SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 14:
THE NIGHT YOU DECIDED TO PLAY THE SMASHED DRINKING GAME

A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod

scene: previously on smash

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Hello Megan Hilty, do you want to sleep together?

MEGAN HILTY

What, have one person sleep with another--almost randomly?

TAKE A DRINK: People sleep around just for the sake of "Dramatic TV".

you

(taking a drink)

It's gonna be a long, drunk hour.

scene: katharine mcphee's boyfriend in bed.

BOYFRIEND lays in bed.

He re-adjusts his sleeping.

He opens his eyes.

He turns his head.

Camera SLOWLY pans up to reveal...

...

...

MEGAN HILTY

(who is in bed with KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND!)

Hi.

TAKE A DRINK: a reveal happens of something that you already knew.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

(takes a drink)

Ugh, it's too early in the morning for this.

scene: final rehearsal

and grace

Well, I'm here in Boston, and with my family, cause it's conveniently Spring Break.  In May.

will chase

Hi, Debra Messing's family.  And bye.

the worst child actor in all of history

am I the only one who enjoyed that

shrek without makeup

Enjoyed what?  Enjoyed watching the man who RUINED OUR FAMILY see the family he ruined?

TAKE A DRINK: Debra Messing's son has no idea how the world works.

THE WORST CHILD ACTOR IN ALL OF HISTORY

i don't understand

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

(force-feeding a full bottle of 99 Bananas down his son's throat)

NO, NOW *YOU* TAKE A DRINK.

THE WORST CHILD ACTOR IN ALL OF HISTORY

ugh oh god it tastes like the worst alcohol ever

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

IT'S THE *YOU* OF ALCOHOL, YOU WASTE OF SPERM!

Anjelica Huston talks to some costume person on the phone:

anjelica huston

We needed those costumes yesterday.

whoever is on the phone with her

When is your first performance?

ANJELICA HUSTON

Tonight.

WHOEVER IS ON THE PHONE WITH HER

Then you needed them last week, duh.

TAKE A DRINK: a writer presumes that the general public audience doesn't understand even the most basic obvious aspects of putting on a play.

female chorusmember

Katharine McPhee, can you phone Megan Hilty?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Sure.

FEMALE CHORUSMEMBER

She needs to be here on time, after what happened in HEAVEN ON EARTH where she MADE A MISTAKE, she CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE MISTAKES, because that would be TOO MANY MISTAKES, and MAYBE YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED that one time she MADE THAT MISTAKE.

FINISH YOUR DRINK: stuff you already knew is regurgitated for you like you've never seen TV before.

MEGAN HILTY

I'm here, sorry I'm late.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(innocently)

That's fine, nobody noticed. 

MEGAN HILTY

I bet you didn't, you sweltering bitch.

TAKE A DRINK: Katharine McPhee says something innocent but lack of acting skill makes it actually come out bitchy.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I just want to let you know that *I* didn't know that you were being cheated on.

megan hilty

Ugh, bitch.  Oh, by the way, SMIRK.

TAKE A DRINK: someone knows something, and smirks while holding it over someone else's head.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

DAMMIT.

(takes her drink)

scene: first preview performance

uma thurman

(singing)

FADE IN ON A GIRL
SURROUNDED BY OTHER GIRLS
WHO ARE ALL TRAPPED LIKE MIMES IN WEIRD BOXES

TAKE A DRINK: Something happens in the musical-within-the-show that makes no sense.

cut to:

Marc Kudisch is now playing a studio executive.

broadway's marC kudisch

I need Marilyn Monroe, bring her to me!

TAKE A DRINK: A real-life talented Broadway performer is too good to be on SMASH.

MEGAN HILTY

(singing)

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED A CHORUSMEMBER?

TAKE A DRINK: Megan Hilty or Katharine McPhee get a hunk of singing stagetime in a musical where they are playing Chorus Members...

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(singing)

WHY NOT JUST HAVE A CHORUSMEMBER!

... and FINISH YOUR DRINK if *both* do.

BROADWAY'S MARC KUDISCH

(finishes his drink)

MEGAN HILTY and katharine mcphee

(singing)

I'M GONNA BE A SMASH!
YES I'M GONNA BE A SMASH!
THIS SONG IS CALLED... SMASH!
LIKE THE SHOW'S TITLE... SMASH!

BROADWAY'S MARC KUDISCH

(takes a dri--)

Oh wait, somehow "Song With Title Of TV Show" is not a drinking moment?  No matter.  Another for wasting me, then.

(takes that drink)

scene: after the show

MEGAN HILTY

KATHARINE MCPHEE, you were really good.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

thanks.

TAKE A DRINK: Someone tells Katharine McPhee how impossibly good she was in case you aren't sure.

TAKE A DRINK: Katharine McPhee is wearing a wig that she looks ridiculous in.

TAKE A DRINK: Katharine McPhee delivers a line without any sort of feeling.

HAT TRICK!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Megan Hilty, this is my boyfriend. YOU GUYS NEVER MET.

FINISH YOUR DRINK: stuff you already knew is regurgitated for you like you're four fucking years old.

AND GRACE

Our ending is terrible!  This musical is awful! 

TAKE A DRINK: Someone in the show admits that their Marilyn Monroe Musical looks shitty.

scene: a lobby in boston that marc shaiman plays piano in.

ellis

Was that Marc Shaiman trying to sneak a Catch Me If You Can tune into the background of this scene?  Anyway, I think I know how to properly direct Uma Thurman.

TAKE A DRINK: Ellis thinks he knows everything.

ELLIS

Because you see Uma Thurman sucks in this sucky musical.

TAKE A DRINK: Someone in the show admits a new way that their Marilyn Monroe Musical is something that would never possibly make it on Broadway.

HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE: You no longer find ELLIS to be the show's most agitating character, not by a longshot.

scene: jack davenport and megan hilty talk

MEGAN HILTY

Why did you sleep with Uma Thurman?

jack davenport

Because Uma Thurman is a star and the only way to cater to her is to fuck her.  Can you think of any other way to be professional?

MEGAN HILTY

I guess not.

SWIG OF ABSINTHE: You kind want to forget the past five minutes of what was supposedly "dialogue".

HAVE A FOUR LOKO: Jack Davenport delivers  aforementioned awful dialogue without giving away that he has no idea what the fuck his character's talking about.

scene: let's see more of the extremely unlikeable character that theresa rebeck supposedly based on herself.

will chase

Debra Messing, I still want to continue cheating on my wife with you!

and grace

No.

WILL CHASE

FINE THEN.

Now, my DVR skipped for a minute but I presume Will Chase RAPES HER here.

No, this is not a drinking moment, you sick bastard.

AND GRACe

Christian Borle, I am angry at you because you let Will Chase back into the show.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

But we needed someone to play that part!

and grace

My family is going to fall apart now and it's all your fault.

TAKE A DRINK: A character doesn't say the obvious thing that they should to defend themselves sensibly.

CHRISTIAn borle

You mean, like how our partnership is going to break up NOT because I let Will Chase play DiMaggio again, but because Debra Messing couldn't keep from BEING A CHEATING BITCH?

YES, like that.

christian borle

(drinks)

scene: church

black gay sports guy

You should come to church with me, Christian Borle.

christian borle

I'm Jewish.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Oh that's okay, Jesus doesn't mind.

HAVE A HAM SANDWICH: The show offends an entire subset of the American population in one line.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I'm a white girl who's not from around here, can I improvisationally solo in your Baptist church, Black Gay Sports Guy?

FINISH A SIXPACK: You get overwhelmed trying to figure out which handful of things you should be drinking for.

scene: hotel room

MEGAN HILTY

Someone (finally, in this episode) put peanuts in Uma Thurman's smoothie, thus trying to kill her!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

So I guess the real question is...

chorus

WHO'S GOING TO PLAY MARILYN?

MEGAN HILTY

And not who tried to purposefully MURDER a human being?  No?  Is that less important?

TAKE NO DRINKS.

BECAUSE YOU NEED *SOMETHING* LEFT TO GET THROUGH ONE MORE EPISODE.

blackout.