CAROLINE, OR CHANGE: A "Broadway Abridged" Script
(A.K.A "Caroline or Crack")
By Gil Varod
SCENE: LAUNDRY ROOM.
CAROLINE
Hello, and welcome to "Low Concept" theatre, where we show
you musicals during which nothing actually happens. I'm
Caroline, a black woman in 1963 Louisiana, and a housekeeper
for a Jewish Family. My life is full of such woe, the washer
and dryer are my only friends. In fact, let's
Anthropomorphize them and have them sing!
Enter a Large Black Woman and a
Man Who Looks Like A Pimp.
LARGE BLACK WOMAN
I am the washing machine! And wow is it hot in this
basement!
MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A PIMP
And I am the dryer! And oh is your life full of woe.
CAROLINE
Gee, Greek Choruses are fun! What happens when I turn on the
radio?
She does. Silence.
CAROLINE
I said, "what happens when I turn on the radio?"
Silence again.
CAROLINE
I SAID, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I--
THREE SUPREME-LIKE FEMALES
(entering)
Hey, sorry about that. We're doing triple duty; we had to
rush over from the Virginia Theatre to do scene one from
Little Shop of Horrors.
CAROLINE
Well, Radio, can you sing a song for me?
THREE SUPREME-LIKE FEMALES
Sure.
(Sings:)
AIN'T NOTHING LIKE THE REAL THING BABY,
AIN'T NOTHING LIKE THE REAL TH--
A watch alarm beeps.
THREE SUPREME-LIKE FEMALES
Oh, sorry about that. We need to rush over to the Neil Simon
Theatre, turns out we're in the third scene of Hairspray.
The set closes in. Caroline stands out
in a field of black as she sings:
CAROLINE
WHOA IS MY LIFE FULL OF WOE!
SCENE: LIVING ROOM OF THE JEWISH FAMILY.
Enter SON and FATHER.
FATHER
Son, I am so sad since your mother died. But it's okay, I've
taken on this Trophy Wife!
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Wow, my mother died and I have to get used to a new mother.
What a unique and new situation to be dramatized. I wonder
if I'll take a liking to her!
FATHER
Well, I'm still depressed about your dead mom. So I think
I'll hide myself in the clarinet.
He DOES.
Enter TROPHY WIFE/STEPMOTHER.
STEPMOTHER
Now son, because your father's busy upstairs playing the
clarinet and not really developing as a character, I'll have
to be the dominant parent around here. For starters, I think
you have to start being a bit more careful about your
finances. For example...
(pulls out questionable
substance)
I found this crack in your pants pocket.
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Stepmom, I can explain. I was holding it for somebod--
STEPMOTHER
How much did this crack cost you? Huh?
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
It cost... uh...
STEPMOTHER
HOW MUCH?
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
It cost $8.
STEPMOTHER
Eight dollars. You almost threw away eight dollars here in
1963!
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
It really wasn't mine, I swe--
STEPMOTHER
Well here's the deal. From now on, if you leave anything in
your pocket, our maid Caroline gets to keep it.
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
...what?
STEPMOTHER
That'll teach you to be more careful with your narcotics.
The set closes in. Stepmother stands
out in a field of black as she sings:
STEPMOTHER
IF ONLY I COULD GET HIM
TO THINK OF ME
AS MOTHER...
SCENE: LAUNDRY ROOM.
CAROLINE
What did you say?
STEPMOTHER
I said, every time our son leaves crack in his pants pockets,
you can keep it. Think of it as a raise.
Stepmother leaves.
CAROLINE
That's f***ed up.
The set closes in. Caroline stands out
in a field of black as she sings:
CAROLINE
THAT'S SO INTENSELY F***ED UP....
SCENE: BUS STOP.
Caroline sits with DOTTY MOFFETT.
CAROLINE
So I don't know what to do. On one hand, that's good crack I
can sell to give my kids a better life. On the other hand, I
can't take crack from a child! That's demeaning!
DOTTY MOFFETT
...
CAROLINE
Hello? Dotty Moffett?
DOTTY MOFFETT
Sorry... just trying to figure out what the point of my
character is in this musical.
LARGE BLACK WOMAN
MOON CHANGE!
DOTTY MOFFETT
Whoa, what was that?
LARGE BLACK WOMAN
MOON CHANGE!
CAROLINE
It's just the moon. They anthropomorphized the moon too.
LARGE BLACK WOMAN
MOON CHANGE! Oh, by the way, I'm a different large black
woman than the one who played the washer. You won't be able
to tell the parts weren't double-cast until the curtain call.
DOTTY MOFFETT
What's the point of the moon, Caroline?
CAROLINE
I'm not really sure... apparently Tony Kushner felt that we
needed to add another "thing" that talks.
LARGE BLACK WOMAN
MOON CHANGE! MOON CHANGE! MOON CHANGE!
DOTTY MOFFETT
Is that all she's here for, to say "moon change"?
CAROLINE
Guess so... well, as long as after the Moon we don't
anthropomorphize yet another thing just for the sake of
anthropo--
Enter a man with a steering wheel.
MAN WITH STEERING WHEEL
I am the Bus. And I am here to note that I just heard JFK is
dead.
DOTTY MOFFETT
Oooh, a historical reference, that creates credibility!
CAROLINE
Odd how it doesn't affect out lives. Because it should have
done more than that since the subject is full of a lot of
pain and bitter.
The set closes in. Man With Steering
Wheel stands out in a field of black as
he sings:
MAN WITH STEERING WHEEL
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PLAYING AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC CHARACTER ON
BROADWAY...
SCENE: CAROLINE'S HOUSE.
CAROLINE
Here children, here's spending money.
CAROLINE'S YOUNG BOYS WHO
ARE BETTER ACTORS THAN THE
ANNOYING WHITE BOY
Wow Mom, where ever did you get it?
CAROLINE
I'm not telling you, but in case anybody asks it was not by
selling crack found in the young white boy's pants pocket.
CAROLINE'S DAUGHTER
Hey mom, did you hear? Some kids broke that statue of the
southern Civil War hero and stole its head!
CAROLINE
Oh boy, the tacked-on authentication of time period just
keeps coming, doesn't it.
INTERMISSION.
AUDIENCE
So... in Act Two... something has to *happen*... right?
Silence.
AUDIENCE
RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?
SCENE: LAUNDRY ROOM.
CAROLINE
Oh, whoa is me, I still must do laundry.
THREE SUPREME-LIKE FEMALES
(singing)
AND AS YOU WASH, WE GO BACK INTO MEMORIES...
CAROLINE
(singing)
ALAS I AM POOR,
ALAS I AM IN WOE,
I REMEMBER HAVING A HUSBAND
I REMEMBER THE DAY HE LEFT ME
I REMEMBER THINKING HE WOULD RETURN
I REMEMBER---
(speaking)
Hey, wait a minute... why am I talking about this? This
seems so irrelevant this late in the show.
Enter Tony Kusher, the playwright for
"Angels in America" guy who also
wrote... uh... "Angels in America Part
Two".
LIBRETTO-WRITER TONY KUSHNER
Don't worry about making sense. I think the rich white
audience feels alienated anyway hearing a story about a poor
black woman.
CAROLINE
So what are you going to do about it?
LIBRETTO-WRITER TONY KUSHNER
What any sane person would do to get a Broadway audience
interested in a play. Make it more Jewish!
SCENE: LIVING ROOM OF THE JEWISH FAMILY.
Annoying White Kid, Father, Stepmom and
MISTER STOPNICK are having a Hanukkah
Party.
ALL WHITE CHARACTERS ONSTAGE
(singing)
WE'RE SPINNING THE DREIDELS
AND DANCING THE HORA
AND CELEBRATING HANUKKAH
THOUGH IT'S NOT IN THE TORAH...
AUDIENCE
Not sure what this has to do with a black woman's sorrows.
FATHER
Hey, look at me, I can play the clarinet!
He does, but doesn't even move his
fingers while "playing" it.
MISTER STOPNICK
Listen boy, I thought I should give you a nice present for
Hanukkah.
He hands a small box to the boy, who
opens it up.
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Wow, it's a set of keys to a Cadillac--
MISTER STOPNICK
--with another couple hundred pounds of crack stored in its
bumper! Now you take care to not lose those keys, because
whoever owns the keys owns the car and the crack!
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Wow, thanks random-character-who-was-in-one-scene-total!
SCENE: CLASSROOM
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Boy, I can't wait till I get home to drive around in my car
and deal all of that crack! Let me just get out my keys--
Reaches in pocket.
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Uh-oh.
SCENE: LAUNDRY ROOM.
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
Give me back my keys!
CAROLINE
No!
REALLY ANNOYING WHITE KID
I said give me back my keys!
CAROLINE
Okay.
She hands back the keys to him.
CAROLINE
I quit.
The set closes in. Caroline stands out
in a field of black as she sings a
long, "Rose's Turn" style solo. It is
sung beautifully.
SCENE: CURTAIN CALL.
Out comes the entire 18-person cast,
which seems like just a bit much for a
musical which only had five real
characters.
LIBRETTO-WRITER TONY KUSHNER
(to audience)
So now that you've seen my first real musical, what did you
think?
AUDIENCE
Well, now that's the musical's over--
LIBRETTO-WRITER TONY KUSHNER
Yeah?
AUDIENCE
What particularly made you decide that this should be a
musical instead of a play? Because it doesn't necessarily
seem to scream out any need for musicalization.
CAROLINE'S DAUGHTER
(interrupting)
Hey, don't you wonder what really happened to that statue of
the Southern Civil War Hero?
AUDIENCE
Not really.
CAROLINE'S DAUGHTER
Turns out my friends and I were really the ones wh--
Oh... okay then... uh... sorry to bother.
Caroline's daughter leaves.
BLACKOUT.
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