RNTLYN
(A "Brooklyn" Broadway Abridged Script)
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE LOT IN AVENUE A, WHERE MAUREEN IS PERFORMING HER
"OVER THE MOON" CONCERT TONIGHT.
Audience enters, expecting RENT.
Enter EDEN ESPINOSA.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Hey everybody! How're you all doing tonight.
AUDIENCE
Wait... That's not Maureen! That's a probably-NOT-gay girl
dressed like an Irish Tomboy or something!
EDEN ESPINOSA
Well, I'm *almost* Maureen. You see, I was the understudy
for the part of Elphaba in Wicked, which was the role that
Idina Menzel won a tony award for, who was the original
Maureen in the Broadway Cast of Rent!
Audience stares with BLANK EXPRESSIONS.
EDEN ESPINOSA
(sighs)
Whoa, alas, I'm a poor person living in the streets, and I
can belt high H.
AUDIENCE
Yay!
Audience comfortably relaxes into their
seats, excited to see another musical
about poor people as they clutch onto
their $98.25-a-piece tickets.
EDEN ESPINOSA
So, I bet it would be a great idea to start this show with a
bang of a song, but instead let's bring out the ENTIRE CAST
and just kinda talk for a couple of easily remove-able
minutes!
Enter four other cast members.
EDEN ESPINOSA
I said the ENTIRE cast!
Enter Director JEFF CALHOUN.
DIRECTOR JEFF CALHOUN
Why? Is somebody missing? Black girl?
BLACK GIRL
Here!
DIRECTOR JEFF CALHOUN
Latina girl!
LATINA GIRL
Here!
DIRECTOR JEFF CALHOUN
White guy with beard?
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Here!
DIRECTOR JEFF CALHOUN
Obligatory African American guy?
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Right here.
DIRECTOR JEFF CALHOUN
Yup, five ethnically diverse actors, unable to really fill a
stage that was intended for thirty, in a musical that looks
like it probably should've gone to off-Broadway first.
Everybody's here. Let's chat a tad more while un-miked, and
then begin!
They DO.
All cast members that are not playing a
role at the moment move around the very
innovative trash-based set pieces to
look like France.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
So the five of us, we are a performing homeless street troupe
called "The City Weeds". What the term "City Weeds" means in
this play is very symbolic and completely unintelligible, so
screw it and let's get into the play. During the course of
our play, we'll mark down which number scene this is with our
chalk, God knows why. So welcome to our FAIRY TALE!
(singing)
ONCE UPON A TIME...
They sing a song with vague lyrics and
random references to love and heart, in
a style with obvious desire to get into
pop radio. This is regardless of the
criticism of the modern pop music scene
that will come throughout the play.
Latina Girl and White Guy get into
costumes made up entirely of garbage.
This is CLEVER and INNOVATIVE.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS (CONT'D)
Once upon a time, there was this Latina Girl and this White
Guy with a Beard. And together they loved each other.
LATINA GIRL AND
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Oh, we love each other, despite being ethnically different!
Huzzah!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
But let's not delve into their life for more than one three
minute song, nor actually get a sense of their characters,
nor their intense love for each other. Instead, we'll just
say that the white guy with the beard had to go to Vietnam to
fight in a war.
MISS SAIGON AND MOVIN' OUT
(observing)
Hey! Didn't we already pummel `Nam to death?
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
And so he went away to war, not to be seen until about twelve
minutes before the play's done. And he left behind the
Latina girl, who was now a mother of a little child.
Enter EDEN ESPINOZA, in pigtails.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Hey, I'm a little girl! And while I'm playing a little girl,
I'm REALLY annoying!
She IS.
EDEN ESPINOSA
My name is Brooklyn, named after my father's hometown, and I
live in France.
NEW YORKERS IN AUDIENCE
Oh... I thought this is a story about a girl who *grew up* in
Brooklyn... That's kinda a bummer..
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
So, the Latina girl became the most famous dancer in France,
or something like that. You'll just have to take my word for
it, because apparently it was beyond us to cast the part with
an actress who was a dancer. But one day, the loving mother
that she was:
LATINA GIRL
I have decided that even though I have a daughter, without
the love of the White Guy With Beard in my life I absolutely
cannot live.
AUDIENCE
Ugh. That can't be healthy.
LATINA GIRL
You'd think that if I'm such a famous dancer, I could just
move to Brooklyn to go find him. But alas, I won't.
Cast members move around still
innovative set pieces to look like a
dance stage.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
And so, on her final dance performance, she did a dance with
a noose around her neck.
Latina girl puts a noose around her
neck, does absolutely zero dance moves,
and then chokes because of the noose
around her neck. This death moment is
actually sort of tense...
...but WHO THE HELL DANCES WITH A NOOSE
AROUND THEIR NECK?!?
CLEAVANT DERRICKS (CONT'D)
Young Eden Espinosa grew up as an orphan in the streets,
singing this unfinished lullaby her father had written her
mother, which had vague lyrics referencing the words "love"
and "heart".
Cast members move set around to look
like streets. Eden lays down on an old
mattress on the ground and begins to
sing.
Suddenly, Eden stands up.
EDEN ESPINOSA
This mattress smells like urine! Ray!
SET DESIGNER RAY KLAUSEN
(excitedly)
Well, you see, as I keep telling the press in interviews, all
of the set pieces we use once had a life on the street!
EDEN ESPINOSA
Right, but--
SET DESIGNER RAY KLAUSEN
It adds to the realism, that every single set piece once was
really used by real live homeless men!
DIRECTOR JEFF CALHOUN
(adding)
Plus, with a cast of five and a set made entirely out of
garbage, this could be the cheapest Broadway show yet!
EDEN ESPINOSA
That's all fine, but this is nasty. It's not that hard to
buy a NEW mattress and make it old. I'm going to do the rest
of this scene on THAT side of the stage.
Latina girl appears, now wearing a set
of angel wings made out of old
newspapers and a halo made out of a
fluorescent circular light bulb.
Again, this use of garbage is genius.
However it makes an unintended and kind
of screwed-up point that a girl can go
to heaven even if she kills herself to
leave her six year old daughter to live
alone, suffering in the streets.
LATINA GIRL
(appearing)
Eden, Eden!
EDEN ESPINOSA
(still annoying because she's
still playing a little girl)
Mom! Is that you?
LATINA GIRL
Eden. You must listen to my plot advance instructions as I
tell you what you need to do during the rest of this musical.
EDEN ESPINOSA
What shall I do?
LATINA GIRL
You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda, the Jedi who
trained me.
EDEN ESPINOSA
What?
LATINA GIRL
I mean... you must venture back to Pride Rock and find your
uncle Scar, who has taken over the kingdom.
EDEN ESPINOSA
...
LATINA GIRL
I mean... sorry. You have to go to Brooklyn to find your
Dad.
EDEN ESPINOSA
But how will I do that?
LATINA GIRL
(smiles)
You will follow the song in your heart!
EDEN ESPINOSA
No, I mean, literally, how will I do that? I have no money
or possessions. I'm totally poor.
(pause)
But that'll actually be really interesting, to see me spend
the first half of the play trying to figure out how to make
my way over to Broo--
We cut from here to when she gets to
Brooklyn and is already famous.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Dammit.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
So Brooklyn grew up...
Eden takes out her pigtails and stops
being annoying.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
(sighs)
Thank God. Yes, Brooklyn grew up all right.
(shakes his head)
I mean, not the *borough*, although the town did too, sure it
flourished across the years, and all the yuppie college
students moved there when they couldn't afford Manhattan
housing, although I DON'T mean Brooklyn the borough, I mean
Brooklyn the person... Oh forget it.
The actors not playing a part at the
moment (in this case, just Latina girl)
move entire set around to look like
Brooklyn.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
So in Brooklyn, THE BOROUGH, there was this singer.
Enter BLACK GIRL.
BLACK GIRL
My name is "Perri-Air-Freshener". You can call me that
because I was "born with nothing but an Air Freshener in the
mirror". Even though I'm the bad guy, the audience is going
to really love it when I make my comments about society and
how I *am* a product of America. This makes me somewhat
entertaining when I'm on stage, but doesn't make me very
hated for a villain.
Black Girl steps into center-stage
spotlight and pointlessly preaches
about political ideals and AK47s and
the state of pop music.
WRITERS MARK SCHOENFELD
AND BARRI MCPHERSON
Whee, look at us! We're making random criticisms of America!
"Perri-Air-Freshener" then tells you
who you should vote for, and then sings
the song "Superlover".
BLACK GIRL
(singing)
I'M A SUPERLOVER
I HAVE SUPERPOWERS
IN THIS SCENE I'M DRESSED LIKE A SUPERHERO
WHICH MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE
BECAUSE I'M A DIVA,
AND THIS SONG IS CALLED SUPERLOVER,
WHICH ESTABLISHES ME LESS AS A WILDLY SUCCESSFUL DIVA,
AND MORE AS A TRAMP
WHICH I MAY BE
ALTHOUGH I DON'T COME ACROSS
AS HAVING ANY MODERN-DIVA SEX APPEAL
BUT ANYWAY
THAT'S ENTIRELY IRRELEVANT
TO...
THIS...
STO-O-RY!
She finishes singing the last verse
with a key change and a huge belting
finish as lights get brighter.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
And there was apparently only one other singer in all of New
York, and somehow or another that ended up being... Eden!
EDEN ESPINOSA
Wait... we don't get to see like a montage of how I rise to
fame?
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Nope, we skipped that too.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Jesus. Well if I'm supposed to be a diva star, why am I
still dressed like a derelict?
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Deal.
EDEN ESPINOSA
(sulks)
Fine.
Latina girl moves entire set around to
look like Carnegie Hall stage.
EDEN then sings another song with vague
references to "love" and "heart" in a
concert at Carnegie Hall. This brings
to question whether the type of Diva
she's supposed to be is more like
Celine Dion or Christina Aguilera. The
line is fudged even more because while
Eden is wholesome and therefore more
Celine Dion-like, she apparently has a
popularity and tabloid appeal that is
MTV Christina-Aguilera-like, except for
that she's played entirely devoid of
sex appeal like such pop stars always
bank upon.
WRITERS MARK SCHOENFELD
AND BARRI MCPHERSON
Whoa... pop stars and sex appeal... there's some social
commentary that we totally missed out on.
EDEN ends her number with a key change
and a belting voice that can break the
roof, as lights get brighter.
SCENE: FLASH FORWARD TO 2005 TONY AWARDS.
ABSURDLY CHOSEN
PRESENTER JIMMY FALLON
And the award for hoarsest voices from belting eight times a
week goes to... The cast of Brooklyn!
SCENE: BACK IN THE AVENUE A LOT, WHERE I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A
TOAST, TO MAUREEN'S NOBLE TRY
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Now Eden, you and... Dammit, what's your stupid name?
BLACK GIRL
Perri-Air-Freshener.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Right now, you and "Perri-Air-Freshener"
(sighs)
are going to argue over who's the better Diva.
BLACK GIRL
I'm a better singer, I have Brooklyn in my blood more than
you do! I grew up here!
EDEN ESPINOSA
I have it more than you do! No, I didn't grow up here, and I
only lived here for like a month, but my *name* is Brooklyn!
A weird crack at Abe Vigoda, and then
for some reason, the audience is set to
side with Eden having more Brooklyn in
the blood.
Whatever that's supposed to mean. In
the meanwhile, the rest of the cast
play connect the dots with spray paint
so that by the end, they've written the
word "BKLYN".
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Connect the dots is fun! I wonder whose job it is to clean
the spraypaint off of this thing night after night.
LATINA GIRL
Shut up.
BLACK GIRL
(to Eden)
So if you think you're a better singer than I, prove it. At
the end of the play, in an obligatory second-to-last showdown
scene, let's have a duel out at Madison Square Garden!
EDEN ESPINOSA
Deal!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Now, instead of breaking for an intermission at this peak
high-tension point in the middle of the play, we're going to
go on INTERMISSIONLESS!
SEATS IN THE
PLYMOUTH THEATRE
(singing)
WE, ARE,
VERY UN-COMFORTABLE.
WE, ARE,
VERY UN-COMFORTABLE.
DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD AN INTER-MISS-ISS-ION
SOMETHING HEART HEART LOVE LOVE LOVE!
AUDIENCE
Shut up.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
So meanwhile all through this, she was still looking for her
father. Now I haven't sung since the opening song, so I'm
going to play the "MAGIC MAN", a homeless guy!
Instead of waiting until after his
character and EDEN meet, Cleavant *now*
sings the song MAGIC MAN, which is
supposed to introduce his character.
It stops the plot cold for six or seven
minutes so that we can hear more
generic universal truths about heart
and love.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
And as the MAGIC MAN, I'm standing on the streets when Eden
comes along.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Hey... I know you!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Why, because you recognize me as the MAGIC MAN who will
further tell you what your character should do next?
EDEN ESPINOSA
No, you were like totally in Sliders! I loved that show.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
...anyway, I know my intro song was like seven minutes. So
now, for an entire minute max, I'm here to tell you that you
need to go FIND YOUR FATHER! Good thing my character came to
reiterate that. And now, I disappear.
He DOES.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
So she went off to Brooklyn to find her father, and heard a
guy singing the unfinished lullaby.
Latina girl moves entire set around to
look like a slum. Enter room with guy
who is doing heroin.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Are you my father?
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
No, I just knew him, but I'm not him. Interestingly enough,
the audience can't tell whether I'm lying or not because,
since we all have been playing multiple parts, who knows if
I'm playing the same character or a different one. This is
actually a really clever device.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Ah, you're not my father.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
His name was Taylor. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to take
some heroin.
He DOES. It is gratuitous, but
somewhat artistic.
Eden walks center stage into a
spotlight and sings about having not
found her father.
EDEN ESPINOSA
(singing)
I NEVER KNEW HIS NAME...
(key change, belts, lights get
brighter:)
I NEVER KNEW HIS... NAME!!!!
Eden walks back to White Guy With
Beard.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Taylor?
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Yeah? Oh... crap.
(pause)
That was goofy.
EDEN ESPINOSA
It is you! You're my Dad!
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
No, go away! Even though we keep saying during the musical
what sort of a love I had for your mother, I definitely
wouldn't be able to have any sort of love for my one and only
daughter.
(to audience)
See? That's what DRUGS do to you! And WAR! ESPECIALLY
`NAM!
EDEN ESPINOSA
Yes, DRUGS are BAD!
(to White Guy)
I want to know what happened to you, but since you won't tell
me I will look into your eyes to find out.
She DOES. Suddenly, just because she
looked into his eyes, she can see
everything that happens in the
following gratuitous but very-necessary
to-the-plot FLASHBACK. The grim
contents of this flashback totally
marrs the "fairy tale" notion of the
play.
Latina Girl moves set around to become
like Vietnam War.
LATINA GIRL
I'm TIRED of just moving the set around! I haven't had a
line since the first ten minutes of the play!
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Yeah, that's why you have to be the one who moves most of the
set around. The rest of us are playing "roles".
(to EDEN)
So I tried writing to your mother, but she never got the
letters!
We see a quick scene where the mother
gets thrown out of her parent's house
for being pregnant.
THE SCENE WHERE THE MOTHER
GOT KICKED OUT
Boy, I wish I had been shown much earlier in the play!
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
See? She got kicked out of her house and I never knew! And
so I lost contact with her, even though she could have very
well written me a letter to let me know she wasn't living at
home anymore if she apparently loved me so much.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Wait, how does a flashback of yours show me things you don't
know?
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
How is it you learn, from just looking into my eyes but
without me actually telling it to you, everything we have yet
to talk about throughout the musical so far?
EDEN ESPINOSA
Touche.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
And so I was in war, and trying to finish the unfinished
lullaby when an explosion hit.
Explosion sounds.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
(to mimed dead body)
Buddy! Please, don't die on me!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
(deadpan delivery)
Dead.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
(to another body)
No! Not you too!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Dead.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
(another body)
No! And you can't also die on me!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Dead.
Audience begins clapping.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Dead.
Audience clapping grows louder to a
cacophony.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Dead. Dead, dead, dead dead DEAD!
Standing ovation.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
What the hell is that for?
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
(smiles)
I have the most fantastic deadpan delivery of "dead", you
see.
SCENE: FLASH FORWARD TO 2005 TONY AWARDS.
PRESENTER JUDE LAW
And the most fantastic deadpan delivery of the word "dead"
goes to... that guy from "Sliders"!
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Why, thank you, thank you! I just want to thank everybody
else who was in "Sliders", especially that one Professor guy
from Indiana Jones who ended up being the Dwarf in Lord of
the Rings--
(looks at Jude Law)
Hey, how the hell are you in the movies "Sky Captain and the
World of Tomorrow", "I Heart Huckabees" and "Alfie" which are
all out at the same time?
PRESENTER JUDE LAW
One might also ask why the hell I'm presenting at the Tonys.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
Ah. One might, m'boy. Now if you excuse me, I have to
SLIDE!
(disappears through wormhole)
SCENE: BACK IN AVENUE A LOT, WHERE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE
JUST SITTING THERE *MOOING*!
EDEN ESPINOSA
Now that I've looked into your eyes, I see so many plot holes
filled in! So when I go to Madison Square Garden, I want you
to come onstage with me!
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Uh... That's sorta weird and nonsensical that you want me
onstage, but sure, okay. I guess you're a whore for human
interest stories that the tabloid will do about you.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Good, you can teach me the rest of the unfinished lullaby.
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
I actually still haven't finished it.
EDEN ESPINOSA
What? You had like twenty five years!
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
Oh, deal.
Latina girl moves set some more to put
us Backstage in Madison Square Garden,
and then walks off to demand a
stagehand salary to double on top of
the actor's salary she gets.
BLACK GIRL
Here you go, white guy with beard. Forget about going up
onstage; why not just take this cocaine from me instead?
WHITE GUY WITH BEARD
No, "Perri-Air-Freshener", you're misunderstanding, in the
other scene my drug of choice is heroin.
BLACK GIRL
Whatever.
He does anyway, making the underlying
message that DRUGS ARE BAD.
Except maybe Marijuana. They don't
refer to Marijuana in this musical, so
maybe Marijuana's actually okay.
Seriously, there's no way the Sliders
guy hasn't tried Pot.
BLACK GIRL
(steps into center spotlight)
Boy, I'm a real asshole for giving her father drugs so that
he won't go onstage, but inside, I have a real heart.
She sings a song about how deep inside
she has a real heart. This is
purposeless because after the song is
done, she goes back to being an asshole
again.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
And so, they both sang in Madison Square Garden.
First, enter Black Girl in a really
awesome and hilarious gown made up
entirely of caution tape and a
headdress made of Fritos bags.
COSTUME DESIGNER TOBIN OST
Hah, I'm totally getting a boatload of jobs after this
musical.
Black Girl sings a song. It ends with
a key change and a huge belting as
lights get brighter. Sounding a lot
like the previous dozen songs, it's
really not all that memorable.
Enter Eden Espinoza.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Hi, I'm here, and here's my father!
Father doesn't come out.
EDEN ESPINOSA
Oh no, the drug user father didn't come through winningly at
the final moment!
The show pats itself on the back for
not being cliche.
EDEN ESPINOSA
But wait, it's the homeless guy from Sliders! A character
that would have been better off if he was actually in my
character's head!
Cleavant Derricks comes out as the
"Magic Man" from earlier in, and (God
knows why) Eden sings with him onstage
in Madison Square Garden. They both
sing, then belt really loud and lose
their voices after having done this
eight times a week.
BLACK GIRL
I, Perri-Air-Freshener, have won the contest!
EDEN ESPINOSA
(hoarse voice)
Why?
BLACK GIRL
Because I'm the only one here who hasn't lost my vo--
(her voice goes hoarse)
oice yet.... oh crap, there it goes. Ftttt....
Obligatorily, Eden and the White Guy
with Beard make up, making the audience
happy and enjoying of this fairy tale.
CLEAVANT DERRICKS
See? Fairy tales are wonderful.
Cleavant Derricks then imparts some end
of-play information that makes this
entire fairy tale a lot less optimistic
and hopeful, and confuses the show's
notion of whether fairy tales can come
true or are unrealistic.
The five-person, hoarse-voiced cast
does their curtain call. Then, the
seventy piece orchestra comes out.
EDEN ESPINOSA
(looking at huge Orchestra)
What the hell? No wonder I have to sing so loud!
Cast leaves to drink some hot CHAMOMILE
and take some GINSENG.
BLACKOUT.
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