All About Me: Abridged

                       ALL ABOUT ME ABRIDGED
                                OR
           SHE FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA FOR THIS?
            From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archive
                                                  By Gil Varod
                             




   SCENE: ROUNDABOUT-OWNED BROADWAY THEATER #3.


                          Audience enters into the brand new
                          underground Henry Miller theater, soon
                          to-be-christened the STEPHEN SONDHEIM
                          THEATER.  It is under-attended, more
                          modern than you're comfortable with,
                          and requires you to travel deeper down
                          than you think you ought to.


                          Good job with the naming, Roundabout.


                          OVERTURE plays using dozens of
                          recognizable songs, or as many measures
                          as you can play of each one before
                          having to pay royalties.  This is
                          WITTY, just as you'd expect from a
                          comedy...


                          Enter Michael Feinstein.


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   Hi everyone, I'm Michael Feinstein, singer of the Great
   American Songbook, and I'm here to namedrop Liza Minnelli as
   many times as possible.


                          AUDIENCE
   We don't know who the heck you are because you haven't been
   on Broadway since 1990 but no matter, bring on Dame Edna so
   you can bicker with her/him!


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   I'd like to sing a song...


                          AUDIENCE
   Opposing Dame Edna!


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   ...from the Great American Songbook, all by myself!


                          He does.


                          AUDIENCE
   Oh.


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   Now I'm going to sing another song...


                          AUDIENCE
   Introducing Dame Edna?


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   ...from the Great American Songbook!


                          AUDIENCE
   ...


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   Let's pause for a moment so I can share a piece of my inner
   self.


                          AUDIENCE
   Wasn't this supposed to be a comed--


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   When I was a little boy I was lonely, and not in a funny way. 
   But you know what made me feel better?


                          AUDIENCE
   I'm guessing it wasn't Dame Edna.


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   The Great American Songbook!


                          AUDIENCE
   Shocker.


                          He sings another song.


                          We are now more than fifteen minutes
                          in.


                          Yes, 1/6th of the way through a musical
                          comedy, and have made no jokes nor have
                          we set up our tone or premise.


                          THAT STORY ABOUT HOW  
                          PUTTING "COMEDY TONIGHT"
                          INTO FORUM'S OPENING   
                          SAVED THE SHOW
   How has nobody in this show heard of me?  Durang, don't you
   know musicals?


                          "BOOKWRITER" CHRISTOPHER
                          DURANG
   Who is this?  How did you get my phone number?


                          DAME EDNA
                 (finally arriving)
   Hello, possums!  Who wants to hear me riff off the audience?


                          AUDIENCE
   Oh me!


                          DAME EDNA
   Who wants to hear me sing songs I no longer even have the
   voice to not have the voice for?


                          AUDIENCE
   I... I guess I'm willing to sit through that!


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
                 (the worlds worst straight man?)
                 (no, straight as in COMEDY DUO, not...)
   No no no, Great American Songbook!  Great Amer... bwahahahah.


                          DAME EDNA
   What, yu're finally realizing what a stereotype of an old
   fart you sound like sometiimes?


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   No, its just that you keep improvising, and I apparently have
   zero ability to keep a straight face for more than twelve
   seconds, dammit.


                          AUDIENCE
   Much to our intense confusion!


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   Ha ha ha ha chuckle guffaw!


                          AUDIENCE
   Seriously, am I missing something?


                          STAGE MANAGER CHARACTER
   Apparently you guys both booked the theater at the same time,
   wink wink nudge nudge wink nudge wink wink wink. 
   I'll have to find out what's going on from the house's
   management company to set the situation straight, but will
   then never again mention this in Christopher Durang's poor
   excuse for a book.


                          "BOOKWRITER" CHRISTOPHER
                          DURANG
   Who are you people and why do I keep hearing my name?


                          STAGE MANAGER CHARACTER
   In the meanwhile, you guys have to share the stage.  And by
   "share the stage", I mean you'll do a two-man show!  And by
   "do a two-man show", I mean you'll have to each do a one-man
   show for half the time.


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN
   I'm sure that our ridiculously differing styles will go great
   together, just like the Muppets doing a variety show with
   Glen Beck!
                 (talks more about his
                  childhood)


                          DAME EDNA
   Yes, my riffing-styled comedy will match your serious
   crooning quite well, and not clash horribly at all!
                 (says mean things about Michael
                  Feinstein that are
                  frighteningly on-target)


                          DIRECTOR CASEY NICHOLAW 
   I'm sure I'll be able to direct real well at a moment's notice now
   that Jerry Zaks has left!
                 (pretends to direct)


                          PREVIOUS DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
   I'm sure that Addams Family will turn out great as I join
   it at the last moment!
                 (deludes self)


                          MICHAEL FEINSTEIN        
                          AND DAME EDNA
   And then we can learn a very important lesson about teaming
   up or whatever!  All we need is a well-written book and it'll
   turn out great!  Take it away, Christopher Durang!


                          "BOOKWRITER" CHRISTOPHER
                          DURANG
   What?  I thought you guys just bought the rights to use my
   name.  


                               BLACKOUT.

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