EQUUS ABRIDGED
OR
YES, I SAW THE KID WHO PLAYS HARRY POTTER NAKED. GET OVER IT.
A Broadway Abridged Script that basically
gives away the entire play. Just so you know.
By Gil Varod
SCENE: POSSIBLY A GREEK TEMPLE. WHICH DOUBLES AS A STABLE.
WHICH HELPS YOU FURTHER CONNECT THE PARALLELS. YOU IDIOT.
As music plays, we realize that there
are some audience members sitting
onstage.
Not onstage like in Spring Awakening,
where you're kind of off to the side.
No, onstage as in circling "the
action", pretty decently lit, so the
rest of the audience can see exactly
which sort of people thought it was
important to watch the play from the
WRONG SIDE so they can be closest to
said "action".
Sigh.
During music, Richard Griffiths and
Daniel Radcliffe enter with a slow
lights fade up, making it absolutely
impossible to give them stupid
"Entrance Applause"!
ACTUAL LATE-20S GIRL WHO,
ON SEPTEMBER 20TH AT 8PM,
WAS SITTING CIRCA SEAT L103
OF THE BROADHURST'S
MEZZANINE
(out loud)
Just take off your clothes already!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Okay, Daniel Radcliffe isn't getting naked for two more hours
so CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
Enter SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE STAR
TREKS.
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
Richard Griffiths, Daniel Radcliffe is here and he just
blinded six horses in a stable.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
We're actually going to refer to him as Daniel Radcliffe?
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
Yes, we're not resorting to terrible "Harry Potter Magic
Wand" references.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Of course.
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
Anyway, after he blinded the six horses, they wanted him to
go jail, but--
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Ha ha... "Magic Wand". I just got it.
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
...WANTED HIM TO GO TO JAIL, but I argued to have you treat
him instead.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Hey you're the character that I exposition-ize my thoughts
to; I've been having these horrible dreams where I'm a priest
who--
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
Don't exposition-ize to me. Use the audience!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Talk *directly* to an audience? Like, the way I'd have to if
this were a two-actor play? But why would I have a
"colleague" character if--
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
(does some weird thing where
she overacts and wheezes a
whole lot, then exits)
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
(to YOU)
(and in a way that makes his
monologues not suck)
Heya. So... I have this dream where I sacrifice children to
THE GOD OF SOCIETAL CONFORMITY. Also, MY WIFE AND I DON'T
MAKE WHOOPIE ANYMORE.
Thanks audience, that was cathartic. Nurse!
Enter NURSE.
NURSE CHARACTER
Yes, Doctor?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Just wanted to call you in to say your other line.
NURSE CHARACTER
Daniel Radcliffe is here to see you.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Thanks, Nurse. You can go home now.
NURSE CHARACTER
Did you want to double-cast me as the boy's mother, or
perhaps as one of the horses?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
No, just send in Daniel.
NURSE CHARACTER
Very good, sir.
Enter Daniel Radcliffe. He and Richard
Griffiths rearrange the "furniture"
(read: stage blocks) for a couple of
minutes.
Oh! Then they have a conversation!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
You know that everybody's here to see only one thing.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(awkwardly, and in stiff
movement)
DAMMIT RICHARD, I AM TRYING TO BE A RESPECTED ACTOR.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Right. That's the one thing: everybody's here to see if the
child actor they know and love can actually act.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
OH. I THOUGHT...
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Why did you do it, Daniel?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
WHAT, BLIND SIX HORSES?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
No, star in a play on Broadway that shows us that you can act
awkwardly and uncomfortably, but--
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I AM VERY GOOD AT ACTING AWKWARDLY AND UNCOMFORTABLY!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Yes... Yes Daniel, but does this particular part really prove
you can act with *range*? Because what proves--
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I AM INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC AT ACTING AWKWARDLY AND
UNCOMFORTABLY! FANTASTIC AT IT!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
(to audience)
I could tell that this was going to be a difficult case,
right then and there. And I, as a psychiatrist who had all
these dilemmas--
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
What dilemmas?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Whoa... I thought I was explaining to the audience.
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
No, now you're explaining to me.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
But if I can explain to you, then why do I keep talking to
the--
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
I brought you a bunch of other minor characters to talk to as
well. They get paid to have like ten lines each. Here.
MOTHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I'm very religious (and his father isn't)!
FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I'm not very religious (and his mother is)!
He blinded the horses because of religion. Hear me?
(to audience)
HE BLINDED THE HORSES BECAUSE OF RELIGION! RELIGION!
NOT *NECESSARILY* CHRISTIANITY, BUT DEFINITELY RELIGION!
MOTHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
His father, who isn't very religious (and I am) took down a
picture of Jesus in his room and replaced it with a picture
of a horse.
(to audience)
WHERE THERE WAS A PICTURE OF JESUS THERE IS NOW A PICTURE OF
A HORSE. IT WAS JESUS, NOW IT'S A HORSE. HOW CAN WE
POSSIBLY MAKE THIS PARALLEL ANY EASIER FOR YOU?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Well. Any other characters I can interview?
OWNER OF STABLES
I'm kinda pissed off about my horses being blinded...
Oh, sometimes Daniel used to ride the horses at night maybe
but that's almost irrelevant...
Yeah that's about it. Glad I stopped by.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Anybody else?
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
No, I definitely don't have a very important and relevant
girl for you to interview.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Okay, well in that case,
(to audience)
So here's the thing, all patients who did something bad want
to confess terribly. *Want to*. So all I need to do--
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
That's your professional take on this all? Seems awfully
convenient story-wise.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
AAARGH! So I'm talking to YOU and not the AUDIENCE in this
scene?!?!?
SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
STAR TREKS
No... Sorry, you're talking to the audience, I just overheard
and thought that it was conveniently shitty.
FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(re-entering)
Oh, by the way, one night I caught Daniel looking at the
picture of the horse and self-flagellating, and it was a
night that he was out with that very important and relevant
girl. WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN THE SAME NIGHT THAT DANIEL BLINDED
THE HORSES but it may not have been. I'm sort of confused.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Shit, me too. DANIEL!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yes?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Here's a truth serum or something something whatever JUST
TELL US ALL WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT and finish the play.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Okay, but if anybody comes in already knowing why I blinded
the horses, the lack of revelation is going to have them
fairly disappointed.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Fair enough. But when you tell me the story, act it out,
because it makes it more theatrical.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Also fair enough.
Enter a very important and relevant
girl who has somehow barely been in the
story until now.
POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
"THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
Hey Daniel Radcliffe, we work together in the stables.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
YES WE DO I AM SO AWKWARD AND WEIRD.
POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
"THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
Yeah, I'm okay with that and somehow like you. Also, I
totally want to go with you to see a porno. Deal?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Deal.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Shit where did you pick this girl up? You're very lucky,
see, because MY WIFE AND I DON'T MAKE WHOOPIE ANYMORE.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Nobody cares.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Fair enough.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
SO I WAS IN THE PORN THEATER AND WE RAN INTO MY FATHER
FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
OH HI DANIEL
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
HI DAD
FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I FEEL SO AWKWARD IN MY ACTING
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
NOW I KNOW WHERE I GOT IT FROM
FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
OKAY I GOTTA GO BYE NOW
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
And then I went to the stable with her to have sex.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
So... The night you saw your father at a porno film was the
same night that you had sex with this girl which is the same
night that your father saw you self-flagellating which is--
HOW DID EVERYBODY MISS THAT THIS IS THE SAME NIGHT YOU
BLINDED SIX HORSES?
Daniel Radcliffe and Poor Actress
remove their clothes in what is a
perfectly tasteful nude scene.
Camera-phones go off, in the way that
they DEFINITELY DID NOT DURING THE
LONDON RUN.
YOU, THE CULTURED
THEATREGOER
(seriously considers moving to
London)
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
But I couldn't get it up.
POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
"THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
That's okay, impotence happens to a lot of guys.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF GUYS? AREN'T YOU
LIKE FIFTEEN?
POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
"THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
Well...
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(picking up a spike)
WHORE! GET OUT OF HERE!
POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
"THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
Well. I hope you're aware that aiming a spike at a naked
girl's body isn't the best way of getting them back into the
sack anytime soon!
(runs off)
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
ARGH! THE HORSES MADE ME DO IT!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Because they have chains, just like Jesus!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
YES!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
And like God, they see all!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
YES!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
And God is a Jealous God, and so the Horses are Jealous
Horses!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PROVOKING ME RICHARD GRIFFITHS? ARGH!
He blinds the horses. It is a
fantastic artistic scene that has you
at your seat's edge even though the
horses being used are nothing like real
horses.
AUDIENCE
(exiting)
Fantastic ending!
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Hold on, there's more.
AUDIENCE
Oh... yeah I guess it would be interesting to see how he
treats him with the new knowledge he learns, so that's
*definitely* worth more Play.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
(monologuing to YOU)
So... So yeah. I question my own job as a
child whatever-I-am, because these children, they have
passion. I don't have passion, because MY WIFE AND I DON'T
MAKE WHOOPIE ANYMORE, but yeah, this boy here, he has
passion. For horses.
And as society dictates, I can and will "fix him" and remove
his passion but I can't create passion.
In other words, I can detach his passion for horses, but I
cannot replace it with a passion for something else. And
that is THE SADDEST THING OF ALL.
Lights fade slowly.
BLACKOU--
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Oh wait, you know what? Forget absolutely everything I said.
If his PASSION for horses means he blinds them, well, that's
PRETTY FUCKED UP.
BLACKOUT.
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