A CHORUS LINE ABRIDGED
Or, "Michael Bennett Was A Sick, Sick Man"
By Gil Varod
SCENE: A SIMPLE LINE. WHICH MIGHT HAVE BEEN CLEVER BACK WHEN
THE ORIGINAL PRODUCTION CAME OUT, BUT NOW IT'S UTTER CRAP.
Curtain rises on kids dancing. It's a
nice curtain, but it's rather dated and
overrated. </metaphor>
Enter Michael Berresse as "The
Director".
Notice that if you change the r's to n's,
and the s's to t's in "Berresse", you're
only one extra silent "e" away from
"Bennett".
Coinicidence? I think not...
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch... again....
Dancing continues. Most of their
dancing is OUT OF SYNC with each other.
This is supposedly OKAY because it's an
audition, but between you and me,
they're just NOT TRYING.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Good. Now I've seen you all dance, and being that we're
casting for eight dancers, you'd figure I could just tell you
all to go home and I'll give you calls when the final
decision has been made.
Dancers start to pack up their stuff
and get--
MICHAEL BERRESSE
But the producers apparently blew another thousand dollars to
rent this space for WAY longer than I really need. Also, I'm
apparently a SADISTIC BASTARD.
So instead I'm going to ask you to divulge very personal
information in front of these random strangers for over two
hours, NO INTERMISSION!
He leaves the stage and delivers the
rest of his lines via wireless mic from
god knows where.
[THE DISEMBODIED VOICE OF]
MICHAEL BERRESSE
(points to one guy)
YOU!
GUY WHO SINGS
"I CAN DO THAT"
Yeah?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Tell me, how did you begin dancing?
GUY WHO SINGS
"I CAN DO THAT"
I began with tap, tap is my strongest--
MICHAEL BERRESSE
No. Tell it like in a story!
GUY WHO SINGS
"I CAN DO THAT"
(in song)
WELL, MY SISTER USED TO TAKE TAP LESSONS
BUT SHE GOT TIRED OF THEM
SO MY MOTHER TOLD ME SHE'D BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME
IF I DIDN'T TAKE MY SISTER'S PLACE
BECAUSE SHE PAID FOR THE LESSONS IN A TEN-PACK
(tapdances some)
SO I PUT ON MY SISTER'S SHOES
AND STARTED DANCING!
Silence. Crickets.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
That was very possibly the most boring story ever. Nothing
actually happened.
GUY WHO SINGS
"I CAN DO THAT"
But I did it in song--
MICHAEL BERRESSE
YOU! Tell me your inner demons!
NOT-VERY-FUNNY GUY
You want to hear me hide the unhappiness of my childhood with
a really poor attempt at jokes?
(says something not very funny)
REST OF CAST
(pretends to find funny what
not-funny-guy is saying)
NOT-VERY-FUNNY GUY
(continues to not be very
funny, but in mute)
...
REST OF CAST
(singing in unison to the
fourth wall)
WHAT SHOULD I TELL HIM WHEN I GET CHOSEN?
WHAT DOES HE WANT TO HEAR?
WHAT A STRANGE AUDITION PROCESS.
DO I REALLY WANT TO BE WORKING FOR THIS SICK BASTARD?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
YOU! Beg for a job!
BITCHY CHARACTER
(bitchily)
Look at me. I have attitude! Lots of it. And lots of self
confidence. Let's spend five minutes building up my self
confidence. And showing how great I think I am!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
How great do you think you are if I ask you to...
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FATHER!
BITCHY CHARACTER
NOOOOO!
(cries)
Daddy didn't love me enough!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Ah ha ha ha! Who else's parents didn't love them?
ANOTHER GIRL
My mommy used to say I was ugly!
A THIRD GIRL
And my parents had me to see if it would fix their loveless
marriage!
THAT GIRL FROM
"SPRING AWAKENING"
My Daddy used to beat me!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Excuse me, we're trying to stick to the DATED shock value of
the 70s, thank you. Girls, you were saying?
ALL THREE
(in unison)
WE WERE NOT LOVED GROWING UP
SO WE BECAME DANCERS
BECAUSE DANCING HEALS ALL!
ENTIRE CAST
DANCING HEALS ALL! ART HEALS ALL!
TUCK THIS MESSAGE INTO YOUR MUSICAL
AND YOU CAN WIN A PULITZER PRIZE!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Good so far, but you aren't HUMILIATED enough yet! Let's
talk about PUBERTY!
Silence.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT PUBERTY OR YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO
EAT FOOD!
A GUY
I discovered I was GAY!
ANOTHER GUY
I had to work at a nightclub wearing PASTIES!
ANOTHER NAMELESS SOUL
I was short, and people used to STEP ON MY HEAD!
YET ANOTHER GUY
Far before SPELLING BEE stole the joke, I discovered I would
get erections walking down the hall.
FIRST GUY
You would too? Boy, I thought it was only me!
YET ANOTHER GUY
Nah man, a lot of people get them! In fact, thanks to this
too-tight costume, you can see I have one right now!
Audience shivers.
CAST
(singing)
YOU SEE, IT'S OKAY TO BE AWKWARD
WHEN YOU'RE GROWING UP
CHILDHOOD IS TOUGH
BUT YOU'LL GROW STRONGER SOON!
HALLMARK CARDS, INC.
We don't mind this show being based on us; we get a
percentage of the profits!
THE PUBLIC THEATRE'S
FREE SHAKESPEARE
IN THE PARK PROGRAM
Yeah? How do you think WE can afford to exist?
The humiliation thickens:
MICHAEL BERRESSE
YOU! Tell me about your tits! In front of all of these
strangers, as if it was a totally normal thing to do!
GIRL WITH
TOTALLY NORMAL TITS
I bought these.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
I SAID EVERYBODY LOOK AT HER BOOBS!
(to girl)
And what were you before?
GIRL WITH
TOTALLY NORMAL TITS
Flat.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
And what are you now?
GIRL WITH
TOTALLY NORMAL TITS
Being that it's the 1970s, probably at risk for any number of
medical problems.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
(tokes)
Oh god this is the best day I've had in awhile!
ENTIRE CAST
(singing)
WHAT DOES HE WANT TO KNOW?
DOESN'T ACTORS EQUITY FORBID THIS?
WELL I SUPPOSE IT MIGHT NOT
AFTER ALL
THIS IS SET IN THE 70S
BOY THE 70S WERE
WEEIIIIIRRDDD!!!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Okay, I've ran out of random stupid questions to ask you.
I'll just tally up these scorecards, equating my "ability to
break down your sense of self worth" with "who's most likely
to go down on me during the rehearsal process". In the
meanwhile, it JUST OCCURRED TO ME that I should probably see
which of you can SING.
GIRL WHO CAN'T SING AND HAS
AN ENTIRE DAMN SONG ABOUT IT
I can't. At all.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Strange how we missed that entirely during the audition song
you theoretically would have sung to get to this point in the
audition process. No matter.
You and everybody else go stage right and learn that one song
from this musical that everybody really likes.
Everybody leaves except for Charlotte
d'Amboise.
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
You wanted to see me?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Yes Charlotte d'Amb... How do I pronounce that?
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
Charlotte.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
No I mean...
No matter. I want to talk to you about how you got out of
the chorus to be a leading role, and how in becoming a part
of this show you've relegated yourself to being back in the
chorus again.
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
Well, Michael, I was in Chicago on-and-off for years, and
Sweet Charity when Christina Applegate wasn't around, and
also in Damn Yankees, but I kept getting the part of
understudy or replacement, so I figured that--
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Oh wait... You think I'm talking about...
No I mean your *character*, your *character* had risen out of
the chorus to...
Oh my god I can't tell you and your character apart!
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
Is it my acting?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
No, no, it's the typecasting. The incredibly...
uncomfortable typecasting. Jesus you're playing a more
depressing version of yourself.
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
Well perhaps HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW is a good time to
FINALLY point out that you and I have had a relationship!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Yes, I was directing a show, and you were in it, and we dated
and slept together!
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
Wait... I wasn't in [title of show]. You slept with someone
in [title of show]?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
No... Cassie--
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
Charlotte.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Let's please *try* to separate real life from--
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
I LOVE TO DANCE!
She dances. There's lots of mirrors.
She watches herself dance. We also
watch her dance.
This goes on for like ten minutes.
Nothing happens.
Some of the audience heads to the
bathroom, realizing that this the best
they're going to get as far as
intermissions go.
SCENE: MEN'S ROOM
AUDIENCE MEMBER
(knocking on bathroom stall)
Come on, hurry up already!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
(from inside stall)
No! They said I get to deliver my lines from wherever I
want!
Insert fart joke here.
(A good one, preferably.)
SCENE: BACK ONSTAGE.
GUY WITH SAD MONOLOGUE
(entering)
I'm ready with my soul-baring monologue.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
It BETTER be soul-baring. Make up stuff if you have to.
The more wretched it is, the more likely I am to hire you.
GUY WITH SAD MONOLOGUE
Really?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Shit who knows.
The guy gives a long, slow, sad
monologue of how he used to dress up
like a girl and dance, and how
humiliating it was.
GUY WITH SAD MONOLOGUE
But I hid it from my parents the whole time, they knew I was
in a show but didn't know I was dressed like a girl! Then we
were going to go on tour, but when my parents came to drop
off my luggage the last night before the tour, they saw me
onstage as a lady!
He cries. Michael Berresse comes back
onstage for the first time in a good
hour.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
(giving hug, like he's the
guy's father or something)
Aww... Guy With Sad Monologue, why are you crying? Is it
because your father found out you were a crossdresser and you
were SHAMEFUL?
GUY WITH SAD MONOLOGUE
No, it's because my parents didn't find out until they came
to drop my luggage off! If I was in some show, wouldn't you
think they would have wanted to see what it was? NO! They
never even asked! Because my parents NEVER LOVED ME!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
(to audience)
Do you see?
Do you see what happens to kids whose parents don't love them
enough? They feel unloved! They crave attention! They
become... ACTORS!
DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO END UP LIKE THIS?
The actors enter. They are young,
bright eyed and full of hope, ready for
their dreams to be CRUSHED.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
(to actors)
NOW DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!
As they're dancing, the guy who was the
best dancer out of all of them falls
and breaks his leg.
GUY WHO FELL
Oh no! I fell and may never be able to dance again!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Stop the audition process!
A few guys lift him and bring him to
the hospital. It is located offstage.
How CONVENIENT.
ONE OF THE GIRLS
How did he fall?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
I waxed up his shoes while he was downstairs learning the
song.
ONE OF THE GIRLS
What? Why?!?!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Creates a nice little segue into the question,
"What would you do if you couldn't dance?"
ONE GIRL
Well I don't know what I'd do.
A GUY
I'd find another job!
ANOTHER GIRL
I'd say,
(singing)
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
I DID IT FOR LOVE!
I DID IT FOR LOVE!
ENTIRE CAST
(singing)
WE DID IT FOR LOVE!
Button. Audience applauds because this
is a syrupy-sweet eleven o'clock
number, and that is what they were
trained to do.
Good audience. You get a treat!
ONE OF THE GUYS
Wait, did what for love? Break our leg and never dance
again? I don't get--
MICHAEL BERRESSE
I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
(awkward silence)
I'm ready now to tell you who made it into my Broadway show.
SHORT GIRL
Didn't we cut that dance audition short?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Doesn't matter. I actually already chose the cast well
before the curtain rose, this is just how I get off.
SHORT GIRL
What? But all these questions you've been asking--
MICHAEL BERRESSE
I'm going to steal your personal material to write a Broadway
show that is going to run forever and make me millions.
SHORT GIRL
Our stories? Oh, so we get royalties!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
No. People whose names I call, step forward.
He calls eight actors' names.
EIGHT ACTORS WHO ARE
STEPPING FORWARD
(to themselves)
Yes! We made it! Elation!
MICHAEL BERRESSE
PSYCHE! You are the eight who DIDN'T make it!
But you should have seen your faces when I brought your hopes
way up before CRUSHING them! AH ha ha ha ha ha!
The eight walk away.
ONE OF THE ACTORS
WALKING AWAY
(under breath)
Asshole.
MICHAEL BERRESSE
The rest of you are in my Broadway show. Good for you!
Go change into gold-colored clothing and get ready for the
finale!
All sixteen now come out in identical
spangled-gold-costumes as they sing
"One".
ONE OF THE DANCERS
(to Charlotte)
Hey... wait wasn't there a movie version of this that your
*husband* was in?
CHARLOTTE D'AMBOISE
The character of Cassie doesn't have a husband. She dated the
director.
ONE OF THE DANCERS
Sigh. Nevermind...
The identical costumes make it
difficult to distinguish one from
another, causing each character who was
an "individual" to now become part of
the anonymous ensemble.
Unfortunately this notion is entirely
killed when every cast member enters
onstage one at a time, each getting
their own individual applause.
ENTIRE CAST
ONE!
ONE!
ONE!
ONE!
More audience applause, then the show
is over--
GUY WHO FELL
(entering)
Whoa, turns out I was just fine, my leg stopped hurting maybe
five minutes later and I'm perfectly...
He looks around. The stage is empty.
GUY WHO FELL
Guys? Guys? Did I get a part?
MICHAEL BERRESSE
Oh... You... I assumed that since you fell, you weren't going
to be--
GUY WHO FELL
Nah, I'm fine.
Michael Berresse checks to see if
anybody's around.
Then he shoots The Guy Who Fell, and
buries him under the floorboard of the
Schoenfeld Theater.
The moral of the story here is that
DIRECTORS ARE EVIL.
Learn that.
BLACKOUT.
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