ASSASSINS:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: STUDIO 54, FORMER HOME OF "CABARET" AND WHERE YOU VERY
WELL MIGHT HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED IF YOU WERE BORN BETWEEN 1977
AND 1981.
The theatre is set up with tables and
chairs in the first half of the
orchestra.
HOUSE MANAGER
(to theatre restoration people)
Yes, keep the orchestra seating exactly like the way it was
set up in Cabaret. No, don't bother taking away the tables
and chairs now that they don't make thematic sense anymore.
Just keep them as the highest-priced seats, no matter how
uncomfortable they may be.
STEPHEN SONDHEIM and JOHN WEIDMAN sit
in the audience.
COMPOSER AND LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
So, after fourteen years of this show never getting to from
off-Broadway to Broadway, think it will be successful?
BOOKWRITER JOHN WEIDMAN
Of course. This is the second major Assassins production in
New York. And everybody knows that while your shows are
financial catastrophes the first time around, any second
major production of a Sondheim show is immediately considered
to be intellectual masturbatory fodder.
COMPOSER AND LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
So you're saying that someday, some reviewer out there will
actually like "Bounce"?
BOOKWRITER JOHN WEIDMAN
Uh... no.
SCENE: THE UNDERSIDE OF CONEY ISLAND'S CYCLONE ROLLER
COASTER.
AUDIENCE
That's awesome, SET DESIGNER ROBERT BRILL! I can't wait to
see how many things come out of the roller coaster and all
the different ways it is used!
SET DESIGNER ROBERT BRILL
Different ways it's... used... right...
Music starts. Enter MARK KUDISCH as
"The Proprietor".
MARK KUDISCH [AS PROPRIETOR]
(menacing grin)
I'm "The Proprietor"! Watch me be menacing with my shaved
head and tatoos!
He IS.
Enter MICHAEL CEVERIS as John Wilkes
Booth. Dutifully, the Assassin raises
his gun and shoots at his president.
SCENE: THE BARN THAT JOHN WILKES BOOTH, ASSASSIN OF LINCOLN,
HID IN BEFORE KILLING HIMSELF.
Enter NEIL PATRICK HARRIS.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
Hey, Joe Mantello? When do I get a *real* Balladeer's
costume, something Western-ish just like you promised me? I
feel kinda funny dressed in this flannel and jeans.
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
Costume? Aw, what do you need a *costume* for? You look
fine dressed just like that!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
These... these are the same clothes I wore on stage as Mark
in the LA production of Rent. Can't I at least get a banjo
or something?
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
Nah nah, you look great, keep going!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
(sighs, balladizes:)
WHY DID YOU DO IT JOHNNY,
THROW IT ALL AWAY...
MICHAEL CEVERIS
[JOHN WILKES BOOTH]
(writing in notebook)
I have to write down my last testament to why I did it. I
have to make my case, I need to take it down!
(to Balladeer)
Do not let history rob me of its meaning. Pass on the truth,
Neil Patrick Harris, you're the only one who can.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, M.D.
[AS BALLADEER]
Okay, John Wilkes Booth.
Booth tosses the notebook to Neil
Patrick Harris and then shoots himself.
Neil Patrick Harris sings as the
scenery moves away.
AUDIENCE
I get it, Neil Patrick Harris is the omniscient narrator!
NEIL PATRICK HOWSER
[AS BALLADEER]
I sure am, kids! Now, you just saw the story of John Wilkes
Booth, let's go through the other Assassins one by one!
There's a checklist on page 22 of your Playbill so you can
mark off each Assassin's scene as we do it. Enjoy the
episodic freak-show!
CHECKLIST ITEM #2: GIUSEPPE ZANGARA, ATTEMPTED ASSASSIN OF
FRANLKIN DELANO ROOSEVELT.
Enter JEFFREY KUHN (as Giuseppe
Zangara), sporting something from the
Banana Republic's casual summer line.
Dutifully, the Assassin raises his gun
and shoots at his president.
Enter CHORUS to explain how they helped
to stop the Assassination of FDR. They
wear white early-1900s clothing, which
they will continue to wear throughout
the show regardless of each scene's
time period.
CHORUS, DURING ONE OF THREE
SCENES THAT THEY ACTUALLY
APPEAR IN DURING THE PLAY
JUST LUCKY I WAS THERE,
OR WE'D HAVE BEEN LEFT BEREFT OF F.D.R...
JEFFREY KUHN sits, looking a little bit
too handsomely-groomed for a tortured
immigrant bricklayer in an electric
chair.
JEFFREY KUHN [ASSASSIN #2]
(heavy Italian accent)
FIRST I VAS FIGUREI KILLHOOVER...
ONLYHOOVERUPINWASH INKTON
ITSVINTERTIMEINWASH INKTON
TOO COLDFORTHESTOMACHINWASH INKTON;
I GODOWNTO MIAMIKILL ROOSE VELT.
(to audience, expecting
laughter:)
NOLAUGH!
AUDIENCE
Uh... did you... just tell us to not laugh?
JEFFREY KUHN [ASSASSIN #2]
(to audience, repeating but
still in a very heavy accent)
NO LAUGH!
AUDIENCE
We... we didn't laugh... we actually don't know what you'd
said...
POOR GUY IN SOUNDBOOTH
(desperately)
Must... try to make lyrics easier to understand with highly
technological Broadway theater equipment....
JEFFREY KUHN [ASSASSIN #2]
WhatYouSay? MakeAccentBigger? O-kay!
He does, making what was written as a
funny scene now seem SERIOUS and
BROODING.
POOR GUY IN SOUNDBOOTH
Oh, fuck it.
Guy in Bound Booth shuts off Jeffrey
Kuhn's microphone. Apparently Jeffrey
Kuhn doesn't care.
MARK KUDISCH [AS PROPRIETOR]
(omnisciently and overly high
concept)
I am still menacing as hell!
mark kudisch pulls the switch on
Jeffrey Kuhn's electric chair.
AUDIENCE
Wait... I thought Neil Patrick Harris is the "omniscient
character". Why is Menacing Mark Kudisch here? Is he also
omniscient?
CHECKLIST ITEM #3: LEON CZOLGOSZ, ASSASSIN OF WILLIAM
MCKINLEY.
JAMES BARBOUR [ASSASSIN #3]
A GUN KILLS MANY MEN BEFORE IT'S DONE
JUST ONE MORE...
Some sort of political manifesto song
continues about guns killing the slave
labor that makes it, but it flies over
everybody's head because James
Barbour's voice is so beautiful.
DOOGIE PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
(omnisciently)
CZOLGOSZ, WORKING MAN,
BORN IN THE MIDDLE OF MICHIGAN...
MARK KUDISCH [AS PROPRIETOR]
(omnisciently, but also
menacingly)
Single file line, to shake hands with President William
McKinley!
Dutifully, the Assassin raises his gun
and shoots at his president.
AUDIENCE
Wait... now Neil Patrick Harris and Mark Kudisch are *both*
on stage at the same time, and *both* omniscient... so
confused...
CHECKLIST ITEM #4: JOHN HINCKLEY, ATTEMPTED ASSASSIN OF
RONALD REAGAN
Enter ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI (John
Hinckley) with Guitar.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
[ASSASSIN #4]
I'm having trouble playing this guitar...
MARK KUDISCH [AS PROPRIETOR]
(menacingly, omnisciently and
bald-headedly)
Let me endow you with powers!
He sensuously touches Alexander
Gemignani's shoulders and elbows.
Suddenly, for some stupid reason,
Alexander Gemignani can play guitar.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
[ASSASSIN #4]
(Singing to a picture of Jodi
Foster. No, really, he is.)
I AM NOTHING, YOU ARE, WIND AND WATER AND SKY, JODI...
He continues to sing in what sounds
like it is a Carpenters ballad, or
really any early 80s cheesy
love duet/movie title theme.
Enter MARY CATHERINE GARRISON (Squeaky
Fromme, one of the Charles Manson
girls).
MARY CATHERINE GARRISON
[ASSASSIN #6]
(singing to a picture of
Charles Manson)
I AM, NOTHING, YOU ARE, FIRE AND DEVIL AND GOD, CHARLIE...
She continues to sing these very
dissonant lyrics as if they are sincere
--ignoring the contrast between her
lyrics and Alexander Gemignani's-
making what was written as a funny
scene now seem overly SERIOUS and
BROODING.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI AND
MARY CATHERINE GARRISON
[ASSASSINS #4 AND #6]
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR LOVE...
Mary Catherine Garrison then cuts her
forehead, which is the final nail in
the coffin of what would have otherwise
been a darkly funny song.
BROODING
No, SERIOUS, what're we doing here so early in the show?
SERIOUS
Beats me.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
[ASSASSIN #4]
I am going to go try to kill Reagan!
Dutifully, the Assassin raises his gun
and--yup--shoots at his president.
CHECKLIST ITEM #5: CHARLES GUITEAU, ASSASSIN OF JAMES
GARFIELD.
Enter Dennis O' Hare as Charles
Guiteau. Dutifully, the Assassin
raises his gun... etc.
DOOGIE PATRICK HOWSER
[AS BALLADEER]
CHARLIE GUITEAU,
NEVER SAID "NEVER" OR HEARD THE WORD "NO",
FACED WITH DISASTER HIS HEART WOULD BEAT FASTER
HIS SMILE WOULD GROW, AND HE'D SAY:
DENNIS O'HARE [ASSASSIN #5]
Remember when I was in "Take Me Out" as "that gay guy" and
won a Tony Award?
DOOGIE HOOGIE WOOGIE
[AS BALLADEER]
Uh... that's not what he'd say...
DENNIS O'HARE [ASSASSIN #5]
Apparently, because everybody seemed to love my performance
so much as "that gay guy", I've decided to bring the
wonderful elements of my Tony-Award-winning performance of
"that gay guy" into this part!
(singing stereotypically gay:)
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
NOT ON THE BLACK SIDE,
GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE, SHINE THOSE SHOES!
THE DOOGSTER
[AS BALLADEER]
MANTELLO! He's doing it again!
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
Uh... Dennis... Charles Guiteau wasn't gay...
DENNIS O'HARE [MASON MARZAC]
THIS IS THE LAND OF OPPORTUNI...
I'm sorry, what'd you say Joe Mantello?
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
I said, Charles Guiteau shouldn't be the same character as...
oh, nevermind.
Dennis O'Hare continues this, making
what was written as a funny and
demented scene now seem SERIOUS and
demented.
He runs all the way up the Coney-Island
Cyclone-Steps.
HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Hey, from our seats we can't see if he does anything at the
top of the steps!
He DOESN'T.
CHECKLIST ITEM #6 AND 7: SQUEAKY FROMME AND SARA JANE MOORE,
ATTEMPTED ASSASSINS OF GERALD FORD.
Dutifully, each of the two Assassins
raises his her gun and shoots at his
their president.
CHECKLIST ITEM #8: SAM BYCK, ATTEMPTED ASSASSIN OF RICHARD
NIXON.
Enter Actor/Comedian MARIO CANTONE as
Sam Byck.
MARIO CANTONE [ASSASSIN #8]
Hey, I'm Sam Byck, the guy who tried to kill Dick Nixon.
(drinks from Budweiser can)
At the moment, I still haven't really figured out if I want
to try playing this part as Sam Byck or just play it as Mario
Cantone.
(drinks from can again)
Sure, I could develop a character for this part, but why do
that when I can just as easily assume that Sam Byck was Mario
Cantone?
(drinks again)
Furthermore--
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
Uh... Mario, I... could you not use that beer can prop so
liberally? It's becoming a real crutch...
MARIO CANTONE [ASSASSIN #8]
(drinks from the beer can
again, then gesticulates
wildly with the beer can)
I don't know what you're talking about. This beer can is an
extension of--
DIRECTOR JOE MANTELLO
That's it, the beer can has to go.
Director Joe Mantello takes the beer
can away from Mario Cantone.
MARIO CANTONE [MARIO CANTONE]
(stuttering)
I... I... I can't play... part... without beer can...
Dutifully, the Assassin raises his gun
and shoots at Director Joe Mantello's
feet until he gives Mario Cantone the
beer can back.
MARIO CANTONE [MARIO CANTONE]
That'll teach you to mess with Mario Cant... er... Sam...
er... what's my character's name again?
SCENE: END OF SHOW.
All of the Assassins come out.
ASSASSIN #1
Hey, we need to tie this all together!
ASSASSIN #8
You're right!
ALL ASSASSINS
(singing in unison)
THERE'S ANOTHER NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING,
NOT THE ONE YOU CHEER AT THE BALLPARK.
SPREAD THE WORD.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
Hey, I'm the omniscient good guy, and I'm here to tell you
that all of your Assassinations didn't make a difference,
even when you thought you were doing it for good reasons.
MARK KUDISCH [AS PROPRIETOR]
Neil, being that you're the good omniscient character and I'm
the evil omniscient character, now would have been a good
time for us to battle head-on.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
Yes it would have, especially if you had been omniscient in
more than just three randomly-selected scenes. Oh well.
(to the assassins)
And what the hell is the song you're singing? What does
"Another National Anthem" *mean*? You don't seem to have a
point.
ALL ASSASSINS
(continuing)
THERE'S ANOTHER NATIONAL ANTHEM FOLKS,
FOR THOSE WHO...
Actually, we have no idea what this means.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
(to audience)
Well kids, your scorecard is filled so you should go home.
AUDIENCE
Hold on, we still haven't checked off--
Frantically, the BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY enter.
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
(smiling like he's in a
toothpaste commercial)
Hi everybody! I just wanted to let you know that if you
haven't ever seen "Assassins" before and you are ever
planning to, now's the time to stop reading and go see the
show before anything major is ruined!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[AS BALLADEER]
Whoa, where'd you come from?
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
Who, me? Oh, I've been in the Lobby consoling Douglas Sills
and Raul Esparza for choosing to be in "Little Shop" and
"Taboo" instead of this production of "Assassins". See, they
were both supposed to be in this production when it was going
to originally be produced in fall 2001 but when Roundabout--
(stops as if he hears
something)
Oh... I'm sorry, I think Douglas Sills needs me again... poor
guy.
He exits to the Lobby, and as the door
swings open we briefly hear a round of
"Into the Fire" sung through sobs.
AUDIENCE
We're not done Neil Patrick Harris! We haven't gotten to the
assassination of JFK yet!
ALL ASSASSINS
(still singing)
SAY TO EACH AND EVERY FAN,
IF YOU CAN'T DO WHAT YOU WANT TO
THEN YOU DO THE THINGS YOU CAN...
Neil Patrick Harris hides behind the
Assassins and, without ever leaving the
stage, emerges with his costume changed
from THE BALLADEER to LEE HARVEY
OSWALD!
Actually, it wasn't so hard. All he
did was replace his flannel shirt with
a white T-Shirt. Really.
Apparently the double-casting of the
Balladeer as Lee Harvey Oswald is
supposed to be symbolic of... well,
when we figure out what that symbol is,
we'll get back to you.
SCENE: TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY IN DALLAS, TX.
John Wilkes Booth enters.
MICHAEL CEVERIS
[JOHN WILKES BOOTH]
You should kill the President of the United States.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[LEE HARVEY OSWALD]
What?!?
MICHAEL CEVERIS
[JOHN WILKES BOOTH]
His plane landed at the airport fifteen minutes ago. His
motorcade is going to go right past this window. When it
does, you shoot him.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[LEE HARVEY OSWALD]
Who are you?
MICHAEL CEVERIS
[JOHN WILKES BOOTH]
My name is John Wilkes Booth, Lee.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
[LEE HARVEY OSWALD]
John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.
Suddenly, all the assassins appear, and
one by one convince Neil Patrick Harris
to shoot JFK.
This should be the most powerful,
disturbing scene in the entire show.
However, because so many of the once
humorous scenes are now SERIOUS and
BROODING, the audience is too numbed to
be able to experience this scene fully,
causing the sudden transition in tone
to not be that large.
THOSE PEOPLE AT THE THEATRE
THAT YOU WISH WOULD SHUT UP
Hmph! If they expect me to actually believe that Lee Harvey
Oswald killed JFK because John Wilkes Booth convinced him to,
well they have another thing coming!
Neil Patrick Harris walks over to the
window. Dutifully, the Assassin raises
his gun and shoots at his president.
LIGHTING GUY
Hey, Neil, face out!
Neil Patrick Harris turns towards us so
that the lighting guy can project the
Zapruder film of JFK's assassination
onto Neil Patrick Harris's white T
shirt.
AUDIENCE
Hey, I can't see what's on his shirt, it's too small.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
That's okay, projecting this onto my shirt was a pretty
forced idea anyway.
SCENE: VARIOUS JUXTAPOSED TIME PERIODS
Enter anybody in the cast who did not
play an Assassin, to sing the newly
added song "Something Just Broke" about
where they were when they heard the
president was shot.
CHORUS MEMBER 1
I WAS STANDING BY THE STOVE...
CHORUS MEMBER 2
I WAS SITTING IN THE YARD...
CHORUS MEMBER 3
...it's a shame you haven't met us yet, because if you had
then it might have made it easier to immediately connect to
our Hallmark Greeting Card-brand sadness.
CHORUS MEMBER 4
..it's a shame we're still wearing this weird white clothing
from the beginning of the 1900s, we really look like our
costume designer did no research.
MOMENTUM
... it's also a shame that the insertion of this song is
killing me.
THE OBVIOUS
...and overstating me, to boot!
AUDIENCE
I feel like there's a message or a moral I'm supposed to be
getting from this all...
Audience sits in seats confounded.
BLACKOUT.
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