HAIR ABRIDGED
OR
NAKED HIPPIES NAKED THE MUSICAL NAKED!
OR
A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT MAKING "HAIR" COHERENT
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Gina Guadagnino
SCENE: CLOSING CAST PARTY OF THE 2008 "SHAKESPEARE IN THE
PARK" PRODUCTION OF "HAIR", WHICH (LITTLE KNOWN FACT) WASN'T
WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE AT ALL.
THE PUBLIC THEATER
Our production of HAIR in the park had spirit, passion and
competent actors. That rarely happens when we do ACTUAL
SHAKESPEARE in the park. Must be Shakespeare's fault,
because it certainly couldn't be us.
DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS
Shame we didn't charge for it. There has to be a way for us
to wring a dollar out of these naked hippies, turning their
free-spirited, patchuli-scented love-fest into a corporate
juggarnaut.
PRODUCERS JEFFREY RICHARDS,
JERRY FRANKEL, GARY GOODARD,
KATHLEEN JOHNSON, ALL 17
NEDERLANDERS, FRAN KIRMSER,
JED BERNSTEIN, MARC FRANKEL,
BARBARA MANOCHERIAN/
WENCLAIR, TERRY SHNUCK, ANDY
SANDBERG [NOT THE SNL ONE,
THAT'S ANDY SAMBERG], NORTON
HERRICK, JOEY PARNES AND THE
WEINSTEINS.
YES, THOSE WEINSTEINS.
Dollars? Naked?
SCENE: THE AL HIRSCHFELD THEATRE, WHERE FREE LOVE RUNS ABOUT
$100 A POP.
Cast sings that one song you know.
WILL SWENSON
My character's name is "Berger". I'm going to make lots of
PUNS about this and--
AUDIENCE
WHY ARE THEY NOT NAKED YET.
WILL SWENSON
Wow, you guys really need to learn how to find Porn on the
Internet or something. Okay, fine.
(takes off pants)
I know what you're thinking. "Oh dear, isn't that a cute
one." My penis, that is.
AUDIENCE
WE CAN'T ACTUALLY SEE YOUR PENIS WHY ARE YOU TAUNTING US?
WILL SWENSON
I guess you'll have to wait until right before the
intermission.
Oh look, my mom is here tonight! Every night!
How lucky you guys are to be here the night my Mom showed up.
WILL SWENSON'S MOM
(isn't Will Swenson's Mom)
GAY HIPPIE
I'm the Gay Hippie, except I'm not really admitting I'm gay.
Because in a show with a multiracial naked cast, that would
be controversial!
(makes out with poster of Mick
Jagger in straightest way
possible)
Also by the way, LOVE is very important.
BLACK GUY
I'm the black guy.
OTHER BLACK GUYS
We're black too!
ALL BLACK GUYS
LOOK AT HOW INTEGRATED OUR CAST IS! ISN'T THAT
REVOLUTIONARY?
AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE
From way up here we can't tell.
GAY HIPPIE
Since the mezzanine is half-empty, let's perform the hit song
from Hair, "The Song Where The People In The Rear Mezzanine
Get Better Seats".
AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE
BUT NOW IN FRONT MEZZANINE
HOORAY! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS!
WILL SWENSON
I hate school! Wah wah wah wah wah!
TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
NAZI ACCENT
I am showing how institutional the American school system is
by portraying a German principal who is named "Principal
Poopypants." TAKE OUR VERY IMPORTANT HIPPIE MESSAGE
SERIOUSLY! ALSO, LOVE!
WILL SWENSON
I must be a high school student; you can tell because I have
two o' clock shadow.
TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
NAZI ACCENT
Will Swenson, you are expelled from Doodyface Academy.
WILL SWENSON
(lathering his face for a nice
close shave)
For being old enough to immediately go to jail were I to date
my classmates?
TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
NAZI ACCENT
No, for being subversive.
WILL SWENSON
(while renting a car without
paying a surcharge)
If I'm so subversive, why should I go to high school anyway?
TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
NAZI ACCENT
Because if you don't go to High School, you have to go to
`NAM!
WILL SWENSON
I live on the street. How the hell were they going to mail
me a draft card in the first place?
TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
NAZI ACCENT
Um...
WILL SWENSON
Then I didn't need to go to High School at ALL. Forget this!
This isn't IMPORTANT! This isn't LOVE!
Enter Claude.
JONATHAN GROFF
My name is Claude, and I'm from Manchester Eng--
GAVIN CREEL
Honey, you forgot. I'm playing the part of Claude now!
*You* played the part in the Park, silly!
JONATHAN GROFF
Whoopsie, I forgot! Okay Gavy-poo.
They kiss a hot Claude-on-Claude kiss.
JONATHAN GROFF
Gav-gav, when are they announcing the replacement cast for
when you guys go to London?
GAVIN CREEL
Any day now. Why, SugarGroff?
JONATHAN GROFF
Let me know when you find out who's playing Claude. We can
invite him over to... um... "watch Glee with us".
(wink)
GAVIN CREEL
(in a horrible British accent)
My character's name is Claude! And I'm from Manchester,
England!
WILL SWENSON
Why Manchester England?
GAVIN CREEL
Because that's where the Beatles are from!
WILL SWENSON
That's...
Also you're from Flushing.
GAVIN CREEL
Um... bullocks? Or no bullocks? Hey which one is it?
Enter Gavin Creel's parents as imagined
by hippies playing dressup with Mommy
and Daddy's clothing.
GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS
Get a job and join the Army!
GAVIN CREEL
Those are two entirely different things.
GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS
We are stereotypical parents from Queens and we are ashamed
of your long hair and very stylish jeans.
GAVIN CREEL
I'm going to RIP UP MY DRAFT LETTER!
He does!
ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
IS UNDER THE AGE OF 35
Meh.
SIX PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE
(clapping wildly)
Whooo!
FUN GAME: Can you guess how many old
hippies are in the audience tonight?
GAVIN CREEL
Love love love. Hey, let's sing about body parts!
Cast of Hair runs out into the audience
to interact with/frighten them.
CAST OF HAIR
(singing)
I'VE GOT MY EYES
I'VE GOT MY NOSE
I'VE GOT MY MOUTH
I'VE GOT MY HANDS
I'VE GOT MY SPHINCTER
I'VE GOT MY ESOPHAGUS
I'VE GOT MY LARGE INTESTINE
I'VE GOT MY SMALL INTESTINE
I'VE GOT MY COLON
I'VE GOT MY MEDULLA OBLONGATA
I'VE GOT MY CUSPIDS
I'VE GOT MY MOLARS
I'VE GOT MY INCISORS
I'VE GOT MY CANINES
I'VE GOT MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED BUT THEY USED TO BE THERE.
FUN GAME: What skill do you need in
order to be a Hair Castmember? Is it:
A) Be able to sing 8 times a week?
B) Have some idea of how to remove
your clothes (or how to have a fellow
cast member do it for you)?
C) Be comfortable touching random
strangers in ways you wouldn't even
consider doing to your closest friend
if "being in character" wasn't a
suitable excuse?
D) All of the above.
FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING
TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON
[ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE
ACTUALLY MEN]
We're on our honeymoon!
TWELVE PEOPLE IN THE
AUDIENCE
(clap)
We are applauding for you even though it's clear you are not
real people!
FUN GAME: Guess how many people in the
audience did a hit in the bathroom just
before the show?
FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING
TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON
[ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE
ACTUALLY MEN]
Sing the title song already!
They do, while running out to interact
with the audience once again.
TOKEN ASIAN GIRL
I am running my fingers through 40% of the audience's hair!
STEEL "STEEL" BURKHARDT
It is fun to molest the scalp of strangers!
Also my name is actually Steel! Isn't that awesome?
THE INCOMPARABLE
MEGAN "REDHEAD" REINKING
Headlice has spread quite a lot in NYC since March 2009!
I wonder why!
COSTUME DESIGNER
MICHAEL MCDONALD
Oh... but I built a Purell pouch into everybody's clothes...
Enter an NYU student.
CAISSIE LEVY
They call me Democracy's Daughter because I care about
THINGS!
WILL SWENSON
(kiss kiss)
Hello, love!
CAISSIE LEVY
(kiss kiss)
THINGS, like being a college student dating a "high school
student".
WILL SWENSON
That's okay, I got expelled.
CAISSIE LEVY
(it's nice to hear that hippies
nag too)
Tsk. As a hippie myself, I had plans for you Will Swenson!
Plans that involved you growing up and being responsible and
getting a job, and growing up into the 80s, and wearing a
Member's Only jacket, and taking me to the multiplex in your
Iroc.
WILL SWENSON
My what?
CAISSIE LEVY
Your Iroc. It was a car that was popular in the 1980s! Is!
No, will be! Damn, when are you going to Grow Up And Be A
Hippie?
GAVIN CREEL
Oh Caissie, *I'll* grow up and be...
Wait what?
WILL SWENSON
My best friend is in love with my girlfriend.
I guess by default, that means that we should have hot three
way action?
CAISSIE LEVY
It's called a "love triangle". Jackass.
AUDIENCE
(clapping)
We understand this plot point!
PREGNANT CHICK
Everybody got that?
See, Gavin Creel is in love with Caissie Levy, and Caissie
Levy is in love with Will Swenson, and Will Swenson is in
love with both of them.
But: I'm in love with Gavin Creel! Love triangles are for
squares--this is a love quadrangle!
GEOMETRY TEACHERS
(heads explode)
AUDIENCE
Oh, your pregnancy's relevant to the plot because the baby's
father is Gavin Cr--
PREGNANT CHICK
No, it's not his at all. It's an unnamed speed freak's.
And we will never bring him up again.
AUDIENCE
Plot... Relevant...
Nevermind.
CAISSIE LEVY
Will Swenson: I just came back from being tear-gassed,
and all I brought you was this stupid T-Shirt.
WILL SWENSON
I'M GONNA RIP IT!
He does.
CAISSIE LEVY
Why'd you do that?
WILL SWENSON
Because I'm an immature hippie.
Wait, is that really the message we're trying to convey?
CAISSIE LEVY
Then I'm gonna sing a song about it!
She does.
THAT GIRL FROM
ALL THE POSTERS
I'm going to sing a song about waiting for some guy in front
of the Waverly, which is probably an NYU Dorm today.
She does.
Audience gets antsy.
AUDIENCE
We were promised nudity. We have no idea what's going on
anymore but we distinctly remember being promised nudity.
BLACK GUY
Lucky for you, that's what we do at be-ins!
GAY HIPPIE
What's a be-in?
BLACK GUY
How should I know, I was born in `83.
Everybody burns their draft cards.
PREGNANT CHICK
Gavin, why aren't you burning *your* draft card?
GAVIN CREEL
Because I tore it up in front of my parents, remember?
PREGNANT CHICK
No, that was your draft *letter*, this is your draft *card*.
There's a difference.
GAVIN CREEL
Oh. I guess I don't have a good reason then. Hey, Rest Of
Cast, why are you suddenly naked?
REST OF CAST
We don't have a reason either.
DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS
Because the audience was promised nudity.
Dimly, dimly lit nudity.
SCENE: ACTUALLY OVERHEARD IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM:
LATE 20S THEATREGOER
Why are there so many 14 year olds dressed like hippies at
this show?
HER FRIEND
I guess they're just really into the show.
LATE 20S THEATREGOER
Whatever. I was into "Beauty and the Beast" at that age, but
I didn't go to the show in a yellow ballgown.
SCENE: SOMEPLACE WITH A GIANT PROJECTION OF THE MOON THAT
WILL BE REFERRED TO OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
The cast sings a song about how girls
like boys of the "opposite race".
No, not like.
*Love*.
WHITE GIRLS
We are very much into black boys!
BLACK GIRLS
Except why would black girls be into white boys?
More audience interaction: a small
blonde girl tickles your leg waving
"hi" like she knows you or something.
Wait a second is she even in the cast?
WILL SWENSON
Look at the giant projected moon! Let's get high!
PREGNANT CHICK
I will suck in this doobie so deeply that my fetus will be
able to touch the sky!
AUDIENCE
We find this much more shocking than our promised nudity.
WILL SWENSON
(somehow not a dick joke)
Gavin Creel, I made a special joint for you to suck.
GAVIN CREEL
Oh, I'm so depressed about having to go to Vietnam that I'm
going to get high to feel better.
Suddenly he goes skydiving.
GAVIN CREEL
So much more fun when you're high!
He sees famous people.
ARETHRA FRANKLIN
(sings R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
just to placate the audience)
GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS,
LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET
O'HARA, CLARK GABLE,
GENERAL CUSTARD,
THE DALAI LLAMA
AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN
We are all famous people, and we are all dead. If you go
to Vietnam, you'll be dead too.
ARETHRA FRANKLIN
Wait, what?
GAVIN CREEL
Even if I put this flower in this gun? Like every fucking
poster you've ever seen from the 60s?
GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS,
LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET
O'HARA, CLARK GABLE,
GENERAL CUSTARD,
THE DALAI LLAMA
AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN
Yes, even then.
GAVIN CREEL
Even if George W. Bush is no longer in office, thus making
the political parallels we've drawn between this era and the
Iraqi war meaningless?
GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS,
LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET
O'HARA, CLARK GABLE,
GENERAL CUSTARD,
THE DALAI LLAMA
AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN
Yes, even then.
GAVIN CREEL
In that case..
(wakes up)
Wow, that was a bad trip.
AUDIENCE
No shit.
Entire cast runs around the theater
once again, finally proving that they
didn't really need the stage at all in
the first place.
GAVIN CREEL
Hey Caissie Levy, look at how well I can sing music that
flows with Shakespeare's lyrics as unnaturally as possible!
So will you marry me?
CAISSIE LEVY
That's not going to save you. But maybe if we all say "yip"
really hard, we can... um... conjure up the Sesame Street
aliens and they'll end the war?
WILL SWENSON
I'll never have to go to war! I'm going to India! I'm going
to stay young and high forever!
"Berger", by the way is now a middle-
aged chiropractor in Fort Lauderdale.
OTHER HIPPIES
That's right! We're going to stay young and liberal forever!
And found Ben and Jerry's and the Whole Foods Corporation and
Organic Disco and battle erectile dysfunction and vote for
Proposition 8 and never legalize marijuana. Oh wait a minute
we failed at everything.
GAVIN CREEL
That sounds terrible. I'd rather just go die on that flag.
He DOES.
REST OF CAST
Now that dummyhead Gavin Creel's out of the way, everybody
come up onstage and dance with us!
Lights get very bright.
REST OF CAST
...
...
...
Hey why is nobody onstage dancing with us?
MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE
You want that I should walk up these stairs without a
handrail? Feh.
Hippies in cast put handrails on side
of stairs to stage so Hippies in
audience can meet them.
Hippies in audience dance.
Then they take off all their clothes.
CAST OF HAIR
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE
WE WERE PROMISED NUDITY.
BLACKOUT.
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