LITTLE MUSICAL:
A Little Women "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: SOME BOARDING HOUSE IN... WELL LATER ON IT WILL BE
REVEALED THAT IT IS NEW YORK. BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU SURE AS
HELL WON'T KNOW.
Scaffold covers the stage, existing
only to be used twice.
SUTTON FOSTER
(in a floppy wig)
Professor, do you want to hear me recite the latest story
I've written? CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, it keeps getting turned
down by publisher after publisher!
PROFESSOR
Your use of "Christopher Columbus" as an expletive is very
weird... but sure, Sutton Foster. I and the audience would
be willing to listen to almost anything you want to recite
because you are so friggin' adorable it's disgusting.
SUTTON FOSTER
Thanks, Professor-who-kinda-looks-more-like-a-FATHER-FIGURE
than-somebody-I'm-going-to-MARRY-at-the-end-of-the-play.
The SYNTHESIZER-FREE orchestra starts
up. Huzzah!
SUTTON FOSTER
Once there was A FAIR MAIDEN, and AN EVIL MAN was trying to
kidnap her!
EVIL MAN
(entering)
I'm going to kidnap you, FAIR MAIDEN!
FAIR MAIDEN
(screaming)
No!
SUTTON FOSTER
But then came a HERO who saved the day!
HERO
I am here, and I will save the day!
(saves day)
SUTTON FOSTER
Well Professor, how did you like my blood-and-guts story?
PROFESSOR
The plot points were *rough*, the transitions were *weak* and
the characters were *underdeveloped*. Why don't you try
WRITING WHAT YOU KNOW.
SUTTON FOSTER
I should take my PERSONAL EXPERIENCES and WRITE WHAT I KNOW?
Christopher Columbus!
You think that would help the plot, transitions, and
characters?
PROFESSOR
Apparently not...
AND SO, POOR TRANSITION TO:
SCENE: THE ATTIC OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE IN MASSACHUSSETS.
A FLASHBACK, SO IT MAY OR MAY NOT SEEM.
Sutton Foster is wearing very
coordinated PANTS, which she will wear
for the entirety of Act One regardless
of the fact that this is a STRETCH and
that ladies back then NEVER wore pants.
DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
But she is a Tomboy!
THE ORIGINAL NOVEL
Um... Not really...
SUTTON FOSTER
(in a different, but equally
silly wig)
Oh my sisters, how I adore playing with all of you in the
attic acting out the plays I've written! I adore you, PRETTY
SISTER.
PRETTY SISTER
(boringly)
...oh how wonderful it is to have more makeup on than my co
stars...
SUTTON FOSTER
I adore you, four-foot-tall sister.
YOUNGEST SISTER
(also boringly)
...oh how wonderful it is to be the short sister...
SUTTON FOSTER
And even though there actually won't be a single line about
it until halfway through Act Two, I adore you *most* of all,
SWEET SISTER.
SWEET SISTER
(the most boringest of all!)
...yes. I am the sweet one. Everybody says I'm sweet. Or
at least, I say that everybody says I'm sweet at least three
times during the play. This way, you KNOW.
SUTTON FOSTER
(oddly-transitioned)
And I want to be a writer! Christopher Columbus! And when
I'm a writer, I will be rich and be the sister that takes
care of all of you!
PRETTY SISTER
You're going to take care of all of us? But aren't *I* the
oldest sister?
Marmy thinks it's odd that you act like you're the oldest one
even though I'm obviously older than you.
SUTTON FOSTER
Did you just call our mother "Marmy"?
VERY ABRUPT TRANSITION TO:
SCENE: THE GROUND FLOOR OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE IN
MASSACHUSSETS
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
(sings)
MY HUSBAND IS GONE,
AND OH HOW DIFFICULT IT IS
TO HAVE FOUR DAUGHTERS WHO MISPRONOUNCE "MOMMY" AS *MARMY*
WHILE MY HUSBAND LEFT ME ALONE TO FIGHT OFF IN THE *ARMY*,
NOW, DON'T BE EXPECTING ANY MORE CLEVER RHYMES!
She finishes singing. Audience claps
because she has taken a mediocre song
and transformed it into something WORTH
HEARING.
(It is all downhill from here.)
SUTTON FOSTER
(entering with tree, and
wearing a brand new pigtail
wig)
I cut down this tree from old MISTER MEANY.
MISTER MEANY
(entering)
Why you! You cut down the tree in front of my house! You
wretched child!
(leaving)
DANNY GURWIN
(enters)
I have like one line!
(leaves)
SUTTON FOSTER
Wow, Mr. Meany got angry because I trespassed his property,
cut down the tree on his house, didn't ask permission...
(to audience:)
Christopher Columbus! That's how you can tell he is MEAN!
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Now Sutton, you can't go off doing things rashly like cutting
down his tree. You need to think first.
SUTTON FOSTER
You're right Marmy. I do have to think first.
Sutton stops doing things rashly. She
has LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.
AND SUDDENLY FOR NO APPARENT
REASON WE ARE IN:
SCENE: MEAN AUNT'S HOUSE
SUTTON FOSTER
(now with a longer wig)
Aunt, are you going to bring me on a trip to Europe like you
promised?
MEAN AUNT
You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.
SUTTON FOSTER
Or else you won't bring me to Europe, which I really want to
go to because I'm a writer?
MEAN AUNT
You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.
SUTTON FOSTER
Christopher Columbus! But I don't want to be like a lady! I
want to be successful myself!
MEAN AUNT
You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.
You're going to have to learn to be like a lady.
(sings)
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO BE LIKE A LADY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO BE LIKE A LADY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO BE LIKE A LADY.
SUTTON FOSTER
(to audience)
Did we drill that into your head enough?
JUMP AT LEAST A MONTH (WITHOUT
TELLING THE AUDIENCE THAT A MONTH
HAS PASSED) SO WE'RE:
SCENE: BACK ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE, A
SET THAT MAKES UP FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE SCENES IN THE PLAY.
PRETTY SISTER
Sutton, are you ready to go to the ball that I'm NOTING that
you've been so excited to go to (although we haven't seen you
excited for it)?
SUTTON FOSTER
Yes. Also, personal plug, I just finished my newest story.
In case anyone cared.
YOUNGEST SISTER
But *I* want to go to the ball! *I* want to go to the ball
*now*!
SUTTON FOSTER
You're too young.
YOUNGEST SISTER
I hate the way everybody is always saying that I'm too young
for everything!
SUTTON FOSTER
What the hell are you talking about? That was like the first
time you've had a line in the play.
YOUNGEST SISTER
Well I'm going to burn your story in the fireplace. My
character's motivation for doing this that I'm EVIL.
TRANSITION THAT'S ACTUALLY WITHIN
THE SAME CALENDAR DAY TO:
SCENE: A BALLROOM.
The musical comes to life as the stage
fills with beautiful imagery and the
lively chorus dances, creating the
whimsical feeling of being at a mid
1800s upper-class Massachusetts ball.
Nah, just kidding, no chorus; not even
a sorely-needed Greek one.
INSTEAD WE ARE ACTUALLY:
SCENE: OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM, WHERE A PLOT FLOW HAS *ACTUALLY*
BEGUN!
SUTTON FOSTER and PRETTY SISTER are
dressed prettily.
SUTTON FOSTER
Christopher Fricking Columbus! What a ball they're having
over there! Offstage! Where you can't see it!
Enter MALE ROMANTIC CHARACTER.
MALE ROMANTIC CHARACTER
Hey there, Pretty Sister. There are too many characters in
this musical and not enough characterization, so the idea of
me *or* you having any character or personality has been
thrown by the wayside. Instead, let's have a cheap "love at
first sight" moment.
PRETTY SISTER
Okay, can we get engaged in ten minutes in a generic and
vague song? It's not like our CHARACTERS would be painted
with EMOTION or FEELING or DEPTH or anything.
(they exit)
Enter DANNY GURWIN.
DANNY GURWIN
Hey, remember me, Sutton? I'm here to take my poorly-written
part, give it some character that definitely doesn't exist in
the horrid book, and then sing another vague unmemorable song.
SUTTON FOSTER
Gee, a song? What about?
DANNY GURWIN
About how I spy on you at the window every night. Aren't I
romantic?
SUTTON FOSTER
I think the correct word here is "sketchy".
SUDDENLY JUMP AN ENTIRE MONTH SO
THAT WE'RE AT:
SCENE: SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE, BECAUSE THE MUSICAL RARELY
BREAKS OUT OF THIS ENVIRONMENT FOR MORE THAN A MOMENT.
SWEET SISTER is playing a piano.
Enter MISTER MEANY.
MISTER MEANY
I am mean and grumpy! Lookame yell and scream and stuff!
SWEET SISTER
Yes, you are mean and grumpy!
MISTER MEANY
Perhaps being mean and grumpy is wrong. I have now decided
that I'm going to POINTLESSLY AND SUDDENLY CHANGE so that I'm
a really nice guy!
He does, and has LEARNED A VALUABLE
LESSON.
Enter everybody else carrying YOUNGER
SISTER.
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Quick! Get her on the couch so that she's calm so that she
can be warmed up from the ice that she was just skating on
but FELL THROUGH because she was so angry that Sutton Foster
hasn't talked to her in a month because Sutton Foster is
angry about her having burned Sutton Foster's story!
BOOKWRITER ALLAN KNEE
Clever, eh?
(smiles)
That's my patented new method of "explain a month of
exposition with one line of forced dialogue that is thrown
into the beginning of a scene so that the audience knows what
I didn't bother putting into any transitional scenes and
couldn't work into the story better!"
(hyperventilates, croaks)
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Now, Sutton and Younger Sister, even though she's a bitch and
you have every right to be angry at her for burning your
story, you two need to make up for the sake of making up!
SUTTON FOSTER
You're right, we do need to make up. Because we are sisters,
and FAMILY IS IMPORTANT!
Indeed it is, and Sutton and Younger
Sister have LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.
BAD TRANSITION OF VALUABLE LESSON
TO:
SCENE: OUTDOORS, MORE MONTHS LATER.
PRETTY SISTER
Where's Dad?
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Uh... He's still... gone.
PRETTY SISTER
Why is he always gone in this show?
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Well right now it's... um... because he's in the hospital
from being in the war. So Sutton, do you have the money that
I asked you to get for me so that I can go visit him?
SUTTON FOSTER
Yes. I cut my hair and sold it.
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Why did you do that? I told you to just pick some up from
Aunt Meanie.
SUTTON FOSTER
Well, it's been a whole seven minutes since I got to change
wigs. And FAMILY IS IMPORTANT!
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Well, I'm proud of you for your pointless sacrifice.
(to self)
Wait, I am? That's dumb of me.
DUMB DISSOLVE AND FADE TO:
SCENE: THE ATTIC OF SUTTON FOSTER'S HOUSE, BUT AN ENTIRE
THREE MONTHS LATER.
DANNY GURWIN
Marry me, Sutton!
SUTTON FOSTER
Nope.
DANNY GURWIN
Well, if you won't marry me...
(pauses)
Hey Susan, what do I do now? Do I get some really awesome
song for this fantastic emotional moment?
DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
You just walk away, and we keep the scene lighthearted as
possible.
DANNY GURWIN
You sure about that? Because I remember reading the--
DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
(this is true)
What did I say? I said to NOT read the book if you haven't
already! Didn't I ask the cast to NOT read the book?
DANNY GURWIN
I read it when I was a child... although frankly, if half of
the audience is going to be people who've read the book,
shouldn't the actors be able--
DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
We're not doing Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women", we're
doing our own version. Now, like I said. Lighthearted
scene.
DANNY GURWIN
But in the book it was one of the real sentimental scenes,
when my poor character is rejected by--
DIRECTOR SUSAN H. SCHULMAN
LIGHTHEARTED! Make the audience laugh as you're rejected!
DANNY GURWIN
Fine...
(acts goofy, wastes away
talent)
SUTTON FOSTER
Nobody's going to tell me what to do! I am going to move to
New York! I am going to be ASTONISHING!
(sings)
It's ASTONISHING to try, ASTONISHING gravity,
I think I'll ASTONISHING, defying ASTONISHING,
And nobody in all of... er... CONCORD,
No Wiza--.... SOMETHING that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me... ASTONISHING!
COMPOSER JASON HOWLAND
Being a rip-off artist is so much fun!
Act One Curtain closes. Sutton Foster
changes her damned wig again.
SCENE: INTERMISSION
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE WHO THIS
SHOW WAS VERY MUCH
ADVERTISED TO OVER AND OVER
Honey, how do you like the show?
DAUGHTER IN AUDIENCE WHO IS
THE SOLE REASON THIS SHOW
WON'T CLOSE IMMEDIATELY
It's leaving out so many of my favorite parts!
MOTHER IN AUDIENCE WHO
FEELS LIKE SHE'D RATHER BE
WATCHING "BEAUTY AND THE
BEAST" AGAIN
Like what, honey?
EVEN THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER
IN AUDIENCE
Details! No details, Mommy!
(cries)
SCENE: BACK IN NEW YORK.
It's the time of the beginning of the
play, after everything else from Act
One has happened, and a week later than
the thing from the first scene from Act
One happened, with everything from Act
One so far having been a flashback.
Or whatever.
Also, now Sutton wears dresses. So
that's new.
SUTTON FOSTER
Professor, as you know my WRITING is very important to me, as
opposed to the sidebar it was back in the novel. Still,
until I eventually learn your should WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, I
just sold my story from the beginning of the play to a
publisher!
(pause)
But rather than us seeing the scene as it happened, why don't
I just tell you about it and the story I submitted to him!
So, do you want to hear my story from the very beginning YET
AGAIN with my FANTASTIC REWRITE?
PROFESSOR
No.
SUTTON FOSTER
(ignores)
Once there was A FAIR MAIDEN, and AN EVIL MAN was trying to
kidnap her!
EVIL MAN
(entering)
I'm going to kidnap you, FAIR MAIDEN!
FAIR MAIDEN
(screaming)
No!
SUTTON FOSTER
But then came a HERO who saved the day!
HERO
I am here, and I will save the day!
(saves day)
SUTTON FOSTER
And the MALE HERO ended up being... HER SISTER! How do you
like my twist ending?
PROFESSOR
...
(takes out letter)
Anyway, your sister's getting sicker and sicker from her
sickness that she has had and you need to go see her because
she is the sister you are closest to and she feels like she
is closest to.
SUTTON FOSTER
Well FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT. And I'm horribly poor, so
obviously I can afford this place to stay in New York and a
very expensive trip all the way back to...
SCENE: CAPE COD.
On beach, Sutton Foster picks up a
threadless spool, pretends to fly a
kite, and then pretends that the kite
is going high over the audience's head.
While a stupid idea, Sutton Foster is
good at looking EXACTLY LIKE SHE'S
FLYING AN IMAGINARY KITE!
SUTTON FOSTER
Christopher AWKWARD PHRASING Columbus! It's so horrible that
you're dying, especially since you're my closest sister.
SWEET SISTER
I'm your closest sister? Odd how there's no mention of that
in the first half of the play. We should have sang a song.
SUTTON FOSTER
Let's sing it now!
They sing "Some Things Are Meant To
Be", a song about how it's so wonderful
that at least for the time they had,
they'd had the sisterly love of each
other. It is sweet and touching.
Although occasionally, "touching" means
that they touch each other a little bit
more than seems natural for sisters...
SWEET SISTER
Please, Sutton. It is my time to die. Let me go now.
SUTTON FOSTER
Uh... I'm not... Uh... holding you back from... What the hell
does "let me go now" mean?!?!?
SWEET SISTER
Well, I'm the kind, sweet sister, and sweet sisters always
die in these old novels.
(pause)
By the way, where IS Dad?
SWEET SISTER
He's off doing something or rather.
SUTTON FOSTER
Does anybody else get the idea that we were just too cheap to
hire a "Dad" actor?
SURPRISING NEW USE OF
THEATRICALITY TO:
SPLIT-SCREEN.
Letters are being written back and
forth.
SUTTON FOSTER
I *really* miss New York... Even though we've never seen a
taste of what it is that New York has to offer that I would
have wanted.
PROFESSOR
Things are different without you, Sutton.
SUTTON FOSTER
You know, having a half a line in the first scene of the
musical doesn't make up for you now showing up in this
romantic plot so friggin' late.
SCENE: DEFINITELY MORE MONTHS LATER, BUT WHO EVER KNOWS HOW
MANY UNLESS THEY HAVE THEIR PLAYBILL AND A FLASHLIGHT?
YOUNGEST SISTER
Sutton! I'm back now from my trip to Europe with Mean Aunt
who let me go to Europe instead of you because I LEARNED HOW
TO ACT LIKE A LADY and so we went to Europe and oh also Danny
Gurwin went and we travelled all over together while Sweet
Sister died OFFSTAGE and I didn't get to see her and by the
way Danny Gurwin and I are getting married!
SUTTON FOSTER
You are getting married?
DANNY GURWIN
Yes, it was THE MOST AMAZING THING how we just, you know, up
and fell in love!
They sing a song about this.
The tune for this one is not just
unmemorable, but it is painful to
watch.
COMPOSER JASON HOWLAND
Lookame! In "Jekyll and Hyde" , "Les Miserables" and
"Scarlet Pimpernel", I MUSICALLY DIRECTED other shows about
books; for some reason I am now under the DELUSION that I can
COMPOSE FOR ONE!
YOUNGEST SISTER
So yeah, that's what happened!
SUTTON FOSTER
You really didn't say who proposed to who. And I'm confus--
YOUNGEST SISTER
Well, we're getting married. Sorry if we'd over complicated
it.
SUTTON FOSTER
No, not by that. Did you actually grow older, or do you now
just dress older?
YOUNGEST SISTER
Well, four years of time have gone by since the first
flashback scene.
SUTTON FOSTER
WHAT?!?!?
YOUNGEST SISTER
Sure. Your character hasn't worn pants in over two years!
SET DESIGNER DEREK MCLANE
I'll never know why people scoffed at my original idea of a
backdrop that consisted of a GIANT APOLOGETIC CALENDAR...
YOUNGEST SISTER
Also, apparently I'm not EVIL anymore, and have LEARNED A
VALUABLE LESSON about... uh... evil.
SCENE: THE ATTIC.
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
There sure are a lot of memories here in this attic.
SUTTON FOSTER
Like?
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Like the first scene of the play.
SUTTON FOSTER
And?
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
I guess that's it. And, how much hope there was way back
then that *personalities* would be given to us... and that
the audience would be invested in the characters as they grew
and LEARNED VERY VALUABLE LESSONS.
SUTTON FOSTER AND
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
AH, MEMORIES!
(pause)
(awkward silence)
MAUREEN MCGOVERN
Also FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT. Thought I'd mention it in
case you weren't sure.
SUTTON FOSTER
Except for OUR FATHER, who apparently isn't important enough
because he hasn't appeared yet.
FATHER CHARACTER
(entering)
Hey, sorry I wasn't around... it's just that reading through
the libretto I thought I die in the war or something.
SUTTON FOSTER
Christopher Columbus!
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
(in grave at bottom of ocean)
PLEASE stop using my name... I really don't want to be
associated with this show.
SCENE: OUTDOORS, WHICH IS NICE FOR A CHANGE.
SUTTON FOSTER
Boy is it nice to be at Younger Sister's wedding where her
and Laurie are getting married at least three months after
they got back from Europe whereas...
(sighs)
What's getting older? The joke, or the fact that this is
exactly how scenes just were "tied together" in the musical?
Enter PROFESSOR.
PROFESSOR
Sutton, you look different to me all of a sudden, like I'm
seeing you with new eyes.
SUTTON FOSTER
(pulling on curls)
New wig.
PROFESSOR
Ah. Well, Sutton, I've come to visit and tell you that I
really like the book you wrote about your life when you
decided to WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW.
SUTTON FOSTER
Why thank you. AAAGH!
It begins RAINING, although ABSOLUTELY
NO LIGHTING changes are done to show
this.
PROFESSOR
(looking stupid trying to hide
from non-represented rain)
Sigh... now I know I haven't been there for you much this
play, but I was wondering, will you marry me?
(sings)
I KNOW WE DISAGREE ON EVERYTHING,
I SAY LET'S USE AN UMBRELLA
AND YOU SAY LET'S GET WET IN THE RAIN,
I SAY LET'S GO FOR A WALK,
AND YOU WANT TO RUN AGAIN,
I SAY POTATO,
AND YOU SAY PO--
SUTTON FOSTER
We disagree on everything? Really?
PROFESSOR
(looking at script)
Suppose so. To tell you the truth this is my eighth line of
the play so I wouldn't know either. But let's get married.
I can offer you food, comfort, and massages for when your
back gets tired of carrying this show...
ANTI-CLIMACTIC BLACKOUT.
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