In My Life: Abridged


                              TOURETTE'S THE MUSICAL: 
                       BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T THINK IT COULD HAPPEN
                           An "In My Life" Abridged Script
                                                          By Gil Varod and
                                                      Robert J. Saferstein






            SCENE: PROLOGUE


                                   YOUR PLAYBILL
            WATCH HILL PRODUCTIONS (Producer):
            The Principal of Watch Hill Productions has invested in such
            Broadway shows as "Guys and Dolls", "The Who's Tommy", "The
            Music Man", "Annie Get Your Gun" and "Chicago".


                                   TRANSLATION
            PRODUCER OF GUYS AND DOLLS: "Whatever happened to that guy
            who used to silkscreen shirts for Broadway shows?  You know,
            Watch Hill Productions?"
            PRODUCER OF TOMMY: "You mean that guy from
            http://www.allscreenonline.com ?"


                                   YOUR PLAYBILL
            "In My Life" is Watch Hill Productions' first project as a
            producer.


                                   TRANSLATION
            Holy shit, somebody gave me lotsa money to play with!


                                   YOUR PLAYBILL
            Its principal was inspired to support this musical when he
            heard the most original and memorable score that has come to
            Broadway in decades.


                                   TRANSLATION
            Holy shit!  Somebody gave money to a deaf guy!


                                   AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Hey, I find that offensive.  Making fun of deaf people and
            all.


                                   TRANSLATION
            How about making fun of drunk-drivers and people with
            Tourette's Syndrome?


                                   AUDIENCE MEMBER
            ...


                                   YOUR PLAYBILL
            When life gives you lemons, make a Broadway musical!... that
            tastes like lemons!






            SCENE: A NEW JERSEY DINER IN MANHATTAN.


                                   Projectors turn on to show that WE'RE
                                   MAYBE IN MANHATTAN and that THE SET
                                   DESIGNER WAS LAZY.


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
                          (to guy sitting eating
                           sandwich)
            Oh my god, is it you?  Is it really you?  The guy who I heard
            sing that song that I FELL IN LOVE WITH from the radio from
            that college station that is my favorite station to listen to
            when I'm ALL ALONE at home on Saturday nights painting the
            cat orange and purple while dipping my toes in--
                          (squeals)
            Oh my god!  That guitar!  And the hair!  It must be you!  You
            look EXACTLY how you sound!  I'm so glad I went over to that
            radio station to ask the DJ where I would find you, and how
            he had no problem with my desire to STALK YOU and said you'd
            probably be in a diner, and what do you know, in the 138th
            Diner I look in, what my luck, here you are!  I love you!  I
            love your songs!  You are my soulmate!


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            Fuck, suck, duck!


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Yes, I love Carl Jung too!


                                   Under a harsh spotlight, Romantic
                                   Female Character sings the first of
                                   many generic songs about LIFE in a
                                   MAJOR CHORD and in 4/4 TIME.


                                   The song is done WAY AFTER the dramatic
                                   tension of the scene is over and there
                                   is nothing left to be said.  This is
                                   what is known in some musical theatre
                                   circles as FAILING SONG PLACEMENT 101.


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
                          (all actual lyrics:)
            IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE LOVE
            ON THE WINGS OF A PURE WHITE DOVE!
            WHY DON'T THE STARS ABOVE
            SHINE DOWN WITH ONE TRUE LOVE!
            LIFE IS SUCH A COMPLEX MYSTERY
            WHERE IS THE HUMAN... IN HUMANITY!


                                   AUDIENCE
            I am going to go hang myself now.
                          (does)


                                   Enter LITTLE GIRL.


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Like whoa, who are you?


                                   DEAD GIRL
            I'm a dead LATINA girl who's constantly riding around on a
            shiny new Razor Rollerboard Scooter (TM) from The Sharper
            Image!
                          (smiles at audience)


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Oh, I thought you were a dead BLACK girl who's constantly
            riding around on a shiny new Razor Rollerboard Scooter (TM)
            from The Sharper Image!


                                   DEAD GIRL
            No, I'm definitely Latina, and you can tell this because I'm
            the SISTER of TOURETTE'S BOY!


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            But he's white... Like, Clorox white.  Like, NAZI white.


                                   DEAD GIRL
            Yes, it's multi-ethnic casting in an Autumn musical! 
            Remember when it worked in Brooklyn?


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            No.






            SCENE: A NEW YORK APARTMENT THAT SEEMS TOO NICE FOR A
            CLASSIFIEDS EDITOR TO AFFORD


                                   The apartment is strewn about in
                                   GENERAL MILLS (C) cereal.


                                   Tourette's Boy and Female are in post
                                   coitis bliss on an IKEA BJORKUDDEN
                                   (TM).  They roll onto the KLOFFSTA (R)
                                   and bump into the INGO (TM/R/C).


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Oh.... Oh!.... OH!...


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            Bitch!  Witch!  Snitch!  Twitch!  GHONNAREA!


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            I love you too!


                                   From the flyspace, enter VAUDEVILLIAN
                                   DISTRACTION.


                                   DAVID TURNER
            Hi there!  I'M VERY VERY GAY--Alan Cumming in Cabaret gay--
            and will be the only reason to not leave your seats during
            the intermission!
            ... Also, there isn't one.
            Ever wonder what would happen if this story was... an OPERA? 
            No?  Well, sucks to be you!


                                   David Turner goes into lots of
                                   unnecessary exposition about how he's
                                   some angel-like thing (except that
                                   he's, [and this will be shoved down
                                   your throat like hot lentils] VERY VERY
                                   GAY) and how he's staging an opera
                                   based on the whole story we've been
                                   watching so far.  


                                   DAVID TURNER
            And I'm doing this because apparently God loves Opera, and I
            may or may not be controlling the lives of the main
            characters as I further the Opera's plot!  Following?  
            NO?  WELL ME FRICKING NEITHER!


                                   Enter some gay Pirates.  David Turner
                                   does a dance with the pirates for no
                                   particularly good reason.  And to no
                                   particularly good music for that
                                   matter.


                                   He then pulls out a skeleton and slow
                                   dances with it, trying *really* hard to
                                   sell it.


                                   DAVID TURNER'S MOTHER
                          (cries for her son's soul)


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (feels bad for David Turner.)
                          (and his mother.)
                          (and selves.)


                                   Slow-dance with skeleton continues.  A
                                   bunch of dancing skeletons are
                                   projected onto the background.


                                   LIGHTING BOOTH GUY
            Whoops, sorry... Left my "Corpse Bride" screen saver on.


                                   Lighting booth guy moves mouse cursor.


                                        SCREEN WAKES UP (AND AUDIENCE
                                        DOESN'T) TO:






            SCENE: BACK INTO THE CLUTTERED APARTMENT SET


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Hey redhead friend.


                                   REDHEAD FRIEND
                          (entering into the plot WAY too
                           late to make a damned
                           difference)
            Hey.


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Remember when you used to date that guy, and then he drank
            and crashed his car and he died?


                                   REDHEAD FRIEND
            Yes, you sweltering bitch.
                          (sings a 4/4 Major-chord song
                           about LIFE and her PAST)


                                   REDHEAD FRIEND'S DEAD
                                   BOYFRIEND
                          (DEFINITELY entering into the
                           plot too late for us to
                           care/understand/stay awake)
            I'm here, in heaven, and I'm dead!
                          (sings a 4/4 Major-chord song
                           about DEATH which has no
                           bearing on the plot)


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
                          (in a 4/4 poorly-rhymed song
                           about LIFE which has no
                           bearing on his character)
            I MISS MY MOM!  TOM PALM CALM CD-ROM!!


                                   Tourette Boy's dead mother enters.


                                   DEAD MOTHER
                          (sings in Italian about "LA
                           VITA", in a major 2/4, which
                           has no bearing on anything
                           ever.)
                           (no, just kidding.  4/4.)


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (Still hasn't learned Italian)
                          (see: Light in the Piazza)


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Hey, I thought you had a black latina daughter?






            SCENE: STAPLES


                                   Filing cabinets are all over the place. 
                                   People walk around dressed entirely in
                                   white.  This is HEAVEN, as envisioned
                                   by SOME IDIOT.


                                   Enter a Yankees Stadium Hot Dog Vendor
                                   and David Turner.


                                   GOD (SELLING CRACKERJACKS)
            Hey.  I'm DEFINITELY NOT GOD!
                          (winks)
            Now, listen to my audition for the opera that I have
            commissioned to watch... that I want to audition for... Or
            something.


                                   He sings a stupid song about KENTUCKY
                                   FRIED CHICKEN, followed by another
                                   about MEINEKE MUFFLERS, and a cute
                                   ditty about OSCAR MEYER WEI--


                                   DAVID TURNER
                          (in fabulous Alexander McQueen
                           couture)
            What the hell is going on?  Product placement was tacky
            enough.  Now we're singing full-out commercials?  Where's the
            director?


                                   DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
                          (entering)
            What's up, David?


                                   DAVID TURNER
            Isn't this a bit gratuitous?  Can't we remove this sh--
            Well frankly, we could remove every song in this show and
            you'd never notice any of them gone...
            But can't these product placement ads go?


                                   DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
            They're rejected TV commercial songs written by the
            composer/lyricist after he got the Oscar for the song "You
            Light Up My Life".


                                   DAVID TURNER
            That's absurd.  I want to speak to the Composer/Lyricist.


                                   DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
                          (exits)


                                   COMPOSER/LYRICIST 
                                   JOSEPH BROOKS
                          (enters)
            Yes?


                                   DAVID TURNER
            Director Jos... What?


                                   COMPOSER/LYRICIST 
                                   JOSEPH BROOKS
            Oh, you wanted Director Joseph Brooks?  Composer/Lyricist
            Joseph Brooks can get Director Joseph Brooks if you want.
                          (exits)


                                   DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
                          (enters)
            Hey David, you called?


                                   DAVID TURNER
            ...


                                   DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
            Joseph Brooks likes his Oscar. :)


                                   DAVID TURNER
            You're fucking kidding me.  I will not speak with you.


                                   DIRECTOR JOSEPH BROOKS
            Director Joseph Brooks doesn't understand.  Do you want to
            speak to the Composer/Lyricist again?


                                   DAVID TURNER
            No... Just... There's gotta be somebody else on this project. 
            A bookwriter, right?


                                   LIBRETTIST JOSEPH BROOKS
                          (entering)
            Hiya! :D


                                   DAVID TURNER
                          (pliés off. But an ANGRY plié!)


                                   Little girl enters.


                                   GOD
            Hey there little girl!


                                   STUPID LITTLE GIRL FROM THE
                                   BEGINNING OF THE PLAY
                          (winking like a whore)
            Hey, "AL"!  Have you "written any commandments lately"?  Have
            you "smitten any sodomites"?  Have you "parted any seas"? 
            Have--


                                   GOD
            I think they get it.  But ya wanna pretend that they don't
            get the OBVIOUS "CLUES"?


                                   ANNOYING LITTLE 
                                   DIPSHIT OF A GIRL
            Yeah, sure...
                          (sighs. But badly, because
                           she's a child actor)
            Well in that case, how old am I?


                                   GOD
            Huh?


                                   LITTLE GIRL
            SEGUE INTO DREAM BALLET!


                                   Girl dances in 4/4 about LIFE.


                                   Mother joins in song, but now singing
                                   in English because JOSEPH BROOKS has no
                                   concept of DRAMATIC CONTINUITY.


                                   REDHEAD FRIEND'S 
                                   DEAD BOYFRIEND
            Hey, little girl, I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry that
            when I did the drunk-driving thing, I killed you.


                                   LITTLE GIRL
            That's okay.  No worries.


                                   AUDIENCE
            She was killed by dead boyfriend?  Oh.... Well... that would
            be... Kinda revelatory... You know... if I CARED ABOUT EITHER
            CHARACTER.


                                   REDHEAD FRIEND'S 
                                   DEAD BOYFRIEND
                          (4/4 major chords)
            OH LIFE,
            OH LIFE,
            SOMETHING SOMETHING *LIFE*,
                          (more real lyrics:)
            IF I COULD COME BACK JUST ONE MORE TIME...
            I'D WATCH OUT FOR THE ONE-WAY SIGN!


                                   Joseph Brooks gets the equivalent of
                                   whatever's the exact opposite of the
                                   Edward Kleban award for Lyrics.






            SCENE: HOSPITAL


                                   DAVID TURNER
            Well, to make my opera more interesting, let's give the
            orphan boy with Tourette's a TUMOR!
                          (looks at Joseph Brooks)
            You're a sick bastard, you know?


                                   MULTI-UNTALENTED 
                                   JOSEPH BROOKS
            Joseph Brooks says that--


                                   DAVID TURNER
            No, I mean it.  You're going straight to Hell.


                                   The Tourette's Boy has an MRI and is
                                   PROGNOSED VIA SONG!


                                   DOCTOR
            We are going to operate.  And if we don't operate now, you're
            going to go blind.  And you'll lose your memory.  And your
            sense of hearing will deteriorate, and you will experience
            hemorrhaging.  
            And then you will die.


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            DIE FIE LIE SIGH MY CRY BUY PENIS PENIS PENIS!


                                   AUDIENCE
            ...wait... the orphan boy with Tourette's has just been
            condemned to die, and we're supposed to laugh because he said
            the word "Penis"?


                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
                          (overly-dramatic)
            We could save your sight if we operate now.  If not, it will
            BE TOO LATE.


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            No!  I will not be operated upon!


                                   Tourette's boy sings a Major song in--
                                   watch for it--4/4!


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
                          (singing)
            I MUST HAVE FAITH
            I MUST BE STRONG
            I MUST DO RIGHT
            I WON'T DO WRONG
            I JUST WILL NOT
            BE OPERATED ON!


                                   The tourette's boy makes the decision
                                   to die, for no apparent reason.  Song
                                   ends on a button and then pauses for
                                   applause for some reason.


                                   Of course, by now the Audience has
                                   suspected that there's no intermission,
                                   and have begun to pelt the actors with
                                   organic produce.






            SCENE: SAME NEW YORK APARTMENT.


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            You don't know that I have a tumor.  SO, let's get married!


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Of course!
                          (to audience)
            If I were a well-rounded character, this would be the point
            in the plot that I would contemplate the consequences of
            marrying a boy whom I hardly know.  


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            FUCK SUCK DUCK!

                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            But tourette's is just so damn cute!
                          (to BOY)
            And if there's anything that these past ~18 hours of dating
            you has taught me, it's that you're my soulmate, and that I
            am a lonely, pathetic horny girl.  Also, I work at the
            Village Voice, so my life can only get better.


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            I lied.  I have a tumor and I'm going to die.


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Boo.






            SCENE: HOSPITAL


                                   HEAD DOCTOR
            Quick doctors, get him ready for an operation!


                                   Doctors get him prepped for OR, which
                                   apparently consists of putting a flying
                                   harness on our favorite Tourette's
                                   Poster Child.


                                   He flies to heaven via plainly-visible
                                   wires.  Audience laughs as main
                                   character "dies".


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            I don't want to go to heaven!  I want to write more music!
                          (singing)
            I HAVE SO MANY SONGS!
            I HAVE SO MANY SONGS!
            STORIES OF PASSION
            STORIES OF FRIENDSHIP
            AND TALES OF HOW ROMANCE SURVIVES--


                                   "A NEW BRAIN"
                                   COMPOSER WILLIAM FINN
            You know, normally I'd care, but it's hard to care about
            theft from a show that'll close before this Abridge even hits
            the web.


                                   "RAGTIME" SONGWRITERS LYNN
                                   AHRENS AND STEPHEN FLAHERTY
            You know, there's something strangely familiar about "Your
            Daddy's Son"... er... we mean, "My Mother's Son".


                                   CLAUDE-MICHEL SCHONBERG 
                                   AND ALAIN BOUBLIL
                                   [SONGWRITERS OF SUCH LES MIS
                                   HITS AS "A HEART FULL OF LOVE"
                                   AND "IN MY LIFE"]
            Yeah, well...






            SCENE: OFFICE-DEPOT/OFFICE-MAX (HEY, CAN ANYBODY ACTUALLY
            EVER TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHICH ONE'S WHICH?)


                                   GOD-DAMNED GIRL
            You must help my brother survive this Tumor!


                                   GOD
            No.


                                   GOD-DAMNED GIRL
            Yes.


                                   GOD
            Fine.  


                                   God sings a song about how once again
                                   in his LIFE, he's got a path to choose,
                                   and he must make a choice.


                                   Wait... God has a LIFE?  And a path? 
                                   REAL FUCKING DEEP, eh?


                                   GOD
            David Turner, get your gay gayness in here, and be gay about
            it.


                                   DAVID TURNER
            I'm quitting this show tomorrow.


                                   GOD
                          (ignoring)
            I need you to put together a wedding.


                                   DAVID TURNER
                          (heart swells to three times
                           the size)
            Yay!


                                   GOD
            Wow.  You, the selfish angel, suddenly gained HEART!


                                   DAVID TURNER
            It's not like Joseph Brooks was going to.


                                   IMPERIALIST JOSEPH BROOKS
            Jospeh Brooks thinks--


                                   DAVID TURNER
            I said you shut up or you lose a toe.






            SCENE: WEDDING


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            I do.


                                   TOURETTE'S BOY
            I DO SHOE FOO FLUE BOO BLUE!


                                   "ROMANTIC" FEMALE CHARACTER
            Wait... We never got to see how you recovered from your 
            tum--


                                   WORTHLESS LITTLE GIRL
            And so my brother didn't die, and they got married.  And the
            moral of this story is, don't drive drunk, because that's how
            I DIED.  So have a good life.  And take a risk.  Because life
            can turn on a dime.
                          (pause)
            But if you drive drunk, you're going to hell.  Just like
            Joseph Brooks.


                                        BLACKOUT.






            EPILOGUE:


                                   "In My Life" closed soon after opening
                                   night, but quickly transferred to
                                   Germany.


                                   It has been playing there for the past
                                   fifteen years starring David Hasselhoff
                                   and Deborah Gibson.


                                   Remember her?


Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts


RECENT BLOG ENTRIES

Review: Quidam
There is a joke about every Disney theme park ride in the world being the same thing over and…
Blue Man Group: Revisited
"Is there anything I need to know about Blue Man Group going in?"How do you even describe Blue Man Group?…
Macbeth on Broadway
Alan Cumming is back on Broadway doing a limited run of his tour-de-force almost-one-man Macbeth, and it is a must-see. …
Les Miserables The Movie: Abridged
"Papa, Mister Hooper's camera is getting awfully close. ""Yes Cosette, that's called a 'bad touch'."…

ITBA

BROADWAY ABRIDGED LIVE! (THE CD)


Volume 1: Even More Musicals comedy album available for sale on iTunes/Amazon.