BRIEF ENCOUNTER ABRIDGED
              From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod 
                                       






    SCENE: STUDIO 54, A GREAT PLACE FOR INTIMATE PIECES.  BUT NOT
    SO MUCH INTIMATE THEATER.  (GET IT?  THAT WAS A JOKE ABOUT
    HOW PEOPLE USED TO HAVE SEX IN STUDIO 54.)


                           BRITISH MALE
    I love you, stuffy British female!


                           BRITISH FEMALE
    I can't!  I must instead escape into this curtain and turn
    into A TWO DIMENSIONAL MOVIE WITH TWO-DIMENSIONAL FEELINGS!


                           BRITISH MALE
    Wow, now you're a projected image instead of an actor
    onstage!  Is this going to be some sort of exploration of the
    stylish differences between film and stage, or alternatively,
    simply a British "Last Action Hero"?


                           BRITISH FEMALE
    Why, was Last Action Hero SEVERELY UNDERSTATED?


                           EVERYONE IN THE MEZZANINE
    What?  What did you say?
    We changed our minds.  Sometimes plays DO need to be mic'd.


                           YOUNG BRITISH COUPLE
    We like each other!  Are we gonna Do It?


                           OLDER BRITISH COUPLE
    We also like each other!  Are we gonna Do It?


                           YOUNG BRITISH COUPLE
    Too late, play's half over!  Let's quietly tiptoe out of the
    plot and hope nobody notices.


                           BRITISH MALE
    Oh British Female, I love you with all of my heart.  I love
    you more than you can ever know.  My love for you is stronger
    than time itself.  How many times can I possibly say that to
    you in as soap-opera-y a way as possible?


                           BRITISH FEMALE
    As many times as the script allows!


                           BRITISH MALE
    But alas, the script does not allow me to *show* you how much
    I love you.  Gimmicky projections of waves and choo-choo
    trains will have to do instead.


                           We see some sort of "stage montage",
                           which is exactly as terrible as it
                           sounds.


                           BRITISH MALE
    Oh British Female, I must leave you, partially because my
    wife-whom-we-never-see and I are off to Africa, but probably
    moreso because British People Never Really Love Anyone.


                           BRITISH FEMALE
    No, but our love was DIFFERENT--
    It was severely uunnndddeeerrrrrsssssttaaaattteeedddd...


                           British Male hops on a projection and
                           rides it offstage.


                           BRITISH FEMALE
    Oh I'm so sorry about my lost love, also, that people had to
    watch it!  Only one thing will make up for it...


                           She plays a piano which is of course
                           intensely meaningful--like Raul Esparza
                           in Company, but less with the Making
                           Sense bit.


                           ONSTAGE JUGBAND
    British Female, you may be reading the director's notes
    wrong.


                           BRITISH FEMALE
    But it says we need music so people leaving the theater
    aren't confused as to how this show may or may not have lost
    all of its charm, atmosphere and tone during its move to
    Studio 54.


                           ONSTAGE JUGBAND
    Yes, but if we play another Noel Coward tune we may kick off
    a second Revolutionary War.  HIT IT!


                           Jugband plays arrangements of Don't
                           Stop Believing and Time After Time, and
                           is WORTH PRICE OF ADMISSION IN ITSELF.


                                BLACKOUT.