101 DALMATIANS ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                                    WORST IN SHOW
                                                    A Deep-Dish Guest Script
                                                      Of Something Else That
                                                     Blows In The Windy City
                                                by The Unprofessional Critic





            SCENE: THE HALF-FULL CADILLAC PALACE THEATRE IN CHICAGO.


                                   As the lights dim, the SEASON TICKET
                                   HOLDERS realize they are surrounded by
                                   ACTUAL CHILDREN and begin counting the
                                   minutes till intermission when they can
                                   switch seatswhile praying that said
                                   CHILDREN keep their drooly mouths shut.


                                   Onstage, the silhouette of a REAL DOG
                                   howls, then a MAN in a SHIT-SPLATTERED
                                   THREE-PIECE WHITE SUIT pops out from
                                   behind the curtain.


                                   Oh, wait.  


                                   Those are SPOTS!


                                   MAN IN SHIT SUIT
            Hello!  I'm a dalmatian doggy who's not named Pongo--really,
            I have no purpose in this story other to serve as a narrator
            in a really, really tired plot device that should have been
            retired in 1972!  
            Aaaanyway, it's awesome to be a dog because we totally
            control our humans!


                                   Curtain opens to reveal a bevy of
                                   adults and children dressed in normal
                                   clothes but spastically jumping around
                                   in a way that is supposed to suggest
                                   DOG but really suggests NATALIE PORTMAN
                                   IN GARDEN STATE.


                                   AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF
                                   DISBELIEF
            Okay, whatever.  I've seen Honk! and The Lion King.  I'll
            stick around.
            But wait, how are they going to do the...


                                   Enter DOG-OWNING HUMAN CHARACTERS on
                                   STILTS.


                                   AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF
                                   DISBELIEF
            Oh. God.


                                   STUPID ANNOYING DOG-PEOPLE
            IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG
            BECAUSE WE TOTALLY MIND-CONTROL HUMANS
            AND WE'RE GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT
            THAT WHEN THE "HUMANS" PUT THE "DOGS" ON LEASHES
            IT'S REALLY FUCKING DISTURBING 
            AND BRINGS "PULP FICTION" TO MIND
            YAAAAAAAY!


                                   Enter PONGO and PER--


                                   MRS. PONGO.  Because this is not based
                                   on the Disney movie, and in the British
                                   book Pongo's dog-wife doesn't deserve a
                                   name.


                                   PONGO is humped by a little girl
                                   dressed as a poodle.  It's just as
                                   uncomfortable as it sounds.


                                   PONGO
            Oh honey, wouldn't it be great to have kids?


                                   MRS. PONGO
            Ewwwwww!  Babies are gross!


                                   Then she HUMPS HER OWNER before being
                                   put on a leash.






            INT. BRITISH DOG-OWNER COUPLE'S HOUSE, WITH A FEMALE COOK AND
            MALE-BUTLER-WHO-IS-INEXPLICABLY-PLAYED-BY-WOMAN.


                                   FEMALE COOK
            Cockney rubbish loverly glottal stop!  I'm in love with you!


                                   SHEMALE BUTLER
            The rine in Spine falls minely on the pline!  
            This secretly-in-love plot device will never be mentioned
            again.


                                   MRS. PONGO
            Guess what?  I'm totes preggers!


                                   PONGO
                          (hops up on AWKWARD CARDBOARDY
                           COUCH)
            Noooooooo!
                          (sings Generic Song(TM) about
                           being a Dad)


                                   BRITISH COUPLE ON STILTS
            Let's go for a walk!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Yawn.  Where's Sara Gettelfinger?  
            By the way, wasn't Cruella DeVil supposed to be played by
            Rachel York?  I'm sure I saw at least one article about--


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
            SILENCE--oooooof!


                                   She trips on her stilts but still
                                   manages to out act the entire cast with
                                   this one klutzy move.


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
            I am Cruella DeVil and I'm going to try to overshadow this
            utterly awkward way of separating the dog characters from the
            people characters with my utter fabulousness and chewing of
            the cardboard scenery!


                                   It works.  Almost.


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
            Now British couple, which I vaguely know from school or
            something, I DEMAND you come to my house for a fur party. 
            It's like a purse party, but with vehement protests from
            PETA!  Bwahahahahahaha!


                                   BRITISH COUPLE
            Forget the fact that we really didn't like you in school or
            whatever, we're totally British and polite, plus you're on
            stilts too, meaning we have to do whatever you say!






            SCENE: CRUELLA'S HOUSE.


                                   BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL
            You know what this show needs?  A CAT.  Played by a slutty
            spandex-clad dancer who talks like a phone sex operator. 
            Because that's NEVER BEEN DONE EVER when a human plays a cat! 
            And then we can make at least one vague "pussy" joke for the
            grown-ups in the audience!


                                   THE GROWN-UPS IN THE
                                   AUDIENCE
            Lame.


                                   CAT minces around and rubs against
                                   Cruella's HUSBAND, who is a GAY
                                   STEREOTYPE, the MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION
                                   in fact.


                                   BIG GAY HUSBAND
            If I were any fruitier, I'd be a can of Hi-C in a frilly tutu
            spackled with glitter!  Lisssssssssssssp!


                                   CAT
                          (to PONGO and MRS. P)
            By the way, she totally skins animals here.


                                   CRUELLA sings a song about the
                                   awesomeness of furs, accompanied by a
                                   stageful of "humans" on stilts doing
                                   choppy approximations of choreography.


                                   COMPOSER DENNIS DEYOUNG OF
                                   STYX
            Screw "Come Sail Away"--
            this shall be my life-changing impact on the next generation.


                                   Enter ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT-STAINED
                                   SUIT.


                                   ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT
                                   STAINED SUIT
            So Pongo and the missus had FUCKED, which means she was going
            to have a BABY!  But then the vet was shocked because there
            was MORE THAN ONE PUPPY popping out of her uterus!


                                   THE WORST VET IN THE WORLD
            Gasp!


                                   ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT
                                   STAINED SUIT
            So then there were puppies, all played by children of various
            ages, ethnicities, and stereotypes!


                                   PUPPY SO JEWISH IT'S 
                                   SURPRISING HE'S NOT WEARING
                                   A YARMULKE
            Oy vey!


                                   AFRICAN-AMERICAN GIRL PUPPY
            Sassy!


                                   ASIAN GIRL PUPPY
            I'm the smart one!


                                   AUGUSTUS GLOOP LOOKALIKE
                                   PUPPY
            Where's the chocolate river?


                                   GIRL PUPPY ON VERGE OF
                                   PUBERTY
            Holy shit, my name is ROLY-POLY?


                                   BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL
            Yeah, what of it?


                                   PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY
            Have you not heard of Tracey Gold?


                                   BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL
            Oh yeah, the fat chick on Growing Pains.  So?


                                   PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY
            I am so billing you for therapy.  And by the way, I could use
            a better bra.


                                   PUPPIES screech and run around and
                                   execute choreography in an exact
                                   imitation of the "Whose Line Is It
                                   Anyway?" where Wayne Brady played a
                                   precocious child.


                                   101 Dalmatians: just like Annie, minus
                                   the nostalgia and ten times the
                                   grating!


                                   SHIT-SPLATTERED NARRATOR
            So Pongo and his wife couldn't handle all these screeching
            brats and there's no Supernanny for dogs, so they instead got
            inspiration from Big Love and . . . brought in a sister wife!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oh, so THIS is Perdita?


                                   Enter PERDITA...
                                   Wait, it's Emma from the Legally Blonde
                                   reality show that like 5 people
                                   watched! (Emma, you were robbed, BTW.)


                                   EMMA PERDITA SISTER-WIFE
            Hello!  I apparently have no real owner and nothing better to
            do than enable the fiendish behavior of your heinous little
            brats... oh, and sing a song about my long-lost babydaddy and
            puppies!


                                   She sings "I Dreamed a Dream (for
                                   Dogs)".


                                   PONGO AND MRS. PONGO
            Wow, I wonder if THAT will become important later?  Nah! 
            Let's go have a threesome while the puppies screech around
            the backyard!


                                   The threesome would be gross, but way
                                   more interesting than what happens
                                   next:


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
                          (chewing the cardboard scenery
                           and wishing she were back in
                           Grey Gardens)
            Bwahahahahahaha!  Now that the grown-up humans and dogs are
            gone, I shall distract Cook-ney with a song about cooking
            while my two thugs dressed in black carry off kicking
            children so that even the spinster audience members who don't
            even want children think of Jaycee Dugard and have
            nightmares!


                                   She DOES, and they DO.


                                   FEMALE COCKNEY COOK
            Blaw blaw blaw sellingflowers incompetent!


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
            By the way, riddle me this Cook: why the hell do the dogs all
            have American accents when we're in London?  Doesn't a dog
            have its own bark in every country?


                                   Enter DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS, who pokes
                                   SARA GETTELFINGER with his gettel
                                   finger and knocks her off her stilts.


                                   DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
            That'll teach you to ask questions!


                                   PONGO AND MRS. PONGO
            O noes, the puppies are gone!  What on earth shall we do? 
            Let's do the Twilight Bark gossip chain Twitter precursor and
            then go on the road!


                                   PERDITA SISTER-WIFE
            What about me?  They technically suckle on me too!  The
            script even heavily implied it!


                                   PONGO AND MRS. PONGO
            Stay here with the humans that we mind-control.


                                   PERDITA SISTER-WIFE 
                          (who happens to be Jerry Zaks'
                           daughter)
            Bark!


                                   PONGO AND MRS. PONGO
            But who will help us?


                                   JAMAICAN CARICATURE PLAYED
                                   BY A WHITE GUY
            Yah, mon!


                                   He sings a song about being motivated
                                   or something, followed by a bunch of
                                   oddly dressed PEOPLE who are probably
                                   DOGS because they are not on STILTS,
                                   including a SCOTTISH HIPSTER DOG with
                                   two WHORES.


                                   SCOTTISH HIPSTER DOG
            Here you are!  Hell Hall!


                                   PONGO AND MRS. PONGO
            But . . . WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHER PUPPIES?


                                   The OTHER DOGGIES are played by a few
                                   actual Dalmatians--who are way too big
                                   to be puppies--CARDBOARD CUTOUTS.


                                   Yes, CARDBOARD CUTOUTS.


                                   That are obviously CARDBOARD CUTOUTS.
                                   Even from the nosebleed seats.


                                   AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF
                                   DISBELIEF
            G'bye!






            SCENE: INTERMISSION...


                                   ...when any childless adults who
                                   haven't run screaming for the exits
                                   stay in their seats because they are
                                   writing a Broadway Abridged.






            SCENE: ACT TWO-- HELL HALL... NOW WITH CARDBOARD!


                                   Annoying Shit-Splattered Narrator does
                                   a BLATANT PURINA PLUG.


                                   JEWISH BOY PUPPY
            Ach, let's all sing through our noses and gyrate in a schizo
            doggie hip-hop!


                                   PUPPIES
                          (actual lyric)
            SHOW 'EM WHAT THE KIDS CAN DO!  YEAH!


                                   PONGO
            Hey, kids!  Here we are to rescue you!  But what about these
            poor cardboard cutouts?


                                   MRS. PONGO
            We can't just abandon the cardboard cutouts!


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
                          (sounding more and more like
                           Little Edie Beale)
            Obligatory comic villains, time to KILL THE DOGS, which are
            really children that we have imprisoned in a yard!


                                   OBLIGATORY COMIC VILLAINS
            Righto!  But first, we must sing a "Brush Up Your
            Shakespeare" wannabe about being obsessed with a show called,
            and we are not making this up, "What's My Crime"?


                                   They DO, having obviously never heard
                                   of "federal pound me in the ass
                                   prison."


                                   DOGS
            Let's escape to Benny Hill music!


                                   GUARD DOG
            Hey, wait!  I am a GUARD DOG and this is my TABBY CAT, and
            you can't make a sufficient journey without dispelling the
            creepy child slavery and polygamy overtones of this musical
            with a song about being a FAMILY!  Now MARCH, bitches!


                                   Oh, and a TAP OFF with no TAP SHOES. 


                                   Thrilling.


                                   GODDAMN SHIT-SPLATTED
                                   NARRATOR
            Cruella was pissed when she found out, but the obnoxious
            Dalmatian people-dogs were welcomed by all.
            Except... for the Scary Ethnic Stereotypes, I mean Gypsies.


                                   AUDIENCE is starting to empathize with
                                   CRUELLA.  All the single ladies... pop
                                   some extra birth control.


                                   GYPSIES
            Let's force them to do tricks and make them part of our show,
            thus injecting MORE child slavery into a show that's already
            had way too much!


                                   JEWISH BOY PUPPY
            I'm getting schpilkes!  Let's escape!


                                   AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL PUPPY
            Mmm-hmm!


                                   ASIAN GIRL PUPPY
            Still the smart one!


                                   PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY
            Hey, why the hell are you hiding me in the back?


                                   CHOREOGRAPHER
            Because God hates fatties.


                                   During the course of a musical number,
                                   the PUPPIES tie up the GYPSIES and
                                   escape.


                                   But wait, where are the CARDBOARD
                                   CUTOUTS?


                                   PIGTAILED GIRL PUPPY
            Do you think Boy Puppy likes me, Mommy?  Am I pretty?


                                   MRS. PONGO
            Um, aren't you related?


                                   Well, kids in captivity: figures we'd
                                   get a Flowers in the Attic moment.


                                   BOY PUPPY
            Daddy, what happens in the bushes?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Thanks a fucking lot for putting dog-sex in my head again.


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
            Haha, now I'm ACTUALLY going to kill you!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Promise?  The sooner the performance ends, the sooner much
            needed revisions can be made.  Let's start by axing ALL
            references to dog sex made by CHILDREN!


                                   All DOGS escape, except for PUBERTY
                                   PUP, because it's hard to run without
                                   proper chestal support.  Trust me.


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER brings down the house
                                   with a crappy song she's way too good
                                   for.


                                   PONGO
            Let's cover ourselves with soot!


                                   Dogs MOLEST THEMSELVES while REAL DOGS
                                   run across the stage and SARA
                                   GETTELFINGER trips over her stilts. 
                                   Again.


                                   Then she crashes her CARDBOARD CAR into
                                   the CARDBOARD HOUSE and there's a
                                   CARDBOARD FIRE.


                                   SARA GETTELFINGER
            Aaaaand  . . . I'm left to die.  To literally incinerate
            while moaning and saying, "I'm in heat."


                                   CHILD IN AUDIENCE
            I don't know it yet, but this has scarred me!


                                   AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF
                                   DISBELIEF
            Don't look at me . . . I'm getting drunk down the street!


                                   STUPID PERKY NARRATOR
            And then she died while having an orgasm!  Meanwhile, the dog
            owners were DEPRESSED.


                                   DOGS are now outside the CARDBOARD
                                   HOUSE in black sweatsuits with
                                   flashlights.


                                   COOK, BUTLER, BRITISH COUPLE
            We haz a sad.


                                   COOK
            Clifford joke!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Jesus Christ.


                                   DOGS
            Bark!  Bark!   And it's beginning to snoooooow!


                                   DOGS strip off sweatsuits onstage.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Not comfortable with that.


                                   SISTER WIFE
            Wait, it's my puppies too!  Meaning I either gave birth to
            real-life dogs or cardboard cutouts!  I have one HELL of a
            uterus!


                                   BRITISH COUPLE
            We love kids!  Let's get it on!
                          (Wonder if said children will
                           be born with itty bitty
                           stilts.)


                                   AUDIENCE
            At least they're talking about people-sex and not dog-sex.


                                   DENNIS DEYOUNG
            Domo arigato?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Fuck you.


                                   SHIT-SPLATTERED PERKY
                                   NARRATOR WHO CAN GO TO HELL
            So I'm FINALLY going to explain how I know this story!  I'm
            the one who initially knocked up Sister Wife Perdita and then
            ran for the hills.  Bully for me!


                                   SISTER WIFE PERDITA
            My "I Dreamed a Dream" Man, um, dog.  Polygamy goes both
            ways, bitches!


                                   PERKY NARRATOR
            Wait, haven't you been listening to my voice and watching me
            swish around the whole show?  I'm totally gay now!  Next
            stop... Dog Drag Race!


                                   Then a song called 101 Dalmatians. 
                                   Really.


                                   AUDIENCE TO AUDIENCE'S
                                   SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF
            Got any more wine?


                                        FIN.