Wicked: Abridged

                                       WICKED:
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                                      and Rebecca Joseph 




            SCENE: MUNCHKINLAND

                                   The show starts with a dissonant song
                                   as people jump around in what is
                                   apparently "choreography".

                                   The scenery is set with a concoction of
                                   gears and cogs.

                                   SET DESIGNER EUGENE LEE
            Hey, can somebody get me a draft of the script?  I never
            bothered figuring out what these gears and stuff have to do
            with Oz.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH lowers onto stage
                                   in... well, it's a bubble wand.  Like
                                   the kind you'd dip into a jar of
                                   bubbles to blow bubbles out of.  She
                                   unstraps herself out of the bubble wand
                                   before she steps out.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Hi, I'm either Galinda or Glinda, who the heck knows!  I'm
            beautiful, blond, and white!  Even though I'm the secondary
            character of the show, I was both written and directed to
            steal away the thunder from main-character Idina Menzel every
            chance I get!  I sure hope this doesn't make the main
            character utterly un-interesting by comparison.  In the
            meanwhile, I'll do everything including winking at the
            audience so that you love me!

                                   NORMAL-HEIGHTED PEOPLE
            We're Munchkins, and we dress in rags.  Hopefully, our crappy
            costuming will help to greaten the nobility of the Wonderful
            World of Oz.

                                   SIX-FOOT TALL MUNCHKIN
            Tell me Kristen Chenoweth, what ever happened to the Wicked
            Witch of the West?

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Well, the Wicked Witch of the West was born a bastard...





            SCENE: FLASHBACK.

                                   WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER
            I like to sleep with various travelling salesmen.  Traveling
            salesmen being a profession that obviously exists in this
            magical fantasy land we're trying to create!

                                   She DOES.  

                                   There is a random green bottle on the
                                   side of the stage.

                                   BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
            Make sure to notice the green bottle, that's going to somehow
            be very important in the last five minutes of the play!

                                   Midwife sneaks onto stage with a
                                   plastic green baby behind her back.

                                   WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER
            I'm pregnant, and it's going to come out!

                                   The chorus member pulls the plastic
                                   baby out from behind her back,
                                   pretending as if she'd just yanked it
                                   out of WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER's crotch.

                                   WICKED WITCH'S FATHER
            It's hideous!

                                   WICKED WITCH'S MOTHER
            It's grotesque!

                                   MIDWIFE
            Nah, it's just a leftover prop from "Batboy".

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            And so, Idina Menzel grew up, and went away to school.





            SCENE: A HORRIBLE RIP-OFF OF "HOGWART'S SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY"

                                   The father drops off IDINA MENZEL and
                                   BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Hi, I'm Idina Menzel, the wicked witch, and my character is
            going to be an utterly uninteresting loser for the rest of
            Act One. 
            It's a good thing I have a hell a voice because some of the songs
            I'll be singing for you sound like they came out of Stephen
            Schwartz's ass while he had the runs.

                                   BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
            I'm Idina's sister, and the only quality my character has is
            a wheelchair.

                                   WICKED WITCH'S FATHER
            And I'm the asshole that raised two wicked witches!  Yaaaahh!

                                   WICKED WITCH'S FATHER exits, never to
                                   appear in story again.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Idina Menzel, because you are green, I and all of the other
            characters in this musical shall oppress you!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
                          (To audience)
            Oh, how oppressive a life it is being not white!

                                   She winks, and then pulls out a
                                   timeline of American history since the
                                   Civil War to drill the paper-thin
                                   parallel into our head.

                                   SCHOOLMISTRESS
            Idina, you are so gifted.  I am going to take you under my
            wing so you can learn magic and the like.  Then, we will go
            see the wizard.  You get this honor because you have a
            collection of amazing magical powers, the details of which we
            won't really bother explaining very well during the course of
            the storyline unless it is immediately convenient at the
            time.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Meet the Wizard?  That is my dream!

                                   Delivered staring straight out at the
                                   audience from the middle of the stage,
                                   she sings "The Wizard and I", about how
                                   she would love to meet the Wizard. 
                                   Like the rest of the score, it has none
                                   of the catchiness of any of the rest of
                                   Stephen Schwartz's repertoire.  Or any
                                   of the songs in the original 1939
                                   movie, for that matter.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
                          (still singing)
            WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME THEY WILL SCREAM,
            FOR HALF OF OZ'S FAVORITE TEAM...

                                   ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR
            Crap, they can hear the oversimplified lyrics!  Play louder, play
            louder!

                                   They do, but she continues to sing
                                   overly-miked:

                                   SEATTLE
            Hey, Idina, great singing!

                                   The song ends, thankfully bringing us
                                   from the awful score back to the awful
                                   script.

                                   SCHOOLMISTRESS
                          (to Idina)
            But Idina, until you go to meet the wizard, you must live
            with Kristen.  Due of her faux-racist hatred for you,
            hilarious hijinks must ensue from this!

                                   They DON'T.





            SCENE: HOGWART'S CLASSROOM

                                   GOAT PROFESSOR
            I am a goat.  
                          (Funny goat sound)
            I am not a majestic made-up part-animal part-human creature,
            like the kinds you might find in "The Lion, The Witch and The
            Wardrobe" or "Total Recall".  
                          (Goat sound, a little less
                           funny)
            I am simply a goat.  But I talk. 
                          (Goat sound, by now very
                           annoying.)
            And although I only appear for about three, four minutes
            tops, I will become the central conflict of the plot.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            You're so cute and furry!  How could you be a central part of
            the plot?

                                   GOAT PROFESSOR
            Well you see, The Wizard of Oz is trying to get all animals
            to stop talking.  Just because we animals are the minority!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
                          (To audience)
            Oh wow Goat Professor, how oppressive a life it is being born
            as something other than the norm!
                          (She winks, then pulls out a
                           timeline of all events leading
                           up to world war two.)
            See?

                                   AUDIENCE
            Yeah, we get it.

                                   BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
                          (interrupting)
            No, I don't think you do.  See?  There's a parallel to the
            Haloc--

                                   AUDIENCE
            We g--

                                   BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
            Japanese Internment camps too!

                                   AUDIENCE
            WE GET IT, ALLRIGHT?  STOP THAT!  It's cheapening real
            history.

                                   BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
                          (grinning widely)
            No, it's not cheapening history, it's forcing you to look at
            it from another angle!

                                   AUDIENCE
            No, it's cheapening it because minorities that have
            experienced such things can't even relate to your miswritten
            goat character.

                                   BOOKWRITER WINNIE HOLZMAN
            But... but... the parallels are so clever...

                                   Winnie Holzman goes into a corner and
                                   cries, clutching to weather-worn copies
                                   of the episodes of "My So Called Life"
                                   that she wrote.

                                   Enter NORBERT LEO BUTZ.

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            I am the horribly-underwritten male romantic lead of this
            play, and I adore you Kristen because you are so beautiful!

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            And I adore you, Norbert...
                          (she begins laughing
                           hysterically)

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            What's so funny?

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Your name is Norbert!  Ha ha ha ha ha...

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Yeah, I do have a pretty funny name!

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Where was I... I adore, you as you adore me!  You, like I,
            are popular and physically attractive!  We should be
            together!

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            We should, but I also adore Idina Menzel!

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            You adore Idina?  Why?

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Uh... 
                          (shouts offstage)
            Hey, Joe Mantello, why do I adore Idina?

                                   Silence.

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Uh... Joe?

                                   DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
                          (startled)
            Oh!  I'm sorry, uh...
                          (More silence.  Then
                           admittingly:)
            Actually, I haven't really been paying attention to the
            rehearsal process at all.  I've been spending the entire time
            imagining more ideas for any other play that I could stage,
            also with baseball players showering nude onstage.  Now where
            was I... right.  Lather... rinse.. repeat...

                                   He drifts off, hopefully sticking to
                                   directing plays from now on.

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Crap... Idina, why do I adore you?

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            I don't know...  Oh well.
                          (obviously not in love)
            We're in love!

                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (also, without a doubt, not in
                           love)
            Yes, we're in love!  Huzzah!

                                   They kiss, or something.  Either way,
                                   it's really not very convincing.

                                   IDINA MENZEL AND
                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (singing)
            DEEP WITHIN MY HEART,
            AND NEVER BE APART,
            SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE,
            LIKE A HAND FITS A GLOVE...

                                   AUDIENCE
                          (cringing with fear)
            No!  Please Stephen Schwartz, not another cliche rhyme!

                                   STEPHEN SCHWARTZ
            Don't blame me.  I actually don't bother writing lyrics
            anymore.  I bought a nifty computer program that writes them
            for me.  This gives me more time to sign my royalty checks
            for regional Pippin productions!

                                   Idina and Norbert keep singing faux
                                   lovingly to each other.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Oh no, what will I do?

                                   BOQ, THE TALLER-THAN-KRISTEN
                                   CHENOWETH MUNCHKIN.
            Kristen, you're so beautiful.  How about *I* marry you.  Our
            kids will be seven feet tall.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Go suck an egg.

                                   BOQ, THE TALLER-THAN-KRISTEN
                                   CHENOWETH MUNCHKIN.
            I shall continue to chase after you.  In the meanwhile, I
            will tend to Idina Menzel's wheelchair sister.





            SCENE: DORM ROOM.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Kristen Chenoweth, I get to go to see the Wizard of Oz in the
            Emerald City!  And you get to come with me!

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            To show my gratitude, I'll offer you this pointy black hat,
            which is just like the one Original Wicked Witch Margaret
            Hamilton wore in the movie!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            What a great idea!  How about throughout the play, you
            continue to offer me things like a black cloak, or a black
            cape, or a broom to make me look more and more like Margaret
            Hamilton did!  These attempts at humor will be painfully
            predictable from a mile away!

                                   AUDIENCE collectively groans.





            SCENE: A CITY.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            This is the Emerald City?

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            That's sad.  In the movie the Emerald City consisted of some
            of the film's best visuals and songs.  Now it looks like
            Midtown Manhattan, but in green lighting.

                                   A GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE A
                                   CROSS BETWEEN A HOMELESS MAN
                                   AND AN OOMPA LOOMPA
            Wanna buy some Foakleys?

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            No thanks.

                                   TICKET SCALPER
            Want to buy a ticket?

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Hey Idina, let's go see a show!

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            What show?  OZ-Mania?!?

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Actually, I was just considering walking out of the Gershwin
            Theatre and catching the rest of Avenue Q.





            SCENE: PALACE OF THE WIZARD.

                                   Giant glowing Wizard head pops out. 
                                   This is AWESOME.  

                                   Audience weeps, as they realize this is
                                   going to be the only decent set piece
                                   in the entire show.

                                   GIANT TALKING HEAD
                          (menacingly)
            Who goes there?

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            It is I, Idina Menzel.

                                   GIANT TALKING HEAD
            The gay chick from Rent?

                                   Enter Joel Grey.  He is ADORABLE.

                                   JOEL GREY
            Well why didn't you say so?  It is I, Joel Grey!  Once I
            played Oscar-winning roles such as the Emcee in Cabaret, and
            tony-winning roles such as the Emcee in Cabaret, and the
            Emcee in one of the Cabaret revivals!  But in this musical...
                          (he sighs)
            I play the Wizard.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Why so sad, Joel Grey?

                                   JOEL GREY
            Because not only is my part sorely under-written, but I get
            two of the worst songs in the entire show.  And that's of a
            score that's nowhere near any of the other work the composer
            has done in the past 35 years.  But I digress... I play the
            Wizard of Oz!

                                   SCHOOLMISTRESS
                          (entering)
            And I work in the government with him!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Wait, I thought you were the head of the school.  If you run
            the government then how do you have the ti--

                                   JOEL GREY
                          (cutting her off)
            Shh.  I want to make you my partner, Idina, because you are
            so talented!  

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            You know Joel, the audience is really taking a leap of faith
            of hearing you and the Schoolmistress constantly call me
            talented.  Because aside from me accidentally making a
            wheelchair move around very slowly in the beginning of Act
            One, they really haven't even seen a single scene where I do
            something talented, or where the Schoolmistress trains me or
            anything.  And we're already like an hour and a half into the
            show.

                                   JOEL GREY
            Well, here's this book of spells, and I need you to cast this
            spell on this monkey!

                                   He brings out an actor who's resigned
                                   himself to playing a monkey on
                                   Broadway.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Why can't *you* cast the spell?

                                   JOEL GREY
            Because I can't read the language.  In fact, nobody alive
            can.  But I'm sure that you can!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            What makes you think this?  Where would I have learned a dead
            language from if nobody knows it?

                                   JOEL GREY
            Would you stop asking questions regarding the discernible
            logic of a musical that obviously has none?  Just say the
            spell.

                                   She does.  Wings come out of the
                                   monkey's back.  The audience could SEE
                                   THIS COMING.  And not just because the
                                   wings had already started coming out a
                                   half a minute before Idina began the
                                   spell.

                                   The backdrop falls away, and we see a
                                   dozen flying monkeys, LIVE and IN
                                   PERSON!  Oddly enough, this isn't very
                                   exciting at all.

                                   JOEL GREY
            Ha ha ha ha ha!  My plan worked!  I now have flying monkey
            spies!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Why couldn't you have just used birds instead of genetically
            deforming primates?

                                   JOEL GREY
            I'm not sure.  But it doesn't matter, because I now have my
            spies!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            To spy what?

                                   JOEL GREY
            I'm not sure.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            So wait, you're evil?

                                   JOEL GREY
            Again, not sure.  I kinda go back and forth.  I'm less the
            "nice guy who gets forced into making bad decisions" and more
            of a "nice guy who sings songs that stop the plot entire". 
            I'm still pretty adorable, though!

                                   Joel Grey sings a song.  It's so cute!

                                   JOEL GREY
            So would you join me in my quest to do something vaguely
            corrupt?

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            No, I won't!  Not only will I not, but you have been making
            puppets of the citizens of Oz for too long.  And now, while I
            get angry and switch from glasses to contact lenses, my
            character will ACTUALLY BECOME SOMEWHAT INTERESTING!

                                   Idina Menzel begins to fly!

                                   Actually, she doesn't really fly. 
                                   She's standing on a platform that
                                   ascends somewhat, and as she does she's
                                   hit by huge spotlights from various
                                   angles.  The overtime for setting the
                                   lights could buy a small nation.

                                   Unfortunately, this "flying" moment
                                   doesn't really have much meaning.

                                   JOEL GREY
            Guards, get her!

                                   Chaos ensues.  Above the stage, a giant
                                   wooden dragon shakes left and right.

                                   BOTH OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                                   WHO READ THE "WICKED" NOVEL
            The dragon is moving!  What an excellent representation of
            the fantastic ideas conjured up from the original source
            material!

                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO DIDN'T
                                   READ THE BOOK
            Uh... so, what's up with that dragon?





            SCENE: HOUSE OF IDINA'S BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Wheelchair Sister, I've been told that you've become a bitch
            and enslaved the Munchkins.

                                   BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
            Yes, I did it because I'm angry that I'm in a wheelchair!  Of
            course, I've been in a wheelchair my whole life, so no reason
            that I should begin lashing out at the world suddenly just
            now.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Well I have this book of spells with me, why don't I try to
            heal your walking?

                                   She chants from the book, and it works.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Interesting how I don't now try to change my skin white...

                                   BOQ, THE TALLER-THAN-KRISTEN
                                   CHENOWETH MUNCHKIN.
            Bitter Wheelchair Sister, you can now walk!  Now I don't need
            to take care of you anymore!

                                   He begins to leave.

                                   BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
            Oh no you don't!

                                   She begins chanting a spell from the
                                   book to make his heart shrink.

                                   BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
            Even though I just did this on purpose, help Idina, his heart
            is dying!

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            Allright, why don't I just recite a spell while I WHEEL HIM
            BEHIND THIS CABINET...

                                   She does.  Filler while makeup artists
                                   paint his face silver.

                                   IDINA MENZEL
            And voila, it turns out that he's the Tin Man!

                                   AUDIENCE
            We're not going to buy that, you know.  The tin-man was
            normal height. 
            Assuming we've taken the leap that Munchkins don't need to be
            played by short people, the tin-man couldn't have been a
            Munchkin.

                                   BITTER WHEELCHAIR SISTER
                          (ignoring audience)
            Hey, look, we're starting to play off of the original Frank
            L. Baum story!  When we do that, the musical finally gets
            some interesting moments!

                                   The show basically does this over and
                                   over for another hour.  Eventually:





            SCENE: THE EMERALD CITY

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Joel Grey, because you were evil, you must leave Oz and never
            return.

                                   JOEL GREY
            Okay, let me just take my green bottle...

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Funny, Idina Menzel's mother had a green bottle in the first
            scene of the play.

                                   SCHOOLMISTRESS
            Wait... she had a green bottle... which somehow or another
            means that she was partially the product of you!  This makes
            sense why she had so many magical powers!  She had a mother
            of this world, and a father of the next!

                                   JOEL GREY
            ... wait, she had magical powers because she was bred half
            and half?

                                   SCHOOLMISTRESS
            Yes!  Doesn't it all make sense now?

                                   JOEL GREY
            No.

                                   SCHOOLMISTRESS
            Of course I agr... wait Joel, that isn't your line.  You're
            supposed to say--

                                   JOEL GREY
                          (Visibly pissed, but still
                           adorable)
            No, I'm sorry, I won't stand for this.  Kristen!

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Uh...
                          (a little frightened)
            Yeah Joel?

                                   JOEL GREY
            *How* do we know that she's my daughter?

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Well, because both of you had green bottles!

                                   JOEL GREY
            And if we were to find someone in the audience who also came
            in with a green bottle, would that make them my son or
            daughter too?

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            I suppose... hey wait, that doesn't make sense!

                                   JOEL GREY
            See?  Idina was right!  It *matters* that these incidents
            follow no discernible logic!  See, there's this little thing
            that this guy named SHAKESPEARE used to do.  If there was
            something that was going to be a surprise at the end, he
            would at least introduce it earlier in the play, sufficiently
            enough so that last moment gives you a sort of "oh, why
            couldn't *I* have figured that out myself?" type of feeling. 
            So for example, if at the end the surprise is that she's
            powerful because she's a half-breed, then the idea that half
            breeds are powerful is introduced earlier in!
                          (enraged)
            Or if you don't explain that, you at least explain what the
            green bottle is!  What it's purpose is!  

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            You're right!

                                   JOEL GREY
            Damn hell I'm right!  I didn't go from playing the Emcee in
            Cabaret to THIS!

                                   Joel Grey walks off the stage, and
                                   management re-seeks ROBERT MORSE to
                                   fill his spot.

                                   KRISTEN CHENOWETH
            Wow... he's so right... I hope this isn't the last Broadway
            show Joel Grey agrees to do before retiring...

                                   As do we.

                                   BLACKOUT.

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