Equus: Abridged

                                   EQUUS ABRIDGED
                                         OR
            YES, I SAW THE KID WHO PLAYS HARRY POTTER NAKED. GET OVER IT.
                      A Broadway Abridged Script that basically 
                    gives away the entire play.  Just so you know.
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: POSSIBLY A GREEK TEMPLE.  WHICH DOUBLES AS A STABLE.
            WHICH HELPS YOU FURTHER CONNECT THE PARALLELS.  YOU IDIOT.


                                   As music plays, we realize that there
                                   are some audience members sitting
                                   onstage.  


                                   Not onstage like in Spring Awakening,
                                   where you're kind of off to the side.


                                   No, onstage as in circling "the
                                   action", pretty decently lit, so the
                                   rest of the audience can see exactly
                                   which sort of people thought it was
                                   important to watch the play from the
                                   WRONG SIDE so they can be closest to
                                   said "action".


                                   Sigh.


                                   During music, Richard Griffiths and
                                   Daniel Radcliffe enter with a slow
                                   lights fade up, making it absolutely
                                   impossible to give them stupid
                                   "Entrance Applause"!


                                   ACTUAL LATE-20S GIRL WHO, 
                                   ON SEPTEMBER 20TH AT 8PM,
                                   WAS SITTING CIRCA SEAT L103
                                   OF THE BROADHURST'S
                                   MEZZANINE
                          (out loud)
            Just take off your clothes already!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Okay, Daniel Radcliffe isn't getting naked for two more hours
            so CALM THE FUCK DOWN.


                                   Enter SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE STAR
                                   TREKS.


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            Richard Griffiths, Daniel Radcliffe is here and he just
            blinded six horses in a stable.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            We're actually going to refer to him as Daniel Radcliffe?


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            Yes, we're not resorting to terrible "Harry Potter Magic
            Wand" references.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Of course.


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            Anyway, after he blinded the six horses, they wanted him to
            go jail, but--


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Ha ha... "Magic Wand".  I just got it.


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            ...WANTED HIM TO GO TO JAIL, but I argued to have you treat
            him instead.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Hey you're the character that I exposition-ize my thoughts
            to; I've been having these horrible dreams where I'm a priest
            who--


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            Don't exposition-ize to me.  Use the audience!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Talk *directly* to an audience?  Like, the way I'd have to if
            this were a two-actor play?  But why would I have a
            "colleague" character if--


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
                          (does some weird thing where
                           she overacts and wheezes a
                           whole lot, then exits)


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
                          (to YOU)
                          (and in a way that makes his
                           monologues not suck)
            Heya.  So... I have this dream where I sacrifice children to
            THE GOD OF SOCIETAL CONFORMITY.  Also, MY WIFE AND I DON'T
            MAKE WHOOPIE ANYMORE.  
            Thanks audience, that was cathartic.  Nurse!


                                   Enter NURSE.


                                   NURSE CHARACTER
            Yes, Doctor?


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Just wanted to call you in to say your other line.


                                   NURSE CHARACTER
            Daniel Radcliffe is here to see you.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Thanks, Nurse.  You can go home now.


                                   NURSE CHARACTER
            Did you want to double-cast me as the boy's mother, or
            perhaps as one of the horses?


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            No, just send in Daniel.


                                   NURSE CHARACTER
            Very good, sir.


                                   Enter Daniel Radcliffe.  He and Richard
                                   Griffiths rearrange the "furniture"
                                   (read: stage blocks) for a couple of
                                   minutes.


                                   Oh!  Then they have a conversation!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            You know that everybody's here to see only one thing.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                          (awkwardly, and in stiff
                           movement)
            DAMMIT RICHARD, I AM TRYING TO BE A RESPECTED ACTOR.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Right.  That's the one thing: everybody's here to see if the
            child actor they know and love can actually act.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            OH.  I THOUGHT...


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Why did you do it, Daniel?


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            WHAT, BLIND SIX HORSES?


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            No, star in a play on Broadway that shows us that you can act
            awkwardly and uncomfortably, but--


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            I AM VERY GOOD AT ACTING AWKWARDLY AND UNCOMFORTABLY!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Yes... Yes Daniel, but does this particular part really prove
            you can act with *range*?  Because what proves--


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            I AM INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC AT ACTING AWKWARDLY AND
            UNCOMFORTABLY!  FANTASTIC AT IT!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
                          (to audience)
            I could tell that this was going to be a difficult case,
            right then and there.  And I, as a psychiatrist who had all
            these dilemmas--


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            What dilemmas?


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Whoa... I thought I was explaining to the audience.


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            No, now you're explaining to me.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            But if I can explain to you, then why do I keep talking to
            the--


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            I brought you a bunch of other minor characters to talk to as
            well.  They get paid to have like ten lines each.  Here.


                                   MOTHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            I'm very religious (and his father isn't)!


                                   FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            I'm not very religious (and his mother is)!  
            He blinded the horses because of religion.  Hear me?
                          (to audience)
            HE BLINDED THE HORSES BECAUSE OF RELIGION!  RELIGION!  
            NOT *NECESSARILY* CHRISTIANITY, BUT DEFINITELY RELIGION!


                                   MOTHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            His father, who isn't very religious (and I am) took down a
            picture of Jesus in his room and replaced it with a picture
            of a horse.  
                          (to audience)
            WHERE THERE WAS A PICTURE OF JESUS THERE IS NOW A PICTURE OF
            A HORSE.  IT WAS JESUS, NOW IT'S A HORSE.  HOW CAN WE
            POSSIBLY MAKE THIS PARALLEL ANY EASIER FOR YOU?


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Well.  Any other characters I can interview?


                                   OWNER OF STABLES
            I'm kinda pissed off about my horses being blinded... 
            Oh, sometimes Daniel used to ride the horses at night maybe
            but that's almost irrelevant... 
            Yeah that's about it.  Glad I stopped by.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Anybody else?


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            No, I definitely don't have a very important and relevant
            girl for you to interview.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Okay, well in that case,
                          (to audience)
            So here's the thing, all patients who did something bad want
            to confess terribly.  *Want to*.  So all I need to do--


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            That's your professional take on this all?  Seems awfully
            convenient story-wise.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            AAARGH!  So I'm talking to YOU and not the AUDIENCE in this
            scene?!?!?


                                   SOME LADY FROM ONE OF THE
                                   STAR TREKS
            No... Sorry, you're talking to the audience, I just overheard
            and thought that it was conveniently shitty.


                                   FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                          (re-entering)
            Oh, by the way, one night I caught Daniel looking at the
            picture of the horse and self-flagellating, and it was a
            night that he was out with that very important and relevant
            girl.  WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN THE SAME NIGHT THAT DANIEL BLINDED
            THE HORSES but it may not have been.  I'm sort of confused.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Shit, me too.  DANIEL!


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            Yes?


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Here's a truth serum or something something whatever JUST
            TELL US ALL WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT and finish the play.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            Okay, but if anybody comes in already knowing why I blinded
            the horses, the lack of revelation is going to have them
            fairly disappointed.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Fair enough.  But when you tell me the story, act it out,
            because it makes it more theatrical.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            Also fair enough.


                                   Enter a very important and relevant
                                   girl who has somehow barely been in the
                                   story until now.


                                   POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
                                   PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
                                   "THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
                                   NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
            Hey Daniel Radcliffe, we work together in the stables.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            YES WE DO I AM SO AWKWARD AND WEIRD.


                                   POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
                                   PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
                                   "THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
                                   NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
            Yeah, I'm okay with that and somehow like you.  Also, I
            totally want to go with you to see a porno.  Deal?


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            Deal.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Shit where did you pick this girl up?  You're very lucky,
            see, because MY WIFE AND I DON'T MAKE WHOOPIE ANYMORE.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            Nobody cares.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Fair enough.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            SO I WAS IN THE PORN THEATER AND WE RAN INTO MY FATHER


                                   FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            OH HI DANIEL


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            HI DAD


                                   FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            I FEEL SO AWKWARD IN MY ACTING


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            NOW I KNOW WHERE I GOT IT FROM


                                   FATHER OF DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            OKAY I GOTTA GO BYE NOW


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            And then I went to the stable with her to have sex.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            So... The night you saw your father at a porno film was the
            same night that you had sex with this girl which is the same
            night that your father saw you self-flagellating which is--
            HOW DID EVERYBODY MISS THAT THIS IS THE SAME NIGHT YOU
            BLINDED SIX HORSES?


                                   Daniel Radcliffe and Poor Actress
                                   remove their clothes in what is a
                                   perfectly tasteful nude scene.


                                   Camera-phones go off, in the way that
                                   they DEFINITELY DID NOT DURING THE
                                   LONDON RUN.


                                   YOU, THE CULTURED
                                   THEATREGOER
                          (seriously considers moving to
                           London)


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            But I couldn't get it up.


                                   POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
                                   PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
                                   "THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
                                   NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
            That's okay, impotence happens to a lot of guys.


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF GUYS?  AREN'T YOU
            LIKE FIFTEEN?


                                   POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
                                   PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
                                   "THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
                                   NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
            Well...


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                          (picking up a spike)
            WHORE!  GET OUT OF HERE!


                                   POOR ACTRESS WHO WILL
                                   PROBABLY FOREVER BE KNOWN AS
                                   "THE GIRL WHO WAS ONSTAGE
                                   NAKED WITH HARRY POTTER"
            Well.  I hope you're aware that aiming a spike at a naked
            girl's body isn't the best way of getting them back into the
            sack anytime soon!
                          (runs off)


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            ARGH!  THE HORSES MADE ME DO IT!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Because they have chains, just like Jesus!


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            YES!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            And like God, they see all!


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            YES!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            And God is a Jealous God, and so the Horses are Jealous
            Horses!


                                   DANIEL RADCLIFFE
            WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PROVOKING ME RICHARD GRIFFITHS?  ARGH!


                                   He blinds the horses.  It is a
                                   fantastic artistic scene that has you
                                   at your seat's edge even though the
                                   horses being used are nothing like real
                                   horses.


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (exiting)
            Fantastic ending!


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Hold on, there's more.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oh... yeah I guess it would be interesting to see how he
            treats him with the new knowledge he learns, so that's
            *definitely* worth more Play.


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
                          (monologuing to YOU)
            So... So yeah.  I question my own job as a 
            child whatever-I-am, because these children, they have
            passion.  I don't have passion, because MY WIFE AND I DON'T
            MAKE WHOOPIE ANYMORE, but yeah, this boy here, he has
            passion.  For horses.  
            And as society dictates, I can and will "fix him" and remove
            his passion but I can't create passion.  
            In other words, I can detach his passion for horses, but I
            cannot replace it with a passion for something else.  And
            that is THE SADDEST THING OF ALL.


                                   Lights fade slowly.  


                                        BLACKOU--


                                   RICHARD GRIFFITHS
            Oh wait, you know what?  Forget absolutely everything I said.  
            If his PASSION for horses means he blinds them, well, that's
            PRETTY FUCKED UP.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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