FIDDLER ON THE ROOF 2004 REVIVAL:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
We are in the Minskoff Fighting Arena,
home to the "MINSKOFF CURSE", which has
affected financial catastrophes such as
"The Scarlet Pimpernel", "Saturday
Night Fever" and "Dance of the
Vampires".
In the left corner, weighing in at one
tony nomination for the Roundabout revival
"Nine": hotstuff director DAVID
LEVEAUX.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Revising the hell out of "Nine" wasn't enough for me, so I'M
BACK, once again proving that I should be sticking to
directing plays and not musicals!
In the right corner, weighing in at
nine tony awards, three Broadway
revivals, and as many synagogue
productions as high school productions,
is the once-longest-running-show
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Bite me Leveaux, I'm so solid a show that not even YOU can't
ruin me.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
We'll see about that!
The coin toss is called, and FIDDLER ON
THE ROOF gets the first move.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
I'm bringing out my first song... Tradition! Try as you
might Leveaux, there is no way you're going to ruin this
classic Broadway opening!
SCENE: A BUNCH OF TREES ON WOODEN PLANKS IN WHAT IS
SUPPOSEDLY ANATEVKA, BUT LOOKS MORE LIKE THE OUTDOOR SECTION
OF "TAVERN ON THE GREEN".
ALFRED MOLINA (AS TEVYE)
An upcoming Spiderman villain starring as Tevye. Sounds
crazy no? But in our little village of Broadway, you might
find that there's only one word to save you: Tradition!
MOLINA sings, and the rest of the cast
joins him.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
That's... that's not my Anatevka... that's an upscale
restaurant in Central Park! Must stay calm....
The Fiddler, who stays on the roof for
about a half a minute max, comes down
and begins walking around the stage in
Brechtian fashion. A little boy
follows him constantly, but because of
the dark lighting we can't really see
the child unless we are looking for it.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Wait... why isn't the Fiddler on the Roof?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
(laughing)
You ain't seen nothing yet!
SCENE: TEVYE'S HOUSE
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Golde, come, I have news for you! But any news is good news.
Right?
(A long, drawn out pause.)
Of course right! But what do you think?
(A long drawn out pause.)
I'll tell you what you think. You think that--
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
Uh... can you not do that, Nancy?
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Not do what?
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
Not leave those pauses in between?
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
What do you mean?
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
Well, you're supposed to be Yente.
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
I am Yente. Right?
(Another awkward, drawn-out
pause.)
Of course right!
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
No... Nancy... see, the idea of Yente is that you're supposed
to not let me speak.
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Why?
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
Yente is supposed to talk a lot, and never stop. That's why
the character is called Yente. Because she's a nudge.
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Well, that's not very nice, is it?
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
See, the joke with Yente is that she's a chatterbox and--
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Nope, not very nice at all.
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
Sigh.
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Hey, remember the days of Urinetown, when I used to have
comedic timing?
NANCY OPEL and RANDY GRAFF leave the
stage.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
What do you think of that, eh?
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
So Nancy Opel was thrown in three days before the show's
opening. So what? Yente's not that important a charact--
Enter LAURA MICHELLE KELLY and TRICIA
PAOLUCCIO.
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY (HODEL)
AND TRICIA PAOLUCCIO (CHAVA)
(Singing)
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find...
They continue to sing. As they do,
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY takes off her
outer shirt and begins washing her bare
shoulders and arms with a washcloth.
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY (HODEL)
AND TRICIA PAOLUCCIO (CHAVA)
...catch me a catch....
TRICIA PAOLUCCIO also begins washing
her bare shoulders with a washcloth.
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY (HODEL)
AND TRICIA PAOLUCCIO (CHAVA)
...matchmaker, matchmaker,
look through your book...
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY begins washing
TRICIA PAOLUCCIO'S bare shoulders.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Why are they washing each other?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Sex appeal, baby! Sex appeal!
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Aaaaagh!!
SCENE: TEVYE AND GOLDE'S BEDROOM
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
But the Dream Sequence is so solid, you couldn't dare ruin
it!
ALFRED MOLINA and RANDY GRAFF are
sitting in bed.
RANDY GRAFF (AS GOLDE)
Tell me your dream and I'll tell you what it meant.
ALFRED MOLINA (AS TEVYE)
Well, we were at a sort of celebration...
As he tells the story, a ladder rises
through the a hole in the floor and the
rest of the cast comes on stage, all
dressed like various animals.
ALFRED MOLINA (AS TEVYE)
(confused)
... um... which sort of looked like Picasso's Guernica...
Leveaux, what are you doing?
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
You changed that? And not even for the better!! Why would
you lose the spooky graveyard setting for silly looking---
ENTIRE CAST
(singing)
Fruma Sarah, Fruma Sarah, Fruma Sarah, ....
The ladder moves upwards, the bottom of
which has FRUMA SARAH awkwardly
clinging to it.
JOY HERMALUN (AS FRUMA
SARAH)
Tevye! Tevye!
(singing)
What is this about your daughter marrying my husband...
She continues singing, trying her best
to be "frightening". But because she's
a good thirty feet away from Tevye and
Golde, she seems to pose no threat at
all.
FRUMAH SARAH
Here's my wedding present, if Tzeidel marries Lazer Wolf!
On that, rather than flying toward
Tevye in a possibly spooky or sensible
sort of way, she simply floats calmly
offstage.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
That wasn't effective at all! That was just absurd, and a
horrible change from the original staging which had worked so
much better! How can you allow this?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Now I unleash my SECRET WEAPON!
Enter JERRY BOCK and SHELDON HARNICK,
original composer and lyricist of
Fiddler on the Roof.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Bock! Harnick! Do you see this? Do you see what Leveaux is
doing to me? Do you see how--
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Gentlemen, now I know you haven't written a song together in
thirty years and barely are on speaking terms, but I was
wondering if you would write me a new song to add to the
beginning of the second act.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Haha... did you hear that? He wants you guys to write a new
song for a forty-year old masterpiece like myself. What a
riot! How could he ever sugges--
COMPOSER JERRY BOCK AND
LYRICIST SHELDON HARNICK
Okay, we'll do it.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Excellent.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
What the--
SCENE: ANOTHER PART OF CENTRAL PARK.
NANCY OPEL (AS YENTE)
Everybody, terrible news! Perchik's been arrested, and he
and Hodel have decided to make a match for each other! Oh,
it's all so TOPSY TURVEY!
NANCY OPEL sings "Topsy Turvey", a new
song about how she's practically out of
a job because couples don't need
matchmakers anymore.
NANCY OPEL (AS TEVYE)
(singing)
The world is Topsy Turvey,
No? Yes!....
COMPOSER JERRY BOCK
Wow, look, I got the newly-written music to sound like it's
not out of place with all of the older songs!
LYRICIST SHELDON HARNICK
Hey, the concept of the song was funny. I think I just
forgot to make the lyrics funny. Hmm.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Oh well. Better luck next time! Here you go, guys.
Leveaux hands BOCK and HARNICK their
big fat royalty checks. They leave.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Why Leveaux! Why would you add in a new song when it's such
filler! Why?!?!
LEVEAUX laughs like he's a villain in a
Disney cartoon. Smoke fills the stage,
and suddenly, the ghost of ZERO MOSTEL
(the original Tevye) appears.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Zero? Is that you?
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
Fiddler... Fiddler! Don't you give up on me yet.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
But, he's taken everything. I can't go on much longer!
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
Everything? EVERYTHING? Remember, Fiddler! Do you
remember? Do you remember when Norman Jewison made the movie
version of you in 1971?
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Yes...
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
And do you remember, when casting Tevye, Norman Jewison
called upon Topol to play the part instead of me!
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Yes...
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
And did I give up? No! I continued to fight, and earn
respect as an actor! And when Norman Jewison called me two
years later to speak to me about my son playing King Herod in
his Jesus Christ Superstar movie, do you know what I did?
(silence)
Do you know what I did, Fiddler?
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
...no....
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
I picked up the phone, and I said to him, "You want my son?
YOU WANT MY SON? WHY DON'T YOU GO CALL TOPOL'S SON!"
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
...Topol's son!
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
So I want you to go back out there. And I want you to stand
up to David Leveaux.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
...stand up to David Leveaux!
ZERO MOSTEL'S GHOST
And I want you to look at him in the face and say, to him...
say, "Why don't you go call Topol's son! WHY DON'T YOU GO
CALL TOPOL'S SON!"
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
I'll do it! I'LL DO IT!
ZERO MOSTEL's ghost fades away, as does
ZERO MOSTEL'S BAD COMBOVER'S ghost.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
I've had enough of you Leveaux! You can take my pride, you
can take my dignity, but you will not ruin me! I am too
solid a show to destroy! Take THIS!
SCENE: A RAILROAD STATION, THEORETICALLY.
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY is saying goodbye
to ALFRED MOLINA.
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY
(AS HODEL)
(singing)
THERE WHERE MY HEART HAS SETTLED LONG AGO,
I MUST GO, I MUST GO...
A moment of silence. We hear a faint
cough in the audience.
LAURA MICHELLE KELLY
(AS HODEL)
WHO COULD IMAGINE I'D BE WANDERING SO,
FAR FROM THE HOME I LOVE, YET,
THERE WITH MY LOVE, I'M HOME!
Sniffling, not a dry eye in the
theatre.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
What do you think of that?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
But... but... it looks more like a dilapidated boardwalk in
Atlantic City than a train station! No... this can't be...
this can't be!
SCENE: WHO REALLY KNOWS ANYMORE, THERE'S STILL BUNCHES OF
WOODEN PLANKS ON THE FLOOR.
NON-JEWISH CHARACTERS
You must leave Anatevka!
REST OF CAST
(singing)
Soon I'll be a stranger in a strange new place,
Searching for an old familiar face,
From Anatevka...
Audience members begin holding hands
tightly, feeling the pain of these
exiles.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
No... no... they're emotionally reacting! How can this be!
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
You see? You see? When a show is solid enough, nothing you
can do will ruin it!
Villagers begin to solemnly leave
Anatevka.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
I win, Leveaux! I reign supreme! I have had the last laugh!
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Oh, you may laugh, but it will not be the last!
Villagers finish leaving Anatevka
except for the Fiddler, who is still
not on the roof. Next to him is a
small child.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Who... who's that little kid?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Oh, he's been standing around the stage the entire show, I
just haven't spotlit him until now!
The Fiddler plays his last note, and
then hands the fiddle to the child, who
runs off. This is the final image of
the play, and whatever symbolism is
intended with the small child is vague
and cheap.
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
But... it's not supposed to end like that! The Fiddler is
supposed to be coaxed off of the roof by Tevye...
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
No, it's a little boy now! There's a little boy instead!
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
But that... why would you do that, Leveaux? Why would you
change things that were working so well for so many revivals?
Why couldn't you just stage it the way the first 800
performance production did it? Why would you change these
things?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Because we need to change shows! For the sake of changing!
So the people who have seen you before will get a new
experience!
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Have you considered, though?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Considered what?
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
Considered the people who haven't seen me before? Considered
the twelve-year-old Jewish children who are sitting in their
audience who, unlike their parents, are seeing this for the
first time? That your lesser but newer version is the first
viewing of Fiddler they'll ever have? Have you considered
that?
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
...no, that... never occurred to me...
ALFRED MOLINA'S contract runs out, and
he decides not to renew.
DIRECTOR DAVID LEVEAUX
Oh crap...
The MINKSOFF CURSE strikes again, and
FIDDLER closes at a loss.
The Minskoff Theatre is emptied and
just in time to make room for the
Minskoff's next lucky tennant: a
revival of Stephen Sondheim's "Sunday
in the Park with George" starring Skid
Row's SEBASTIAN BACH and Rent's DAPHNE
RUBIN VEGA.
How will this revival fare in the land
of the fabled "MINSKOFF CURSE"? Only
time will tell...
BLACKOUT.
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