It is what it is.
SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE
15:
THE SERIES FINALE
scene: PROLOGUE
We pan across a stage awash in horrifying corpses.
The dead limbs of chorus members scatter the Boston set of
"Bombshell", the Marilyn Monroe musical that now is believed to be indefinitely
on hiatus. Various guts lay across steambath towels and baseball
uniforms, all awash in blood.
The camera focuses on center stage where a former assistant's
grin, mangled and torn off its face, lays discarded on the ground. A torn
pile of a female's red hair--almost indistinguishable in color from the pool of
plasma it lay near--lays next to the corpse of a high school teenager that was
most definitely run over by 7 or 8 moving vehicles. The CSI workers would
later find that some of the vehicles had actually backed up and ran over the
body, several times.
And strewn across the Marilyn bed is Katherine McPhee's torn scalp.
It is the most horrifying scene ever to be connected to the
creation of a Broadway Musical, and since you asked, yes that is inclusive of
JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNOCOLOR DREAMCOAT.
So. How did it come to this?
FADE IN ON A...
TITLE CARD:
"12 HOURS EARLIER".
We get a fast-rotating shot so you know how ANGRY everybody
is:
JACK DAVENPORT
It's difficult to pick a new Marilyn Monroe in an hour.
I'd need, say, fifteen episodes to make such a decision!
chrisian borle
Well this decision needs to be made; we lost Uma Thurman to a
peanut allergy!
AND GRACE
And now she's DEAD! And we are missing her funeral
because we need to rehearse!
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Who would DO such a thing?
ANJELICA HUSTON
I don't know. But I'm giving every castmember a gun to
protect themselves. Just in case somebody tries poisoning somebody else.
JACK DAVENPORT
Excyeeeuuussee me?
I don't think--
ANJELICA HUSTON
You're not paid to think. You're paid to direct. So choose a Marilyn, and direct!
(answering ringing phone)
Oh hi, Michael Reidel Columnist For The New York Post And Major Name In The World Of Broadway. What? No, I don't feel comfortable calling you just Michael, or even Mr. Reidel. "Michael Reidel Columnist For The New York Post And Major Name In The World Of Broadway" is *way* more natural...
(wanders off)
JACK DAVENPORT
Now if you'll all excyeuuuseee
me, I need to go look at some costumes!
That HAPPENS.
JACK DAVENPORT
(rummaging through costumes)
As I touch these, I get sense memory! I can remember the thoughts and feelings of the
people who wear these clothes!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I don't think--
JACK DAVENPORT
Katharine, you are my Marilyn! You have something that
Megan Hilty doesn't!
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Talent?
JACK DAVENPORT
What? No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no.
No.
You have an overemphasized underdog status. That trumps talent any
day! Marilyn is yours.
some of the creative team
(interrupting)
We are echoing the voice of many audience members by saying
that we believe Megan Hilty would do better!
JACK DAVENPORT
But this is me, shooting
you down!
SOME OF THE CREATIVE TEAM
Well clearly then we were wrong about being Team Hilty.
Thanks for taking the time to show us the way!
Suddenly, ELLIS is STANDING BEHIND A THING!
ELLIS
But you just *have* to hire Megan Hilty, you just have
to! Don't you get how I murdered Uma Thurman?
(actual dialogue:)
Everybody knows what I did, I put peanuts in the stupid
smoothie, okay? In a blender, they grind right up!
ANJELICA HUSTON
They grind right up?
ellis
They grind right up!
ANJELICA HUSTON
In a blender?
ellis
In a blender, they grind right up!
ANJELICA HUSTON
Ah. Clearly I should call the cops. But instead
imma just fire you.
ELLIS
You haven't heard the last of--
ANJELICA HUSTON
(shoots Ellis in the face, who immediately falls DEAD
to the ground)
Got that, chorus members? That's how you use your handguns.
scene: rehearsal with Katharine mcphee as marilyn
and grace
Here, Katharine McPhee, these are the only lyrics I didn't *dramatically* rip out of my notebook and crumple up.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
Great, I will learn these.
WILL CHASE
Hey Debra Messing, I need to talk with you. I am still
in love with you and/or rape-y. And I--
Lights suddenly shut off.
JACK DAVENPORT
BLOODY HELL, why are the lights off?
and grace
Plot reasons.
JACK DAVENPORT
Ah right.
WILL CHASE
Plot reasons? What plot reasons? What are we
talking ab--
BANG!
Thump.
Another dead theatre person falls to the floor just as lights go back on.
JACK DAVENPORT
Right. Will somebody get Will Chase's BLOODY BODY
offstage? And not bloody in the British way.
scene:
exterior boston
SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
Honey, I think I walked in at the perfect moment to see you
touch Will Chase's arm,
and grace
But the good is greater than the mistakes!
SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
But I'm concerned about how faithful you--
AND GRACE
Also I just shot him in the chest.
SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
Like I always said, I trust you!
Enter the sole reason so many casting directors have given up
their trade in embarrassment during 2012:
ugh, LEO
FISH AND CHIPS IN BOSTON HOW CAN YOU RESIST. I EVEN PUT
VINEGAR ON ONE. FOR YOU, DAD.
SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
(pushes him into oncoming traffic)
ugh, LEO
aaaarrrrrggyyyyyyyyyican'tactdyingwell
SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
THE GOOD IS GREATER THAN THE MISTAKES, DEBRA MESSING?
WHAT IF WE ADOPT A KID FROM CHINA AND HE ENDS UP A CHINESE VERSION OF *THAT*!
Brian D'Arcy James sticks Debra Messing's gun into his mouth and pulls
the trigger, then falls LIFELESSLY to the floor.
AND GRACE
Totally understandable.
scene:
backstage
Megan Hilty meets up with Jack Davenport.
MEGAN HILTY already dressed as marilyn
You called for me?
JACK DAVENPORT
Yup, just wanted to let you know you're still not Marilyn.
MEGAN HILTY ALREADY DRESSED AS MARILYN
What?
JACK DAVENPORT
Yup. That's all.
He exits.
Enter Bernadette Peters.
MEGAN HILTY ALREADY DRESSED AS MARILYN
Oh Mom Bernadette, everyone hates me!
bernadette mothafucking peters
Don't worry, just wait it out. Like how everyone lately has conveniently forgotten how much they hated me in Gypsy, and are now deciding that they loved me in the role back then! Somehow it'll kind of work out in your favor.
Bernadette exits.
MEGAN HILTY ALREADY DRESSED AS MARILYN
Or I could *make* it work in my favor. Hey Katharine
McPhee, here's your husband's engagement ring to you! You really, really
don't want to know where I found it.
KATHARINE MCPHEE
(to her fiancee)
IS THIS TRUE?
katharine mcphee's fiancee
I'm sorry, I--
KATHARINE MCPHEE
I'm tired of you cheating and apologizing and cheating and
apologizing.
KATHARINE MCPHEE's ex-fiancee
Not the gun, not the gun,
not the--
KATHARINE MCPHEE
(shoves the engagement ring's diamond through each of his eyes)
KATHARINE MCPHEE'S dying ex-FIANCEE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
(collapses DEAD)
KATHARINE MCPHEE
NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BLOOD DIAMOND oh god that quip was
still better than every SMASH line of dialogue ever.
scene: christian borle and debra messing need to finish a song.
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
You okay?
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Yup, just orchestrating, which takes me three hours exactly
as if it's perfectly-calibrated clockwork. Debra is writing lyrics right
up to the curtain, otherwise what the hell else is she going to do all episode?
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
There, there.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Oh, Black Gay Sports Guy. Art is a sick
compulsion. Art is an ego gone haywire. Art is a fluffernutter
sandwich. Art is a banana with brown dots. Art is... is...
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
What?
CHRISTIAN BORLE
I just realized that since you're the only witness to my
worst dialogue all series, clearly I'm going to have to shoot you.
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
It's been a pleasure.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
(shoots him)
BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY
henriklundquistforthetwentyonesaveeffort!
(dies)
Enter Debra Messing.
and grace
I THREW UP! I NEVER THROW UP! BUT LAST TIME I
THREW UP I WAS PREGNANT! AND THIS TIME I AM THROWING UP! SO WHO
KNOWS WHAT THE REASON FOR ME THROWING UP COULD BE! I'LL NEVER TELL!
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Hey. what the hell is happening to your stomach?
and grace
What do you AAAAAAGGGGHHHH--
A small Chinese baby bursts out of Debra Messing's stomach,
KILLING HER in the process before it scampers off.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Eh, that's fine, you were a crappy procrastinating librettist
anyway.
scene:
anjelica huston and jack davenport talk
ANJELICA HUSTON
I don't think Katharine McPhee can pull the part off!
She's not... what's the phrase... "good at things".
JACK DAVENPORT
I AM AN ARTIST AND A STORYTELLER AND THIS IS MY VISION!
THIS IS WHO SHE IS, AND SHE'S MINE NOW!
ANJELICA HUSTON
NOBODY IN MY production SAY NONSENSE LIKE THAT!
She shoots him.
JACK DAVENPORT
(dying)
great, now My Fair Lady will never come back to broadwa...
(DIES)
ANJELICA HUSTON
That was great practice for my ex-husband, who I hear is coming to see the play!
Enter a visitor.
ANJELICA HUSTON
I see you!
(saying it while she shoots)
BANG! BANG!
NICK JONAS
(with his LAST BREATH)
No, Anjelica, it's me, Nick Jonas...
ANJELICA HUSTON
Oh I knew who you were.
scene:
preview of "Bombshell", with more of those "Shadow marilyn" whosawhatsits.
Enter Katharine McPhee, who actually doesn't look entirely awkward onstage for once!
(But if you're not actually watching SMASH, don't worry--she's
still horribly miscast. Wouldn't want to mislead you.)
KATHARINE MCPHEE
(sings)
LET ME BE YOUR STAR!
LET ME BE YOUR STAR!
AND OTHER SONGS THAT MEGAN HILTY STILL SANG BETTER THAN ME!
INTERSPERSED WITH MEGAN HILTY SINGING THEM
TO REMIND YOU OF THIS!
MEGAN HILTY
NO! NO MORE REMINDERS!
Megan Hilty takes all the pills ever while she's alone
backstage and nobody pays attention.
ANJELICA HUSTON
Well, Megan Hilty's DEAD. No way she'll be able to be
revived from that. She took every pill ever manufactured, times infinity.
Realizing this, the chorus gathers onstage into Team Hilty
and Team McPhee as they fire shots, KILLING each other until there are NO
LIVING CHORUS MEMBERS LEFT.
Every single bullet fired either direction passes through
McPhee, who is turned into a bloody piece of SWISS CHEESE by the time it's over.
The dead limbs of chorus members scatter the set. Various guts
lay across steambath towels
and baseball uniforms, all awash in blood. The camera focuses... oh you
already read that bit, didn't you?
CHRISTIAN BORLE
(to Anjelica Huston)
YOU! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! Don't you know that
you're not supposed to bring a Broadway show from inception to previews in Five
Months? Or at least not give your chorus members guns!
ANJELICA HUSTON
Why, what would *you* have done?
CHRISTIAN BORLE
The same thing I should have done months ago.
Out of nowhere, a martini glass appears in Christian Borle's
hand. He palms it, then throws it at 180 MPH at Anjelica Huston where it
kills her.
Like, a lot.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
I did it.
I survived SMASH!
I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T DIE!
...
...
So, uh, I guess...
(thumbs through the libretto)
Who wants to see me do this as a one man show?
Before the crowd can cheer, a chandelier falls on him,
instantaneously detaching his head from his torso.
Curtains close.
End of SERIES.
THERE ARE NO MORE EPISODES OF
SMASH AND IT DID NOT GET
RENEWED.
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