WICKED:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
and Rebecca Joseph
SCENE: MUNCHKINLAND
The show starts with a dissonant song
as people jump around in what is
apparently "choreography".
The scenery is set with a concoction of
gears and cogs.
SET DESIGNER EUGENE LEE
Hey, can somebody get me a draft of the script? I never
bothered figuring out what these gears and stuff have to do
with Oz.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH lowers onto stage
in... well, it's a bubble wand. Like
the kind you'd dip into a jar of
bubbles to blow bubbles out of. She
unstraps herself out of the bubble wand
before she steps out.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Hi, I'm either Galinda or Glinda, who the heck knows! I'm
beautiful, blond, and white! Even though I'm the secondary
character of the show, I was both written and directed to
steal away the thunder from main-character Idina Menzel every
chance I get! I sure hope this doesn't make the main
character utterly un-interesting by comparison. In the
meanwhile, I'll do everything including winking at the
audience so that you love me!
NORMAL-HEIGHTED PEOPLE
We're Munchkins, and we dress in rags. Hopefully, our crappy
costuming will help to greaten the nobility of the Wonderful
World of Oz.
SIX-FOOT TALL MUNCHKIN
Tell me Kristen Chenoweth, what ever happened to the Wicked
Witch of the West?
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Well, the Wicked Witch of the West was born a bastard...
SCENE: FLASHBACK.
WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER
I like to sleep with various travelling salesmen. Traveling
salesmen being a profession that obviously exists in this
magical fantasy land we're trying to create!
She DOES.
There is a random green bottle on the
side of the stage.
BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
Make sure to notice the green bottle, that's going to somehow
be very important in the last five minutes of the play!
Midwife sneaks onto stage with a
plastic green baby behind her back.
WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER
I'm pregnant, and it's going to come out!
The chorus member pulls the plastic
baby out from behind her back,
pretending as if she'd just yanked it
out of WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER's crotch.
WICKED WITCH'S FATHER
It's hideous!
WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER
It's grotesque!
MIDWIFE
Nah, it's just a leftover prop from "Batboy".
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
And so, Idina Menzel grew up, and went away to school.
SCENE: A HORRIBLE RIP-OFF OF "HOGWART'S SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY"
The father drops off IDINA MENZEL and
BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER.
IDINA MENZEL
Hi, I'm Idina Menzel, the wicked witch, and my character is
going to be an utterly uninteresting loser for the rest of
Act One.
It's a good thing I have a hell a voice because some of the songs
I'll be singing for you sound like they came out of Stephen
Schwartz's ass while he had the runs.
BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
I'm Idina's sister, and the only quality my character has is
a wheelchair.
WICKED WITCH'S FATHER
And I'm the asshole that raised two wicked witches! Yaaaahh!
WICKED WITCH'S FATHER exits, never to
appear in story again.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Idina Menzel, because you are green, I and all of the other
characters in this musical shall oppress you!
IDINA MENZEL
(To audience)
Oh, how oppressive a life it is being not white!
She winks, and then pulls out a
timeline of American history since the
Civil War to drill the paper-thin
parallel into our head.
SCHOOLMISTRESS
Idina, you are so gifted. I am going to take you under my
wing so you can learn magic and the like. Then, we will go
see the wizard. You get this honor because you have a
collection of amazing magical powers, the details of which we
won't really bother explaining very well during the course of
the storyline unless it is immediately convenient at the
time.
IDINA MENZEL
Meet the Wizard? That is my dream!
Delivered staring straight out at the
audience from the middle of the stage,
she sings "The Wizard and I", about how
she would love to meet the Wizard.
Like the rest of the score, it has none
of the catchiness of any of the rest of
Stephen Schwartz's repertoire. Or any
of the songs in the original 1939
movie, for that matter.
IDINA MENZEL
(still singing)
WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME THEY WILL SCREAM,
FOR HALF OF OZ'S FAVORITE TEAM...
ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR
Crap, they can hear the oversimplified lyrics! Play louder, play
louder!
They do, but she continues to sing
overly-miked:
SEATTLE
Hey, Idina, great singing!
The song ends, thankfully bringing us
from the awful score back to the awful
script.
SCHOOLMISTRESS
(to Idina)
But Idina, until you go to meet the wizard, you must live
with Kristen. Due of her faux-racist hatred for you,
hilarious hijinks must ensue from this!
They DON'T.
SCENE: HOGWART'S CLASSROOM
GOAT PROFESSOR
I am a goat.
(Funny goat sound)
I am not a majestic made-up part-animal part-human creature,
like the kinds you might find in "The Lion, The Witch and The
Wardrobe" or "Total Recall".
(Goat sound, a little less
funny)
I am simply a goat. But I talk.
(Goat sound, by now very
annoying.)
And although I only appear for about three, four minutes
tops, I will become the central conflict of the plot.
IDINA MENZEL
You're so cute and furry! How could you be a central part of
the plot?
GOAT PROFESSOR
Well you see, The Wizard of Oz is trying to get all animals
to stop talking. Just because we animals are the minority!
IDINA MENZEL
(To audience)
Oh wow Goat Professor, how oppressive a life it is being born
as something other than the norm!
(She winks, then pulls out a
timeline of all events leading
up to world war two.)
See?
AUDIENCE
Yeah, we get it.
BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
(interrupting)
No, I don't think you do. See? There's a parallel to the
Haloc--
AUDIENCE
We g--
BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
Japanese Internment camps too!
AUDIENCE
WE GET IT, ALLRIGHT? STOP THAT! It's cheapening real
history.
BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
(grinning widely)
No, it's not cheapening history, it's forcing you to look at
it from another angle!
AUDIENCE
No, it's cheapening it because minorities that have
experienced such things can't even relate to your miswritten
goat character.
BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
But... but... the parallels are so clever...
Winnie Holzman goes into a corner and
cries, clutching to weather-worn copies
of the episodes of "My So Called Life"
that she wrote.
Enter NORBERT LEO BUTZ.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
I am the horribly-underwritten male romantic lead of this
play, and I adore you Kristen because you are so beautiful!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
And I adore you, Norbert...
(she begins laughing
hysterically)
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
What's so funny?
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Your name is Norbert! Ha ha ha ha ha...
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Yeah, I do have a pretty funny name!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Where was I... I adore, you as you adore me! You, like I,
are popular and physically attractive! We should be
together!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
We should, but I also adore Idina Menzel!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
You adore Idina? Why?
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Uh...
(shouts offstage)
Hey, Joe Mantello, why do I adore Idina?
Silence.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Uh... Joe?
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
(startled)
Oh! I'm sorry, uh...
(More silence. Then
admittingly:)
Actually, I haven't really been paying attention to the
rehearsal process at all. I've been spending the entire time
imagining more ideas for any other play that I could stage,
also with baseball players showering nude onstage. Now where
was I... right. Lather... rinse.. repeat...
He drifts off, hopefully sticking to
directing plays from now on.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Crap... Idina, why do I adore you?
IDINA MENZEL
I don't know... Oh well.
(obviously not in love)
We're in love!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(also, without a doubt, not in
love)
Yes, we're in love! Huzzah!
They kiss, or something. Either way,
it's really not very convincing.
IDINA MENZEL AND
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(singing)
DEEP WITHIN MY HEART,
AND NEVER BE APART,
SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE,
LIKE A HAND FITS A GLOVE...
AUDIENCE
(cringing with fear)
No! Please Stephen Schwartz, not another cliche rhyme!
STEPHEN SCHWARTZ
Don't blame me. I actually don't bother writing lyrics
anymore. I bought a nifty computer program that writes them
for me. This gives me more time to sign my royalty checks
for regional Pippin productions!
Idina and Norbert keep singing faux
lovingly to each other.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Oh no, what will I do?
BOQ, THE TALLER-THAN-KRISTEN
CHENOWETH MUNCHKIN.
Kristen, you're so beautiful. How about *I* marry you. Our
kids will be seven feet tall.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Go suck an egg.
BOQ, THE TALLER-THAN-KRISTEN
CHENOWETH MUNCHKIN.
I shall continue to chase after you. In the meanwhile, I
will tend to Idina Menzel's wheelchair sister.
SCENE: DORM ROOM.
IDINA MENZEL
Kristen Chenoweth, I get to go to see the Wizard of Oz in the
Emerald City! And you get to come with me!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
To show my gratitude, I'll offer you this pointy black hat,
which is just like the one Original Wicked Witch Margaret
Hamilton wore in the movie!
IDINA MENZEL
What a great idea! How about throughout the play, you
continue to offer me things like a black cloak, or a black
cape, or a broom to make me look more and more like Margaret
Hamilton did! These attempts at humor will be painfully
predictable from a mile away!
AUDIENCE collectively groans.
SCENE: A CITY.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
This is the Emerald City?
IDINA MENZEL
That's sad. In the movie the Emerald City consisted of some
of the film's best visuals and songs. Now it looks like
Midtown Manhattan, but in green lighting.
A GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE A
CROSS BETWEEN A HOMELESS MAN
AND AN OOMPA LOOMPA
Wanna buy some Foakleys?
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
No thanks.
TICKET SCALPER
Want to buy a ticket?
IDINA MENZEL
Hey Idina, let's go see a show!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
What show? OZ-Mania?!?
IDINA MENZEL
Actually, I was just considering walking out of the Gershwin
Theatre and catching the rest of Avenue Q.
SCENE: PALACE OF THE WIZARD.
Giant glowing Wizard head pops out.
This is AWESOME.
Audience weeps, as they realize this is
going to be the only decent set piece
in the entire show.
GIANT TALKING HEAD
(menacingly)
Who goes there?
IDINA MENZEL
It is I, Idina Menzel.
GIANT TALKING HEAD
The gay chick from Rent?
Enter Joel Grey. He is ADORABLE.
JOEL GREY
Well why didn't you say so? It is I, Joel Grey! Once I
played Oscar-winning roles such as the Emcee in Cabaret, and
tony-winning roles such as the Emcee in Cabaret, and the
Emcee in one of the Cabaret revivals! But in this musical...
(he sighs)
I play the Wizard.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Why so sad, Joel Grey?
JOEL GREY
Because not only is my part sorely under-written, but I get
two of the worst songs in the entire show. And that's of a
score that's nowhere near any of the other work the composer
has done in the past 35 years. But I digress... I play the
Wizard of Oz!
SCHOOLMISTRESS
(entering)
And I work in the government with him!
IDINA MENZEL
Wait, I thought you were the head of the school. If you run
the government then how do you have the ti--
JOEL GREY
(cutting her off)
Shh. I want to make you my partner, Idina, because you are
so talented!
IDINA MENZEL
You know Joel, the audience is really taking a leap of faith
of hearing you and the Schoolmistress constantly call me
talented. Because aside from me accidentally making a
wheelchair move around very slowly in the beginning of Act
One, they really haven't even seen a single scene where I do
something talented, or where the Schoolmistress trains me or
anything. And we're already like an hour and a half into the
show.
JOEL GREY
Well, here's this book of spells, and I need you to cast this
spell on this monkey!
He brings out an actor who's resigned
himself to playing a monkey on
Broadway.
IDINA MENZEL
Why can't *you* cast the spell?
JOEL GREY
Because I can't read the language. In fact, nobody alive
can. But I'm sure that you can!
IDINA MENZEL
What makes you think this? Where would I have learned a dead
language from if nobody knows it?
JOEL GREY
Would you stop asking questions regarding the discernible
logic of a musical that obviously has none? Just say the
spell.
She does. Wings come out of the
monkey's back. The audience could SEE
THIS COMING. And not just because the
wings had already started coming out a
half a minute before Idina began the
spell.
The backdrop falls away, and we see a
dozen flying monkeys, LIVE and IN
PERSON! Oddly enough, this isn't very
exciting at all.
JOEL GREY
Ha ha ha ha ha! My plan worked! I now have flying monkey
spies!
IDINA MENZEL
Why couldn't you have just used birds instead of genetically
deforming primates?
JOEL GREY
I'm not sure. But it doesn't matter, because I now have my
spies!
IDINA MENZEL
To spy what?
JOEL GREY
I'm not sure.
IDINA MENZEL
So wait, you're evil?
JOEL GREY
Again, not sure. I kinda go back and forth. I'm less the
"nice guy who gets forced into making bad decisions" and more
of a "nice guy who sings songs that stop the plot entire".
I'm still pretty adorable, though!
Joel Grey sings a song. It's so cute!
JOEL GREY
So would you join me in my quest to do something vaguely
corrupt?
IDINA MENZEL
No, I won't! Not only will I not, but you have been making
puppets of the citizens of Oz for too long. And now, while I
get angry and switch from glasses to contact lenses, my
character will ACTUALLY BECOME SOMEWHAT INTERESTING!
Idina Menzel begins to fly!
Actually, she doesn't really fly.
She's standing on a platform that
ascends somewhat, and as she does she's
hit by huge spotlights from various
angles. The overtime for setting the
lights could buy a small nation.
Unfortunately, this "flying" moment
doesn't really have much meaning.
JOEL GREY
Guards, get her!
Chaos ensues. Above the stage, a giant
wooden dragon shakes left and right.
BOTH OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
WHO READ THE "WICKED" NOVEL
The dragon is moving! What an excellent representation of
the fantastic ideas conjured up from the original source
material!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO DIDN'T
READ THE BOOK
Uh... so, what's up with that dragon?
SCENE: HOUSE OF IDINA'S BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER.
IDINA MENZEL
Wheelchair Sister, I've been told that you've become a bitch
and enslaved the Munchkins.
BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
Yes, I did it because I'm angry that I'm in a wheelchair! Of
course, I've been in a wheelchair my whole life, so no reason
that I should begin lashing out at the world suddenly just
now.
IDINA MENZEL
Well I have this book of spells with me, why don't I try to
heal your walking?
She chants from the book, and it works.
IDINA MENZEL
Interesting how I don't now try to change my skin white...
BOQ, THE TALLER-THAN-KRISTEN
CHENOWETH MUNCHKIN.
Bitter Wheelchair Sister, you can now walk! Now I don't need
to take care of you anymore!
He begins to leave.
BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
Oh no you don't!
She begins chanting a spell from the
book to make his heart shrink.
BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
Even though I just did this on purpose, help Idina, his heart
is dying!
IDINA MENZEL
Allright, why don't I just recite a spell while I WHEEL HIM
BEHIND THIS CABINET...
She does. Filler while makeup artists
paint his face silver.
IDINA MENZEL
And voila, it turns out that he's the Tin Man!
AUDIENCE
We're not going to buy that, you know. The tin-man was
normal height.
Assuming we've taken the leap that Munchkins don't need to be
played by short people, the tin-man couldn't have been a
Munchkin.
BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
(ignoring audience)
Hey, look, we're starting to play off of the original Frank
L. Baum story! When we do that, the musical finally gets
some interesting moments!
The show basically does this over and
over for another hour. Eventually:
SCENE: THE EMERALD CITY
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Joel Grey, because you were evil, you must leave Oz and never
return.
JOEL GREY
Okay, let me just take my green bottle...
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Funny, Idina Menzel's mother had a green bottle in the first
scene of the play.
SCHOOLMISTRESS
Wait... she had a green bottle... which somehow or another
means that she was partially the product of you! This makes
sense why she had so many magical powers! She had a mother
of this world, and a father of the next!
JOEL GREY
... wait, she had magical powers because she was bred half
and half?
SCHOOLMISTRESS
Yes! Doesn't it all make sense now?
JOEL GREY
No.
SCHOOLMISTRESS
Of course I agr... wait Joel, that isn't your line. You're
supposed to say--
JOEL GREY
(Visibly pissed, but still
adorable)
No, I'm sorry, I won't stand for this. Kristen!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Uh...
(a little frightened)
Yeah Joel?
JOEL GREY
*How* do we know that she's my daughter?
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Well, because both of you had green bottles!
JOEL GREY
And if we were to find someone in the audience who also came
in with a green bottle, would that make them my son or
daughter too?
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
I suppose... hey wait, that doesn't make sense!
JOEL GREY
See? Idina was right! It *matters* that these incidents
follow no discernible logic! See, there's this little thing
that this guy named SHAKESPEARE used to do. If there was
something that was going to be a surprise at the end, he
would at least introduce it earlier in the play, sufficiently
enough so that last moment gives you a sort of "oh, why
couldn't *I* have figured that out myself?" type of feeling.
So for example, if at the end the surprise is that she's
powerful because she's a half-breed, then the idea that half
breeds are powerful is introduced earlier in!
(enraged)
Or if you don't explain that, you at least explain what the
green bottle is! What it's purpose is!
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
You're right!
JOEL GREY
Damn hell I'm right! I didn't go from playing the Emcee in
Cabaret to THIS!
Joel Grey walks off the stage, and
management re-seeks ROBERT MORSE to
fill his spot.
KRISTEN CHENOWETH
Wow... he's so right... I hope this isn't the last Broadway
show Joel Grey agrees to do before retiring...
As do we.
BLACKOUT.
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