Hurly Burly: Abridged

                                HURLY BURLY ABRIDGED
                     From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      




            SCENE: THE 80S. WITH VERY 80S WALLPAPER AND 80S
            PARAPHERNALIA. JUST IN CASE IT WASN'T FRICKING CLEAR ENOUGH
            FOR YOU.


                                   Ethan Hawke lies on couch with ass
                                   crack showing.


                                   ETHAN HAWKE'S ASS CRACK
            Maybe at least half of you will be able to feel like you got
            your money's worth if STARE AT ME!


                                   GUY WITH MUSTACHE
            Hey Ethan. I'm your roommate who will be at-first-possibly
            gay-but-later-on-definitely-not!


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            I'm confused.  Cause I'm on lots of drugs.
                          (looks at audience)
            I AM VERY DEFINITELY ON LOTS OF DRUGS!  SEE?  I AM ON DRUGS!


                                   ASSHOLE GUY
                          (entering)
            HEY!  I had a DIVORCE or something or rather.  It's
            irrelevant.  What you need to know is that I get ANGRY at
            people all play long!  I wonder if this'll come back to get
            me by the end of the play?


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            For some reason Jerk Guy, you're my friend.  Let's smoke weed
            for like an hour.


                                   They DO.


                                   GUY WITH MUSTACHE
            Ethan, why don't you date Parkey Posey instead of me dating
            Parker Posey?


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            Done.


                                   Enter Parkey Posey.


                                   PARKER POSEY
            Hi!


                                   Exit Parker Posey.


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            Whoa, I'm on so much drugs that it seems like she was on
            stage for maybe five minutes!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Uh, it's not the drugs...


                                   GUY WITH MUSTACHE
            Look Ethan, I've brought along the old guy from Princess
            Bride who said the word "Inconceivable" a lot.


                                   OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
            Inconceivable!  Inconceivable!


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            What's inconceivable?


                                   OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
            I deliver every single line like it has an exclamation!  But
            still like it sounds like a question!  I don't get it!  It's
            inconceivable!


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            Um, what're you doing here?


                                   OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
            I brought a 19 year old female NYU student with me!  She's a
            DRIFTER.


                                   FEMALE NYU STUDENT
            I like to have sex.


                                   ASSHOLE GUY
            Let's all feel her up onstage!


                                   They DO.


                                   ASSHOLE GUY
            Now let's have sex with her offstage!


                                   They DO.


                                   ASSHOLE GUY
            Now I want to have even MORE sex.


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            Let's invite NEW AND POINTLESS CHARACTER over!


                                   BLONDE GIRL
                          (enters)
            Hi!
                          (flashes breasts)
            Bye!
                          (leaves)


                                   PARKER POSEY
                          (entering)
            Ethan Hawke, we MAY OR MAY NOT be breaking up or something!
                          (leaves in a teary huff)


                                   OLD GUY FROM PRINCESS BRIDE
            I'm angry at you because you think Asshole guy is a better
            friend!
                          (leaves in a huff)


                                   GUY WITH MUSTACHE
            WHY DID WE SPEND THE FIRST TEN MINUTES ESTABLISHING THAT I
            MAY BE GAY WHEN IT'S SINCE BEEN PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT I'M
            NOT GAY?!?
                          (leaves in a sexually ambiguous
                           huff)


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            Well damn.  Everyone has left me.  I am sad.


                                   FEMALE NYU STUDENT
            That's okay.  I'm pointlessly here to sympathize with you. 
            By the way, did you want to fuck me before I go to sleep?


                                   ETHAN HAWKE
            No, there there, sleep you young child you.


                                   She does.  He has chosen not to have
                                   sex with her this time and has now
                                   REDEEMED HIMSELF!


                                   Clock ticks 11 PM.


                                   AUDIENCE
            I suppose this was a nice three-hour drug induced haze...
            Although I could have done it through... You know... DRUGS.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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