The Audience: Abridged

                                THE AUDIENCE ABRIDGED
                     From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      





            SCENE: 42 CHAIRS IN A BROADWAY THEATRE, BUT ACTUALLY IN A OFF
            BROADWAY THEATRE... YOU SEE, THE REAL AUDIENCE IS IN AN OFF
            BROADWAY THEATRE, BUT ONSTAGE IS AN AUDIENCE FROM A BROADWAY
            THEATRE... FORGET IT.


                                   A bunch of people enter and sit down.


                                   MANY CHARACTERS THAT 
                                   DON'T SING
            Look!  I have an irrelevant comment to make!


                                   LITTLE KID
            I will sing a song about being a little kid!


                                   USHER
            I will sing a song about watching the actors onstage!


                                   BLACK GUY
            Lemme sing a song about being black, with references to Bill
            Cosby as if he was the ONLY FRICKING BLACK PERSON EVER.


                                   SOME GIRL
            I will sing a song about my father having inappropriately
            touched me, but not let on as to what I'm referring so you
            have absolutely NO idea what I'm talking about!


                                   Couples enter.


                                   FIRST COUPLE
            Let's leave the theatre and have sex even though NOBODY
            CARES!


                                   SECOND COUPLE
            Let's leave this play because we've just decided we're
            SOULMATES!


                                   TWO SETS OF GAY COUPLES
            Can you say STEREOTYPE?  CAN YOU?


                                   OLD JEWISH PEOPLE
            Yes, yes we can!


                                   Enter people whose silly plots have to
                                   do with dead people.


                                   ONE GUY
            I have bought extra seats for dead parents, who I pretend are
            with me!


                                   BROTHER AND SISTER
            We will spend the entire show whispering about our dead Mom!


                                   ANOTHER WOMAN
            I brought my dead husband's urn to watch the show!


                                   ONE GUY AND 
                                   BROTHER AND SISTER
            Nope, yours is the lamest subplot.  You win.


                                   Enter the guy who has "written" the
                                   "show" that this "audience" is
                                   "watching".


                                   AUTHOR OF THE "PLAY"
            Oh, I am so sad.


                                   USHER
            How come?


                                   AUTHOR OF THE "PLAY"
            The critics said that my play is so messed up!


                                   USHER
            In what way?


                                   AUTHOR OF THE "PLAY"
            Because it has no coherent plot or togetherness and relies
            entirely on gimmicks.


                                   USHER
            Hmm. I wonder what that's like...


                                        BLACKOUT.

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