Today's Broadway Abridged Guest Script comes from TVGasm Writer The Unprofessional Critic, who was kind enough to go see 101 Dalmatians The Musical in Chicago which:
- really exists
- is really something that Disney didn't have any involvement with
- is really presented by Purina Dog Chow
- really stars Sara Gettelfinger
- really involves Jerry Zaks
- is really going to be at the
Washington Mutual TheaterMadison Square Garden Theater in April
- is something I have zero intention of seeing. Thanks Unpro!
101 DALMATIANS ABRIDGED OR WORST IN SHOW A Deep-Dish Guest Script Of Something Else That Blows In The Windy City by The Unprofessional Critic SCENE: THE HALF-FULL CADILLAC PALACE THEATRE IN CHICAGO. As the lights dim, the SEASON TICKET HOLDERS realize they are surrounded by ACTUAL CHILDREN and begin counting the minutes till intermission when they can switch seatswhile praying that said CHILDREN keep their drooly mouths shut. Onstage, the silhouette of a REAL DOG howls, then a MAN in a SHIT-SPLATTERED THREE-PIECE WHITE SUIT pops out from behind the curtain. Oh, wait. Those are SPOTS! MAN IN SHIT SUIT Hello! I'm a dalmatian doggy who's not named Pongo--really, I have no purpose in this story other to serve as a narrator in a really, really tired plot device that should have been retired in 1972! Aaaanyway, it's awesome to be a dog because we totally control our humans! Curtain opens to reveal a bevy of adults and children dressed in normal clothes but spastically jumping around in a way that is supposed to suggest DOG but really suggests NATALIE PORTMAN IN GARDEN STATE. AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Okay, whatever. I've seen Honk! and The Lion King. I'll stick around. But wait, how are they going to do the... Enter DOG-OWNING HUMAN CHARACTERS on STILTS. AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Oh. God. STUPID ANNOYING DOG-PEOPLE IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG BECAUSE WE TOTALLY MIND-CONTROL HUMANS AND WE'RE GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT WHEN THE "HUMANS" PUT THE "DOGS" ON LEASHES IT'S REALLY FUCKING DISTURBING AND BRINGS "PULP FICTION" TO MIND YAAAAAAAY! Enter PONGO and PER-- MRS. PONGO. Because this is not based on the Disney movie, and in the British book Pongo's dog-wife doesn't deserve a name. PONGO is humped by a little girl dressed as a poodle. It's just as uncomfortable as it sounds. PONGO Oh honey, wouldn't it be great to have kids? MRS. PONGO Ewwwwww! Babies are gross! Then she HUMPS HER OWNER before being put on a leash. INT. BRITISH DOG-OWNER COUPLE'S HOUSE, WITH A FEMALE COOK AND MALE-BUTLER-WHO-IS-INEXPLICABLY-PLAYED-BY-WOMAN. FEMALE COOK Cockney rubbish loverly glottal stop! I'm in love with you! SHEMALE BUTLER The rine in Spine falls minely on the pline! This secretly-in-love plot device will never be mentioned again. MRS. PONGO Guess what? I'm totes preggers! PONGO (hops up on AWKWARD CARDBOARDY COUCH) Noooooooo! (sings Generic Song(TM) about being a Dad) BRITISH COUPLE ON STILTS Let's go for a walk! AUDIENCE Yawn. Where's Sara Gettelfinger? By the way, wasn't Cruella DeVil supposed to be played by Rachel York? I'm sure I saw at least one article about-- SARA GETTELFINGER SILENCE--oooooof! She trips on her stilts but still manages to out act the entire cast with this one klutzy move. SARA GETTELFINGER I am Cruella DeVil and I'm going to try to overshadow this utterly awkward way of separating the dog characters from the people characters with my utter fabulousness and chewing of the cardboard scenery! It works. Almost. SARA GETTELFINGER Now British couple, which I vaguely know from school or something, I DEMAND you come to my house for a fur party. It's like a purse party, but with vehement protests from PETA! Bwahahahahahaha! BRITISH COUPLE Forget the fact that we really didn't like you in school or whatever, we're totally British and polite, plus you're on stilts too, meaning we have to do whatever you say! SCENE: CRUELLA'S HOUSE. BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL You know what this show needs? A CAT. Played by a slutty spandex-clad dancer who talks like a phone sex operator. Because that's NEVER BEEN DONE EVER when a human plays a cat! And then we can make at least one vague "pussy" joke for the grown-ups in the audience! THE GROWN-UPS IN THE AUDIENCE Lame. CAT minces around and rubs against Cruella's HUSBAND, who is a GAY STEREOTYPE, the MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION in fact. BIG GAY HUSBAND If I were any fruitier, I'd be a can of Hi-C in a frilly tutu spackled with glitter! Lisssssssssssssp! CAT (to PONGO and MRS. P) By the way, she totally skins animals here. CRUELLA sings a song about the awesomeness of furs, accompanied by a stageful of "humans" on stilts doing choppy approximations of choreography. COMPOSER DENNIS DEYOUNG OF STYX Screw "Come Sail Away"-- this shall be my life-changing impact on the next generation. Enter ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT-STAINED SUIT. ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT STAINED SUIT So Pongo and the missus had FUCKED, which means she was going to have a BABY! But then the vet was shocked because there was MORE THAN ONE PUPPY popping out of her uterus! THE WORST VET IN THE WORLD Gasp! ANNOYING NARRATOR IN SHIT STAINED SUIT So then there were puppies, all played by children of various ages, ethnicities, and stereotypes! PUPPY SO JEWISH IT'S SURPRISING HE'S NOT WEARING A YARMULKE Oy vey! AFRICAN-AMERICAN GIRL PUPPY Sassy! ASIAN GIRL PUPPY I'm the smart one! AUGUSTUS GLOOP LOOKALIKE PUPPY Where's the chocolate river? GIRL PUPPY ON VERGE OF PUBERTY Holy shit, my name is ROLY-POLY? BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL Yeah, what of it? PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY Have you not heard of Tracey Gold? BOOK WRITER BT MCNICHOLL Oh yeah, the fat chick on Growing Pains. So? PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY I am so billing you for therapy. And by the way, I could use a better bra. PUPPIES screech and run around and execute choreography in an exact imitation of the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" where Wayne Brady played a precocious child. 101 Dalmatians: just like Annie, minus the nostalgia and ten times the grating! SHIT-SPLATTERED NARRATOR So Pongo and his wife couldn't handle all these screeching brats and there's no Supernanny for dogs, so they instead got inspiration from Big Love and . . . brought in a sister wife! AUDIENCE Oh, so THIS is Perdita? Enter PERDITA... Wait, it's Emma from the Legally Blonde reality show that like 5 people watched! (Emma, you were robbed, BTW.) EMMA PERDITA SISTER-WIFE Hello! I apparently have no real owner and nothing better to do than enable the fiendish behavior of your heinous little brats... oh, and sing a song about my long-lost babydaddy and puppies! She sings "I Dreamed a Dream (for Dogs)". PONGO AND MRS. PONGO Wow, I wonder if THAT will become important later? Nah! Let's go have a threesome while the puppies screech around the backyard! The threesome would be gross, but way more interesting than what happens next: SARA GETTELFINGER (chewing the cardboard scenery and wishing she were back in Grey Gardens) Bwahahahahahaha! Now that the grown-up humans and dogs are gone, I shall distract Cook-ney with a song about cooking while my two thugs dressed in black carry off kicking children so that even the spinster audience members who don't even want children think of Jaycee Dugard and have nightmares! She DOES, and they DO. FEMALE COCKNEY COOK Blaw blaw blaw sellingflowers incompetent! SARA GETTELFINGER By the way, riddle me this Cook: why the hell do the dogs all have American accents when we're in London? Doesn't a dog have its own bark in every country? Enter DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS, who pokes SARA GETTELFINGER with his gettel finger and knocks her off her stilts. DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS That'll teach you to ask questions! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO O noes, the puppies are gone! What on earth shall we do? Let's do the Twilight Bark gossip chain Twitter precursor and then go on the road! PERDITA SISTER-WIFE What about me? They technically suckle on me too! The script even heavily implied it! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO Stay here with the humans that we mind-control. PERDITA SISTER-WIFE (who happens to be Jerry Zaks' daughter) Bark! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO But who will help us? JAMAICAN CARICATURE PLAYED BY A WHITE GUY Yah, mon! He sings a song about being motivated or something, followed by a bunch of oddly dressed PEOPLE who are probably DOGS because they are not on STILTS, including a SCOTTISH HIPSTER DOG with two WHORES. SCOTTISH HIPSTER DOG Here you are! Hell Hall! PONGO AND MRS. PONGO But . . . WHO ARE ALL THESE OTHER PUPPIES? The OTHER DOGGIES are played by a few actual Dalmatians--who are way too big to be puppies--CARDBOARD CUTOUTS. Yes, CARDBOARD CUTOUTS. That are obviously CARDBOARD CUTOUTS. Even from the nosebleed seats. AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF G'bye! SCENE: INTERMISSION... ...when any childless adults who haven't run screaming for the exits stay in their seats because they are writing a Broadway Abridged. SCENE: ACT TWO-- HELL HALL... NOW WITH CARDBOARD! Annoying Shit-Splattered Narrator does a BLATANT PURINA PLUG. JEWISH BOY PUPPY Ach, let's all sing through our noses and gyrate in a schizo doggie hip-hop! PUPPIES (actual lyric) SHOW 'EM WHAT THE KIDS CAN DO! YEAH! PONGO Hey, kids! Here we are to rescue you! But what about these poor cardboard cutouts? MRS. PONGO We can't just abandon the cardboard cutouts! SARA GETTELFINGER (sounding more and more like Little Edie Beale) Obligatory comic villains, time to KILL THE DOGS, which are really children that we have imprisoned in a yard! OBLIGATORY COMIC VILLAINS Righto! But first, we must sing a "Brush Up Your Shakespeare" wannabe about being obsessed with a show called, and we are not making this up, "What's My Crime"? They DO, having obviously never heard of "federal pound me in the ass prison." DOGS Let's escape to Benny Hill music! GUARD DOG Hey, wait! I am a GUARD DOG and this is my TABBY CAT, and you can't make a sufficient journey without dispelling the creepy child slavery and polygamy overtones of this musical with a song about being a FAMILY! Now MARCH, bitches! Oh, and a TAP OFF with no TAP SHOES. Thrilling. GODDAMN SHIT-SPLATTED NARRATOR Cruella was pissed when she found out, but the obnoxious Dalmatian people-dogs were welcomed by all. Except... for the Scary Ethnic Stereotypes, I mean Gypsies. AUDIENCE is starting to empathize with CRUELLA. All the single ladies... pop some extra birth control. GYPSIES Let's force them to do tricks and make them part of our show, thus injecting MORE child slavery into a show that's already had way too much! JEWISH BOY PUPPY I'm getting schpilkes! Let's escape! AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL PUPPY Mmm-hmm! ASIAN GIRL PUPPY Still the smart one! PUBESCENT GIRL PUPPY Hey, why the hell are you hiding me in the back? CHOREOGRAPHER Because God hates fatties. During the course of a musical number, the PUPPIES tie up the GYPSIES and escape. But wait, where are the CARDBOARD CUTOUTS? PIGTAILED GIRL PUPPY Do you think Boy Puppy likes me, Mommy? Am I pretty? MRS. PONGO Um, aren't you related? Well, kids in captivity: figures we'd get a Flowers in the Attic moment. BOY PUPPY Daddy, what happens in the bushes? AUDIENCE Thanks a fucking lot for putting dog-sex in my head again. SARA GETTELFINGER Haha, now I'm ACTUALLY going to kill you! AUDIENCE Promise? The sooner the performance ends, the sooner much needed revisions can be made. Let's start by axing ALL references to dog sex made by CHILDREN! All DOGS escape, except for PUBERTY PUP, because it's hard to run without proper chestal support. Trust me. SARA GETTELFINGER brings down the house with a crappy song she's way too good for. PONGO Let's cover ourselves with soot! Dogs MOLEST THEMSELVES while REAL DOGS run across the stage and SARA GETTELFINGER trips over her stilts. Again. Then she crashes her CARDBOARD CAR into the CARDBOARD HOUSE and there's a CARDBOARD FIRE. SARA GETTELFINGER Aaaaand . . . I'm left to die. To literally incinerate while moaning and saying, "I'm in heat." CHILD IN AUDIENCE I don't know it yet, but this has scarred me! AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Don't look at me . . . I'm getting drunk down the street! STUPID PERKY NARRATOR And then she died while having an orgasm! Meanwhile, the dog owners were DEPRESSED. DOGS are now outside the CARDBOARD HOUSE in black sweatsuits with flashlights. COOK, BUTLER, BRITISH COUPLE We haz a sad. COOK Clifford joke! AUDIENCE Jesus Christ. DOGS Bark! Bark! And it's beginning to snoooooow! DOGS strip off sweatsuits onstage. AUDIENCE Not comfortable with that. SISTER WIFE Wait, it's my puppies too! Meaning I either gave birth to real-life dogs or cardboard cutouts! I have one HELL of a uterus! BRITISH COUPLE We love kids! Let's get it on! (Wonder if said children will be born with itty bitty stilts.) AUDIENCE At least they're talking about people-sex and not dog-sex. DENNIS DEYOUNG Domo arigato? AUDIENCE Fuck you. SHIT-SPLATTERED PERKY NARRATOR WHO CAN GO TO HELL So I'm FINALLY going to explain how I know this story! I'm the one who initially knocked up Sister Wife Perdita and then ran for the hills. Bully for me! SISTER WIFE PERDITA My "I Dreamed a Dream" Man, um, dog. Polygamy goes both ways, bitches! PERKY NARRATOR Wait, haven't you been listening to my voice and watching me swish around the whole show? I'm totally gay now! Next stop... Dog Drag Race! Then a song called 101 Dalmatians. Really. AUDIENCE TO AUDIENCE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF Got any more wine? FIN.