Dracula: Abridged

                                      DRACULA:
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod





            SCENE: DRACULA'S PLACE, TRANSYLVANIA, DURING AN OPENING SCENE
            THAT DOESN'T GRAB YOU AT ALL, NOR DOES IT REALLY ESTABLISH
            ANYTHING.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
                                   walks into the house.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S
                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER
            Hey, Dracula, are you home?

                                   Enter TOM HEWITT, wearing a Dracula
                                   Costume from Toys R' Us and very
                                   obvious "look at me I'm incredibly old"
                                   makeup and wig.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Hello, uh... who are you?

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S 
                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER
            I think I'm your landlord or broker or real estate agent or
            something.  Why the opening scene centers around a generally
            minor character that the audience never emotionally connects
            with, beats me.  
            But I've come to show you pictures of your house in England,
            and this is the last time we'll mention or show the idea of
            you having bought a house in England.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Whatever.  It's not important to our plot.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S 
                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER
            Plot?

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Shh you.  So... Uh... Yeah, you can't shave in my house cause
            there are no mirrors. 

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S 
                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER
            Okay, whatever.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Get it?  It's because I'm a vamp--

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S 
                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER
            Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Oh.  Hey... when does Melissa Errico show up in this story?

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
                                   CHARACTER
            Uh... Not for another twenty minutes.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Hmm.  We should introduce her as a character.
                          (pulls out the 
                           "Frank Wildhorn iPod")
            Here.  You use the touch wheel and select the "duets" genre. 
            Then pick any one at random; they're all nondescript and
            interchangeable.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO pointlessly appears and
                                   together with HUSBAND CHARACTER, sings
                                   "You Are My Home" from Scarlet
                                   Pimpernel or "Take Me as I Am" from
                                   Jekyll and Hyde or something or rather.

                                   Does it really make a difference?

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
                                   CHARACTER
            There.  Now everybody knows that Melissa Errico plays a part
            in the musical, but we know absolutely nothing about her
            character except that her and I are engaged.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            That's a shame.  She's the main character and it would be
            nice if we knew more about her.  Oh well.  Anyway, definitely
            sleep in your bedroom and not in the room with all the glass
            coffins.

                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER sleeps in room with
                                   glass coffins, each of which have a
                                   female vampire in them.  The lids of
                                   the glass coffins begin to open up.

                                   SCENIC DESIGNER HEIDI
                                   ETTINGER
            Oh gee... I guess it probably would've been a good idea to
            make those coffins something that's not glass so that you
            can't see the vampires' reflections.

                                   The lids of the coffins begin to open
                                   up and the three female vampires come
                                   out.

                                   DRACULETTES
            We want to drink your blood!

                                   TOM HEWITT
                          (to DRACULETTES)
            No, I told you, he's for me.  Only I can drink this one's
            blood, as I told you before.
                          (to HUSBAND)
            I told you not to sleep in that room!  Now I will drink your
            blood as a consequence.

                                   DRACULETTES
            As a consequence?  But we thought you had the plans to drink
            his blood regardless.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Shut it up, you.

                                   TOM HEWITT drinks HUSBAND'S blood. 
                                   When he comes up from drinking, he's no
                                   longer wearing the "old person" makeup
                                   and wig.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Ah ha!  Now I am young!  Of course, it's not known why I'm
            now young.  Is it because Dracula ages backwards, or do I get
            younger when I drink blood?

                                   Tom Hewitt flies away with obvious
                                   wires attached to him.  

                                   During transition to next scene, the
                                   Draculettes chant some random sounds
                                   and fly left and right, for no
                                   particular reason.

                                   The three who play the Draculettes when
                                   they fly are separate actresses from
                                   the three who play them when they
                                   aren't flying.  

                                   We can tell this because one group
                                   doesn't wait for the other to walk off
                                   the stage before they fly onto the
                                   stage.





            SCENE: INSANE ASYLUM

                                   INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
            Hello, INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT.

                                   INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
            Look how funny I am, I eat flies and spiders!

                                   It's not funny.

                                   Parient sings his only song, which
                                   includes an astounding number of
                                   phrases such as "A New Life" and
                                   "Children of the Night" that are
                                   actually titles to songs from Jekyll
                                   and Hyde.

                                   INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
            Well, Insane Asylum Patient who wasn't much comic relief at
            all, it was nice to have met you.

                                   INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
            Wait, what was the point of this scene?

                                   INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
            Well, to delay our real introduction to our main character
            Melissa Errico, so that we don't meet her until Act One is
            half done.

                                   INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
            And what was the point of my character as a whole?

                                   INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
            DO YOU WANT A PAYCHECK OR NOT?

                                   INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
            Yes sir.

                                   PATIENT eats more chocolate bugs.

                                   The Draculettes enter.  They fly again
                                   during the next transition, this time
                                   up and down.





            SCENE: LONDON

                                   Melissa Errico and Blonde Female are in
                                   a nondescript location.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            So, Blonde Female Friend, what's up?

                                   BLONDE FEMALE
            Well, there's three other characters in the play we haven't
            gotten to yet, and they want to all marry me.  Who shall I
            choose?

                                   She sings a song about how she chose
                                   the one she chose.

                                   COMPOSER FRANK WILDHORN
            Dammit Don and Christopher, I put in effort this time to at
            least make the MUSIC funny.  Can't you for once in this show
            make a LYRIC funny?

                                   LYRICISTS DON BLACK AND
                                   CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON
            Sure we can.

                                   Silence.

                                   LYRICISTS DON BLACK AND
                                   CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON (CONT'D)
            Uh... by "funny", you mean "cliche rhymes that you can guess
            coming a mile away, right"?





            SCENE: ANOTHER PART OF LONDON.

                                   Draculettes fly during transition, this
                                   time *diagonally*!  

                                   This particular "flying" transition is
                                   particularly pointless as we are only
                                   going from one place in London to
                                   another.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Now that I'm here, why don't I sing a song to really
            introduce my character?  An "Angel of Music" type of song.

                                   COMPOSER FRANK WILDHORN
            Nope, no time for that.





            SCENE: A DOCK IN LONDON

                                   Transition where Draculettes fly up and
                                   out of the water, wearing fisherman's
                                   coats and eating fish sticks.

                                   Lots of women in the cast enter with
                                   painfully fake mustaches playing the
                                   parts of men.  This is somewhat
                                   disturbing.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            I'm sailing somewhere.  I think I'm sailing to... my husband? 
            I don't know why I'm sailing to him or where he is.

                                   SUITOR TO BLONDE #1
            Well, we can't let her sail *alone*.

                                   SUITOR TO BLONDE #2
                          (as if it's a real rebuttal)
            Sure we can!  Look at all the technology that's changing the
            modern world!

                                   Everybody sings a song about
                                   technology, and the scene ends.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Wait, I couldn't sing a song explaining my character and why
            later in the play I'll keep hearing Tom Hewitt's voice
            speaking in my head... But we could sing a song about
            TECHNOLOGY?!?!?

                                   Transition: fifth verse, same as the
                                   first.





            SCENE: MELISSA ERRICO'S BEDROOM

                                   BLONDE FEMALE
            So apparently I sleepwalk or something... it probably
            would've made sense if this show's idea of "streamlining"
            wasn't just taking every fourth scene from Bram Stoker's
            novel.  Anyway, the point is that I've sleepwalked into your
            bedroom.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO 
            That's a bit kinky for my--

                                   BLONDE FEMALE
            No, I sleepwalked here, and I was bit by a vampire.

                                   TOM HEWITT
                          (voice-over)
            Yes, I meant to go for you, because I cannot live without
            you, Melissa Errico.  But she was there instead so I figured
            I'd go for her.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            You feel that you NEED me, but you went for her instead? 
            That makes no sense, Tom Hewitt, whose voice I can hear in my
            head.

                                   AUDIENCE
            Wait a second, she hears Tom Hewitt's voice in her head? 
            When did that happen?





            SCENE: BLONDE'S BEDROOM

                                   SUITOR TO BLONDE #3
            This is Van Helsing.  He's going to help us with Vampires.

                                   AUDIENCE
            Hugh Jackman was a lot hotter as Van Helsing in that movie
            that sucked just about as much as this show does.  Hey, this
            is weird... Boy From Oz also sucked just like this show does,
            but I actually enjoyed that one somewhat anyway!

                                   VAN HELSING
            So, I put garlic and crosses on her bed.  Now, Suitor to
            Blonde That Got Picked, make sure that you stay with your new
            wife at all times.  Everybody else, let's leave this scene
            and go do... oh who knows.

                                   They exit.

                                   BLONDE FEMALE
            Don't leave me, Suitor That Got Picked.  I'm afraid that if
            you're gone, the vampire will come get me.

                                   Upon hearing that, SUITOR THAT GOT
                                   PICKED leaves for no reason.

                                   BLONDE FEMALE
            Oh no.  Now that you've left, the vampire would surely get me
            if I took the crucifixes and garlic and threw it in that
            trunk over there.

                                   She DOES.

                                   Enter Tom Hewitt.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            I'm bored.

                                   BLONDE FEMALE
            Me too.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Why don't we get you fully naked.

                                   All of her clothes are removed.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            There, that oughta spice things up a bit!

                                   They DON'T.  

                                   Tom Hewitt bites Blonde's neck, all the
                                   while yawning.  

                                   He then sings a song that has Chords
                                   exactly matching that of a song from
                                   Jekyll and Hyde.  Much like every other
                                   song in this show.

                                   TOM HEWITT
                          (to Melissa Errico via that
                           telepathy thing that wasn't
                           really established or
                           explained)
            Watch out, you're next Melissa!

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            I am?

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Yes.  And before then, can you consider developing your
            character at least a little bit?  I mean seriously, you're
            the main character!

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Wait... I thought you were the main character!

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Oh Des!

                                   DIRECTOR DES MCANUFF
            Dammit Tom, what do you want?

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Is she the main character, or am I?

                                   DIRECTOR DES MCANUFF
            I told you, I stopped doing any directing on this musical
            months ago.  

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            But we have a problem!  The audience isn't identifying with
            either of us right now!  Which one is the audience supposed
            to care about?

                                   DIRECTOR DES MCANUFF
            Direct yourself.  If you need help, get a copy of Tommy,
            because apparently there's something I did right back then
            that I haven't even bothered trying to replicate.





            SCENE: FUNERAL PARLOR

                                   The set has a weird giant statue of a
                                   child with a skill, which is never
                                   explained or used to effect.

                                   Blonde Girl is dead.  Three Draculettes
                                   fly some more.  Tom Hewitt pulls Blonde
                                   Girl out of her grave and makes her
                                   undead.

                                   We can tell she's undead because she
                                   now wears Green Contact Lenses.

                                   Green Contact Lenses signify evil, you
                                   see.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            I'm scared.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
                                   CHARACTER
            Why are you scared?  Is it because your underdeveloped blonde
            friend character and Tom Hewitt are coming after you?

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            No, I'm scared for my career.  It's because I know that in
            Act Two I'm going to have to go topless, and all for this
            crap?!?!

                                   For no apparent reason, Tom Hewitt
                                   floats down from the sky for like the
                                   billionth time this play.

                                   Then, for even less a reason, he slowly
                                   turns upside down on his "you can see
                                   them" strings, and then opens his cape
                                   to look sort of like a bat.

                                   SCENIC DESIGNER HEIDI
                                   ETTINGER
            Look, see that?  We end act two with him turning upside
            down!!!!  Isn't that great?

                                   It isn't.

                                   BLACKOUT.





            INTERMISSION.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Wow, I miss playing characters that have had thought put into
            writing them.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            I miss the days where I could play a gothic character and was
            allowed to move my arms and legs when speaking and singing.

                                   STORYLINE
            I miss the days where I used to go places.

                                   PLOT
            I miss the days where I used to make sense.

                                   AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
            I missed half the show because I fell asleep.

                                   AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
            No... you really didn't.





            SCENE: GRAVEYARD, IN A SCENE THAT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED
            A LOT BETTER PUT INTO ACT ONE.

                                   The BLONDE girl, still with Green
                                   Contact Lenses, now has a random boy
                                   that she's holding hostage.

                                   RANDOM BOY
            Look mommy, I'm a stock character!

                                   VAN HELSING
            Quick, Suitor Who She Chose, if you want to save random boy,
            take this stake and drive it through your dead wife's heart.

                                   He DOES.  She dies, and nobody cares
                                   because she was the most boring out of
                                   all of the characters.

                                   VAN HELSING
            Good, stake through the heart.  Now we're more than halfway
            through the show, and we're finally establishing some of the
            vampire lore.

                                   The establishment of vampire lore ends
                                   there.





            SCENE: MELISSA ERRICO'S BEDROOM

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Come with me, Melissa.  You will live life forever.  It's
            glorious being immortal.  Meet me in my castle.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Yes, I now really can't live without you, Tom.  We haven't
            and won't explain that it's an inner feeling about me that I
            can't understand, or even whether you're controlling me. 
            We'll just let the audience take it as gospel.

                                   Melissa Errico pointlessly shows us her
                                   nipples.

                                   To be fair, they're very, very nice
                                   nipples.

                                   Tom Hewitt drinks her blood, and she
                                   drinks his.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            There, now because you did that, you will become a vampire.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Excellent.  We're an hour and forty-five minutes into the
            show and *now* we finally decide to begin creating tension.





            SCENE: FRANKLY, IT DOESN'T MATTER, SET PIECES AND DRACULETTES
            FLY IN AND OUT AT RANDOM.

                                   Enter Melissa Errico who, at least so
                                   far, hasn't become a vampire.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Van Helsing, because I can read Tom Hewitt's mind during
            sunrises and sunsets, you must hypnotize me at sunrises and
            sunsets to find out what he's doing.

                                   VAN HELSING
            I don't remember us ever establishing that you can read his
            mind, and only at sunrises and sunsets at that, but sure. 
            Why not.  I'll hypnotise you.

                                   SUITOR TO BLONDE #2
            Hey wait, you can hypnotize people?  We never established
            *that* either.

                                   VAN HELSING
            Sure, I can hypnotize people.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S 
                                   HUSBAND CHARACTER
            He can also shoot a gun at perfect bulls-eyes every time!

                                   SUITOR TO BLONDE #1
            He can also validate parking tickets!

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            He can also play the accordion!  He's just that amazing!

                                   Van Helsing hypnotizes Melissa Errico.

                                   VAN HELSING
            Now we know where he is!  Let's go!

                                   Van Helsing, the three suitors and the
                                   husband all sing a rousing rendition of
                                   "Into The Fire" from Scarlet Pimpernel.

                                   By the way, Pimpernel and Jekyll aside,
                                   there's also probably a song or two in
                                   this musical that are seemingly
                                   identical to Wildhorn's "Civil War". 
                                   But it's hard to say because nobody's
                                   actually seen it.





            SCENE: DRACULA'S PLACE.

                                   Enter Van Helsing and Melissa Errico.

                                   VAN HELSING
            Here, Melissa.  I'll put holy water around you to protect
            you, then I'll pointlessly walk offstage so you can step out
            of the holy water because you now really want to be with Tom
            Hewitt for no sensical reason.

                                   Van Helsing exits.

                                   Enter Tom Hewitt.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Melissa, instead of my original plan, I've decided--

                                   Frantically, the BROADWAY ABRIDGED
                                   SPOILERS GUY enters.

                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILERS GUY
                          (wearing his Rocky Horror Show
                           dress-up costume because he
                           was mis-informed)
            Hey everyone!  I just wanted to let you know that if you
            haven't seen "Dracula" and actually decided that this is a
            worthwhile cause to put your hard-earned money towards, now's
            the time to stop reading and go see the "Broadway Musical"
            before anything's ruined.  
                          (gags)
            Argh, I hesitate to really classify this as a Broadway
            Musical.  Seems like it should go into a theme park.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Hey, we haven't seen you in awhile.

                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILERS GUY
            Yeah, well, I know there's isn't much to this musical, but
            the least I could do was not spoil the ending.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Yeah, you'll never guess it.

                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILERS GUY
            Oooh, you mean it has a big payoff at the end?

                                   TOM HEWITT
            No, I mean it's so non-sensible to the show, there's no way
            you could guess something so random.

                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILERS GUY
            Ah.  Well, I think I won't bother staying around for the
            ending.  I had to already sit through Dance of the Vampires'
            ending.  That's enough for me.

                                   Broadway Abridged Spoilers Guy exits.

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Where was I... so Melissa, I've decided that I know why I'm
            so into you.  It's because you're the one who is going to
            kill me.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            What?

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Apparently since the last scene, but not in front of the
            audience, I somehow decided that it's better to die than to
            live without living life to the fullest.  I'm not sure if
            that means that I miss being able to go out during daylight,
            or I realize that I love you too much to truly hurt you, or
            if I just decided that being undead sucks.  Either way, you
            must kill me.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Oh, you mean with a wooden stake through the heart?

                                   TOM HEWITT
            No, just with a regular knife.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            But vampire lore only says that you can kill a vampire with a
            stea--

                                   TOM HEWITT
            Just kill me.

                                   Melissa stabs Tom and Tom dies, and
                                   Melissa is sad about this for some
                                   unexplained reason.  

                                   Enter every other character in the
                                   show.

                                   MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
                                   CHARACTER
            Well, all is well.

                                   Curtain begins to fall as 
                                   LIGHTS FADE TO BL--

                                   MELISSA ERRICO
            Wait, wait, didn't Tom and I drink each other's blood?  Why
            haven't I become a vampire?

                                   VAN HELSING
            Uh... Because... Uh.....

                                   Stage floor begins to open up.  Cast
                                   falls through PLOT HOLE.

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts


RECENT BLOG ENTRIES

Review: Quidam
There is a joke about every Disney theme park ride in the world being the same thing over and…
Blue Man Group: Revisited
"Is there anything I need to know about Blue Man Group going in?"How do you even describe Blue Man Group?…
Macbeth on Broadway
Alan Cumming is back on Broadway doing a limited run of his tour-de-force almost-one-man Macbeth, and it is a must-see. …
Les Miserables The Movie: Abridged
"Papa, Mister Hooper's camera is getting awfully close. ""Yes Cosette, that's called a 'bad touch'."…

ITBA

BROADWAY ABRIDGED LIVE! (THE CD)


Volume 1: Even More Musicals comedy album available for sale on iTunes/Amazon.