DRACULA:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: DRACULA'S PLACE, TRANSYLVANIA, DURING AN OPENING SCENE
THAT DOESN'T GRAB YOU AT ALL, NOR DOES IT REALLY ESTABLISH
ANYTHING.
MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
walks into the house.
MELISSA ERRICO'S
HUSBAND CHARACTER
Hey, Dracula, are you home?
Enter TOM HEWITT, wearing a Dracula
Costume from Toys R' Us and very
obvious "look at me I'm incredibly old"
makeup and wig.
TOM HEWITT
Hello, uh... who are you?
MELISSA ERRICO'S
HUSBAND CHARACTER
I think I'm your landlord or broker or real estate agent or
something. Why the opening scene centers around a generally
minor character that the audience never emotionally connects
with, beats me.
But I've come to show you pictures of your house in England,
and this is the last time we'll mention or show the idea of
you having bought a house in England.
TOM HEWITT
Whatever. It's not important to our plot.
MELISSA ERRICO'S
HUSBAND CHARACTER
Plot?
TOM HEWITT
Shh you. So... Uh... Yeah, you can't shave in my house cause
there are no mirrors.
MELISSA ERRICO'S
HUSBAND CHARACTER
Okay, whatever.
TOM HEWITT
Get it? It's because I'm a vamp--
MELISSA ERRICO'S
HUSBAND CHARACTER
Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious.
TOM HEWITT
Oh. Hey... when does Melissa Errico show up in this story?
MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
CHARACTER
Uh... Not for another twenty minutes.
TOM HEWITT
Hmm. We should introduce her as a character.
(pulls out the
"Frank Wildhorn iPod")
Here. You use the touch wheel and select the "duets" genre.
Then pick any one at random; they're all nondescript and
interchangeable.
MELISSA ERRICO pointlessly appears and
together with HUSBAND CHARACTER, sings
"You Are My Home" from Scarlet
Pimpernel or "Take Me as I Am" from
Jekyll and Hyde or something or rather.
Does it really make a difference?
MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
CHARACTER
There. Now everybody knows that Melissa Errico plays a part
in the musical, but we know absolutely nothing about her
character except that her and I are engaged.
TOM HEWITT
That's a shame. She's the main character and it would be
nice if we knew more about her. Oh well. Anyway, definitely
sleep in your bedroom and not in the room with all the glass
coffins.
HUSBAND CHARACTER sleeps in room with
glass coffins, each of which have a
female vampire in them. The lids of
the glass coffins begin to open up.
SCENIC DESIGNER HEIDI
ETTINGER
Oh gee... I guess it probably would've been a good idea to
make those coffins something that's not glass so that you
can't see the vampires' reflections.
The lids of the coffins begin to open
up and the three female vampires come
out.
DRACULETTES
We want to drink your blood!
TOM HEWITT
(to DRACULETTES)
No, I told you, he's for me. Only I can drink this one's
blood, as I told you before.
(to HUSBAND)
I told you not to sleep in that room! Now I will drink your
blood as a consequence.
DRACULETTES
As a consequence? But we thought you had the plans to drink
his blood regardless.
TOM HEWITT
Shut it up, you.
TOM HEWITT drinks HUSBAND'S blood.
When he comes up from drinking, he's no
longer wearing the "old person" makeup
and wig.
TOM HEWITT
Ah ha! Now I am young! Of course, it's not known why I'm
now young. Is it because Dracula ages backwards, or do I get
younger when I drink blood?
Tom Hewitt flies away with obvious
wires attached to him.
During transition to next scene, the
Draculettes chant some random sounds
and fly left and right, for no
particular reason.
The three who play the Draculettes when
they fly are separate actresses from
the three who play them when they
aren't flying.
We can tell this because one group
doesn't wait for the other to walk off
the stage before they fly onto the
stage.
SCENE: INSANE ASYLUM
INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
Hello, INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT.
INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
Look how funny I am, I eat flies and spiders!
It's not funny.
Parient sings his only song, which
includes an astounding number of
phrases such as "A New Life" and
"Children of the Night" that are
actually titles to songs from Jekyll
and Hyde.
INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
Well, Insane Asylum Patient who wasn't much comic relief at
all, it was nice to have met you.
INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
Wait, what was the point of this scene?
INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
Well, to delay our real introduction to our main character
Melissa Errico, so that we don't meet her until Act One is
half done.
INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
And what was the point of my character as a whole?
INSANE ASYLUM DOCTOR
DO YOU WANT A PAYCHECK OR NOT?
INSANE ASYLUM PATIENT
Yes sir.
PATIENT eats more chocolate bugs.
The Draculettes enter. They fly again
during the next transition, this time
up and down.
SCENE: LONDON
Melissa Errico and Blonde Female are in
a nondescript location.
MELISSA ERRICO
So, Blonde Female Friend, what's up?
BLONDE FEMALE
Well, there's three other characters in the play we haven't
gotten to yet, and they want to all marry me. Who shall I
choose?
She sings a song about how she chose
the one she chose.
COMPOSER FRANK WILDHORN
Dammit Don and Christopher, I put in effort this time to at
least make the MUSIC funny. Can't you for once in this show
make a LYRIC funny?
LYRICISTS DON BLACK AND
CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON
Sure we can.
Silence.
LYRICISTS DON BLACK AND
CHRISTOPHER HAMPTON (CONT'D)
Uh... by "funny", you mean "cliche rhymes that you can guess
coming a mile away, right"?
SCENE: ANOTHER PART OF LONDON.
Draculettes fly during transition, this
time *diagonally*!
This particular "flying" transition is
particularly pointless as we are only
going from one place in London to
another.
MELISSA ERRICO
Now that I'm here, why don't I sing a song to really
introduce my character? An "Angel of Music" type of song.
COMPOSER FRANK WILDHORN
Nope, no time for that.
SCENE: A DOCK IN LONDON
Transition where Draculettes fly up and
out of the water, wearing fisherman's
coats and eating fish sticks.
Lots of women in the cast enter with
painfully fake mustaches playing the
parts of men. This is somewhat
disturbing.
MELISSA ERRICO
I'm sailing somewhere. I think I'm sailing to... my husband?
I don't know why I'm sailing to him or where he is.
SUITOR TO BLONDE #1
Well, we can't let her sail *alone*.
SUITOR TO BLONDE #2
(as if it's a real rebuttal)
Sure we can! Look at all the technology that's changing the
modern world!
Everybody sings a song about
technology, and the scene ends.
MELISSA ERRICO
Wait, I couldn't sing a song explaining my character and why
later in the play I'll keep hearing Tom Hewitt's voice
speaking in my head... But we could sing a song about
TECHNOLOGY?!?!?
Transition: fifth verse, same as the
first.
SCENE: MELISSA ERRICO'S BEDROOM
BLONDE FEMALE
So apparently I sleepwalk or something... it probably
would've made sense if this show's idea of "streamlining"
wasn't just taking every fourth scene from Bram Stoker's
novel. Anyway, the point is that I've sleepwalked into your
bedroom.
MELISSA ERRICO
That's a bit kinky for my--
BLONDE FEMALE
No, I sleepwalked here, and I was bit by a vampire.
TOM HEWITT
(voice-over)
Yes, I meant to go for you, because I cannot live without
you, Melissa Errico. But she was there instead so I figured
I'd go for her.
MELISSA ERRICO
You feel that you NEED me, but you went for her instead?
That makes no sense, Tom Hewitt, whose voice I can hear in my
head.
AUDIENCE
Wait a second, she hears Tom Hewitt's voice in her head?
When did that happen?
SCENE: BLONDE'S BEDROOM
SUITOR TO BLONDE #3
This is Van Helsing. He's going to help us with Vampires.
AUDIENCE
Hugh Jackman was a lot hotter as Van Helsing in that movie
that sucked just about as much as this show does. Hey, this
is weird... Boy From Oz also sucked just like this show does,
but I actually enjoyed that one somewhat anyway!
VAN HELSING
So, I put garlic and crosses on her bed. Now, Suitor to
Blonde That Got Picked, make sure that you stay with your new
wife at all times. Everybody else, let's leave this scene
and go do... oh who knows.
They exit.
BLONDE FEMALE
Don't leave me, Suitor That Got Picked. I'm afraid that if
you're gone, the vampire will come get me.
Upon hearing that, SUITOR THAT GOT
PICKED leaves for no reason.
BLONDE FEMALE
Oh no. Now that you've left, the vampire would surely get me
if I took the crucifixes and garlic and threw it in that
trunk over there.
She DOES.
Enter Tom Hewitt.
TOM HEWITT
I'm bored.
BLONDE FEMALE
Me too.
TOM HEWITT
Why don't we get you fully naked.
All of her clothes are removed.
TOM HEWITT
There, that oughta spice things up a bit!
They DON'T.
Tom Hewitt bites Blonde's neck, all the
while yawning.
He then sings a song that has Chords
exactly matching that of a song from
Jekyll and Hyde. Much like every other
song in this show.
TOM HEWITT
(to Melissa Errico via that
telepathy thing that wasn't
really established or
explained)
Watch out, you're next Melissa!
MELISSA ERRICO
I am?
TOM HEWITT
Yes. And before then, can you consider developing your
character at least a little bit? I mean seriously, you're
the main character!
MELISSA ERRICO
Wait... I thought you were the main character!
TOM HEWITT
Oh Des!
DIRECTOR DES MCANUFF
Dammit Tom, what do you want?
TOM HEWITT
Is she the main character, or am I?
DIRECTOR DES MCANUFF
I told you, I stopped doing any directing on this musical
months ago.
MELISSA ERRICO
But we have a problem! The audience isn't identifying with
either of us right now! Which one is the audience supposed
to care about?
DIRECTOR DES MCANUFF
Direct yourself. If you need help, get a copy of Tommy,
because apparently there's something I did right back then
that I haven't even bothered trying to replicate.
SCENE: FUNERAL PARLOR
The set has a weird giant statue of a
child with a skill, which is never
explained or used to effect.
Blonde Girl is dead. Three Draculettes
fly some more. Tom Hewitt pulls Blonde
Girl out of her grave and makes her
undead.
We can tell she's undead because she
now wears Green Contact Lenses.
Green Contact Lenses signify evil, you
see.
MELISSA ERRICO
I'm scared.
MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
CHARACTER
Why are you scared? Is it because your underdeveloped blonde
friend character and Tom Hewitt are coming after you?
MELISSA ERRICO
No, I'm scared for my career. It's because I know that in
Act Two I'm going to have to go topless, and all for this
crap?!?!
For no apparent reason, Tom Hewitt
floats down from the sky for like the
billionth time this play.
Then, for even less a reason, he slowly
turns upside down on his "you can see
them" strings, and then opens his cape
to look sort of like a bat.
SCENIC DESIGNER HEIDI
ETTINGER
Look, see that? We end act two with him turning upside
down!!!! Isn't that great?
It isn't.
BLACKOUT.
INTERMISSION.
MELISSA ERRICO
Wow, I miss playing characters that have had thought put into
writing them.
TOM HEWITT
I miss the days where I could play a gothic character and was
allowed to move my arms and legs when speaking and singing.
STORYLINE
I miss the days where I used to go places.
PLOT
I miss the days where I used to make sense.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
I missed half the show because I fell asleep.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
No... you really didn't.
SCENE: GRAVEYARD, IN A SCENE THAT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED
A LOT BETTER PUT INTO ACT ONE.
The BLONDE girl, still with Green
Contact Lenses, now has a random boy
that she's holding hostage.
RANDOM BOY
Look mommy, I'm a stock character!
VAN HELSING
Quick, Suitor Who She Chose, if you want to save random boy,
take this stake and drive it through your dead wife's heart.
He DOES. She dies, and nobody cares
because she was the most boring out of
all of the characters.
VAN HELSING
Good, stake through the heart. Now we're more than halfway
through the show, and we're finally establishing some of the
vampire lore.
The establishment of vampire lore ends
there.
SCENE: MELISSA ERRICO'S BEDROOM
TOM HEWITT
Come with me, Melissa. You will live life forever. It's
glorious being immortal. Meet me in my castle.
MELISSA ERRICO
Yes, I now really can't live without you, Tom. We haven't
and won't explain that it's an inner feeling about me that I
can't understand, or even whether you're controlling me.
We'll just let the audience take it as gospel.
Melissa Errico pointlessly shows us her
nipples.
To be fair, they're very, very nice
nipples.
Tom Hewitt drinks her blood, and she
drinks his.
TOM HEWITT
There, now because you did that, you will become a vampire.
MELISSA ERRICO
Excellent. We're an hour and forty-five minutes into the
show and *now* we finally decide to begin creating tension.
SCENE: FRANKLY, IT DOESN'T MATTER, SET PIECES AND DRACULETTES
FLY IN AND OUT AT RANDOM.
Enter Melissa Errico who, at least so
far, hasn't become a vampire.
MELISSA ERRICO
Van Helsing, because I can read Tom Hewitt's mind during
sunrises and sunsets, you must hypnotize me at sunrises and
sunsets to find out what he's doing.
VAN HELSING
I don't remember us ever establishing that you can read his
mind, and only at sunrises and sunsets at that, but sure.
Why not. I'll hypnotise you.
SUITOR TO BLONDE #2
Hey wait, you can hypnotize people? We never established
*that* either.
VAN HELSING
Sure, I can hypnotize people.
MELISSA ERRICO'S
HUSBAND CHARACTER
He can also shoot a gun at perfect bulls-eyes every time!
SUITOR TO BLONDE #1
He can also validate parking tickets!
MELISSA ERRICO
He can also play the accordion! He's just that amazing!
Van Helsing hypnotizes Melissa Errico.
VAN HELSING
Now we know where he is! Let's go!
Van Helsing, the three suitors and the
husband all sing a rousing rendition of
"Into The Fire" from Scarlet Pimpernel.
By the way, Pimpernel and Jekyll aside,
there's also probably a song or two in
this musical that are seemingly
identical to Wildhorn's "Civil War".
But it's hard to say because nobody's
actually seen it.
SCENE: DRACULA'S PLACE.
Enter Van Helsing and Melissa Errico.
VAN HELSING
Here, Melissa. I'll put holy water around you to protect
you, then I'll pointlessly walk offstage so you can step out
of the holy water because you now really want to be with Tom
Hewitt for no sensical reason.
Van Helsing exits.
Enter Tom Hewitt.
TOM HEWITT
Melissa, instead of my original plan, I've decided--
Frantically, the BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY enters.
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
(wearing his Rocky Horror Show
dress-up costume because he
was mis-informed)
Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you know that if you
haven't seen "Dracula" and actually decided that this is a
worthwhile cause to put your hard-earned money towards, now's
the time to stop reading and go see the "Broadway Musical"
before anything's ruined.
(gags)
Argh, I hesitate to really classify this as a Broadway
Musical. Seems like it should go into a theme park.
TOM HEWITT
Hey, we haven't seen you in awhile.
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
Yeah, well, I know there's isn't much to this musical, but
the least I could do was not spoil the ending.
TOM HEWITT
Yeah, you'll never guess it.
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
Oooh, you mean it has a big payoff at the end?
TOM HEWITT
No, I mean it's so non-sensible to the show, there's no way
you could guess something so random.
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
Ah. Well, I think I won't bother staying around for the
ending. I had to already sit through Dance of the Vampires'
ending. That's enough for me.
Broadway Abridged Spoilers Guy exits.
TOM HEWITT
Where was I... so Melissa, I've decided that I know why I'm
so into you. It's because you're the one who is going to
kill me.
MELISSA ERRICO
What?
TOM HEWITT
Apparently since the last scene, but not in front of the
audience, I somehow decided that it's better to die than to
live without living life to the fullest. I'm not sure if
that means that I miss being able to go out during daylight,
or I realize that I love you too much to truly hurt you, or
if I just decided that being undead sucks. Either way, you
must kill me.
MELISSA ERRICO
Oh, you mean with a wooden stake through the heart?
TOM HEWITT
No, just with a regular knife.
MELISSA ERRICO
But vampire lore only says that you can kill a vampire with a
stea--
TOM HEWITT
Just kill me.
Melissa stabs Tom and Tom dies, and
Melissa is sad about this for some
unexplained reason.
Enter every other character in the
show.
MELISSA ERRICO'S HUSBAND
CHARACTER
Well, all is well.
Curtain begins to fall as
LIGHTS FADE TO BL--
MELISSA ERRICO
Wait, wait, didn't Tom and I drink each other's blood? Why
haven't I become a vampire?
VAN HELSING
Uh... Because... Uh.....
Stage floor begins to open up. Cast
falls through PLOT HOLE.
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