SMASH Abridged: Episode 15


It is what it is.

SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 15:
THE SERIES FINALE

scene: PROLOGUE

We pan across a stage awash in horrifying corpses.

The dead limbs of chorus members scatter the Boston set of "Bombshell", the Marilyn Monroe musical that now is believed to be indefinitely on hiatus.  Various guts lay across steambath towels and baseball uniforms, all awash in blood.

The camera focuses on center stage where a former assistant's grin, mangled and torn off its face, lays discarded on the ground.  A torn pile of a female's red hair--almost indistinguishable in color from the pool of plasma it lay near--lays next to the corpse of a high school teenager that was most definitely run over by 7 or 8 moving vehicles.  The CSI workers would later find that some of the vehicles had actually backed up and ran over the body, several times. 

And strewn across the Marilyn bed is Katherine McPhee's  torn scalp.

It is the most horrifying scene ever to be connected to the creation of a Broadway Musical, and since you asked, yes that is inclusive of JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNOCOLOR DREAMCOAT.

So.  How did it come to this?

FADE IN ON A...

TITLE CARD: "12 HOURS EARLIER".

We get a fast-rotating shot so you know how ANGRY everybody is:

JACK DAVENPORT

It's difficult to pick a new Marilyn Monroe in an hour.  I'd need, say, fifteen episodes to make such a decision!

chrisian borle

Well this decision needs to be made; we lost Uma Thurman to a peanut allergy!

AND GRACE

And now she's DEAD!  And we are missing her funeral because we need to rehearse!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Who would DO such a thing?

ANJELICA HUSTON

I don't know.  But I'm giving every castmember a gun to protect themselves.  Just in case somebody tries poisoning somebody else.

JACK DAVENPORT

Excyeeeuuussee me?  I don't think--

ANJELICA HUSTON

You're not paid to think.  You're paid to direct.  So choose a Marilyn, and direct!

(answering ringing phone)

Oh hi, Michael Reidel Columnist For The New York Post And Major Name In The World Of Broadway.  What?  No, I don't feel comfortable calling you just Michael, or even Mr. Reidel.  "Michael Reidel Columnist For The New York Post And Major Name In The World Of Broadway" is *way* more natural...

(wanders off)

 

JACK DAVENPORT

Now if you'll all excyeuuuseee me, I need to go look at some costumes!

That HAPPENS.

JACK DAVENPORT

(rummaging through costumes)

As I touch these, I get sense memory!  I can remember the thoughts and feelings of the people who wear these clothes!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I don't think--

JACK DAVENPORT

Katharine, you are my Marilyn!  You have something that Megan Hilty doesn't!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Talent?

JACK DAVENPORT

What?  No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
No.
You have an overemphasized underdog status.  That trumps talent any day!  Marilyn is yours.

some of the creative team

(interrupting)

We are echoing the voice of many audience members by saying that we believe Megan Hilty would do better! 

JACK DAVENPORT

But this is me, shooting you down!

SOME OF THE CREATIVE TEAM

Well clearly then we were wrong about being Team Hilty.  Thanks for taking the time to show us the way!

Suddenly, ELLIS is STANDING BEHIND A THING!

ELLIS

But you just *have* to hire Megan Hilty, you just have to!  Don't you get how I murdered Uma Thurman?

(actual dialogue:)

Everybody knows what I did, I put peanuts in the stupid smoothie, okay?  In a blender, they grind right up!

ANJELICA HUSTON

They grind right up?

ellis

They grind right up!

ANJELICA HUSTON

In a blender?

ellis

In a blender, they grind right up!

ANJELICA HUSTON

Ah.  Clearly I should call the cops.  But instead imma just fire you.

ELLIS

You haven't heard the last of--

ANJELICA HUSTON

(shoots Ellis in the face, who immediately falls DEAD to the ground)

Got that, chorus members?  That's how you use your handguns.

scene: rehearsal with Katharine mcphee as marilyn

and grace

Here, Katharine McPhee, these are the only lyrics I didn't *dramatically* rip out of my notebook and crumple up.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Great, I will learn these.

WILL CHASE

Hey Debra Messing, I need to talk with you.  I am still in love with you and/or rape-y.  And I--

Lights suddenly shut off.

JACK DAVENPORT

BLOODY HELL, why are the lights off?

and grace

Plot reasons.

JACK DAVENPORT

Ah right.

WILL CHASE

Plot reasons?  What plot reasons?  What are we talking ab--

BANG!

Thump. 

Another dead theatre person falls to the floor just as lights go back on.

JACK DAVENPORT

Right.  Will somebody get Will Chase's BLOODY BODY offstage?  And not bloody in the British way.

scene: exterior boston

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

Honey, I think I walked in at the perfect moment to see you touch Will Chase's arm,

and grace

But the good is greater than the mistakes!

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

But I'm concerned about how faithful you--

AND GRACE

Also I just shot him in the chest.

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

Like I always said, I trust you!

Enter the sole reason so many casting directors have given up their trade in embarrassment during 2012:

ugh, LEO

FISH AND CHIPS IN BOSTON HOW CAN YOU RESIST.  I EVEN PUT VINEGAR ON ONE.  FOR YOU, DAD.

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

(pushes him into oncoming traffic)

 

ugh, LEO

aaaarrrrrggyyyyyyyyyican'tactdyingwell

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

THE GOOD IS GREATER THAN THE MISTAKES, DEBRA MESSING?  WHAT IF WE ADOPT A KID FROM CHINA AND HE ENDS UP A CHINESE VERSION OF *THAT*!

Brian D'Arcy James sticks Debra Messing's gun into his mouth and pulls the trigger, then falls LIFELESSLY to the floor.

AND GRACE

Totally understandable.

scene: backstage

Megan Hilty meets up with Jack Davenport.

MEGAN HILTY already dressed as marilyn

You called for me?

JACK DAVENPORT

Yup, just wanted to let you know you're still not Marilyn.

MEGAN HILTY ALREADY DRESSED AS MARILYN

What?

JACK DAVENPORT

Yup.  That's all.

He exits.

Enter Bernadette Peters.

MEGAN HILTY ALREADY DRESSED AS MARILYN

Oh Mom Bernadette, everyone hates me!

bernadette mothafucking peters

Don't worry, just wait it out.  Like how everyone lately has conveniently forgotten how much they hated me in Gypsy, and are now deciding that they loved me in the role back then!  Somehow it'll kind of work out in your favor.

Bernadette exits.


MEGAN HILTY ALREADY DRESSED AS MARILYN

Or I could *make* it work in my favor.  Hey Katharine McPhee, here's your husband's engagement ring to you!  You really, really don't want to know where I found it.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(to her fiancee)

IS THIS TRUE?

katharine mcphee's fiancee

I'm sorry, I--

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I'm tired of you cheating and apologizing and cheating and apologizing.

KATHARINE MCPHEE's ex-fiancee

Not the gun, not the gun, not the--

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(shoves the engagement ring's diamond through each of his eyes)

 

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S dying ex-FIANCEE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

(collapses DEAD)

 

KATHARINE MCPHEE

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BLOOD DIAMOND oh god that quip was still better than every SMASH line of dialogue ever.

scene: christian borle and debra messing need to finish a song.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

You okay?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Yup, just orchestrating, which takes me three hours exactly as if it's perfectly-calibrated clockwork.  Debra is writing lyrics right up to the curtain, otherwise what the hell else is she going to do all episode?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

There, there.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Oh, Black Gay Sports Guy.  Art is a sick compulsion.  Art is an ego gone haywire.  Art is a fluffernutter sandwich.  Art is a banana with brown dots.  Art is... is...

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

What?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

I just realized that since you're the only witness to my worst dialogue all series, clearly I'm going to have to shoot you.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

It's been a pleasure.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

(shoots him)

 

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

henriklundquistforthetwentyonesaveeffort!

(dies)

 

Enter Debra Messing.

and grace

I THREW UP!  I NEVER THROW UP!  BUT LAST TIME I THREW UP I WAS PREGNANT!  AND THIS TIME I AM THROWING UP!  SO WHO KNOWS WHAT THE REASON FOR ME THROWING UP COULD BE!  I'LL NEVER TELL!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Hey. what the hell is happening to your stomach?

and grace

What do you AAAAAAGGGGHHHH--

A small Chinese baby bursts out of Debra Messing's stomach, KILLING HER in the process before it scampers off.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Eh, that's fine, you were a crappy procrastinating librettist anyway.

scene: anjelica huston and jack davenport talk

ANJELICA HUSTON

I don't think Katharine McPhee can pull the part off!  She's not... what's the phrase... "good at things".

JACK DAVENPORT

I AM AN ARTIST AND A STORYTELLER AND THIS IS MY VISION!  THIS IS WHO SHE IS, AND SHE'S MINE NOW!

ANJELICA HUSTON

NOBODY IN MY production SAY NONSENSE LIKE THAT!

She shoots him.

JACK DAVENPORT

(dying)

great, now My Fair Lady will never come back to broadwa...

(DIES)


ANJELICA HUSTON

That was great practice for my ex-husband, who I hear is coming to see the play!

Enter a visitor.

ANJELICA HUSTON

I see you!

(saying it while she shoots)

BANG!  BANG!

NICK JONAS

(with his LAST BREATH)

No, Anjelica, it's me, Nick Jonas...

ANJELICA HUSTON

Oh I knew who you were.

scene: preview of "Bombshell", with more of those "Shadow marilyn" whosawhatsits.

Enter Katharine McPhee, who actually doesn't look entirely awkward onstage for once!

(But if you're not actually watching SMASH, don't worry--she's still horribly miscast.  Wouldn't want to mislead you.)

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(sings)

LET ME BE YOUR STAR!
LET ME BE YOUR STAR!
AND OTHER SONGS THAT MEGAN HILTY STILL SANG BETTER THAN ME!
INTERSPERSED WITH MEGAN HILTY SINGING THEM
TO REMIND YOU OF THIS!

MEGAN HILTY

NO!  NO MORE REMINDERS!

Megan Hilty takes all the pills ever while she's alone backstage and nobody pays attention.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Well, Megan Hilty's DEAD.  No way she'll be able to be revived from that.  She took every pill ever manufactured, times infinity.

Realizing this, the chorus gathers onstage into Team Hilty and Team McPhee as they fire shots, KILLING each other until there are NO LIVING CHORUS MEMBERS LEFT. 

Every single bullet fired either direction passes through McPhee, who is turned into a bloody piece of SWISS CHEESE by the time it's over.

The dead limbs of chorus members scatter the set.  Various guts lay across steambath towels and baseball uniforms, all awash in blood.  The camera focuses... oh you already read that bit, didn't you?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

(to Anjelica Huston)

YOU!  THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!  Don't you know that you're not supposed to bring a Broadway show from inception to previews in Five Months?  Or at least not give your chorus members guns!

ANJELICA HUSTON

Why, what would *you* have done?

CHRISTIAN BORLE

The same thing I should have done months ago.

Out of nowhere, a martini glass appears in Christian Borle's hand.  He palms it, then throws it at 180 MPH at Anjelica Huston where it kills her

Like, a lot.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

I did it.
I survived SMASH!
I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T DIE!
...
...
So, uh, I guess...

(thumbs through the libretto)

Who wants to see me do this as a one man show?

Before the crowd can cheer, a chandelier falls on him, instantaneously detaching his head from his torso.

Curtains close.

End of SERIES.

THERE ARE NO MORE EPISODES OF
SMASH AND IT DID NOT GET RENEWED.

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