Legally Blonde: Abridged

                              LEGALLY BASED ON A MOVIE
                     A "Legally Blonde" Broadway Abridged Script
                                                            By Gil Varod


                                   We open with a blank, black stage with
                                   a big, stuffy, British chair.  The kind
                                   you'd sit in if you were going to smoke
                                   a pipe.


                                   Enter some English guy.


                                   FRAMING DEVICE
            Hello there, and welcome to another edition of MASTERPIECE
            THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE, where we look at any sort of
            piece of THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE, and how it was made out
            of a movie.  Tonight's THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE is
            "Legally Blonde", the classic film of a girl who...
                          (trails off, pauses, nods)
            I'm being told by my producer that I can't in good faith call
            it a "classic" because the film's not even six years old.
                          (to off-screen)
            ...can I call it a classic because the producers paid me to?
                          (pause)
            I'm again being told I can't.
                          (off-screen)
            Well then can I call it "the 194th part in a 8,361 part
            series of movies that have had the words THE MUSICAL
            painfully appended to its title?"
                          (pause, nods, smiles)
            Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight: Legally Blonde: THE MUSICAL. 
            And this... is MASTERPIECE THEATRE-MADE-OUT-OF-A-MOVIE!


                                   Cue RONDEAU from "Symphonies and
                                   Fanfares for the King's Supper" as the
                                   opening credi...


                                   Oh who am I kidding.  The closest I've
                                   ever even come to seeing MASTERPIECE
                                   THEATRE was some Sesame Street parody.






            SCENE: THE PALACE.  AS IN, "I DREAM OF PLAYING..."


                                   Open up on lots of sorority singers
                                   singing out the front of a giant
                                   sorority house in California.


                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            GOOD MORNING DELTA NU,
            EVERY DAY DA DA DA DOO DOO
            EVERY NIGHT IS A FANTASY
            EVERY SOUND'S LIKE A SYMPHONY.


                                   They sing the words "Oh my god you
                                   guys" a good twenty times, supposedly
                                   making fun of the way valley girls
                                   talk.  


                                   In actuality, it is just as PAINFUL as
                                   having to hear REAL valley girls talk.


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            AND HERE SHE IS,
            THE STAR OF THE SHOW...
            REESE WITHERSPOON!


                                   Silence.


                                   DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
                          (entering)
            Um... Actually we didn't get Reese to play herself in the
            musical.  We're going to have to find somebody with enough
            talent and humility to fill her shoes.


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            No matter.
            HERE SHE IS...
            KRISTEN CHENOWETH!


                                   Silence.


                                   DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
            No... she chose Young Frankenstein instead.


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            Oh.  Well--


                                   DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
            And then dropped that for a sitcom pilot that will probably
            never make it, but will pay MUCH better!


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            So crap, who's playing Reese Witherspoon?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
                          (enters)
            It's me!


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            ...


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            You know, one of Kristen Chenoweth's replacements in Wicked!
                          (winks)
            Little girls, when you grow up, just play a role in Wicked
            (because it'll still be around) and you're GUARANTEED to land
            a starring role in a brand new Broadway show!






            A PERFORMANCE OF "THE PIRATE QUEEN" AT THE HILTON THEATRE/
            FORD CENTER/WHICHEVER COMPANY BOUGHT THIS YEAR'S NAMING
            RIGHTS.


                                   STEPHANIE J. BLOCK
            Sure, but nobody said being in Wicked assures you a lead in a
            DECENT Broadway Musical.
                          (goes back to do 
                           more Riverdancing, 
                           cries a little inside)


                                   MEL BROOKS AND SUSAN STROMAN
                          (are vultures)






            SCENE: YET ANOTHER DAMNED "WILL RICHARD BLAKE PROPOSE?" SCENE
            (YADWRBPS).


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            Listen Blonde Bell Bundy, I need you and I to GET SERIOUS.
                          (sings)
            I NEED TO GET SERIOUS
            I NEED TO GET SERIOUS
            I NEED TO GET SERIOUS


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Yes Richard Blake!  Propose to me, just like you did to Laura
            Benanti in THE WEDDING SINGER: THE MUSICAL!


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            Actually, when I say GET SERIOUS, you're going to have to GO
            OUT ON A LIMB and believe that I really mean that we need to
            GET SERIOUS and THINK ABOUT BREAKING UP OUR RELATIONSHIP--


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            OOO AAAAH OOOO AHHH


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            ?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            UUUUUUUUUU


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            What are you doing?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            I'm singing under you.


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            But nobody can hear me breaking up with you.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            So?


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            So don't you think that's kinda important, being the entire
            premise of this musical is based on it?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Nah, everyone saw the movie.
                          (pause)
            YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?  YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, RICHARD
            BLAKE!
                          (leaves)


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            Why have I become the go-to ASSHOLE of the Broadway Musical?






            SCENE: SORORITY HOUSE.


                                   A Chihuahua enters on stage.  The
                                   audience coos and aaahs like they've
                                   never seen a frickin' dog before.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            I've made a decision: I'm going to Harvard.


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            Why?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Because then Richard Blake will see how smart I am!


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            Why?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Because apparently I have no self respect.  Aren't I a great
            role model for young girls?


                                   Enter a fourth sorority sister out of
                                   nowhere just for this scene, but with
                                   GLASSES so you know she's the SMART
                                   ONE!


                                   SMART SORORITY SISTER
            So Richard Blake already knows he's been ACCEPTED to Harvard. 
            And yet somehow, you still have time to NOT ONLY begin an
            application and make the deadline, but ALSO study for and
            take the LSATs and have them sent to Harvard in time.


                                   THE SEVERELY UNDERUSED
                                   LESLIE KRITZER
                          (in a way that's hysterical yet
                           can't be explained)
            Shh.


                                   SMART SORORITY SISTER
            Fine.  If you're going to go to Harvard you have to score a
            175!


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Studying for your LSATs are so much more fun when you do it
            VIA DANCE!


                                   Yes.  For real.


                                   This is what's known in a musical as
                                   "trying too hard".






            SCENE: HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.


                                   Enter main Harvard admissions guy and
                                   two other Harvard guys.


                                   MAIN HARVARD GUY
            Well, she got a 175 on her LSATS, but I don't think she fits
            what Harvard's looking for because something something
            something insert yet another joke about the color pink here.


                                   OTHER TWO HARVARD GUYS
            We both think she's beautiful, and therefore should be
            admitted!


                                   MAIN HARVARD GUY
            What?


                                   OTHER TWO HARVARD GUYS
            Well presumably, we think that if we admit her, we will be
            allowed to fuck her.


                                   MAIN HARVARD GUY
            Um... That's... 
            Apparently I shouldn't have hired either of you.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
                          (entering with a whole god
                           damned marching band)
            Well I guess it's a good thing that I knew exactly when and
            where THE MOST SECRETIVE COLLEGE BOARD IN AMERICA was meeting
            to DISCUSS MY APPLICATION so I could further influence you by
            doing a LINE DANCE!


                                   She does.  


                                   In the middle of the Harvard Admissions
                                   Office.  Complete with those people who
                                   throw flags in the air and a drumcore.  


                                   You couldn't possibly make this stuff
                                   up.


                                   MAIN HARVARD GUY
            You're admitted.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Really?!?!?!


                                   MAIN HARVARD GUY
            Yes.  After seeing you dance, I apparently am also somehow
            convinced that you will let me fuck you.  






            SCENE: CLASSROOM


                                   Enter CHRISTIAN BORLE.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Hey everybody.  I'm not Luke Wilson, and thank heaven because
            I'm a more masterful actor.  You see, I understand comedy,
            drama, and subtext much better than he does.  For this
            reason, my name will from now on be displayed as follows in
            this script:


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Awesome.


                                   Enter a PROFESSOR doing an impression
                                   of WILLIAM DANIELS.


                                   (You know... John Adams... KITT from
                                   Nightrider...)


                                   (Mr. Feeney?)


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            Everybody take your seats and welcome to Harvard.  I am your
            ONLY professor this year.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Wait, what happened to that woman professor character from
            the movie?


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            The complexity of more than one professor is too much for
            this bubble-gum-musical to handle.
            But since you were so nosey about asking, let me ask you miss
            Bundy; recite the prepared reading from memory.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Even though I've been haphazardly established as a genius, I
            was too dumb to do the reading for my first class at HARVARD
            LAW.


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            Then maybe I should throw you out, GIRL IN PINK.  Who would
            be a good person to ask?  You, GIRL WHO WOULD NEVER DRESS IN
            PINK.


                                   SELMA BLAIR RINGER
            Throw her out.  She is my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend once
            removed, which immediately means I'll be a bitch to her 
            EVEN IF I'm the sort of character who would be redeemed at
            the end.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
                          (upset)
            Oh no, what should I do?


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
                          (entering on a "Greek Chorus"
                           pun I admittedly didn't get
                           until the subway ride home)
            You need to relax and go to a hair salon!


                                   A whole bunch of really poor jokes are
                                   made about fashion and the like.  


                                   Some audience members actually laugh at
                                   these.  


                                   (Unfortunately none of them are shot.)


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Wait, why are you here?  At Harvard?


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            We're not, we're still at USC even though we theoretically
            would have graduated alongside you.  
            But since the strength of our side characters SUFFERED in the
            movie by only appearing in the beginning and end, in this
            musical we appear to guide you when needed!


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Oh my god... Oh my god... Oh my god you guys!


                                   THE THREE MAIN
                                   SORORITY SISTERS
            What?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            We're actually FIXING the movie this was based on... 
            We're the MUSICAL version of a MOVIE and we're FIXING our
            SOURCE MATERIAL!


                                   PIGS
                          (soaring over heavens)
            Wheee!






            SCENE: HAIR SALON


                                   Blondey is getting her hair done.


                                   HAIR SALON WOMAN
            Oh how my life is awful.  My ex-boyfriend stole my dog. 
            Also, something something something I'm randomly into Irish
            shit.


                                   AUDIENCE
            We didn't care in the movie, and we only care slightly more
            here.


                                   HAIR SALON WOMAN
            Yeah?  Well I was in the movie musical versions of Saturday
            Night Fever and Footloose too!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Well then.  Sympathy earned.






            SCENE: BLONDEY'S ROOM.


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
                          (enters her dorm room)
            When I was a student, I always had to skip parties and
            vacations because studying and career TAKE UP ALL OF MY FREE
            TIME.  
            I want to impart this college strategy to you if you want to
            not fail.
            I may be wrong though, as it seems you randomly are or aren't
            an absolute genius at any given time.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Great, so we can study together.


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
            No I'm just going to help *you* study.  I don't actually need
            to study, I graduated from Harvard years ago.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            You're not a student?  Then why does it seem like you're
            always hanging around campus?


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
            I guess I have LOTS OF FREE TIME.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Um...






            SCENE: LAW OFFICE


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            Out of a very tough pool, I've chosen you four people to be
            my interns this summer.  One-dimensional barely-developed
            archetypes, answer as I call you: asshole ex-boyfriend...


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            Here!


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            His new girlfriend...


                                   SELMA BLAIR RINGER
            Here!


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            Stereotypical lesbian...


                                   STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN
            I find women attractive instead of men!


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            And Blondey.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            I like Red Bull, Jet Blue, Match.com, the Olive Garden,
            Matrix Vavoom Haircare, and anything else the producers have
            whored themselves out to!


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            That's nice.
                          (to all)
            We're going to meet our client: An Aerobics Instructor who is
            being accused of murder!


                                   We watch a "video" of "her
                                   instructional DVD", which is just an
                                   excuse to watch 20 people do a
                                   synchronized dance with jumpropes.


                                   DIRECTOR JERRY MITCHELL
            Why DEVELOP character... when we can just as easily watch
            people DANCE!


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            The aerobics instructor won't tell us where she was during
            the time the murder took place.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Let me try: She's from the same Sorority as me!  Isn't that
            incredibly convenient!


                                   Broad convenience?  In a cheesy movie
                                   turned musical?  You're kidding!


                                   (Really though, you're not.)






            SCENE: JAIL


                                   AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
                          (to Blondey)
            I was getting liposuction done.  


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Wow that was easy.


                                   AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
            Wait, you can't tell them!  
            I'd rather be executed than admit I do liposuction!


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Idiot.






            SCENE: DEPARTMENT STORE.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Christian, since our relationship is already sketchy--
            you're an alumnus who still hangs around college, often in my
            bedroom, without the balls to even ask me out to dinner
            --let's make it even stranger.  I'm going to take you out to
            buy a nice suit, and that's going to STRENGTHEN our
            relationship in a way that WASN'T DONE IN THE MOVIE!


                                   HELL
                          (shivering)
            Wow.  Look at that... I'm kinda chilly.


                                   MONKEYS
            Look at us!  We're flying out of your butt!  
            What were we doing inside of there anyway?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            You go smack into the MIDDLE OF THE STAGE and CHANGE in and
            out of the suit, and I'll pay for it because you're POOR and
            I'm RICH.  Me paying makes up for the fact that I'm
            incredibly spoiled!


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
            It really doesn't, you privileged bitch.






            SCENE: SALON.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Salon woman, you need to learn how to attract the UPS[TM]
            Man.  
                          (to audience, muggingly)
            Also, shop at Tiffany's[TM], work out at Crunch[R], and pay
            for it all with your VISA(C)!
                          (to Salon Woman)
            I suppose I COULD tell you to attract the guy by not wearing
            your HAIR so FUGLY.  
                          (smiles at yet another
                           wonderfully dated piece of 90s
                           slang)
            But you're a hair stylist so obviously there's a curious
            disconnect.  Instead I'm going to show you how to BEND down
            and SNAP back up!


                                   The stupid BEND AND SNAP scene from the
                                   movie is done, but it doesn't turn into
                                   a musical number like you assumed it
                                   would.


                                   Just shitting you.  It's a fricking
                                   huge musical number.


                                   STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN
            Watching other girls doing this turns me ON!  And yet I'm a
            FEMALE!  Isn't that HYSTERICAL?


                                   LESBIANS IN AUDIENCE
                          (probably don't really attend
                           theatre; have no reaction)






            SCENE: LAW OFFICE.


                                   NASAL PROFESSOR
            Blondey, do you want to get ahead in life?


                                   He forces a kiss on her.


                                   Richard Blake and Selma Blair Ringer
                                   see this and mistake it for her
                                   sleeping her way to the top.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
                          (slapping him)
            No way!  I'm leaving!


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
                          (responding to the kiss)
            !


                                   SELMA BLAIR RINGER
                          (to Blondey, going from
                           SYMPATHY to CATTINESS)
            You almost had me fooled.  Maybe you should sleep with the
            jury, too.  Then we can win the case.


                                   BOOKWRITER HEATHER HACH
                          (entering)
            I said don't do this scene like the movie!  Do it the way I
            wrote it!


                                   SELMA BLAIR RINGER
            Fine.


                                   A rewind.  We see Blondey and Professor
                                   kiss again.


                                   RICHARD BLAKE
            !


                                   SELMA BLAIR RINGER
                          (for some reason sympathetic or
                           something?)
            Shut up, Richard Blake!


                                   Audience is absolutely baffled as to
                                   what happened and who thinks what.


                                   PIGS
                          (flapping hoofs violently)
            Hey, why am I falling now?






            SCENE: COURTROOM


                                   Blonde Bell Bundy is cross-examining.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            Daughter of the guy who got killed, where were you when he
            got killed?


                                   DAUGHTER OF THE GUY 
                                   WHO GOT KILLED
            I was in the shower, after having gotten a perm.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE I KNOW LOTS ABOUT PERMS!


                                   She uses her idiotic knowledge about
                                   perms to prove her client isn't the
                                   murderer.


                                   JUDGE
            That's fine and all, but it still doesn't explain anything
            about the white clothes we found.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            She couldn't have been wearing them; you can't WEAR white
            after Labor day!  And the BLACK shoes don't match the
            stockings; that would be CLASHING BLACKS!


                                   Courtroom murmurs!


                                   PROSECUTOR
            That still doesn't disprove the blood on the doorsteps and
            the blue eyeshadow!


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            The blood on the doorstep was actually red Chanu nail polish
            #6, and she COULDN'T have been wearing blue eyeshadow because
            BLUE EYESHADOW would only fit her skintype if she was GOING
            OUT AT NIGHT!


                                   Courtroom explodes.  She has SOLVED THE
                                   CASE!


                                   And Audience smiles contentedly,
                                   knowing that their young girls are
                                   being shaped and molded into absolute
                                   idiots.






            SCENE: GRADUATION, YEARS LATER.


                                   SELMA BLAIR RINGER
            And so, unfortunately hewing close to the stupid ending in
            the stupid screenplay, I didn't get Valedictorian, and
            neither did anybody else.  
            No, Blondey became Valedictorian, through three whole years
            of getting through law school by knowing stupid crap about
            hair and fashion.  
            We won't make you sit through that, or even any of her
            graduation speech except the very, very end.


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            And so, Congratulations, Harvard graduating class!  And one
            last thing:
                          (bends down on one knee)
            Christian Borle, will you marry me?


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
            BECAUSE I'M POOR?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            What?


                                   AWESOME CHRISTIAN BORLE
            You need to propose to ME because I'm POOR, is that it?  Is
            that what you're getting at?


                                   LAURA BELL BLONDEY
            I just though that you couldn't afford--


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Then everybody will know I'm POOR.  Thanks a lot, you
            privileged bitch.


                                   And so, the audience goes home learning
                                   that it's okay for girls to propose to
                                   guys.  


                                   But ONLY if the guy is poorer.  Poor
                                   girls aren't allowed to propose.


                                   Ha ha!


                                        FADE TO:






            SCENE: A PUPPET IN AN ENGLISH SMOKING JACKET AND ASCOT.


                                   ALISTAIR COOKIE
                          (really just Cookie Monster
                           trying his best to look like
                           Alistair Cooke)
            So end Legally Blonde.  Popular movie about it be legal to be
            blonde.  Me digress.  There you have it.  This Alistar
            Cookie, saying goodnight for Monsterpiece Theater.


                                   Alistair Cookie eats his pipe, and then
                                   the screen.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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