AN EPISODE JUST AS UNLUCKY AS THE FIRST 12
scene:
previously on smash
jack davenport
Smoothies?!?!?
Previous-ons. What would we do without `em?
scene: cast
goes to Boston
christian borle
Hey Theresa, can I sing another song this week?
series creator theresa rebeck
My play-that-people-only-saw-for-Alan-Rickman and are now not-seeing-with-Jeff-Goldbloom didn't get nominated for Best Tony, and now I'm depressed. So do whatever
you want.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Can I sing...
(hesitantly)
a number from a musical?
SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK
Sure.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Can it be a slightly remixed-and-updated version of a
Broadway show tune, kind of like this should could have been cleverly doing all
along?
SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK
Yeah...
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Now, can... can a hopeful Megan Hilty caress a picture of
Bernadette Peters during the montage?
SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK
Yeah, whatever.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Can--
SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK
I said do whatever you want. I don't work here anymore,
remember?
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Squee!
We see a montage of all
of the actresses in the show caressing pictures of Bernadette Peters during the
montage.
Then, Megan Hilty licks it.
other guy playing joe dimaggio
I got a television pilot, so I'm quitting the play.
anjelica huston
I guess that means we're going to have to bring back CREEPY
WILL CHASE!
and grace
NOOOOOOO!
shrek without makeup
NOOOOOOO!
their GOD-DAMNED NOT-ABDUCTED son
DEERRRRPPPFFFFFFLLLLL!
ANJELICA HUSTON
But we have to Debra, it's Drama!
AND GRACE
That's not drama--it's torture!
ANJELICA HUSTON
Which means it's Drama!
AND GRACE
Not torture for *me*, torture to the remnant of our
audience! Have you *seen* how much worse my acting gets whenever he's
onscreen with me?
ANJELICA HUSTON
No I got what you meant. Every time we torture our
fans, though, they can't help coming back for more!
AND GRACE
Those are the type of fans we have left at this point. Sadomasochistic.
ANJELICA HUSTON
Hey why are you, the bookwriter and lyricist, not in Boston
right now?
AND GRACE
Oh did you need me there? I figured I'd send the
composer along and that'd be good enough.
ANJELICA HUSTON
Oh right, because with the passive-aggressive direction, the
$9.99 set, and the incomprehensible book, the SONGS are the piece that needs
help.
scene:
NYTImes writer goes over to Katharine mcphee's boyfriend's apartment.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
In the previous episode I was really into my relationship
with the lifeless Katharine McPhee. A mild personality upgrade from my
previous girlfriend, a mop.
nytimes writer chick
Well I brought over some alcohol and it's just us
alone. Hmm shouldn't somebody accidentally walk through the door about
now--
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
BUT NOW I'M ANGRY AT HER AGAIN! FOR BEING AN ACTRESS
BUT IN A SHOW! Oh no.
NYTIMES WRITER CHICK
What is it?
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
It seems I'm... I'm bipolar!
NYTIMES WRITER CHICK
Cool. I'm totally into Bipolar Guys.
They KISS.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
I can't do this! You're nice and all, but Katharine
McPhee is so... so....
NYTIMES WRITER CHICK
(begins mopping floor)
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
I see what you're doing there.
scene:
christian borle goes to black gay sports guy's parents' house in boston.
black gay sports guy's father
BRUINS. CELTICS. PATRIOTS.
black gay sports guy
Uh, so why do I like New York teams?
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY'S FATHER
SAAAWWWWWWKKKKSSS!!!
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
(to Christian)
I wasn't going to even tell them that I was in town.
christian borle
You were going to be in a musical in Boston, and planned on
not telling your parents at all?
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
Yes.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
How prick-like! I retaliate by saying that I don't
think your Broadway dancing career makes sense.
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
YOU WRITE MUSICALS!
CHRISTIAN BORLE
So?
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
Let's... let's just hug it out.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
(hugging him, feeling his dancer body)
On second thought, forget everything I said.
scene:
katharine mcphee and uma thurman chat in marilyn wigs
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Real diamonds, they must be worth their weight in gold!
uma thurman
Are you having a really boring orgasm?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
No that's.... that's just my Marilyn impression.
UMA THURMAN
Poor Wednesday matinee folk. Hey, "that wig looks good
on you".
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Really?
UMA THURMAN
Heavens no. We just have to keep saying it looks good
on you to convince the audience that *we* somehow think that.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Oh.
UMA THURMAN
And to think I'm the one with the DEATHLY FOREBODING PEANUT
ALLERGY. Shame.
Jack Davenport suddenly decides to be nice to Uma THurman.
JACK DAVENPORT
I despised you in the previous episode, Uma. But this
episode was written by somebody else--CAN YOU TELL?--so now I want to get you
in bed.
MEGAN HILTY
(piping-up)
But I thought in the previous episode, you were blown away by
my talent!
JACK DAVENPORT
I was. You were my inspiration.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
But before that, didn't you have dreamy hallucinations of me
as Marilyn?
JACK DAVENPORT
Yes, in that episode *you* were my muse.
MEGAN HILTY
If you're not just doing this to fuck multiple girls, what
the hell is wrong with you?
UMA THURMAN
Maybe it's because you've caught Katharine McPhee's
Boyfriend's bipolarism?
JACK DAVENPORT
Actually, in the SMASH universe, it seems completely
plausible to catch bipolar disorder like it's some airborne disease.
UMA THURMAN
I WANT SMOOTHIES! This role is hard for me. THESE
GLOVES MUST BE PART OF MY COSTUME! I am scared of going onstage. MY
POTATO CHIPS ARE SPECIAL!
JACK DAVENPORT
Such a terrible epidemic.
scene:
katharine mcphee gets proposed to.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
Katharine, will you marry me?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I don't have to take your proposal seriously at all, as I'm
an actress.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
You what?
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I'm an actress and..
(singing)
IT'S TECH.
MEGAN HILTY
(singing)
IT'S TECH.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
(singing)
IT'S TECH.
MEGAN HILTY
(singing)
IT'S TECH!
Everyone breaks out into a musical number about how being in
Tech is an excuse to do whatever lazy narrative thing you want.
cast
(singing)
WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH
YOU CAN'T SAY YOU'RE HAPPY
CAUSE LIFE IS CRAPPY
CAUSE YOU'RE IN TECH!
WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH
YOU CAN'T BE PROPOSED TO
CAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE IN TE--
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S EX-BOYFRIEND?
Wait a minute, this doesn't happen at all!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
But doesn't it make just slightly more sense than me saying
something like, I dunno, "This is what theater is, it's joy one day and it's
gone the next, it's like a religion"?
MEGAN HILTY
And this way's so much more interesting!
(singing)
WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH
IT'S OKAY TO MURDER
THE JURY HEARD YOU'RE,
YOU'RE DOING TECH!
WHEN YOU'RE IN TECH YOU...
scene: megan
hilty sings a song that montages through random previous episodes' clips.
MEGAN HILTY
I did it! Sure, Jack Davenport is cheating on me, but I
got to sing the American Idol number this episode instead of Katharine McPhee!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
What are you doing with your mouth?
MEGAN HILTY
It's called "Bad Lipsyncing".
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Oh wow, even I can lipsync convincably!
MEGAN HILTY
Jerk. Now I'm going to try to sleep with your boyfriend.
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S EX-BOYFRIEND?
Hi, my name is Katharine McPhee's Probably-Ex-Boyfriend.
MEGAN HILTY
I AM A TALENTED STAR DESERVING OF THE ROLE OF MARILYN.
Hey let's fuck behind Katharine McPhee's back. I HAVE WORKED MY WAY OUT
OF THE CHORUS AND HAVE DREAMS AND WISHES. Let's make Katharine McPhee cry
even if she isn't my competition anymore. MY MOTHER NEEDS TO SHOW ME MORE
AFFECTION!
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S EX-BOYFRIEND?
Looks like we must have slept together, because you definitely contracted *something* from me.
NBC Announcer steps into frame.
nbc announcer
Tune into smash next week when that peanut allergy thing we
ruined so many weeks ago comes to a head.
UMA THURMAN
(choking)
I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!
NBC ANNOUNCER
Whatever. Listen, just two episodes left and then, who
knows, maybe this show will become great! Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
Fringe, Parks and Recreations, and The Office were all terrible shows in their
first season! Even the beginning of The Wire is difficult to get thr--
GOSSIP GIRL SHOWRUNNER JOSH SAFRAN
Excuse me, can you tell me where the Smash Showrunner office
is?
NBC ANNOUNCER
Just listen for the sound of Theresa Rebeck's crying.
smash SHOWRUNNER JOSH SAFRAN
Great. I'm told I get her office starting today.
NBC ANNOUNCER
...
I wonder if CBS has any announcer openings.
blackout.
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