THE FROGS:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: LINCOLN CENTER
Nathan Lane and Roger Bart enter onto
stage in front of curtain.
NATHAN LANE
Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The theatre is a temple and we
are here to worship the gods of comedy and trag--
(coughs)
Oh, sorry, wrong show.
(clears throat)
Patrons of the Theatre, I am Nathan Lane. You may remember
me from shows such as "The Producers". Also... other things.
In this show, I play "Nathan Lane", the God of Sarcastic One
Liners.
ROGER BART
And I am Roger Bart. You may remember me in famous parts
such as Carmen Ghia in "The Producers", as well as Leo Bloom
in "The Producers" after Matthew Broderick left. Also...
other things.
In this show, I play Roger Bart, God of Covering Nathan
Lane's Ass When Chris Kattan Doesn't Want to Work With Him
Anymore.
DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER
SUSAN STROMAN
(entering)
And I'm Director/Choreographer Susan Stroman. You may
remember me as the Director/Choreographer for such Broadway
Musicals as "The Producers". Also, other things.
MEL BROOKS
(climbing up a rope from a
center-stage trap door)
And I'm Mel Brooks. And in this show, I play the part of
"Guy Who Didn't Have to Do Anything With The Play At All".
Which might explain why another show with Nathan Lane, Roger
Bart, and Susan Stroman is not necessarily a "Producers" the
second time around. Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
Mel Brooks continues laughing and
climbing up to the rafters on the rope,
which we see is actually made of Tony
Awards in Mel Brooks' likeness.
NATHAN LANE
Right Mel, you didn't write this play, I did! I told Stephen
Sondheim that I wanted to make his one-act musical "The
Frogs" into a full-length musical which I would re-write the
book for.
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
(climbing up through a trap
door onto a rope made of
awards that most people have
never heard of)
Hold on Nathan, that's not what you said at all. You said
Mel Brooks was the one who was going to write the b--
Nathan Lane cuts the rope and Sondheim
falls back through the trap door.
NATHAN LANE
And now, we start the play!
SCENE: SOME GREEK SETUP, OR WHATEVER
The chorus comes out dressed as a Greek
Chorus.
Clever, no?
No.
ENTIRE GREEK CHORUS
(shouting in unison)
"The Frogs" was a play written by Aristophanes in the time
when Athens was fighting Sparta.
ONE GREEK CHORUS MEMBER
The Greek Chorus would occasionally spout random jabs at
political figures, much like the opening monologue for Comedy
Central's "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart.
ANOTHER GREEK CHORUS MEMBER
However, when we do it, it's usually more like the opening
monologue for MSNBC's "Hardball" with Chris Matthews. In
other words,
ENTIRE GREEK CHORUS
(in unison)
IT PROBABLY WAS MORE ENTERTAINING BACK THEN THAN IT IS NOW.
For no apparent reason, a greek vase in
the background breaks in half and out
roll Nathan Lane and Roger Bart.
NATHAN LANE
I hate frogs. They're lazy, they hate making a difference,
and they hate having to do anything *about* change!
ROGER BART
What the hell are you talking about? Frogs? Is this frog
stuff even *based* on Greek Mythology?
NATHAN LANE
(mugging, of course)
See, in this play, the frogs are a metaphor for a complacent
American citiz--
ROGER BART
--Athenian.
NATHAN LANE
Did I accidentally replace the word American with Athenian?
Whoops!
(to Audience)
See, by extension I'm also talking about Americans because
I'm making a parallel--
ROGER BART
Whatever. I'll just hope that the random frog mentioning
makes more sense later. So what's our mission, Nathan Lane,
God of Eternally Living In Zero Mostel's Shadow?
NATHAN LANE
Well, the world is a mess, so you and I are going to go back
to Hades, the underworld of the dead, to bring back a great
playwright.
ROGER BART
Why, so he can show you how to decently structure a plot?
NATHAN LANE
Um...
ROGER BART
Cause if you could go back to the underworld and get some
playwriting help from one of the dead playwr--
NATHAN LANE
Actually, it's because our leaders are bad leaders. We, THE
ATHENIANS...
(winks at the audience)
...have a horrible government.
Nathan Lane subtlely puts on a George
W. Bush mask as he continues to
blatantly express his political agenda.
ROGER BART
(sighs)
I think I suddenly understand why Chris Kattan left. So
which playwright are we bringing back?
NATHAN LANE
Shaw.
ROGER BART
Whee! I, the stupid slave, don't know any plays he wrote.
Nathan Lane waits for laughter.
ROGER BART
I said, I, the slave, don--
NATHAN LANE
(whispering)
Why aren't they laughing?
ROGER BART
(whispering)
I think the majority of the audience doesn't really know who
George Bernard Shaw is.
Silence.
NATHAN LANE
(whispering)
Uh, really?
ROGER BART
(whispering)
Yeah...
NATHAN LANE
(whispering)
Er... um...
(to audience, loud)
You know, SHAW! The one who wrote PYGMALION!
More silence. Crickets hop by, in
Stephen-Sondheim-twelve-eight rhythm.
NATHAN LANE (CONT'D)
Yes, PYGMALION! Which "My Fair Lady" was BASED ON!
AUDIENCE
Oh yeah! Great movie musical with Audrey Hepburn! Did this
Shaw write the music for the movie?
NATHAN LANE
(to audience,
slightly relieved)
Well, see, the "My Fair Lady" movie was based on a stage
musical, which was based on a play, which was written by a
guy who made huge contributions to theatrical...
Audience's eyes glaze over.
NATHAN LANE
Oh fuck it.
ROGER BART
We're screwed Nathan Lane, God of False Assumption.
SCENE: THE HOUSE OF HERAKLES.
HERAKLES
Hi there. I'm Herakles, and these are my nipples!
Herakles flexes his nipples.
Uncomfortable men in audience anxiously
begin checking their Playbills to see
if there are any hopeful warnings about
possible female nudity later in the
show.
HERAKLES
At one or two points in the show, other characters will
mention that I'm not that bright, but you sure won't see it
written into this scene at all!
NATHAN LANE
Herakles, we want to go to Hades. How can we get there?
HERAKLES
Well first Nathan Lane, God of Mugging to the Audience, you
should dress like me because people in Hades fear me!
Herakles proceeds to dress Nathan Lane
like himself, using many leftover jokes
from Aida's "Strongest Suit".
HERAKLES
But you need to act like me too.
Although Nathan Lane has been the "in
control" character so far during the
play, he spends the rest of this scene
as the "second banana" with Herakles as
the "in control" character. This is
confusing dramatically, killing much of
the comedic dynamic built up in the
past fifteen minutes.
SCENE: A BOAT ON THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF A BIG TURNTABLE
ONSTAGE.
BOAT FERRYMAN
All aboard the boat on the River Styx to Hades!
Nathan Lane and Roger Bart get on.
ROGER BART
Interesting, Nathan. In your playwriting, you made it very
convenient that only the two of us are on this boatride to
the underworld. What, is this the one day of the year that
nobody died?
NATHAN LANE
Shh. Ferryman, I am Herakles, now take us to hell.
Ferryman begins spouting every Hell pun
Nathan Lane could think of.
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
Mommy, why is this comedy so forced?
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE
I'll tell you when you're older, dear.
The boat begins to go around the
stage's turntable, which it will do
on and off for the next twenty minutes.
BOAT FERRYMAN
Hey, if you're Herakles, why don't you steer and it'll be
faster.
The boatman takes his hand off of the
steer, causing the turntable to
suddenly stop turning.
NATHAN LANE
Yes, because I'm the strong Herakles, I can steer faster!
ROGER BART
That makes no sense, Nathan. Stronger people "steer faster"?
Nathan Lane ignores, and steers.
And by "steers", it means he puts his
hand on the stick in the water so that
the turntable can rotate again. Of
course, when nobody is steering a boat,
it sure doesn't move or anything...
Seriously.
BOAT FERRYMAN
Care for some weed, boys?
ROGER BART
(looks at Nathan Lane
incredulously)
Pot jokes?!?!?
NATHAN LANE
(indignant)
You know, we have another half of Act One left on this boat.
Maybe if you--
ROGER BART
Yeah, maybe if I'm high, it'll go by faster.
(tokes)
Hey, I know. Nathan Lane, we've been doing just comedy. Why
don't we slow down the pace to a crawl by trying to be
dramatic about something entirely irrelevant.
NATHAN LANE
Sure, I'll sing about my dead wife. I need a segue though...
I know. Wow, look at the stars. They remind my of my dea--
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
No, Nathan. I'm not writing a song for you about your dead
wife; there aren't any stars to remind you of her. You're
underground. Come up with another song idea for me to write.
NATHAN LANE
Uh... Hey Roger Bart, you know, the LACK of stars remind me
of my dead wife, Ariadne. I think I'll sing about her.
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
(sighs)
Fine, I'll write you the damn song.
As the boat turns around, Nathan Lane
keeps rotating to face the audience as
he sings, which looks really silly.
Meanwhile he sings about his wife for
no apparent reason.
AUDIENCE
Wait, I'm confused. Why is he singing about a dead wife?
Isn't Nathan Lane gay? I don't get it.
NATHAN LANE
Well Roger, sorry for going on tangent in a song and boring
you while doing it.
(mugs)
See, I can't master the musical theatre form, so I can at
least make fun of it!
Suddenly, the chorus comes on stage
dressed like 1980's-flourescent frogs.
NATHAN LANE
Oh no, frogs! They want to turn me into one of them!
ROGER BART
Nope, guess I was wrong about the frogs thing making sense
later.
DIRECTOR/CHOREOGRAPHER
SUSAN STROMAN
Stroman Dancers! Begin the obligatory Susan Stroman dance
number with Susan Stroman props, Susan Stroman tumbles, and
Susan Stroman flips!
Endlessly, the Frogs sing and dance and
show off their costumes.
COSTUME DESIGNER
WILLIAM IVEY LONG
Who cares if the Frogs are entirely irrelevant in the play;
look how colorful I get to make these absurd costumes!
The frogs pull out bungee chords and
begin jumping with them. Then, for no
apparent reason, they put Nathan Lane
onto a bungee chord and make him bungee
too.
NATHAN LANE
Whoa, lookame! I'm Nathan Lane, and I'm bungee-ing!
The next five minutes are filled with
embarrassing "Nathan Lane is flying"
and "Nathan Lane is hopping" segments.
Finally, Nathan Lane is eaten whole by
a giant frog.
ROGER BART
Oh no, what'll I do?
BLACKOUT.
SCENE: INTERMISSION.
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
Mommy, why is half the musical done and nothing has happened
yet?
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE
Good question, dear.
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
And are we really supposed to believe that Nathan Lane is
actually Dionysus, the Greek God of Drama and Wine? `Cause
it's just Nathan Lane in a toga and we all know it.
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE
Yes, yes we do.
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
And are we really supposed to be emotionally involved in his
journey to Hades as he tries to bring a great author back to
the mortal world to warn humanity of its self-destructive
ways? Maybe we should leave and go see "The Producers"
again.
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE
Okay, Mel Brooks. That's the last time you get to play the
part of "Child in Audience".
CHILD IN AUDIENCE
But it's good to be the king.
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE
Shh.
SCENE: SECOND ACT OF PLAY.
ROGER BART
What will I do, what will I do? Nathan Lane was eaten by a
large frog! Wait, I know! Now I'll go save him, and the
plot is going to get somewhat more interesting for once! All
I need is--
NATHAN LANE
(climbing up from trap door)
I'm fine. I escaped the frogs during intermission. No need
to go into a subplot about rescuing me.
ROGER BART
Well crap, there goes Act Two.
NATHAN LANE
I was attacked by these frogs, who I condemn for being a
genial bunch who sing, dance, and lie about while not making
an attempt to change things. These frogs, they were singing
and dancing! AAAAGH!
MEL BROOKS
Nathan, you're doing the "making fun of the musical theatre
form because you can't master the form" thing again.
NATHAN LANE
Shut up, Mel.
SCENE: THE GATE OF HADES.
Beautiful people in white walk by.
NATHAN LANE
Who are you?
PEOPLE IN WHITE
We're the Dyonysians! We pray to the god Dionysus and
generally just sing, dance, and lie about all day!
NATHAN LANE
(to Roger Bart)
Hear that? They pray to me, Dionysus! How fabulous these
lazy people are.
ROGER BART
Nathan, didn't you just condemn the frogs for being the exact
same thi--
NATHAN LANE
Boy, I sure hope they continue to think that I'm Herakles,
and not Dionysus in a costume!
The Dionysians sing and dance boringly,
never once suspecting him being
Dionysus in a Herakles costume. This
once again kills what could have been
yet another very funny subplot.
SCENE: HOUSE OF PLUTO.
Pluto enters, with a giant marquee and
showgirls. He proceeds to sing what is
essentially a horrible ripoff of
"King Herod's Song" from "Jesus
Christ Superstar".
NATHAN LANE
Wow, Hell isn't really all that bad!
PLUTO
(fumbling in his pockets)
Where are the dang new lines you wrote me Nathan...
(pulls out index cards)
Oh right, here they are:
"Hades was never a bad place. That was the Christians' idea,
that Hell is terrible. The Greeks never thought Hades was a
bad place, but rather an excellent post-existence."
ROGER BART
(to Nathan Lane)
Did you DO research? What about Tantalus, who spent eternity
in Hell, thirsty yet unable to drink? Or Sisyphys, who had
to eternally roll a rock up a hill? Or Tityos, who was
gnawed at by vultures for--
NATHAN LANE
Shh. Listen Pluto, I have come by to bring Shaw back to
earth.
PLUTO
Why?
NATHAN LANE
Well you see, our government...
Nathan lane puts on a "Bush Sucks" T
shirt and stands on a soapbox,
preaching about the "Athenian"
government without attempting a single
joke.
ARISTOPHANES
(in grave)
You know, when I made fun of political leaders in my time, it
was at least FUNNY.
NATHAN LANE (CONT'D)
...and my property tax went up, and I don't like that either!
Chorus comes out, and acts like a
"Greek Chorus" for the second and last
time in the play, therefore killing the
possibility of the Greek Chorus concept
being used in something known as
"consistency".
SCENE: OUTSIDE OF HADES' DINING HALL.
Nathan Lane enters, singing about how
he found Shaw to the tune of My Fair
Lady's "You Did It". Unfortunately,
this is nowhere near as funny as it
could have been.
Shaw says various famous quotes that
nobody in the audience recognizes.
SHAW
Yes I will go to the living world with you, Nathan Lane. By
the way, I hate Shakespeare.
Conveniently, Shakespeare walks by.
SHAKESPEARE
Well I hate you!
BOAT FERRYMAN
(arriving)
Nathan Lane, I'm ready to bring you back to earth! And by
the way, even though you aren't dressed up like Herakles
anymore, I'll entirely ignore the fact that I wouldn't
recognize you! But you have fifteen minutes.
NATHAN LANE
That's good, I promised the audience at least fifteen more
minutes of play after I cut this show down by 45 minutes
during previews.
CHRIS KATTAN
(slaps own ass)
Damn right!
NATHAN LANE
Shakespeare, Shaw, you guys will get into a tacked-on verbal
argument where I'll say a topic and you'll both quote from
your own works about it. It'll be fun!
It won't.
NATHAN LANE
First topic, marriage. Shaw, you begin.
Shaw begins quoting from him plays, and
Shakespeare from his, back and forth.
This bores the audience to tears
because in the context of a Nathan Lane
pot-and-fart-joke comedy, the more
intellectual languages of Shaw and
Shakespeare is jarring, especially out
of context.
AUDIENCE
I have no idea what either of these two are saying.
DEAD WIFE
(enters)
Oh Nathan Lane, it's me!
NATHAN LANE
Dead wife, it is you! I am having trouble coming up with the
last topic for them to argue about.
DEAD WIFE
It's staring you right in the face.
NATHAN LANE
(looks at Dead Wife)
You're right.
(goes back to match)
The final topic is: Death.
DEAD WIFE
You stare at me and you think death? How about beauty, or
love, or maybe even the cleavage that I and every other girl
in this show have had lifted and separated so wonderfully.
Death? Next time you visit the underworld, why don't you
consider actually coming to visit me while you're here!
You asshole.
She leaves.
SHAW
Okay, my turn first.
Shaw delivers some more out-of-context
quotes, but does it beautifully.
Of course, we still have no idea what
he's talking about, but we can tell he
does it beautifully because his voice
gets softer.
SHAKESPEARE
Okay, my turn.
Shakespeare does the same as Shaw, but
sings it instead.
NATHAN LANE
Well you win, Shakespeare.
SHAW
How did HE win?
NATHAN LANE
Well, because he sung it. And I thought it was nice to have
at least *one* song during Act Two that actually moved the
plot along. Let's go, Shakespeare.
SCENE: BACK IN "ATHENS", WHICH STUPIDLY HAS A STATUE OF
LIBERTY IN THE SCENERY.
NATHAN LANE
So how do we end this comedy, Shakespeare? I know. How
about I sing a song asking the audience to stand up and take
action for what they believe in.
SHAKESPEARE
No, Nathan Lane. You end a comedy with a final laugh. For
example, maybe if I was going to come back to earth to write
again, you have an idea where Shakespeare is writing new
plays about the Bush Administration. That would have been
political *and* funny.
NATHAN LANE
Wha? Political *and* funny?
SHAKESPEARE
(shakes head)
Nathan Lane, you get an F in Playwriting.
Shakespeare walks off.
GUY IN AUDIENCE.
Yeah Nathan Lane, you get an F in Playwriting.
NATHAN LANE
I said shut up, Mel Brooks.
Nathan Lane composes an apology
letter to Stephen Sondheim.
FADE TO BLACK.
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