SMASH Abridged: Episode 13

Uma Thurman makes an acting decision to play the part of Marilyn dressed like Glenn Close in 101 Dalmations

SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 13:
AN EPISODE JUST AS UNLUCKY AS THE FIRST 12

scene: previously on smash

jack davenport

Smoothies?!?!?

Previous-ons.  What would we do without `em?

scene: cast goes to Boston

christian borle

Hey Theresa, can I sing another song this week?

series creator theresa rebeck

My play-that-people-only-saw-for-Alan-Rickman and are now not-seeing-with-Jeff-Goldbloom didn't get nominated for Best Tony, and now I'm depressed.  So do whatever you want.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Can I sing... 

(hesitantly)

a number from a musical?

SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK

Sure.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Can it be a slightly remixed-and-updated version of a Broadway show tune, kind of like this should could have been cleverly doing all along?

SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK

Yeah...

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Now, can... can a hopeful Megan Hilty caress a picture of Bernadette Peters during the montage?

SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK

Yeah, whatever.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Can--

SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK

I said do whatever you want.  I don't work here anymore, remember?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Squee!

We see a montage of all of the actresses in the show caressing pictures of Bernadette Peters during the montage.

Then, Megan Hilty licks it.

other guy playing joe dimaggio

I got a television pilot, so I'm quitting the play.

anjelica huston

I guess that means we're going to have to bring back CREEPY WILL CHASE!

and grace

NOOOOOOO!

shrek without makeup

NOOOOOOO!

their GOD-DAMNED NOT-ABDUCTED son

DEERRRRPPPFFFFFFLLLLL!

ANJELICA HUSTON

But we have to Debra, it's Drama!

AND GRACE

That's not drama--it's torture!

ANJELICA HUSTON

Which means it's Drama!

AND GRACE

Not torture for *me*, torture to the remnant of our audience!  Have you *seen* how much worse my acting gets whenever he's onscreen with me?

ANJELICA HUSTON

No I got what you meant.  Every time we torture our fans, though, they can't help coming back for more!

AND GRACE

Those are the type of fans we have left at this point.  Sadomasochistic.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Hey why are you, the bookwriter and lyricist, not in Boston right now?

AND GRACE

Oh did you need me there?  I figured I'd send the composer along and that'd be good enough.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Oh right, because with the passive-aggressive direction, the $9.99 set, and the incomprehensible book, the SONGS are the piece that needs help.

scene: NYTImes writer goes over to Katharine mcphee's boyfriend's apartment.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

In the previous episode I was really into my relationship with the lifeless Katharine McPhee.  A mild personality upgrade from my previous girlfriend, a mop.

nytimes writer chick

Well I brought over some alcohol and it's just us alone.  Hmm shouldn't somebody accidentally walk through the door about now--

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

BUT NOW I'M ANGRY AT HER AGAIN!  FOR BEING AN ACTRESS BUT IN A SHOW!  Oh no.

NYTIMES WRITER CHICK

What is it?

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

It seems I'm... I'm bipolar!

NYTIMES WRITER CHICK

Cool.  I'm totally into Bipolar Guys.

They KISS.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

I can't do this!  You're nice and all, but Katharine McPhee is so... so....

NYTIMES WRITER CHICK

(begins mopping floor)

 

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

I see what you're doing there.

scene: christian borle goes to black gay sports guy's parents' house in boston.

black gay sports guy's father

BRUINS.  CELTICS.  PATRIOTS.

black gay sports guy

Uh, so why do I like New York teams?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY'S FATHER

SAAAWWWWWWKKKKSSS!!!

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

(to Christian)

I wasn't going to even tell them that I was in town.

christian borle

You were going to be in a musical in Boston, and planned on not telling your parents at all?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Yes.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

How prick-like!  I retaliate by saying that I don't think your Broadway dancing career makes sense.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

YOU WRITE MUSICALS!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

So?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Let's... let's just hug it out.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

(hugging him, feeling his dancer body)

On second thought, forget everything I said.

scene: katharine mcphee and uma thurman chat in marilyn wigs

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Real diamonds, they must be worth their weight in gold!

uma thurman

Are you having a really boring orgasm?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

No that's.... that's just my Marilyn impression.

UMA THURMAN

Poor Wednesday matinee folk.  Hey, "that wig looks good on you".

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Really?

UMA THURMAN

Heavens no.  We just have to keep saying it looks good on you to convince the audience that *we* somehow think that.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Oh.

UMA THURMAN

And to think I'm the one with the DEATHLY FOREBODING PEANUT ALLERGY.  Shame.

Jack Davenport suddenly decides to be nice to Uma THurman.

JACK DAVENPORT

I despised you in the previous episode, Uma.  But this episode was written by somebody else--CAN YOU TELL?--so now I want to get you in bed.

MEGAN HILTY

(piping-up)

But I thought in the previous episode, you were blown away by my talent!

JACK DAVENPORT

I was.  You were my inspiration.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

But before that, didn't you have dreamy hallucinations of me as Marilyn?

JACK DAVENPORT

Yes, in that episode *you* were my muse.

MEGAN HILTY

If you're not just doing this to fuck multiple girls, what the hell is wrong with you?

UMA THURMAN

Maybe it's because you've caught Katharine McPhee's Boyfriend's bipolarism?

JACK DAVENPORT

Actually, in the SMASH universe, it seems completely plausible to catch bipolar disorder like it's some airborne disease.

UMA THURMAN

I WANT SMOOTHIES!  This role is hard for me.  THESE GLOVES MUST BE PART OF MY COSTUME!  I am scared of going onstage.  MY POTATO CHIPS ARE SPECIAL!

JACK DAVENPORT

Such a terrible epidemic.

scene: katharine mcphee gets proposed to.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Katharine, will you marry me?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I don't have to take your proposal seriously at all, as I'm an actress.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

You what?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I'm an actress and..

(singing)

IT'S TECH.

MEGAN HILTY

(singing)

IT'S TECH.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(singing)

IT'S TECH.

MEGAN HILTY

(singing)

IT'S TECH!

Everyone breaks out into a musical number about how being in Tech is an excuse to do whatever lazy narrative thing you want.

cast

(singing)

WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH
YOU CAN'T SAY YOU'RE HAPPY
CAUSE LIFE IS CRAPPY
CAUSE YOU'RE IN TECH!
WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH
YOU CAN'T BE PROPOSED TO
CAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE IN TE--

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S EX-BOYFRIEND?

Wait a minute, this doesn't happen at all!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

But doesn't it make just slightly more sense than me saying something like, I dunno, "This is what theater is, it's joy one day and it's gone the next, it's like a religion"?

MEGAN HILTY

And this way's so much more interesting!

(singing)

WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH
IT'S OKAY TO MURDER
THE JURY HEARD YOU'RE,
YOU'RE DOING TECH!
WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH YOU...

scene: megan hilty sings a song that montages through random previous episodes' clips.

MEGAN HILTY

I did it!  Sure, Jack Davenport is cheating on me, but I got to sing the American Idol number this episode instead of Katharine McPhee!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

What are you doing with your mouth?

MEGAN HILTY

It's called "Bad Lipsyncing".

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Oh wow, even I can lipsync convincably!

MEGAN HILTY

Jerk.  Now I'm going to try to sleep with your boyfriend.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S EX-BOYFRIEND?

Hi, my name is Katharine McPhee's Probably-Ex-Boyfriend.

MEGAN HILTY

I AM A TALENTED STAR DESERVING OF THE ROLE OF MARILYN.  Hey let's fuck behind Katharine McPhee's back.  I HAVE WORKED MY WAY OUT OF THE CHORUS AND HAVE DREAMS AND WISHES.  Let's make Katharine McPhee cry even if she isn't my competition anymore.  MY MOTHER NEEDS TO SHOW ME MORE AFFECTION!

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S EX-BOYFRIEND?

Looks like we must have slept together, because you definitely contracted *something* from me.

NBC Announcer steps into frame.

nbc announcer

Tune into smash next week when that peanut allergy thing we ruined so many weeks ago comes to a head.

UMA THURMAN

(choking)

I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!

NBC ANNOUNCER

Whatever.  Listen, just two episodes left and then, who knows, maybe this show will become great!  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fringe, Parks and Recreations, and The Office were all terrible shows in their first season!  Even the beginning of The Wire is difficult to get thr--

GOSSIP GIRL SHOWRUNNER JOSH SAFRAN

Excuse me, can you tell me where the Smash Showrunner office is?

NBC ANNOUNCER

Just listen for the sound of Theresa Rebeck's crying.

smash SHOWRUNNER JOSH SAFRAN

Great.  I'm told I get her office starting today.

NBC ANNOUNCER

...
I wonder if CBS has any announcer openings.

blackout.

Other SMASH Abridged Episodes

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts


RECENT BLOG ENTRIES

Review: Quidam
There is a joke about every Disney theme park ride in the world being the same thing over and…
Blue Man Group: Revisited
"Is there anything I need to know about Blue Man Group going in?"How do you even describe Blue Man Group?…
Macbeth on Broadway
Alan Cumming is back on Broadway doing a limited run of his tour-de-force almost-one-man Macbeth, and it is a must-see. …
Les Miserables The Movie: Abridged
"Papa, Mister Hooper's camera is getting awfully close. ""Yes Cosette, that's called a 'bad touch'."…

ITBA

BROADWAY ABRIDGED LIVE! (THE CD)


Volume 1: Even More Musicals comedy album available for sale on iTunes/Amazon.