LA BIRDCAGE AUX FOLLES:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: NEDERLANDER OFFICE, UNDER THE DIRECTION OF JAMES M.
NEDERLANDER AND JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
Enter HARVEY FIERSTEIN, recent star of
HAIRSPRAY and playwright of such works
as TORCH SONG TRILOGY.
JAMES M. NEDERLANDER
Harvey! It's good to see you. Right, James?
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
Yes, it's good to see you, Harvey.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
(in a raspy voice through a way
that can't be really made fun
of in a print medium)
It's good to see you too, Mister Nederlanders. No... I think
that's Misters Nederlander .
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
So you must know why we called you here.
JAMES M. NEDERLANDER
Yes, you must know why we called you here.
RASPY FIERSTEIN
Oh no! I'm not going back into Hairspray again.
Clearchannel can't make me--
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
No, no, we're not saying that, are we James?
JAMES M. NEDERLANDER
No James, we're not saying that--
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
--we're not saying that at all. We realized, since you're
such a huge name on Broadway nowadays, we wanted to take your
show, "La Cage Aux Follies", and--
HARVEY RASPYSTEIN
That's "Folles". It's French. It's totally different;
"Follies" was a show in the 70s written by James Goldman and
Stephen So--
JAMES M. NEDERLANDER
Sure, whatever. Anyway, we understand you wrote it, don't we
James?
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
Yes, we understand that you wrote it.
JAMES O. NEDERLANDER
Right, we understand it was written by you.
HARVEY "HAS A VERY
RASPY VOICE" FIERSTEIN
(indicating JAMES O.)
Um... Who's that?
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
That's James O. He's the troubled James Nederlander of the
family.
(to JAMES O. NEDERLANDER)
Shoo, you! Shoo!
(He shoos.)
Anyway, so we want to do a revival of your classic hit. What
do you say?
RASPY RASPERTEIN
A revival of La Cage? That would be phenomenal! Why, in
this age of "Will and Grace" and "Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy", I could make all the changes to the script that I've
always wanted! I could undo the toning down of the
homosexuality, and I could make the gay relationships more
explicit and realistic, rather than a bastardization made
family friendly for the sheer--
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
Nope. We want to appeal to the blue-haired woman from the
red states.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Damn.
JAMES M. NEDERLANDER
And we want you to star in it.
RASPY RASPY RASP RASP RASP
Star in something I wrote? Oh no. I'm not pulling a Nathan
Lane. And I'm *not* letting you revive this show just so you
can appeal to the audiences that liked the gay characters
from "The Producers".
JAMES L. NEDERLANDER
Gay characters from the Producers, did you say? James, get
the phone.
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Oh, me and my big rasp.
SCENE: THE MARQUIS THEATRE, INSIDE THE MARRIOT MARQUIS HOTEL
MARRIOT MARQUIS GUESTS
Why the hell are "La Cage" ticketholders walking aimlessly
around my hotel room floor?
EVERY AUDIENCE MEMBER
Seriously, if they're going to put a major Broadway theatre
on the second floor of a hotel, how frickin' hard could it be
to put clearly-labeled signs up so we can find the theatre
easily?
JAMES O. NEDERLANDER
This is what happens when you put the *troubled* Nederlander
in charge of drawing arrows! Wheee!!!!
J.O. runs off to see what he can do to
make the bathrooms difficult to locate.
SCENE: INSIDE THE THEATRE
Onstage are what seems to be a bunch of
women with well-toned bodies, doing a
striptease.
CHORUS
(singing the Opening Number)
WE,
ARE WHAT WE ARE,
AND WHAT WE ARE,
IS AN ILLUSION..
The lights come up, and audience
realizes that they are actually men
dressed in drag.
STRAIGHT MALES IN AUDIENCE
(a bit put off)
Whoa, I just found my own thoughts and beliefs questioned in
the moment where I realized I found a bunch of males
attractive! I wonder if this show will continue to make me
question my beliefs, values and morals!
It WON'T.
SCENE: SOME GAY APARTMENT.
Daniel Davis, the butler from "The
Nanny", is onstage.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
(delivered very flatly, as
he'll do the entire show)
Come out, Gary Beach! We're starting a play set in France
that seems barely French except for pronunciation of a few
key words! That said, the audience of our club, "La Cage",
is waiting for you!
GARY BEACH
No, I won't! Let my public go without me!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Why won't you come out onstage? Is it because you're playing
a Diva, who likes to keep his/her audience always waiting?
GARY BEACH
No, it's because I'm afraid that when I step onstage, they're
going to realize that I'm playing the part of Albin exactly
the way I played Roger Debris in "The Producers"!
Enter BLACK CROSSDRESSING MAID.
BLACK CROSSDRESSING MAID
You better get out there and face the facts, Gary!
(aside to audience)
I'm the black cross-dressing maid. I'm a hilarious, well
acted character, and horribly under-used.
(to Gary)
You hear me? You face the facts.
(to audience)
See you in a half an hour, during which you'll be met with
various characters who are acted more woodenly!
He exits; depression falls.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Come on, Gary. Go out on the stage of La Cage and sing!
GARY BEACH
Oh, all right. I'll do it.
(sings)
I'LL DO IT!
SABU, CHAMPAGNE!
IF AT THE END, YOU, WANT THEM TO CHEER
KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT G--
DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
Gary! I told you, differentiate the part from "Roger Debris"
in at least *some* way.
GARY BEACH
Nope.
DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
Oh. Well, that's the most I'm trying. I'm going to handle
your mis-acting in "La Cage" the same way I handled Kerry
Butler's as Audrey in "Little Shop": I'm not.
(pause)
I think I forgot how to direct acting.
GARY BEACH
So, I have to go out onstage. But first, I'll sing a song
about me putting on Mascara to look my best before I get onto
the stage itself! This song will establish that men in this
play put on makeup! Of course, it doesn't need to be
established because we already had the opening number that
establishes that men in this play put on dresses!
He sings for the entire amount of time
it takes for him to put on full makeup
(which is frickin' forever when you
have to sit through a song of it) and
then goes onto the stage of the club.
Enter Gavin Creel.
GAVIN CREEL
Oh, Papa, Papa, there's this girl...
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Did you say Papa?
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
(explaining)
Yes, it's a Fiddler on the Roof "homage".
GAVIN CREEL
Speaking of Fiddler, there's this girl I've been dating Papa,
and I want to marry her! And, you've never met her before
*ever*!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Ah. Ever, eh? How convenient.
GAVIN CREEL
But here's the thing: her Father's a politician with
traditional values.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
You want to marry a girl whose father is traditional
conservative? No, THIS IS NOT MY SON!
GAVIN CREEL
But Papa,
(sings)
HOW CAN I HELP TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND
HOW I DO, WHAT I DO,
WHY I MUST TRAVEL TO A DISTANT LAND...
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Um... Again, you're singing a song from Fiddler on the Roof.
GAVIN CREEL
Yeah, but the real song I sing here is pretty much the same
content-wise.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Ah. Well put.
Gavin Creel continues singing as he
dances, albeit stiff, wooden, and
devoid of rythm.
"THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE"
Whoa whoa whoa... Gavin, you used be able to dance when you
were starring in me. What happened?
Gavin finishes the song.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Allright, you sang a song, and according to cliche musical
theatre rules, that means I have to agree with you.
GAVIN CREEL
Well, here's the other part: she and both of her parents are
coming over for dinner. TONIGHT!
(dead silence)
I said.... TONIGHT!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Yeah... I kinda saw that coming.
GAVIN CREEL
So we need to make this place look less gay. And we need to
have Gary Beach not be here for dinner, and we need to get my
mother to show up! And then HILARITY MUST ENSUE!
(winks)
GUY FROM THE NANNY
I suppose I'm going to have to BREAK IT TO GARY BEACH THAT HE
CAN'T BE THERE.
SCENE: AN OUTDOOR BOARDWALK THAT LOOKS A BIT LIKE "DISNEY'S
CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE"
WOMAN WITH RED HAIR
(enters)
Hey Gary, something something something favors. And now I'll
leave, to be used heavily at the end of act two, and nobody
will even remember that I showed up in act one.
(leaves)
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Who was that?
GARY BEACH
Some character that will never be established fully until
it's too late. So, why have you brought me to what seems
like Disney's greatest failure at theme parks?
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Gary, our son is going to marry a girl whose father is a
traditional conservative politician, and he loves her very
much.
GARY BEACH
He wants to marry a girl whose father is traditional
conservative? No, THIS IS NOT MY SON!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Well you... wait a minute! Gavin and I just went through
this scene.
(sighs)
Ah, well... when in Anatevka.
(sings)
DO YOU LOVE ME?
GARY BEACH
DO I WHAT?
GUY FROM THE NANNY
DO YOU...
Oh god, this is painful.
(finishes song)
GARY BEACH
And of course, being that we're family-friendly gays, we
can't show affection. Instead we just have to point out over
and over again that we love each other until it's pouring out
of the audience's ears.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Yes. Anyway, the thing is, not only are her parents coming
for dinner, but you're not allowed to be at the dinn--
GARY BEACH
No, don't tell me everything now! There's at least 20
minutes left in this act; you have to leave some dramatic
tension!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Oh, all right.
Gary Beach leaves.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
I'm going to have to BREAK IT TO GARY BEACH THAT HE CAN'T BE
THERE.
SCENE: BACKSTAGE OF THE "LA CAGE" CLUB.
GARY BEACH
Okay, I'm about to go on!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Okay.
Gary Beach goes on.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
I'm going to have to BREAK IT TO GARY BEACH THAT HE CAN'T BE
THERE.
SCENE: THE STAGE OF THE "LA CAGE" CLUB.
A giant dance number ensues, titled "La
Cage aux Folles". Being the title
song, it introduces the audience to the
club, which they've already seen at
least two musical numbers from.
Being the title song, it also should
have gone not randomly in the middleof
the play, but more towards the
beginning of the play.
Kinda like the way titles do.
SCENE: BACKSTAGE OF THE "LA CAGE" CLUB
GARY BEACH
I'm about to go on for the next piece!
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Okay.
Gary Beach goes on.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
I'm going to have to BREAK IT TO GARY BEACH THAT HE CAN'T BE
THERE. STILL.
SCENE: THE STAGE OF THE "LA CAGE" CLUB.
More dancing goes on. The choreography
continues its way towards "filler",
consisting of a number that seems
ripped off from "Cirque Du Soleil" as
if to finally point out, "look, this
takes place in France!" It eventually
degenerates into a bad can-can. At the
end, Gary Beach takes off his wig to
show he's a man.
SCENE: BACKSTAGE OF THE "LA CAGE" CLUB
GARY BEACH
I'm about to go on for the next piece.
He gets behind a dressing screen and
changes costume.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
I'm still going to have to BREAK IT TO GARY BEACH THAT HE
CAN'T... Oh, I guess I might as well do it now.
(to Gary Beach)
You can't come to the dinner with Gavin Creel's fiancee's
parents, because you're too gay.
Though this would break his heart, Gary
Beach doesn't bother responding to this
with a look, a sound, or anything.
thereby totally missing out on some
posssible comedy and/or drama. Instead
he holds off on a reaction for a good
five or six minutes until he can do it
via song.
GARY BEACH
(singing)
I AM GAY AND I AM PROUD OF IT!
At this generally-well-performed-but
not-really-all-that-"climactic" moment,
the curtain goes down.
SCENE: INTERMISSION
MAJORITY OF AUDIENCE
Yeah... so all I knew about this before it began was that
"The Birdcage" was sorta based on it... and so far, plotwise,
we've hit like 20 minutes of the movie max.
STRAIGHT GUYS IN AUDIENCE
...at least SOME of the chorus "boys" must actually be
girls... RIGHT?
Curtain rises.
SCENE: THE OUTDOOR BOARDWALK
GUY FROM THE NANNY
The thing is, he wants to have two regular normal parents
there for her parents to meet. Just for one night.
GARY BEACH
Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that. So at one point,
you had a wife?
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Oh, no, I just had sex with a woman once. It was well after
I realized I was gay... I just wanted to know what it's like.
GARY BEACH
Wait a minute... that sounds fishy. Almost like some sort of
absurd "all gay people are really straight underneath"
subtext or something.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Shh. Just let it go. So, you can come to the dinner, but
you have to pretend to be Gavin's uncle instead. For this to
happen, I need to teach you how to act like a man. Now,
walk, and do it the way a man would!
Just as the libretto dictates, Gary
Beach walks very daintily.
Of course this is very weird and
inorganic, as Gary Beach has been
really playing the part less "dainty"
and more "butch". More "Roger DeBris"
and less "Carmen Ghia".
GUY FROM THE NANNY
We're going to have to get you to be more masculine!
He sings a two minute song about this,
during which random passersby awkwardly
join in.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
There. Now you're masculine, and it only took like a minute.
"THE MONTAGE"
You know, in a "we have to teach somebody something"
situations, most musicals use me...
GUY FROM THE NANNY
We had a song that actually moved the plot. Let us be
content with that.
SCENE: GAY APARTMENT.
Gary Beach is sitting on the side
corner of the stage, staring at the
audience the entire scene.
GAVIN CREEL
All is going according to plan, Papa.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
You know Gavin, Gary's brought up and raised you, and he
really loves you. What you're doing is unfair to him.
He sings a song about this unfairness
to Gary, as if Gary isn't there.
GARY BEACH
So... So he's singing about me, and I don't know why I'm
sitting here as if I can't hear it or something. This is
actually kinda awkward.
The Guy from the Nanny keeps singing,
and Gavin walks offstage as the final
verse starts.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Um... why am I still singing to Gavin even though he's
offstage? Why am I singing as if Gary's not here even though
he's the one who *is* onstage?
DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
I think I forgot how to stage things.
Enter Gavin's Fiancee and her family.
ULTRA-CONSERVATE FATHER
I'm the ultra-conservative father. The musical is over
2/3rds over, and I just decided to show up in the play. This
is in leiu of giving me an introduction or perhaps a scene in
act one so the audience can meet me before the characters do.
So we're going to have to do some characterization real fast.
(says many bigotist, one
dimensional things)
See? I'm a jerk! Root for me to go down!
Enter Gary Beach, dressed like a woman.
GARY BEACH
(rushed)
Hey Gavin your mother couldn't make it so I'm going to
pretend to be your mother oh I think we're having chicken
where's the butler who is supposed to make it let's all sing
a song while we sip cocktails.
DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
I think I forgot how to comedically time.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Everybody, let's sit down for dinner and wait for the chicken
to get served.
BLACK CROSSDRESSING MAID
Whoa, I'm back in the play again, just to say I burned the
chicken that we were supposed to have for dinner!
GARY BEACH
That's okay. This set doesn't seem to have a dinner table
anyway, so it's pretty obvious the dinner scene wasn't going
to take place here. Let's go to REALLY POPULAR CROWDED
RESTAURANT.
SCENE: REALLY POPULAR CROWDED RESTAURANT
The restaurant set consists of two or
three small tables in the back, and one
orphan table in the middle of the
stage.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
Odd how this crowded restaurant has the effect of there being
barely any seating.
They all sit at the table.
WOMAN WITH RED HAIR
Hey Gary Beach, remember me from the first act, where it
wasn't made clear that I should be remembered for later plot
use?
GARY BEACH
Nope.
WOMAN WITH RED HAIR
Yeah, figured. Anyway, I have some weird obsession with
FAVORS of some sort. So now that I did a FAVOR for you by
getting you these seats, I want you to do a FAVOR for me and
sing for the restaurant patrons.
He does and the rest of the patrons
join in, again awkwardly.
Finally, ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE FATHER
joins in, and everybody onstage begins
doing some weird clapping choreography
where they just clap left and right for
three minutes.
Gary Beach gets so into it that, at the
end, he takes off his wig to show he's
a man just as he would onstage.
GARY BEACH
Oh no!
Suddenly, a whole bunch of "La Cage"
crossdressing-dancers come onstage and
dance.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
How clever! They were inside the "La Cage" club the entire
time, and Gary Beach fooled them all! Or else, why would the
dancers show up in the restaurant?
DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
No, it really *is* the restaurant... you see, the dancers are
supposed to be a representation of what's in Gary Beach's
mind.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Oh... Well, that's not clear at all.
DIRECTOR JERRY ZAKS
Yeah...
(sighs)
I think I forgot how to imagine.
SCENE: GAY APARTMENT.
ULTRA-CONSERVATE FATHER
This is all horrible! Terrible!
WOMAN WITH RED HAIR
Hey everybody, under-explained side-character here, just to
let you know that I called the press, and they want to take
pictures of Ultra-Conservative Father with Gary Beach.
They're waiting outside!
ULTRA-CONSERVATE FATHER
Oh no, what will we do?
GARY BEACH
I have an idea...
SCENE: THE STAGE OF THE "LA CAGE" CLUB.
A dance number goes on for a good
twenty minutes.
Finally, the conservative family comes
on dressed in drag.
ULTRA-CONSERVATE FATHER
Wouldn't it have been funnier if we came on dressed in drag
just as soon as Gary Beach had the idea?
A bunch of people run from one side of
the stage to the next.
GARY BEACH
(to audience)
It was too quick to tell, but those were *photographers*.
GUY FROM THE NANNY
So, the show's over. The evil politician got his end and had
to crossdress. Now, audience, you get to choose your own
ending!
ENDING FOR PEOPLE IN BLUE STATES:
Even though the Evil Politician got his
end and had to crossdress, the real
evil politicians will be in office
until 2008.
Hilarity ensues.
ENDING FOR PEOPLE IN RED STATES:
Ha ha, at the end, they had to
crossdress. And what have we learned
today? We've learned that gay people
are exactly like straight people... You
know, totally toned down, and they
never kiss.
ENDING FOR PEOPLE WHO READ PAGE THIRTY OF THE PLAYBILL:
PEOPLE WHO READ PAGE THIRTY
OF THE PLAYBILL
Time is "summer"? Does this take place now or then? Isn't
there a difference between what this means now and what this
meant the first time it was on Broadway? Doesn't this show
have a bit of a different connotation in today's modern
world? Couldn't this revival have been less ambivalent about
gay issues and more *relevant*?
ENDING FOR LIBRETTO-WRITER HARVEY FIERSTEIN:
HARVEY FIERSTEIN
The hell with all of you. They're letting me play Tevye in
Fiddler!
BLACKOUT.
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