiancee back at home?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
She didn't put out. The foreign girl did. Hence the
blackouts.
KELLI O'HARA
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE!
THE GUY FROM GLEE
No, Kelli O' Hara, the extremely relevant and timely lessons
of this musical are to follow your heart and to not be
racist.
KELLI O'HARA
(runs off to go stereotype)
Say it again, Bloody!
BLOODY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE
YOU WRRRRRIIIIKKKEEEE?
THE GUY FROM GLEE
We are trying to make this musical important, Kelli! ARGH!
PAOLO SZOT
Hey Glee Guy, you and I should make this musical important
and relevant by going on a suicidal mission.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
But I thought--
PAOLO SZOT
Since perky blonde nurse will not marry me, I now have
nothing of value to lose, not even my two brown plot devices.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Children?
PAOLO SZOT
Yes please.
THE GUY FROM GLEE
Then let's go. You are sad about Kelli, and my character
makes no sense.
SCENE: WAR ROOM.
We get to watch the battle from the
most exciting place to experience it--
IN A DARK ROOM WITH A RADIO!
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
God dammit, this is 2009 and we have TECHNOLOGY now. Can't
we do SOMETHING more?
DANNY BURSTEIN
No.
GOOFY FAT HEAD OF NAVY
You! I'm angry at you because you parachuted out of a plane
and were a diversion against the Japanese and are the reason
we'll win World War 2 or something?
PAOLO SZOT
(over Radio)
Hello, you're listening to "Joe and The Frenchman" on KRNH,
RACIST RADIO. Normally we'd have a little performance from
The Guy From Glee right about now, but he just died, because
it works best plot-wise if someone has a quiet offstage
death.
...
...
Can I sing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING again yet?
SCENE: BLOODY MERRY'S DAUGHTER WON'T MARRY ANYBODY BUT THAT
GUY FROM GLEE.
Yeah... that's a lot of people.
SCENE: PAOLO SZOT IS FIGHTING IN WORLD WAR 2 NOW.
KELLI O'HARA
Wait did the entire Navy just ditch me?
The Navy sings a reprise of a song
about swiveling hips as they go off to
war.
KELLI O'HARA
I guess that means I get to stay here in Paolo's household.
ADORABLY CUTE HALF
MELANISIAN CHILDREN
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
KELLI O'HARA
Ugh. What the *hell* are you kids singing anyway?
Enter Paolo Szot.
PAOLO SZOT
KELLI!
KELLI O'HARA
Oh Paolo, I knew you'd be back!
PAOLO SZOT
What are you doing on my luxurious island plantation!?!
KELLI O'HARA
I love you!
PAOLO SZOT
When last we met, I was off to war because you'd broken my
heart!
KELLI O'HARA
Since then I changed my mind yet again! But because you were
already at war, I figured I'd just stay here until/if you
came back.
PAOLO SZOT
We're not even married.
KELLI O'HARA
We--
PAOLO SZOT
Heck as far as I was aware of, we weren't even dating
anymore. Then I go off to war where I could have *died*, to
come back to find the woman who broke my heart lording over
my land, servants, and THE KIDS THAT YOU HATE?
KELLI O'HARA
...I think you're just a little stressed from the war. What
do you say you watch me shampoo my hair again, and then you
can sing Some Enchant--
Paolo Szot pulls out his Navy-issued
gun and shoots Kelli O'Hara in cold
blood.
PAOLO SZOT
Racist bitch.
BLACKOUT.
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