Hair: Abridged


                                    HAIR ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                        NAKED HIPPIES NAKED THE MUSICAL NAKED!
                                         OR
                      A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT MAKING "HAIR" COHERENT
                             A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                         By Gil Varod and Gina Guadagnino






            SCENE: CLOSING CAST PARTY OF THE 2008 "SHAKESPEARE IN THE
            PARK" PRODUCTION OF "HAIR", WHICH (LITTLE KNOWN FACT) WASN'T
            WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE AT ALL.


                                   THE PUBLIC THEATER
            Our production of HAIR in the park had spirit, passion and
            competent actors.  That rarely happens when we do ACTUAL
            SHAKESPEARE in the park.  Must be Shakespeare's fault,
            because it certainly couldn't be us.


                                   DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS
            Shame we didn't charge for it.  There has to be a way for us
            to wring a dollar out of these naked hippies, turning their
            free-spirited, patchuli-scented love-fest into a corporate
            juggarnaut.


                                   PRODUCERS JEFFREY RICHARDS,
                                   JERRY FRANKEL, GARY GOODARD,
                                   KATHLEEN JOHNSON, ALL 17
                                   NEDERLANDERS, FRAN KIRMSER,
                                   JED BERNSTEIN, MARC FRANKEL,
                                   BARBARA MANOCHERIAN/
                                   WENCLAIR, TERRY SHNUCK, ANDY
                                   SANDBERG [NOT THE SNL ONE,
                                   THAT'S ANDY SAMBERG], NORTON
                                   HERRICK, JOEY PARNES AND THE
                                   WEINSTEINS.              
                                   YES, THOSE WEINSTEINS. 
            Dollars?  Naked?






            SCENE: THE AL HIRSCHFELD THEATRE, WHERE FREE LOVE RUNS ABOUT
            $100 A POP.


                                   Cast sings that one song you know.


                                   WILL SWENSON
            My character's name is "Berger".  I'm going to make lots of
            PUNS about this and--


                                   AUDIENCE
            WHY ARE THEY NOT NAKED YET.


                                   WILL SWENSON
            Wow, you guys really need to learn how to find Porn on the
            Internet or something.  Okay, fine.
                          (takes off pants)
            I know what you're thinking.  "Oh dear, isn't that a cute
            one."  My penis, that is.


                                   AUDIENCE
            WE CAN'T ACTUALLY SEE YOUR PENIS WHY ARE YOU TAUNTING US?


                                   WILL SWENSON
            I guess you'll have to wait until right before the
            intermission.
            Oh look, my mom is here tonight!  Every night!
            How lucky you guys are to be here the night my Mom showed up.


                                   WILL SWENSON'S MOM
                          (isn't Will Swenson's Mom)


                                   GAY HIPPIE
            I'm the Gay Hippie, except I'm not really admitting I'm gay. 
            Because in a show with a multiracial naked cast, that would
            be controversial!
                          (makes out with poster of Mick
                           Jagger in straightest way
                           possible)
            Also by the way, LOVE is very important.


                                   BLACK GUY
            I'm the black guy.


                                   OTHER BLACK GUYS 
            We're black too!


                                   ALL BLACK GUYS
            LOOK AT HOW INTEGRATED OUR CAST IS!  ISN'T THAT
            REVOLUTIONARY?


                                   AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE
            From way up here we can't tell.


                                   GAY HIPPIE 
            Since the mezzanine is half-empty, let's perform the hit song
            from Hair, "The Song Where The People In The Rear Mezzanine
            Get Better Seats".


                                   AUDIENCE IN REAR MEZZANINE
                                   BUT NOW IN FRONT MEZZANINE
            HOORAY!  THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS!


                                   WILL SWENSON
            I hate school!  Wah wah wah wah wah!


                                   TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
                                   GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
                                   NAZI ACCENT
            I am showing how institutional the American school system is
            by portraying a German principal who is named "Principal
            Poopypants."  TAKE OUR VERY IMPORTANT HIPPIE MESSAGE
            SERIOUSLY!  ALSO, LOVE!


                                   WILL SWENSON
            I must be a high school student; you can tell because I have
            two o' clock shadow.


                                   TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
                                   GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
                                   NAZI ACCENT
            Will Swenson, you are expelled from Doodyface Academy.


                                   WILL SWENSON
                          (lathering his face for a nice
                           close shave)
            For being old enough to immediately go to jail were I to date
            my classmates?


                                   TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
                                   GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
                                   NAZI ACCENT
            No, for being subversive.


                                   WILL SWENSON
                          (while renting a car without
                           paying a surcharge)
            If I'm so subversive, why should I go to high school anyway?


                                   TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
                                   GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
                                   NAZI ACCENT
            Because if you don't go to High School, you have to go to
            `NAM!


                                   WILL SWENSON
            I live on the street.  How the hell were they going to mail
            me a draft card in the first place?


                                   TEENAGER DRESSING UP LIKE A
                                   GROWNUP USING A RIDICULOUS
                                   NAZI ACCENT
            Um...


                                   WILL SWENSON
            Then I didn't need to go to High School at ALL.  Forget this!
            This isn't IMPORTANT!  This isn't LOVE!


                                   Enter Claude.


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            My name is Claude, and I'm from Manchester Eng--


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Honey, you forgot.  I'm playing the part of Claude now! 
            *You* played the part in the Park, silly!


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Whoopsie, I forgot!  Okay Gavy-poo.


                                   They kiss a hot Claude-on-Claude kiss.


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Gav-gav, when are they announcing the replacement cast for
            when you guys go to London?


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Any day now.  Why, SugarGroff?


                                   JONATHAN GROFF
            Let me know when you find out who's playing Claude.  We can
            invite him over to... um... "watch Glee with us".
                          (wink)


                                   GAVIN CREEL 
                          (in a horrible British accent)
            My character's name is Claude!  And I'm from Manchester,
            England!


                                   WILL SWENSON
            Why Manchester England?


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Because that's where the Beatles are from!


                                   WILL SWENSON
            That's...
            Also you're from Flushing.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Um... bullocks?  Or no bullocks?  Hey which one is it?


                                   Enter Gavin Creel's parents as imagined
                                   by hippies playing dressup with Mommy
                                   and Daddy's clothing.


                                   GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS
            Get a job and join the Army!


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Those are two entirely different things.


                                   GAVIN CREEL'S PARENTS
            We are stereotypical parents from Queens and we are ashamed
            of your long hair and very stylish jeans.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            I'm going to RIP UP MY DRAFT LETTER!


                                   He does!


                                   ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
                                   IS UNDER THE AGE OF 35
            Meh.


                                   SIX PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE
                          (clapping wildly)
            Whooo!


                                   FUN GAME: Can you guess how many old
                                   hippies are in the audience tonight?


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Love love love.  Hey, let's sing about body parts!


                                   Cast of Hair runs out into the audience
                                   to interact with/frighten them.


                                   CAST OF HAIR
                          (singing)
            I'VE GOT MY EYES
            I'VE GOT MY NOSE
            I'VE GOT MY MOUTH
            I'VE GOT MY HANDS
            I'VE GOT MY SPHINCTER
            I'VE GOT MY ESOPHAGUS
            I'VE GOT MY LARGE INTESTINE
            I'VE GOT MY SMALL INTESTINE
            I'VE GOT MY COLON
            I'VE GOT MY MEDULLA OBLONGATA
            I'VE GOT MY CUSPIDS
            I'VE GOT MY MOLARS
            I'VE GOT MY INCISORS
            I'VE GOT MY CANINES
            I'VE GOT MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED BUT THEY USED TO BE THERE.


                                   FUN GAME: What skill do you need in
                                   order to be a Hair Castmember?  Is it:
                                     A) Be able to sing 8 times a week?
                                     B) Have some idea of how to remove
                                   your clothes (or how to have a fellow
                                   cast member do it for you)?
                                     C) Be comfortable touching random
                                   strangers in ways you wouldn't even
                                   consider doing to your closest friend
                                   if "being in character" wasn't a
                                   suitable excuse?
                                     D) All of the above.


                                   FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING
                                   TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON
                                   [ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE
                                   ACTUALLY MEN]
            We're on our honeymoon!


                                   TWELVE PEOPLE IN THE
                                   AUDIENCE
                          (clap)
            We are applauding for you even though it's clear you are not
            real people!


                                   FUN GAME: Guess how many people in the
                                   audience did a hit in the bathroom just
                                   before the show?


                                   FAKE `60S COUPLE PRETENDING
                                   TO BE ON THEIR HONEYMOON
                                   [ALTHOUGH BOTH OF THEM ARE
                                   ACTUALLY MEN]
            Sing the title song already!


                                   They do, while running out to interact
                                   with the audience once again.


                                   TOKEN ASIAN GIRL 
            I am running my fingers through 40% of the audience's hair!


                                   STEEL "STEEL" BURKHARDT
            It is fun to molest the scalp of strangers!
            Also my name is actually Steel!  Isn't that awesome?


                                   THE INCOMPARABLE        
                                   MEGAN "REDHEAD" REINKING
            Headlice has spread quite a lot in NYC since March 2009!  
            I wonder why!


                                   COSTUME DESIGNER     
                                   MICHAEL MCDONALD
            Oh... but I built a Purell pouch into everybody's clothes...


                                   Enter an NYU student.


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            They call me Democracy's Daughter because I care about
            THINGS!


                                   WILL SWENSON
                          (kiss kiss)
            Hello, love!


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
                          (kiss kiss)
            THINGS, like being a college student dating a "high school
            student".


                                   WILL SWENSON
            That's okay, I got expelled.


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
                          (it's nice to hear that hippies
                           nag too)
            Tsk.  As a hippie myself, I had plans for you Will Swenson!
            Plans that involved you growing up and being responsible and
            getting a job, and growing up into the 80s, and wearing a
            Member's Only jacket, and taking me to the multiplex in your
            Iroc. 


                                   WILL SWENSON
            My what?


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            Your Iroc.  It was a car that was popular in the 1980s!  Is! 
            No, will be!  Damn, when are you going to Grow Up And Be A
            Hippie?


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Oh Caissie, *I'll* grow up and be...
            Wait what?


                                   WILL SWENSON
            My best friend is in love with my girlfriend.
            I guess by default, that means that we should have hot three
            way action?


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            It's called a "love triangle".  Jackass.


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (clapping)
            We understand this plot point!


                                   PREGNANT CHICK
            Everybody got that?
            See, Gavin Creel is in love with Caissie Levy, and Caissie 
            Levy is in love with Will Swenson, and Will Swenson is in 
            love with both of them.   
            But: I'm in love with Gavin Creel!  Love triangles are for
            squares--this is a love quadrangle!


                                   GEOMETRY TEACHERS
                          (heads explode)


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oh, your pregnancy's relevant to the plot because the baby's
            father is Gavin Cr--


                                   PREGNANT CHICK
            No, it's not his at all.  It's an unnamed speed freak's.  
            And we will never bring him up again.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Plot... Relevant...  
            Nevermind.


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            Will Swenson: I just came back from being tear-gassed,
            and all I brought you was this stupid T-Shirt.


                                   WILL SWENSON
            I'M GONNA RIP IT!


                                   He does.


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            Why'd you do that?


                                   WILL SWENSON
            Because I'm an immature hippie.  
            Wait, is that really the message we're trying to convey?


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            Then I'm gonna sing a song about it!


                                   She does.


                                   THAT GIRL FROM           
                                   ALL THE POSTERS
            I'm going to sing a song about waiting for some guy in front
            of the Waverly, which is probably an NYU Dorm today.


                                   She does.


                                   Audience gets antsy.


                                   AUDIENCE
            We were promised nudity.  We have no idea what's going on
            anymore but we distinctly remember being promised nudity.


                                   BLACK GUY
            Lucky for you, that's what we do at be-ins!


                                   GAY HIPPIE
            What's a be-in?


                                   BLACK GUY
            How should I know, I was born in `83.


                                   Everybody burns their draft cards.


                                   PREGNANT CHICK
            Gavin, why aren't you burning *your* draft card?


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Because I tore it up in front of my parents, remember?


                                   PREGNANT CHICK
            No, that was your draft *letter*, this is your draft *card*. 
            There's a difference.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Oh.  I guess I don't have a good reason then.  Hey, Rest Of
            Cast, why are you suddenly naked?


                                   REST OF CAST
            We don't have a reason either.


                                   DIRECTOR DIANE PAULUS
            Because the audience was promised nudity.  
            Dimly, dimly lit nudity.






            SCENE: ACTUALLY OVERHEARD IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM:


                                   LATE 20S THEATREGOER
            Why are there so many 14 year olds dressed like hippies at
            this show?


                                   HER FRIEND
            I guess they're just really into the show.


                                   LATE 20S THEATREGOER
            Whatever.  I was into "Beauty and the Beast" at that age, but
            I didn't go to the show in a yellow ballgown.






            SCENE: SOMEPLACE WITH A GIANT PROJECTION OF THE MOON THAT
            WILL BE REFERRED TO OVER AND OVER AND OVER.


                                   The cast sings a song about how girls
                                   like boys of the "opposite race".


                                   No, not like.


                                   *Love*.


                                   WHITE GIRLS
            We are very much into black boys!


                                   BLACK GIRLS
            Except why would black girls be into white boys?


                                   More audience interaction: a small
                                   blonde girl tickles your leg waving
                                   "hi" like she knows you or something.


                                   Wait a second is she even in the cast?


                                   WILL SWENSON
            Look at the giant projected moon!  Let's get high!


                                   PREGNANT CHICK
            I will suck in this doobie so deeply that my fetus will be
            able to touch the sky!


                                   AUDIENCE
            We find this much more shocking than our promised nudity.


                                   WILL SWENSON
                          (somehow not a dick joke)
            Gavin Creel, I made a special joint for you to suck.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Oh, I'm so depressed about having to go to Vietnam that I'm
            going to get high to feel better.


                                   Suddenly he goes skydiving.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            So much more fun when you're high!


                                   He sees famous people.


                                   ARETHRA FRANKLIN
                          (sings R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
                           just to placate the audience)


                                   GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS,
                                   LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET
                                   O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, 
                                   GENERAL CUSTARD,
                                   THE DALAI LLAMA
                                   AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN
            We are all famous people, and we are all dead.  If you go
            to Vietnam, you'll be dead too.


                                   ARETHRA FRANKLIN
            Wait, what?


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Even if I put this flower in this gun?  Like every fucking
            poster you've ever seen from the 60s?


                                   GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS,
                                   LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET
                                   O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, 
                                   GENERAL CUSTARD,
                                   THE DALAI LLAMA
                                   AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN
            Yes, even then.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Even if George W. Bush is no longer in office, thus making
            the political parallels we've drawn between this era and the
            Iraqi war meaningless?


                                   GRANT, WASHINGTON, INDIANS,
                                   LINCOLN, BOOTH, SCARLET
                                   O'HARA, CLARK GABLE, 
                                   GENERAL CUSTARD,
                                   THE DALAI LLAMA
                                   AND ARETHRA FRANKLIN
            Yes, even then.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            In that case..
                          (wakes up)
            Wow, that was a bad trip.


                                   AUDIENCE
            No shit.


                                   Entire cast runs around the theater
                                   once again, finally proving that they
                                   didn't really need the stage at all in
                                   the first place.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            Hey Caissie Levy, look at how well I can sing music that
            flows with Shakespeare's lyrics as unnaturally as possible! 
            So will you marry me?


                                   CAISSIE LEVY
            That's not going to save you.  But maybe if we all say "yip"
            really hard, we can... um... conjure up the Sesame Street
            aliens and they'll end the war?


                                   WILL SWENSON
            I'll never have to go to war! I'm going to India! I'm going
            to stay young and high forever!


                                   "Berger", by the way is now a middle-
                                   aged chiropractor in Fort Lauderdale.


                                   OTHER HIPPIES
            That's right!  We're going to stay young and liberal forever! 
            And found Ben and Jerry's and the Whole Foods Corporation and
            Organic Disco and battle erectile dysfunction and vote for 
            Proposition 8 and never legalize marijuana.  Oh wait a minute 
            we failed at everything.


                                   GAVIN CREEL
            That sounds terrible.  I'd rather just go die on that flag.


                                   He DOES.


                                   REST OF CAST
            Now that dummyhead Gavin Creel's out of the way, everybody
            come up onstage and dance with us!


                                   Lights get very bright.


                                   REST OF CAST
            ...
            ...
            ...
            Hey why is nobody onstage dancing with us?


                                   MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE
            You want that I should walk up these stairs without a
            handrail?  Feh.


                                   Hippies in cast put handrails on side
                                   of stairs to stage so Hippies in
                                   audience can meet them.


                                   Hippies in audience dance.


                                   Then they take off all their clothes.


                                   CAST OF HAIR
            What the fuck do you think you're doing?


                                   MIDDLE-AGED AUDIENCE
            WE WERE PROMISED NUDITY.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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