Possible guest post from Howard Kissel!

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Folks:

Wanted to apologize in advance that I never abridged Brighton Beach Memoirs. It came and went so fast that it seems too late now.

But:

This gives me the opportunity to introduce you to the newest Broadway Abridged segment, Possible Guest Post, where a guest post may or may not have (but very likely hasn't) written a Broadway Abridged blog post. Today's guest post may or may not be Howard Kissel!

Howard Kissel

I may or may not actually be Howard Kissel

Update: Probably Not Howard Kissel
Wednesday, November 04, 2009


So. I was saddened to learn that a particularly good production of Neil Simon's "Brighton Beach Memoirs," which opened last Sunday, closed this Sunday.

This news has been attributed in some quarters to the death of The Neil Simon Audience. AND EVERY WORD OF IT IS ENTIRELY TRUE!

This is terrible! Remember after World War II when Broadway was great? Seriously guys. So much better than it is now. So much! It was mostly because of Jews, of course. Listen, imagine if back then, Arthur Miller and Tennessee Williams weren't household names. Then I would have never left Milwaukee, and I wouldn't be writing to you today! Then where would you be? Jewless, I'm sure. Wait, am I Jewish? Probably. Pretty sure. I don't have a wikipedia page at the moment. Nathan Lane seems Jewish, but he's not! Little known Howard Kissel tidbit there!

Can I tell you what sucks today? Tourists who come to New York don't want to see an evening of "real" intelligent theater. They want to see this newfangled "Rock and Roll" stuff, which I just heard about yesterday. Also, Broadway's too political! And that turned people away, because when they wanted to go to Broadway for intelligence, they were all like, shit, now there's politics in theater, so you can imagine how THAT cleared the houses right up. Nobody wants to see politics onstage or in film or anything! All that happened in the 60s, which was right after the BROADWAY WAS BEST BACK WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE age. Now they're trendy and smug. Back when life was perfect and couldn't possibly get any better in the 50s, they weren't smug. Or... they were, but in better ways.

El Oh El.

So let's see... it's tourists' faults for not being more intelligent. And it's Broadway's fault for getting too intelligent by being political. And most of all, it's the young people who are ruining it by generally fucking up everything. Fuck you, young people. FUCK YOU.

Because yes, you're in New York for the weekend and you get only one or two plays to see, and we all know that. So if you don't like spending $110 going to Neil Simon shows you saw for $10 in Witchita, and don't like spending $110 to listen to me and a couple hundred more people do that creepy pulls-you-out-of-the-play "old Jewish laugh" when that little curly-haired kid does something that reminds me how *precious* my grandson is, and if you don't like to spend $110 because you insist on that fundamental truth which is that barely any plays work better on-Broadway than off-Broadway unless they have famous people in them, then you don't count as a "Broadway Audience". Not my Broadway Audience. And I don't need you, because there are plenty of us who are happy to see Matthew Broderick smirk for 100 minutes in another Roundabout show.

And why can't shows start at 7pm so I can have my nice 5pm earlybird din-din, and get home in time for Jay Leno, the funniest man ever in the history of man? Put him on Broadway.

Sincerely,
Definitely Not Howard Kissel

1 Comment

What's wrong with rock operas, person who may not be Howard Kissel? I think that Next to Normal is probably the best play on Broadway right now (I have not seen all of them). It's a shame that it's doing poorly.

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