LEGALLY BASED ON A MOVIE
A "Legally Blonde" Broadway Abridged Script
By Gil Varod
We open with a blank, black stage with
a big, stuffy, British chair. The kind
you'd sit in if you were going to smoke
a pipe.
Enter some English guy.
FRAMING DEVICE
Hello there, and welcome to another edition of MASTERPIECE
THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE, where we look at any sort of
piece of THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE, and how it was made out
of a movie. Tonight's THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE is
"Legally Blonde", the classic film of a girl who...
(trails off, pauses, nods)
I'm being told by my producer that I can't in good faith call
it a "classic" because the film's not even six years old.
(to off-screen)
...can I call it a classic because the producers paid me to?
(pause)
I'm again being told I can't.
(off-screen)
Well then can I call it "the 194th part in a 8,361 part
series of movies that have had the words THE MUSICAL
painfully appended to its title?"
(pause, nods, smiles)
Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight: Legally Blonde: THE MUSICAL.
And this... is MASTERPIECE THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE!
Cue RONDEAU from "Symphonies and
Fanfares for the King's Supper" as the
opening credi...
Oh who am I kidding. The closest I've
ever even come to seeing MASTERPIECE
THEATRE was some Sesame Street parody.
SCENE: THE PALACE. AS IN, "I DREAM OF PLAYING..."
Open up on lots of sorority singers
singing out the front of a giant
sorority house in California.
SORORITY SISTERS
GOOD MORNING DELTA NU,
EVERY DAY DA DA DA DOO DOO
EVERY NIGHT IS A FANTASY
EVERY SOUND'S LIKE A SYMPHONY.
They sing the words "Oh my god you
guys" a good twenty times, supposedly
making fun of the way valley girls
talk.
In actuality, it is just as PAINFUL as
having to hear REAL valley girls talk.
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
AND HERE SHE IS,
THE STAR OF THE SHOW...
REESE WITHERSPOON!
Silence.
DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
(entering)
Um... Actually we didn't get Reese to play herself in the
musical. We're going to have to find somebody with enough
talent and humility to fill her shoes.
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
No matter.
HERE SHE IS...
KRISTEN CHENOWETH!
Silence.
DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
No... she chose Young Frankenstein instead.
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
Oh. Well--
DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
And then dropped that for a sitcom pilot that will probably
never make it, but will pay MUCH better!
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
So crap, who's playing Reese Witherspoon?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
(enters)
It's me!
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
...
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
You know, one of Kristen Chenoweth's replacements in Wicked!
(winks)
Little girls, when you grow up, just play a role in Wicked
(because it'll still be around) and you're GUARANTEED to land
a starring role in a brand new Broadway show!
A PERFORMANCE OF "THE PIRATE QUEEN" AT THE HILTON THEATRE/
FORD CENTER/WHICHEVER COMPANY BOUGHT THIS YEAR'S NAMING
RIGHTS.
STEPHANIE J. BLOCK
Sure, but nobody said being in Wicked assures you a lead in a
DECENT Broadway Musical.
(goes back to do
more Riverdancing,
cries a little inside)
MEL BROOKS AND SUSAN STROMAN
(are vultures)
SCENE: YET ANOTHER DAMNED "WILL RICHARD BLAKE PROPOSE?" SCENE
(YADWRBPS).
RICHARD BLAKE
Listen Blonde Bell Bundy, I need you and I to GET SERIOUS.
(sings)
I NEED TO GET SERIOUS
I NEED TO GET SERIOUS
I NEED TO GET SERIOUS
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Yes Richard Blake! Propose to me, just like you did to Laura
Benanti in THE WEDDING SINGER: THE MUSICAL!
RICHARD BLAKE
Actually, when I say GET SERIOUS, you're going to have to GO
OUT ON A LIMB and believe that I really mean that we need to
GET SERIOUS and THINK ABOUT BREAKING UP OUR RELATIONSHIP--
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
OOO AAAAH OOOO AHHH
RICHARD BLAKE
?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
UUUUUUUUUU
RICHARD BLAKE
What are you doing?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
I'm singing under you.
RICHARD BLAKE
But nobody can hear me breaking up with you.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
So?
RICHARD BLAKE
So don't you think that's kinda important, being the entire
premise of this musical is based on it?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Nah, everyone saw the movie.
(pause)
YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME? YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, RICHARD
BLAKE!
(leaves)
RICHARD BLAKE
Why have I become the go-to ASSHOLE of the Broadway Musical?
SCENE: SORORITY HOUSE.
A Chihuahua enters on stage. The
audience coos and aaahs like they've
never seen a frickin' dog before.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
I've made a decision: I'm going to Harvard.
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
Why?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Because then Richard Blake will see how smart I am!
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
Why?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Because apparently I have no self respect. Aren't I a great
role model for young girls?
Enter a fourth sorority sister out of
nowhere just for this scene, but with
GLASSES so you know she's the SMART
ONE!
SMART SORORITY SISTER
So Richard Blake already knows he's been ACCEPTED to Harvard.
And yet somehow, you still have time to NOT ONLY begin an
application and make the deadline, but ALSO study for and
take the LSATs and have them sent to Harvard in time.
THE SEVERELY UNDERUSED
LESLIE KRITZER
(in a way that's hysterical yet
can't be explained)
Shh.
SMART SORORITY SISTER
Fine. If you're going to go to Harvard you have to score a
175!
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Studying for your LSATs are so much more fun when you do it
VIA DANCE!
Yes. For real.
This is what's known in a musical as
"trying too hard".
SCENE: HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.
Enter main Harvard admissions guy and
two other Harvard guys.
MAIN HARVARD GUY
Well, she got a 175 on her LSATS, but I don't think she fits
what Harvard's looking for because something something
something insert yet another joke about the color pink here.
OTHER TWO HARVARD GUYS
We both think she's beautiful, and therefore should be
admitted!
MAIN HARVARD GUY
What?
OTHER TWO HARVARD GUYS
Well presumably, we think that if we admit her, we will be
allowed to fuck her.
MAIN HARVARD GUY
Um... That's...
Apparently I shouldn't have hired either of you.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
(entering with a whole god
damned marching band)
Well I guess it's a good thing that I knew exactly when and
where THE MOST SECRETIVE COLLEGE BOARD IN AMERICA was meeting
to DISCUSS MY APPLICATION so I could further influence you by
doing a LINE DANCE!
She does.
In the middle of the Harvard Admissions
Office. Complete with those people who
throw flags in the air and a drumcore.
You couldn't possibly make this stuff
up.
MAIN HARVARD GUY
You're admitted.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Really?!?!?!
MAIN HARVARD GUY
Yes. After seeing you dance, I apparently am also somehow
convinced that you will let me fuck you.
SCENE: CLASSROOM
Enter CHRISTIAN BORLE.
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Hey everybody. I'm not Luke Wilson, and thank heaven because
I'm a more masterful actor. You see, I understand comedy,
drama, and subtext much better than he does. For this
reason, my name will from now on be displayed as follows in
this script:
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
Awesome.
Enter a PROFESSOR doing an impression
of WILLIAM DANIELS.
(You know... John Adams... KITT from
Nightrider...)
(Mr. Feeney?)
NASAL PROFESSOR
Everybody take your seats and welcome to Harvard. I am your
ONLY professor this year.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Wait, what happened to that woman professor character from
the movie?
NASAL PROFESSOR
The complexity of more than one professor is too much for
this bubble-gum-musical to handle.
But since you were so nosey about asking, let me ask you miss
Bundy; recite the prepared reading from memory.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Even though I've been haphazardly established as a genius, I
was too dumb to do the reading for my first class at HARVARD
LAW.
NASAL PROFESSOR
Then maybe I should throw you out, GIRL IN PINK. Who would
be a good person to ask? You, GIRL WHO WOULD NEVER DRESS IN
PINK.
SELMA BLAIR RINGER
Throw her out. She is my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend once
removed, which immediately means I'll be a bitch to her
EVEN IF I'm the sort of character who would be redeemed at
the end.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
(upset)
Oh no, what should I do?
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
(entering on a "Greek Chorus"
pun I admittedly didn't get
until the subway ride home)
You need to relax and go to a hair salon!
A whole bunch of really poor jokes are
made about fashion and the like.
Some audience members actually laugh at
these.
(Unfortunately none of them are shot.)
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Wait, why are you here? At Harvard?
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
We're not, we're still at USC even though we theoretically
would have graduated alongside you.
But since the strength of our side characters SUFFERED in the
movie by only appearing in the beginning and end, in this
musical we appear to guide you when needed!
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Oh my god... Oh my god... Oh my god you guys!
THE THREE MAIN
SORORITY SISTERS
What?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
We're actually FIXING the movie this was based on...
We're the MUSICAL version of a MOVIE and we're FIXING our
SOURCE MATERIAL!
PIGS
(soaring over heavens)
Wheee!
SCENE: HAIR SALON
Blondey is getting her hair done.
HAIR SALON WOMAN
Oh how my life is awful. My ex-boyfriend stole my dog.
Also, something something something I'm randomly into Irish
shit.
AUDIENCE
We didn't care in the movie, and we only care slightly more
here.
HAIR SALON WOMAN
Yeah? Well I was in the movie musical versions of Saturday
Night Fever and Footloose too!
AUDIENCE
Well then. Sympathy earned.
SCENE: BLONDEY'S ROOM.
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
(enters her dorm room)
When I was a student, I always had to skip parties and
vacations because studying and career TAKE UP ALL OF MY FREE
TIME.
I want to impart this college strategy to you if you want to
not fail.
I may be wrong though, as it seems you randomly are or aren't
an absolute genius at any given time.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Great, so we can study together.
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
No I'm just going to help *you* study. I don't actually need
to study, I graduated from Harvard years ago.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
You're not a student? Then why does it seem like you're
always hanging around campus?
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
I guess I have LOTS OF FREE TIME.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Um...
SCENE: LAW OFFICE
NASAL PROFESSOR
Out of a very tough pool, I've chosen you four people to be
my interns this summer. One-dimensional barely-developed
archetypes, answer as I call you: asshole ex-boyfriend...
RICHARD BLAKE
Here!
NASAL PROFESSOR
His new girlfriend...
SELMA BLAIR RINGER
Here!
NASAL PROFESSOR
Stereotypical lesbian...
STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN
I find women attractive instead of men!
NASAL PROFESSOR
And Blondey.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
I like Red Bull, Jet Blue, Match.com, the Olive Garden,
Matrix Vavoom Haircare, and anything else the producers have
whored themselves out to!
NASAL PROFESSOR
That's nice.
(to all)
We're going to meet our client: An Aerobics Instructor who is
being accused of murder!
We watch a "video" of "her
instructional DVD", which is just an
excuse to watch 20 people do a
synchronized dance with jumpropes.
DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
Why DEVELOP character... when we can just as easily watch
people DANCE!
NASAL PROFESSOR
The aerobics instructor won't tell us where she was during
the time the murder took place.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Let me try: She's from the same Sorority as me! Isn't that
incredibly convenient!
Broad convenience? In a cheesy movie
turned musical? You're kidding!
(Really though, you're not.)
SCENE: JAIL
AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
(to Blondey)
I was getting liposuction done.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Wow that was easy.
AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
Wait, you can't tell them!
I'd rather be executed than admit I do liposuction!
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Idiot.
SCENE: DEPARTMENT STORE.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Christian, since our relationship is already sketchy--
you're an alumnus who still hangs around college, often in my
bedroom, without the balls to even ask me out to dinner
--let's make it even stranger. I'm going to take you out to
buy a nice suit, and that's going to STRENGTHEN our
relationship in a way that WASN'T DONE IN THE MOVIE!
HELL
(shivering)
Wow. Look at that... I'm kinda chilly.
MONKEYS
Look at us! We're flying out of your butt!
What were we doing inside of there anyway?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
You go smack into the MIDDLE OF THE STAGE and CHANGE in and
out of the suit, and I'll pay for it because you're POOR and
I'm RICH. Me paying makes up for the fact that I'm
incredibly spoiled!
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
It really doesn't, you privileged bitch.
SCENE: SALON.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Salon woman, you need to learn how to attract the UPS[TM]
Man.
(to audience, muggingly)
Also, shop at Tiffany's[TM], work out at Crunch[R], and pay
for it all with your VISA(C)!
(to Salon Woman)
I suppose I COULD tell you to attract the guy by not wearing
your HAIR so FUGLY.
(smiles at yet another
wonderfully dated piece of 90s
slang)
But you're a hair stylist so obviously there's a curious
disconnect. Instead I'm going to show you how to BEND down
and SNAP back up!
The stupid BEND AND SNAP scene from the
movie is done, but it doesn't turn into
a musical number like you assumed it
would.
Just shitting you. It's a fricking
huge musical number.
STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN
Watching other girls doing this turns me ON! And yet I'm a
FEMALE! Isn't that HYSTERICAL?
LESBIANS IN AUDIENCE
(probably don't really attend
theatre; have no reaction)
SCENE: LAW OFFICE.
NASAL PROFESSOR
Blondey, do you want to get ahead in life?
He forces a kiss on her.
Richard Blake and Selma Blair Ringer
see this and mistake it for her
sleeping her way to the top.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
(slapping him)
No way! I'm leaving!
RICHARD BLAKE
(responding to the kiss)
!
SELMA BLAIR RINGER
(to Blondey, going from
SYMPATHY to CATTINESS)
You almost had me fooled. Maybe you should sleep with the
jury, too. Then we can win the case.
BOOKWRITER HEATHER HACH
(entering)
I said don't do this scene like the movie! Do it the way I
wrote it!
SELMA BLAIR RINGER
Fine.
A rewind. We see Blondey and Professor
kiss again.
RICHARD BLAKE
!
SELMA BLAIR RINGER
(for some reason sympathetic or
something?)
Shut up, Richard Blake!
Audience is absolutely baffled as to
what happened and who thinks what.
PIGS
(flapping hoofs violently)
Hey, why am I falling now?
SCENE: COURTROOM
Blonde Bell Bundy is cross-examining.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
Daughter of the guy who got killed, where were you when he
got killed?
DAUGHTER OF THE GUY
WHO GOT KILLED
I was in the shower, after having gotten a perm.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE I KNOW LOTS ABOUT PERMS!
She uses her idiotic knowledge about
perms to prove her client isn't the
murderer.
JUDGE
That's fine and all, but it still doesn't explain anything
about the white clothes we found.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
She couldn't have been wearing them; you can't WEAR white
after Labor day! And the BLACK shoes don't match the
stockings; that would be CLASHING BLACKS!
Courtroom murmurs!
PROSECUTOR
That still doesn't disprove the blood on the doorsteps and
the blue eyeshadow!
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
The blood on the doorstep was actually red Chanu nail polish
#6, and she COULDN'T have been wearing blue eyeshadow because
BLUE EYESHADOW would only fit her skintype if she was GOING
OUT AT NIGHT!
Courtroom explodes. She has SOLVED THE
CASE!
And Audience smiles contentedly,
knowing that their young girls are
being shaped and molded into absolute
idiots.
SCENE: GRADUATION, YEARS LATER.
SELMA BLAIR RINGER
And so, unfortunately hewing close to the stupid ending in
the stupid screenplay, I didn't get Valedictorian, and
neither did anybody else.
No, Blondey became Valedictorian, through three whole years
of getting through law school by knowing stupid crap about
hair and fashion.
We won't make you sit through that, or even any of her
graduation speech except the very, very end.
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
And so, Congratulations, Harvard graduating class! And one
last thing:
(bends down on one knee)
Christian Borle, will you marry me?
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
BECAUSE I'M POOR?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
What?
AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
You need to propose to ME because I'm POOR, is that it? Is
that what you're getting at?
LAURA BELL BLONDEY
I just though that you couldn't afford--
CHRISTIAN BORLE
Then everybody will know I'm POOR. Thanks a lot, you
privileged bitch.
And so, the audience goes home learning
that it's okay for girls to propose to
guys.
But ONLY if the guy is poorer. Poor
girls aren't allowed to propose.
Ha ha!
FADE TO:
SCENE: A PUPPET IN AN ENGLISH SMOKING JACKET AND ASCOT.
ALISTAIR COOKIE
(really just Cookie Monster
trying his best to look like
Alistair Cooke)
So end Legally Blonde. Popular movie about it be legal to be
blonde. Me digress. There you have it. This Alistar
Cookie, saying goodnight for Monsterpiece Theater.
Alistair Cookie eats his pipe, and then
the screen.
BLACKOUT.
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