August Osage County: Abridged

               AUGUST, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, DECEMBER, JANUARY,
               FEBRUARY, MARCH, (ARE WE STILL SITTING IN THIS THEATRE?)
                     APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY
                     From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      




            SCENE: THE IMPERIAL THEATRE


                                   Where a HOUSE has been built, doing
                                   that age-old thing where the HOUSE is a
                                   CHARACTER in of ITSELF!  Woot.


                                   FATHER WHO WILL BE DEAD 
                                   BY THE NEXT SCENE
            Native American Housekeeper?


                                   NATIVE AMERICAN HOUSEKEEPER
            Yes?


                                   FATHER WHO WILL BE DEAD 
                                   BY THE NEXT SCENE
            I'd like to hire you.


                                   NATIVE AMERICAN HOUSEKEEPER
            What job will I have?


                                   FATHER WHO WILL BE DEAD 
                                   BY THE NEXT SCENE
            To not have as many lines as I do.


                                   NATIVE AMERICAN HOUSEKEEPER
            But don't you die bef--






            SCENE: FIVE DAYS LATER.


                                   Don't worry if it takes fifteen minutes
                                   until you figure that out.  We've got
                                   all night!


                                   MOTHER
            Everybody into the family room!  My husband, FATHER, has
            disappeared!


                                   BLONDE DAUGHTER
                          (who is 40)
            Oh no!


                                   REDHEAD DAUGHTER
                          (who is 40)
            Oh no!


                                   BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
                          (who is 40 like her sisters,
                           but looks like she's 22 from
                           the mezzanine)
            Oh no!


                                   14 YEAR OLD 
                                   DAUGHTER OF BLONDE
            Oh no!
                          (smokes pot)


                                   Enter a Sheriff, just to round out the
                                   cast to an even THIRTEEN.


                                   SHERIFF CHARACTER
                          (leaving his digits with
                           BLONDE)
            Wait, it turns out he drowned!


                                   HUSBAND OF BLONDE
            Oh no!... by the way, I'm sleeping with my student!


                                   FIANCEE OF REDHEAD
            Oh no!... by the way, I want to fondle the 14-year old.


                                   FIRST COUSIN
            Oh no!... by the way, I want to marry my cousin, the
            brunette.


                                   AUNT
            Let's all sit down to dinner!


                                   They DO.


                                   MOTHER
                          (anecdote-ing)
            Father wrote some POEMS once, which is NOT INCREDIBLY
            NECESSARY TO KNOW!


                                   EVERYBODY
            Talk talk talk talk talk!


                                   They talk and have a dinner long enough
                                   to ACTUALLY BE AS LONG AS A NORMAL
                                   DINNER!


                                   14 YEAR OLD 
                                   DAUGHTER OF BLONDE
            I am so glad I'm not at the grownups table.


                                   MOTHER
            I am old and ranting!  It may be because I take every pill
            that Playwright Tracy Letts could find listed on Wikipedia,
            or it may be because as a child I was beaten in the head with
            hammers!  Either way it's HORRIBLY TERRIBLE!
                          (points at daughters, suddenly
                           stark-raving)
            I AM RESENTFUL THAT YOU ALL GOT MARRIED OR DIDN'T GET MARRIED
            OR ARE GOING TO END UP DIVORCED, 
            AND I LIKE RUINING MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL DINNER!


                                   BLONDE DAUGHTER
            I'm going to choke you, Mom!


                                   She DOES.


                                   AUNT
            Everybody calm down!  Also, Son, I find you to be SUBPAR.


                                   FIRST COUSIN
            Wah.


                                   UNCLE
                          (to Aunt)
            Wife, now that our son is in his LATE THIRTIES, it is
            apparently the PERFECT time for me to tell you that you
            should NOT TREAT HIM SO BADLY!


                                   FIRST COUSIN
            Wah.


                                   BLONDE DAUGHTER
            I'm bored.  Let's have sister bonding time!


                                   REDHEAD DAUGHTER
            Yes, let's!  Brunette sister, who we barely got to know while
            growing up, are you dating FIRST COUSIN?


                                   BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
            How did you know? 


                                   REDHEAD DAUGHTER
            Let's go with "inner sisterly feelings".


                                   BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
            I thought you barely got to know me.


                                   BLONDE DAUGHTER
            The play is half over!  Can I be the main character now?


                                   REDHEAD DAUGHTER
            Sure!


                                   BLONDE DAUGHTER
            Sweet!


                                   14 YEAR OLD 
                                   DAUGHTER OF BLONDE
                          (to Blonde)
            Mom, thanks for causing me to be a 14 year old who smokes pot
            and wants to have sex with Redhead's fiancee!


                                   REDHEAD DAUGHTER
                          (to Blonde)
            Thanks for having a 14-year-old daughter that tempted my
            fiancee while high!


                                   HUSBAND OF BLONDE
                          (to Blonde)
            Thanks for doing whatever vague thing it was that caused me
            to DIVORCE you!


                                   BRUNETTE DAUGHTER
                          (to Blonde)
            Thanks for idiotically not telling me some VERY IMPORTANT
            INFORMATION I SHOULD KNOW about First Cousin!


                                   SHERIFF CHARACTER
                          (to Blonde)
            Thanks for kissing me in Act 3!


                                   MOTHER
            By the way, there is more screwed-up information about both
            my husband's death and First Cousin's background that I feel
            like THE VERY END OF THE PLAY is the best time to release!


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            Yaayyy for twist endings that come out of nowhere!  
            And yaay for three and a half hour shows!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Um... why couldn't it have been cut down to two hours?


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            Too much important information to deal with that the audience
            couldn't bear to not get!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Which you couldn't have done in two hours.


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            Nope.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Do you know how long it would take to read an abridged
            version of it?


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            Maybe three hours fifteen minutes?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Five and a half minutes.


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            But it wouldn't hit every one of the 30 plotlines--


                                   AUDIENCE
            It sorta would.


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            I don't care!  I WROTE A PLAY ABOUT THE GRAND AMERICAN OR
            OKLAHOMAN TRADITION OF HAVING A SCREWED UP FAMILY!


                                   PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE
            Hoorah!  EVERYBODY who writes about dysfunctional American
            families WINS!
                          (gives prize)


                                   PLAYWRIGHT TRACY LETTS
            Yaaayyyy!
                          (takes prize)


                                   Big dysfunctional American family
                                   party!


                                        BLACKOUT.

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