Everyday Rapture: Abridged

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                        EVERYDAY RAPTURE ABRIDGED
                                    OR
                        LIPS APART, TEETH TOGETHER
                       A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                       By Gil Varod






       SCENE: A BARE, MEGAN MULLALLY-LESS STAGE


                             Enter Sherie Rene Scott, making jokes
                             about Rabbis for some reason.


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       Hi audience!  If you're here, that means that you're either a
       VERY CONFUSED Roundabout Theater subscriber, or a BIG FAN of
       mine from having seen me play leads in Disney's SECOND and
       THIRD worst Broadway Musicals.  
       (Because not even *I* was willing to touch that Tarzan
       thing.)
       So yeah, big...ish Broadway star.  But I wasn't always
       married to BROADWAY CAST RECORDING PRODUCER KURT DEUTSCH. 
       No, before hiring me as performer came with the GUARANTEE of
       having-your-show's-cast-album-recorded, I had to make it in
       the real world, as a half Amish.


                             AUDIENCE
       You're... you're just telling us another "small town girl
       heads off to the big city" story, aren't you.


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       And I'm doing 95% of it in patent-pending SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       DEADPANâ„¢.


                             AUDIENCE
       I'm in!


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       So in childhood I was conflicted over my love for Jesus, a
       subject about which I'm sure I'm the VERY FIRST ONE to ever
       explore in a one-woman show.
       I also loved Judy Garland, which I am also SURELY the first
       person to explore in a one-woman show.
       And I think I also had a cousin or gay uncle or something,
       but let's be so under-stating about it that it's vague, k?
       The point is, ALL JESUS LOVERS HATE GAY PEOPLE AND PROTEST
       AGAINST THEM with horrible words, which is a very wrong
       thing, and also something about which I'm sure I'm the VERY
       FIRST PERSON to explore in a one-person show.


                             AUDIENCE
       ah yes.  inspiring.


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       Now I'm going to sing a Mr. Rogers song now I'm going to sing
       another NOW I'M GOING TO SING ANOTHER!


                             THE GHOST OF FRED ROGERS
       Hey there Sherie.  Do you know what *special* is?  
       When you sing one of my songs, it's *special*.  
       When you sing five of my songs in a row, song number 5 is...
       say, less special.
       You're the only one like you, Sherie, and you're special!  
       Unless you drive my songs into the ground.  Then not so much.


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       I decided I had to go to New York, and while there I...


                             AUDIENCE
       Starred in Last Five Years!


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       Dated a magician.
                     (does magic she bought off The
                      Internet)
       I dated a magician, that's why I'm doing magic, get it?
                     (does more magic)
       See? Magic.  MAGIC!
                     (etc)
       Then, while dating this NYC magician, I...


                             AUDIENCE
       Was in Rent and Dirty Rott--


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
                     (awkwardly)
       ...had an abortion quick let's not talk about it too much see
       how I do drama quickly in SHERIE RENE SCOTT DEADPANâ„¢.
       So I moved to NYC and now I'm on Broadway.
       Oh who wants to hear about some kid who was my biggest fan
       once I got on Broadway?


                             AUDIENCE
       Your life story bit ends and you haven't even gone on an
       audition yet?


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       I promise sing one of my signature songs...


                             AUDIENCE
       It better be a Jason Robert Br--


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       Check this out.  I'll do the actual singing while he lip
       syncs to me.


                             THE GAYEST THIRTEEN YEAR OLD
                             IN THE WORLD
                     (lip-syncs to that one god
                      damned Aida song)


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       Hysterical, right?  Since this sketch is so funny, let's
       spend a third of the show on it!


                             AUDIENCE
       Yes, comedy is always better when less concise!


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       And now that you've finally heard me sing a song that I
       originated, it's the perfect time for me to sing...


                             AUDIENCE
       A friggin' number from Last Five Years?


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       ..."Killing Me Softly", which I've somehow forced into being
       all about the YouTube boy.


                             AUDIENCE
       Whatever *your* job is in these guessing games, you suck at
       it.


                             SHERIE RENE SCOTT
       Oh!  Did I mention I have a spouse and kid now?  I guess that
       wasn't important.  Anyway,
       my PRODUCER HUSBAND WHO PRODUCED THIS SHOW was with me and my
       SON, and he found a four leaf clover this one time.  
       And while I was desperately searching for any way to end this
       show and eventually segue-ing into "It's a Beautiful Day In
       The Neighborhood" I realized... 
       EVERYDAY is finding a 4 leaf clover, and losing it and
       finding it again, and the 4 leaf clover represents... luck? 
       Wait was that it?


Audience waits an additional 18 months
for until Sherie Rene Scott returns to
Broadway, this time with material
actually worthy of her talent.


Unless the 2011 musicals are like the
2010 musicals.


Then it's 30 months.

BLACKOUT.

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