THE GLASS MENAGERIE
                         A "Broadway Abridged" Guest Script
                                                        By Kim Patterson





            SCENE: BARRYMORE THEATER

                                   Enter CHRISTIAN SLATER.

                                   Out-of-town audience members applaud.

                                   NYC AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Is that guy famous?

                                   CHRISTIAN SLATER
            I was in some totally important 80s movies, like Heathers and
            Pump Up the Volume. But now I'm a serious actor. That's why
            I'm speaking in a Southern accent. I really want you to take
            me seriously, which might be hard since yesterday I was
            arrested for pinching a woman's bottom. Come meet my
            dysfunctional family.

                                   He enters the living room, decorated
                                   with a large lace curtain, and a glass
                                   shelf full of glass animals

                                   THE GLASS MENAGERIE
            Hey! Notice me! I'm over here in the corner, and I'm very
            symbolic! No one will actually acknowledge me yet, but I'm
            here!

                                   JESSICA LANGE's very shrill, very
                                   Southern voice floats out from behind
                                   the lace curtain

                                   JESSICA LANGE'S VOICE
                          (disembodied nagging)
            Tom! I'm going to nag you from off-stage for awhile. We have
            to finish dinner so we can wait for some Gentleman Callers!
            While we're waiting, I'll nag you some more. Your sister
            needs Gentleman Callers. I had lots and lots of Gentleman
            Callers when I was your age.

                                   Enter LAURA.

                                   LAURA
            Momma, there aren't going to be any Gentleman Callers.
            Besides, it sounds like you were a ho when you were my age.

                                   She sits on the sofa next to CHRISTIAN
                                   SLATER. They hug, in a way that
                                   brothers should never hug their
                                   sisters.





            SCENE: THE NEXT MORNING.

                                   LAURA
            I'm very shy, so I'll just play with my glass animals and the
            Victrola. My mother's not going to like that I dropped out of
            business school.

                                   Enter JESSICA LANGE

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (self-righteous nagging)
            You dropped out of business school. I'm so ashamed.

                                   THE GLASS MENAGERIE
            Yo! Look at me! Something's going to happen over here!

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (annoyed nagging)
            Silly glass!

                                   She picks up a glass animal and slams
                                   it hard against the shelf. It snaps and
                                   a piece of glass flies out of the set.

                                   THE GLASS MENAGERIE
            Look, she broke one of my animals. That was symbolic! Or
            maybe it was just an accident. Yeah, I think it was an
            accident. Sorry.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (nagging gently)
            Laura, haven't you ever liked a boy?

                                   LAURA
            Yes, just one. His name is Jim. Jim O'Connor. Jim. I would be
            so humiliated if ever I had to speak to that boy, Jim
            O'Connor, again. O'Connor. Jim. Jim. Jim.

                                   Enter CHRISTIAN SLATER.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (angry nagging)
            Where have you been?

                                   CHRISTIAN SLATER
            I was at the movies. Stop nagging me! I can't even sit at my
            typewriter and write poetry without you nagging me. I'm so
            angry!

                                   He jumps around the living room and, at
                                   one point, lies down on the floor, then
                                   finally grabs his jacket in huff. As he
                                   storms off, he knocks into the glass
                                   shelf.

                                   THE GLASS MENAGERIE
            Hi, I'm still here! Look, they bumped into me! That was
            symbolic! No, really, he meant to do that. Yes, I know,
            Christian Slater is good at acting belligerent.

                                   CHRISTIAN SLATER
            I'm going to the movies!

                                   Exits.

                                   He returns later, drunk.

                                   CHRISTIAN SLATER
            I'm drunk. I was drunk the other night too, when I was
            arrested for pinching a woman's bottom.

                                   LAURA enters, puts CHRISTIAN SLATER to
                                   bed on the sofa, and then lies down on
                                   top of him, something most normal
                                   brothers and sisters don't do.





            SCENE: THE NEXT MORNING.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (bright, chipper nagging)
            Rise and shine!

                                   CHRISTIAN SLATER
            Ok, ok. I'll bring home a gentleman caller for Laura... just
            stop nagging. Doesn't this seem a lot like pimping?




            SCENE: INTERMISSION

                                   Out-of-town audience members gush about
                                   the symbolism and the importance of
                                   Tennessee Williams in the
                                   dramaticcanon.

                                   NYC AUDIENCE MEMBER
            I forgot how many words Tennessee Williams likes to use.





            SCENE: ACT II

                                   Enter LAURA, in a poofy white dress,
                                   with JESSICA LANGE. JESSICA LANGE's
                                   dress is yellow and less poofy, but
                                   still ridiculous.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (nostalgic nagging)
            I love jonquils. I loved your father. Now I hate your father.
            Open the door when your brother brings in your Gentleman
            Caller, Jim.

                                   LAURA
            His name is Jim? Not Jim O'Connor!

                                   Enter CHRISTIAN SLATER with JOSH LUCAS.

                                   JOSH LUCAS
            Hey, I'm famous! I was in Hulk and Sweet Home Alabama! But
            now I'm a serious actor. Why didn't anyone clap for me?

                                   LAURA faints.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (flirtatious nagging)
            Jim! Nag, nag, nag. Nag nag, nag nag nag! Nag?

                                   10 minutes pass.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
            Nag nag? Nag, nag, nag!

                                   THE GLASS MENAGERIE
            Get ready! My big scene is coming up!

                                   JOSH LUCAS
            Laura, let's sit on the floor together in the dark with these
            candles and talk about how we knew each other in high school.

                                   CLARA 
                          (from The Light in the Piazza)
            Ooooh, a boy! He's talking to me! Look, Momma!

                                   AUDIENCE
            Uh, wrong production. While you're both blonde, Southern and
            have overbearing mothers, Laura is shy, not mentally
            deficient. Or 12. Or whatever you are.

                                   CLARA 
                          (from The Light in the Piazza)
            Oops. Sorry.

                                   She exits.

                                   LAURA
            Look at my unicorn. It's very fragile. Do you get the
            symbolism here?

                                   JOSH LUCAS
            Do you want to dance?

                                   THE GLASS MENAGERIE
            Here it comes!

                                   LAURA
            Oh no! The unicorn is broken! Now he's just like all the
            other horses.
                                   JOSH LUCAS
            Hey, that was symbolic! I like you, Laura. You're not like
            other girls. And not just because you talk to little glass
            animals. If you were my sister, I'd make sure you were happy.

                                   They kiss - something most normal men
                                   don't do with women they think of as
                                   sisters. LAURA freaks out. JOSH LUCAS
                                   freaks out. He leaves.

                                   JESSICA LANGE
                          (freaking out - nagging finally
                           replaced by hysterical
                           wailing)
            What happened to our Gentleman Caller!?

                                   CHRISTIAN SLATER
            I'm going to the movies! Ok, really, I'm joining the Merchant
            Marines. Except that after I went away, I keep thinking about
            my sister. Is that normal? I don't think that's normal.

                                   LAURA blows out the candles.

                                   NYC AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Oh, thank god.

                                   Out-of-town audience members rise for
                                   standing ovation.

                                        BLACKOUT.