Little Women: Abridged

                                   LITTLE MUSICAL:
                      A Little Women "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod





            SCENE: SOME BOARDING HOUSE IN... WELL LATER ON IT WILL BE
            REVEALED THAT IT IS NEW YORK.  BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU SURE AS
            HELL WON'T KNOW.

                                   Scaffold covers the stage, existing
                                   only to be used twice.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (in a floppy wig)
            Professor, do you want to hear me recite the latest story
            I've written?  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, it keeps getting turned
            down by publisher after publisher!

                                   PROFESSOR
            Your use of "Christopher Columbus" as an expletive is very
            weird... but sure, Sutton Foster.  I and the audience would
            be willing to listen to almost anything you want to recite
            because you are so friggin' adorable it's disgusting.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Thanks, Professor-who-kinda-looks-more-like-a-FATHER-FIGURE
            than-somebody-I'm-going-to-MARRY-at-the-end-of-the-play.

                                   The SYNTHESIZER-FREE orchestra starts
                                   up.  Huzzah!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Once there was A FAIR MAIDEN, and AN EVIL MAN was trying to
            kidnap her!

                                   EVIL MAN
                          (entering)
            I'm going to kidnap you, FAIR MAIDEN!

                                   FAIR MAIDEN
                          (screaming)
            No!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            But then came a HERO who saved the day!

                                   HERO
            I am here, and I will save the day!
                          (saves day)

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Well Professor, how did you like my blood-and-guts story?

                                   PROFESSOR
            The plot points were *rough*, the transitions were *weak* and
            the characters were *underdeveloped*.  Why don't you try
            WRITING WHAT YOU KNOW.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            I should take my PERSONAL EXPERIENCES and WRITE WHAT I KNOW?  
            Christopher Columbus!  
            You think that would help the plot, transitions, and
            characters?

                                   PROFESSOR
            Apparently not...

                                        AND SO, POOR TRANSITION TO:





            SCENE: THE ATTIC OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE IN MASSACHUSSETS. 
            A FLASHBACK, SO IT MAY OR MAY NOT SEEM.

                                   Sutton Foster is wearing very
                                   coordinated PANTS, which she will wear
                                   for the entirety of Act One regardless
                                   of the fact that this is a STRETCH and
                                   that ladies back then NEVER wore pants.

                                   DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
            But she is a Tomboy!

                                   THE ORIGINAL NOVEL
            Um... Not really...

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (in a different, but equally
                           silly wig)
            Oh my sisters, how I adore playing with all of you in the
            attic acting out the plays I've written!  I adore you, PRETTY
            SISTER.

                                   PRETTY SISTER
                          (boringly)
            ...oh how wonderful it is to have more makeup on than my co
            stars...

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            I adore you, four-foot-tall sister.

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
                          (also boringly)
            ...oh how wonderful it is to be the short sister...

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            And even though there actually won't be a single line about
            it until halfway through Act Two, I adore you *most* of all,
            SWEET SISTER.

                                   SWEET SISTER
                          (the most boringest of all!)
            ...yes.  I am the sweet one.  Everybody says I'm sweet.  Or
            at least, I say that everybody says I'm sweet at least three
            times during the play.  This way, you KNOW.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (oddly-transitioned)
            And I want to be a writer!  Christopher Columbus!  And when
            I'm a writer, I will be rich and be the sister that takes
            care of all of you!

                                   PRETTY SISTER
            You're going to take care of all of us?  But aren't *I* the
            oldest sister? 
            Marmy thinks it's odd that you act like you're the oldest one
            even though I'm obviously older than you.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Did you just call our mother "Marmy"?

                                        VERY ABRUPT TRANSITION TO:





            SCENE: THE GROUND FLOOR OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE IN
            MASSACHUSSETS

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
                          (sings)
            MY HUSBAND IS GONE,
            AND OH HOW DIFFICULT IT IS
            TO HAVE FOUR DAUGHTERS WHO MISPRONOUNCE "MOMMY" AS *MARMY*
            WHILE MY HUSBAND LEFT ME ALONE TO FIGHT OFF IN THE *ARMY*,
            NOW, DON'T BE EXPECTING ANY MORE CLEVER RHYMES!

                                   She finishes singing.  Audience claps
                                   because she has taken a mediocre song
                                   and transformed it into something WORTH
                                   HEARING.

                                   (It is all downhill from here.)

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (entering with tree, and
                           wearing a brand new pigtail
                           wig)
            I cut down this tree from old MISTER MEANY.

                                   MISTER MEANY
                          (entering)
            Why you!  You cut down the tree in front of my house!  You
            wretched child!
                          (leaving)

                                   DANNY GURWIN
                          (enters)
            I have like one line!
                          (leaves)

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Wow, Mr. Meany got angry because I trespassed his property,
            cut down the tree on his house, didn't ask permission...
                          (to audience:)
            Christopher Columbus!  That's how you can tell he is MEAN!

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Now Sutton, you can't go off doing things rashly like cutting
            down his tree.  You need to think first.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            You're right Marmy.  I do have to think first.

                                   Sutton stops doing things rashly.  She
                                   has LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.

                                        AND SUDDENLY FOR NO APPARENT
                                        REASON WE ARE IN:





            SCENE: MEAN AUNT'S HOUSE

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (now with a longer wig)
            Aunt, are you going to bring me on a trip to Europe like you
            promised?

                                   MEAN AUNT
            You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Or else you won't bring me to Europe, which I really want to
            go to because I'm a writer?

                                   MEAN AUNT
            You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Christopher Columbus!  But I don't want to be like a lady!  I
            want to be successful myself!

                                   MEAN AUNT
            You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.  
            You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.
                          (sings)
            YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO BE LIKE A LADY.
            YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO BE LIKE A LADY.
            YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO BE LIKE A LADY.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (to audience)
            Did we drill that into your head enough?

                                        JUMP AT LEAST A MONTH (WITHOUT
                                        TELLING THE AUDIENCE THAT A MONTH
                                        HAS PASSED) SO WE'RE:





            SCENE: BACK ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE, A
            SET THAT MAKES UP FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE SCENES IN THE PLAY.

                                   PRETTY SISTER
            Sutton, are you ready to go to the ball that I'm NOTING that
            you've been so excited to go to (although we haven't seen you
            excited for it)?

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Yes.  Also, personal plug, I just finished my newest story. 
            In case anyone cared.

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            But *I* want to go to the ball!  *I* want to go to the ball
            *now*!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            You're too young.

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            I hate the way everybody is always saying that I'm too young
            for everything!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            What the hell are you talking about?  That was like the first
            time you've had a line in the play.

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            Well I'm going to burn your story in the fireplace.  My
            character's motivation for doing this that I'm EVIL.

                                        TRANSITION THAT'S ACTUALLY WITHIN
                                        THE SAME CALENDAR DAY TO:





            SCENE: A BALLROOM.

                                   The musical comes to life as the stage
                                   fills with beautiful imagery and the
                                   lively chorus dances, creating the
                                   whimsical feeling of being at a mid
                                   1800s upper-class Massachusetts ball.

                                   Nah, just kidding, no chorus; not even
                                   a sorely-needed Greek one.

                                        INSTEAD WE ARE ACTUALLY:





            SCENE: OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM, WHERE A PLOT FLOW HAS *ACTUALLY*
            BEGUN!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER and PRETTY SISTER are
                                   dressed prettily.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Christopher Fricking Columbus!  What a ball they're having
            over there! Offstage!  Where you can't see it!

                                   Enter MALE ROMANTIC CHARACTER.

                                   MALE ROMANTIC CHARACTER
            Hey there, Pretty Sister.  There are too many characters in
            this musical and not enough characterization, so the idea of
            me *or* you having any character or personality has been
            thrown by the wayside.  Instead, let's have a cheap "love at
            first sight" moment.

                                   PRETTY SISTER
            Okay, can we get engaged in ten minutes in a generic and
            vague song?  It's not like our CHARACTERS would be painted
            with EMOTION or FEELING or DEPTH or anything.
                          (they exit)

                                   Enter DANNY GURWIN.

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            Hey, remember me, Sutton?  I'm here to take my poorly-written
            part, give it some character that definitely doesn't exist in
            the horrid book, and then sing another vague unmemorable song.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Gee, a song?  What about?

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            About how I spy on you at the window every night.  Aren't I
            romantic?

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            I think the correct word here is "sketchy".

                                        SUDDENLY JUMP AN ENTIRE MONTH SO
                                        THAT WE'RE AT:





            SCENE: SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE, BECAUSE THE MUSICAL RARELY
            BREAKS OUT OF THIS ENVIRONMENT FOR MORE THAN A MOMENT.

                                   SWEET SISTER is playing a piano.

                                   Enter MISTER MEANY.

                                   MISTER MEANY
            I am mean and grumpy!  Lookame yell and scream and stuff!

                                   SWEET SISTER
            Yes, you are mean and grumpy!

                                   MISTER MEANY
            Perhaps being mean and grumpy is wrong.  I have now decided
            that I'm going to POINTLESSLY AND SUDDENLY CHANGE so that I'm
            a really nice guy!

                                   He does, and has LEARNED A VALUABLE
                                   LESSON.

                                   Enter everybody else carrying YOUNGER
                                   SISTER.

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Quick!  Get her on the couch so that she's calm so that she
            can be warmed up from the ice that she was just skating on
            but FELL THROUGH because she was so angry that Sutton Foster
            hasn't talked to her in a month because Sutton Foster is
            angry about her having burned Sutton Foster's story!

                                   BOOKWRITER ALLAN KNEE
            Clever, eh?
                          (smiles)
            That's my patented new method of "explain a month of
            exposition with one line of forced dialogue that is thrown
            into the beginning of a scene so that the audience knows what
            I didn't bother putting into any transitional scenes and
            couldn't work into the story better!"
                          (hyperventilates, croaks)

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Now, Sutton and Younger Sister, even though she's a bitch and
            you have every right to be angry at her for burning your
            story, you two need to make up for the sake of making up!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            You're right, we do need to make up.  Because we are sisters,
            and FAMILY IS IMPORTANT!

                                   Indeed it is, and Sutton and Younger
                                   Sister have LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.

                                        BAD TRANSITION OF VALUABLE LESSON
                                        TO:





            SCENE: OUTDOORS, MORE MONTHS LATER.

                                   PRETTY SISTER
            Where's Dad?

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Uh... He's still... gone.

                                   PRETTY SISTER
            Why is he always gone in this show?

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Well right now it's... um... because he's in the hospital
            from being in the war.  So Sutton, do you have the money that
            I asked you to get for me so that I can go visit him?

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Yes.  I cut my hair and sold it.

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Why did you do that?  I told you to just pick some up from
            Aunt Meanie.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Well, it's been a whole seven minutes since I got to change
            wigs.  And FAMILY IS IMPORTANT!

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Well, I'm proud of you for your pointless sacrifice.
                          (to self)
            Wait, I am?  That's dumb of me.

                                        DUMB DISSOLVE AND FADE TO:





            SCENE: THE ATTIC OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE, BUT AN ENTIRE
            THREE MONTHS LATER.

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            Marry me, Sutton!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Nope.

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            Well, if you won't marry me...
                          (pauses)
            Hey Susan, what do I do now?  Do I get some really awesome
            song for this fantastic emotional moment?

                                   DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
            You just walk away, and we keep the scene lighthearted as
            possible.

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            You sure about that?  Because I remember reading the--

                                   DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
                          (this is true)
            What did I say?  I said to NOT read the book if you haven't
            already!  Didn't I ask the cast to NOT read the book?

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            I read it when I was a child... although frankly, if half of
            the audience is going to be people who've read the book,
            shouldn't the actors be able--

                                   DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
            We're not doing Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women", we're
            doing our own version.  Now, like I said.  Lighthearted
            scene.

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            But in the book it was one of the real sentimental scenes,
            when my poor character is rejected by--

                                   DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
            LIGHTHEARTED!  Make the audience laugh as you're rejected!

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            Fine...
                          (acts goofy, wastes away
                           talent)

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Nobody's going to tell me what to do!  I am going to move to
            New York!  I am going to be ASTONISHING!
                          (sings)
            It's ASTONISHING to try, ASTONISHING gravity,
            I think I'll ASTONISHING, defying ASTONISHING,
            And nobody in all of... er... CONCORD,
            No Wiza--.... SOMETHING that there is or was
            Is ever gonna bring me... ASTONISHING!

                                   COMPOSER JASON HOWLAND
            Being a rip-off artist is so much fun!

                                   Act One Curtain closes.  Sutton Foster
                                   changes her damned wig again.





            SCENE: INTERMISSION

                                   MOTHER IN AUDIENCE WHO THIS
                                   SHOW WAS VERY MUCH
                                   ADVERTISED TO OVER AND OVER
            Honey, how do you like the show?

                                   DAUGHTER IN AUDIENCE WHO IS
                                   THE SOLE REASON THIS SHOW
                                   WON'T CLOSE IMMEDIATELY
            It's leaving out so many of my favorite parts!

                                   MOTHER IN AUDIENCE WHO 
                                   FEELS LIKE SHE'D RATHER BE
                                   WATCHING "BEAUTY AND THE
                                   BEAST" AGAIN
            Like what, honey?

                                   EVEN THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Details!  No details, Mommy!
                          (cries)





            SCENE: BACK IN NEW YORK.

                                   It's the time of the beginning of the
                                   play, after everything else from Act
                                   One has happened, and a week later than
                                   the thing from the first scene from Act
                                   One happened, with everything from Act
                                   One so far having been a flashback.

                                   Or whatever.

                                   Also, now Sutton wears dresses.  So
                                   that's new.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Professor, as you know my WRITING is very important to me, as
            opposed to the sidebar it was back in the novel.  Still,
            until I eventually learn your should WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, I
            just sold my story from the beginning of the play to a
            publisher!
                          (pause)
            But rather than us seeing the scene as it happened, why don't
            I just tell you about it and the story I submitted to him! 
            So, do you want to hear my story from the very beginning YET
            AGAIN with my FANTASTIC REWRITE?

                                   PROFESSOR
            No.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (ignores)
            Once there was A FAIR MAIDEN, and AN EVIL MAN was trying to
            kidnap her!

                                   EVIL MAN
                          (entering)
            I'm going to kidnap you, FAIR MAIDEN!

                                   FAIR MAIDEN
                          (screaming)
            No!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            But then came a HERO who saved the day!

                                   HERO
            I am here, and I will save the day!
                          (saves day)

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            And the MALE HERO ended up being... HER SISTER!  How do you
            like my twist ending?

                                   PROFESSOR
            ...
                          (takes out letter)
            Anyway, your sister's getting sicker and sicker from her
            sickness that she has had and you need to go see her because
            she is the sister you are closest to and she feels like she
            is closest to.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Well FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT.  And I'm horribly poor, so
            obviously I can afford this place to stay in New York and a
            very expensive trip all the way back to...





            SCENE: CAPE COD.

                                   On beach, Sutton Foster picks up a
                                   threadless spool, pretends to fly a
                                   kite, and then pretends that the kite
                                   is going high over the audience's head.  

                                   While a stupid idea, Sutton Foster is
                                   good at looking EXACTLY LIKE SHE'S
                                   FLYING AN IMAGINARY KITE!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Christopher AWKWARD PHRASING Columbus!  It's so horrible that
            you're dying, especially since you're my closest sister.

                                   SWEET SISTER
            I'm your closest sister?  Odd how there's no mention of that
            in the first half of the play.  We should have sang a song.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Let's sing it now!

                                   They sing "Some Things Are Meant To
                                   Be", a song about how it's so wonderful
                                   that at least for the time they had,
                                   they'd had the sisterly love of each
                                   other.  It is sweet and touching.

                                   Although occasionally, "touching" means
                                   that they touch each other a little bit
                                   more than seems natural for sisters...

                                   SWEET SISTER
            Please, Sutton.  It is my time to die.  Let me go now.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Uh... I'm not... Uh... holding you back from... What the hell
            does "let me go now" mean?!?!?

                                   SWEET SISTER
            Well, I'm the kind, sweet sister, and sweet sisters always
            die in these old novels.
                          (pause)
            By the way, where IS Dad?

                                   SWEET SISTER
            He's off doing something or rather.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Does anybody else get the idea that we were just too cheap to
            hire a "Dad" actor?

                                        SURPRISING NEW USE OF
                                        THEATRICALITY TO:





            SPLIT-SCREEN.

                                   Letters are being written back and
                                   forth.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            I *really* miss New York... Even though we've never seen a
            taste of what it is that New York has to offer that I would
            have wanted.

                                   PROFESSOR
            Things are different without you, Sutton.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            You know, having a half a line in the first scene of the
            musical doesn't make up for you now showing up in this
            romantic plot so friggin' late.





            SCENE: DEFINITELY MORE MONTHS LATER, BUT WHO EVER KNOWS HOW
            MANY UNLESS THEY HAVE THEIR PLAYBILL AND A FLASHLIGHT?

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            Sutton!  I'm back now from my trip to Europe with Mean Aunt
            who let me go to Europe instead of you because I LEARNED HOW
            TO ACT LIKE A LADY and so we went to Europe and oh also Danny
            Gurwin went and we travelled all over together while Sweet
            Sister died OFFSTAGE and I didn't get to see her and by the
            way Danny Gurwin and I are getting married!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            You are getting married?

                                   DANNY GURWIN
            Yes, it was THE MOST AMAZING THING how we just, you know, up
            and fell in love!

                                   They sing a song about this.  

                                   The tune for this one is not just
                                   unmemorable, but it is painful to
                                   watch.

                                   COMPOSER JASON HOWLAND
            Lookame!  In "Jekyll and Hyde" , "Les Miserables" and
            "Scarlet Pimpernel", I MUSICALLY DIRECTED other shows about
            books; for some reason I am now under the DELUSION that I can
            COMPOSE FOR ONE!

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            So yeah, that's what happened!

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            You really didn't say who proposed to who.  And I'm confus--

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            Well, we're getting married.  Sorry if we'd over complicated
            it.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            No, not by that.  Did you actually grow older, or do you now
            just dress older?

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            Well, four years of time have gone by since the first
            flashback scene.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            WHAT?!?!?

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            Sure.  Your character hasn't worn pants in over two years!

                                   SET DESIGNER DEREK MCLANE
            I'll never know why people scoffed at my original idea of a
            backdrop that consisted of a GIANT APOLOGETIC CALENDAR...

                                   YOUNGEST SISTER
            Also, apparently I'm not EVIL anymore, and have LEARNED A
            VALUABLE LESSON about... uh... evil.





            SCENE: THE ATTIC.

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            There sure are a lot of memories here in this attic.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Like?

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Like the first scene of the play.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            And?

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            I guess that's it.  And, how much hope there was way back
            then that *personalities* would be given to us... and that
            the audience would be invested in the characters as they grew
            and LEARNED VERY VALUABLE LESSONS.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER AND 
                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            AH, MEMORIES!
                          (pause)
                          (awkward silence)

                                   MAUREEN MCGOVERN
            Also FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT.  Thought I'd mention it in
            case you weren't sure.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Except for OUR FATHER, who apparently isn't important enough
            because he hasn't appeared yet.

                                   FATHER CHARACTER
                          (entering)
            Hey, sorry I wasn't around... it's just that reading through
            the libretto I thought I die in the war or something.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Christopher Columbus!

                                   CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
                          (in grave at bottom of ocean)
            PLEASE stop using my name... I really don't want to be
            associated with this show.





            SCENE: OUTDOORS, WHICH IS NICE FOR A CHANGE.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Boy is it nice to be at Younger Sister's wedding where her
            and Laurie are getting married at least three months after
            they got back from Europe whereas...
                          (sighs)
            What's getting older?  The joke, or the fact that this is
            exactly how scenes just were "tied together" in the musical?

                                   Enter PROFESSOR.

                                   PROFESSOR
            Sutton, you look different to me all of a sudden, like I'm
            seeing you with new eyes.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (pulling on curls)
            New wig.

                                   PROFESSOR
            Ah.  Well, Sutton, I've come to visit and tell you that I
            really like the book you wrote about your life when you
            decided to WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW.

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Why thank you.  AAAGH!

                                   It begins RAINING, although ABSOLUTELY
                                   NO LIGHTING changes are done to show
                                   this.

                                   PROFESSOR
                          (looking stupid trying to hide
                           from non-represented rain)
            Sigh... now I know I haven't been there for you much this
            play, but I was wondering, will you marry me?
                          (sings)
            I KNOW WE DISAGREE ON EVERYTHING,
            I SAY LET'S USE AN UMBRELLA
            AND YOU SAY LET'S GET WET IN THE RAIN,
            I SAY LET'S GO FOR A WALK,
            AND YOU WANT TO RUN AGAIN,
            I SAY POTATO,
            AND YOU SAY PO--

                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            We disagree on everything?  Really?

                                   PROFESSOR
                          (looking at script)
            Suppose so.  To tell you the truth this is my eighth line of
            the play so I wouldn't know either.  But let's get married. 
            I can offer you food, comfort, and massages for when your
            back gets tired of carrying this show...

                                        ANTI-CLIMACTIC BLACKOUT.

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